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[CLKD]

Yep - it makes one remember who the adult is …..

What does your daughter like doing around the house?  Maybe a points system if pocket money isn't a possibility, add up so many per week = a treat ?  For you both  .  5 for washing up every evening without being asked to do so for example?

[am#]

I have a 18 year old daughter with add , at times we both are like time bombs , we can blow up at each other then be great pals 10 minutes later i think my hubby and son sometimes think we are mad ! We have a great relationship i have never been close to my mum, i think even though some times are hard make sure you manage to enjoy doing things together and take time to be interested in her interests and that will make up for if sometimes things are not great xx

[CLKD]

I suppose explaining that what you say/do at the time is meant but is not intended to hurt. ? .  Spur of the moment hormonally led.

[kiltgirl]

I suppose explaining that what you say/do at the time is meant but is not intended to hurt. ? .  Spur of the moment hormonally led.

Yep - it makes one remember who the adult is …..

What does your daughter like doing around the house?  Maybe a points system if pocket money isn't a possibility, add up so many per week = a treat ?  For you both  .  5 for washing up every evening without being asked to do so for example?

She would prefer to do the dinner and make a massive mess in the kitchen and leave the rest of the stuff to me    Her dad seems to be able to get her to do stuff but he pays her a tenner to do it! I think if I promised to do an activity of her choice with her as a reward (as long as I can behave myself) it might work more than money...good idea

She is more adult than I am sometimes...I will tell her it's not intended to hurt...that's kind of what I was looking for but couldn't put my finger on! x

[kiltgirl]

I have a 18 year old daughter with add , at times we both are like time bombs , we can blow up at each other then be great pals 10 minutes later i think my hubby and son sometimes think we are mad ! We have a great relationship i have never been close to my mum, i think even though some times are hard make sure you manage to enjoy doing things together and take time to be interested in her interests and that will make up for if sometimes things are not great xx

I think that sounds quite healthy...I've always been worried about confrontation, maybe it's not such a bad thing as long as you're both secure enough with each other x

[CLKD]

You are her Mum Kiltgirl, not her friend!  Boundaries will become harder to enforce as she pushes them  . 

My husband does all our cooking [long story short] and I clear up. (sometimes there is a LOT of mess).  He does the driving, car maintenance, heavy gardening: I do the laundry, put out the bins and feed the wild birds.  It's about compromise - apparently 

[Ju Ju]

Oh kiitgirl,

Been there, got the t-shirt!

My children are now in their 30s and lovely.

I grew up feeling that my mother behaved badly because there was something wrong with me. In other words, I caused the abuse. I was terrified of my Mum. What she said went, no discussion. Hormones? Maybe.

I have memories of shaking my daughter, at a similar age to your daughter, in the midst of PMT, and it seemed as if I was watching, appalled from above. I came back to myself and stopped. I did not want to continue the cycle and behave like my mum and cause damage to my children's emotional well being that had been done to me.

I had a frank talk with my children. I explained this was about me, not them. I was responsible for my behaviour just as they were for theirs. But that PMT made me more vunerable, but I would try very hard with their support and sensitivity. I told them also that they were loved unconditionally, no ifs and buts, just for 'being'. But that didn't mean there wouldn't be consequences for bad behaviour. The same went for me.

My children have told me that they never felt undermined by my moodiness and snapping when suffering from PMT, because I was upfront and honest. They knew what was going on and it would pass and meanwhile, they got on with their own things. They have grown up to be amazing human beings, both wonderful parents. I'm still Mum, but we are friends and now they boss me around! We're there for each other.

Advice? Talk. Explain. Tell her how loved she is. How wonderful she is. Knowing that her worth and value in this world is a given will make a huge difference to her life's experience. And know your worth and value is a given too. Forgive yourself. Relax. Breathe......

[kiltgirl]

You are her Mum Kiltgirl, not her friend!  Boundaries will become harder to enforce as she pushes them  . 

My husband does all our cooking [long story short] and I clear up. (sometimes there is a LOT of mess).  He does the driving, car maintenance, heavy gardening: I do the laundry, put out the bins and feed the wild birds.  It's about compromise - apparently 

Yes I agree, I just don't always have the energy to battle, so sometimes she does win, there isn't another adult here to compromise with sadly, I wish there was

[kiltgirl]

Oh kiitgirl,

Been there, got the t-shirt!

My children are now in their 30s and lovely.

I grew up feeling that my mother behaved badly because there was something wrong with me. In other words, I caused the abuse. I was terrified of my Mum. What she said went, no discussion. Hormones? Maybe.

I have memories of shaking my daughter, at a similar age to your daughter, in the midst of PMT, and it seemed as if I was watching, appalled from above. I came back to myself and stopped. I did not want to continue the cycle and behave like my mum and cause damage to my children's emotional well being that had been done to me.

I had a frank talk with my children. I explained this was about me, not them. I was responsible for my behaviour just as they were for theirs. But that PMT made me more vunerable, but I would try very hard with their support and sensitivity. I told them also that they were loved unconditionally, no ifs and buts, just for 'being'. But that didn't mean there wouldn't be consequences for bad behaviour. The same went for me.

My children have told me that they never felt undermined by my moodiness and snapping when suffering from PMT, because I was upfront and honest. They knew what was going on and it would pass and meanwhile, they got on with their own things. They have grown up to be amazing human beings, both wonderful parents. I'm still Mum, but we are friends and now they boss me around! We're there for each other.

Advice? Talk. Explain. Tell her how loved she is. How wonderful she is. Knowing that her worth and value in this world is a given will make a huge difference to her life's experience. And know your worth and value is a given too. Forgive yourself. Relax. Breathe......

Hi Ju Ju, that must have been awful, it's good to hear things have moved on so well. I do similar to what you did, as in tell her how loved she is etc...I can't even imagine my own mother doing that...it was usually something of the opposite in nature!

Maybe I'm freaking out over nothing, she's a cool kid and probably gets it, it's just me and my view of myself that thinks I'm getting it all wrong. Something about peri that makes any self confidence you have just go through the floor.
I know I'm definitely freaking about the upcoming hysterectomy, which is making me worry about my daughter if anything happened to me...wish I could think rationally even just for a little while each day! 

[Ju Ju]

I remember being told that part of being a parent is feeling guilty! And yet all we can do is the best we can do at the time with the knowledge we have at the time. In fact being 'good enough' parents is good enough! I would love to go back to my younger self and hug me. I would tell myself it will be OK. Just trust and love and respect my children to find their way. And for goodness sake, stop beating yourself up! Well. I can't go back, but I say that to you and give you a virtual hug instead!

[CLKD]

The other thing to say if necessary, "I love you but I don't always love or like what you do or say!"

[Lizab]

I can't advise you because I'm not finished ruining my own kids I can relate though. Last week I had it out with one and we were both in tears. When he started telling me it wasn't my fault and I'm a great mother, it was the most terriffing thing I've ever heard. In that moment I remembered my own mother, who was awful, crying all the time and making us feel as though her being crazy was our fault. I do not want to play the martyr like she did. So I did have a heart to heart with him, not blaming hormones but explaining that I feel overwhelmed and I want the best for my kids and stress is getting to me, and that meanwhile, the kids can help by following the rules, obeying without argument, and generally behaving like they should be behaving anyway.

 I think the motherhood guilt is common among all mothers. It helps to step back and think about what's reasonable or unreasonable about whatever is making you snap at your daughter. I snap at mine for crawling all over me when I'm trying to relax. My reaction probably is unreasonable when I finally react, but it isn't unreasonable to want some time to relax on the sofa without her crawling on me. I'm now sending my kids to their bedrooms for about an hour every afternoon, just because "I said so". It gives me a chance to chill and them as well. I didn't like to do this at first because it seemed like I was punishing them for nothing and I felt guilty but it's been healthy for all of us.

Kids are hard.

[Ju Ju]

You have to look after you before you can look after others. Just like the safety messages on aeroplanes, put your own oxygen mask on before putting on masks on others. In other words, you are no good to anyone, if you don't look after yourself. It's not being selfish; its survival! What 'me' time do you fit in for yourself? What enjoyable activities do you do for just for for you?

[kiltgirl]

I remember being told that part of being a parent is feeling guilty! And yet all we can do is the best we can do at the time with the knowledge we have at the time. In fact being 'good enough' parents is good enough! I would love to go back to my younger self and hug me. I would tell myself it will be OK. Just trust and love and respect my children to find their way. And for goodness sake, stop beating yourself up! Well. I can't go back, but I say that to you and give you a virtual hug instead!

Thank you for the hug! Like most (all) of us on here I could do with one

I've heard that before and liked it at the time 'good enough'...I know I put too much pressure on myself to do a better job than my own mother, I was actually relieved when she passed away (sorry if anyone finds that offensive I'm just being honest, she was a horrible narcissistic woman), I think I worry so much when I nag etc because it reminds me of her...can you imagine your child feeling like that when you pass, how awful!

I was doing really well after some counselling to get past this but I think the hormonal craziness has weakened my rationale, but recognising this I guess is the first step in overcoming it...

woo sorry that was a bit deep 

[kiltgirl]

The other thing to say if necessary, "I love you but I don't always love or like what you do or say!"

Thank you I'm going to use this, just realising how bogged down in everything I've been reading all your replies...