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[Charlotte ...]

CLKD, my mum is so angry at me just now, does anyone know of a good forum to go to to discuss these things?
I could do with some advice from others in the same circumstances. She sees my trying to make sure she eats, take her medication and wears clean clothes as abusive and has been telling people that I'm abusing her.

[CLKD]

You could begin another thread.

Also, speak to someone at AgeUK?  Is there a District Nurse you could ask?  Or a local carers/Alzehimers Group?

Charlotte: Or speak with your Mum's GP?  It is difficult for them to accept advice from their children, which we remain until they die.  When I step into Mum's back door I am immediately the 'child' again …… she sorted out help with care whilst bathing herself, without any input: surprisingly  : from me.

You could ask what advice your Mum would give a friend in a similar situation, which is kind of sideways.  She might give a clue as to how she sees her state.  Whereas mine would probably tell me "I don't give advice Dear" or "That's nothing to do with me, Dear" 

Charlotte - how old is your Mum?  How fragile is she really?  My advice for anyone being shouted at for trying to help, if their relative is generally well and managing: "They are a Big Girl/Boy now, point out that the GP wouldn't prescribe without necessity but of course, it's up to you now that you have the advice!" 

Charlotte: do you have Power of Attorney or such?  'abuse' of course is a modern word   - poking your nose in is the more familiar from way back. 

Let us know how you get on but do begin a separate thread.  I would start with your Mum's GP.

[Charlotte ...]

Thanks so much, bizarrely she was completely back to normal the next day, this seems to be  the way it's going.
She won't give me power of attorney, she's 94 and determined to live independently, she refused to get a home help even when the GP and psychiatrist suggested and we decided that we would keep it 'in the family' the only thing is its very easy to scream and shout at family. She's always been a robust matriarch and seems set to stay in that role, which is of course why we are having these problems, she can't bear 'weakness in people' her phrase, not mine.
Thanks for listening, I was feeling really sorry for myself. 

[Pennyfarthing]

Thanks so much, bizarrely she was completely back to normal the next day, this seems to be  the way it's going.
She won't give me power of attorney, she's 94 and determined to live independently, she refused to get a home help even when the GP and psychiatrist suggested and we decided that we would keep it 'in the family' the only thing is its very easy to scream and shout at family. She's always been a robust matriarch and seems set to stay in that role, which is of course why we are having these problems, she can't bear 'weakness in people' her phrase, not mine.
Thanks for listening, I was feeling really sorry for myself. 

We get quite "normal" days too Charlotte. Remind me .....Your Mum doesn't have dementia does she?

[CLKD]

"we decided"  - however, if she continues to be abusive then step back.  Tell her that you will not put up with being shouted at, that you have your own Life to leave and problems to solve.  "If you are insistent that you live independently, then I am your daughter and will not take on a caring role.  You are a Big Girl at 94 so you can decide when you need extra support from an outside source but it won't be from me!"

Put foot down with firm hand.  When my Mum 'starts' to get picky I walk away. The other tack to try is "How would you advise a friend in a similar situation?"

[Charlotte ...]

Yes Pennyfarthing, she does have it, she was diagnosed ten months ago.
And CLKD, you caught the nuance of 'we decided' very well! I want to do my best for her but the shouting and tantrums are so upsetting, I'm trying to help her not hurt her. She's just so bullish and stubborn about doing everything by herself.

[CLKD]

R U my sister?  - I get "You are NOT going to put me into a Home".  You watch this space Mother  .  I don't live close by so can walk away for months and she does have a strict routine, we have to make an appt. to visit  .

But when push comes to shove I will walk away.  She has un-diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder so can swing any situation to suit herself and at 64 I'm too tired and have had a life-time of it - so will tell her that I will remain her daughter and not her carer and she can make arrangements herself if she shouts at me.  My sister is a Nurse but she won't have her near the place 

What do you intent to do to ease your feelings?  Maybe have a look-see locally and find out what is available via Social Services, Care homes etc. so that at least you are well armed. No one can force someone into 'care' and the situation in the UK is dire  but we have to protect our own feelings.

[bramble]

Charlotte
Ax society have a forum called Talking Point. All manner of help and advice.

[Ju Ju]

Looking after yourself is very, very important. I took a step back years ago. I do not feel guilty and I am treated with more respect as a result. Mum and dad do not have dementia, but when mum was very ill, it was very interesting that she fell back into old ways of treating me. Apparently I was a very naughty difficult child according to mum when she's like this, but my dad says I was a little angel. I can have a sense of humour now about it as I have fully taken on board that it was about her not me. There will never be any occasion where I would take on any aspect of caring, which now I have health issues shouldn't raise any expectations from anywhere. I do care and when she's ill I do my best to support Dad even if it's just being on the end of the phone for him. Dad did get health and financial Power of Attourney for me, my DH and daughter (my sister has died) so no battles there. I do what I can and what I am willing to do because I matter too. So do you!

[Charlotte ...]

Thanks for that Bramble 

[Pennyfarthing]

Don't expect to get much sleep tonight. Three of us were seeing Mum up the stairs to bed at our house and she got onto the landing went to turn into her room and crashed over.  Nothing broken but she banged her head on a light switch. No blood but lump on back of head. I have soaked it in cold water and she's talking OK. Took some paracetamol and she's as snug as a bug with a hot water bottle.

We have put very heavy boxes across the top of the stairs so she won't fall down them if she gets out in night. It is such a worry.  I have given her a bell to ring if she needs me in the night but the slightest noise and I will be jumping out.

[Cazikins]

How are things today PF?

[CLKD]

A child gate?  A trip to Mothercare maybe?

[Pennyfarthing]

A child gate?  A trip to Mothercare maybe?

I've been thinking this too. Thanks.  We had one until this summer when our elderly dog died. We used to have it across our bedroom door to keep our dogs out. Now we are dogless. 

[Charlotte ...]

That must have been awful for you, a child gate is an excellent idea, I used to always want to live until I was 100, now I'm not so sure.