Menopause Matters Forum
General Discussion => This 'n' That => Topic started by: Bette on July 27, 2012, 03:46:18 PM
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First of all, a big thank you to everyone who's been supporting me through this "stuff" with my Mum. Your wisdom and support is much appreciated and may well be what will get me through this in one piece. OH has been/is being wonderful but it's such a relief to be able to offload on here. :thankyou:
After my "meltdown" yesterday - probably much needed, if only as stress relief :o - I'm feeling a bit better today, despite getting less sleep that I'd like. ::) Posting on here - and reading your excellent advice - really helped, as did OH's reassurance that I'm not alone in this (although he appreciates that it's easy to feel as if I am.) He suggested that I speak to Mum's gp about my worries about her memory and also offered to come with me when I visited today.
Him being there really helped; she loved seeing him and he chatted to her while I sorted out her tablets etc. His mum had also just been round so Mum was benefiting from that too. He said afterwards that he didn't think that she was much worse than before and that he thinks that she's definitely better off there for as long as possible, especially as she's starting to get out and socialise - she was walking over to their community centre this afternoon to watch the bowls and to have a cup of tea. He appreciates my concern, though; it's just more upsetting for me and I know that he's the same with his dad, whereas I'm able to cope better with him. ??? Just a case of being a bit "too" close, I suppose. :-\
I spoke to the gp this afternoon and got up to speed. He's great - and it really helps that he can access everything on the computer there and then. The district nurse says that the boil on her back is nearly healed - still checking it weekly. The gp had ordered some extra tests - she's clear for diabetes but is slightly anaemic. However, he explained that it's what they term "age-related anaemia" so wouldn't be helped by extra iron as she's not actually iron-deficient. They're keeping an eye on the MRSA. He doesn't feel that there's any obvious explanation (like a urine infection) for her confusion so thinks it's likely that it's dementia of some kind and I agree with that. He's referred her to the hospital for assessment but requested that they come to her bungalow if possible. Once we have a diagnosis there might be some treatment which will help a bit but more importantly, it will allow us to access various support packages and services which are only available once you have an official diagnosis.
I've started this thread because it really helps me to be able to "get it all out" and I thought that it would be nice to have a place for us all to talk about our situations/experiences if we want to.
Bette x
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:foryou: I think you are doing a wonderful job, your OH is doing his Best and you are lucky to have a 'family GP' who sits and listens. Thanks for the up-date! Eventually this will come to me and Himself too :( - Mum is 86 and well currently however ::)
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My Mum has been diagnosed with vascular dementia (about 2 years ago) and while we did get support during the process of getting a diagnosis we now feel we are left very much alone. I think it very much depends where you live. I hope you get better support than we have had. We now have Mum in day care Monday to Friday and my sister and I cover the weekend but we managed to arrange this ourselves rather than have it done for us. As with everything else you need to be a bit pushy to get what you need. I can sympathise with your situation. :(
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Bette
I think you do a great job with your mum but your comment about being "too close" rang such a bell with me. Its very difficult to stand back and rationalize what would be best to do. I also find it very difficult to switch things off, and the problems and worries are in my mind all the time.
I sometimes wonder how we are going to get from one week to another but somehow we do.
It helps to come here and just get it all out.
:thankyou:
To all the ladies who have also offered me a shoulder.
Honeyb
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That must be hard, grandy. :hug: How does she get on at night? Hopefully it helps having your sister to share it with, though.
Thanks, Honeyb. I do think about her all the time but I also find that I'm able to be more practical and organised when not actually face to face with her. Actually, that's not true - I'm ok with her if I've got something practical and constructive to do for her; it's when I'm just sitting there trying to chat that I struggle, can't stop my mind going off on a tangent thinking about how she's changing before my eyes. That's why it was easier with OH there today and I think that I must let him come with me more often; I know he's willing to but I guess I feel like I'm imposing, that she's "my" responsibility. That's silly, though, as we've always shared everything, good and bad and I would always want to help him with his parents. The emotional baggage that seems to come with being a woman! :beat:
Bette x
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Bette - you may be grieving for the lady she was? not how she is now. But if she is content and fairly well in herself, try to live in the moment - she will be ;).
Grandy - go back to the people you had support from initially and ask what the next step is. Tell them that you are new to this situation and how you and your sister are dealing with it but you need to know about other help and if there is I don't mean remedial >:( ....... you know, when you and your sister can have a break ::)
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Bette - Mum manages ok at night. She is in sheltered housing and can still get in and out of bed. She has very limited mobility which strangely enough is a bit of a blessing now as I think she would wander and get lost if she could get out and about herself.
CLKD - Our main problem is that social workers etc choose to listen to Mum, not us. So if, for example, they ask her if she can do housework, she says yes, I do it all. We tell them that in fact she cannot do any housework but they still believe her and write her answer on the form, even though they know she has dementia. We told one social worker that we correct what Mum says because it is the only way to get the truth across and we were told "I don't think you should correct your Mum like that, it might upset her"!!! >:(
At the moment we are coping with the day care she has but it is only a matter of time before the help needs to increase.
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Those social workers sound awful, grandy. >:( Mum is still under the Interim Care Team after her hip operation but they've asked social services to take over. A social worker came to Mum's bungalow to go over things a couple of weeks ago and was great. She asked Mum things but often asked me to clarify Mum's answers and asked whether I agreed. When I suggested a couple of things, she happily added them to the list of what the carers should do. I felt that she was treating Mum and I as equal partners, IYKWIM. I suppose that it might have helped that she'd received assessments from the existing care team, so was aware of how Mum was/wasn't coping. ???
you may be grieving for the lady she was? not how she is now I'm sure that you're right, CLKD. I need to adjust to the situation and not over-react. ::)
But if she is content and fairly well in herself, try to live in the moment - she will be That is certainly true. She's perfectly happy and I need to be thankful for that and stop worrying about what "may" happen. However, being observant is useful. I realised that she was avoiding putting on certain shoes because they were awkward - got her a long-handled shoe horn and now she's fine. She mentioned struggling to pick up something she'd dropped, so I got her a "grabber". I realised that she'd stopped preparing and cooking potatoes (although she happily does other veg) so I started adding them to the casseroles I freeze for her; then remembered that I'd got a stock of some without so have frozen portions of mash - she told me today that she had some with beef casserole for lunch and really enjoyed it.
Hopefully, it will turn out that her memory problems are just age-related and they won't worsen too quickly but I think it's best to find out so that we know what we're dealing with.
Bette x
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Bette, Glad to hear that you and your Mum are coping with things. I think it helps to just take each little problem and deal with it rather than worry about the whole situation. (Easier said than done). I know when we began to suspect Mum had some form of dementia it quickly became obvious that it was something more than just age-related memory problems. How old is your Mum? My Mum is 81 and health wise is very robust apart from her mobility and could well have many years ahead of her, which is a worry re dementia. I know that sounds terrible but as her memory gets worse it worries me how things will go in the years to come.
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Mum will be 94 in October! :o That's why I think that it's possible that it's just age-related; the stress of her fall and the op may well have accelerated things a bit, I think. She's been getting a bit "vaguer" for the last year or so, I suppose. It must be so hard not to think and worry about the future - I know that I'm having to work hard at that. One day at a time - that's what m-i-l (who cares for f-i-l who is physically frail) has always said and now I know what she means. ::)
Bette x
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This is a good thread and very apt as many of us have elderly parents. My Mum is 88 and I've been over and collected her and taken her out shopping this morning and to get some lunch. That involves about 40 miles round trip but she loves the ride out and it was a gorgeous morning and we've had precious few of those this year.
She's had bowel cancer twice in recent years, a new knee about 4 years ago and both eyes done last summer (cataracts) but she's amazingly well really. She has a push trolley thing with a built in seat if she needs to rest and we went to a market and got her fruit & veg and then to a small supermarket and a couple of small shops. She soon gets very tired though these days and gets cross with herself. I have to remind her that she's up at 6 am and done her jobs by the time most younger people are getting out of bed!! ;) We bought some lunch and then we called at my Dad's grave and checked that over and then she was in bed for her afternoon nap by 2 pm :) someone is collecting her and taking her to church this evening so all in all she's had a good day.
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Wow! 94 and still living independently and cooking etc. Well heating things up but still that's great. I guess by that age most people have some memory loss. Hope things work out ok for your mum. Has she had a memory test?
Pennyfarthing, It sounds like your Mum is still managing to lead an active life. I guess we should all be thankful that we still have our Mums. My Dad died of a heart attack when he was 57. So having Mum's living into their 80s and even 90s is great.
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The gp did one a few weeks ago, grandy but as I'm concerned that it might be getting worse, he's referred her for a proper assessment.
She is doing really well for her age, I know but that doesn't stop us worrying, does it? :-\
Bette x
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Until relatives get Enduring Power of Attorney then Social Workers etc. have to go by what the client tells them! however scatty this might be and however inappropriate. It is 'against their human rights' or some such wording not to listen to the patient/client/sufferer ::). Unless a Consultant in Geriatric Medicine writes a report then the children/carers don't get much say in what happens :cuss: ....... even if children live with the affected parent >:(
I'm a born worrier ........ Mum always told me to put her into a home when the time comes but will I really believe that's what she wants, although she says repeatedly that she doesn't "want to be a burden on anyone". I would rather people tell me what it is they require than beat about the bush ::)
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I'm the same CLKD but knowing my aunt wanted to go into a home when the time came hasn't made it any easier for me. As for EPA ... I'm still waiting for the certificate. It's taking a long time.
My advice. If anyone thinks they are going to need this then apply with time to spare. I was told it would take about 15 weeks. I think we are going to come in more at 20 weeks. Can't do anything till I have it. So frustrating >:(
As for Social Workers ... I think the one allocated to us is still wet behind the ears ::)
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We're due to sign all the documents for EPA next Weds. The solicitor advised that we should "activate" it at the same time as "applying" for it (not sure what the correct terms are ::)) as it always takes more time than they say. We don't actually need it yet - and hopefully won't if Mum is able to stay in her bungalow - but it's best to be prepared even if it does mean that we pay for it un-necessarily.
Sorry to hear that you're struggling a bit, san. I'm sure that you've done the right thing for your aunt but can also understand how difficult it must be. :hug:
Bette x
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This may be too personal and if it is I will understand a no reply - may I ask how much it cost Bette?
Purplenanny x x
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I'll be happy to tell you when I know, Purplenanny! The solicitor did tell me when I enquired about it a couple of years ago but at that stage we decided not to bother and I can't remember now. ::) It's obviously cheaper if you DIY and TBH, having seen the form, we probably could have done that but I didn't want the hassle at the moment and we know the solicitor well so preferred to use him.
Bette x
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We have EPA for Mum. I think the cost is around £500 if you go through a solicitor. Obviously will vary.
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Sounds familiar! ;D
Bette x
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Thanks Bette.
I think you are brilliant the way you are looking after your Mum and I know it is very worrying for you. The caring thought you put into her needs is lovely and she is doing very well with your help.
Gulp! that's a lot Grandy. I wonder how much it is for DIY - I will have a look online
Purplenanny x x
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I didn't even think of doing it myself. She had left instructions for it with her solicitor. Also I think maybe it's better paying for them to do it as you'd probably need to go to the court to submit the application. Keeps everything above board as well by using them.
Think the cost for us is around £450. Using the same solicitor as she has her Will with.
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I have heard of DIY and I don't think it's too bad but the slightest silly error on the form is enough to render it unvalid. I think that you can download it or just look at it online. It was also very helpful when he actually told us exactly what decisions had to be made and he is acting as witness so we don't need to ask/involve anyone else.
Bette x
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Quite right Bette. A mistake can hold up the whole process. I didn't have a witness as she had already set this up herself with me as named person.
Our one is being granted on the 9th. They said I should have the certificate 3 weeks after that.
At least once it's here we can get on with going to the bank and setting up her fees to be paid at the care home and putting her flat up for sale.
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Once you have EPA there is still a bit to do. Notifying banks, insurance companies etc. Some are fussier than others. One insurance company asked to see my passport/ driving licence as well as the original EPA! Others were just happy to go with the document. It's not an easy process! Hope things go well for you San!
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I'm a co-signatory on all Mum's bank accounts; we want the EPA in case we need to sell her bungalow at some stage to fund nursing home care. Hopefully it won't get to that but we'd rather be prepared.
Bette x
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That is we're getting, Fleurie - sorry, used the wrong term! ::)
Bette x
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Thanks Fleurie. So far she's managing things for herself - with me telling her what to do ::) ;D - but it'll be good to have this as a back-up.
Bette x
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Thanks, I will check it all with the bank once it's through. However, I'm co-signatory on all her accounts and have already signed cheques and moved money between accounts with no problems so might not need to do anything else.
Bette x
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Could we have a list of agencies to contact before/once required, i.e. GP or Social Services etc..
I wouldn't know where to begin if anything happened to Mum ::) ......... her Church probably in the first instance then ?
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Basically its the GP and then social services for an evaluation. Thats how it works up here CLKD. It may be different in England but I doubt it.
If hospital is involved then there is usually a programme of help set up before discharge.
It is best to be prepared though.
Honeyb
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I'd say GP in first instance, CLKD. We've been "lucky" in that because Mum was taken to hospital after her fall and then had a hip op. she seems to have gotten into the "system" and so far it's worked well. I know that others haven't found the system to have worked so well, though. :-\ I think that her GP is good which is a big help.
Bette x
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:thankyou: I'll ask at the Surgery next time I pop in, not that we require assistance at this moment in time but it will probably be useful ::)
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I did mean her gp, CLKD but maybe you realise that. ???
Bette x
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My Mum is only 69, but has Parkinsons and normal pressure hydrocephalus, both of which contribute to her almost complete lack of mobility. To 'get her in the system' to get some help at home we had to contact Social Services ourselves. My Dad died in February (cancer) and in the couple of months before his final admission to hospice he had morning carers to help him get washed and dressed. When he was admitted to the hospice (and we knew it was for the last time, and wouldn't be a long stay), the carers told Mum to contact her GP for referral to get carers herself, so Mum duly called the GP .... who told her 'she has a daughter' so didn't need carers!!!! I called Social Services myself (4 times in the end, the second, third and fourth calls emphasising that Mum had fallen and needed hospital treatment twice sinve my first call to them - all 3 times they said Mum was 'urgent' for assessment!) and she was finally assessed for care in APRIL. She now has a carer every morning. Most mornings, they simply do jobs like changing the bed sheet and putting out the rubbish, but some mornings she needs more help.
Mum can go from expressing a wish to go in a home to telling me she wants to stop the carers (NOT happening!!) in the space of one sentence! A locum GP (called by the carer one morning when she was concerned about Mum's level of confusion) referred her to the elderly psychiatry team - a community mental health nurse came to Mum's bunglalow and assessed her. She has no signs of dementia of any kind - apparantly her confusion, forgetfulness and inability to understand more than one thing at once is down to her grief for Dad and for the life she had until about October last year (that's when her mobility started to really fail).
Mum either cannot or will not grasp that she is not going to wake up one morning and be able to walk again - she is constantly telling me what she will do when she can move again, when she can get out again, etc. it breaks my heart as I know it's simply not going to happen. She was always so active and full of life and to see her struggling to do the simplest of jobs and just whiling away her days watching antiques shows on TV is soul-destroying. We tried taking her to our static caravan for the weekend and that was a disaster, so basically she is effectively stuck where she is for the rest of her life (other than the odd trip out, which has to be planned with military precision, and which she enjoys once they happen but makes a big fuss about how hard it is in the days before, and there is no way you can surprise her with an outing - she just wouldn't go!).
I know, in the big scheme of things, I'm lucky with Mum - she makes no demands on me and, with the help of the carers (and the knowledge she has a little thing round her wrist that will call the emergency services if she falls - clever!), she is relatively independant. But sometimes I despair at the state she's in, I miss the Mum I have lost hugely, and it breaks my heart when she tells me she's just in the way and would be better off dead :'(
Sorry - once I start venting all this I can't stop :( Hubby does his best, but he's never been the best at emotional things (he's GREAT with practical problems!), and I do my best not to moan to my friends - I'm fed up with myself for moaning, so goodness knows how they feel! At least you girls can just stop reading when you've had enough!! Thanks for listening x
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That is exactly why I started this thread, Scampi, so that we have a place where we can get it all out knowing that it will be read by others who really understand and care. :hug:
I'm glad that you've finally got a carer but it's appalling that you had to go through so much and that gp should be ashamed of himself. >:( Mum's carers don't actually do much but it's important that they check that she's taken her meds and are good at keeping an eye on and flagging up potential problems. She also finds them very reassuring which is important as confidence seems to play a big part in her confusion.
She's been a bit better over the last few days so I'm beginning to think that the shock of the fall, op, hospital stay and the fact that she was semi-conscious for 24 hours are factors in her confusion. It may well just be the natural ageing process but I think that it will be good to get an official diagnosis just to make sure.
I can believe that grief could be doing a lot of this to your Mum, Scampi; you've all been through so much. And I know exactly what you mean by But sometimes I despair at the state she's in, I miss the Mum I have lost hugely
Please keep posting, we can all help each other through this. :-*
Bette x
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before on the phone ... "are you her daughter? oh a niece! Do you visit every day?"
I knew where this was going >:( ::)
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I had a call earlier from the carer to say that they're going to drop the evening visit as she's doing so well. :o I pointed out that although the last few days have been good, only last week she was dreadfully confused; she admitted that she hadn't seen her personally next week and that it was one of the nurses who'd said that they could drop one visit. I pointed out that we're going away next Weds for a week (hopefully) and I was counting on the carers going in, so she said that they would chat it through at the office tomorrow. I also told her that the gp has requested a psych. assessment which seemed to make her pause.
I know that they're not actually doing much but I still think that the visits are very valuable. Maybe I'm wrong? ???
Bette x
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Not wrong at all! Whose peace of mind is this for? They are OK in the Office situation of assessing how far your Mum has 'come' in recent weeks but you need to know that there are people going in ! however much your Mum has improved, surely she needs some regular contact for a while yet!
Hopefully they will take on board that you will not be around to pick up any pieces ;) point out that this isn't a holiday just for you but there are others involved!
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Sounds rotten Scampi. We're all here for you. Can't stop - buzzer's just gone off to tell me hair dye time is up - don't want to end up like Elvis!! ;D ;D
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if they drop visits and you want them to continue ask them for a list of carer organisations. You can pay for it.
Maybe they are planning to wean her off for when their visits stop
don't cancel your plans for going away Bette. You need a time to recharge :hug:
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Thanks everyone. I just needed to hear someone else say it!
The problem is that this is being provided by the "Interim Care Team" and they should have stopped going in weeks ago. ::) However, they're waiting for Social Services to take over; when the social worker came round a few weeks ago we agreed on two visits a day but that hasn't started yet. I can understand the Interim Care Team wanting to "wean her off" their care, as that's their job but it's not our fault that Social Services are dragging their heels. I think that I'll have to stand by my guns for now. We know that Mum will have to contribute once SS take over and that's fine.
I am keen to go away, as is OH and Mum too - she'd be furious if I didn't go.
Bette x
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with me the interim team called in a private film to take over as they had to sign the job of for their staff. I increased the care to what I wanted it to be and paid just that part of it.
You're right Bette ... your mum will put you on the 'naughty spot' if you don't go away .. ;D
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What really makes me angry about all this is the job my Mum did for almost 25 years until she retired .... she was a sheltered housing warden. She was a proper, 'old fashioned' warden - she physically visited all her residents (26 bunglalows) 5 days a week (not just calling them on the intercom), helped them with shopping, pension collecting (remember pension books that you had to take the Post Office for cashing - Mum used to take at least half a dozen a week, many more when the weather was poor!), presciptions, sorted out Social Services, doctors, everything. She was wonderful - her attention and help meant her residents could stay independently in their own homes. And now Mum needs that sort of support herself .... she lives in the same village she used to work in - when she was working the village had FIVE wardens (4 resident in their own complexes and one 'walk-round' who did the daily visits, etc, for a very small complex and those living in their own homes in the village rather than one of the council complexes) - there is now one warden in the village and all she does is contact her list of 'priority clients' by intercom each day (and Mum isn't one of them)!! She is no longer allowed to do most of the stuff Mum and her colleagues did - the stuff that really helps, and she isn't expected to actually SEE her 'clients' at all!!! >:(
Effectively, the carer Mum has each morning is doing the support role a warden would have done in the past - she checks Mum is ok each day, makes sure her tablets are sorted out (Mum gets her tablets delivered by the chemist in a 'dosset box' - each box holds one week's tablets in 4 blisters for each day - morning, lunch, tea and bed - makes it easy to remember which to take when) and calls in assistance if she feels it's necessary. Mum was classed as 'part-time' (she was contracted to 25 hours a week) and in that time supplied that level of help to 26 homes - surely that was more 'efficient' (hate that word!!) than all these 'carers' running around like idiots!!
Going to stop ranting now! I hope everybody's 'olds' are doing well today x
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Scampi - that is so sad about your Mum being a warden and now needing help herself. I'm afraid the world has moved on and not for the better.
Our village had (until a couple of years ago) a warden who lived in a house on site and covered all the little bungalows for elderly people. She was wonderful, she went in to see each of them every morning and every afternoon. She did all the things you describe and she also used to organise little bring & buy sales, coffee mornings, BBQs and trips out for the residents. They all knew that if they needed her at any time they just had to pick up the phone.
Now there's no warden, nobody checks on them physically and if they need someone urgently they are put through to a centre in Kent - we're in Norfolk!!! ;D ;D :'( :'( The wardens house has now been given to a family and it is not well looked after at all. Weeds & uncut grass, rubbish outside and it was all spotless when the warden lived there.
I was talking to one of the residents the other day and she was saying how wonderful the warden used to be and nothing was too much trouble. One time she had a problem with water not going down the plughole on the floor of her wetroom. She said the warden just got down on her hands & knees, unscrewed it and cleared a load of hair from it .... job done! If they need anything now they have to make about 3 phone calls and wait a fortnight. ::)
Ladies like your Mum were marvellous (my Auntie was a warden too) and I think they should be brought back. It's the personal touches which are missing today.
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It is sad how the warden role has changed. When Mum first moved into her bungalow over 20 years ago, the warden lived in the house which came with the job just around the corner. Her (retired) husband did any little jobs required and she ran lots of "extras" like lunches and clubs. If she didn't think a resident sounded 100% when she called them in the morning, she always "popped round" to check and often stayed for a coffee and a chat. There are now 2 (one 9 - 3, one 9 - 12) and they spend most of their time filling out forms and calling in workmen. ::) All the activities are run by a enthusiastic resident and she checks up on people more than the wardens do. ::) The warden complained to me that relatives didn't always update them on what was going on, so when Mum came home from hospital I made a real effort to do so but was usually met with negative comments about support and carers like "Well, that's what they say but I bet it doesn't happen." This at a time when I was having to work very hard to keep my head above water. :( In fact, on one occasion I said "Sorry but I really don't need this right now" and walked out. I am no longer surprised that relatives don't update them! Sadly, it's no longer a "caring" role, more a pen-pushing one from what I can see. :-\
Thanks ladies for your advice. I've spoken to the Interim Care Team and they appreciate my concerns and have agreed to continue with the 2 visits a day, even though she no longer needs the "rehab" they're meant to provide. They're going to chase up SS as they can't understand why her care package hasn't been sorted yet; there's obviously been a glitch as others who they started with after Mum have already been handed over weeks ago.
Bette x
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Good Bette - now you can go on your break! ENJOY!
I know when Dad needed care at home, which he had to pay for, the girls were in transit more than with him :'( ...... and never there when required, i.e. lifting to the pan and back or to change the sheets. The girls would be on their mobiles in the house whilst trying to 'do' for him, had I been there I would have told them to leave the mobiles in their cars :cuss: - we are paying for your time and your time we will get but Mum wouldn't tell them >:( ........ another narcisstic habit :-X .......... if the girls were a few minutes over their 'time' with Dad the woman who owned the 'care service' would phone to tell them to get to the next client. Money based, that's what.
Mum lasted all of 6 days before he had to be shipped off to yet antoher 'home' :'(
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Not sure if we have the same services here, we don't have carers, they are called HSW? however they have been amazing, three visits a day, morning evening and bedtime tuck, mum gets a shower twice a week and they will heat food for her, and leave her a sandwich or flask of soup for lunch. We don't pay anything for this because it is the 'personal care' element, anything requiring domestic tasks we would need to pay for.
This is called 're-enablement', they may decide she doesn't need this level.
Eddie. x
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My Dad is 90 years old & lives in an Alms house - no carers but a warden (& a matron as he calls her) who check in on him everyday just to make sure he is ok (alive & kicking that is).
He has developed a few problems over the last few months, several falls & wobbly days as he calls them.
He is supposed to wear surgical stockings every day but he is refusing to put them on.
We (the family) have offered to do this for him but he has refused.
We have suggested to arrange for a carer to do it for him - but he has refused.
We have told him that he needs this done every day because otherwise he could end up in hospital - he listens but you can see the "shutters" coming done.
He has all his marbles & he knows exactly what is going on. Me 7 my Bro have almost come to blows about it because I feel it is Dads choice as to how he wants to deal with it. We can only keep an eye on him - we can't take over his life & run it if he doesn't want us to. Big Bro thinks we should be forcing him to do things.
Dad still manages to get around town 2/3 times a week with the help of his 3 wheeler, & he still manages to get to the pub 2/3 times a week (like father like daughter).
Tomorrow he is standing in the middle of town doing a street collection for the old para's, & he will be all dressed up with his red beret on & his medals
looking so smart & proud.
What a man....
Cazi xx
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Oh Caz you must be real proud of him. :)
Maybe he doesn't like the stockings because they are so tight to wear. It's a problem a lot of people have in persuading others to wear them :(
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Aww Cazikins, your dad sounds great! and determined to remain independant for as long as he is able.
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Oh, that's so good. I bet you hope you are as resilient.
Ohhh, hrt until 90??? Think i would need it.
Eddie. x
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The trouble is San is that Dad struggles to put the stockings on (they are really tight bug*ers), & he doesn't want any of us to help him. He says the day he has to ask for help is the day that he will give up altogether. :'(
I bet you hope you are as resilient.
Eddie. x
More likely to be just as stubborn Eddie ;D
Cazi xx
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I think I agree with you Cazikins, if your Dad has all his marbles then I think he has the right to choose whether he wears them or not. If he has reached 90 doing his own thing then good on him!
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I know someone who wears them. He uses a cream first and waits a couple of minutes before putting on the stocking. Has he tried that?
They are really tight so I'd be surprised if your dad has the strength in his hands to pull them up. They also make your legs hot so they don't sound the most comfortable things to wear.
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We are having the same kind of thing with my mum, she's doing really well after her op, but my brother is so frightened to let her do anything for herself, she's getting annoyed with him, so when he's not there we WILL sit in the garden for 10 mins! I think men have the all or nothing approach, not realising that i have been doing all n
the necessary stuff for her for the past 10 years.
As for those socks! Mum refuses too, she uses a cream in a pump too (bluen) or something like it, that does help, but the socks are nearly impossible, she keeps her legs raised as much as poss and takes an extra water pill when they are bad.
Eddie.x
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Yes Dad has a cream to put on as well - he manages that ok & he says he elevates his feet as much as possible. ::) ::)
Parents ay - what are we to do with them....love them & respect their wishes I say.
Cazi
xx
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Yep, and thank our lucky stars they are still here. xx
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There's a lot to be said for the saying 'respect your elders'
Think how I would like to be treated and try to do it that way is how I go about it
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I'm leaving in 5 mins to pick up my Mum and take her out for the morning. She likes a drive round on a nice day and then we get her groceries.
She is getting a wee bit forgetful and tires quite easily these days but is still a million times better than I imagine I will be at 88 - don't even think I'll make that TBH!
I always ring her about 9pm and rang as usual last night - no answer and I let it ring for ages. 15 mins later I did the same. No answer. As she's about 10 miles away I rang her neighbour and asked her to nip round and knock on her lounge window. Thankfully she rang about 10 mins later and said the kitchen phone is not ringing and if it rang upstairs she didn't hear it. So I'll check she hasn't got it on mute or something.
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Hope you have a lovely day with your Mum Pennyfarthing, she is doing well. Treasure the moments together, wish I had my Mum around. Happy days
PN x x
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Oh I know that sinking feeling when she does not answer the phone. ::)
We also have a neighbour who will if asked go knock on the door.
She knows when me and sis will phone but it never occurs to her that if the time goes by and she has not heard from us that we might be trying to get ahold of her.
Parents ::)
Honeyb
x
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I have been known to drive over to Mum's when she hasn't answered the phone or when it's been engaged "permanently." Once the phone was out of order - she realised but had thought of using a neighbour's phone to let us know ::) and a couple of times it's been because she's forgotten to press the red button to hang up. Once I could hear the tv on and her chatting happily to her sister who was staying!
Mum seems to be doing really well at the moment. The gp has visited her again and has decided not to refer her to the hospital for memory assessment for now as he thinks that she's doing fine. Social services are taking over her care from Tues evening so it'll be interesting to see how that works out. I'll be home on Weds, so the timing is quite good. She asked today where her "files" are - where she files away bank statements, bills etc. She wasn't coping with it since coming out of hospital, so I took them home a few weeks ago and have been doing it. When I said that and then said "I can clear them out and bring them back so that you can start doing it again if you want" she replied "That's a good idea." That's really encouraging, as she'd stopped even trying to understand her post and was just handing it over to me to deal with. i thought things were improving when she queried something from her last bank statement last week - I'd transferred a lump sum from her current account into her ISA - that's the first time she'd actually read one since coming home. The gp did say that she might just be recovering from the stress of the hospital stay. The short term memory problems are still there but then, they were appearing before all this happened.
I do discuss things with her and advise her on things - like not walking over to the shops on her own yet but waiting till I can go with her a couple of times to make sure that it's not too far - but when it comes down to it, it is her life and it's important that she enjoys it as best she can. My heart has leapt a couple of times when she's mentioned things like knocking over a plant and cleaning up the spilt soil and cleaning out her bird bath but in her 90s, she surely has the right to live life how she wants to. Wrapping her up in cotton wool (or trying to!) may give her a bit longer but being happy now is surely what matters? Knowing her as I do, being independant will keep her happy and healthy much longer than feeling that she's got to wait for someone else to do everything.
Bette x
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That sounds very positive Bette, it is so reassuring & uplifting when you can see things improving.
Many times I have phoned Dad & he has taken ages & ages to answer it & it is always the same excuse:
"I was taking a shower... or I was in the toilet". Now Dad has one shower a week, always on a Thursday, the rest of the time he has a strip wash at the sink & I know this ::). I don't ask anymore Bette ;D ;D.
He takes the phone with him to the bathroom but he always tells me why it has taken him so long to answer - in the meantime I'm panicking that he has had a fall.
Anyway glad your mum is doing ok.
xxx
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When we were there last week, OH returned from the bathroom with a smile on his face - and the phone! Now, I know that she always takes it in there with her "just in case" - despite wearing an alarm pendant and having pull cords in every room - mainly, I think, so that she can answer if it rings. (We have had slightly odd conversations in the past, only for her to finally admit "Well, actually I'm in the loo"! ;D ) Anyway, OH says "Mum, where's the phone?" and she says "There, on the trolley." She then looks and says "Oh, I must have left it somewere." He says "Yes, in the bathroom." She shrugs and says "Never mind, I would have found it if it had rung and I know where the bedroom one is." That told him!
Bette x
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Its great news that she is improving Bette.....she sounds so....nice. Can I borrow her please.
My mother has the dietitian coming next week. She does not want me there in case I embarrass her and sister is to keep her mouth shut. What on earth do you do with someone like that. I do all her cooking and try really hard to make sure they are well balanced and nourishing. Damned if you do and damned if you dont. :-\
Honeyb
x
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:bighug: Honeyb.
Bette x
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Dad didn't make the collection on Saturday. I went round to see him today & he had taken a tumble on Friday which he did not mention when I rang him on Friday >:( >:(.
He has bruising on his upper left arm & a cut on his right arm. He says he had a wobble in the kitchen on Friday morning & has been taking things easy ever since.
Oh I do wish I knew what to do for the best - he just wont tell us these things unless we see the evidence.
He seemed ok in himself & I don't think he is any worse for the tumble.
These old soldiers are tough.
Love Cazi xx
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HB, my mother makes yours look like St. Theresa. Trade anytime. But mine does not speak to me or my younger sister, only her fav, even after five months of 24/7 nursing care by me in her home. Count your blessings.
Actually, I really do feel for you because mine was like yours before she got worse and then sister aided and abetted. Not even a card for Don. :P this, not this >:( though.
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You can choose your friends but not your relations. I would not choose mine but then again they may not choose me ;D
My visit to mother went quite well today. I came home without wanting to kill her so that is an improvement ;D ;D
She is looking forward to her party and worried about it in equal measure. I do hope it goes well for her and she is not too tired.
Honeyb
x
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Oh Cazi your Dad was probably disappointed - had he thought to ring and explain someone could have taken him along perhaps - hey ho, we can't change Sat. can we. As for not wearing the socks, maybe he's clinging to the bits of independence that he is able to ......... ::) ...... were we ever as difficult during the 'terrible 2s' ? It's sort of in reverse!
Mum rang this morning and didn't listen to a word I was trying to say, which means I'll have to write her a letter again this week ....... :whist: moaning about the man in her house keeps her going :P
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Cazi, Mum had several "little" falls over the years and I only ever found out by chance. ::) There's no point worrying about it as there's really nothing you can do - oh how I wish that I could take my own advice! :-X
Mum is definitely getting better - she's starting to rebel! ;D Said on the phone today that she asked m-i-l if she drinks water (this is because we keep nagging her about it) and that the answer was "no." Not sure if that's true but I'm going to prime m-i-l anyway!
Social services have taken over care duties and the lady rang me today (apologising for interupting my holiday ::) ) to say that Mum seems fine and she doesn't think that she needs any carers. I was half expecting this.... She's agreed to continue the package until I get home and can talk to her and Mum about it.
Bette x
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Social service are great, we get three visits daily for mum. Cazi, has you dad had any help from them?
Eddie. x
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I'm sure that they are, Eddie but I think that those receiving care are meant to fit certain "criteria" i.e. "need" certain things. I think that they may well say that Mum doesn't meet their criteria but I'll discuss it with Mum and get in private carers if necessary. She'll need to pay something anyway, I think, because of her savings; I know that it's different in Scotland.
Bette x
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No Eddie he hasn't, the trouble is is that he will only say "what do I need them for" - I can just hear him saying it. :) :)
Oh Cazi your Dad was probably disappointed - had he thought to ring and explain someone could have taken him along perhaps - hey ho, we can't change Sat. can we. As for not wearing the socks, maybe he's clinging to the bits of independence that he is able to ......... ::) ...... were we ever as difficult during the 'terrible 2s' ? It's sort of in reverse!
Too true CLKD.
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That's helpful, Susan, thanks. I'll see what the SS lady says when I call her.
Bette x
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This may help, i think it looks like all elderly over 65 can get some help regardless of financial situation. I hope so.
However, what they are doing with my mum is called re-enablement, this lets them see what she can do for herself, and they will do the rest. Care component only of course.
http://www.medic8.com/healthguide/elderly-care/paying.html
Eddie. x
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TBH, I think that it may well be that Mum doesn't need carers now but I'll wait and see what she and the SS lady says. She is coping very well now, it might just be a case of making sure that she (and I!) feel confident.
Bette x
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It will be nice to know what she is entitled to should she/you require extra services. Information to lodge in the back of your minds if ever you need it ;)
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I did ring SS & asked them if we could get someone out every morning to put the surgical stocking on for dad but they said that it was not an "extreme" requirement (or some other kind of expression). Basically they could only send someone to help if it was possible that dad would be a harm to himself or others - it had to be something more serious.
I did politely try to explain that we were trying to do as much for him as possible to try & keep him out of hospital, thus saving the NHS some money in the long run.
Fell on deaf ears though - I just got an explanation that funds were tight etc & this was not a serious enough case.
They suggested I apply for a benefit (attendance allowance I think it was called) that could help pay for a private carer.
Anyway me & Bro have agreed that what ever we do Dad is not going to have someone to do it.
Cazi xx
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Cazikins, I would definitely apply for the attendance allowance. My Mum has been getting this for some time and you could use it to help pay for carers.
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Cheers Grandy - I think it is about £50 per week & they said it's not meens tested - not that dad has got much anyway but to be honest
I still don't think he will allow a carer to help him anything at all.
I know I need to bring the subject up with him (not for the first time either) but I wonder if I need to let things settle for a while.
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Last year we did get some carers for Mum. Only a couple of hours a week. From day one she did not like them and could not understand why they were coming in. (She has dementia). Well to cut a long story short we eventually had to stop them because they were causing us so much agro from Mum. Constant phone calls complaining about them etc. So perhaps if your Dad is dead set against them then it might not work. Don't know if that is helpful to you. Eventually we got mum a place in a day care centre which she loves as she likes to have company.
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Ah thanks Grandy - yes it was helpful to know.
My Mum had dementia too, luckily dad has shown no signs of it whatsoever - (I have though) :D :D
I do think that eventually one day dad might realise that it would be better to have a carer in to help him with some chores rather than end up in a hospital or home. He really is sticking it out for as long as possible. He is so independant & will not let anyone help him with anything. He reckons the day he accepts any help will be the long road to...
xx
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Catkins look into the attendance allowance. You could claim it for you and your brother being the part carers that your dad needs.
It's assessed on his care needs and as they change (usually requiring more) the allowance goes up. Easy to do once the initial paperwork has been done.
Also if he has a emergency alarm this too can be funded from the attendance allowance.
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I got Attendance Allowance for my Mum recently, following her coming back to her flat after her stroke. It's a long detailed form, but quite straightforward really. She gets about £50 a weekwhich helps a lot. She needs a hairdresser to go in, as she can't wash her own hair, and a cleaner for her flat, amongst other things. So this pays for that. Everyone's needs are different, and it enables her to stay in her own home. You can apply for it on someone elses behalf. It was easy for me though, as I am her P.O.A.
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That's interesting, Margarett. I looked at the form online and started planning how to fill it out but then noticed a bit at the end about it being unlikely to be approved if the care hadn't been needed for at least 6 months. ??? :-\
Bette x
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Yes that is true. She had her stroke at the end of November though. But if you are near to the 6 months, I would fill it in anyway. They will then start paying it after the 6 months are up, if it's approved.
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Thanks. The way things are going, I don't think that she'll be eligible for it but then, that's a good thing!
Bette x
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Does it have to be official care.
If anyone needs help with cooking cleaning and shopping then that could well be counted as requiring care.
Just a thought.
Honeyb
x
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Care needs to be considered from a safety point of view for the carer too. It's OK having CRB checks etc. but one needs to build up a working relationship with the person being cared for. Maybe someone going in on a regular basis for a chat initially then they can offer to help - we have to remember that professionals will take the 'word' of the client and not the family so if Dad decides he doesn't want his socks on, they will abide by his choice.
I wonder who'll be here to care for me when the time arrives .............. tall dark and handsome will do ;-)
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Attendance Allowance is paid, primarily for those who can't do everything for themselves. It is not specific what those needs are. The conditions that it is paid for eg partial paralysis after a stroke, are specific. The DSS has a list of those, and you have to give permission for medical records to be accessed if they are not sure. That didn't happen in my Mum's case. But I expect it would have if we'd asked for the hgigher rate to be paid, for instance if she was needing constant care/ supervision through the night( she doesn't need this.)
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Is attendance allowance not aged related? or is that another allowance I"m thinking of?
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I think Attendance Allowance is available at any age, if the person has certain needs. It's not means tested either.
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It seems that you have to be over 65 http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Disabledpeople/DG_10012438
Taz x
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Well, we've taken the plunge and cancelled the care package for now. I talked it all through with Mum and she's coping well and really likes the idea of being "left alone a bit" for now, which I can understand. She's promised to tell me if she starts to struggle with anything and I believe her. The hairdresser comes once a week, as does the cleaner (both of whom Mum has known for years) and the chiropodist every few weeks. The district nurse is still coming to check the dressing on her back and the "blood" nurse calls to take the blood test check her Warfarin levels. I fill her tablet dispenser once a fortnight and order prescriptions which are then delivered by the local chemist. I'm still doing her shopping (and providing frozen meals for her to heat up) but she's looking forward to walking over to the Co-op soon; I'm planning to take her over there next week to see how she copes.
The short-term memory thing is a nuisance but not more than that really. Feel free to remind me that I said that when it's driving me up the wall! ::) ;D
Bette x
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I am so pleased that your mum has improved so much....as I have said before she sounds a lovely lady.
It will be good to give her her independence. I think its very unusual to be able to cut back on care at this age which makes it all the more remarkable.
I know before long we will have to increase my mothers care. I have just talked her through turning on the oven. She has had the cooker for about ten years :-\ Her memory and her mobility are getting worse by the day.
Honeyb
x
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Well done Bette. Glad to hear that your Mum is improving.
It's a worry when our wrinklies can't remember how to do the 'simplest' things and electricity and/or smoking can cause problems without them meaning to do so :-\
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Bette I think your mum can still have Attendace Allowance due to having a cleaner, you cooking and freezing meals and the other little things she needs.
Really good news that she's improved and you sound much more relaxed. Just goes to show what a short break away can do ;)
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Taz, you are right . Attendance Allowance is now for people over 65. It changed fairly recently, and other allowances are now available for people under 65 who need care, supervision and help.
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You don't have to use professional carers when you receive attendance allowance. Once you qualify for it you do not have to specify where the money is going. Can even be used for things like taxis etc where mobility is a problem.
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I applied for attendace allowance (lower rate)for my hubby (74) when he came out of hospital. The form was quite easy and I had to give permission for GP report if necessary. I don't think they requested one as the decision was very quick.
I subsequently applied for Carers Allowance which I believe can only be granted if the person being cared for has Attendance Allowance.
It was surprising to me that nobody suggested claiming (CPN, etc), I had to find out for myself which I did throught the government website. Also downloaded form from there.
Bette - I am pleased your Mum is doing so well, it must be a relief for you after being so worried about her. I would apply as it will help with everything she needs. Every little helps, according to Tesco!
PN x x
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Bette, You must be so pleased with your mums progress, it all sounds so positive.
I am confused about these allowances, My mum gets dla at middle rate, and i get carers allowance.
I thought mobility stops at 65, carers is paid to a carer (me), or attendance allowance is paid to the person needing care and already receiving DLA at middle rate or above if there is not a designated carer and can be used to pay for anything.
As for services for the elderly through social service, the care part is provided free of charge including heating meals, washing, dressing, prompting medicine. Not included is shopping, washing clothes, cooking and cleaning.??
:-\
Eddie. x
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As for services for the elderly through social service, the care part is provided free of charge including heating meals, washing, dressing, prompting medicine. I think that's only the case in Scotland, Eddie.
I'll see how things go but if she doesn't need any more help for now, I probably won't bother to apply for the allowance; we can always do that later if she ends up paying out for more care.
Bette x
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:-X :)
Eddie. x
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;D
Bette x
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::)
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:poke2: :lol:
Eddie. x
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:wub:
Honeyb
x
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Just back from meeting social worker (care manager), everything went well, she has increased mum med prompt to four times daily, after doing carers assesment it was her suggestion due to stresses i have here. She also realises the times weren't so good, as she has Tramadol and that can only be given with the correct time passing between doses.
Bette, i also checked with her about the services down south, well of course you were right about it, but not only that every council has different charging policies! Where's the point in that. So not only is my knowledge no use to any south of the border but pretty much no use to anyone.
So feel free to give me a :kick:
Eddie. x
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Not you that needs the kick Eddie - but the councils who keep changing things. Pleased your visit was ok. PN x x
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I don't know if this is of any use to any of you lovely ladies, but my Mum has her meds delivered by the pharmacy already sorted into morning, lunchtime, teatime and night doses for each day (all labelled for day and time) - I think it's called a 'dosset box'. All she did was ask the chemist for her meds to be dispensed that way and it magically happended at no cost - they are great and mean no confusion and I don't have to worry about sorting them all out for her.
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Yep, this is a great idea, we have it too, our is still kept in a safe, my mum likes to examine them and takes them all out of the pack and sorts them into bundles. Very annoying.
Eddie. x
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The timed tablet dispenser that Mum was given is brilliant. It can be programmed to go off up to 4 times a day but hers is set for 9am and 6pm. A light flashes, a buzzer sounds and her tablets appear as if by magic! I fill it up once a fortnight. It's a pretty new thing, I think; none of the carers or the gp had seen one before.
Bette x
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That sounds a great idea Bette!
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It really is. Mum likes it too - gives her confidence, I think. She sits waiting for it to go off which is impressive in itself as it means that she remembers what time it's due! It's the days she has problems with but she's coping better with that because of the clock they gave her which also shows the day.
Bette x
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The clock with the day is also a great idea, we gave my mum a photo frame and memory stick last year at christmas, when the pics aren't showing it displays a large analogue clock with day and date.
All these things help.
Eddie. x
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Apparently the Nurse attending my Mum's live in man friend has told her that 'it's only a matter of time'. He is very ill. We are aware that he has an un-diagnosed cancer which is draining his Life Blood but that expression makes me SO ANGRY :cuss:. It could apply to any one of us ........... so I didn't give Mum the support she ought to have had from me because I was reacationary and opened Big Gob without thinking :-\
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This is dreadful - are they making any attempt to diagnose the cancer? I am not sure what you mean about draining his life blood.
Taz x
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CLKD - its not too late to support your Mum and her man friend.
Would it help to get a diagnosis of the cancer?
Think I know what you mean about life blood being drained. Getting totally wiped out, doesn't want to / can't do anything. When the person concerned has not been like that before.
You can give support now
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He has had 5 scans and 2 MRIs so far. Symptomatically he has a disease but it hasn't been found ......... often cancers don't show up until post mortem. They live 2 hours drive away so can't do much ........... maybe 'draining of Life's blood' is a Jewish saying :-\ ........... he was getting older and more frail but now is determined but his body won't follow.
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CLKD, can you order something they like to eat, special treat or nice cards or offer a half day of help so your mum could get away? Don't know how ill so hope these suggestions not inappropriate.
You are too thoughtful so I know you have not blown a chance to help in your own way.
Sorry
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Mum has a fridge and freezer stocked with food stuffs and her friend is nil by mouth at present, as the pain relief upset his gut. Pain relief is by patches only until tomorrow. She will ring at 9.15 a.m. as usual - her parting words were "I don't want to ring until Monday unless anything drastic happens" but I know she'll be on the 'phone to local 'friends' for hours about it all. Another sign of control >:(. Hey ho, what I don't know ...........
I need to clear our house in case she wants to stay after this is all over. So busy sorting C.mas/birthday gifts which are stored in the spare room, searching for wrapping paper and cards .......... they can go into the loft until required, out of sight out of mind. In case ..........
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CLKD - would it help to contact any of her friends? They may have some ideas about what she wants, and what might help.
Also, look after yourself, don't get exhausted clearing your house. Though, I imagine your house is far tidier than mine.
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Tidy - moi ;D - we go to auctions, sales, are selling 'stuff' .........
Her friends are in touch daily and too far away for me to 'interfere'. Whilst she wishes to remain independant ..... she will be adrift once he has died and the funeral is over ::)
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Your mum will need you after it's all over if not just now and you'll be there for her then - not a lot you can do at the moment. You take care, could be a busy time ahead.
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Yep Flushtered - think that's how the next few weeks will be ::)
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Sorry to read this CLKD.
Can your sister help if she is closer to them than you are?
Take care.
Honeyb
x
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My sister is MILES away ........... patient is still nil by mouth >:( .......... GP and Nurse going in 1/2 a day.
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Has your mum got the hospice nurses going in yet or is it too soon. They are angels and can help with so many things.
If he is still not allowed to eat how is he getting any nourishment. That will be needed to stop him going down hill even faster.
Honeyb
x
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Did you know he was ill CLKD or did your mum want to shield you from it? I agree with honeyb that the sooner you get the hospice involved the better. Nil by mouth seems very harsh if he is being nursed at home. It seems such a shame that he seems to have been given up on re diagnosis.
Taz x
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He's been 'ill' for years but well in himself. This is something different and sometimes diagnosis can only be made after death. No hospice care in the area but the GP/Nurse seem to be doing their best.
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I have sent you a note.
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Got it :thankyou:
Mum's friend had relatives visit on Sunday which helped them through the day. GP and Nurse went in twice ysterday. They have another set of visitors booked for tomorrow ::) ........... he is lucid and even shares dry humour at times. It's the worry about constant pain which gets him down the most. I know how that feels :-\
He wasn't keen on having a hospital bed downstairs and it would mean a mountain of moving furniture for Mum but at least it has been offered. As quickly as being delivered today :o - I suggested they get it in so that they can use it if necessary .......... :-X
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How about Macmillan or Marie Curie nurses then CLKD.
How do they know it is terminal if they cant say what it is......bit confusing really.
I hope you are feeling better CLKD....anything like that in a family is very stressful.
Honeyb
x
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HB et al, It is very easy to know when someone is terminal, not the exact time of course. Rapid weight loss is the most astoundingly obvious sign. Reduced appetite and thirst another definite sign. There is a distinct pattern. Just like Don's brain tumor, we didn't know exactly what ended his life as the brain controls everything, but the other signs were indicators of almost how many days were left. Irregular breathing it probably always the latest sign, but it can go on for days. The weight loss is horrific and it doesn't matter how much one eats, called cachexia, controlled by a brain hormone called leptin.
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Thanks Trey. He has accepted the end is nigh but fears being in pain which is uncontrolled.
MacMillan have been in and the District Matron calls daily. I can't do any more from where I'm sitting, would be in the way right now ::)
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Thanks for the explanation Trey...... much clearer now.
Can the MacMillan nurses not take over the pain relief CLKD. I know when a relative of mine was terminally ill with Mesothelioma it was down to the nurses and their 24/7 care that kept him comfortable and at home.
Sorry you are not able to be with your mum at this time.
Honeyb
x
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I'm not sorry a bit, she sent us away on Friday morning .......... we would soon have been under each other's feet! ::) long story short :-X
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My MIL had terminal bone cancer, she was in a massive amount of pain.
The Macmillan nurses were brilliant, they got the pain relief sorted out quickly.
They were very good with the family as well If you were able to contact them they may be able to give you more information about what's going on
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I don't think they would pass on private information even if I knew where to ask. We live 2 hours drive away and Mum is in total control. Not my farm ............ I don't even know whether I will be involved with any funeral arrangements as the man friend has a large family of his own ::)
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I would like to thank the ladies who replied to my posts regarding my mother which just happened in a "conversation" on the What did you do today" topic.
CLKD very kindly offered to move the two or three posts to this thread as she perhaps felt it would be more appropriate ......which I declined as it would be very disjointed.
I would just like to say I did appreciate the input I had and it has given me a lot to think about.
Honeyb
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Honeyb, I've sent you pm.
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Thanks flushtered
It was very much appreciated.
Honeyb
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:hug:
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Well the man friend died so Mum is already saying she feels more lost than when Dad died ::) ....... different time, different relationship. At least his brother is there sorting out and she seems to have lots of support from the NHS this time, maybe she refused it when Dad was ill but didn't tell us :-\ ??? .......... Hospital bed, carers/Nurses/GP in and out several times each day in the alst 2 weeks ............ onwards and upwards!
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Sorry to hear this CLKD. Guess you are off to a funeral. Your mum must be feeling very alone.....not nice at any age or whether its a first or second marriage.
Condolences to you both
Honeyb
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Condolences from me too.
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CLKD sorry to hear about your mum's man friend, hope she is ok. Will you go to see her now, or wait for a bit?
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Wait a bit. We have a holiday booked and she has told us to go as there can't be a service for 2-3 weeks - crem is fully booked ::). His brother is there helping make any arrangements and she has a good circle of friends plus the Church which I expect she will go back to. They weren't married but argued ::) .... both fiesty and I think the arguments 'kept them going' :P. We wonder how long before she picks up the next waif and stray from the gutter ;) - she needs to be 'doing'.
Once we are back from our holiday we have several professional appts including hospital and dental which we can't alter so it's handy that the crem is fully booked ............
It would seem that carers went in several times a day, he had a hospital bed in her main room upstairs ::), morphine was on a drip as necessary and the GP and Nurse came in twice daily. Fortunately she didn't have to lift too much and his brother was there at the end. I expect she will be lost and adrift for a while ::)
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I hope nobody minds me posting this but I think it's relevant to the topic
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2217747/A-lonely-death-care-pathway-MPs-demand-action-patient-chosen-die-doctors-telling-family.html
I read this and felt a bit peculiar because I think this may have been how my Dad died a few year ago. The nurse who admitted him took me into her office and was clearly in a hurry so rushed through all his admission details etc. I remember agreeing to him not being resuscitated (he was very ill and 85) and other than that she just quickly told me when I could visit. She used some terms which involved initials but didn't explain what they meant.
Dad was kept very clean and comfortable but I was never told that he only had a few days to live. I remember taking him in a very light and tasty yoghourt and 2 nurses were in the room and I asked whether they could give it to him as he liked them and as I turned away I saw them both give each other a funny look but didn't know what this meant. I actually think now they had probably decided to stop all food and drink and not told me because looking back I never saw any evidence of anything like that. Dad died alone and I would have stayed with him if I'd been told his death was imminent.
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That is so sad, PF, sending you a hug. :hug:
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CLKD I think your mum will be fine, well, as well as can be expected, till the funeral is over. Then, she will want company / something to do. Hope everything goes ok, enjoy your holiday.
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One reason I wanted Don at home is that I wanted total control and I knew his wishes and needs better than anyone. But not sure if I weren't a reg. nurse if I could have done it. I think it is deceitful for the family not to be an integral part of the care team, in hospital or not. I can sure understand how you must feel about this, PF.
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This thread may become important for me after burying Mum's live-in Man-friend last week. I think she already has 2 more waifs and strays under her wing >:( .......... and is still showing great 'attitude' to the late Man-friend's relatives but as she has narcissitic tendancies .......... I await her regular 9.15 a.m. Monday phone call with trepidation ........
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Is she going to come and stay with you?
Who are the waifs and strays?
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Young waifs and strays CLKD....or what.
Elderly relatives can be very challenging to say the least.
Some mature into the sweet little old lady/man that we all would wish to have.
Others are just.....well enough said.
Honeyb
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F-i-l is a source of worry at the moment. OH went round this morning (I was working today) to find him and m-i-l barely speaking which OH finds very difficult as he hates friction (we never argue, so just aren't used to it.) F-i-l is very frail (end-stage COPD so on oxygen most of the time) and is very frustrated by not being able to move round much. When he was in respite care, he spent a lot of time in his wheelchair so was able to move around the room a bit. On returning home, he decided that he wanted to have his wheelchair in place of his armchair and insisted in m-i-l and him trying to move it rather than wait for help (as she wanted to.) The inevitable happened, he fell and she had to get a neighbour in to help lift him. She's furious with him and he can't see why. OH spent the morning trying to make the peace. :(
In contrast, Mum is being wonderful. I'd cut my visits down to 2 a week and on Thurs, she said to make it once a week and that I didn't need to go round till next Fri (although we'll speak on the phone every day.) I made sure that she was well stocked up, changed her bed, took her washing etc. Suddenly realised today that I'm working every day now until Sunday (including Friday) and that seeing her would be possible but a rush and I realise that my IBS flare-up is telling me to slow down. So, I took a deep breath and told her this on the phone (about the work, I mean, not the IBS.) No problem, she says. She'll ask a friend to get her some milk and anything else she needs but is sure she'll be fine until a week tomorrow. The warden checks on her every day, she goes over to the complex hall 3 times a week to socialise and has someone in (hairdresser, cleaner etc.) on the other days so I know that she'll be fine but I am grateful to her for thinking of me too. :-* She has been a bit moody the last couple of times I've visited but conscious of that and apologetic and she never stops thanking me for everything I do. I think that telling her this has made her feel that she can do something for me too and makes her feel a little more independent. She just needs to know that I'm there if she needs me but will enjoy feeling that she's managing to do a few things without me.
Bette x
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Bette....you are so lucky to have one of the sweet old ladies that others wish they could have.
And your mum is lucky to have you.
It makes me so sad for myself and the way I feel. The abuse I got last week because I missed a day because I had a cold :-\
During the night last night I had terrible tummy pains and ended up on the loo(sorry if TMI ) I felt really sick but it passed. The only thing I could think of at 3am was the fall out if I did not go to mums in the morning and that is just not right. OH does not even know I was unwell....I snuck about and went to the furthest away loo so he would not hear me. He would be so angry if he knew that was my main concern.
Funny old world really.
Treasure your mum....she is one in a million and I truly envy you.
Honeyb
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Mum has to have someone to 'care' for so that she 'doesn't bother her daughters' >:( .......... so 13 months after Dad died she got involved: long story short: with a single divorced/bereaved man. They went out and about together but she would never leave him to come out and about with us; although we did go out for meals when we visited her/them: and in recent weeks became his full carer though thank goodness not for long and she had lots of support from the NHS.
In the meantime - since we went in Sept., a young couple have been in and out of her house 'looking after things'. They did a lot at her late friends house in the last few months ............ but I can see that, when C.mas arrives, it will be the 'young couple' who need C.mas dinner cooked for them: I may be wrong and she may accept our offer of C.mas here ::) ............
Watch this space, you won't need the UK Soaps ;)
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I know that I'm lucky, Honeyb but I also know that it wouldn't be right to make myself ill - wouldn't be fair on OH or myself. I do worry about you; please try to find a way to look after yourself as well as your Mum. :hug:
Bette x
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I don't think that parents realise that we are getting older ourselves ::) although when Mum does have something happen, even if it's a light bulb pop, she rings and says 'don't get old' .......... it seems to take that much more energy to face difficulties and now she's got the house to herself again ..........
I will have to word my next letter carefully and not put any of us under any pressure ::)
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So glad I found this thread. My mother had brain haemorrage nearly 4 months ago - its been a nightmare - she has been in hospital ever since and has been confused aggressive agitated etc etc. But 1- days ago she had an op to remove some fluid and is MUCH better. She is now in a rehab unit but if she carries on like this she will be ready for discharge. But what do we do - she lives alone although her terraced house could be adapted so its all on one level - im not sure tho if she is well enough to stay alone overnight and from what i can gather there is no help available over night??
Should I bring her to live with us - problems - my husband is ok with it but dont think he has thought it through - we have one toilet - i have a bag ( ileostomy) plus arthritis so would struggle as her main carer - i need big op in next few months.
I dont know what to do - i have a sister but she is much younger with 2 toddlers. My mother has sisters who would pop in if she lived in her house but probably not if she lived with me as my house is more remote. In fact she would see no one living here as its very quiet. It is such a problem - i have read your posts and nice to know i am not alone. I have just finished work because of my health so i feel guilty not taking complete responsibility for her. But me and my OH have been married 32 years - we are set in our ways so im not sure how it would work having her in our small bungalow.
Oh dear - nothing is ever easy is it. Plus on top of all this i have some post meno bleeding to worry about - beam me up :(
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Sorry that you are having to deal with all of this Groundhog. When my mum and dad were treated in hospital during their illnesses we were always assigned some sort of hospital social worker - can't remember what their technical name was - who discussed things with me first as the main relative. There was a whole team put together to assess them and work out what they could and couldn't cope with. I think you should defiinitely have a word with the hospital or rehab centre or, failing that, her GP because this needs to be put in place before she is discharged. You might find that this link helpful - it is overly wordy in my opinion but scrolling through it you might begin to get a clearer idea of your options. My mum and dad had visits by carers for two weeks after discharge from hospital - I think that all elderly people are entitled to this but perhaps the link will make this clearer http://www.ageuk.org.uk/documents/en-gb/factsheets/fs37_hospital_discharge_arrangements_fcs.pdf'dtrk=true
Taz x
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:hug: Groundhog.
Taz is right, you should find that there's care put in place before she's discharged from hospital. In Mum's case, she was under the care of the "Interim Care Team" and the physio at the hospital arranged for that before she went home. Within an hour of taking her home (she lives in a sheltered accommodation bungalow) we were visited by the lady in charge of her care. She was assessed and the lady ordered things she would need from the British Red Cross (toilet aid, walkers etc) and set up a schedule of 4 carers a day, starting that evening. I stayed over the first night as Mum was obviously nervous about being alone but the carers still came and did everything for her. The original plan was for this to last for 4 weeks, with them gradually withdrawing care as she improved; it included physio and nurse visits. As it happens, her progress was slower than expected (the dreaded urine infections and confusion ::) ) so they supported her for longer. They tried to pass her care over to social services (by then she needed only care visits, not physio etc) but as they were snowed under, the Interim Care Team kept her on which I thought was great. Eventually, we decided that she could manage alone (with my help with shopping, washing, meals etc) and she's doing well.
It may well be different for you as your Mum's needs will be different and things can vary from place to place but I hope this might encourage you to ask for all that's available. I was pleasantly surprised at the support out there. It's still exhausting arranging it all and liaising between the various agencies (although they were all great, as was her gp) and the emotional toll is not to be under-estimated. I know that personally I couldn't have coped with having Mum live with us (although OH offered) and that's with her health being relatively strong and mine being good. At one point, I wasn't sure if she'd be able to stay in her bungalow (when her confusion was bad) and found that there was a Extra Care facility close by which looked great; there are options out there other than you having to have her to live with you.
Bette x
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Sorry to hear your news groundhog. You are having a difficult time and have some hard decisions.
I have no experience of what aftercare is available but I see the other ladies are helping with this. Many years ago my MIL needed care and I wanted to have her with us. Hubby said no as he was worried that as time went by, her health was only going to get worse and at the time we had 2 young children. We would then have to make such a more difficult decision having cared at home for her. We searched for the best home we could find and she spent many comfortable years there. Her care needs did increase and we could not have coped.
From what you have said and hopefully the care that may be available, I think to stay in her own home would be best. Then her sisters can visit and she won't feel isolated. I also agree with Taz - ask for all the help you can
You are asking too much of yourself to have her home with you. You have your own care needs and you have given up work for you to take things easier, not take on more. How would you manage after your operation? OH would have a lot to cope with. We do get set in our ways and this would be a huge change for all of you. Have you been able to discuss with your Mum or is she still too poorly?
I know it is easy to say but please try not to feel guilty, it won't help you in making your decision. Have you chatted to your Aunts about it? You do need support in this
Thinking of you. Purplenanny x x
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Hi groundhog
I don't think you could have her living with you due to your upcoming op, health issues and if her health worsens. Re- overnight help, I think there are some agencies that have carers that do sleepovers - but don't know about the costing or if she'd be able to claim benefits to help with cost. Or would she accept going into a care home? That may seem an expensive option at first thought, but then she would not be paying rent, council tax, food shopping, bills etc so it might work out fairly evenly. As everyone has said about the hospital though, they should arrange something even if only temporary to begin with. Hope it all works out.
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Ask for a social worker to be appointed. Speak to her GP before she comes out of Hospital to find out what is available, i.e. District Nurse care. Do a 'goggle' for social care, care in the home, lookin the adverts pages of magazines such as "The Lady" etc.. Don't take on too much too soon! Our elderlies need to be able to maintain their independance for as long as is possible and finidng life difficult at home might mean that they decide on a care home themselves rather than feeling that they are 'bullied' into it.
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The attendance allowance should help with the cost of a carer. Does she get this? If she needs over night care then apply for the highest amount. That also helps with cost if she were to go into residential care for a time. Maybe if she needs a further assessment of needs.
Speak to social services and ask for a assessment of need. I'm sure there is another way of helping your mum and having peace of mind without her coming to live with you.
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I was in AgeUK Charity shop today and there are loads of helpful leaflets. Do you have an AgeUK close by, if not send me a PM and I'll talk to you ............
Don't have her home initially ! Let the NHS etc. do the 'work' they have been paid to do ;). I was surprised at homemuch help Mum got for her man friend in the last few months, even though they are both high 'earners'.
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F-i=l is going downhill pretty fast. He has chronic COPD and various other problems. M-i-l had a fall a couple of weeks ago but that proved to be almost a blessing in disguise as she only bruised herself but as she spent a couple of nights in hospital being checked over, social services arranged for 4 carers a day and we've managed to persuade them to keep up with that (p-i-l I mean, not SS!) He's now had a catheter fitted which is making life simpler and a hospital bed is being delivered tomorrow. They're getting plenty of support from gp, nurses, carers etc. but obviously it's very tough on m-i-l. I'm trying to persuade her to let me do the laundry but she finds it hard to give up her independence; we're working on her though!
I've started providing them with a few meals - casseroles, cottage pies etc. - and planned to increase them after they tried "Meals At Home" for a couple of days and didn't like them - "nowhere near as nice as yours." However, when I spoke to her today she said that he's having problems coping with solid food now. The gp has prescribed Fortisip drinks starting tomorrow but m-i-l is talking about tinned soup etc. OH is going over tomorrow so I'm sending some of the soup I freeze for Mum. I've also suggested trying liquidised food which she hadn't thought of.
Has anyone got any other ideas/recipes?
Bette x
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I gather your Fortisip is equivalent to our Ensure? Ensure is quite good and satisfying. UK has so, so much better care for elderly. Applesauce and yogurt were favorites of Don's when he could no longer tolerate solids. And frozen yogurt, ice cream.
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F-i=l is going downhill pretty fast. He has chronic COPD and various other problems. M-i-l had a fall a couple of weeks ago but that proved to be almost a blessing in disguise as she only bruised herself but as she spent a couple of nights in hospital being checked over, social services arranged for 4 carers a day and we've managed to persuade them to keep up with that (p-i-l I mean, not SS!) He's now had a catheter fitted which is making life simpler and a hospital bed is being delivered tomorrow. They're getting plenty of support from gp, nurses, carers etc. but obviously it's very tough on m-i-l. I'm trying to persuade her to let me do the laundry but she finds it hard to give up her independence; we're working on her though!
I've started providing them with a few meals - casseroles, cottage pies etc. - and planned to increase them after they tried "Meals At Home" for a couple of days and didn't like them - "nowhere near as nice as yours." However, when I spoke to her today she said that he's having problems coping with solid food now. The gp has prescribed Fortisip drinks starting tomorrow but m-i-l is talking about tinned soup etc. OH is going over tomorrow so I'm sending some of the soup I freeze for Mum. I've also suggested trying liquidised food which she hadn't thought of.
Has anyone got any other ideas/recipes?Bette x
Bette - my Dad had cancer of the oesophogus and I used to do him loads of soups and liquidised food. I also used to do him things like milk jellies, blancmanges etc which slipped down easily. I used to use Jersey cream in lots of things as it is high in calories to try and keep some weight on him. He always loved his food and although he got Fortisip on prescription Mum and I used to do a lot ourselves because they had much more taste.
I am almost certain your local library will have books in to help you but also Amazon have several specifically for people with probs swallowing and they deliver very quickly.
"Down Easy" is one and "Soft foods for easier eating cookbook" is another. Both are for people with probs chewing and swallowing. Hope this helps.
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My dad died from oesophogeal cancer too, and when he could no longer deal with solid food he enjoyed ready-mode custard pots (Ambrosia, to be precise) and for 'proper' meals he liked the 'soft' diet' selection from Wiltshire Farm Foods (frozen ready meals - my parents both enjoyed them, and Mum still gets them now she's on her own).
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Thanks very much - that's really helpful. M-i-l isn't really a cook and they're not used to what they call "fancy" food so the Wiltshire Farm Foods may well be the way to go; I've just ordered their "Soft Foods" brochure for f-i-l and the main one for m-i-l. I'm planning to make things like egg custards and soup but tbh, they'd probably prefer to order things for themselves. It's a case of trying to find ways to help without interfering too much.
Bette x
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How are things with your Mum, Scampi?
Mum and I can't wait for Xmas to be over; it's such a difficult time for us both and the low mood she's in is making her confusion and memory problems worse. We're hoping that things will improve once she brightens up.
Bette x
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I've been down this road too Bette with my mum. Besides the suggestions you've had we also did:-
Instant coffee made with milk.
Chocolate buttons because they melt in the mouth.
Used to add cream to soup.
Ice cream that had the highest calorie content. ( we studied them in the supermarket)
She decided she wanted simple foods near the end and one of the things she had was tinned spaghetti with bread crumbs and grated cheese.
LM x
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Well, we visited them this morning and thankfully things aren't as bad as m-i-l led me to think; I think she must have been having a low moment, which is fine as she's got a lot to contend with. Apparently, he managed my cottage pie ok and they were planning to have egg and bacon for lunch! They're interested in the brochures, though, so I'll take those over when they arrive.
Bette x
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Mum had her first delivery of Wiltshire Farm Foods on Monday - now she knows what sizes the packs arrive in she can plan her diet from their brochure.
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How is your mum doing Bette?
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How's everyone doing with the 'oldies'. I'm off to visit a couple of neighbours today. Make sure they all have everything they need in case the promised snow comes.
Bette. Hope all is ok with your in-laws and your mum.
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Mine is back to ringing on a Monday morning and never any other time ::)
She is getting back to Church and Clubs to keep her occupied and plans to take up sewing again
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Mine is back to ringing on a Monday morning and never any other time ::)
She is getting back to Church and Clubs to keep her occupied and plans to take up sewing again
Good she's getting back into a routine. Gives you peace of mind.
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Mine is back to ringing on a Monday morning and never any other time ::)
She is getting back to Church and Clubs to keep her occupied and plans to take up sewing again
Want to swap CLKD? I ring my Mum every day at some point. I tell her I like to catch her out so I ring her at different times ;D She tells me what she has eaten at every meal, how she prepared the vegetables, how long she cooked them, which saucepan she used, what it tasted like. If it's a day she goes to Luncheon Club I hear what she ate, who she sat with, who has died and how long she slept when she got home. Bless her heart, I love her really but there are only so many times you need to be told how to boil an egg. ;D
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Does she ring you if you don't ring her Penny?
Taz x
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On the days that I am not at mums I call at 9am then again at 1pm again at 4:30pm and again at 7pm.
I run out of things to talk to her about and as I cook her meals we cant even talk about that ::).
She has been known to call me in-between times. My sister is there on the days I am not but she has one day alone so sis and I call the same amount of times each.
Its wearing but I do understand that she wants to talk to someone so we call and find something to chat about.
Honeyb
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Mum talks over me these days but at least I know she's fiesty again ::)
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Mine just talks. She is very deaf and although she has hearing aids they don't work very well on the phone.
I just let her go on and add bits in the gaps ;D
Honeyb
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Does she ring you if you don't ring her Penny?
Taz x
She used to but we seemed to have slipped into this pattern. I ring her around 5 if I've got to go out in the evening. I never ring her later than 9 pm because she goes to bed early. So it's somewhere in between.
Another pattern that's slipped in ..... we start talking and then the phone goes dead. She must move her head and knock the button. I think she's talking to herself for a while because I ring back and it's engaged. ;D Then I think I'll wait for her to ring me and she doesn't, so I ring her again. It happened twice in one call the other night. ::)
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I must just share this phone conversation from Thurs night.
It still makes me laugh thinking about it. ;D
I'm ringing her and phone rings for ages. A weary voice finally says "hello".
Me "Are you OK Mum?"
Mum "Yes, I was just asleep there."
Me "Oh sorry. I thought if I rang now you'd be up from your afternoon sleep."
Mum "Oh I am. I got up about 4pm and started knitting and must have fallen asleep again."
Me "well I'm ringing early because I'm off to knitting group tonight."
Mum "Well you'd better hurry up, you're going to be late."
Me "What?"
Mum "It's 10 to 8"
Me "It's not, it's 10 to 5."
Mum "Oh right that's because my head is on the side."
;D ;D
I have another funny phone call to share but will save that for another time.
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Has anyone read "lost for words" by Deric Longden? It was a tv play too but I think the book has more in it. There are some funny conversations in the book between him and his mother. I'm reading it at the moment ..
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No - I've got most of his other books. He writes as he talks and is very humerous
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Has anyone read "lost for words" by Deric Longden? It was a tv play too but I think the book has more in it. There are some funny conversations in the book between him and his mother. I'm reading it at the moment ..
I remember the play on TV - didn't Thora Hird play his mother? Going back a lot of years but now you've mentioned it, I think mine and Mum's conversations are heading that way. ;D
I rang her tonight and we talked for about 10 minutes and I'd said goodbye several times and each time she'd remembered something else. Then she must have moved her head and switched the phone off ..... I didn't ring her back either. ;) I will pull her leg about that tomorrow.
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I remember the play on TV - didn't Thora Hird play his mother? Going back a lot of years but now you've mentioned it, I think mine and Mum's conversations are heading that way. ;D
Yes Thora Hird was the mother. It was your post that made me think of the book PF ;D
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Hi All - I contributed to the early part of this thread but have been out of touch for some time. Just an update on my Mum who has vascular dementia and mobility and sight problems. She is going into a residential home on Monday for a trial period to see how she likes it. It has been a really difficult time over Christmas and New Year and this week has been particularily bad. Not looking forward to taking her to the home on Monday. She blows hot and cold - one minute wanting to go in and the next saying she has nade a mistake so I don't know what her mood will be like on Monday. Wish me luck!!!
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Best wishes to you and your mum for Monday grandy. If she likes the company of other people and will enjoy activities, she'll be fine.
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Good luck Grandy. I'm sure it will take several days for her to give an opinion, especially with her mobility and sight probs. Fingers crossed hey?
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Mum passed on a hint yesterday: those using duvets or sleeping bags over their knees when sitting should warm the extra layer first: over a radiator, on the airing tank or with a hot water bottle. This way the heat from the person isn't spent up warming the extra layer.
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Well a quick update. Took Mum to the home on Monday. The room was lovely, Mum was very positive and all was well. My sister and I stayed for some time with her then went home congratulating one another on how well it had all gone. At 7pm the phone rang - it was the home saying Mum was distressed. She came on the phone sobbing, saying she couldn't stay and wanted to go home. Hubbt and I rushed down. Luckily it is only two minutes away. We spent a lot of time settling her. She seemed to be having a panic attack. She eventually agreed to stay overnight and give it a chance.
This afternoon I went to visit and spoke to the person in charge. She said Mum was miserable and felt that there was no-one at her level who she could speak to. I did notice when I went in that most of them were either sleeping or staring into space. I asked her opinion and she said she agreed with Mum. So I took Mum up to her room, comforted her, went home for a suitcase, returned with it to pack and took Mum home to my house. I have to say the staff were lovely. Absolutely the kind of people who you would want to have looking after your elderly Mum. I just think the circumstances were wrong. Cuddles all round when she left. So Mum is now back home. We plan to take her to her GP to address her problems which we now think are panic attacks and depression and hopefully she will be happier to stay on her own for a while longer. Feeling very stressed tonight!
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Oh gosh grandy, what a traumatic time for you all. I hope the GP is able to help. PN x x
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Well a quick update. Took Mum to the home on Monday. The room was lovely, Mum was very positive and all was well. My sister and I stayed for some time with her then went home congratulating one another on how well it had all gone. At 7pm the phone rang - it was the home saying Mum was distressed. She came on the phone sobbing, saying she couldn't stay and wanted to go home. Hubbt and I rushed down. Luckily it is only two minutes away. We spent a lot of time settling her. She seemed to be having a panic attack. She eventually agreed to stay overnight and give it a chance.
This afternoon I went to visit and spoke to the person in charge. She said Mum was miserable and felt that there was no-one at her level who she could speak to. I did notice when I went in that most of them were either sleeping or staring into space. I asked her opinion and she said she agreed with Mum. So I took Mum up to her room, comforted her, went home for a suitcase, returned with it to pack and took Mum home to my house. I have to say the staff were lovely. Absolutely the kind of people who you would want to have looking after your elderly Mum. I just think the circumstances were wrong. Cuddles all round when she left. So Mum is now back home. We plan to take her to her GP to address her problems which we now think are panic attacks and depression and hopefully she will be happier to stay on her own for a while longer. Feeling very stressed tonight!
Oh Grandy - that is such a shame. I am wondering whether there are any befriending services in your area. My friend used to be a volunteer befriender for elderly peope and she was lovely. She just used to go and have a chat and a cup of tea and her people used to really benefit from her visits. Although most of them had some family you end up talking about the same stuff and with Jan they talked about all sorts of things. Check this out with Age UK. It will tell you on their site. Chin up! :)
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Oh Grandy, how distressing for all of you :hug:
ariadne xx
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How kind f you to be sensitive to your mum's needs.
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Your Mum gave it a trial and it didn't work. Not the right place right now. I expect too that she could see where she might 'be' herself eventually if the others are not communicating etc..
Hopefully the GP can ease the anxiety etc..
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Grandy what a shame.
As CLKD says, maybe the GP can help with the anxiety.
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My Mum was diagnosed with vascular dimentia too Grandy, it is a very sad thing to witness.
My Mum went into an EMI nursing home & it took her ages to get settled & dare I say it.... it was the drugs they gave Mum that "calmed" her down, she was like a zombie most days we visited her. It broke my heart.
You have done something that I wished I could/should have done, as she ended up asleep most days when we visited.
As Penny says, get Age Concern & Age UK involved as much as you can & re-access in a few months time.
Good Luck.
Cazi xx
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It's not been the right place for her grandy, surprised the residents were like that in a residential home as their needs are not usually as great as ones who need to go to a nursing home - you did the right thing though. Hopefully like you said, it might make her happier again in her own home. You take care.
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Thank you all for your kind replies. At the moment Mum is living in sheltered housing. Age Concern have a day care centre near Mum and she goes there four days a week so we are already involved with them.
I was also surprised that the residents were like that in a residential home. The carer in the home said to me that 10 years ago they had lots of ladies like Mum - a bit of dementia, lonely and not really coping coming in for the company but now with "Care in the Community" people are not going into homes until they are much further down the line. I think there will come a time when Mum will have to go in and I think we will look at the homes in a different light now.
Cazi- I think that is probably how Mum would have ended up had we left her. I do feel that she is a bit at risk living on her own now but when I think of the person Mum was before her dementia - feisty and self-opinionated!!! I think she would prefer to be slightly at risk and living her own live and we will let her do that as long as we can although I am aware that we may be heading back to a home at some point.
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Have you looked through several places? Depression in old age is common, sometimes goes unrecognised. I know if I'm bored I sleep ..... pity they couldn't 'match' your Mum with another brightly person ::)
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I visited more care homes than I care to remember when my step father was alive. He went in for regular respite care to give my mum a rest. I have never been in one that did not smell of wee and had all the old people sat in chairs staring into space. It was so sad to see. Although my step father was physically frail he was mentally fine and it drove him nuts.
I suspect that my mother is not 100% safe living on her own but like you Grandy I would rather she lived at home and took the risk. She is a little vague sometimes but thats it. Again its physical frailness with her.
We are lucky in Scotland that we have free personal care for our elderly. At the moment mum has carers every morning to make her a cuppa and some toast and open curtains etc. They even let the dog out. Three times a week they come back and supervise her shower. We can up the care to four times a day if we need to.
I hope your mum gets the help that she needs. No matter what, you are doing your best, and as I say to my mum when she worries about things.....one day at a time.
Honeyb
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Honeybun - unfortunately Mum is not getting any free personal care. She did have carers coming in three times a week but she never really accepted that she needed them, refused to let them even make her a cup of tea and kept telling them not to come. They eventually said if she will not let them do anything then it could not be classed as personal care so they were stopped! My mother is not the easiest person and also is in complete denial about her dementia.
However we have made some progress today. Doctor's appointments made. One in the morning next Thursday for us to discuss things with GP and one in the afternoon to take Mum along. At the moment she goes to a dementia day care centre on a Tuesday and they have offered to have her on a Sunday too. This gives us 6 days cover during the day. I cover Saturday. So if we can get her to stop wandering the corridors during the night we are sorted!
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Fingers crossed then.....hope you get some joy from the GP.
My mum also hated the carers to start with but we kept on plugging away and she got used to them. Have to say sis and I got really firm with her. Basically (and this sounds so harsh) we sort of treat her like a 9yr old.......She is 90. She tantrums like a child and is sometimes child like in the way she behaves.
She has an alert button which she hates wearing. She responds to threats.....She has been told if she does not wear it I will put a note in the carers log to make sure she does.She will put it on for a week's and then gets stroppy and refuses.
It's so hard to get things right......a bit of in independence but safe and also quality of life.
I do so hope for your mum and you, you get things sorted. It's . Such a strain and worry.
Honeyb
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Have you tried asking what advice they would give to a friend in a similar situation?
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Ask who and what situation.
My mum would not have a clue what I was on about. You are lucky that your mum is not suffering any kind of dementia problems CLKD.
If she was then you would realise that such questions are pointless.
Honeyb
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Honeybun - yes my Mum also refuses/forgets to wear her panic button. And I agree sometimes we do have to speak to her as if she was 9 years old.
And sorry CLKD my Mum would just look blank if I asked her something like that. We can no longer have these sorts of conversations. x
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Exactly Grandy....my mum's short term memory has gone. It's so difficult to explain anything these days......but she remembers 70 years ago perfectly.
Unless you are living with it you don't really get it.
Today mum did not know what a crematorium was. Try explaining that one.
I know it's a downward journey but you just have to do the best you can at the time.
Honeyb
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I hope you don't mind me just plowing in... I've mentioned my dad and the situation we have in another thread. And I can see from scanning the last page or two that several of you will understand my frustration!
I'm trying to sort out power of attorney for my dad who's living on his own, and whose memory is worsening. We've talked about power of attorney for years but nothing's been done, because dad sits back and won't make decisions.
So I organised the solicitor to visit the house today, in my presence, to get the ball rolling. Unfortunately the solicitor had a fairly brusque manner (polite but quick, if you know what I mean). I could see dad getting confused. I tried to lighten the mood but knew I shouldn't really say much (has to be dad's decision after all). It ended with dad sending the solicitor away saying he wanted to discuss it with me (and my sister). But we've already discussed it till we're blue in the face! Aaarghhh! No questions were asked, nothing signed, nothing started... back to square one! I'm SO frustrated. I live 40 minutes away - dad wants me there when the solicitor comes - and we've already had 2 false starts.
I'll try again, in a couple of weeks. Dad said afterwards that he DOES want to go ahead with it. You know.... 10 minutes after the solicitor left :sigh:
I blame dad's memory and confusion. It's so difficult...
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My sister and I are doing this at the moment. Mum has not even seen the solicitor. We arranged for the paper work to be drawn up then took it to mum and she signed it. We carefully explained what she was signing. Bringing a stranger in would just have confused things. I know you want it to be your dad that gets this ball rolling but to be honest the whole point is that he (like my mum) just can't cope with this kind of thing anymore.
I don't know how you would feel about doing it this way. For us it was the best option for mum's long term care.
Honeyb
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Thanks honeybun... I had no idea it could be done without a solicitor present, I'll look into that. The solicitor has a list of questions he needs to ask dad and I can see that dad is panicking about it. I tried to intervene a little, as I mentined, but the solicitor nearly bit my head off, or that's the way it felt. I know they have to be careful about the elderly being coerced into this sort of thing, but really....
Maybe it's because we're talking about 'lasting' power of attorney - is it different for your mum? The solicitor said he would ask dad the questions, draw the papers up, and then send them to us for signing. Does that sound right? Unfortunately, if things carry on the way they are, dad may lose his mental capacity and we'll have to think again anyway.
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I haven't done it yet (this thread has reminded me it needs to be done), but you can get the forms, etc and put a LPA together yourself if everybody is in agreement and arrangements are simple. You can order a pack on-line that includes tbe form and booklets giving advice on filling it all in and when you need to resort to a solicitor. I'm pretty sure it was a.gov website I got the stuff from. Might me worth looking in to as a less stressful option?
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Thank you both (honeybun and scampi)!!! You prompted me to look at the www.gov.uk website and there are forms to download, as you say. Lots of guidance too. There's also a useful leaflet on the ageUK site, that I'll print out for my dad to read.
I'm not sure why we went to the solicitor in the first instance... I'd prefer it if we could do it ourselves. It'll confuse my dad less this way and he can take it at his own pace.
I still find it all frustrating though, and it was difficult to keep my patience in check today. We were so near, and yet so far...
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We are using a solicitor. He drew up the documents and they are being registered at the moment for us.
I think the solicitor you are using is going over the top. Justifying his fee perhaps.
It's only as hard as you make it but they don't tell you that.
Get the forms....explain to your dad what they are and get him to sign if he is happy. It's in his best interest to have people who love him dearly looking out for his long term care.
Honeyb
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Grumpy is does sound as if it would be better to do yourselves.
But, if you do want to use a solicitor, how about finding a female one, may be more sympathetic?
Or ask CAB for their suggestions, they may have some useful ideas.
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Sorry honeybun, I understood your previous message to mean you weren't using a solicitor (hormonal brain on my part!)... but I see what you mean now, and am concerned that the solicitor who came to see my dad was completely over the top, in that case? I said something, while the solicitor was there, along the lines of 'well, it's entirely up to you, dad' and the solicitor immediately piped up 'I'm glad to hear you say that...'. Hurrumph. Of course I have my dad's best interests at heart!
So your solicitor didn't even need to speak to your mum beforehand? I guess it must vary a lot then :-\. How strange.
A female solicitor might be a good idea, Limpy. Who would have thought it'd all be this tricky...
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It seems to be a common way to do it. You go and ask a solicitor to draw up the documents with you and your sister's names on.
You both sign as does your dad in your own home. You take the documents back to the solicitor and he registers them for you.
Easy.......It's just like a DIY form only the solicitor registers them.....oh and charges of course.
Honeyb
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I think it has to go through Court to be activated? But a Solicitor should never appear brusque to clients, I would alter my Solicitor. Your Dad was probably saying he wanted to discuss it before signing as he couldn't understand and needed breathing space. Frustrating but necessary to make sure he feels he is in control ..........
I was listening to a conversation this morning (off to start another thread) .......
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I had Age UK life magazine recently through the post: I quote:
"My mum lives with dementia in a care home near me. I sold her 2-bedroomed house to be able to cover her fees. ....... She currently pays about £3,400 a month. There is an extra cost for the nursing element of her care, but the local authority do pay that.
"It doesn't seem right that because she worked hard and saved, mum's left to shoulder this enormous financial burden. I don't know what will happen if she runs out of money. The whole system needs to be sorted out".
Now maybe I am missing the point: but *what* are savings for? Age UK goes on to say:
"Paying for these high care needs can threaten hard-earned savings and assets (including their homes). leaving them financially vulnerable ....."
Why would paying for high care needs, presumably because the person is unable to remain safely in their home and unlikely to return there, put them at financial risk? If parents want their children to have money without paying the Government anything then now is the time to hand it over, not wait!!!!!
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That sounds good, but don't the Inland Revenue start getting interested in things like that?
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Only if it is thought that one is handing over large amounts in order to avoid care home fees ;)
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I think there is a time scale. If memory serves me right it's about 7 years.
Forward thinking I guess. I would rather my kids have my money than the government. I know plenty of old people who are in homes. Some are paying fro the sale of a house others are getting their care free as they lived in council houses.
My money and house will be handed over long before I get to that point.
Honeyb
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Well I've just come off phone to my Mum who told me she wished she was up in the graveyard. This was because she was running on about how marvellous my brother is who hung her washing out for her today (that would be 2 prs tights and a bra and pants ::)). He does sweet FA for her and she has not been to their house for 1-2 years and they only live about 4 miles from her.
I said "Mum I'm not interested in him you know that." Regulars will know he has not spoken to me for years, even if our paths cross at Mum's house and he can see it upsets her but he doesn't care. So she started crying and said "all this nastiness upsets me so much." I reminded her that he's the one who won't speak and was very rude to me last time we saw each other but she's choosing to ignore that.
She's seeing the GP tomorrow because she fell over last week and this is a follow up but she says she still doesn't feel right. She was hinting that she might not feel up to coming away with me next week (just an hour away) and I said she was to do whatever she thought best.
I am so drained, TBH I couldn't really care less tonight. :(
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Penny, I think you are wonderful with your mum but like all of us you get tired.
Your mum might be feeling a little vulnerable after her fall.
If I have been told once by my mother she would rather be dead I have been told hundreds of times. It's very wearing to hear that so much. I did ask her once if I had a pill I could give her would she take it.....that shut her up.
Your brother should thank his lucky stars that you do so much for your mum. It lets him off the hook. Good for you not letting his rudeness get you down.
Hope your mum decides she can go away with you.
Honeyb
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Penny, I think you are wonderful with your mum but like all of us you get tired.
Your mum might be feeling a little vulnerable after her fall.
If I have been told once by my mother she would rather be dead I have been told hundreds of times. It's very wearing to hear that so much. I did ask her once if I had a pill I could give her would she take it.....that shut her up.
Your brother should thank his lucky stars that you do so much for your mum. It lets him off the hook. Good for you not letting his rudeness get you down.
Hope your mum decides she can go away with you.
Honeyb
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Thank you for your kind words Honeybun. She's never said this to me before (aout the graveyard) and I know she doesn't feel well but she was really rubbing it in. I was going to take her shopping on Sat but she said she didn't feel up to it. I asked if she needed anything and she said no, she was sorted so I didn't go over. I did ring her several times though and told her to ring me if she needed anything.
I have organised to collect a lightweight wheelchair near our site and she'll get the double room and there will be no stairs or anything so I was hoping she'd get a really good rest, a change of scenery and some company. Maybe brother has put doubt in her mind. He did that when my Dad died and she said she'd like to move somewhere smaller. I said it was a great idea but she listened to him and he said "you can't leave this house, all your memories are here." I can honestly say that had I not organised for a stair lift for her and her bathroom turning into a wet room she would not have been able to cope. Neither of the brothers lifted a finger, it was all down to me.
I have been reading my "Mindfulness" book and that encourages you to break the cycle of anxiety and stress. You are supposed to observe negative thoughts as they arise, let them stay a while and then watch them evaporate! It also teaches you not to judge yourself. I already feel a little more detached I think.
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You simply can't do any better than that. Is your brother a bit jealous of the relationship you have with your mum or is he just mixing things.
I have a little of the same. My mother always listens to what my older sister says and my opinions are dismissed. It's not my sister's fault.....She can't help it and I know she wishes it was different. I have just stopped commenting and let them get on with it although it can be hurtful.
Glad your book is making a difference. Anything that helps is great.
Honeyb
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Not my pig not my farm ;)
My Mum will take anyone's advice other than mine >:(. DH (so far) can do nothign wrong so issues still get sorted. But she will go on and on and ......... about how so and so tells her it's 'too much to pay' or 'too far to travel' ......... or will take too long ...... or she reads about stuff in the daily papers and believes what is written rather than those with experience.
I try when on the 'phone to offer up advice and it's up to her to take it: or not. But when we are together :cuss:
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After the the morning I have had I truly believe we all deserve a medal.
Honeyb
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:medal: :foryou: home now?
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Yes home now totally worn out with trying to please.
This time it's over food. Sis did mum's meals for years and there was always complaints. I took over a year ago and still complaints. She changed to M&S and now that does not suit either.
She wants to cook her own. She is not capable so she wants me to cook at her house. Does not work either. Then it's.....I don't want to eat any meat just fish or chicken. I cooked fish this morning and she complained about the smell.
Sorry for the rant but she has me so down with the whole carry on.
Honeyb
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Maybe you do need to step back now Honeybun and give up your "job". Is there someone local who would come in for the money you are paid? I know she wont like it but it might just do the trick. You could always go back to it after a while and she might treat you a bit better. You have got to look after yourself too in all of this.
With my own mum and dad it did get very difficult especially as I lived 150 miles away and I would get home and they would complain about something I hadn't done. They also thought that I should move in with them as they felt, in their muddled minds, that they needed me more than my sons did now that they were "grown up" - I still had a 12 and 16 year old at home at that point. I found it really difficult sometimes to keep it all going and that was with us having had a really loving relationship for almost fifty years so I can't imagine what it's like if you have always had a difficult time with your mum!
Taz x
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I have suggested that she gets someone else to do for her. Her answer to that one was to take to her bed and refuse to speak to anyone. If me or sis spoke she pulled the covers over her head. It was awful and I was backed into a corner. What can I do.....She treats me like #### but does not want anyone else.
Sometimes, although rarely she is really nice....most of the time she is a discontented old woman who hates the world.
Honeyb
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It's a hard time for you HB, & you have done more than a lot of people would have done.
It isn't easy I know.
You are damned if you do & damned if you dont, but you can only do so much.
Please don't beat yourself up over it. Your Mum knows you are doing your very best, it's just that sometimes they don't know how to tell you.
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I have suggested that she gets someone else to do for her. Her answer to that one was to take to her bed and refuse to speak to anyone. If me or sis spoke she pulled the covers over her head. It was awful and I was backed into a corner. What can I do.....She treats me like #### but does not want anyone else.
Sometimes, although rarely she is really nice....most of the time she is a discontented old woman who hates the world.
Honeyb
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I think we're heading in the same direction our end Honeybun! ::) ;D
Have just come off phone to my Mum. She's been to GP today and hubby and I are convinced she actually WANTS something to be wrong with her. She asked the doctor if the hospital notes said anything about her kidney. ::) When she went for every test known to man (the other week when she said she couldn't see) the Professor said everything was normal, her kidney reading was slightly raised but it was nothing to worry about and would see her for another 12 years (she told him she wants to get to 100). I heard those words myself.
She also thinks the doctor is not bothered about her because she's not sending her for back X-rays.
Then she says could we put our mid-week break off because "people" had said it might not be good for her. On questioning she said it was the doctor and a lady who brought her lunch today. I actually think it's more than likely the brothers. ::)
I said, I can't cancel now because I've paid in full (her birthday present) and she will be staying in a double glazed, fully central heated luxury park home/villa thing. It is just an hour in the car. She can knit, watch TV, I've hired a wheelchair if she wants to go on the prom and she won't have to lift a finger for 5 days. If she's at home she has to cook, tidy up, etc. If she's with me she's treated like the Queen. I said it's up to her, me and DD will still go without her. Then she says "I suppose the days will soon pass and we'll be home again. I might as well pack then." I said "no, no, think it over and I'll ring you tomorrow."
I tell you what I don't know why I bother sometimes and hubby says I am a saint. ;D ;D
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As I thought, it IS the brother who's putting her off going. She said as much tonight but she's made her mind up and she's coming. She says she feels better about it today and is looking forward to it.
I wish she'd listen to me rather than him because he's as much use as a chocolate teapot. ::)He calls into her house between jobs, uses the loo, makes himself a coffee and he's gone again yet he's telling her not to come in case she takes ill. I will tell her tomorrow to tell him that we'll only be a few miles from the hospital whereas if she was at home and took ill, it would be an hour's drive! ;D ;D
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Well sis and I have put our heads together re the food issue. She does not like mine or my sister's stuff so the ingredients will be taken to her and I will supervise her cooking her own.
It won't work and we both know that but we are both at the end of our tether with her and perhaps a lesson will be learned......we shall see.
Glad your mum is going on your break Penny. Your brother sounds as if he likes stirring things probably just to annoy you. Glad he has not managed to spoil things for your mum.
Honeyb
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Honeybun
My friend's Mum now gets all her meals from Wiltshire Foods and really enjoys them. I think she gets them delivered every 2 weeks and the variety is good. Might be something to think about. It would certainly help you and your sister.
Bramble
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My immediate thought was get Wiltshire Foods in. She can then have what she likes delivered every 2 weeks, their menu choices are HUGE - my Mum has them and gets on really well. All microwaved so she doesn't need to use the oven.
Honeybun - you need to step back. Your Mum will NEVER change. Time for you and Sis to get paid carers in and arrange for meals to be delivered, either by Meals on Wheels :-\ ??? or Wiltshire. Unless you take a back step you are both going to be too ill to care for her. You have done ENOUGH!
She is manipulative, un-caring and knows which buttons to push. I know you have troulbe with the guilt complex and she is aware of that because you keep going back. Get Social Services and her GP involved, let them tell your mother that uyou and your sister are no longer well enough to cope.
PennyFarthing - have a nice time. It infuriates me that my Mum will listen to a girl I was in School with over howevermany yearsago that is ::) and take her advice: but if I make the same suggestions I get 'oh I can't do that Dear' ........ >:(
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Honeyb
Wiltshire Foods sounds perfect, go for it.
CLKD is SO right, time for you and your sister to get out of the firing line.
You have done loads, certainly as much as can be expected.
WF may help to reduce the load, well, it's worth a try
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Someone can only hurt us whilst we allow them to do so .......... print this out and put on your Mum's fridge, bathroom mirror, front door .......... >:(
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We have the brochure but she has decided she wants home cooked. Well she can cook it in her own home.
Time we got a bit tougher. Only trouble is we have tears and tantrums. Sis is going on holiday in a week and then I am off 2 weeks later. We will leave things as they are at the moment and then move things on when we get time.
I do love my mother but I can honestly say I don't like her. I feel terrible saying that but unfortunately it's true.
Honeyb
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Might be worth just saying to your mum to try WF just until the holidays are over. She might take it better thinking it is only for a short time and then you can reassess once things are back to 'normal'. Sometimes old folk are thrawn just because it's the only thing left to them!
Bramble
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Good word that.....thrawn. She is most definitely that and crabbit with it.
She has been on M&S small ready meals and has tried so many different things and likes none of them.
It's just something else to moan about. She has looked at WFF brochure and turned up her nose at the choices of the small range.
Meals on wheels in our area has been contracted out to Wiltshire FF so she could get nice meals at a fraction of the price. She won't go for that either.
Tomorrow she starts partially doing things on her own. She will moan at that too but she says I don't cook like she did. I did train as a chef but what would I know about cooking mince.... ;D
Honeyb
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What's this thrawn then? Is it a Northern word. I've never heard of it. I wonder if there is a Day Centre or Luncheon Club near your Mum where she could either go or they drop a meal in.
Talking of which .... I rang my Mum tonight and it was like talking to a different woman. :)She was chirpy and said she'd walked to her luncheon club and home again today and they'd all made a big fuss of her. She's looking forward to our break away and I am going on Sat to take her to hairdressers and a bit of shopping. She is so up and down it's untrue! ::)
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Thrawn is a Scottish word for someone who is difficult and a bit awkward.
Glad your mum is a bit better today. There are clubs around my mother but she will not go. She does not want to mix with old folk.. ;D
She is nearly 91, how old does she think the rest will be.
To be honest I don't think she is fit for anything like that any more.
Honeyb
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Hoenybun - you and your sister need to stick together. Thrawn is NOT an excuse. Wiltshire Farms has a HUGE range of recipes/menus to try from. I think your Mum is pushign buttons again >:(
Get your holidays over with then make a Plan together. We are behind you ;). So what if there are tears and tantrums, tell her that if she puts on her parts then the GP will be called rather than you or your sister going over. Is she worried that should you two stop bending toher Will that she will have to go into a Home?
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My mum and dad hated Wiltshire Farm Foods but they also hated the meals on wheels ones too. I would arrange everything and then they would cancel it all during my drive home! It was so frustrating. I had to have the cooker disconnected after my mum died as my dad was so disabled and poorly and would never remember if he had left a ring on. I arrived one morning to find him trying to cook sausages for me on the radiator. It was such a sad sight - he still wanted to care for me even though he was so ill himself. I guess you never stop being a parent.
Taz x
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Well I took down the mince and cooked it. I left her to do the bisto and the potatoes. She is floundering big time which I knew would happen. I don't want to be unkind but she needs to learn to accept the help that is willingly given.
She is complaining she is not fit.
She was told I would cook her meals willingly but if she complained again then that was it.
Back to normal me thinks. It should never have changed except she was being stroppy.
Actually when I think back my mother has always been spoiled. This is just a continuation of what she has always been like only with bells on.
Honeyb
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Thrawn is a Scottish word for someone who is difficult and a bit awkward.
Glad your mum is a bit better today. There are clubs around my mother but she will not go. She does not want to mix with old folk.. ;D
She is nearly 91, how old does she think the rest will be.
To be honest I don't think she is fit for anything like that any more.
Honeyb
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Honeyb - have you enquired whether these clubs will deliver meals ..... most do. It's usually home-cooked "proper" food too. Last week when Mum was under the weather her lunch was brought down twice - main course and hot pud. She says they're lovely.
My Mum is a bit like yours - she thinks everyone else is VERY old. She's 89. She could go all day but she just goes up at 12.00 and has her meal and a cuppa and a chat and comes home again. Several of them do that and they call that "Luncheon Club" rather than Day Care. ;)
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Mum can't go out on her own Penny. I never take her out...that's what my sister is for. They have got a big car....mine is tiny.....an Aygo.....it wouldnt take a wheelchair.
She stays in a car free culdisac and can't walk to the top her little avenue.
She won't go anywhere unless my sis takes her.
I know that all the suggestions are great and very sensible but you would have to meet the woman ( when she is not in queen mother mode) to understand what I am dealing with.
Honeyb
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I can sort of imagine it ........ my Mum has narcissitic behaviour and once her mind is made up >:(
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Mum can't go out on her own Penny. I never take her out...that's what my sister is for. They have got a big car....mine is tiny.....an Aygo.....it wouldnt take a wheelchair.
She stays in a car free culdisac and can't walk to the top her little avenue.
She won't go anywhere unless my sis takes her.
I know that all the suggestions are great and very sensible but you would have to meet the woman ( when she is not in queen mother mode) to understand what I am dealing with.
Honeyb
X
I hear all this ..... but my question was do any of the clubs deliver meals? ;D ;D
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Hallo folks , I have been reading this post for a while.
I have similar problems with my Aged Ps that you have CLKD.
Anything suggested by ME is ignored/questioned/deemed incorrect.
Recently they have had major dramas at home with Mothers Health.
Dad is 81 and a Heart Patient, mother (78) had a Stroke in 2006 and recovered. She recently caught Norovirus and Hurt her knee. BUT they still WONT consent to organising ANY help in the Home. I live over 100 miles away, I get silly Conversations from mother about ME going to look after them. I am a disabled Heart Patient in a bungalow. They have a house with stairs. I use two walking sticks and a mobility scooter. I keep saying to them HOW will this work ...what am I expected to do?? My Brother and a Cousin do visit regularly ..and they cannot get either of them to get help in! I have suggested /recommended AGE UK etc.. but ALL advice has been ignored. It drives me up the wall. I do try to keep a cool head .. but I have to admit when mother and I get in a room together its :argue:
Mother is always loading every conversation with emotional blackmail and GUILT.
I have had to let the phone go to ansafone again ... I find it all too stressful.
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Ladybug <HUG>
You are correct - leave the phone onto the answer machine. That way she can't get at you. I expect at times they are scared and worried and sometimes family is 'best' ;D :-X ........ but you have your own situation to deal with. Because they can't see how that affects you on a daily basis, it is 'out there' ...... so the suggestions that you go care for them might, in their eyes, be practical ..........
Are you able to contact their GP ....... at least your cousin and brother don't get anywhere either ........
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Most of the elderly people that I know have resisted having care in. I think for them it means finally admitting that they are no longer capable and its then just a downward journey.
Circumstances usually force the issue.....normally someone falls and then there is no choice.
My mother fought tooth and nail but after she was told that neither my sister or I were prepared to do the early morning or late night visits she gave in. Now her " girls " are wonderful and it gives her the opportunity to play the sweet little old lady.
Honeyb
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I understand more than most about being independent, but I have tried for at least the last year to repeatedly give them MY example of who and how, I have help in MY home.
Shopping delivered/hairdresser/cleaner/foot lady/pharmacy delivery ...etc.
So its not as if I am asking them to consider anything that I am not ALREADY DOING??? :bang:
I keep getting told .."we'll we will wait till this crisis is over / that Hospital Appt is done then we'll consider it".
Dad says he wants help in, but Mother is the Block. :angryfire:
It doesn't help that I am estranged from most of my family, I love my parents but I admit I don't like them very much.
I am seen as the Black Sheep of the Family. There is a lot of OLD baggage attatched to this ... but I still keep in touch and still try to be helpful/cheerful etc.
Which I think is DUTY and Guilt all mixed up together. When they do eventually go ...it will be MY fault ...as far as the rest of them are concerned. :kick:
I am ready for that, and accept it. ....But Still .... :(
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How could it be your fault ladybug ?
You can only suggest and not dictate. I take it you only have phone contact. Do they know that you have the difficulties that you do. It seems very unfair of them to try and pressure you into something that's just not possible.
I understand completely about the duty and guilt feelings. My mother is a master manipulator and I do a lot from guilt. I do love her but she is very very demanding and downright horrible sometimes.
I wish I lived 100 miles away instead of 12.
I have told my daughter she has my full permission to shoot me if I get like my mother. I would hate to be like that.
Chin up.....none of it is your fault and it does help to come here and vent.
Honeyb
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Thanks HB, It all Being My fault is a standard fall back position in this Family. ::)
Cos I don't have a Husband/Child at home to look after.
Also my disabilities are seen as "Excuses not to do anything helpful".
I do Visit the Aged Ps, once or twice a year for a day ...I keep it short and sweet and go loaded with gifts and foods.
I also make sure I pick a day when NO-ONE else is visiting.
I accept things rather than fight it, cos I would rather spend my energies on things I enjoy doing .. not dealing with ****ly pious relatives. >:(
That's Partly why I got the Mogs ..so I have an excuse NOT to leave home for long. ::)
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I have two kids still at home and a hubby who is not in great health but as far as my mother is concerned they come second to her needs. I could be dying and she would still expect me to be there. She is only concerned about how things effect her and no one else.
When I told her I was suffering from anxiety her very first question was.....does that mean you can't come to me then.
You are right to distance yourself from things. Can't see them running to help you.
Honeyb
X
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I have probably said this before - many years ago Mum would ring up and moan that 'we never go anywhere', 'no one ever calls to see us' ......... DH and I went mid-week and the phone never stopped ringing, the door bell went several times - and she answered the 'phone even though we were there for the day >:( - instead of saying she would ring 'them' back. i did ask Dad 'is it like this often' and was told 'all the while'. So the next time she went on and on and ........ about how they never went anywhere, I put down the 'phone. She never moaned again.
I take the attitude that now I have left home it is NOTHING to do with family members how I live my Life, including my ills and hospital appts., etc.; I don't want them here when I'm well let alone if I'm poorly ;D ......... I've dropped the guilt. There are agencies in my mother's area if she bothers to engage with them ;)
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Have you got many family members CLKD?
Taz x
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I have probably said this before - many years ago Mum would ring up and moan that 'we never go anywhere', 'no one ever calls to see us' ......... DH and I went mid-week and the phone never stopped ringing, the door bell went several times - and she answered the 'phone even though we were there for the day >:( - instead of saying she would ring 'them' back. i did ask Dad 'is it like this often' and was told 'all the while'. So the next time she went on and on and ........ about how they never went anywhere, I put down the 'phone. She never moaned again.
I take the attitude that now I have left home it is NOTHING to do with family members how I live my Life, including my ills and hospital appts., etc.; I don't want them here when I'm well let alone if I'm poorly ;D ......... I've dropped the guilt. There are agencies in my mother's area if she bothers to engage with them ;)
I like the attitude and the outlook CLKD ...will print this and put where I can see daily.
;)
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I'm so grateful to have had the parents I did. I can't imagine having to care for them if I had disliked them - it was hard enough to do when we got on so well. Such a difficult time for all of you in this position.
Taz x
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My mum reminds me of the little ditty.
When she was good she was very very good.......but.....when she was bad she was horrid.
I do love her Taz and I do understand why she is the way she is at times. She is frustrated at her limitations. But I dislike the way she speaks to me. It's,as if she has all this frustration inside and it has to come out.
It's hard to like it when you are being verbally abused but she is my mother and that's that.
Honeyb
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NO ONE has the 'right' to abuse anyone else, what ever their relationship. I have to remind Mum of this occasionally by quoting others in a similar situation as she would never believe I was suggesting that she is a 'nasty' person.
Did your sister have a good time away or did she worry about how you were managing HoneyBun?
When I don't bow to Mother's commands she calls me 'hard'. I have learnt the hard way, with friends walking away when I was ill with depression and anxiety, more recently when a friend told me she was looking for a new circle of friends, when someone else even more recently is 'very busy' so doesn't drop by any more :-\ - look after number 1?
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Just got to have a 5 minute moan! ::) Had Mum here for the weekend and took her back this evening. On the way she asked if I would tie up her climbing rose over the arch in her garden. I did say that surely this was something one of the brothers could do but she didn't reply. I unloaded all her stuff, put all her shopping away and took her case upstairs.
She found me the step ladders, twine & scissors and I set to. While I was up the steps (wobbling due to my vertigo) I noticed that there was some material flapping on her flat roof. She mentioned this to me weeks and weeks ago and I told her to get one of the brothers to stick it back with strong adhesive because I wasn't up for climbing on a roof albeit a flat one. I assumed she had and the job was done because she didn't mention it again.
Got down and mentioned it to her and she said "I keep hinting to them but they don't do it." I said "It's no good hinting, just TELL them it needs doing like you just have with me and the roses."
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Sometimes no matter what you do its never enough.
I think our parents forget that we are getting older too.
Honeyb
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Sometimes no matter what you do its never enough.
I think our parents forget that we are getting older too.
Honeyb
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Honeybun - it's not the fact about getting older but why I get asked to do everything. ::) I won't bore you with all I do because I've said it loads of times on here but one brother pops in and cuts the grass and that's it. He flies over it with the mower, doesn't get any weeds out and if she asks him to do the edges he makes a real mess of it. The other one pops in to use Mum's loo, reads her paper and she makes him a coffee. He never does anything. Wouldn't you think while one of them was there she could just ASK them to tie up the roses?
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Nope. Because your Mum knows how to push buttons too. Boys are 'special'. Girls are the doers >:( ...... M in L was one of 8 the eldest being a boy, then M in L then a mix of boys/girls. NONE of the others took any interest in helping her care for their parents, both who had late onset diabetes and also signs of dementia. She would keep the flat clean, do their washing etc. and her brothers/sisters woudl 'pop' over for an afternoon, find them neat and tidy then wonder out loud what M in L's problems were! They didn't see the daily grind.
Boys are not expected to 'do' anything except accept the paper, coffee, a chat ......... perhaps you shoudl suggest that your Mum looks through yellow pages for a tradesman to do the flappy bit on the roof and point out that you will not be going up ladders in future whilst you have 2 brothers who are not physically disabled ;)
I've listened to Mum ranting this morning >:(
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Had Mother on phone yisty for 40 mins.
Thanking me for Flowers I sent (Spring Roses) and telling me all about her latest Hospital Visit. ::)
Moaning that my Brother has given them both a Wiltshire Farm Foods Booklet and TOLD them to do something as they cannot carry on as they are!! :o
She is a manipulative minx, she moans that Brother is on at them both to get some help in, I told her she was a bit selfish making her favourite son Worry so. (ahem) ::) That he is obviously so concerned about her that he could make himself ill and NOT be able to visit them. (lies, all lies!)
That made her shut up! >:(
Spoke to Father and made him think that "He thought it was all GOOD idea", temporarily. (ahem)
No idea if they will budge ...EVER!
Felt drained when I came off the phone.
Made no promises to visit anytime soon. :-[
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Tell them that there are people 'out there' that really enjoy Wiltshire Farm Foods - my Mum has found them really useful, but it was her choice ........... I suggested it years ago and her late brother in law found them OK so she had it in the back of her mind so thinks it's her idea ::)
Don't feel guilty. You can't care for them as they want to be cared for ;)
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Do you think that elderly parents - especially mothers, find it easier to ask daughters for help than sons? I wonder if sons make them feel bad for asking - perhaps sulking or complaining, or even doing the job but with bad grace. I am picturing my Dad here, when Mum would ask him to do something he didn't want to do ::) He was a mild man but if he didn't want to do something, he would eventually do it but made Mum wish she had never asked. She always used to say "I never ask anyone to do something I can do myself"
I try to imagine what it must be like for a once independent person to have to rely on others for help. I think this must be what leads to the cussedness of some elderly people when having to accept that help. My mother in law's late husband absolutely hated having to admit he needed help and when help was given, he would cuss and curse under his breath out of frustration I think. However, at the time, we thought him rude and most ungrateful.
We can only do our best and when I read how some of you put so much time, effort and love into caring for your elderly parents in spite of your own problems and ill health, I am just amazed at your strength.
ariadne xx
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I think there is a lot of truth there Ariadne. Certainly when Dad could no longer care for his garden, anyone else would never do it 'right' ......... even if he were there instructing as they pruned, mowed etc.. Lack of control in his case.
Which is why we, as daughters, should engage outside agencies if parents become obstroberus ....... because it can ruin an already delicate relationship :-\
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I'm glad that I didn't get in outside agencies though - it does take an awful lot of patience and adaptation to help the person who is getting older and is desperately trying to hang on to control of their lives but I am sure when it is my turn I too will be scared of what is to come. It was very difficult caring for my mum and dad, especially when my mum's dementia really took hold and she would threaten me with "You wait till my daughter gets here she'll have the law on you she will" and also when my dear dad began to become incontinent and tried to hide it from me. The journey each week of 300 mile round trip didn't help either but I did what I thought best and I am still glad I did it.
Maybe it's my own age catching up with me but I really can put myself in their shoes somehow. Old age isn't nice - it's all about loss.
Taz x
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It's sad to see them getting older and it sounds as if you did all the right things for your parents Taz. If you can look back with no regrets then that is wonderful.
We have had no choice but to get outside help although it's minimal at the moment. I know it takes away something but it also allows mum to stay in het own home. If we need more help them we will get it. Sometimes help from outsiders is easier to accept than from close family. My mum needs someone to sit with her when she has a shower. She was not happy with me or sis doing it but accepts a carers help.
Ups and downs....positives and negatives.
I think when my time comes I will be happy to accept the help, perhaps because I have seen how nice the carers are. If it stops me going into a home then I will go for all that is on offer.
Honeyb
X
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Me too Honeybun - can't wait to get my 'scooter' thingy ;)
It is the sense of loss. Every day I sit by our ponds and that is what I will miss most when push comes to shove. That and watching the changing seasons knowing that we built this garden from scratch.
But I will accept help if it is available though with tonight's news about the NHS :o
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I think that I worded it a bit strangely. I agree that outside help is often necessary and something that should be welcomed if it allows our relatives to stay in their own homes for as long as possible. I was really responding to the comment about us daughters getting in outside agencies when our relatives get grumpy and obstreporous. I was trying to say that it was difficult to cope with that side of things but I am glad that I managed it.
My mum and dad constantly cancelled everything I put in place re carers or delivered meals. They would nod and smile and agree and then by the time I was partway through the journey home my mobile would ring and it would be one of the agencies informing me that my dad had just phoned and cancelled what we had only just agreed on!
I dread the day I can no longer drive - I know I will react really badly!!
Taz x :)
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My step father drove well into his eighties, mind you no one would get in the car with him and he forgot to stop in his garage once.
Where I stay on the coast has a very large retirement population. In fact it's know as God's waiting room.
We have a lot of little old ladies puttering about in cars and doing 20 miles an hour on the roads.
You need to move up here Taz when the time comes and you can drive for as long as you want. ;D
Honeyb
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Taz I got what you were trying to tell us ;)
I remember when we talked to my parents about Dad should stop driving Mum went berserk and I don't say that lightly :-\ ...... but once he had put the car into the garage and they began using taxis, her narcissism turned to something else ::)
Oh to retire by the sea but as stated, I would SO miss our ponds
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I've been thinking about getting someone in to do some light cleaning for Mum. A few months ago she was saying how tired she gets and I suggested it and she was quite pleased. I spoke to 2 local women and they were both fully booked.
Next time I mentioned it again she wasn't so keen and I believe one of the brothers must have said something because she said "I can manage most days". Neither of them like people going to the house for some reason yet Mum loves any visitors.
I go over every couple of months and do the house right through thoroughly but I don't want to start going in cleaning every week. She understands I have enough to do here and also I do all her other PA/driving/hospitals/hair/dentist/holiday/shopping jobs etc.
I have got 2 more numbers of women to ring and I must do that soon.
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Have you looked in the back of The Lady magazine or contacted WRVS or AgeUK? Is there a local 'rag' - the one Mum gets lists several ladies with good quailifications that live in her village.
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There are more than just social service carers. My mother has a private company ( on contract to social services ) but they have ladies who will come and do whatever the person wants even just to keep them company.
This company charge £15 an hour.
It could be an idea to call round some of the private care companies to see what's on offer.
Oh and ignore your brother.
Honeyb
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CLKD. We do have ponds by the sea. ;D
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But not my ponds ::) £15.00 is reasonable I would have thought?
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"You need to move up here Taz when the time comes and you can drive for as long as you want."
Thanks Honeybun there is hope after all!!
Taz x
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We used to have an elderly neighbour that had to hold onto things to get to the car. He then used to get in it and drive. :o
He was positively dangerous. There are so many of them in this area. We do have some great second hand cars in this area though. As old as the hills with hardly any miles on the clock and never taken over 30 miles an hour.
Honeyb
X
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However, short journeys can ruin cars ::)
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We are really are rural up here CLKD. There really is no where much to go if you don't like long journeys. The nearest motorway is 30 odd miles away and its only a little one.
Most of the elder population cars don't go terribly far and are usually low mileage and a great buy.
The only thing is the salt air....it can play havock with your body work and I don't just mean the cars. ;D
My mum is very very grumpy tonight. I am off tomorrow and there is going to be a lack of housework done. On dear
Honeyb
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.... " oh dear" ..... ;D
You go away and enjoy. Remember: if she is grumpy on your return, tell her : "I have had a good week without too much worrying (even if you have been) and have decided that, if you continue to be grumpy with me despite what I do for you, I will arrange agency staff instead. I have had enough. What Sis decides is up to her. I have a family to consider as well as my own health"!
Or you could send her a post card whilst you are away with similar wording - "You may be missing me but I am not msising your moans and groans. Think about what sis and I do for you each week and how much more intrusive agency staff would be. The choice is yours".
Enough is enough Honeybun ;) putting foot down with firm hand does become easier the more one practices!
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Yes boss
;D
Honeyb
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Are you ready for your break ......... ;)
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Yes packed up.
See the holiday topic for small spanner in the works.
Hey ho ......Nothing runs smooth.
Honeyb
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I rang my Mum tonight with my fingers crossed but that was a waste of time. I was hoping she'd say not to bother going over tomorrow to take her shopping etc.
Hope this is not TMI but I've had an upset tummy and diarrhoea for 2 days and she is quite obsessive about catching any ailments and usually says to stay away until you're better.
I feel OK today TBH but I would have loved a free weekend. She says she feels very tired and has written down all the times she's had to go to sleep in the last few days ::) I stopped her RIGHT in her tracks, I have enough with listening to what time she takes her "medication". I said "that's OK, if you feel tired we'll come straight home. We'll just do a very quick shop and not bother getting lunch or anything." She said she would probably be OK. ;) ;D ;D
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Saw it ::) - get into that car, Oban can be lovely on a fine day. Lots of magazines packed?
PennyF ........ I would be pulling the 'I don't feel too well after being in the bathroom for 2 days' trick ;) ....... after all you don't want to spread 'it' around the local town ;) If your Mum is tireder than usual then her GP needs to do blood works. Maybe though she isn't sleeping as heavily in the night?
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Thanks CLKD. :) She has recently been put on co-codamol for her aches and pains and my hubby has those and he reckons they almost knock him out so he doesn't very often take them. I did mention this to her when she started on them but it went in one ear and out the other. ::)
We had an hour on the market, about half hour in a small supermarket getting her groceries and then we drove back as there was a Farmers Mkt/Craft Fayre on near where she lives. She never once said she was tired. When we got to the Farmers Market several people she knew were there and she was talking away for ages. I went the whole way round and she was still talking. ;DWe had a coffee and a chat with someone else and then I said we'd better be going and she almost fell in my car and was saying "I am SO tired, just get me to bed." I pulled her leg and reminded her that 5mins earlier I'd been waiting for her as she was talking the hind legs off a donkey. "Oh" she said "I'm fine when I'm talking but then the tiredness hits me." She always has an answer, my Mum. ;D ;D
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Perhaps she is bored :-\ so too much time to dwell on how she feels ::)
At least you got out and about ...... do you feel better today?
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I was talking with a lad I know last week. He has his elderly dad to stay with him currently following a fall. His dad lives 200+ miles away from here.
When Social Services attended his dad before the fall - without any of the family being made aware of the impending visit - he was asked what would help his daily needs. He was given a list and kept telling SS, my son does that for me, my relatives can do that, my neighbours help with ........ well his neighbours are very elderly and infirm and they haven't spoken for over 3 years; the relatives live in one direction about 1 hour away and his son is workign part time ....... why won't SS contact relatives to find out the EXACT situation :bang: :bang: :bang: all this talk of allowing the 'client' to be in control of their needs isn't helping anyone >:(
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Hmm, sounds all too familiar. Our son has severe learning difficulties and now lives in supported accomodation- not too far away so we can be involved with his life and he can come home whenever he wishes. He does have a few 'issues' should we say with his behaviour, as parents we like to be involved and to support the team supporting him. We had a meeting with the SS and were told to 'back off'. so he sleeps in until goodness knows what times- he wears dreadful clothes, the swimming trunks (lime green) >:( and black socks and formal shoes and t shirt well, we were horrified when he arrived home the other week wearing that get up.
we feel that we have no support from the SS now and have no one we can turn to for advice. Honest- its the service users choice- so if he wants to lie down on the M25 thats his choice!
Sorry ladies- having a rant here, phew feel better now! :o
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Yep - how ever un-able a person is SS usually take their viewpoint rather than the relatives >:( .... something about 'dignity'. However, if a person doesn't get advice: and that applies to any of us : about how we look and what we are wearing ::) .........
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My elderly was in a mood tonight. Cut the conversation very short. Just did not have the energy to listen.
Honeyb
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Good for you, you're learning ;) .......... :foryou: let it go, she will have forgotten by morning. If she hasn't, quietly say 'that was yesterday, I'm now dealing with this morning ........ ' ;)
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:thankyou:
Honeyb
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Any fall-out this morning Honeybun?
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No falling out. I called as usual and it was never mentioned. I refuse to be drawn in any more and its working quite well. Difficult to strop without an audience.
::)
Honeyb
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Hmm, sounds all too familiar. Our son has severe learning difficulties and now lives in supported accomodation- not too far away so we can be involved with his life and he can come home whenever he wishes. He does have a few 'issues' should we say with his behaviour, as parents we like to be involved and to support the team supporting him. We had a meeting with the SS and were told to 'back off'. so he sleeps in until goodness knows what times- he wears dreadful clothes, the swimming trunks (lime green) >:( and black socks and formal shoes and t shirt well, we were horrified when he arrived home the other week wearing that get up.
we feel that we have no support from the SS now and have no one we can turn to for advice. Honest- its the service users choice- so if he wants to lie down on the M25 thats his choice!
Sorry ladies- having a rant here, phew feel better now! :o
Until recently my friend worked as a carer for a lady with quite severe learning difficulties. She lives in her own rented home but has a day carer and one at night. She has a car which they take her out in and she loves socialising and day trips out. She has come on in leaps and bounds since my friend worked for her for 2.5 years.
A supervisor came round and made lots of negative comments about the way they were looking after her. One example she loved going round the charity shops and buying clothes because all the staff would spend time chatting to her. My friend used to make sure the stuff she bought was nice quality. The supervisor said she didn't approve. Other things were brought up and my friend decided she had had enough and quit. The night carer carried on and she brought the lady for a ride out to have afternoon tea at my friends house and she was told this had to stop. The night carer then left too.
New carers were found and they don't drive so the lady is now in her house 24/7 watching tv. How can that be better? She misses all her nice ladies in the shops and trips into the countryside.
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Supervisor for whom exactly? Where is the GP in all this :'(
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Supervisor for whom exactly? Where is the GP in all this :'(
For the agency they worked for. I'm sure she had a different title but can't remember what it is.
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What a shame. Are there any relatives involved?
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Bumped. I need to review this thread ……….. also might be helpful for new Members.
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ALERT!
"To cut a very long story short, he was a sales rep from Niagara Therapy, and was intent on introducing mum to a particular massage machine which would be beneficial to her condition (or not!) By this time both mum and I were on full alert, I asked him had mum been referred to him by her Consultant or Doctor, to which he replied 'no'. I then asked him how he had got mum's address and other personal information, and was horrified to hear that the company had bought the information from the NHS!! …. "
this lady was telephoned by this Company to gain access into her property - she can smell a rat fortunately, so is going to contact Trading Standards.
Do warn those you care for about 'niagara therapy' which is apparently very expensive and often inappropriate to the person, usually elderly, who is targeted.
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I hope I'll be a 'good' elderly relative ;)
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Oh so do I CLKD, (note to self - you do not have to turn into your grandmother)
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;D ………
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Thanks for 'bumping', CLKD ;) I'll take some time to read the thread before contributing. And boy, do I have some contributing to do ;D
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You join in - that's what these threads are for :) …….
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There you goes ;)
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My mother has yet another urine infection. This is on going. Seems to go after a course of ABs but a couple of weeks later it's back. She is not especially unwell and certainly not in bed but she is uncomfortable with it. Constant pressure and peeing a lot. A good few years ago I asked her GP to prescribe Vagifem for her so that's covered.
Now I know this is going to be far too much information but in the hope of some advice......She has piles which she says leak all the time. I suspect she is causing the infection herself. My sis and I have got her wearing a large soft sanitary towel to try and keep the areas separate. She will insist on slapping on cream and then things nip, she then washes it off. I have binned all face cloths...yuk....and sponges...even more yuk in an attempt to keep things clean.
She has refused point blank to have a camera in her bladder as she says if she goes into hospital she won't come back out. The GP has now suggested a scan and we are encouraging her to go for that. Trouble is if they find anything she will then worry herself to death. At 92 do we just try and manage the situation.
So after all that I think my questions are.....what can she use on her piles that won't nip and burn the front area.
How can we manage the constant infections.
Do we make her go for a scan or leave well alone.
Any thoughts at all ladies.....Oh and she is the worst sufferer ever and does not want to talk about anything else.
Honeyb
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Thanks CLKD.
Honeyb
x
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Is she actually using the Vagifem? - maybe she needs to re-load and use every other night? Difficult this 1 as only she can put it in. That way any irritation internally may well ease the other symptoms. A suggestion to your GP particularly if your Mum is reluctant to face the upheaval that going into Hospital will certainly mean. Conservative treatment first? maybe the District Nurse could go in each evening to administer the Vagifem for 2 weeks, less personal for your Mum.
If she is itchy scratchy down there, maybe she is causing 2ndary infection which becomes a Catch22 situation. Would Vaseline/Sudafem be a better option for the outer skin area to stop any leakage? Vaseline allows liquids to flow over, forming a barrier between urine which is acidic and could burn, particularly if she isn't drinking 'enough'.
Or could the leakage be the Vagifem - after all, what goes up has to come down ;)
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The GP got her to do a reload which the carers supervised...ie. They hand her the thing and send her to the loo. So it's not that and she continues to use it twice a week.
She also has a barrier cream to use but who knows what she does with that.
I have really run out of ideas this time.
Honeyb
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But they don't actually supervise that it's inserted properly :-\ …….. which is why maybe the District Nurse might be an idea for 10 days? Not really something that can be probed by you or your sister ……… whereas someone professional might make sure that the product is inserted far enough.
A District Nurse could advise how to use the barrier cream too. Whereas if a family member even insinuates that 'they' aren't doing it right ;D
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Honeybun -your mother sounds so very much like mine was in so very many ways. My mother (similar age) had at least one UTI every month. I wonder what the thinking would be on a daily low-dose antibiotic to act as a preventative measure.
Her 'continence nurse' scanned her bladder on a home visit once. I'm not sure how much information that would provide if you had a similar service by you.
I hope you can find a solution and you do have my sympathy, as I know just how difficult this situation is.
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Also if ladies are sitting a lot, damp, it can cause low-grade infections. Would sitting on a ring help ease any irritation?
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I did not now there was such a thing as a continence nurse. Now that's something that I can pursue.
Thanks for that. We have asked about an anti biotic all the time and the GP was reluctant because of the resistance it can cause.
Honeyb
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My mum has constant problems with urine infections. She always has a course of ABs in reserve, a good GP and my dad. I wonder whether vagifem would be suitable for my mum? Yes, I hear all the details.... :o
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Honeybun
Would the Estring ring now be more suitable for your mum ? - it delivers higher dose estrogen and is left in rather than keep using vagifem pessaries.
Only suggesting it as when i saw my GP about Estring she mentioned that usually "i put it in for my old ladies"
http://www.estring.com/
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Oh, there's almost too much choice ::) …… we are a Mine of Information!
Honeybun - remind your GP how old your Mum is ::) ………. quality, quality, quality ;)
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GP talking to my sister tomorrow so we will see what she says. It's really a bit more than I can cope with at the moment to be honest so I'm leaving it mostly to my sister.
Honeyb
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Good Idea! Let us know ……...
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I did not now there was such a thing as a continence nurse.
Oh but there is such a thing.
One of the joys of MS is the lack of muscle control and urge incontinence.
I had dealings with one of these people (way before meno), I had to drink lots and keep a log of all that I had drunk and all that I passed, can't remember how long for (24hrs?). Suffice to say, one HAD to be at home for the latter measurement. Honeyb, does this sound on for your Mum? I found it hard and that was at 39/40 ish ::)
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Can't see her being able to do that on her own Limpy and I just don't have the strength to help at the moment. Got too much going on here just now. I'm afraid anything extra is going to be down to my sister.
Honeyb
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Not surprised to hear that Honeyb.
I found it to be a pain in the ---- and I was quite a bit younger than your mum.
However, they may be able to give her something to reduce her urine output. Mind you not sure that would be an entirely appropriate thing to do.
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It would be good if they could give her something for her verbal output ;D
She does take a pill called Vasicare which is supposed to enable her bladder to hold more.....in theory anyway.
I think everything is just wearing out to be honest. I really don't want to live that long :-\
Honeyb
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I started reading this thread... and realised that so many of us are in similar situations... and if I'm honest, I'm not sure if it makes me feels better or worse to know that, since anyone struggling to cope with meno and it's associated symptoms, plus elderly parents/relatives has my total sympathy & understanding.
My dad is 86, lives alone and independently about 40 minutes from me. My sister lives further away. In his early 70's he had a triple heart bypass and valve replacement and it gave him a new lease of life... until about 2 or 3 years ago when things started going downhill. Some weeks/months are better than others, but he has problems speaking, has short-term memory loss, is disoriented (told the GP recently that it was 2008) and is getting quite unsteady. He has been 'asking' for help more and more and I've been taking to majority of the strain, sorting out power of attorney (ongoing), looking into accommodation and care services, trying to engage his GP in doing something pro-actively (something that I'm having a really hard time with) etc etc.
The problem is, I have my own health issues and often feel I can't cope. My dad sees me as someone he can 'dump' all of his worries on (according to my sister, he's started referring to me by my mum's name) and just last week started telling me all his woes just as soon as my husband left the room for a few minutes. No-one else seems to 'get it' like I do. He keeps telling me I'll be his 'memory' from now on. I find it so totally depressing, and my mood has gone on a downward spiral. We need support, but the time of year and the fact that I'm going into the hospital next week (minor op, but still a worry) has meant I've had to put it all on hold. I feel queasy just thinking about it all.
To top it off, my in-laws are also in their early 80s and not in the best of health. At least they have each other, but I wonder how much longer their situation can carry on. Sigh.
I know there are no magic wands to deal with this, that it needs to be tackled. I just need to offload, knowing there are people here who understand :)
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So make a list of what your Dad and In-laws are likely to require. Is your DH open to discuss it? Having him on-side is important.
Social Services will do a free assessment of needs. AgeUK have lots of leaflets for advice. There are various dementia support groups and you may find one local to you who can give support. Make sure that your Dad is claiming for everything he is entitled to, i.e. Carers Allowance - which is provided so that he can pay someone to 'do' for him. Are there any local ladies who do ironing services etc.?
The main difficulty I found was that they are reluctant to even discuss giving up any of the independence! His Mother was insistent that she would NOT go into a care home, sadly her on-going brain tumour forced the issue. We were not equipped emotionally nor physically to care for her. My Mum spits bricks if she even half thinks I'm 'trying to put her in a home' ……. she can afford care within the house but that will be difficult to instigate too.
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Thanks CLKD :) I have lists upon lists... ;) And have spoken to DH about the need for discussions with his parents (find out now what they would prefer for the future etc).
I've been ringing anyone who will listen, about dad, and they've all said he needs a diagnosis to go any further. The only thing we can get without a diagnosis is the assessment of physical needs by social services. But as you pointed out, getting him to agree to it is quite a different thing! I've been wanting him for ages to have his various tablets dispensed into dosette boxes and delivered to the house... but he flatly refuses! Also, he mentioned getting a cleaner one day so I rushed out and got some information... he said 'too expensive' (£15/hr) and now refuses to consider it. One minute he agrees to meals on wheels, and the next minute he doesn't want it. And so it goes on... ;D You know how it is!
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Hi grumpy2008.
Yu have my sympathy. If you have read some of my posts you will see I am in I similar situation - lifelong health problems ( chrons disease) and operations but 2 years ago I left my job on ill health. I loved my job but I couldn't cope so at last i was free. Three weeks after retiring my mother had brain haemorhage which has left her very disabled. I am her main carer and don't find it easy as I get all the moans and groans too and she just lives for me to twke her to town. If I don't, she stays in bed all day. I find it very depressing too at times. I'm having surgery in January and I'm not sure how we will cope but I can't keep giving anymore. I am worn out and have out this op off for years ( long story ).
So I do sympathise - we are fortunate in that she has full care package so she has carers 4 times a day but as she is only 75 she hates staying indoors and would spend every day shopping if she could. It's exhausting. She has no reasoning as to my problems - she too thinks I'm her mother sometimes.
I make sure I make time for myself and have set boundaries. I now unplug the phone at mealtimes or if I'm having a nap. I'm looking after myself and trying for once in my life to be a bit selfish.
Best wishes to you - it's not easy I know xx
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Have you tried asking your Dad "What would you suggest your friends who are facing similar situations?" ……. might focus his mind in a different way. Would he manage Wiltshire Farm Foods?
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Thanks groundhog and CLKD, and sorry for the long delay... I can only cope with so much these days, which I blame on my tablets (tamoxifen)! My brain won't multitask like it used to and I forget things easily, like replying here, but that's another story!
Well, dad has received an appt for speech therapy at his nearest hospital. It was discussed during his GP appt about a month ago, but he swears the GP never mentioned it (he's totally forgotten). The appt is scheduled for Monday morning at 9am... a time that is impossible for me. Dad thanks he's going to get the bus and go on his own!!! Won't even think about getting a taxi (not that I'd let him go on his own anyway). Sigh. Of course, I'm going to get it rescheduled... if I can get through (I've been trying all afternoon)... but does anyone know if it's possible to get home-based speech therapy assessments? Seems ludicrous to expect an 86-yr-old man suffering from speech problems, memory loss and disorientation to get to a hospital 5 miles away, especially during rush hour.
Also, I'd already booked him another appt with his GP for Friday this week, with the intention of asking for a referral to the memory clinic. Would it be possible to get this referral through the speech therapy department instead? His GP has been less than helpful so far :-\.
Thanks!
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I don't think that Tamoxifen causes memory problems ……. however, stress, being busy, hormones can all cause us to forget etc..
Have a word with AgeUK and see if there are any volunteer drivers that could take your Dad? You may find that there is a 'friends' group at the Hospital which could tell you if it is possible to join up between memory and speech therapy Clinics. The friends group is 'pals' in some Hospitals but doing a 'search' at where your Dad is going will tell you what support is available.
You may find that the Surgery has volunteer drivers though these seem to be thin on the ground in some areas due to lack of volunteers ::) - give the Dept a ring and explain, see if they can send someone to see your Dad so that you can be present? or at least resechudle though it will probably be a Clinic held at the same time each week. Where's your GP in all this ::) :bang:
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Thanks for the useful suggestions, CLKD. I've spent yesterday and today ringing people (ageuk, my dad's GP surgery, the therapy clinic) and finally they've agreed to do a home visit next Monday afternoon. It's such a relief! It means I can be there and dad will be more comfortable. I'll let you know what happens ;-)
As for dad's GP surgery, they were polite with me but the least helpful in all of this. I'm not very impressed with them at all. I keep giving them the benefit of doubt, but I'm losing patience with them.
As for the tamoxifen, I'm sure some of my memory/multitasking issues are due to stress & hormones, but this feels a little different... hard to explain... like an inability to focus. Many women complain about fuzzy headedness on tamoxifen, and I thought it must be due to it's effect on hormones when I first explored it. But a study has shown that tamoxifen actually harms brain cells and the central nervous system! I'd find it extremely interesting if I didn't feel like it was happening to me, haha! Here's a link: http://www.ascopost.com/ViewNews.aspx?nid=8564
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Have you considered power of attorney for your dad. My sister and I have done this for our mother. When it was done she was a lot less confused than she is now. We have also put a letter into her surgery which she signed allowing us to speak with her doctor.
Glad to gear your dad will be seen at home. Much more suitable. Let us know how it goes.
Honeyb
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Thanks Honeyb :-). We're in the process of setting up power of attorney... in fact, dad has a gp appointment on Friday for the GP to (hopefully) act as certificate provider. I've also handed a letter in to the surgery, signed by dad, like you have for your mum. I haven't had to use it yet but hopefully it'll help when the time comes. I got the idea from this thread (possibly one of your posts?!) and the template from the alzeimers society forum.
I feel like we're making some progress now. I just want him to be happy and safe, which I'm sure is what we all want for our parents :)
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Can my mum be happy and safe and stop moaning ;D
It does feel better when things are in place, then you feel that if something happens you have some control over things.
Honeyb
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Oh, the moaning can really get you down! I'm learning to build up barriers and not get into any fights - I just nod to most things and then do it my own way :D
Yes, having a plan is better... it's horrible to feel so out of control.
Grumpy x
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Glad that you are able to move things forwards. Social Services might be able to provide help too, GPs seem not to have the in-put these days - no longer 'family' Doctors then :-\ ……..
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Thanks :). It could be that social services will get involved as a result of the speech therapy assessment. Or perhaps a referral to the memory clinic. We'll see ;). Dad thinks he just needs a few speech exercises and everything will be hunky dory again... I suspect/hope they'll do further tests such as brain scan and bloodwork... but I haven't told him this 8)
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Getting Power of Attorney should help too, otherwise SS dend to deal with the 'client' and not take the real issues on board >:( ::) …….. let us know how you get on!
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Done ours ;) - don't know where they are though
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Agreed, stellajane... and it will be a big relief when ours is sent off. One thing I would add though, is that the person setting up the POA only has to be 'lucid' at the time of signing. A friend of mine's 98-year-old-mother set up POA through her solicitor, despite deteriorating health (including mental health). But the earlier the better of course, because it is one less stress to deal with at an already difficult time.
I tried to help dad with POA two years ago, and he totally agreed to do it... until the solicitor came round to the house and dad suddenly refused. I was SO frustrated! We're doing it ourselves this time, it's much less threatening. Fingers crossed that dad's GP will sign the 'certificate provider' form without any hitches!
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I need to get LPA set up for my Mum - but I don't know who is going to do the certificate bit! She's only had her current GP since August (moved into residential care) - I think the Care Manager (social worker by another name!) who dealt with her move to permanent care might do it, but we need a second one, as there is no-one my mum would want informing about the LPA (certainly not my brother as she wouldn't trust him not to cause trouble - neither would I). I suppose we could pay a solicitor to do it, but it's going to cost us £220 already (need both types of LPA). I know 'they' put these procedures in place to protect people, but it's SO complicated (and expensive).
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We just have most of my mothers accounts online. Then sis or I can manage her money for her. She can't remember PIN numbers now anyway so someone goes to the cash line for her and gets her some money out to have in her purse. As she doesn't really get what note is what these days she needs help.
I sometimes wonder what happens to old folk who don't have a family member to help them. We have set up everything to be easy. We don't even let anyone apart from friends visit without one of us being there. She has not got a clue about most things and gets very flustered if anyone asks questions that she can't easily answer.
She has not got a clue what money she has coming in or what her savings are anymore.
Honeyb
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Yep. 'They' get paid for muddling us too ::)
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It's interesting to hear other people's experiences when it comes to actually using the power of attorney - I may be back at a later date to pick brains!
We're halfway there now as far as the paperwork's concerned. Dad's GP signed both parts yesterday (financial, and health/welfare) :)
The GP also acknowledged a letter I'd sent him regarding dad's symptoms (which dad didn't know about) and said he didn't think there was any reason for a brain scan (can't remember his exact words) but that the dad's symptoms follow a 'vascular pattern', which I took to mean vascular dementia. Poor old dad, he was just sat there staring into space while the GP discussed his issues with me. He didn't even register it. :'(
As for dad's speech therapy appointment, it took many calls to the speech therapy department at the hospital but I finally got through. And they couldn't have been more helpful... I explained the situation and they agreed that a home appointment was more appropriate :D. So the speech therapist is visiting dad on Monday afternoon - I'll let you know how it goes.
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You are making progress then Grumpy2008? how is your Dad otherwise, maybe he was relieved that someone else was needing to take it all in ……...
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Just had a chat with my sister and in-laws, in town over coffee. Subject got round to our elderly Dad (who's nearly 90 and thinks he's not) and various perceived tripping hazards in his house. I'm now feeling depressed, worried about him and close to tears. I shouldn't be like this today because my sister and her hubby are up, staying with him for the week. Maybe I should just think of no. 1 this afternoon and go and play some music...... :-\
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How 'on the same page' are you over your elderly Dad? I think many of us feel 16 in our heads ;) - perhaps your sister should 'trip' ……. make a big issue over it and ask if it's OK to remove the hazard.
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If you and your sister think this way then putting your heads together and making your dads house safer would help both of you and him.
We have had to this for my mum. Lots of simple things. Lifting mats and rugs, grab bars next to the loo and converting a shower to be easier to use. A shower seat can help too. Maybe not all at once but inevitably your dad will need things like this to increase his independence and your peace of mind.
It's difficult to see them getting old and frail but it does help to be proactive before anything happens.
Honeyb
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Social Services will do a full assessment of needs. It's persuading our wrinklies to let them in though :-\
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Honeybun and CLKD - thanks so much for your advice. It's really helpful. My brother-in-law also had the idea this morning about lifting rugs (well, one in particular) and the Social Services have, in fact, been round to do an assessment. Dad's being a bit proud on this and hasn't yet told me how things went. Think I should find out for myself what was decided.
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Have you asked your Dad what he would advise friends in his situation? ………. ;) …….. you could also explain that if he has less hazards around his home that you will worry less.
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The social services assessment can be very useful, when my Mum had it done some years ago, they as a result, then provided a seat across her bath, a trolley to wheel meals drinks etc from room to room and a pole thing to pick up anything she dropped. She accepted all these with a lot better grace than she would have done if the ideas had just come from me! They also gave her a gadget to pull her tights on with that was useless but provided us both with a good laugh when we tried to work out how to use it!!
Anything that helps you to feel happier about your Dad is worth a go Dulciana.
Thorntrees.
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Thanks Thorntrees and CLKD. I'll add all this to the think-tank!
Dulciana
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It's the fact that our parents suddenly realise they just can't do the things they want to or used to be able to do.
My mother fights change every inch of the way. When my sis and I lifted bedroom rugs and kitchen mats she used to wait until we had gone and put them down again. We eventually took them to a charity shop. She also fought the outside railing as she said it spoiled the look of her house. The shower chair was rejected. She has been a bit of a nightmare but with persistence we won. The social services assement is very good but .....old people are proud and find it hard to admit difficulties in day to day living. I would really speak to them yourself as heaven only knows what your dad will have said. You know his strengths and also what he struggles with and you need to make sure they have a complete picture.
It's really hard, but needs to be done.
Honeyb
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Here in England though Social Services listen to the 'client' >:( …….. if a relative tells them 'My neighbours/family will do it' they don't push to help :-\ ………….
A lot of it is losing control of their hard earned asset and also, they won't 'be told' >:( …….. instead of realising that the sooner they accept help the longer they are likely to remain in their home :bang: ……… also, sadly, we are still their 'children' ……..
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Have you spoken to social services about your mums needs CLKD ?
It does make a big difference when the family become involved.
If you haven't then maybe call them for a chat. That way they are aware and won't be coming at it new. It's really important that you have a contact that you build a relationship with so if you need things in place quickly then it happens. The last thing you want is to start the process from the very beginning when you need things in place sooner rather than later.....that's what happened to us when mother was in hospital with a broken hip. It took weeks to get things sorted and my sister and I ended up being full time carers for more than a month.
Believe me...when you end up emptying a commode you wish you had spoken to someone sooner.
As your sister is not involved CLKD I would be getting that contact established sooner rather than later.
Honeyb
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;D ………. she wouldn't even consider allowing anyone in though. The man who lived there for 4 years had an assessment in *her* house so there are bath supports etc. in place but these now replacing. I wouldn't dare mention it after her outburst at me in November :'( …… her brother and sister-in-law are the same, now in their 90s they had people 'in' but it only lasted 2 weeks after 1 of the carers dropped something …….. and there is always the 'my son/daughter helps' ……… so SS hands are tied :-\
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You don't have to tell her you have spoken to them....just make them aware of possible upcoming issues.
Can your hubby replace grab handles or does your mum prefer to get someone in. Maybe organise that when you next visit.
Its really hard, especially if the old person is Ummm....touchy ::)
Honeyb
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:rofl: touchy ………….
We wouldn't dare suggest it. She has various 'work' people [most who have been in the village for years] who will do stuff if only she would ask ::) …….. plus the Company that has provided/sold her the alarm thingy which she wears ……. which she arranged off her own back …. so she *can* sort stuff …… a wait and watch situation ;)
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I need to talk. My Dad, who's almost 90, lives near us and is usually fine. However, I worry about him so much, whenever I'm not with him. He still manages to travel (just been down south to visit my sister), play his music, and cook for himself every day. What I'm ashamed of, but can't get past, is that I'm getting more and more scared of keeping an eye out for him as the weeks and months go by. When I leave him after a visit, I sometimes get tearful worrying about him. I feel I can't cope with the responsibility, but I must, because I'm the only one of our family living near him - sometimes I even feel resentful, which then makes me feel ashamed. I worry about him being lonely, falling, getting unwell, whatever.... (He's had a visit from the social services and is getting some bits and pieces put into his house.) Sometimes my worrying gets in the way of other things that are important to me, such as my organ-practising and studying for my next challenge, then I feel resentful again, then guilty. He's nowhere near house-bound yet, but worrying about him is beginning to get me down and I long for the next time one of my siblings comes over to visit him and takes the responsibility off my shoulders for bit. I love my Dad but I'm getting scared of the future. Thanks for listening. D.
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Looking after an elderly relative is always a bit scary. You just never know what will happen from one day to the next.
The only thing I can suggest is just enjoy the reasonably fit dad that you have for now and take it day by day. Doesn't sound as if your dad needs a lot of help at the moment so please enjoy it while you can.
When I leave my mothers house...and I'm there a lot....I try to leave problems on her doorstep.
I'm not always successful though ::)
I do understand how you feel. My anniversary holiday was dominated by calls about and from my mother because she was unwell. Eventually I just wanted to scream and it did put a bit of a strain on things.
Day by day.....it's the only way really.
Honeybun
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I'm sure you're right, Honeybun. I mean, whenever he's practising, I'm sure he's not worrying about me/us. Yes, he is fairly fit. He walks a lot, even if it is with a stick. It's as if, just because I'm nearby, something's bound to go wrong, now, this minute, simply because I'm thinking about it - daytime or night-time, I'm just the same. If I could just get past this resentment and panic that sets in, that would help clear my mind to be able to look after him (and just writing that made me quake). Must buy some more lavender oil..
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You are in Scotland Dulciana...yes
Your dad is entitled to free personal care when and if the time comes.
Carers will come in four times a day and help him. It takes the strain off of you. Then you won't have to worry so much.
My mothers carers even let her little dog out, they give her breakfast in bed, supervise a shower and then they come in at night and close up the house and make her a cuppa. It's a wonderful service for you to use is you need to.
That may stop you feeling quite as responsible for all your dads care.
Honeybun
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Yes, that's a point, Honeybun. It does give me a bit of hope.
I will try and take on board all you've said here, as I think it's what I needed to be told. Thank you so much.
Dulciana
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Dulciana
I am in the exact same situation as you my Dad is living on his own at 95.
You can't stop worrying, I know. But it will help if you can step back and allow other siblings to do their share (this isn't always easy in some families). I have found that if you can surround your father with a network of supporters albeit family/friends/care-workers, you can stop worrying so much. No-one can continue to do this job all on their own long term. You will become stressed and ill and stress can manifest itself in so many ways as I have found out. It is hard and seems unnatural to step back but you have to as you need your health to continue caring for him.
If this care network is put in place maybe the time you spend with him will leave you more of a happier person in general.
It is never easy looking after an elderly relative but trying to spend time in the present is helping me.
I wish you well Dulciana ;)
Rebecca
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Oh it is a worry isn't it? My mum is so frail, more so after her recent hospital stay. She is nearly 88 and my Dad, 90, is her carer. She is able to do basic tasks independently. Dad cooks and Mum tells him what to do! They live a gutty 45 minute journey away. My only sister died years ago, so I have no one to share the load. I have low energy levels, and need to recover from each visit. I'm trying to go each week. My DH will help in an emergency, but is not keen to otherwise, partly because of his work, but mostly he doesn't have the emotional connection with my Mum, who is hard work and shall we say draining to be around! I prefer to visit on my own, cos it goes over my head. Now I am quietly amused while she tells me all the woes of people I don't know, before I deftly change the subject. They are not overly demanding thank goodness. Sunday is the start of my campaign to get them to agree to get someone in to clean. I'm not going to do it, when I struggle to do my own. The trouble is no one will do it how she does. They have someone to do the gardening, but she moans. The garden looks great to me.
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Dulciana
I am in the exact same situation as you my Dad is living on his own at 95.
You can't stop worrying, I know. But it will help if you can step back and allow other siblings to do their share (this isn't always easy in some families). I have found that if you can surround your father with a network of supporters albeit family/friends/care-workers, you can stop worrying so much. No-one can continue to do this job all on their own long term. You will become stressed and ill and stress can manifest itself in so many ways as I have found out. It is hard and seems unnatural to step back but you have to as you need your health to continue caring for him.
If this care network is put in place maybe the time you spend with him will leave you more of a happier person in general.
It is never easy looking after an elderly relative but trying to spend time in the present is helping me.
I wish you well Dulciana ;)
Rebecca
Thanks so much, Rebecca. The problem is that my three siblings are scattered across the UK and I'm the only one who's physically
very near to him. So really it's down to me and care workers as he gets more frail. He doesn't really see himself as old, which has its good and bad points.
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I've lost all my grandparents and few years ago my parents (young) we all helped look after each another, I know this sounds bad but I know I will never have that responsibility of looking after them again ( I would in a heartbeat) it can be draining. I just want to send you all a hug for doing what you are doing you all deserve it :bighug: x
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Just need to off load. Went to see my parents yesterday. Mum is better and is able to look after her personal needs and does not need care now, which is good. She is very frail though.
What gets me down is that they both seem to be having false memories. Sometimes this means they are angry about things they say I have said or done things I would never do or say or even think. One time my DH was there, when my dad said I had said something, and DH was furious. It turned out it was something my Dad had been thinking! While Mum was in hospital, she insisted I had taken a bag home for her and must have lost it. It was in the hospital bedside cabinet! Yesterday, they thought Mum's handbag complete with debit card, address, house keys and car keys, was missing. (I wasn't held responsible for this one.) They thought it had gone missing when mum was rushed to hospital, weeks ago. There had been no suspicious activity in the bank account. I looked round the bedroom, very cluttered, in cupboards etc, which made me feel intrusive. I discussed with Dad what to do next for piece of mind. Mum rang this morning to say they had found it on a special hook in the wardrobe, where apparently it was meant to be!
I seem to have won the battle about them having someone in to clean, but they want me to sort it out. I'll do the research, but I will not choose who. Made this mistake in getting someone to do some work in their house at their request. They weren't happy, but wouldnt complain or allow us to get it sorted out, yet they still go on and on and on......... Humph! I am learning to be gently assertive with them in my old age! Mum has long resisted, as she wants to be in control. (She took over my using the toaster recently! I dealt with this incident with a bit of humour. " Mum, I'm 61 and have had a little experience of using a toaster!")
I've started gently challenging certain things, rather letting them carry on. It can be hurtful and I'm having thoughts that I'm going not to share as that is what they are, just thoughts. This being the only surviving child is a very lonely business. I'm shattered today.
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:hug:
They can be such hard work. One thing I have discovered over the years is that no matter how hard I try it's never going to be right or enough. I gave up trying and just do the best I can.
My mother is always loosing things. It's always "someone else" that has moved it. I can be blamed for things going wrong even if I'm not there.
Rest up.....ready for the next time ::)
Honeybun
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Ju Ju - you are in the firing line ::) …….. it's annoying too when they find what they think someone else has moved, even when that 'someone' hasn't been in the property for a while :bang:
How about printing off 'there's a strange woman in my house' and sending to them ;) ……….
My Mum's village has a small monthly magazine where people offer services locally: ironing, cleaning, tidying etc.: is there such a 'rag' in the area that your parents live in? Or ask AgeUK for their reliable person register for that area? or the Social Services may have recommendations. One person in Mum's area was a retired Registered Nurse, another had been a Matron in a Care Home ……. both were very caring ladies!
I can't suggest anything to my Mum otherwise ::) :-X …….
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Just had a phone call from Dad. Mum visited the doctors this morning and was fine, but since then she has started a urinary infection. She has ABs to take, but she can't take the ones that used to work, as her kidneys are not working efficiently. The ones prescribed have been ineffective in the past. She can hardly walk or talk. I told my Dad to call the Doctor, but he won't until tomorrow. She's now sleeping and he can't face yet another night in hospital. The thought came into my mind that if she died in the night, then it would be in her own bed in her own home. This seems like a slow decline. She's 88 this year and has long outlived every member of her family. I'll ring in the morning. I had just come back from a meeting with the voluntary organisation, I volunteer with and told them I was available to work. Oh dear. Asking for trouble?
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Urine infection or AB Ju Ju? of course I mean VA :bang: :bang: :bang:
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My aunt who is hospital was floored with a urine infection...so much so they thought she had had a stroke. Correct ABs and by the next day she was much better.
Can your dad not get a duty doctor to visit tonight. The sooner she gets the correct meds the quicker the improvement.
My mother now takes a low dose AB everyday for this and it seems to be working.
Are you going tonight to be with her and your dad ?
I know it's hard but...you are all they have.
Honeybun
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Dad won't contact anyone till tomorrow. No, I'm not with them. There's nowhere for me to sleep there and it's about an hours journey. I shall be more use getting a good sleep and see how the land lies in the morning. Dad wouldn't hear of me making the journey anyway. To be honest, I think he is right to leave things. She's asleep. And he rang because I told him off for not contacting for 24 hours last time.
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Let us know!
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:hug:
Honeybun
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Just had a phone call from dad. Mum collapsed in the night and is back in hospital. She's been having urinary infections frequently for 10 years. But it seems she is too frail to cope now.
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Really sorry to hear that Ju Ju, a worrying time for you :hug: (http://:hug:)
PN x x
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Sorry about your Mum Ju Ju :hug: :hug: :hug:
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Do get them to check for VA though Ju Ju ……….. will they give ABs via a drip?
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Just got back. Dad rang 999 at 12.30pm. The ambulance took 45 minutes. Meanwhile mum had to lay on the floor. He said she made an awful noise and her eyes rolled back. He thought she was dying, but she came to.
This morning, she had an allergic reaction maybe to the ABs (which happened last time) urticaria and swollen lips etc. Antihistamines are helping. When we got there we had to wait a while as she was unaware she had a full bladder and she had to try to use the commode. I suspect from what she has said this is not a new problem. She managed to go a bit, so hopefully they won't have to put in a catheter. She looked awful and is very weak and shaky. The nurse said that they would keep her in for a few days, reassess her, then she would get home. Dad and I wonder how long before it happens again. He has to cope and he's 90 in May. I wish we could talk to a doctor who has an overall picture that is going on and how to avoid this happening again. What are they going to give her for the urinary infections, if the ones they have given her she has allergic relations to and the one that worked she can't take because of her poor renal function. She having to cope with bowel incontinence as well, which no doubt, however careful she is is a major cause of infection. There seems to be so many things going on that her poor old body can't cope with. It seems to me she is fading very slowly in discomfort. A long slow decline, but her mind is ok. Poor Dad having to look after her. I'm beginning to wish for her to peacefully die in her sleep. Thanks for reading. It helps to share.
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Of course it helps to get it onto paper, clears the head. :hug: …….. pity there isn't a long-lasting injection that a District Nurse could give twice a week to keep symptoms under control. Hopefully she will remain in Hospital for longer than necessary, could SS go in for a chat with your Dad whilst your Mum is in Hospital, has she a Social Worker or is there a PALS/Friends group at the Hospital?
You should be able to make an appt. to see the Geriatric Consultant for advice.
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My mum...92....has had so many urinary infections.
Could , when she is a bit better, discuss with the consultant puting her on a very low dose once a day AB.
My mum seems to be doing quite well on this regime...no infections since before Xmas.
It's very difficult. My mother has gone from being the cleanest person on the planet to one who struggles with basic personal hygiene. We are convinced that the infections are self inflicted, due to poor personal hygeine.
It's so difficult to try and get my mum to do the things that would help.
I too am watching my mother fade before my eyes, the last chest infection was unpleasant to watch.
I just hope when the time comes she just goes to sleep...and :-\
That's what we thought was going to happen a few weeks ago...but she rallied....only trouble is every infection leaves her a bit weaker.
I would think the next big infection will be the one....either that or she will fall.
My aunt is in hospital at the moment. She has dementia and went wandering. When I was speaking to her nurse she remarked that I came from good genes.
I told her I just don't want to live that long....
Sorry that was not cheerful.
I hope you get your mum sorted and home...but do consider the constant low dose AB. It does seem to make a big difference. No one should pass away due to a urine infection.
Honeybun
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Also - should infections in elderly people who are generally failing in health be treated?
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Yes they should....they should be given the same treatement as anyone else....
However....
We have a DNR on my mothers medical records. After the dreadful time we had with my step father it seemed the best way to go.
My step father was 91 when he died. He had had bowel cancer but eventually it was his heart that failed. He was taken into hospital from a care home after his heart had stopped and had been restarted by a staff member. We thought he would just be kept comfortable. A young gung ho doctor decided in the middle of the night that a pace maker would be good. They transferred him 35 miles away and fitted one. We were told he had signed to give his permission. He did not even know what day it was.
Instead of a peaceful passing, every time his heart stopped the pace maker kick started it again. It was awful.
So yes to ABs but no to heroic intervention. There comes a time that passing should be peaceful and comfortable if we can.
Honeybun
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What happened to your step dad was downright cruel. I asked my dad today whether mum had a DNR. He said they had discussed this, but no, so when she is home, I shall broach this with her. I like the sound of a low dose continuous AB. Trouble is ABs knock her out even when she doesn't have this allergic reaction to some. They had asked a dermatology doctor to look at the rash that covered her body, but by the time she got there while we were there, it had gone down a bit thanks to the antihistamine. Looked awful though, but the doctor was reassured. Mum does not have dementia. She gets very confused when her salt levels are low, but that's a known symptom. Oh well tomorrow's another day.
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My mum doesn't do well on most ABs either but this is a tiny dose once a day and does not upset her at all.
You do need a sympathetic GP though as the new advice is not to do this. My sis asked mother's GP what she would do if it were her mother at this great age. Prescription was written .....you don't mess with my sister....and no infections since. Given the fact is was getting to be once a month we think this is a great improvement and mum is more comfortable.
Worth asking.
Honeyb
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Mum's home! She was discharged yesterday. I spoke to her last night and she sounded much better. I don't think she has been given any advice on how to avoid this happening again, but she has to see her GP next week. I mentioned the low dose continuous ABs as a possibility and will mention it again to my Dad before they go to the doctors. Mum has agreed to having the commode by her bed. She also thanked me for the 'Pampas nappies' I got her. ;) Don't think they were that make! As my grandson would say, you're too big Mum. For the moment, all is calm.
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That's good to hear, Ju Ju.
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That's good news. Good Old ABs! hopefully a low dose will suit you Mum Ju Ju :tulips:
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I do know that my mother has not had a urine infection since November. This is the longest she has gone for at least two years. Although she has never ended up in hospital she has been very very unwell....and been very confused with the infection.
This ABs have been great. She doesn't even realise what she is taking....sis just puts them in her pill box and she takes them.....job done ;D
Hope you can maybe get this for your mum Ju Ju. It's all down to quality now I think.
Honeybun
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Hello ladies.
Just caught up with this thread and I send hugs and sympathy to you all. My parents and FIL are dead but my MIL is still with us and struggling with various health problems so I have some idea of what it is like.
Wishing you all well.
K.
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Dad's just rang. Mums back in hospital. AB course finished yesterday. Infection back today.
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At least your Dad is getting help immediately. Could you give the Ward a ring and suggest a daily low dose AB ? You may find that it's quieter on the Ward now so that you get the chance to speak to someone 'in the know' ;) - that way the suggestion will be in your Mum's Notes (hopefully) to be discussed at change over in the morning.
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Mum came home last night and was able to talk on the phone. I'm off to visit this morning. Let's hope this time she doesn't bounce back to hospital in the near future.
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Aren't they like kids ::) ……… hopefully once you have visited you will know what regime has been suggested! Let us know!!!
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I went to see Mum and Dad today. Mum had managed to get dressed, but seemed exhausted when I got there. After lunch, she burst into tears when I was alone with her. She fears that she will never feel better. I just hugged her. I have no answers. She went to go to bed in the afternoon as she has had to ever since having a stroke 22 years ago. She had an accident, so I had to go and clean her up, poor lady, and the bathroom, which I had cleaned just an hour before. She was so distressed. I hated leaving them. My Dad is doing all he can, but he is exhausted. I got him to agree to ask the doctor to visit tomorrow. Mum's not up to going for an appointment. I also got him to order a personal alarm for Mum, investigate getting someone to clean for them and to agree to go to the doctor as his leg is painful. Apparently this has troubled him for a while and some days it is difficult to walk. I'm bullying him into to making an appointment. I will come and be with Mum. He's afraid it's serious and doesn't want to leave Mum alone. He never complains about his health normally, so I am taking this seriously. I told him that we would cross that bridge if it was serious and if it isn't then he can go for alternative treatment. I feel very emotional at the moment. It it so hard to see them like this. I wish we lived nearer to each other, so I could pop in every day.
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:hug:
It's horrible watching it, I so understand. Your poor mum.
I have had to do a lot of bathroom and bed cleaning too and it's not nice. Are the ABs upsetting her tummy.
They need carers Ju Ju and now is the time to contact social services. You can't be there every day but they need help. I think you might find after a little resistance they will appreciate the help.
My mum fought carers every inch of the way....now she looks forward to them and the help she gets. Don't get me wrong she still complains about them.
We have a few of our own problems with mother at the moment. Her short term memory is almost gone completely now and things are getting very difficult.
Onwards we go....but it's really hard for all us carers/daughters...or a combination of both.
Honeybun
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Ju Ju - at least your Dad is listening to you about help. Maybe low-dose ABs for your Mum? could you ring their Surgery and make the suggestion? As for incontinence, there are sheets for the beds, special pads which your Mum may appreciate in the short term. Buy them, take them and leave them …… "A little gift to help you over the next few days" should be enough said ;).
Your Dad may have sciatica or it may be muscular but having a chat with the GP alone might encourage him to open up a bit. Man to man like ;) - let us know how they get on!
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They asked about low dose ABs at the hospital, but were told she wasn't suitable for that, whatever that means. Dad's going to ask their GP. Mum has incontinence sheets, nappies etc.. Mum is very aware of what is going on. She gets confused when her salt levels are low, but when that is balanced, she has all her marbles. It seems to me perfectly normal to be distressed in her situation. I have probably talked more to my Dad, than ever before recently. He is not a talker usually and relies on Mum to do the talking. He says I am the only one he can be honest to. Mum says I am his main support and that daily contact keeps him going. I hope they see the doctor tomorrow and that she sees Mum as she was today. She needs care. Dad and I have started thinking a nursing home might be not in the not too distant future. She falls easily and he can't help her up. He hates calling on me, but I am insisting he calls me if something happens and he can't cope. My DH would step in if I can't.
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I know when M in L was low on sodium she had cramps, felt dizzy before getting out of bed and her GP kept telling her to reduce her salt intake >:( - I had to get very very CROSS and insist that she up her daily salt, after 3 or 4 days she was feeling much better. It's a thin balanace particularly if they are cooking for themselves ::)
Sleep tight!
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Her sodium levels have been checked regularly as she has to take medication for blood pressure that causes this apparently. If they take her off this medication her blood pressure goes sky high. It's a balancing act, which is no longer easy to achieve with all the other health issues. It's not about her diet unfortunately, as this would be easier to rectify. A while back, she was told by one doctor to increase her liquid intake for one issue and another doctor told her to reduce her liquid intake take for another issue! Sadly, her body is not coping and she is able to do less and less as the weeks go by.
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Sorry to hear about your current problems Ju Ju - it is very difficult especially as you are not 100% yourself. Hope you manage to get some additional support soon xx
As for conflicting information from doctors - yes very frustrating :(
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Thank you groundhog. Yes it is frustrating and I am very much aware that I don't have the energy reserves that I need to deal with this. I am having to look after myself, so I can give the support that I do. Thankfully my parents are not demanding and are just grateful for what I can do. I just wish I could do more.
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How are they JuJu?
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Just got back from visiting. For the first time since her first hospital stay, mum was walking around and even checking up on me as I did a load of chores. I had to be firmly assertive that I would do things my way or not at all! I became rather annoyed ( inwardly), but this shows she must be feeling better... Mrs control freak. I hope this is how things will be for a while at least, having followed some awful days and nights. She has collapsed most nights for several nights necessitating calling out a paramedic to assist getting her back into bed. She has been having hallucinations at night and having accidents not getting onto the commode in time. Poor Dad has been struggling with washing sheets, carpet etc and not getting sleep. She has been so weak and very distressed. I have held her sobbing in my arms as she feared she couldn't get better. Today has left us hoping she will improve. Dad and I feel a weight has lifted from our shoulders, so I hope it isn't temporary. I do wonder if some of the distressing symptoms she has experienced are side effects of the medication she has been given. She has piles of different things to take. It does make you wonder if maybe we should let nature take it's course. People from their church, neighbours, their doctor and various medics have been great. Their freezer is now full of meals to reheat. Even my BIL is coming to visit, to give me a break.
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So sorry Ju Ju. It's just so hard.
I know the hospital said she wasn't able to take an AB daily but her GP might think differently. If she had an alert service they would come and help her back to bed. It doesn't cost much per month and they are on call 24/7. It would save having to call out paramedics. Both her and your dad could have one. My mother hasn't used hers yet but my aunt falls regularly and they come to help and asses the situation. It might help your dad a lot if he knew help was there all the time if he needed it. A key safe is needed outside the door so they can get in but that's it.
Honeyb
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Thanks for the update. Maybe now is the time for The Discussion ……….. 'you remember how scared you were when you felt poorly, what can we do to ease the situation should it happen again?'
Apparently Mum is having a key safe fitted ………
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HB, my Dad has got the alarm for Mum and just has to fit it. He's great at things like that even at his age.
Yesterday, he went for a hospital appointment for his eyes and has been discharged. After a cataract op 30 years ago, he had problems with pressure and had to put drops in for glaucoma. He has suggested he didn't have glaucoma, but they have insisted he had until 6 weeks ago, when a young doctor agreed with him and he has trialled going without since. No change in the normal pressure reading, but no longer has he irritated eyes and can now watch TV in comfort. Makes you think!
Mum is ok today apparently. My BIL has gone to visit with his new partner, who is lovely. He's going to visit weekly if need be to take the load off me. I am very gravely.
CLKD, we've had some conversations and my Dad is getting a cleaner. They are more prepared to accept any help offered. We'll see what happens. I would like them to let me go to the doctors with them so I can say how it is though.
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Don't understand about fitting the alert alarm Ju Ju. The one my mum has goes on a cord around her neck. It's connected remotely to a phone line. No fitting required at all. Both of your parents could have one....fall over, press the alert button round your neck. Someone comes to help.
Honeyb
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Oh don't get me started on those alarms :-X - but I will ::) - Mother has one, on a wrist band. She put the washing over her arm one morning and it went off …… so she walked into the house to hear someone saying 'are you OK' …… so now she feels it's too sensitive :bang: …… no doubt we will hear more on Thursday as soon as we arrive.
Glad that they are agreeing to some help. It means they will have someone else to talk too and it might open up more to interest them. Lovely that BiL is going in too!
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That's why my mother wears hers around her neck .
Occasionally she does press it by mistake and just can't figure out who is speaking to her ;D
Honeyb
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Mum opted for the bracelet, then moaned that she didn't want to wear it in the Summer with no sleeves …….. I explained that she didn't need to wear it away from the house ::)
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It's 'carers' week' apparently
Apparently by caring for our relatives at home we are *saving* the NHS £B119!
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We are lucky here. Personal care for the elderly is free. Not that my mother appreciates it. She called the carers this morning and complained they were late. ::)
Honeybun
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May I :rofl: then she 'phoned you ???
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No, I was told about it at lunchtime.
Oh boy was she hard work today. I know there are nice little old ladies out there, unfortunately I got the wicked witch of the west ::)
Honeybun
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…… and the Theme for the day was?
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My Mum is ill again, but her doctor is keen to keep her out of hospital. Home is best as long as Dad can cope. Mum was able to talk to me yesterday and told me she had got upset when their cleaner didn't turn up and maybe that triggered this off. Maybe. Upset really doesn't describe the state she can get into.
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Holidays CLKD,
Sorry to read that Ju Ju. I think they often find old people do much better at home than in hospital wherever possible.
Hope she picks up soon.....is it her bladder again?
Honeybun
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Oh Ju Ju - perhaps once she had spoken to U she would have felt better ? Did you check with your Dad this morning?
Holidays Honeybun - you aren't going away again ;D
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Indeed I am, but it's what happens when I'm away that was getting picked over today.
Oh well not back until Friday and with all that's going on with my aunt perhaps my mother will cop onto how lucky she actually is.
Well I can but hope can't I ;D
Honeybun
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I ring each evening when things are not good. We have a pact to let let each other know if something's wrong, ever since they didn't let me know my sister had gone to hospital to die. As you can imagine I was devastated and angry, when I got that call. So we are honest up to a point.
She has had a re-occurrence of severe hives, blood pressure up and down, but they didn't mention a UTI. Her salt levels are being checked. She is very weak. She fell over, knocking over the commode and contents. Lovely job for my Dad to clear up. They think her blood pressure must have plummeted when she got out of bed.
I do think things are finely balanced when she is more ok, so it doesn't take much to throw her. Stress? Maybe, but I shall never understand why she gets so stressed about the small stuff. She's not easy to be around and we all find her exhausting. But I love her, whatever.
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Small issues become big as we age. Due to not being as active/able as we were and not wanting to 'be a bother' to others ::). How's your Dad?
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Mmm..... Mum has always made much of very little. She was always volatile and as my nephew described her, scary. She had a stroke at the age of 66, despite her blood pressure being in the ideal range before. She collapsed following the death of her brother and friends. Her behaviour had been over the top. She had to do everything herself immediately. No one else was capable apparently. She doesn't accept there are lots of right ways of doing things, just her way. Sadly this behaviour continues, which makes life so difficult for her as she cannot be in control. When she is has been very ill, she is grateful for any help, but when she is a bit better........ I will do everything I can when she is really poorly, but it's hands off at other times.
Dad says he is ok. He tends to be half glass empty, but last night was more up beat. At least he will ring me when things are bad and when Mum was in hospital. Other times he avoids talking much on the phone.
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Maybe your Mum doesn't let him talk on the phone ::): maybe she's there, putting her 2p worth in ???. Dad only phoned me when he knew Mum was away for hours, not often then: so we never had proper conversations, when he did ring I always thought it wasn't good news and never had anything much to say :-\
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No, Dad just isn't a big talker. He's introverted. He is more comfortable in the background. All my memories of him are of him sitting approvingly watching, but not participating in family life. I don't remember him playing with us or disciplining. He was always approachable, but you had to do the approaching. My kids would climb on him, but he wouldn't invite them; they instinctively knew he loves them. When Mum was so ill, he did ring and talk. Mum says he got a lot of solace from talking to me. Their marriage works, but I have had to step in and tell him to get the doctor in when Mums ill and that she doesn't know what she needs when she is ill, so not to listen to her. He sounds a walk over, but there's a lot going on there. When he worked he was a 'boffin' -scientist.
I rang last night and Mum is getting better. She hasn't had a UTI. She says things were different this time. She had all the hives come up all over her body, as before, which are now subsiding. Her blood pressure is up and down and she collapsed the other night. The doctor thought one of the concoction of drugs could be responsible, but if so which one and why would she be ok some of the time. It's not clear what has been wrong with her. Sadly this has put her back. Dad had been able to take her out for a few gentle trips. She even managed to get to us to celebrate Dad's 90th birthday. We live an hours drive away.
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Could it be one of the outer coverings of the medication? sometimes people are sensitive to it.
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Maybe. I don't even know what medication she is now on.
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Did you hear from your Dad last night or are they quiet again?
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Yes, rang them last night. Mum is slightly better. Feel pulled in 2 directions. Would like to see them, but on a course this weekend, which is important to me and possibly others. Exhausting though.
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You go on the Course, it will give you a bit of a break. You'll be there for them if push comes to shove …… ;)
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My mother is having a bit of a meltdown. My sister is potentially going to have a new knee cap. She has a bit of an unusual case of arthritis and doesn't need a complete new knee but potentially a knee cap.
All mother can think of ....is what is going to happen to her.....if I have to talk much more about my sisters knee I think I may explode.
Now if it was me I could see her problem as I'm the one that does the practical stuff. My sis does the shopping and paperwork and takes my mother out on a Saturday.
Oh well, I guess I know my place ::)
Honeybun
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Honeybun: You know that your Mum needs more carers to go in then …….. if put into place before your Sis needs the Hospital and convalescent time she will be used to the change of routine ;) : why wait :-\
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Are you coming to Scotland any time soon CLKD....you can tell her cause she doesn't listen to me.
::)
Honeybun
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:rofl: …… :bighug: I can't wait ……….. :whist:
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I can absolutely guarantee you would meet your match CLKD. ::)
She listens to no one.
Honeybun
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It is fairly obvious HB that you cannot take on any more. It sounds as though your sister will have a fairly long recuperation so you will need some help to cover the days your sister normally does. It does look as though your mother will just have to lump it regardless...........
Bramble
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My mother has got way ahead of herself. My sis has been referred from one consultant to another and a decision has still to be made. It might not even happen.
Your right bramble, my mother will not be neglected if it does happen but she will also have to learn the world does not revolve around her as I can't do any more than I already do.
Guess she is a bit scared of change which is understandable at her age.
Honeybun
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Honeybun - feel so sorry that you have this extra worry but need to say that if your mum does have the early stages of vascular dementia - and it does sound like that from your posts - then she will be unable to realise that the world doesn't revolve around her. I really do think you need to get the GP on board over this so that things are already down on her notes if you need to consider residential care for her. If you wait and then the assessments etc. have to be made then the whole process takes quite a long time.
Taz x :hug:
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I agree Taz, only trouble is my sister doesn't and says it's unnecessary. That's me shot out the water as .....and this sounds really petty....My opinions don't count. It's always been the same, I'm the younger daughter that's fine for the donkey work but not much else ::)
Also my mother has always been under the impression that the world does revolve around her so there is no change there.
Honeyb
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I really really sympathise HB. You know the problems I am having but even though I have all the authorities on board they don't consider her anywhere near bad enough for residential care. Despite the fact that at 7pm last night the carer rings to say she is in garden in the rain looking for my father ( died 15 years ago). The day the social worker came out she was fine. The day she spent 9 hours in a&e the doctor wrote in his letter how well and bright she was despite it being 1 am. I realise symptoms can be intermittent but it's so frustrating. She too think the world revolves around her - she has no empathy for us - I think this is probably the illness though. Different person in my mothers body :(
It's flaming hard :(
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The carer rang who exactly Groundhog :-\ - they should be ringing social services or your Mum's GP >:(.
Honeybun - you are prepared as to what will need to happen if push comes to shove ;) …. if your sister isn't in agreement now she will be when she's had surgery ! and you will be ready with your retort won't you - I'll send you some so that you can practice saying them :D
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My Mum had an endoscopy today, to see how her ulcers were healing. (She was not expected to survive a few months ago.) They have completely healed! She's still frail, but so much better.
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Great news JuJu, very happy for you and your mum
PN x x
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Great news....our oldies are made of tough stuff.
Honeyb
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That is such good news! Bet your Mum is pleased too.
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Lovely news Ju Ju. Really pleased for your mum and for you!
Taz x
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Great news Ju Ju.
Just thought I would join this one too, though I feel a bit of a fraud as the parents are not 'that bad' to care for really. They are both in their late 70's now, and as I just read can often also think the world is to revolve around them. My Mum is disabled now due to her crumbled bones and has heart problems, but refuses to ever go to hospital again. Dad has recovered from Prostate cancer but has a few other ailments going on too, but rarely does anything about it, he seems to get more doddery each day too. I only live ten mins or so away from them so do a lot of the caring stuff, and receive the daily ear bashings ;D
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However: it may be worth while searching out the various agencies in the area SadLynda and seeing if the would be amiable to a visit by Social Services to see what they are entitled to regards aids around their property ;) which will enable them.
Is your Mum's heart problem monitored by the GP then ? :-\
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That's really good news, Ju Ju.
Just to digress, does anyone else have an elderly parent who keeps leaving the phone off the hook? I do. Part of me is sure he'll be okay, while the other part of me needs to make sure he is. So I end up driving round and making a daughterly fuss, sometimes to Dad's irritation. It's irritating and worrying at the same time :bang: :'(
Oh, I know it's probably me being meno-worried, but I can never go to bed at night without knowing he's fine.
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My mum and dad used to do that too Dulciana. As they lived 150 miles away I frequently had to enlist the help of a neighbour to make sure they were ok.
Taz x
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I was going to suggest the same. My mothers neighbours will knock on the door and tell her to hang up the phone.
It's happened countless times. Does he have an alert system or carers.....I know this sounds awful but if we don't hear from carers we know things are ok.
It's when mother calls in the middle of the night....she thinks she has picked up her alarm clock but has picked up the phone and called me or my sister. We then end up at her door in the wee small hours only to find her snoring.
We have been there and left and she has been blissfully unaware ::)
Sis is two mins away....I am half an hour...driving in pyjamas is not a good look.
Honeyb
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The pyjama look would have been an improvement on any middle-of-the-night rescue mission I might have undertaken - I don't wear any!!! ;D ;D
Taz x
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God grief.... Couldn't drive like that......Sod's law...I would be pulled over.
Not sure what the offence would be ...but it would be expensive ;D
Honeyb
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After a while a phone left off the hook emits a loud buzz or bleep and eventually an operator will check to see if the phone is off or whether the person is speaking ……..
Maybe he wants peace and quiet Dulciana? Does he get many irritating cold calls, maybe that's the way to approach it? Have a moan about how many cold call you get and that you might leave the phone off for a while ……..
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Thanks CLKD - my parents will not complete the 'many' forms I have got them for any help. They refuse to have anybody 'poking into their business'. So its just me, and sometimes my daughter when she is well enough.
Yes, mine are good at leaving the phone off too.
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So take a step back? otherwise you will, like many ladies on here, be drawn into a caring role at a time when you need to look after yourself! Find out the info for you, then sit back. I live miles from our family so Mum has had to engage with local services. She tells me that she doesn't want me 'wasting my time looking after her' but she has Narcissitic Behaviour Disorder, however, I took her at her word. She now uses the local bus/taxi service and doses herself with cold remedies as and when.
If I were to suggest that she instigate 'care' in any form even a chiropodist she flies off the handle :-\
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My mother would not hear the loud noise that the phone makes when it's off the hook and even if she did here it she wouldn't have a clue what it was ::)
If they refuse help then there is nothing you can do. My mother need more help than she currently gets.....a carer morning and evening....but she refuses....so she just has to struggle on because my sister and I simply can't do anymore than we do.
I have told my sister that I will not do overnight stays now....not at any point so mother would have to pay for overnight care if she needed it. Mother also knows this.
I do what I can but I know it's taking its toll on my health but I will carry on as long as I am able. Can't say fairer than that.
I would echo what CLKD says though. Don't take anything on that you are not prepared to do long term.....that's what's happened to me and once you start it it's impossible to step away.
Honeyb
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More carers die before those they care for :'(
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I've said this before....but my mother will see the rest of the family off....probably out of spite ;D
I am a work in progress but as I walk away from her house I try to forget her problems, otherwise it can be all consuming.
You have been very lucky with your mums health so far and long may it continue.
Honeyb
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I know. That's why, despite anxiety since she suggested in April us all going out to celebrate this month, we are going ::).
But as she has said over and over that she doesn't 'want to be a nuisance', I will make sure that she isn't - at least not to me ;)! She has 'friends' close to her who so far have picked up when necessary. The Paramedics are supportive in that area and she has been with the Surgery since the late 1950s. She's involved with Church and Chapel - hedging her bets then ;D
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I found that my mother was better physically and mentally up until she was 90, then it started to go downhill.
My mothers neighbours are all quite elderly too and almost all her friends have passed away.
So it's me and my sis with the help of carers. She says there is only one way she is leaving her house........feet first :o
Honeyb
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Got the box made ready then? ;)
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No but my sister has picked the undertaker....likes to be prepared ;D
Honeyb
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Thanks guys, I have become used to it - not so much of a problem 'most days'. I also have an Aunt to visit who is Dad's sister, just reminded me hearing about the narc behavoir, I know all about that one too. Said Auntie is stinking rich and now refuses to help me or my daughter in any, way shape or form as we will not 'conform' to the behavoir she wants. I have a pretty good idea she has written us out of the will too ;D Again, very foolish as there is only us to care for her in dotage too. Though she too will no doubt out live us for spite.
(whoops, I just lost half an hour after a 'quick look' on here)
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Does anyone know how long it takes for social services to come out after you have made a referral? I have finally managed to get my mother to admit that she needs help, she told them she wanted to go into a home and is scared of being on her own and cant cope anymore, we had a couple of phone call conversations and they said they would send someone out, that was 2 weeks ago, still nothing. I have even contacted her doctor and asked if he could chase it.........just wondered if anyone knew how long it usually takes...
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robotwars, I think it is different in each health authority so no way of saying how 'good' yours is. I know if it was mine I would be having to chase them up for a month before they did 'didly'. Help the Aged are pretty good with these things if you need help, again.. ours in my area is, you could try them for help and advice.
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I agree, chase them up and be there for the meeting....but be very careful as the more you say you can do the less they will.
If it's your mums choice to go into a home then you could organise some visits for her. Check reviews online. Church homes can be really very good.
Start bum kicking, those who shout loudest.... ::)
Let us know how it goes.
Honeyb
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Dulciana my mother used to struggle with phone and like you I would then have to drive down at night to check . So we put a camera in - double edge sword I'm afraid - at first it was great I could make sure she was seated by the phone before ringing plus I could keep an eye on her and in a way it gave me freedom as if she had company I didn't need to go down and I could check that on the camera. But it soon became a noose as as she got worse I could see her getting dressed at 2am or trying to turn the TV over with a comb, or crying, or looking sad or going out the front door. Drove me mad.
Social workers robot wars I think vary as the others have said, I think I was lucky with mine. My mother is totally opposed to going into a home despite the fact she thinks she is 35 with young children she doesn't feel confused, she just thinks the world looks strange and her family are mad!!
Oh the joys xxx
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Robotwars - you need to chase Social Services, and lay it on thick. When my mum first got carers, she had had a series of falls first thing in the morning, and needed a morning carer to help her get up and about safely (she was at her most unstable first thing) - despite Mum being classed as a high fall risk, it took 6 weeks to get her assessed for carers (and I rang Social Services at least twice a week in that time, asking how many times Mum had to fall before they would take notice).
Mum is now in residential care, and wants to move home (she's not happy where she is - the carers and lovely, but she's never made friends and just sits in her room all day, every day) - as she is LA funded, I have to get Social Services to approve a move (we only want her to move to another LA approved and funded home!) .... so I'm back to having to chase them up every few days, with nothing happening. >:(
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well quick update, I have telephoned social services every day for 2 weeks and today an occupational therapist came out, at least she has ordered some items to adapt the bungalow she lives in, now just need to get some practical help!!!! if you know what I mean....
groundhog I love the idea of the cctv camera.........as my mother is always leaving the phone of the hook as well, I did try getting her a mobile so that when she left it off the hook I could telephone the mobile but guess what she never answered it!!! LOL
Parents!!!!!!
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They resort to being children and we take on the parenting role. My mother is no longer capable of being a mother anymore. It's sad really.
I would hate to have a camera in my mothers home, I would never be able to switch off and she occupies enough of my time already ::)
Talking about time spent with parents......I think I'm going to have to cut back on the amount of time I'm there for a short while to give my back time to get a bit better. That's going to go down like a lead balloon. I foresee tantrums :-\
Honeyb
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HB - You have to give your back a while to get better.
Hopefully your sister will back you up.
Good luck when you break the news.
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Sis is on her holidays ::)
I feel as if I'm not careful I could make things a lot worse. Some stuff I can do but other things I just can't, like hoovering, floor washing and bathrooms. Just not going to happen. Hubby is stepping in at home and DD will do her bit.
Not sure what to do at all as my sis is not fit and carers won't do what I do....it's personal care only.
Bit of a problem to be honest.
Honeyb
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Can you get meals on wheels or equivalent to help? Or even frozen ready meals for a few weeks? I recall you saying that she had some problems with them in the past but you really need to look after your back and give it time to heal.
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I think the camera works well in certain circumstances, I too couldn't switch it off Hb and saw far too much which probably contributed to her now being admitted to hospital. I suppose it was only a matter of time though but having the camera meant we were seeing her sitting looking very sad or talking to herself and worse ( trying to smoke bits of paper).
I'm now having lots to think about re care homes. As she has a house she will have to pay although I think the first 3 months the house is disregarded. But after that there will be a £1000 a month shortfall. The council run homes and the new that charge up to social service level were awful - at least the ones we have seen. But it is right to put her somewhere where her savings will soon be gone to somewhere which is cheaper but far inferior. Am I overthinking again ?
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In my Mum's village there are couple of ladies who 'do' laundry etc. for those who require it, either short or long term. Is there something in your area Honeybun? who could do the cleaning chores? Have a look in your local 'village mags.' or on the notice boards in the village shops? AgeUK may have a list in your area of people who have been vetted who do chores, gardening etc..
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My mum and dad have got rid of the cleaner. Not up to mums very high standards. So they are back to a house getting dirty. I won't do it as mum hovers in the background, trying to take over. Only her way is right. She takes over even when I use the microwave or toaster! I'm only a mere 61, so obviously no experience in these things. ;D It's good I have sense of humour! Ah well, they can just get on with it.
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Good for you JuJu! That's my attitude too. Don't look a Gift Horse in the mouth >:(
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Sadly my mum passed away end of July. Reading some of these posts is like it was my mum. No camera but we knew she was doing silly stuff and were constantly worrying about it.
Eddie
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so sorry for your loss Eddie x
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My Mum (91) has a cleaning lady for 2 hrs a week. She is really nice and is someone Mum has known since she was a little girl. It's a private arrangement (I arranged it ;)) and she pays her from the allowance she gets which I can't remember the name of just now. ETA: Attendance Allowance!! ;)
Mums house always looks nice and tidy and clean and she doesn't have to worry about doing it now. She gets on my nerves because she is always moaning about the cleaner. "She uses up all my spray polish and the amount of kitchen roll she gets through is nobody's business." She has taken to fishing all the used kitchen paper out of the bin now and reusing it herself!! ::) I tell her off and warn her that she will upset the cleaner but she says "well I pay her £20." I point out that her allowance pays her!!
Then she goes on about the cleaner doing all the hoovering in her bare feet .... I must have heard that a million times.
We had a bit of a saga going on last year when the cleaner said she was going to be a grandma. Mum asked about her daughter who lives a few hours drive away, and asked what her husband did etc and she was told there was no husband. In fact there turned out to be no male partner either. well that totally confused Mum who later asked me how can she be having a baby if there's no man involved?" I then had to give her a lesson in lesbians, IVF etc. You can imagine how long that took!! ;D ;D
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:rofl: ………… did it shut her up or is she still wondering out loud ::) ?
Maybe have a word with the cleaner to suggest that she puts the rubbish into the dustbin ;-)
Sorry Eddie - was your Mum at home with carers?
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Sadly my mum passed away end of July. Reading some of these posts is like it was my mum. No camera but we knew she was doing silly stuff and were constantly worrying about it.
Eddie
sorry for your loss Eddie.
Xx
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:rofl: ………… did it shut her up or is she still wondering out loud ::) ?
Maybe have a word with the cleaner to suggest that she puts the rubbish into the dustbin ;-)
Sorry Eddie - was your Mum at home with carers?
Not really because apparently there was no such thing as homosexuals and lesbians when she was young. ;D
I never see the cleaner but I wouldn't say anything as she is so nice, does a good job and is reliable. Mum honestly couldn't have anyone better.
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Maybe your Mum is 'getting it off her chest' and you're in the firing line ::). Hard to shut off though.
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I had to listen to my mother telling the nurse who did her flu jab that this would be her last one as she wouldn't be here next year. I have heard this for years and it gets very tiring.....so much so I just tell her to stop her nonsense and be more cheerful.
She will 've seeing my kids tomorrow and she will start again. My sis and I try to head her off before she really gets going but heavens above I wish she would stop.
Honeyb
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Looking for reassurance but oh, it's so wearying ………. Mum can get her mind set on something and goes on and on and :-X
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I had to listen to my mother telling the nurse who did her flu jab that this would be her last one as she wouldn't be here next year. I have heard this for years and it gets very tiring.....so much so I just tell her to stop her nonsense and be more cheerful.
She will 've seeing my kids tomorrow and she will start again. My sis and I try to head her off before she really gets going but heavens above I wish she would stop.
Honeyb
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we get this every Christmas! This will be my last Christmas.
I picked my Mum up today at 9.45. Took her along the coast to do shopping. It was glorious and 17c unbelieveable for time of year. Pushed her all around shops in wheelchair then went to do supermarket shop. Then got lunch. Drove home and she mentioned her climbing rose needed pruning. She never just leaves me to it. She keeps telling me what to do and asking if I want the steps or the stool and why don't I wear gloves etc etc. You wouldn't believe I'm over 60!!! ;D
Then she says "I hope you're going to still do your walk this afternoon to keep your weight down!!!" I could have said "well I've just pushed you around and driven a 50 mile round trip." But I didn't. I came home and flopped on the sofa.
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You have said that to your Mum, PF, but with some humour! I hope you enjoyed your rest.
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Mine has realised not to offer more than steps/pruners/string more than once ;) and apparently for the last 2 years the roses 'have done very well with your pruning' - Praise intend!
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Apparently Wiltshire Farm Foods are no longer 'suiting' my Mum's Lifestyle ::)
Her lovely delivery man has now been incorporated into the kitchen (apparently) and the new man doesn't arrive when he says he will do. Also the company are planning on altering the day on which they delivery to her which doesn't suit, she's in on that particular day but not on a regular basis other days.
So I'm looking for similar ideas as she won't consider M&S ready to cook meals ::)
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How precise are they in their delivery times? Perhaps your Mum could alter the time she goes out around the delivery times.
You say they are "planning", it doesn't sound set in stone.
It might be worth you or OH giving them a call to find out exactly what is proposed and describe your Mum's situation to them.
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They currently deliver between 9.30-10.00 a.m. but since Sept. the time can be as late as 11.30-mid-day. Mum doesn't want to alter her receival day as she is out and about but she doesn't want to be hanging around all morning! They have written to Mum explaining that due to more customers they may have to alter the day on which they deliver from mid-February ………..
Most Companies I have looked at this morning on-line are e-mail order only ::) - but they are dealing with the elderly :sigh: Another promising company only delivers as far down as Lincoln ::)
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It's irritating when companies change things like that.
Given that your Mum doesn't do email, she may need to get used to sticking around till mid-day.
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You don't know my Mum ::) >:( …….. she has such a Busy Diary :lol: …….
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You don't know my Mum ::) >:( …….. she has such a Busy Diary :lol: …….
It's nice she has such a busy diary.
Perhaps it will keep her happily occupied whilst she's reorganising it around her new WFF delivery schedule :)
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Had a small Dad incident this afternoon. Not health-related and was quickly resolved. It's left me depressed, though, for no particular reason. On here for some moral support.
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Sorry to hear than Dulciana. What happened ?
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Just something he lost, groundhog.
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Oh bless him. I can empathise with getting depressed with such incidents. My mother is in a home as you know and she hates it - we all hate it. I leave there most days and cry all the way home. These problems of elderly parents generally coincides with meno when we are feeling most vulnerable.
Hope you're feel better soon and I hope he found what he lost xx
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I get irritable when I lose stuff, currently it's my reading glasses put to one side for mending and lost; plus my Driving Licence isn't where I thought it ought to be ……….. doest that make me an elderly relative :-\
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My Mum uses Wiltshire foods too, but she never goes out (aside from here and hairdresser once a week).
My issue with both my parents is they refuse to go to the GP, either of them. My Dad has started with an odd back ache that is giving him sleepless nights and Mum says he is also dropping weight. Mum has an entire list of extra ailments she will do nothing about too. Looking like I might have to put in a complaint at her surgery as she wont go due to her treatment by a GP last time, when she asked about having a blood test whilst there for flu jab and was told 'what do you think you need that for' so Mum didnt bother, with her congestive heart failure, tons of medication, frequent salt level drops and other meds she is meant to have them often, her heart specialist signed her over to the GP for future care and she does not get it...
Now I have written that down here, its obvious I will have to go ahead with that complaint.
Oh yes, not forgetting on Christmas Day they went out to Aunties and left the front door wide open all day, luckily we went back with them so DH could check for burglers. They are becoming more worrying each day.
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It really is a worry but it really is up to them as to how they live. You could have a word with the Practice and see if they have well woman/men clinics which would be suitable for your parents to attend - like "everyone is going, it's part of the National keeping us well idea" rather than trying to get them there - if it's your idea, it won't be a good one ;)
Your Mum doesn't get the 'care' because she won't go to the Surgery. These are the types of patients who clog up A&E and bed-block, because they don't think ahead; they don't believe that the ideas are 'for them' so when there is a crisis ::) …….
Their GP could of course drop by when passing to explain that he is a bit concerned that he hasn't seen them in Surgery recently …………. with a bit of prodding from yourself?
My Mum takes words to heart - if something isn't offered to mine she gets the huff - "He obviously is fed up seeing me in t he Surgery so won't offer *me* A/B/C/ " except she rarely goes *to* the Surgery ::). You really couldn't write it!
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It's depressing and upsetting seeing old age begin to really take over a person. Like my Dad. I'm quietly depressed and upset today. Need to play some music. :(
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What happened to your Dad?
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Just increasing signs of old age, CLKD. Slowing down a lot, "elderly" hand-writing, memory going, much less energy, that sort of thing. His university students knew him for charging up the stairs like a mountain goat! And we have a photo of him in his early concert days looking really dashing (words of our daughter's friend who transferred this pic professionally on to Dad's 90th birthday cake!). Time waits for no man........ :-\
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90 and still active although slowing down? Do you have lots of small chats about the past, does he sing?
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Yes, CLKD. He loves chatting about the past, which I don't mind even though we've had these chats lots of times before. Does he sing? No, not my Dad! Piano's his thing - he's been a professional musician all his life - so he plays a lot still, sometimes even in public. But it's the ordinary things that I see a big difference in, and that's sad.
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The vitality goes somehow doesn't it. I noted my Mum's hand writing has altered like it's got older ……...
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The vitality goes somehow doesn't it. I noted my Mum's hand writing has altered like it's got older ……...
My mums handwriting has altered too in the last year or so. She always had beautiful, neat handwriting but I look at her shopping lists now and a lot of it is in capital letters. She also makes spelling mistakes and she was always a very good speller.
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I know, Sparkle! His hand stretch has shrunk quite a bit so he can't play the bigger stuff that he used to, but he picks things that he can get his hands round - Mozart, "smaller" Chopin pieces, that sort of thing - and he adores playing for people. It's ironic that he can do this and yet find hand-writing a challenge. Life's funny..............
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Dulciana your Dad is pretty much 90, he can still get his brain around playing Mozart and Chopin. Ok his memory isn't what it was, mine hasn't been good since I was 40. Somebody very close to me has found his memory to be increasingly fragile and he's 70 with a Phd, your Dad isn't doing badly at all.
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Dulciana your Dad is pretty much 90, he can still get his brain around playing Mozart and Chopin. Ok his memory isn't what it was, mine hasn't been good since I was 40. Somebody very close to me has found his memory to be increasingly fragile and he's 70 with a Phd, your Dad isn't doing badly at all.
I appreciate what you're saying, Limpy. It's just watching the little downhill steps, as they start to affect my lovely Dad, that's hard. :'(
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Does it bother your Dad or is he accepting: if so, then make the most of the little moments. Does he go out to play for OA Clubs ?
I learned S/T but my hand writing is lovely - can't you tell ;) :P
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The change of handwriting in elderly people has been researched quite a lot. I became interested in it when my mum, who wrote lots of poems and magazine articles by hand, found it increasingly difficult to organise her handwriting. Letters began to be larger or smaller within a word. She found this frustrating. There is interesting info here about the brain and handwriting if anyone is interested http://www.dana.org/Cerebrum/Default.aspx?id=39304.
Taz x
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Had some good news yesterday.
Mum and Dad live in a nice road, with some lovely neighbours around. They have lived there since 1958. However, on one side they have the neighbours from hell. The house is divided into bed sits, despite the fact there are only 2 bedrooms and a box room. The occupants come and go and the behaviour is anti social; shouting, swearing, arguing, loud music, rubbish strewn around and people regularly visiting allegedly buying drugs. Dad can't park his car in the drive as they block him in. This all goes on night and day. Mum and Dad consider their loss of hearing a blessing under the circumstances. Police are regular visitors and earlier this year, there was a police raid and several arrests were made and evidence removed. ( Mum didn't need to watch tv that day!) The police went round to all the neighbours gathering any info. But still the problems continue. There was a meeting with the police and council and they were told little could be done, but that any complaints should be forwarded to them so they could build a case.
Some of the neighbours went to see the local MP and now the landlord has been given a court order to sell up, evict the tenants within 2 months. Hooray!
Why is it so difficult to do anything about situations like this, when the behaviour of a few makes such a negative impact on so many? But at long last something is being done and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe Mum and Dad can sit outside in their garden next summer! The house will be cheap as it is poor condition.
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That's really good news for your mum and dad Ju Ju. We had similar here with the house opposite us. The same thing happened although it wasn't possible for the court to force the landlord to sell the house. It took two years to get to court though. The judge ruled that it was not within human rights to force him to sell but that he could be made to only rent to responsible tenants. He has learnt from this and the family who are there now are lovely. The whole house had to be restored though - new kitchen and bathrooms, carpets, window frames. It was a right mess. They had been dealing from the house and also pimping out their fifteen year old daughter. Daughter now in care and mum and dad in prison for a while. It was a horrible few years. People think that nothing happens in sleepy villages!
Here's to a wonderful summer for your mum and dad!
Taz x
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Mmm! I wonder whether the judge would feel differently if he lived next door. Sadly the odds are in favour of the offenders rights, not that of other people's rights. It had occurred to me if we had to sell the house, so Mum and Dad had better care in the future, that it would have an impact on the price. The house next door is in very poor condition. For a long time, there was a huge pile of earth at the front, which had to be removed on environmental grounds, when rats moved in. I would love to know why they had been digging when there has been no building work!
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Cannabis farm? It happened in our village about 10 years ago ……………
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We had a cannabis farm just up the road from us. The whole house was gutted to allow for the hydroponic system. The owners were really upset that their house had been turned into a factory. They sued the letting agent successfully.
Yes Ju Ju maybe the judge should have to live with neighbours like that for a while. We had frequent police raids, a stabbing and a pushing out of a window episode. Like you there were rats in the garden. All of the fences fell down too. It's looking much better now.
Taz x
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When late M in L had rough people living next door in Council accommodation she would complain to us about the times the woman living there got hit by the partner but she refused to call the Police - she didn't want to be involved >:(. Even though she stood at the window behind the nets watching …………
However, by ignoring the situation she was involved because she was enabling the abuse to continue. She was worried that he would start on her ………… B in L is an ex copper and refused to give her advice or do any contacting himself to alleviate the situation. Eventually I phoned her local Council and explained how upset M in L was each time the girl appeared black and blue out of the ground-floor window and within 2 weeks they were moved ::). I never told M in L that I had phoned ……… by not phoning I was putting this girl's life at risk :-\ and I could not stand by and let it happen.
I did tell B in L when the subject arose pointing out that he could so easily have picked up the phone ………. and making sure that he was aware of the statistics at the time >:(
Police can now prosecute an abuser without the woman/man giving Evidence in Court, it is enough that the Police have been called to assist.
Apparently my elderly relative is busy over New Year, she's out to celebrate with friends, plans a lay in on 1st until mid-morning and then has 'things' to do ::)
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The change of handwriting in elderly people has been researched quite a lot. I became interested in it when my mum, who wrote lots of poems and magazine articles by hand, found it increasingly difficult to organise her handwriting. Letters began to be larger or smaller within a word. She found this frustrating. There is interesting info here about the brain and handwriting if anyone is interested http://www.dana.org/Cerebrum/Default.aspx?id=39304.
Taz x
That was a fascinating article Taz, thanks for sharing that one.
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Had some good news yesterday.
Mum and Dad live in a nice road, with some lovely neighbours around. They have lived there since 1958. However, on one side they have the neighbours from hell. The house is divided into bed sits, despite the fact there are only 2 bedrooms and a box room. The occupants come and go and the behaviour is anti social; shouting, swearing, arguing, loud music, rubbish strewn around and people regularly visiting allegedly buying drugs. Dad can't park his car in the drive as they block him in. This all goes on night and day. Mum and Dad consider their loss of hearing a blessing under the circumstances. Police are regular visitors and earlier this year, there was a police raid and several arrests were made and evidence removed. ( Mum didn't need to watch tv that day!) The police went round to all the neighbours gathering any info. But still the problems continue. There was a meeting with the police and council and they were told little could be done, but that any complaints should be forwarded to them so they could build a case.
Some of the neighbours went to see the local MP and now the landlord has been given a court order to sell up, evict the tenants within 2 months. Hooray!
Why is it so difficult to do anything about situations like this, when the behaviour of a few makes such a negative impact on so many? But at long last something is being done and a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe Mum and Dad can sit outside in their garden next summer! The house will be cheap as it is poor condition.
Great news! It is so unfair that things like this area allowed to ruin other people's lives.
We have some weird neighbours. We live down a tiny, quiet lane in a rural area. They've been renting it for about 2 years now. Prior to that a family lived there, hubby died, wife remarried and sold it and the new buyers are renting it out. The owners are what my Dad would have called "all talk" ;D ;D They came round here telling us what they were planning to do to it, how they were going to re shingle outside, paint the house, get lovely tenants etc etc. and they've done nothing.
It has gone SO downhill over the 2 yrs and looks a mess. the tenants are a young unemployed couple who never open the curtains, ever! You hardly ever see them outside maybe about 3pm she will come out in her pyjamas and let the dog do a wee. They have had a baby about 3 months ago and they never take it out in the daytime, but hubby did meet them one night about 9pm when it was cold and damp and they were walking it in the buggy in the dark!! They seem to sit indoors all the time watching TV with the curtains shut and getting their shopping delivered by Tesco.
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Cannabis farm? It happened in our village about 10 years ago ……………
No, we did joke about that. But I doubt it. Too many people living there. And the lofts are tiny. DH was involved in a cannisbas farm trial. ( in an official capacity, I assure you!!) so we know a bit about how they are run, plus the place has been searched thoroughly by the police. They would not have been allowed to return under those circumstances.
We did live opposite a house once, where there were strange goings on, house though newish, run down, lots of shouting and swearing in posh accents, which I found hilarious. Eventually, I heard the man, a solicitor, was arrested, convicted and sent to prison, though what for I don't know. Then I watched the bailiffs come and change the locks and all the disruption when the woman came home. The house had to be fumigated before being sold after being repossessed. We had nice neighbours after that. It was a relief as we knew we had to move. We would have lost money, even if we could have sold our house. Who would pay the going rate to live opposite that?
Life here is rather boring..... I think I like boring!
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The Police around here go over the County with a special camera shown from a helicopter so we always know when there's likely to be a raid ::)
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Does anyone else feel like this? When I'm with my Dad, I'm anxious but aware of him and his needs. When I'm out, doing something for myself, I'm absorbed in that thing and don't particularly think about Dad. But as soon as I'm back home, relaxing, I start getting all agitated, thinking about him, hoping he's not feeling lonely, or x,y or z. I feel guilty that I'm not with him and I feel I can't/have no right to completely relax in my own house. Then that horrible little gremlin, Resentment, starts creeping in - his independence, his activity and therefore his vulnerability; my being his only offspring living near him - and the tears start. I am freakish, a bad daughter? Sorry, just wanted to share this - safety net, you know...........
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It is what it is. You are not a bad anything. We find ourselves in these situations because we live further away from our families. In another country sometimes! Even if I lived closer to my Mum she is so busy I would still need to make an appt. to visit ::)
Do you ask him or would you get the "I'm OK, not lonely, plenty to do" answer? Once I've driven away from my Mum's she's out of my head, she has a good network of friends and her Church/Chapel …….. there is nothing I can do from this distance!
You have every 'right' to relax in your home. Remind me - does he have visitors, does he get out and about ……… AgeUK have good booklets on how to help our wrinklies etc., might be worth you having a look-see?
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Would your Dad want you to be worrying about him all the time?
My Mum's parting comment to me the other day was "Oh we do worry about you." Does this make me feel happy? Cared for? No, it's makes me feel responsible for their feelings.
You need to enjoy your life, relax and do things for yourself. Then when you see your Dad, you are more able to deal with whatever comes up. And forgive yourself for having resentful feelings.
After spending Boxing Day with my parents, I felt resentful that I am still having to deal with my Mum at my age and on my own as my sister died. Am I a bad daughter? No! They are just feelings. They pass. And more importantly I don't act on them.
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What do they worry about Ju Ju, have you asked them? It might be a reflex action from way back ::). Or is it a way of saying 'I love you'?
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Mum has always overprotected me. An extreme example is that while they paid for my sister to have driving lessons, Mum insisted I was too 'dreamy' and would have an accident, kill myself or someone else. She didn't learn to drive herself. Maybe this was because I was a sickly child and had learning difficulties at school (hindsight - aspects of dyslexia). She was a good mother when I was ill, but not when I was well.
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Having an unplesant spell with my mum, she has always been extremely independant and proud and has now at almost 90 yrs old developed bowel incontinence does anyone have any experience with this its really awful for the whole family.... :(
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Having an unplesant spell with my mum, she has always been extremely independant and proud and has now at almost 90 yrs old developed bowel incontinence does anyone have any experience with this its really awful for the whole family.... :(
Sorry to hear this Cassie. I would ask her GP to arrange a visit from a Continence Nurse who will be able to discuss matters with her, give advice and sort out what she need re continence pads (provided by the NHS) etc.,
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My suggestion too Cassie ………… also, there are bed protectors - maybe visit a mobility shop? - and I believe that some LAs will fund any extra laundry needs.
In case there is some underlying cause a GP should be consulted too. It may be lax muscles which may require a tightening operation ………… so chatting with a Professional is important. Is this at night or in the day as well? Has Mum altered her diet i.e. too much rich food recently?
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My Mum has bouts of this problem. She uses incontinent sheets and when things are bad, a commode by her bed. She doesn't suffer from obvious dementia, but doesn't always work out solutions to issues. For eg., she was worried about having an accident when going to a hospital appointment. I suggested wearing incontinence pads or pants ( already had some of course). She hadn't thought of that! It's not easy being scrupulous when you are old, frail and ill. So difficult.
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Thankyou ladies just waiting to get through the silly season then will get her seen to. I purchased some protective pull up diaper type water proof pants for her, she is very much withit in all other aspects and very embarrassed. It seems to be semi permanent no matter what she eats and has started up about 3 weeks ago after a spell in hosp for a UTI....wishing you all a very enjoyable new years eve.
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Cassie - your mom could have picked up an infection in hospital. I would have a word with the GP about this and have a stool test done. Also it could be that her gut bacteria has been upset by the antibiotics and something like acidophilus tablets (Holland and Barrett/Healthspan) might help. Hopefully this incontinence will just be temporary. Please let us know how she gets on. x
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Thankyou Jenna, funnily enough my hubby muttered something similiar about a poss infection so will def get a test done and let you know, much appreciated. I do give her a good probiotic so am hoping its not permanent. x
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Try to get a continence nurse to attend, must less embarrassing if a Professional is present and talking to someone who deals with similar on a daily basis gives the patient confidence! It is important to get stool samples sent off ASAP . Let us know how you get on!
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Dad rang last night. Mum's ill again with hives and crashing low blood pressure. He believes the trigger was hearing of the death of a close friend, the second this week. She collapsed while on the commode and fell on the floor. Dad couldn't get her up for about 30 minutes when she came to. Dad had been told to ring 999 when this happens, so she could be put back into bed, but last time he did this, they took 3/4 hour to get there. To add to the stress, Dad has lost his sense of smell and trod in the spilt contents of the commode and walked it around. Poor man had a lot of clearning to do. I worry about him as much as Mum. He's 90. There's not much I can do other than be at the end of the phone for Dad. He doesn't normally talk much, but is able to offload to me. So have some uses! At least they know the pattern of what to expect and how she will recover. She takes about a week to feel reasonably ok, with the first 2 days hardly able to move out of bed, eat or drink. It seems to happen every 1-2 months.
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Oh dear ju ju .... Thinking of you!
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Always difficult. Would your Dad agree to a list of 'reminders' ? You could explain that Tim Peak who recently walked outside the Space Station had reminders in a list strapped to his write ;-). Everything they do outside the Station has to be in a particular order, so talking around this and then dropping in the suggestion that maybe a reminder list taped to the bathroom, door, the side of the commode and anywhere that Dad looks at on a regular basis? Would be useful for many of us probably!
Maybe a carpet cleaner - one can hire them from DIY stores i.e. B&Q, Homebase?
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Bit confused, CLKD. Reminders for what? As far as I can tell from talking to him, he did everything he could. I doubt I could have done better, though I would have probably smelt the contents of the commode! :-\
What he does need is nursing help with Mum and a means of lifting her, when she has an attack, but she doesn't need or want care the rest of the time. I shall do some ringing around on Monday, but suspect it will be difficult to arrange help just here and there when she gets an attack. At least they could afford private help if available.
He was up several times in the night, assisting her in and out of bed to use the commode. She is now able to call him. Earlier, she was screaming and calling out incoherently. He says it was frightening. In the past, she has been admitted to hospital, but they don't or can't do anything medically for her and discharge her as soon as possible. Hospital stays are traumatic for both of them.
I did Google the effects of sudden low blood pressure. Other than collapsing as she does, she is in danger of having a stroke. She had one years ago and takes appropriate medication, which is left off during an attack. She is 88 and I agree with Dad she is better at home if possible. I think they would rather be at home if she died. They've lived there since 1958.
Dad has a chronic back problem and hurt it trying to lift her. I can talk to him about leaving her on the floor, just making sure she is breathing and warm, until she can help him move her. She becomes incontinent during these attacks. Dad wondered where all of it comes from when she's not eating! He has been able to give her rehydrating drinks at least.
It's so distressing when this happens. It helps to think more clearly when you write it down. Thanks for your support.
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When my Dad was becoming frail Mum would dial for the Paramedics. They would attend and assist. When he was stuck in the bath they advised her on the phone to pull the plug, wrap him in blankets and towels until they got there. After assessment once he was in bed it was decided that he didn't need to go to the Hospital. In the next couple of years she called them for advice several times.
Did you mean 3/4 hours or three-quarters of an hour? Was your Dad able to ring for assistance this time? Maybe ring for the 'out of hours' GP if the Ambulance doesn't arrive if your Mum has this happen again?
The list of reminders would have the telephone numbers to hand :-\ and would reassure him that it's OK to ring for help. Making sure that your Mum is kept warm - ……. at the very least the Paramedics can help lift as if your Dad's back becomes worse ??? Would your Mum wear incontinence pads at night 'in case'?
Are there support Nurses who would do an 'over-night' stay? Do your parents have room for someone to stay over? I believe that they do the care whilst your Dad got some sleep so that he doesn't have to keep 'an ear' out. Maybe looking at the various leaflets that AgeUK print or ask Macmillan/Marie Curie Nurses for advice on what is available in their area, or ring a few 'care' Homes?
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Oh, yes, all covered! It was three quarters of an hour! Mum's slowly recovering and Dad sounded more upbeat this evening. They will have been married for 66 this year. I emphasised that on no account should he even attempt to move her in future. He sat on the ground with her head on his lap. I have got him to agree to ring for an ambulance if she remains out of it longer than 20 minutes. For his sake rather than hers. She would rather die in her own home. He couldn't get her to take the antihistamines this time, as she has read the side effect list and is now convinced that they are causing the illness. The fact they have helped with the hives, if not the low blood pressure problem before was neither here nor there. Mmm.......a conversation for when she is better and thinking more logically. The doctors have never come across symptoms like this.
I made an off the cuff comment to my DD to put me out of my misery if l was ever that ill. She said she always fancied going to Switzerland ........! Daughters!
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May I giggle ……… [don't need to go there 2-day as we have SNOW] ;)
Shock can cause low blood pressure. Maybe when your Mum gets out of bed she should sit on the edge with legs hanging down for a few moments so that she hasn't stood up too quickly? Would it help to put on a gentle alarm so that she wakes before her bladder is insistent? which might give her time to 'go slower'?
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There seems to be a pattern to this illness. It started this time the following day, not immediately. They seem to know how it will progress, but the start can be sudden, though usually the hives start gradually giving time to prepare. They are as prepared as much as possible now for low blood pressure to fall. Mum doesn't get out of bed without my Dad's assistance. Which means he's up and down several times through the night. However, collapsing and falling off the sturdy commode was a new one! Hopefully, she's a bit better today. I shall ring later.
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Let us know how they are !
Could it be a reaction to something she eats a few days prior or even to the packing of any medication she takes?
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Mum rang this evening. She's recovering much quicker than other times. She sounded alert, just tired. She's been able to read the books I've given her. So relieved. I'm just hoping she's ok at the end of next month, when my son comes for a visit. My parents will get the chance to meet their new great granddaughter for the first time.
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Thanks for the up-date. Was a-wondering ::) ……… your son won't be dropping by your parents' suddenly so she ought to be OK ;)
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I'm so sorry to hear about your poor Mum and Dad. It's awful when you don't know when it's going to happen again. Is it worth keeping a food diary in case something she is eating is a trigger?
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I suspect one of the cocktail of drugs she takes. She was taken off some the drugs under supervision, but still had attacks. The hospital had no answers and her doctor has been consulting others, but no one has a clue. The hives are unpleasant, but it's the crashing blood pressure that is dangerous in it self and because she collapses.
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Regarding the key - my parents had a key-safe fitted (my cousin is a police officer and he advised them to do it, and which type to get - I'm sure your local police would help out with advice). A spare key was kept in the little safe by the door and the ambulance service and police had a record of the combination, so they could easily gain access in an emergency. When Dad died and we got Mum a pendant alarm, the control centre also had the key-safe number so they could give it emergency services, or to their mobile warden who responded to calls when possible (ie - when they could get a response from Mum so knew what had happened and whether emergency care was needed). Mum and dad's next door neighbours also had the key-safe number (we'd known them years and fully trusted them) - it was a real reassurance knowing that access to be gained to the house at any time.
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Oh don't get me started on the key-box by the door ::) - because there have been burglaries in Mum's village (November) she's decided to put the keys into both back and front doors over-night - "I know that no one will be able to get in with the spare key but it's better than being burglad" :-\ >:( ……..
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Yes we're talked through the'drill' of what to do when Mum collapses. Keep her warm, until she comes to and is able to help herself up with him steadying her. Wait no longer than 1/2 an hour before ringing 999 for emergency help.
The first time this happened he called next door. The chap and his daughter, a physio, who was staying came in to help lift her with no success. They had to wait for the paramedic, who took 3/4 of an hour to arrive, non emergency. A lady came with a blow up cushion thing apparently.
Mum seems to get better a bit quicker now, but then she was also dealing with duodenal ulcers (20 years of aspirin following a stroke), but these have now healed.
Just read CLKD's post. With all the problems going on with other neighbours, they won't agree to a key box.
The neighbours have a spare key and the chap is retired. It might be wise if someone else they trust nearby had a key as well. I live an hours drive away and they wouldn't dream of calling me because of health issues. But the fact that Dad likes to phone or me to phone at least twice a day while things are bad, gives me a role. He offloads to me and I listen and suggest things and tell him off if he's not looking after himself.
I think he's becoming organised now, but that doesn't help when Mum is screaming incoherently. I think he panics in the moment, which is understandable. Going over things with helps. As I told him, if he hurts his back he won't be able to care for Mum. They want to stay together. Neither of them have dementia, but old age seems to dull their thinking at times, plus they don't like asking for help. Well Mum's recovering and hopefully she'll be back to her frail normal by the end of the week.
And yes, stellajane, I agree that trying to analyse things is probably pointless. She doesn't want tests etc. It is as it is. She has long out lived all her siblings, lived longer much longer than her parents etc. Maybe testament to careful management of their finances, a solid marriage, long friendships and their church community.
Thank you all for being there for me to offload to.
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You are very welcome :bighug:
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http://promedica24.co.uk
Found the above in a magazine over the weekend. May be worth having a look-see if one is caring for relatives. I have book-marked it ;) - in case :-X
How's your parents Ju Ju?
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Thank you, CLKD.
Mum is recovering from yet another episode, triggered by a virus caught from Dad. Fortunately, it started in the daytime. She starts with copious amounts of diarrhoea and has to be helped onto the commode as she cannot negotiatate the short journey to the bathroom when her BP crashes. Lots of clearing up for Dad who was recovering himself, but he was more upbeat. The silver lining of losing his sense of smell is that he couldn't smell it as he sorted things! Also she seems to follow a pattern, so he doesn't panic now. She did collapse on the floor, but he only had to wait for 10 minutes before she rallied enough to help him get her up. She rang me last night to prove she is on the road to recovery. We hope she is well enough to come here here at the end of the week to meet her great granddaughter, as my son, his wife and GD are here till then. Other members of the family will come too. Otherwise they will go to see them.
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AAAH - so there is a trigger i.e. the sudden onset of diarrhoea. No wonder she feels so weak! still nasty to endure though. What's causing the onset :-\ ……… medication, lots of extra fruit ………. any ideas?
Things are usually a bit 'better' in the day time 'cos we have the ways of getting help more quickly.
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They reckon that emotional upset and other illness will trigger an attack. The doctors haven't come across this before. It start with hives, crashing BP, diarrhoea, nausea and vomiting and collapse. She is completely out of it the first day, unable to eat. Dad makes sure she drinks a bit. It takes a week to get back to her frail normal.
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Mum is frail, but when not ill, she is able to look after herself. She doesn't qualify for care or want it. Dad looks after her, but she does most of the cooking and Dad does what he's told. But they do love each other. They will have their 67th wedding anniversary in April. She had a stroke at 66 after the death of her brother and a couple of close friends. An example on how not to behave when faced with trauma. She had to take charge and do everything immediately herself. The effect of the stroke continues to undermine her physically more and more. She's 88 now.
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Now I'm confused :-\ - doesn't take much ……….
Sudden attack of an upset stomach, up or down, is likely to lower the BP fast. Awful for all concerned.
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What are you confused about CLKD? ( ;D join the club!)
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You said that your Mum started with the runs then the BP drops - which is to be expected. In your next post you changed the events :D
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Perhaps it's difficult to tell which comes first the drop in blood pressure or the runs.
Don't suppose it would have been that easy to measure blood pressure given the situation.
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:-\ …….. even more confused ……… for me, it's the dash to the loo and the sudden expelling that causes me to feel faint, hot/cold/shivery …….. not a bug but feels similar so the suddenness catches me out. Fortunately it doesn't happen often >phew<
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Mum starts with hives as a warning from top to toe, then diarrhoea, crashing BP with collapse, delirium, vomiting in no particular order or altogether. This time it all kicked off in the day time, which meant it was easier for dad to deal with as he is more alert. She will collapse on the way to the commode which is by the bed. Ideally, she shouldn't stand, but uttered is no choice. Dad has to help her. I should think the very low BP and diarrhoea combined cause her to collapse. I haven't as yet been there to help. She times it with me out of the country, recuperating from an op or being ill! I do my bit by being on the end of a phone for my dad.
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It's probably a bit simplistic, but my understanding of hives is that they're often caused by an allergic reaction so I was wondering if there was time between them appearing and the other symptoms for your Mum to take an anti-histamine, or maybe she could take an anti-histamine on a daily basis? As I said it's probably too simplistic, and I'm sure the doctor would have suggested if it was an option.
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She has various medications and her GP has tried taking her off some, but this has been tricky and rather a balancing act. She's 88 and frail and we are all keen to keep her out of hospital as this is traumatic for her and they are able to do little. She's better off at home. She takes antihistimines as soon as the hives come, but I doubt she would be prepared to take them all the time as they make her feel dopey. They only help with the discomfort of the hives, not with the other symptoms. Her GP has consulted other doctors, but they have never come across this before.
She has long outlived her siblings and is much older than previous generations of her family. She was so ill early last year, we prepared ourselves for her dying, but she surprised everyone by recovering. To be honest, I'm as much concerned for my Dad, who will soon be 91. It's hard work clearing up after her being incontinent and vomiting during the early stage of an attack. He can't sleep much for a few nights.
At least, there seems to be a pattern to what happens, so they know what to expect, prepare and not to panic now. Dad rings me for support when it happens. He doesn't talk much normally, so there is a silver lining as we have got a bit closer. They are being philosophical about this. They are glad she is still here. Mum told me that when she nearly died last year, she was very scared before being rushed to hospital. My dad held her and told her that this was the next great adventure. She took great comfort in this. I think that is beautiful.
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They obviously adore each other ;-). I don't understand 'hives' :-\ (off to do a GOOGLE) ……. at their age they probably don't want to be hauled between different Specialities to find out a hidden cause. It would be nice to know …….. sometimes though there is no specified reason :sigh:
If your Mum remains well in-between 'attacks' that's a huge bonus.
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Worried about Dad. He's keeping very active but getting dozy. I'm the only one of the four of us who lives near him but I'm busy too. Know we've all got to go some time, but getting a bit upset and scared about him. He does too much and we can't stop him. :(
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Would your Dad make a list of 'things to do' each evening Dulciana, ready for the following day? It helps me ;-). In the mean time, have a look see what extra care is available in your area, in case.
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The problem is, CLKD, he goes out and about, at times when I can't go with him. :-\
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I can't remember if he goes to/with friends? Does he have identification on him if something bad happens? I bought Himself some bracelets and some tags to go into his shoes and cycling helmet from the Company that sells 'SOS' bracelets. Personal details are written on and medics know to look in the appropriate places. Would your Dad be open to the suggestion?
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Mum and Dad managed to come here today to meet their great granddaughter for the first time, along with my niece. GD was very responsive, as she loves being around people, so it was a lovely time. I did the catering amongst all the chaos and wonderful DH cleared up. I'm exhausted! There was a bit of juggling as to who could have a nap in my bedroom where the curtains block the daylight....nanny or baby! But we managed.
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How lovely. Lots of photos taken?
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Achybones - narcissitic - your Mum?
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What a shame Achybones. My son sees my Mum as a duty, for good reason, but my DIL comes in like a breath of fresh air and no emotional issues, just charms them. And you would have to have a heart of stone not to fall for my little GD! Our GS was there too ( Mum at work) and very happy too. My parents had brought him a John Deere dump truck, which was played with all day, some what jealously guarded away from GD. Well he is 3! DG actually started moving forwards instead of backwards to everyone's delight.
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How's your Mum?
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Last night, she sounded poorly, but from having a nasty virus, not the usual. As she said with this she can go to the loo next to her bedroom unaided and wash. Just a matter of rest and patience.
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At least it didn't develop again into what she suffers regularly. Lots of fluids?
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Well I've got her a bottle of wine for Mother's Day! Will that count? She can't indulge in chocolate, but will have a glass of wine with Dad with lunch at the weekends, when she's ok. Actually, they don't seem to drink enough. I drink far more and even their mugs are small. They refuse drinks when I put the kettle on. I don't think they have ever drunk a lot.
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Where on Earth do you live? Social Services will do a free assessment of needs which should be your first call. There are a shortage of care homes across the UK due to Government insistence on various alterations to properties etc. a few years ago causing privately owned places to shut. Also, due to Quality Control finding that people are being abused, left in wet beds, not given enough to drink or the places being under-staffed, it may be in your area that this is the option available now. To have extra carers at home.
There are Companies that provide day and night care, I did post a Link I think ……. which is paid for. Or is there an ex-Nurse who could stay with your Dad over-night?
This is the reason for bed blocking. Not enough 'care Homes :sigh:
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Tiggergirl :-\
how's your parents Ju Ju?
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:bighug: Stellajane. It is such a worry isn't it?
CLKD, Mum's ok at the moment. My parents are planning to come here on Monday. I would go there, but while dad can still drive, they like to come here as a day out.
They had great excitement the other night. They in a once quiet, pleasant cul de sac of privately owned houses. On one side of them are the neighbours from hell. The house has been divided into bedsits, though not a very large house. Problems have been ongoing for years. Noise, loud arguments, swearing, rubbish strewn on the property and along the road, people coming and going at all hours of the day and night, possibly drug dealing. The police have been regular visitors, police raid, arrests, meetings with the council..... It's been a long saga. A week or so ago mum and dad were interviewed by a very nice young policeman, gathering evidence from everyone in the road. Then a few nights ago, the police arrived again with spotlights, cctv camera etc. The house has been searched thoroughly again, this time with a dog, then the closed down for 3 months. Neighbours have been instructed to ring 999 if anyone tries to enter the house. The hope is the owner will sell, not that he would get a lot for the house as it is in such a poor condition. Ripe for redevelopment and investment. Here's hoping! Well mum and dad had no need for the TVs that night!
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my late MIL laid in the same bed in the same room looking at the same walls for 2 years and her mind was totally intact. If it had not been for her friends and family making sure someone went in every day, twice a day sometimes, she would have had only the overworked, hard pressed, mostly foreign staff for company and they couldn't loiter in her room, although they often did as she was such a lovely lady and they liked chatting to her as most of the residents didn't know which way was up.
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Just back from taking my Mum out shopping, lunch etc. I am quite tired. She enjoyed it she said and we sat and watched people while we had lunch which she loves doing! ;D
She always waits until just as I'm leaving then she will bring up something she wanted doing. Today it was a planter to swap over on Dads grave. I said "I'm coming over on Fri to take you shopping and get your hair done so we'll do it then. Unless of course you ask one of the others (meaning my 2 brothers) to do it." She gave me a look just like Father Dougal (on Father Ted) and didn't speak for a minute. Then she said "oh I'd rather you and I did it because if I ask anybody else then I don't get to go and see it."
I said "well why don't you just ask one of them to TAKE YOU to the churchyard.?" :o
I Live about 10 miles away and they both live about 3 miles from her!!
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that's the difference between daughters and sons. our daughter sees what might be needed and uses her initiative whilst our son will do anything you ask but you have to ask :)
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PF - Perhaps you should ring your brothers and ask/tell them to help.
I know you will have to give precise details but it could save you a drive.
Oh and it might prod them into thinking a bit about what your Mum needs.
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StellaJane - Hospitals aren't much better sadly :'(. I could write a book. Surfice to say that I have seen bell cords out of reach of patients = messy beds followed by the Consultant berating the 92 year old man for soiling his sheets. Himself had to fetch a Nurse to help this particular man when his bell wasn't answered. The Nurses were talking at the Nurses' Station and scattered when Himself appeared to ask for help. 'protected meal times' - that was so that family/visitors couldn't see that the food trays were placed where patients were unable to reach and patients who couldn't feed themselves went hungry. Trays were removed without the Nurses asking why food hadn't been touched. Don't get me started on the 'caring' profession :'( :bang:
I fed this particular man a couple of times, a Nurse appeared and began to bleat on about 'protected meal times' so I pulled rank! she scuttled away. He cried ……….
Trouble is when our wrinklies age so does their Peer Group so there are less friends to visit. :sigh: ……. and with a mobile society less relatives are available.
Glad your parents have had some excitement, better than East Enders etc. ;-)
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PF - Perhaps you should ring your brothers and ask/tell them to help.
I know you will have to give precise details but it could save you a drive.
Oh and it might prod them into thinking a bit about what your Mum needs.
No point Limpy. One just grunts and the other won't speak to me. Families hey?
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Sadly though they will be in at the end ……..
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Sadly this was in a Ward of 'well' patients apart from them having fallen and sustained injury. They were all capable of feeding themselves but the neglect in not placing the trays so that they could reach was criminal. It took me to suggest that I contact my Journalist Friend from the Daily Telegraph for the Staff to see that actually, I was serious!
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After years of trying I finally got my Dad to agree to visit Age UK last week to see what help they can get. This is because their boiler is on its way out and they cant afford another. We now have 2 lots of lovely people coming out to help them and finally get them what they are entitled. Hopefully they will now get their pension credits sorted out, some sort of carers allowance, and a new boiler. My Dad is getting frailer and is now admitting he needs help in the house so DH has been round to do what needs doing too. We have been trying to give them more help for a long time and they are now accepting it.
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That's good news SL …….
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That just jogged my memory SL. Once my mum became entitled to Attendance Allowance it opened the floodgates. She had a brand new boiler, handrails fitted to front and back doors, a bath seat, and a handrail in the bathroom, plus the offer of indoor and outdoor walking frames, a wheeled trolley to put her meals on to wheel from kitchen to living room etc etc etc. Attendance Allowance is definitely the key!
Thanks Stellajane, that does sound promising. Thanks also to Sparkle and CLKD :)
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:tulips:
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Picking brains time! Mum has had carers in to help her bath twice a week: in case she slips . But the arrangement doesn't seem to be working ::) so my question is: has anyone's elderly family member decided to get rid of the bath for a shower enclosure or walk-in bath?
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My mother swapped her bath for a shower. She got one which had a seat so she could sit if she needed, but the seat folded up if not required. She found it much easier than getting in / out of the bath.
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:thankyou: are you able to remember the Company or was it fitted locally to your Mum? I have sent for the AgeUK Brochure as a start, bet mine will throw up her hands in horror :D
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can the social services help? They can often get involved if and when adaptations need to be made to keep an elderly person in their own home. They helped our elderly neighbour a lot and she never had to leave her home.
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Mine did this a few years back as neither of them could get in the bath. Cant help though as we had work done locally, but it was brought up during the Age UK visit, so not sure if they will actually do work, issue a grant or what? depends on your Mums circs.
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My mum's shower was installed by a local plumber. It was around 10 years ago, and he had a brochure of options for people with mobility issues. She did consider the seat to lower her into the bath but decided the shower would be easier in the long term. She was the one who suggested it, and also the one who found the plumber and arranged the installation.
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:thankyou:
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2nd visit from Age UK today, this time the financial lady. She sent off for two packs of Attendance Allowance forms as she is pretty sure they both qualify, which will then give them the right pension credits so they can afford glasses and dental visits again. I feel sad it has taken me this long to persuade them to do this as they are both now in such poor health. Mum already has a blue badge and the lady is fetching a form for my Dad when she returns to help them fill in the forms, as she is quite sure he is entitled to one too.
Good news is my friend has now convinced her parents to do it too, so at least another lot of deserving elderly will get some help too.
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Surely opticians and dental care are free :-\. I haven't paid for either since I was 60.
One can put ideas to them but can't force issues onto their daily lives. It is better from a stranger but how to get the stinger into the house initially!
As an aside - my Mum, who keeps the door locked during the day (now) and puts a chain on at night, apparently bought off a door-to-door 'sad story' ex-con ………. a set of hankies, like she needs them as she uses tissues :bang: :bang: :bang: this is a woman who won't have 'just anyone' over her doorstep >:(
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Mum didn't seem at all worried that he was probably a 'con' - she fell for the sob story, but other times we have to wait until she answers the locked door >:( even when she is expecting us to call.
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We have not had any of these cold callers since we put a polite 'no callers thank you' notice on out front window and another on our door.
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We haven't recently ……. for a while a white van would dump lots of 'ex prisoners' in the village for about 3 hours then pick them all up again. The Police put a stop to it all.
A year after Dad died Mum picked up some guys and a few gals from Romania (I think). She heard them talking about football when she was riding on a bus and got talking to them. Somehow they got invited to her house whereas we weren't made welcome ……. about 10/12 kept turning up, she would make tea/coffee and discuss all types of family issues. We happened over there 1 afternoon when they were at her house, they then realised that she wasn't alone. They wanted money to help with their fares home but didn't seem bothered when she said that she was saving her money for the grandchildren :-\.
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Thats right Stellajane, they get the eye tests but not the spex or dentals. I could never understand why they were on the lower rate as they have struggled for years, now I get it - I think my Mum told them off a windfall she had many years ago, its long since gone now, we all got new white goods and other luxuries, I think she has saved some for funeral costs but that is all. Only way I got them to agree to Age UK after all this time was because the boiler is on the blink and they need a new one, or they would have carried on struggling.
Mine never get conned on doorstep as they rarely bother to answer the door, infact I dont think they actually hear it most of the time. My daughter and I have keys.
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Mum has a key box by the back door. But there's no way of checking who has the entry number >:(
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My Dad is 90 and still independent, lives at home and enjoys life, etc. I'm the only one of four siblings who lives anywhere near him and worrying about him is wearing me out. I'm always thinking, "What if he does this?" and "What if he does that?" My hubby, daughter and siblings all think I worry about him too much. Dad thinks the same. I'm a natural worrier, always have been. He's got lots of friends looking out for him and he has lots of interests. He's also still coping in his house. My sister compared him to her MIL and says there's no comparison. He's apparently doing much better. Me? I'm losing sleep with worry about him, and tired during the day as a result - too tired to do anything "interesting" with Hubby this afternoon, even though we were completely free. Daughter's concerned I'll make myself ill; so's Hubby. I don't know how I should be feeling. I'm like a mother hen, I really am. I feel guilty at the thought of switching off and not thinking about him. He had a cold this week, although he seems a lot better now. But you should have seen me! I fussed around him for a couple of days and then I went down with the same thing. And all the time I was unwell, I was worrying about him, which made me feel worse. It's all making me feel neurotic and depressed when I'm at home and near him. (I'm better when I'm out and/or involved in music.) Isn't that awful, though? My poor Hubby. I just don't know what to do - I don't know how much time I'm actually allowed to think about myself, my own interests, Hubby, daughter............what would my mother think if she knew there were times when my attention wasn't on Dad? But who's more vulnerable - him or me? It's difficult to put into words but I don't know how I should be, as his physically-closest family member. I long for my siblings to visit, to take the (self-imposed) emotional pressure off me.
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Well there's just me to look out for mum and dad, but they do have each other.
Dad cares for Mum, who is frail, but she tells him what to do! I do go to visit when I'm able to, but not that often this year as the trip knocks the stuffing out of me at the moment. The journey and dealing with 2 people with failing hearing. They come here when they can. (Dad is 90 and due to have his driving license reviewed again). You have to have a sense of humour when they get the wrong end of the stick! Mum wears her hearing aid, but Dad can't bear to. He finds it uncomfortable and the sound is undiscriminating. He has suffered from tinnitus for years. (Probably the result of surviving his home being bombed in the war). I visited on Saturday. They were delighted. We had some funny conversations at cross purposes!
Mum has seen a consultant re her frequent attacks, hives, followed by crashing BP , collapse, diarrhoea, incontinence and vomiting following infection or stress. They had never come across her particular symptoms, but took it seriously. She has been prescribed low dose antihistermine daily, to be doubled if she has hives, plus blood tests to check liver and kidney function etc. Mum doesn't cope with stress. She goes over the top. Always has done. She had a stroke at age 66, following several bereavements, despite having BP in the ideal range up to then. Dad said she got into a state because she thought she had mislaid the paper work for the blood tests. Dad is perfectly capable of sorting things out, but there is no reasoning with mum when she gets like this. Dad thought they were in for the usual attack, but maybe the antihistermines are working, as she didn't. Oh and the paperwork was where she left it!
I find Mum very difficult to deal with. Dad loves her and relies on her. I am concerned what will happen when one of them dies. They will have been married 67 years later this month. Im glad they have quality of life together still and in their own home. Mum hates me going abroad, but I refuse to wait until she's dead! I'm 62 for goodness sake. She could go on for years yet! Mum will be 89 and Dad 91 this year.
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Dulciana - what's the worst that could happen? You are far too close ::) so all the worry lands on you. Would he visit your siblings to give you some 'time off'? If all your family feel that you are worrying too much about him then it is up to you to step back. Maybe you are better when something is 'wrong' in a funny kind of way?
I can't worry about my Mum (89) 'cos she's 2 hour's drive from us and she doesn't want me there anyway. It's hard work visiting when she agrees to see us :-\.
I hope Ju Ju that the anti-histamines help your Mum. 'unknown' cause is often the basis of many conditions ::) so it's a case of managing the most obvious symptoms. Would your Dad have a 'lesson' with the Advanced Driving whatever they are? Does he drive very far?
My will ring in the morning - it's the only time she does.
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S - embracing risk is fine.........until you're actually faced with it.
Ju Ju and CLKD - thank you. It's helpful to get some support and empathy. :thankyou:
I tend to anticipate things going wrong, that's my problem. And yes, I think it's because he's all on his own and it's all on my shoulders.
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Dulciana, we can't help worrying about our parents as they age. I suspect my sister would have been more of a worrier than me.
Dad used to drive confidently and well. I remember him passing his driving test at the age of 35 first time of course. He then bought his first car, an old Riley with running boards, no heating and air conditioning from holes in the roof! If he had room to keep it, it would have become valuable. He went through a stage of dangerous driving before cataract ops. He shouldn't have been allowed to drive, but things improved afterwards. Now he drives with great care, but I am reluctant to be driven by him. I always find a reason to be the chauffeur, even though I have borrow DHs car. I can't fit both of them in my Smart car! Mum won't agree to sit in the boot! He only drives familiar routes, like to church and shopping and here, though the journey here is not easy as it on a busy motorway. I'm worried about when he can't drive as they live too far for away for me to help on a day to day basis. But I suppose we will deal with that when it happens. Members of his family have lived beyond a hundred. Mums a medical miracle!
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Dulciana, I understand totally. There is just me to care for my parents and I am lucky (I think) that I live 5 mins away, but they are a constant worry. I tell myself over and over 'dont think about it, worry helps nothing' and try keep busy and my mind occupied or I would go totally bonkers. My Dad is now 77 and should not be driving, I too try to be chauffeur as often as possible, My Mum stopped driving years ago.
Here is an example of my parents...
Mum says to me last week, "Remember last August when I wanted to talk with you?" Strange as this seems I did not, as I struggle to know what day it is half the time ::) So she then says " I think I have Angina, been having chest pains and jaw/back pain"... so this has gone on for 8 months now and she has said nothing, she is already in congestive heart failure diagnosed 3 years back. She finally made an appointment with the practice nurse on Wednesday as she hates the GP, so this morning I have begged, pleaded and in the end darn well insisted I go with her and tell the nurse.. Mum does not want my Dad to know or he will worry :o and of course his health is not great either.
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I expect your Dad knows already ::) - tell your Mum that you will tell your Dad because you can't stand the worry?
Sometimes: :kick: - don't they :-\.
How about Dulciana - worrying for 10 mins in the morning and 10 in the evening, make a note of what might happen and any contacts that you will require if/when the situation arises? That's it out of your brain ::). Whilst your Dad remains well and able, it's your closer family that requires all that energy ;).
Mine rang this morning: usually she moans about a neighbour who, when offering Mum a lift somewhere they are both going to, is *always* late - the last couple of times Mum has accepted a lift, the woman has been early - you really couldn't write it :madeyes:
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May I ask StellaJane - is this Council funded care or ………
DH and I have had heated discussions about funding our future full nursing care 2-day :-\. I don't want to end up in a ward of old biddies - I want an en-suite with peace and quiet :-X. Him being Himself, doesn't give a …. as to where he ends up.
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Have you been talking to Himself ;D …….
Full Nursing Care should be 'free at the point of delivery' ……… so check with LA to see if your Mum is likely to be charged? Paying for B&B is acceptable but not for any medication, nursing care etc..
I want my own bathroom :-\
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That doesn't seem a lot! You couldn't manage that level of care for anyone without a group of helpers.
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Mother seen nurse, had ECG and seen GP today. Does look like angina, so she has a spray now - but also suspect she has had a heart attack so referred for further tests with rapid heart team who will phone to sort appointment, also arranged blood tests to be done to check sodium and potassium levels. Tough day, but at least its all done.
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How is your Mum about it all, resigned?
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not happy with me for telling nurse but she is okay over the tests as long as she is not admitted as refuses to EVER go into hospital again. Thanks for asking CLKD.
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Sometimes we need to push them into getting help though :-\ - between a rock and a hard place!
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Appointment is tomorrow, heart clinic have taken her off the heart pills for 48 hours which is very scary, and have said she needs to do a treadmill test ::) Mum is really worried about this as she is in a wheelchair and can barely walk, she couldnt even step on a treadmill. I have told her it wont happen but she wont believe me, insisting that I go in with her and make sure they dont 'force' her to do anything. Be glad when its all over that's for sure. I have a feeling they will send her straight to a doctor, she has already had to use her new 'angina' spray yesterday.
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Anxiety about issues won't help either ::)
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Appointment was scary, Mum's heart rate is way too fast. Saw senior heart doctor, prescribed 2 lots of pills to slow down heartrate, fitted with heart monitor for 24 hours, eco scan next week, bloods done and specialist appointment to be sent asap. That was Thursday. Today, Mum very sick pills been stopped, GP visit first thing Monday - she refused GP on call and no way will go to hospital, though she did phone them for advice. We are not leaving her alone at anytime, I sat twice today while she slept its not really looking that good. My poor Dad is in a terrible state. Going to be a long weekend.
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She is in control then? if she phoned the Hospital. What advice did they give, did she tell you? It's worse watching time can drag until Monday.
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Thanks CKLD. They told her not to take pills next day unless she felt better, so she did and took pills. Phone call from dad last night to go round and pick her up off the floor as he couldnt, she had fallen on last stair and landed behind front door banging her head on it, would she go to hospital? no way. Taking her to GP this morning.
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If your Mum is anything like my Mum, when ill she doesn't think rationally. She has refused medical intervention, once when she had a stroke. Dad's normally happy for her to be the 'boss' and finds it very hard to override her wishes. Dad will ring me if worried for support, or when she had had the stroke, I rushed there and threatened to ring for an ambulance if he didn't. When better, Mum admitted that she wasn't 'in her right mind'. It's hard to be firm with someone who is determined to be in control, and to parent your own parent, but I've had to learn. Let us know you and your Mum get on at the doctors.
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Let us know. Also, if you ring Paramedics they will give advice, they don't force a patient into Hospital. When my Dad was stuck in t he bath they were really good, giving Mum advice on the 'phone; i.e. run out the water, wrap him in warm towels and blankets. They got him into bed and made sure he was warm enough B4 leaving them for the night. Sometimes they have to be over ridden!
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If your Mum is anything like my Mum, when ill she doesn't think rationally. She has refused medical intervention, once when she had a stroke. Dad's normally happy for her to be the 'boss' and finds it very hard to override her wishes. Dad will ring me if worried for support, or when she had had the stroke, I rushed there and threatened to ring for an ambulance if he didn't. When better, Mum admitted that she wasn't 'in her right mind'. It's hard to be firm with someone who is determined to be in control, and to parent your own parent, but I've had to learn. Let us know you and your Mum get on at the doctors.
Thanks Ju Ju and CKLD. No, Mum says this all the time, our hospital is so awful I can see her point she really would rather die than go in there. I did make her go after her first stroke which was many years ago, and she has been in once since.. think that might have been the second one and that is why she wont go. Thanks CLKD for telling me about paramedics I will pass that on. Sorry not updated sooner but been a week of appointments, care, shopping etc. The pills did lower her heart rate, that showed on the echo scan the other day so that was good news, yesterday brought not so good news though as now they suspect kidney failure too so had an emergancy blood test today (at hospital again), and two lots of pills stopped till further notice. Bank holiday is not a great time for us as GP not there now till Tuesday, he has suddenly got very worried and made a few phone calls yesterday too to confirm he was doing the right thing. Aside from the headaches from the new medication and pain from fall she seems okay for now. Forms went in this week for attendance allowance too.
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Sometimes medication can produce problems too! Often patients are on 'too much' ::). Good of your GP to ring for confirmation. A&E and on-call GPs are available 24/7 (always have been, despite the Government's current stance; it's that they will no longer pay 'over-time' for 24/7 working >:() so even if your Mum won't ring for advice, nowt to stop you doing so quietly if worried ;-).
R U OK?
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We intend to keep my Mum out of hospital if at all possible unless new symptoms occur and we don't know what we're dealing with. It has to be a judgement call, taking into account everyone else and circumstances. In my Mums case that would be whether my Dad can cope. They did call the paramedics to assist in getting my Mum off the floor and back into bed, but as it was not considered an emergency, they had to wait a long time. Now my Dad knows what to expect, he is able to pre-empt falls and will hold her on the commode for instance. At the moment, my Mum is ok and has quality of life. Fingers crossed that she is well enough to get here on Monday for our celebration dinner.
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It really is half a day at a time!
I have details of step-in baths/showers but dare I send it to Mum or will I get the 'stop trying to organise me', 'I can manage' etc. :-\
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Of course you are sad. But how is your Mum? Safe?
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I am amazed at how much my Mum sleeps these days. She went to bed at 9.45 last night and I took her tea in at 7.30 and she was sleeping yet she assured me she had been awake since 6. 😆😆
We had breakfast etc and she's been asleep sitting on sofa from 9.45 to 10.45. When we get back from our lunch outing I know she will have a couple of hours in bed this afternoon.
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I think they begin to lack energy. My elderly pets slept a lot more. Mum swears that she's spent lots of time in the garden ……. but I know she sleeps most of the evening away.
Do you feel better this morning StellaJane?
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…… her Life isn't as you remember nor what you wanted but if your Mum is safe, cared for, warm, fed …….. it allows you breathing space to do stuff as well as visiting?
:bighug:
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…… her Life isn't as you remember nor what you wanted but if your Mum is safe, cared for, warm, fed …….. it allows you breathing space to do stuff as well as visiting?
:bighug:
Wise words CLKD
My Mum was in an EMI nursing home Stellajane, & it is a hard place to visit- but it is the best place for her to be. She is safe & as happy as she can be at this time in her life.
Sending you hugs :hug: :hug:
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:thankyou: :wub:
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Mum has not had another hives attack and all that follows for 10 weeks since taking antihistamines everyday. Dad says she has had a few melt downs which would have triggered an attack normally.
Dad has had his driving licence renewed for another 3 years. He's 91. He's not sure how long he wants to carry on driving, but life would be difficult without the car as they can't walk far. At least his eyesight is fine. He finds his spacial awareness is compromised. No nifty manoeuvres in tight corners as in the past.
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Ju Ju - maybe suggest that he has an assessment from the Association (can't remember the correct title :-\). Also, my parents were worried about Dad not driving [long story short :-\] but managed with local Taxis. Maybe your Dad could try the various services in their area before he decided when to stop driving himself? Mum built up a good working relationship with a Firm near them. They really looked after them too, never left her standing anywhere and promised to fetch/take her anywhere so that she wasn't left feeling vulnerable.
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That's a good idea. They manage to come and visit me occasionally and I dread them not being able to do that as I will have to visit there far more and I find that exhausting. They do have a scooter, mainly for Mum, but she rarely uses it. It's easier to go anywhere in the car. With my encouragement they tried online food shopping, but hate it.
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I used the following "arguments" for taxis over cars:
- no maintenance or repairs required, so no trips to garage and associated costs
- no parking fees, and picked up / dropped off at the door
- no insurance
- no depreciation
Obviously you do pay for some of the above in the fare, but only what you use.
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Ju Ju - if they used a taxi service they could go shopping or maybe there's a community bus near them? Sometimes local 'groups' hire coaches for day's out which can include grocery shopping. Mum goes with the Church group or pays a little more to join in a neighbouring village's planned coach trips. She's 'on the list' apparently and will go anywhere ::)
It's knowing what is handy to them. Fortunately Mum's village has a monthly 'rag' with lots of info in i.e. coach trips, local service people, care homes etc..
getting_old - did your arguments sway them?
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It worked with my mother CLKD. She thought taxis would be expensive so it was a case of proving that for her needs they were actually cheaper, and much less hassle too. For grocery trips she arranged to share the taxi with a friend so the taxi picked them both up, took them into town where they browsed a bit, had a coffee, did their shopping and were then picked up at the door of the supermarket and driven home.
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>phew< !
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hugs to fellow carers. hope to find some decent time to catch up on all forum at weekend. Short on hours just now. Update on Mum is not much, now not sure about kidney as last blood test was better so repeating tomorrow, BP high due to diuretics being stopped but till kidneys settle that stays as, one lot of angina meds reduced as gives her headache.
My Mum is also asleep a lot these days with all the meds, she hates it.
Bottom line is all stable for now.
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Get some rest yourself!
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Conversation with Mum. I asked her if she would like some mousse I had made. Ingredients were advocado, cocoa, agave syrup and lime juice. ( A healthy naughty pud......thank you Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall!) I had made with her type 2 diabetes in mind. She refused to have it as she said advocados were full of fat. I explained all about good fats should be part of her balanced diet, even in a low fat diet. I googled some articles on advocados and type 2 diabetes. Mum remained unconvinced. Instead, she opted for ice cream!! I despair! Dad thoroughly enjoyed the mousse and ice cream and came back for second.
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You can't sway them Ju Ju - I think we can suggest but they won't be told >:( ::). You are still the little girl and of course, no absolutely nothing about anything ;). Glad that your Dad enjoyed the pud! (any left?)
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You have to have a sense of humour! ::)
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I lost my sense of humour with Mum years ago ………. I now have a drawer full of fixed grins and have learned to grit my teeth …….. >sigh<
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Get some rest yourself!
Thanks again, hot weather doing Mum no favours at all.
Juju I know those feelings, does not matter how hard I try to make either of them eat properly they will not listen - as CLKD says we are but 'children' my daughter is always complaining that Granddad treats her like a 3 year old, I keep telling her I am treated as a 6 year old at times despite having to care for them both ::)
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It is difficult not to fall into the child scenario the moment I walk through Mum's door ……..
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When Mum was really ill last year, she muscled in when I was using her toaster and took over, (like she did when I was a child) managing to switch it off. I reminded her I was over 60 and did have a few years of experience with toasters without burning toast! You have to laugh. Fortunately, she's not so bad as that when she's better. Nor do I stand meekly by fuming. I laugh at her and she backs off. Definitely a shift in our relationship. I'm not bulliable (is that a word?) anymore.
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Sadly I wouldn't consider 'taking' on any of the equipment in Mum's house 'cos she would give me a mouthful :-[ - it really ain't worth the hassle ……..
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Our latest problem is Mum knocking herself, breaking the skin and getting an infection. Her skin is so thin, like tracing paper, and she's only got to touch something and the skin breaks.
A few weeks ago it was the back of her hand and she was having that dressed for weeks before it healed. Two weeks ago she knocked her shin and I cleaned it, dressed it etc and we were scrupulously clean doing it and it is still infected. She's been on antibiotics and getting it dressed every few days and next Fri I have to take her to an ulcer clinic.
She gets herself in such a state with appointments, taking medication etc. She lives dead opposite the GP surgery so that's fine but often there's no nurse on duty when she goes over and they ask her to go to another surgery about 6 miles away. Then she panics about finding one of her 3 offspring to take her there.
It's getting so when I ring her every night I dread waiting to hear how she is!
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It is worrying isn't it? My dads skin is like you describe. He had knocked the back of his hand and the skin came off. He's 91. It was healing when I saw it, but the skin was very dry and flaky, so I suggested he try some the Epidaderm cream I use for washing and emulsifying my skin and he felt it made a lot of difference. He keeps having this problem, but so far hasn't been prone to infection.
Doesn't bode well for me though as when I was young, I was prescribed hydrocortisone ointment for eczema for years. Now my skin is thinner than it should be and minor knocks result in lumps of skin coming away and bleeding. Dad didn't have that kind of history, no eczema.
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When I took my dog 'patting' a resident asked me not to touch her skin due to thinning. She loved to talk to me and stroke my dog but was wary about her legs. When she was bed bound I would put the dog onto a chair so that the resident could talk at her ......... suited everyone.
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love that you had a 'pat dog' CLKD :) I have a few friends with them, when my youngest dog settles a bit I have thought of it as she loves everyone, but still at that 2/3 year old nutjob stage.
My parents are not doing so bad with the thinning of skin - everything else but not that.
Just thought I would let you know my Dad has just got the full attendance allowance, Mum is still waiting for news. He got his due to the meds he is on it seems. Oh, and mum was diagnosed with diabetes this week too, so been doing a lot of shopping and trying to change their eating habits which is a feat in itself.
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It was hard work taking round a Great Dane - his rear end remained in the hall way with tail wagging whilst he grinned at the residents in their rooms ;D.
My Mum went on her first Summer coach day trip this week and seems to have enjoyed herself ::)
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I love 'Danes' CLKD, my claim to fame is that I used to walk with the guy who bred 'smichael' on corrie. He kept one of the Pups too 'Ben' used to play with my lurcher till he knocked him over and my boy took it personally. All the danes now sadly gone, mother 'Lara' many years ago, Ben too.
Glad your mum enjoyed her trip.
I am now back to the 'you must see GP' game with my Mum, and she is refusing to go, not looking forward to tomorrow's game with it again. Her legs have swollen due to being taken off diuretics and she is hot, I think running a temp, behaving very childish at the moment, hoping for a better day tomorrow.
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:-[ don't pity your day SadLynda ::). Are you able to ring her GP for advice B4 you go visit?
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Hope she does well in her new room stellajane :)
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:-[ don't pity your day SadLynda ::). Are you able to ring her GP for advice B4 you go visit?
Saga continue's - I have been at parents more than home, hence lack of posts. Got Mum to GP, he put her back on diuretics, she then got a UTI had to stop diuretics, legs still swollen - GP on leave fgs ::) finally got treatment for UTI today, now on our own till Tuesday due to bank holiday, hoping things improve or it will be ambulance and she wont like that at all - behavoir is very poor due to her confusion from the infection. My Dad cant cope at all.
Thanks CLKD for interest. One thing all this does is keep my mind totally off me ::)
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Thanks StellaJane, it got worse the GP had prescribed AB's that were NOT to be taken with the drugs Mum is taking, so it was Friday before she started on the right AB's. No, Mum wont put her feet up either, says she cant do it due to the oesteo.
Now the AB's have upset her stomach, which is not so good for her kidneys and the dehydration, cant force her to drink and its hard work trying to make her increase fluids. She had a better day yesterday but not great today :(
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Social Services/District Nurse will give advice on how to raise the bed to relief swelling. Some Surgeries have a dedicated ulcer nurse so might be worth while asking if one is available.
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Poems don't do it for me either >:( ::)
If your Mum is settled, that's the main issue!
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::)
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how sad for your Mum, not convinced mine would be impressed with poems either. ::)
My Mum is still the same, no improvement at all - took in second water sample on Thursday, no word from GP or Cadiac team yet. Dad had another fall this week too. Monday is 'will' day solicitor booked to visit to sort that one out.
I am finding it quite tough to deal with of late.
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Feeling a bit like we are becoming the elderly relatives, sort of. We asked our grown up children if they have made wills and they responded by asking us if we have made a lasting power of attorney for ourselves ::)
Added to that I woke up this morning not knowing the day or the date. Husband asked me who the prime minister is and all I could think was 'that man with the funny face'. Oh dear oh dear :(
One of hubby's lovely cuppas soon put me right. I think I stayed up too late watching a programme last night after a busy day. I'm sure that's all it is :)
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…… that's all it is …………. for today ;).
Tony Blair sprung to mind ::) ………
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My father had a stroke on 12th May (two blood clots on the right side brain so the left side of his body is affected) and an early (too early in my opinion) discharge from hospital after two weeks - he's being cared for by the Joint Community Rehab and the Stroke Team. I've been staying and things have been pretty tough for him. And for me there's so much to sort out - all the visits and admin stuff - eg. Attendance Allowance, LPAs x 2 and Social Services Financial Assessment etc etc.
I'm concerned now that he seems so very confused and disorientated, eg. often not knowing which day it is, I've had to manage his medication for now - hoping that he will recover as it's early days, however somebody told me that sometimes dementia can follow a stroke. He seems a changed man. Does anybody have experience of this? With thanks for any input.
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Yes definitely look for a water infection it can really cause great confusion and unpredictable behaviour as can not drinking enough .
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Oh how awful - 1 thing after another.
Contact the Stroke Association, AgeUK in your area as they may have volunteers who will 'sit' with your Dad for short periods to allow you to sleep/shop etc..
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Feeling a bit like we are becoming the elderly relatives, sort of. We asked our grown up children if they have made wills and they responded by asking us if we have made a lasting power of attorney for ourselves ::)
Added to that I woke up this morning not knowing the day or the date. Husband asked me who the prime minister is and all I could think was 'that man with the funny face'. Oh dear oh dear :(
One of hubby's lovely cuppas soon put me right. I think I stayed up too late watching a programme last night after a busy day. I'm sure that's all it is :)
We made our children power of attorney financially 10 years ago, before travelling for 6 months, leaving them and Daughters boyfriend in charge of our home. (Glad we did as we were involved in a potentially fatal car accident 2 days before we were due to come home. There but for fortune and the evasive and brilliant driving of lorry driver.) We kept it in place. My daughter says we have to behave ourselves, as they will be choosing our nursing homes! :o
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;D … tell her that you are busy spending her inheritance ;)
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I had another mega 'kick off' at Mum's surgery on Tuesday. On Wednesday I got two GP's and the community nurse round to see Mum, meds looked at, Mum examined and 'hopefully' we now have progress. Sad bit is I asked for Palluaitive care if necessary and that looks to be what Mum is getting. I am now there each day and dealing with doctors, nurses, appointments etc. We have both Power of Attorneys ready, but waiting to sort out pension credits as we dont have to pay for them then, that is today's phone call when I get there.
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It's hard work! :foryou:
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How's things SadLynda?
Ju Ju?
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Been to see my parents today. 1st time since coming back from my holiday. Mum is in fine fettle in a frail sort of a way. She has not had a hives/crashing BP/ collapsing/incontinence attack since trialling continuous antihistermine tablets, apart from the beginnings of an attack, after falling off her scooter. (Told her she should refrain from doing wheelies!) She increased the dose as instructed and just itched. (Stress and infection seemed to be triggers)Tomorrow she sees the consultant with the good news.
They have had decorating done. Looks good, just not my taste, but don't tell them! ;) The house next door, which was barricaded by the police due to appalling behaviour and drug related offences, is now in the process of being sold to the builder over the road. It's in an appalling state, but still sold for £325,000! He'll get a good price for it once done up as its in commuter land and very good transport links. Such a relief after years of problems and no more police visits unless Mum goes crazy on her scooter!
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Good to hear things were ok at your parents and that the problems next door have been sorted,one less thing for you to worry about. ;)
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glad things doing okay for you Juju.
Life has been an array of appointments since my 'kick off' at the surgery, last week with benefit stuff too it was every day. This week just Thursday and Friday so far. Mum is doing okay, now the water infection has gone she is getting a lot better and since stopping a few of the meds she was on. Dad is not so good though, he has appointments this week and a few tests going on.
having to do a lot more for them of late, but I really dont mind - just gets me a bit tired some days.
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Thanks. She's already wobbly and unsteady. She says she can't put the washing out. But she is accepting of limitations. Dad does what she can't. The alternative was awful and life threatening.
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Ive been driving my mother around for weeks and weeks now to the leg ulcer clinic and for weekly dressing changes. Weve also had hair appointments, dentist, shopping and pension, we have a hospital appointment coming up for veins and she also has a hearing test this month.
Despite living opposite her GP surgery we can never get her in there (nurse only works one day a week there so everyone books her weeks in advance) so I have to do a 30 mile round trip each time.
Yesterday I did get her in there to see the GP re gout so she was able to toddle over by herself which was great. He has prescribed her some tablets for this (after 5 days on steroids which were marvellous) and told her to come off her high blood pressure tablets after donkeys years! She always moans about taking them and gets in such a muddle and NOW shes moaning cos he has told her to stop them
She was complaining last night "I'll be glad when all these appointments are over" and I pointed out all she has to do is sit in the car and be driven around. I make all the appointments, put them on her calendar, collect any prescriptions and organise my whole week around her.
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Pennyfarthing - is there a dedicated Ulcer Nurse in your area? I know that some Health Authorities have them either attached to Surgeries or they work out of a hospital. Might be worth asking. 30 mile round trip is atrocious!!!! does the GP know the distance involved?
Mine is complaining that her carer doesn't arrive to help her in and out of the bath, but she doesn't ring and complain :sigh:
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Pennyfarthing - is there a dedicated Ulcer Nurse in your area? I know that some Health Authorities have them either attached to Surgeries or they work out of a hospital. Might be worth asking. 30 mile round trip is atrocious!!!! does the GP know the distance involved?
Mine is complaining that her carer doesn't arrive to help her in and out of the bath, but she doesn't ring and complain :sigh:
THere is a leg ulcer clinic once a week between her and me. But I have 10 miles to fetch her, 5 miles to clinic, 5 miles back and then 10 miles home.
I told the nurse and asked about district nurse visiting and they will only go if the person is completely housebound or if they have no transport at all .... But of course they all know she has me! ;)
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:sigh: care in the community - NOT!
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Yeah, I remember those days!
Mind you I'd still rather be ferrying her about and listening to her grumbling than going to the nursing home to listen to her talking nonsense.
According to her main carer, she's won an award this week - for managing to talk non-stop for 13 hours! I had to laugh, the carer had placed a soft toy beside her in bed, hoping she'd be happy talking to that rather than to her ;D
I hear what you're saying StellaJane and you are, of course, right! When we're actually out on these trips we have a laugh and a chat and it's OK. ITs just the fitting everything in around the rest of my family and I feel like I never have much time to myself.
Tomorrow it's collect her and take her to hairdressers, I do her chemist/newsagent/pension stuff while she's in there and then we go on to Tesco to get her groceries where I push her round in the wheelchair and then We have some lunch out before I take her to my Dads grave then I unload her shopping, make sure she has all she needs and then I'm home mid afternoon.
SOrry about your Mum xx
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PennyF, I know were you are coming from. It can just be hard sometimes, we are waiting for an aluminium wheelchair which will help me, as the other is so heavy to push and lug in and out of the car - I think this can wear me down a bit. Appointments have lessoned a little for me now, only one each this week (Mum and Dad). I loose a lot of time waiting for various nurses, who seem to be unable to just ring and let us know if they will be a 'few' hours late, I do appreciate how busy they are but they know I have to be there for every appointment, surely a quick call is not too much to ask?
Mum is quite stable now, and Dad is awaiting a host of results.
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Well I took my Mother for a hearing test today. She told the guy she had no problems with her hearing whatsoever but came away with a pair of hearing aids!! ;D
HE was very patient with her when he told her to listen and when she heard a sound to press and release the buzzer. She kept pressing and NOT releasing. After not getting anywhere he removed the buzzer and said she was to listen for a sound and when she heard it, however faint it was, to just say "Yes".
bless her heart, she couldn't do that either and kept saying "I can hear it but it's very faint" or "Yes I can hear a different sound" he kept saying "just say yes" and it was actually quite funny. ;D
She wore them coming home and we sat in the car outside the supermarket and she nearly jumped out of her seat when someone pushed their metal trolley into the others.
WE got back to hers and I went to the loo and she calling "quick, come here quick." I ran into the kitchen and she's standing looking bewildered. "There's something going on in here, listen. It's like something is stuck somewhere and it's scratching to get out." After much investigation it turned out to be her big wall clock which she swears she's never heard ticking before. We had a good laugh! ;D
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The guy has obviously been in similar situations ::). It can be scary , suddenly becoming aware of noises …… hope your Mum doesn't switch them off to get some peace ;)
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Hearing aids can take a while to get used to!
OH had them early in his 50s because he was having problems hearing in meetings at work, on the phone etc. He got used to them within a few weeks and has had few problems.
Mum and her aids has been a much more complicated story! I've lost count of how many trips we've
had for adjustments to volume and repairs, and infact right now I have one of them on the hall table waiting to go for yet another repair! It's seemed to me like most things they're harder to adjust to the older you are.
Hope your mum perseveres with them anyway pennyfarthing. It does make life a lot easier when you don't have to keep shouting!
Thank you Stella. I rang her tonight and she had put them on herself OK. yesterday we tried together and she put them on every which way but right! :)
She says she's had to turn the volume down on TV, can hear the birds singing and the clocks ticking. So far so good. I will see her in the week and explain how to disconnect the batteries when she's sleeping and they're not in use. That was too much for her to take in yesterday. I have told her not to worry about cleaning them out as I will do that for her every week.
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Has your Mum accepted them Pennyfarthing?
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Its a good idea to take over the cleaning. Once a week done thoroughly is enough, and the batteries should last about a week too if you're lucky.
I decided to remove the cleaning kit from my mum when I went in one day and she was poking a very fine piece of plastic tubing right into the 'works'. If the batteries aren't put in correctly its quite easy to break the little compartment doors - as has been demonstrated several times by the staff in mum's nursing home ::) - so they aren't allowed to touch them now either!
Thank you Stella. She didn't have them in tonight when I rang as she's been home alone all day but says she's putting them in tomorrow to go to church.
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I'm very proud of my Mum. 20 odd years ago she collapsed at a friend's funeral, one of 4 funerals in 2 weeks, including her brother's. What was diagnosed as extreme grief was later found to be a stroke. She was not allowed to go to any more funerals other than my sister's and that tranquillised and supervised by us all. The wife of this original friend has just died after years suffering from dementia. Mum is going to say a few words at her memorial service in recognition of their friendship over more than 60 years. As she cannot walk to the front of the church, they have arranged to bring a microphone to her. I'm not worried about her doing this as they lost this friend slowly over several years. Mum will be 89 next Sunday. As she doesn't get out much, this is courageous.
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Get your Mum to practice a couple of times?
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I won't be seeing her beforehand. I expect she will practise in with my Dad. But I'm sure, however it goes, it will be appreciated.
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I'm very proud of my Mum. 20 odd years ago she collapsed at a friend's funeral, one of 4 funerals in 2 weeks, including her brother's. What was diagnosed as extreme grief was later found to be a stroke. She was not allowed to go to any more funerals other than my sister's and that tranquillised and supervised by us all. The wife of this original friend has just died after years suffering from dementia. Mum is going to say a few words at her memorial service in recognition of their friendship over more than 60 years. As she cannot walk to the front of the church, they have arranged to bring a microphone to her. I'm not worried about her doing this as they lost this friend slowly over several years. Mum will be 89 next Sunday. As she doesn't get out much, this is courageous.
That is very brave of her. Hope she copes OK.
My Mum has lost so many elderly friends and neighbours in the last couple of years. She is a very emotional person and gets really upset so I have tried to dissuade her from going to funerals although I tell her I will take her if she's adamant she wants to go. We talked about it a lot and agreed that you can just sit at home quietly and remember someone rather than going to the funeral itself.
She is almost relieved now that she has made the decision not to attend funerals anymore. She has even told me that I don't need to go to her funeral when the time comes if I feel it will be too upsetting.
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I think she will cope. They lost this friend years ago through the dementia, so said goodbye gradually and see this as a release for her. She's not going to the actual funeral.
Yes, it's hard losing friends and relatives. All her siblings have died. The price of living to such an age, sadly. They always kiss each goodnight in case one of them doesn't wake up. Sounds morbid, but mum nearly died last year. She told me that she cried while waiting for the ambulance as she thought she was dying, but my Dad held her and told her that this was the next great adventure. I think that's beautiful.
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I think she will cope. They lost this friend years ago through the dementia, so said goodbye gradually and see this as a release for her. She's not going to the actual funeral.
Yes, it's hard losing friends and relatives. All her siblings have died. The price of living to such an age, sadly. They always kiss each goodnight in case one of them doesn't wake up. Sounds morbid, but mum nearly died last year. She told me that she cried while waiting for the ambulance as she thought she was dying, but my Dad held her and told her that this was the next great adventure. I think that's beautiful.
That is beautiful and I think your Dad is correct.
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How did she get on Juju? lovely thing with your parents.
All stable with mine, this week is heart monitor appointment with Mum and Blue Badge assesment for Dad. We have a community matron and heart nurse that both visit Mum regularly so happy with her care now.
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Phew! Thanks for the update.
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I'm kind of sad this thread's still here (I last posted on page 25), although it's not unexpected of course... there are so many of us with elderly relatives to consider.
My dad's living in a care home now, and has dementia. We supported him living at home for about 10 years, and got increasingly worried about him, but it took a crisis for things to change (he had a fall while out shopping and broke his shoulder). Thankfully we'd managed to put the power of attorney in place just before it happened!
Such a difficult journey and my heart goes out to anyone in a similar situation :foryou:
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I've been given power of attorney, both financial and health, long with my DH and dd, for both my parents. Has your dad settled in OK in the care home, grumpy?
Mum seems to have had a new release of life. She is using her scooter more and more and is able to go to the nearby shopping centre to browse. Amazing, considering she nearly died last year and before that she had urine infection after urine infection for years. She's still frail, but able to do more.
I did post about the antisocial behaviour for years from the neighbours next door. The house was boarded up for 3 months by the police. The house has been sold to a builder who lives in the road and is currently being gutted. Skip after skip of stuff. The council advised residents to form a residents association, which they have done and dad has attended meetings. As a result, people have become much friendlier and quite a few people check up on my parents. They are the oldest residents, having moved there in 1958!
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When I read 'the council advised residents' I thought it was going to be 'to see if there was anything in the skip that was useful' ;D. A lovely update Ju Ju, long may it last!
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I've been given power of attorney, both financial and health, long with my DH and dd, for both my parents. Has your dad settled in OK in the care home, grumpy?
Hi Juju :). Dad has settled as much as he's going to, I think. It was a huge upheaval, since dad had been living in our family home for over 50 years and he is very much a creature of habit! The dementia means he's can't really understand the reasons why he had to move, and even yesterday I had to reassure him that the house is 'ok', 'everything's still the same' etc. Reality is that the house has been cleared and sold :'(. It's all for the best though, and the care home is lovely - they've supported us all, are caring and have a very homely feel. So he's actually very fortunate!
Happy to hear that your mum is enjoying her scooter :D. The sense of freedom is so important, plus I'm always amazed how strong they can be, even when they seem so frail! Good for her!
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Thanks Grumpy! ( I don't think you are really are you!)
I'm glad your dad is in such a good place. At least you know he is being looked after.
I have a vision of my mum tottering out there with her walker then clamber into the skip! ;D I don't think so!
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Thanks Grumpy! ( I don't think you are really are you!)
LOL, you didn't know me in 2008!!! I've just grown more and more hysterical as the years have passed, it's the only way to cope ;D ;D ;D
You sound worried about you mum... understandably. She sounds a positive and determined lady (my dad is/was the same) and it's a great attitude to have, but it brings us more than a few concerns, eh?
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THe saga about my mums hearing aids continues. She got them about a month ago and I showed her and showed her how to use them, as did the guy who did her hearing test. SHe said they were great and she promised to use them. I told her not to worry about the batteries and that I would replace them every SAturday.
She never wears them though and came for the day yesterday without them! I took her home, replaced the batteries and showed her yet again how to wear them. I put them on her and she said they were great. Tonight I rang her and she said she was still wearing them and I though "progress!!" and then she said "I kept them in all night just like you said." ;D. I had actually told her to take them off at night and put them back in in the morning. ::).
I said "Mum what would you want to hear when you're asleep?" She said she'd been thinking about that and couldn't work it out. Then she says "I'll take them off now then so I don't forget." so I'm talking away and she's saying "what are you saying" I then can't stop laughing (loudly) and she says "I know what you're laughing about ... Because I slept in them" and I said "No I'm laughing because you can't hear me now." ;D ;D
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Oh - that all sounds so terribly familiar. We had years and years of going back and forth to the hearing clinic, never quite getting things 100% sorted.
I can't remember what you've said about your mum in the past Pf but is she experiencing the start of memory loss do you think? Its just that's exactly how my mum was at the beginning - seemingly less able to follow very simple instructions.
In contrast my sisters FIL has just been prescribed hearing aids at 82 and is getting on famously with them, no problems at all - but the difference is he remembers what he was told to do re cleaning, batteries etc.
I think you're right StellaJane. I have noticed in the past few months that she's forgetting lots of stuff but assumed that it was because she wasn't hearing most of what was being said. Some days she's better than others but if she would only wear her hearing aids more often I might get a clearer picture.
SHe keeps saying her memory is going but TBH me and hubby and most of my friends reckon we forget stuff and have to write everything important down.
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Both my mother's sisters partially lost their hearing fairly young due to scarlet fever and as they got older their remaining hearing deteriorated. One was happy to wear hearing aids for the rest of her life, the other one refused to wear them right up until she died. One was easy to talk to but the other was a nightmare, everything you said was met with 'pardon' or 'hmmmm?' To this day I don't know why she wouldn't wear them ::)
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New to this thread but just wanted to post to say how sad it is that the NHS has come to be in the state it is in when your 84 year old FIL is too frightened to let his wife go to hospital 'over the weekend' because people die then! Basically, my MIL is suffering extreme pain which they can't seem to get under control due to (we think..), a fusion or something in her spine (initially told sciatica, then disc etc) but they don't ask the right questions when they go to appointment. She's had numerous amounts of medication, some of which have made her very ill, has had oramorph and has just attended the pain clinic. There, they took her off half her medication that had been prescribed! Gave her pain patches but she is still crying every day and begged to go to the hospital over the weekend. My FIL is a complete control freak. He wouldn't let her go. He can't cope with her at all now on his own and is going to pieces himself but won't get help and doesn't believe in 'tablets' for anything!!! My hubby's sisters are trying to help but they both work full-time so I told them to get in touch with Age Concern and Social Services which they did but not much happening yet and I doubt my FIL with let them do anything anyway.
It's just a very sad situation. I'm trying not to get involved as I'm still not well myself mentally or physically to and I've got my own Mum to help and I also work. They don't live near us, about 45 mins away from all of us, which doesn't help either.
Any suggestions would be very welcome from anybody's experience? I'm lucky in that my Mum is very independent and keeps herself well and is always positive.
Thanks ladies.
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Old people have always had a fear that should they go into Hospital they won't come out!
Mine is out and about again this week ::)
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I am really glad this thread is here, I do have one friend in the same situation as I but more of you here. Mum not doing so good this week, I am going in daily with meals now so they are eating - nurse due this week before she goes on leave, so I can be sure she gets the heart nurse to visit each week (or more) while she is away.
Took Dad for his blue badge assessment last week, only 4 - 5 weeks before he gets a reply fgs ::) he should get it as he is getting more frail and having more falls.
I hate this, I feel so sad sometimes watching their decline :'(
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It always annoyed me that 'old age' does not class as a reason for a blue badge to be awarded. I could not get one for mum until she was diagnosed with a terminal cancer, then one was rushed through. :(
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I am really glad this thread is here, I do have one friend in the same situation as I but more of you here. Mum not doing so good this week, I am going in daily with meals now so they are eating - nurse due this week before she goes on leave, so I can be sure she gets the heart nurse to visit each week (or more) while she is away.
Took Dad for his blue badge assessment last week, only 4 - 5 weeks before he gets a reply fgs ::) he should get it as he is getting more frail and having more falls.
I hate this, I feel so sad sometimes watching their decline :'(
I feel for you Lynda. We wouldn't manage without Mums blue badge now. She is so slow and full of aches and pains that we have to use a wheelchair to go shopping. Fingers crossed your Dad will get it sooner than you think!
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They are living with it though, so try not to feel sad.
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It's very hard not to feel sad watching parents decline in health and vitality.
My mum is in a care-home - she is virtually immobile due to Parkinson's. That's difficult enough, given that she was always on the go ... but she's now getting increasingly confused. Mum was a very capable woman - she was a sheltered housing warden for over 25 years and knew everything about every one of her 30-odd residents. She knew their personal and family details, medical histories, pension days, shopping preferences (she often collected pensions and shopping when the weather was less than perfect), everything! She ran her own household and all 26 bungalows without ever missing a beat ... now, only 10 years after retiring, she can't manage to organise her own day :'( It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and she forgot - I won't hurt her feelings by reminding her, but it is so sad to see this woman who was once more capable than I could ever hope to be so let down by her own body and mind.
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It is sad Scampi ……… confusion can be caused by dehydrated and/or a urine infection, have the Staff checked your Mum? :bighug:
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It's very hard not to feel sad watching parents decline in health and vitality.
My mum is in a care-home - she is virtually immobile due to Parkinson's. That's difficult enough, given that she was always on the go ... but she's now getting increasingly confused. Mum was a very capable woman - she was a sheltered housing warden for over 25 years and knew everything about every one of her 30-odd residents. She knew their personal and family details, medical histories, pension days, shopping preferences (she often collected pensions and shopping when the weather was less than perfect), everything! She ran her own household and all 26 bungalows without ever missing a beat ... now, only 10 years after retiring, she can't manage to organise her own day :'( It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago and she forgot - I won't hurt her feelings by reminding her, but it is so sad to see this woman who was once more capable than I could ever hope to be so let down by her own body and mind.
My auntie did the very same job Scampi and had a wardens house and went above and beyond the call of duty. That complex was run like clockwork by her and she was there 24/7 for the old people.
She is now riddled with arthritis and her fingers are all twisted. She has also got heart problems and bowel problems. Her husband is now in a care home as he has dementia but is physically healthy. IT is terribly sad.
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Mum's cancer was brutal but it was mercifully quick (for a cancer). She was mentally sharp as a tack until the day before she died. Seeing her is such physical discomfort was gruelling but the hospice was brilliant, better than the hospital. I am fortunate that I did not lose her mentally before she died.
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Mine's off on a Coach Trip tomorrow ::)
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Mine's off on a Coach Trip tomorrow ::)
MIne is wearing her hearing aids for second day in a row and says she never realised until today that her stairlift made a whirring noise. ;)
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Success ? or 'don't hold your breath' ;D ……… mine uses the stair-lift to take things up to the landing or bring stuff down ::)
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It is sad Scampi ……… confusion can be caused by dehydrated and/or a urine infection, have the Staff checked your Mum? :bighug:
Mum is encouraged to drink plenty and the staff at the home regularly check her urine for signs of infection - they seem to monitoring her levels of alertness quite closely.
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I'm always on at my mum to drink plenty and the nurse and GP told her the same. I remind her mid morning and she says "I had a BIG cup of Tea when I got up." In case you're imagining a bucket size cup it's a small cup and saucer! ;D
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Also, what time does she 'get up'?
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Also, what time does she 'get up'?
GOod point! About 6am!!! ;D
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:o ;D - mine is up at 7.00 a.m. apparently. Like she has a lot to do ::) - she had a 'good' day at the coast, I spoke to her briefly this morning. She was writing me a card ready to post on her way to Church coffee morning.
Mum tends to sleep evenings even when we are there …….. but insists on getting out of bed at silly o'clock, even setting the alarm :o
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:o ;D - mine is up at 7.00 a.m. apparently. Like she has a lot to do ::) - she had a 'good' day at the coast, I spoke to her briefly this morning. She was writing me a card ready to post on her way to Church coffee morning.
Mum tends to sleep evenings even when we are there …….. but insists on getting out of bed at silly o'clock, even setting the alarm :o
My Mum often goes to bed at 8.30 pm. She goes for her afternoon sleep after lunch and has at least an hour and sometimes two.
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Oh I had to do the afternoon sleep a couple of times this week already ::)
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Mum's ill again, though it doesn't sound as bad as before, except her vomit is black. I've told Dad to ring 111 for advice. I looked at the the NHS website, which states the need for medical attention. Apparently this attack kicked off yesterday and Dad has only contacted me now. I asked why not and he said he didn't know where I would be. :-\ I'm retired for goodness sake! Anything I might do can be cancelled. As DH said, if he had rung me, he would have found out where I was. He's got my mobile no. So frustrating. Anyway, he's going to ring me back when he's talked to someone. I wonder whether this attack was triggered by the fact it's the anniversary of my sister's death, though she has coped other years.
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Black blood is old blood ……. black vomit needs investigating, any news?
They try to be independent Ju Ju …….. which doesn't help anyone, either tell me at once or don't bother! :-\
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Not heard yet. Feeling a bit anxious. Such a shame as she has been feeling so much better and been to the shops independently on her scooter.
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You said recently that your Mum had improved. Hopefully it won't be anything that needs on-going treatment.
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Dad rang late. The 111 service sent an ambulance and Mum was taken to hospital, which is what I thought would happen with her symptoms. I shall ring the hospital later. I suspect I shall be travelling up the motorway later, leaving GS in charge of grandad.
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She's been admitted and is awaiting endoscopy. Dad wants me to go to visit tomorrow.
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Are you to meet your Dad at the Hospital? I'm sure that DGS will look after Grandad really well ;-)
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Sorry to hear about your Mum Ju Ju. :bighug:
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I hope your mum will be ok JuJu.
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She's had an X-ray of her abdomen and one or two other tests done, but they ran out of time for the endoscopy, which is being done tomorrow. She's nil by mouth and on a drip. Her salt levels are very low and glucose levels are too high ( which she is so careful about, but was being encouraged to up her protein intake due to weight loss). I'm going to spend the day with Dad tomorrow and take him to the hospital. I didn't go today, as Dad would rather I go tomorrow. I haven't the energy to go back and forth everyday and have to pace myself. I need a day to recover after going to visit. They are very much aware of that, so don't ask for more than I can give thank goodness. I shall go and boss Dad about! I'm not bossy by nature, but he seems to like me telling what to do!
Today, my GS bossed me and DH! A delight as always. He called me sensible Gram today, but I don't think it was a compliment as he then said he was daft like Grandad as if it were a badge of honour!
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Hope the endoscopy goes OK JuJu. X
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Sorry to hear about your mum, Ju Ju, I hope everything's ok :)
What a week we've had ::) My husband's Uncle is in hospital, frail and in his late 80s, and we're the closest family that are able to provide any help. So the care worker has unsuccessfully been trying to arrange intermediate care for him in a local care home, to free up the hospital bed and build him up before going home. But for all kinds of reasons there are hold ups, and now the care worker is on holiday and my husband's mum (in her 80s) is getting increasingly stressed about the situation and ringing my husband up for help...
On top of all this, my BIL has been critically ill in hospital (although thankfully, he seems to be getting slowly better, but it was touch and go for a while). And my dad's house sale, which I've pretty much organised single-handedly, is due to complete next week and I'm run ragged trying to clear the last of the items out of the house. Aargh! It never seems to end... there was SO much stuff! I'll be so happy when I don't have the house to worry about anymore. Dad (with dementia) asks about it all the time of course, and wants to go back, despite being in his lovely care home for over a year now with dreadful memory loss and speech problems. Mind you, he decided the other day that he was going to buy a battery powered bike so he can 'get around a bit'. This is the man who can barely shuffle to the back gate :D
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Sorry to hear about your mum, Ju Ju, I hope everything's ok :)
What a week we've had ::) My husband's Uncle is in hospital, frail and in his late 80s, and we're the closest family that are able to provide any help. So the care worker has unsuccessfully been trying to arrange intermediate care for him in a local care home, to free up the hospital bed and build him up before going home. But for all kinds of reasons there are hold ups, and now the care worker is on holiday and my husband's mum (in her 80s) is getting increasingly stressed about the situation and ringing my husband up for help...
On top of all this, my BIL has been critically ill in hospital (although thankfully, he seems to be getting slowly better, but it was touch and go for a while). And my dad's house sale, which I've pretty much organised single-handedly, is due to complete next week and I'm run ragged trying to clear the last of the items out of the house. Aargh! It never seems to end... there was SO much stuff! I'll be so happy when I don't have the house to worry about anymore. Dad (with dementia) asks about it all the time of course, and wants to go back, despite being in his lovely care home for over a year now with dreadful memory loss and speech problems. Mind you, he decided the other day that he was going to buy a battery powered bike so he can 'get around a bit'. This is the man who can barely shuffle to the back gate :D
Oh poor Dad .... I guess the mind is always willing. My Mums ancient bike is still in her shed and she used it, I guess until,she was in her late 60s. Every so,often she still says she'd love to get her bike out and go for a spin.
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Oh poor Dad .... I guess the mind is always willing. My Mums ancient bike is still in her shed and she used it, I guess until,she was in her late 60s. Every so,often she still says she'd love to get her bike out and go for a spin.
Thanks... it must be very frustrating for them, and the yearning to go back to younger days so, so strong... which is totally understandable of course. Sometimes in his more lucid moments, dad says it's the sense of freedom he misses most. Being able to drive, ride a bike, walk to the shops and so on.
A couple of months ago he decided he was going to take up fishing again ;D. And he often asks for more money in his wallet, despite having very little opportunity (or need) to spend it. Oh, and one of his latest was a 2-mile hill walk around the farms near the care home, which he'd figured out on his map and was very keen to try out! The mind is definitely willing :-)
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Seen my Mum. She's ok. The course of the attack is as normal. She hasn't had the endoscopy ......it's the weekend of course....she has to wait till Monday. They were concerned about her irregular heart beat, as they were before. Mums not worried about that, as it's nothing new. She's more concerned to have been put in a ward with dementia patients, so has to cope with the noise of one very distressed lady, one aggressive lady and one who will talk only to her toy dog. Poor Mum is well enough to have a gossip and has no one to talk to. Hopefully, they can treat whatever is wrong, probably ulcers, and send her home to recuperate.
Dads fine. I bullied him. >:( I saw what he had got himself tea. No protein, so suggested some cheese with it. He thought that was a good idea. It turns out he hasn't a clue about diet and food groups and of course mum does the cooking. I shall have to keep an eye on him if something happens to mum. I remember how shocked I was when I discovered Dad, a boffin, didn't know everything. I was a young teen and loved history. Shock, horror, he didn't know who the 6 wives of Henry Vlll! ::) A balanced diet. Another gap in his education!
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It's a man 'thing' too Ju Ju - would he be helped by having the food groups on different shelves in the fridge: i.e. small plates made up so that he gets used to putting food together? I believe there is a coloured paper plate idea too, with it marked off into carbs. etc.; things go together, i.e. a piece of fruit with cheese and biscuits, a biscuit with a cuppa/cocoa, meat and 2 veg.; who am I to advice :D :-X
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I shall have do some educating if need be! Hopefully, Mum will be home in a few days and able to boss him around! But if she died or had to have long term nursing care, then I will step in. DD will help and I suspect my niece will too.
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Mum had her endoscopy today, but no results so far.
She and Dad are annoyed that she is being spoken impatiently to by some staff, doctors I think, as if she has dementia. She can be vague when her salt levels are low ( a symptom ) and her hearing is not good, plus she is in a ward where the other patients do have dementia. Mum deserves respect, but so do people with dementia. The nursing staff do seem to be very caring.
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Yes, so do I. She's seems well enough to recuperate at home. It will depend on whether she has had a reoccurance of her duedonual ulcers and not something more sinister and if her salt levels are high enough. Her glucose levels have fallen, though not in the ideal range yet. I suspect everything goes topsy turvy whenever she had attacks at home and then level out. Her BP is up and down, but Dad says that's not unusual. He keeps a check on that. The doctors have no idea why her blood pressure plummets so dangerously low, when she has these hive attacks, though maybe her irregular heart beat has something to do with it. Yes, worrying, yet she has far outlived any of her relatives. Her parents died youngish as did all her siblings. I suspect that having a happy marriage and if not rich they, have managed their finances carefully and have had a steady income. Not so, the rest of her family.
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I noticed in recent weeks that when Mum is upset she forgets what is the appropriate word or uses the 'wrong' words. We have had some bad news in the last few days and she told me yesterday "She had her 3 children B4 you were married" - I think she meant B4 I was born but she insisted it was 'married' :sigh: - of course she is correct in one way in that the children were born but it was 35 years B4 I was married ::)
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I noticed in recent weeks that when Mum is upset she forgets what is the appropriate word or uses the 'wrong' words. We have had some bad news in the last few days and she told me yesterday "She had her 3 children B4 you were married" - I think she meant B4 I was born but she insisted it was 'married' :sigh: - of course she is correct in one way in that the children were born but it was 35 years B4 I was married ::)
My Mum has started forgetting birthdays. She always keeps a diary so I can only think she forgets to look at it. She is also forgetting who are children, grandchildren etc in family photos.
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Is she aware of 'forgetting'?
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Been to scoop dad up to see mum. She's doing well. The endoscopy showed nothing to explain the blood in her vomit. In fact her symptoms confuse the doctors. Trust mum to be different! She is likely to be discharged tomorrow as long as she does 3 wees after having her catheder removed ( hadn't produced the goods so far!) and an ECG shows nothing untoward. I've been bossing dad around! Tongue in cheek though. He does look tired. He goes on the bus when I'm not there and it takes an hour for what only takes 10 minutes in the car, but parking is a nightmare.
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Does your Dad get to chat on the bus journey Ju Ju?
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Does your Dad get to chat on the bus journey Ju Ju?
He goes on the bus when I'm not there usually. It's free, but he won't chat to anyone. I did go once on the bus with him when mum was in hospital the first time, and he will chat away to me. In fact he will chat to me one to one, but not when others are around. He is very introverted and mum is the more outgoing chatty one. When he worked he was a scientific boffin working with things rather than people. He says he would like to be like DH who is an effective communicator, mainly because it makes life easier. But as I pointed out we are all different and his skills are and were if immense value to the world.
Menomale, what a difficult situation. I hope someone can advise you on what to do. Do you have any support from other family members or are there any other people you can talk to? I know very little about Brazil.
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Rather superficial then. No friends to off load to?
Mums coming home! Dad rang. Sounded delighted.
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Had a couple of stressful, worrying days with Mum. Too exhausted to go into details.
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Menomale - have you asked your Dad what he would like rather than offering help? Or 'what would you advise others in your situation?' ……. hard work when the social support infrastructure isn't there or difficult to access! I would ask: once : those relatives because if they aren't aware ;-) although it may be easier in the long run to leave them to FaceBook :-\
Glad that your Mum is home Ju Ju.
:bighug: Pennyfarthing
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Had a rushed visit to dad today. Intended to stay longer but the removals company who were clearing out the last items from dad's house rang while I was at the care home and said they were on their way, sooner than expected. Lied to dad about my reason for leaving, because he doesn't know (and wouldn't understand) that the house is sold. Sigh. The dementia makes reasoned conversation impossible, and I've got used to being vague, or in this case just downright lying. It makes me feel horrible :'(
Big hugs to everyone that needs them :bighug:
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Don't you remember the Santa Clause story - 'white lies' can cover a multitude of problems ;).
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There is nothing wrong with telling 'white lies' when telling the truth will cause harm. Do not feel guilty!
I talked to Mum on the phone when she got home last night. She told me that she mentioned a pain and the fact she has had indigestion for the past few weeks, to the doctor who came to check her before he discharged her. He asked her why she hadn't been to her GP about it or mentioned it to anyone while she was in hospital. She replied that she has to go back and forth to the doctors as it is and she suffers from a lot of pain anyway, due to osteoporosis and anyway it wasn't in her chest. He said you are pointing to your chest and your heart. Needless to say he is referring her to a heart specialist! Her BP goes goes up and down, sometimes drastically and she has a heart murmur. Oh Mum! :-\ :bang: She moans about the little things, but never mentioned this or I would have been on her case.
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Hi all.
I've been reading this topic for a while and can really relate and sympathise with so many of you. My mother is 94 and still living at home on her own. With the help of carers, my sister and I do the rest.
My relationship with my mother is not great and is becoming more challenging as dementia takes hold.
She refuses to even consider a nursing home and thinks that my sister and I should just do more.
We just can't as we are both worn out, consequently we have put more carers into the house now and we are attempting to get a social worker to actually decide that mother is no longer safe to live alone as she will never listen to us.
It's so very hard especially trying to cope with an elderly relative while coping with meno and everything else that comes along at this time of life.
Honey100
That's a good old age Honey! My Mum is 92 and I think the time is nearing when she is going to have to move to sheltered accommodation. She actually wanted to when my Dad died 9 years ago but my stupid brother told her not to as all old people he knew who moved house then died!! He also told her he didn't know how she could leave her home with so many memories. All very well but he does nothing practical whatsoever for her.
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I'm sorry that your Mum expects so much.
I'm fortunate that my parents do not expect too much. They tend to protect me and worry about me, which can be wearing, but understandable as my sister died. My relationship with Mum is rather ambivalent due to questionable parenting of me, but I would say she tries to be a good Mum now.
I hope sharing this with your sister helps and you can support each other. I certainly miss my sister more than ever because of mum and Dad.
Your mums expectations are unrealistic and selfish, though whether this how is how it always was or whether this is related to aging,illness and dementia, only you can say. It is actually abusive putting her own wishes above your welfare. You must look at your own needs, decide what you are capable of doing and what you are prepared to do.
Part of my healthier relationship with my mum dates back to over 20 years, when an incident made me realise that the way mum had treated me was unacceptable. I had the choice of walking away permanently or putting boundaries in. There was no confrontation or discussion, just a decision. I was no longer at her beck and call or a victim because I decided not to be. There was a subtle shift in our relationship and I have been treated with respect ever since. I have had to get help with the anger.
When Mum is physically ill, she repeatedly refuses the doctor or an ambulance to be called. When she is better she is amazed at her behaviour. My dad finds it difficult to override this, as she's 'boss' which normally suits him. He now tends to ring ....eventually......so I can tell him what to do!
Your sister and you need to decide what is not only best for your mum but also for you. You both count and are important. You have done what you can and should not feel guilty. Unfortunately feelings creep in and want to be felt, don't they?
I hope you can get to talk a social worker. There are other members here who have been through similar situations, so may be able to advise on what to do next and who to talk to first of all.
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Even more stressed now! It is now becoming very apparent that Mum can't live on her own any longer. Just took a call from my niece who has been to see her today and says she fell out of bed early this morning.
I am not impressed because our phone woke us up at 10 to 6 this morning and I went off to answer it and the ansafone clicked in. No message was left. Then it rang again and I couldn't get to it in time. Hubby said "it can't be your mum because it says "unknown number" so we assumed it was a spoof call which we do sometimes get at odd hours.
Apparently she pressed her alarm bracelet and it must have rung here and then rang at my brothers house because according to niece he turned up and stayed with her for a while. Of course he didn't think to let me know because that's the type of ignorant pig he is!!! :'(
So I've been to chiropractor and shopping and nobody has contacted me until niece just did. She wanted my Mum to get checked with GP but she wouldn't. I can't ring her for a while because she will be in bed and I'll get told off if I wake her up.
Last week she broke her stair lift as a cardigan fell off the banister and got trapped (now repaired) this week she's had dizzy spells and been very confused and I don't think she's safe to be on her own anymore. Problem is neither brother speaks to me so we can hardly have a family conference can we and decide what's best? Niece is furious and is going to speak to her Dad and tell him to get his act together. IF I ring other brother, who was there this morning he would just put the phone down on me.
MUm wanted to move into sheltered housing 9 years ago when my Dad died but one brother told her not to as "old people die as soon as they leave their home" and "you can't leave all your memories behind." which is the biggest joke out because he does nothing practical to help her. I had to arrange for stairlift and wet room to be done and neither brothers could even be bothered to help with getting quotes for the work which the council insisted on. It's a nightmare I tell you!
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Could your neice be the go-between Pennyfarthing.
If she could speak to both of your brothers then a solution could be found that doesn't mean the three of you meeting. Or perhaps your hubby or one of your children could represent you.
Of course it would be much easier if you could all meet but if that's not possible then some kind of solution has to be found.
Is your mum strong enough to tell your brothers that she has decided to move.
I don't know how old your mum is but if she is very elderly is sheltered housing the best option for her.
They are not easy to come by generally.
This of course may not apply to your mum, but when they start to fail they generally never quite come back to where they were before. It can be a very slow decline though.
Has she been tested for a urine infection. That can cause the confusion and sometimes falls too.
So very hard for you as you only want the best for your mum.
I hope you can manage to get something sorted out. Does she have any help at home on a daily basis. My mother has free personal care four times a day at the moment which although is not enough now was very helpful in the beginning.
Honey100
thank you honey. I think niece will say something to her Dad and she, at least, had the sense to ring me and put me in the picture! we get on very well.
MUm just has a cleaner in for two hours one morning a week because so far she has coped pretty well. SHe is 92.
I have been on and on to Mum about drinking more and she keeps insisting she drinks plenty but she never does when she's here for the weekend so I don't believe her. Last night she told me "I have two bottles of water beside my bed now" and I said "yes but you DO have to drink it!!!" ;D
She has been very confused the last few days which have been exceptionally hot and I have told her to drink plenty or she will get dehydrated and confused. Short of pouring it down her throat I don't know what I can do. ::)
THank you for,listening. X
I have just contacted social services and asked for a care assessment but they can't process it until I have spoken to her and she has confirmed that she wants one so I have to ring back tomorrow after we have talked.
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:bang: :bang: :bang: it's because the Client's needs have to be taken into account, even if they are on the floor with a broken limb >:( - instead of listening to those who do the actually caring :cuss: ……..
Join in Honey100 …….. let us know how you get on!
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:bang: :bang: :bang: it's because the Client's needs have to be taken into account, even if they are on the floor with a broken limb >:( - instead of listening to those who do the actually caring :cuss: ……..
Join in Honey100 …….. let us know how you get on!
YEs .... And data protection apparently.
IN the meantime I have arranged for GP to call in on her tomorrow morning and I'm going along too. I suspect start of dementia or a water infection or maybe both. Then I will bring her back here to stay the night so I can get a proper picture of what's going on and get a few litres of fluid down her!!
I will ring her after tea and tell her all this and of course she won't hear half of it as she won't wear her hearing aids!! 😜
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Put your foot down with a firm hand !!!!
If anyone quotes Data Protection to me I ask them to read which part of the Data Protection Act they are quoting from. It is HUGE - and none of it referred to my particular situation but because I kept data on computer I had to pay £72.00 for 2 years. I have never seen anyone reported as being taken to Court for breaches of any part of the Act in the National Press though in the update magazines I received, there were plenty.
My Section was 60 pages long ::). So if anyone suggests that they can't share due to the Data Protection Act ask them to provide you with a copy of the relevant section ;-). It don't half stop cold callers ;D 'cos 'we are on the Telephone Preference Service' certainly doesn't ….. crikey, that was a meander :-X
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Thanks for all your kind responses regarding the 'white lies' I tell to dad. I've got used to having to do this, although it still goes against the grain and some lies are more difficult than others. You're all correct of course, that it does no good to tell the truth if it causes distress!
Honey100, I don't think our elderly relatives realise that we're all a little older ourselves, with other responsibilities and possible health issues too. My dad often tells me that the residents in his care home have been dumped there because their children can't be bothered to look after them (which presumably includes me!). Dad calls it a prison, and he and one of the other male residents sit and plan their escape! It's a lovely place, very homely, but it'll never be enough ;-)
Ju Ju, I totally agree that's important to establish boundaries. That we need to consider ourselves too, and not allow ourselves to be 'abused'. My dad behaves more childlike now, and is prone to make unreasonable demands. White lies sometimes work... and then he forgets ;-) So I don't stress now about the 'demands' and rarely act on them anymore.
Sorry to read about your situation, Penny Farthing, it's so difficult, especially when family can't agree. And it sounds like your mum can't look after herself any longer. My dad was similar before his fall, and it was only after being admitted to hospital that we realised the full extent of what was happening... he was dehydrated, losing weight, terrible memory loss/confusion made worse by the hospital. I found out he'd been stockpiling his tablets and not taking them. It was horrible. And this was despite us having supported him at home for about 10 years. Trouble is, you have to be very firm with the authorities (and sometimes family) in order to get things sorted out. And I agree with CLKD, that it's SO frustrating that the consent is sought from the client at every turn despite it being bloomin' obvious that they are no longer capable of making the required decisions!!! Aargh! Anyway, my best advice would be to write a general letter, listing ALL your concerns, print out a dozen copies and give to anyone involved in your mum's care. Doing this helped me a lot with dad, because even though we had POA the social care workers still didn't want to take notice of us (until I put everything in writing, and handed it to them).
Stellajane, sometimes family has to step back before the local authority will help... like you say, they are happy for family to do the caring (LA's are so stretched these days).
I sometimes wonder where it's all going to end? The social care situation, I mean? More and more people needing it, and family carers getting older and less able to provide the caring :(
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The Government of the day easily pushes mental health issues and care in old age under the carpet. They will be able to pay for full nursing care without thinking about it!
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Busy, busy! Been on phone to social worker and said mum is ok with being assessed. From my description she agrees that it sounds like a urine infection and has told me to get GP to see if he can get a health bed for her for a few days. She says sometimes they don't have a clue how to do this so she has given me the direct number for him to ring!!
I had planned to bring her back here for the night but she says in her opinion a few days in hospital would be better. She took full details of mums situation at home and thinks she could do with carers going in a few times a day to help her get dressed, prepare ready meal etc so she conserves her energy.
I have to meet GP and then ring her straight back so she can arrange for carers to go in if necessary.
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Let us know how you get on, Pennyfarthing.
Remember I mentioned that we've been trying to sort out elderly uncle's situation (he was admitted to hospital, sent home after a few days, readmitted a day later and has been there ever since). Social care assessed him, and low-and-behold, he wanted to go home. But we intervened and insisted he have at least two weeks respite in a care home, which took 10 days to sort out... but it turns out the care home won't take him because his needs are too great!!! And this is the man the man that social care want to send home! Good job there's another care home (which we had to push for) that is better equipped and has a space, so fingers crossed he moves there this afternoon :-)
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He probably needs Full Nursing Care. Remember that any Nursing Care should be free 'at the point of delivery', including in Nursing Homes.
Mine walked 2 miles home from the hairdressers on Wed., was really really hot apparently ::)
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No water infection! She did find her confused though but I thought Mum was actually quite good today. I told her about ringing her and her just answering the phone saying "I need help. I don't know where I am" etc. And she agreed this was worrying.
BP is fine. She looked back through notes and another GP had mentioned organising an MRI scan of brain to see what's going on. She is going to book this when she goes back. Social services are sending in someone to help her get up, dressed, washed and get breakfast each day and offered lunch and evening but mum said she would see how that goes.
I have brought her back here until Sunday night so I can keep an eye on her and she can have company. We are reclining in summerhouse!! :).
She insisted on ringing my brother who doesn't speak to me as soon as we got in. Got through to his wife and I could hear snippets and when she came off phone she said "she's contradicting everything I've told her and says why do we need paid carers going in when the two of them are always around."
Well, I nearly exploded!!! She can't drive so never goes alone, brother pops In for 10 mins max and does nothing. Most weekends they are away so where does that leave Mum? They never take her out, never have her at their house etc etc. It's almost like they want something untoward to happen to her for some reason!!
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Could your Mother be playing you off against each other; by that conversation does she want you to speak to your brother [regardless of the real situation?]. My Mum does that :-\.
Could your Mum have woken suddenly to answer the phone ……… hence the 'don't know where I am' comment?
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They probably won't believe it though. Been there with my Husband's family of 8 siblings but his Mum was the one to whom full care fell upon - her brothers/sisters wouldn't believe how much daily work it took!
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I expect she will be all sweetness and light >:( ::) ……… on her 'best' behaviour!
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oh dear, so sorry for you all having such difficulties, thought my time was rough.
Sorry cant remember who said what now, but my Mum is another who refuses to mention her chest pains, she got told off by community matron last week as it is looking like she had a bad angina attack and did nothing about it, my Dad also has to do as he is told and not phone for help. Mum is getting a bit 'odd' of late, I had her urine checked again last week and it is not an infection, so the 'mind clinic' were on the phone to her, matron must have called them, they then phoned me to make an appointment for assessment, got it all sorted out and they have sent her a letter from the 'dementia clinic' so she flipped this morning over that one, just hoping I can manage to get her there as its another 3 weeks off yet. I think its dehydration as she will not drink enough, but having said that she is asleep more than awake these days so simply forgets.
I now know why I struggled for help then, as I am the daughter and live locally it is expected then. I am also doing a bit for an elderly couple who' dog I walk, they have family but seems they are left to it.
Hope you all get the help you need, and a bit of restbite needed for us all I think.
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Lynda, has your Mum had her salt levels checked? This has been an ongoing problem when she has her attacks. She becomes very confused and vague, but once sorted she is much more with it. The first time it happened, I did think it the the start of dementia. UTIs also leave her confused.
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Hate to say this PF but it might be as well for you to ring your brother and have a chat.
From here it sounds awful like they are begrudging any money spent on your Mother's care.
Surely that can't be the case given the two of them are always around........
If, it is the case that they are correct and it is your mother getting confused then it would be as well to find out what is actually going on. Anyway, it wouldn't harm for them to get to grips with the amount of care she needs now and is getting from you.
THey would just put the phone down on me! When my Mum had ops on her eyes and came here for a few days they didn't even ring up. Once I got to Mums and he was there and I actually stood in the doorway so he couldn't get past me to ignore me and Mum stood there and I said "hello" as normal even though he never replies. I asked him why he doesn't speak to me and he grunted "got nothing to say to you." MUm was really upset so I said to him "I don't care how you are when you're out but when you're in Mums house you shouldn't upset her and you should be polite." He just sneered. :'(
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Why didn't PF's Mum do something about the situation earlier on? What hold do the sons have ……. it's the same in Mum's relationship to my sister who can do no wrong: golden daughter >:(.
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Hate to say this PF but it might be as well for you to ring your brother and have a chat.
From here it sounds awful like they are begrudging any money spent on your Mother's care.
Surely that can't be the case given the two of them are always around........
If, it is the case that they are correct and it is your mother getting confused then it would be as well to find out what is actually going on. Anyway, it wouldn't harm for them to get to grips with the amount of care she needs now and is getting from you.
THey would just put the phone down on me! When my Mum had ops on her eyes and came here for a few days they didn't even ring up. Once I got to Mums and he was there and I actually stood in the doorway so he couldn't get past me to ignore me and Mum stood there and I said "hello" as normal even though he never replies. I asked him why he doesn't speak to me and he grunted "got nothing to say to you." MUm was really upset so I said to him "I don't care how you are when you're out but when you're in Mums house you shouldn't upset her and you should be polite." He just sneered. :'(
Oh PF that is such a shame - especially for your Mum.
Ok plan B - just go ahead and sort out anything that is required for your Mum.
Presumably they'll not be around to contradict anything that's arranged.
Not nice though.
Hugs
:hug: :hug:
IT is a great shame Hasty but it won't change now despite me trying repeatedly. MUm hates it all but they don't care and she never takes sides. I have been doing plan B for some time. Whatever Mum wants doing or wants to buy I just sort it myself and consult no one. If she needs to go for an appointment anywhere I sort that too. Only once have I ever told her she will have to get one of my brothers to take her as I had a hospital appointment elsewhere myself.
He didn't even ring me the other day when Mum fell off her bed and pressed her alarm. My niece (not his daughter) rang me much later the next day. THank you for listening.
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Why didn't PF's Mum do something about the situation earlier on? What hold do the sons have ……. it's the same in Mum's relationship to my sister who can do no wrong: golden daughter >:(.
I've asked her many times CLKD and all she says is she is not taking sides. Had she said years ago that she was not prepared to let anybody be rude or ignorant to anybody while in her house we might not be in this situation now. But it's much too late.
We were chatting this afternoon and I said "they always see you when you're sitting in your front room looking OK. They never have to push you around Tesco in a wheelchair or watch you stumbling around. They never have you over their house and they never take you out for a drive even." Mum said "oh but they're so busy having building work done on their house." I reminded her that she has been coming here for years, when we've had no tiles on the kitchen floor, when we've had no functional bathroom and when there's been wet paint everywhere. She knows I'm right but won't admit it! ;)
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It builds resentment ………. and anger that my Mum favoured my younger sister from day 1. I think I know why as I have flashbacks to B4 she was born :-\. Family dynamics can be repeated down the years until the real reason for fall outs is long forgotten!
My sister was apparently 'busy bringing up her boys' or 'short of money so can't travel to see me that often' …… but I know who will be in at the reading of the Will!
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Lynda, has your Mum had her salt levels checked? This has been an ongoing problem when she has her attacks. She becomes very confused and vague, but once sorted she is much more with it. The first time it happened, I did think it the the start of dementia. UTIs also leave her confused.
Mum is 'meant' to have them regularly checked as we have been down that road before too with the salt levels, I did have her urine tested for the UTI too, as had that one before also. I will bring that up when/if we get to the clinic. Thanks for advice though x
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Families, eh >:(. Pennyfarthing, similar thing happened between my mum and her brother... their relationship broke down while my mum was caring for their dad (my grandfather) and brother (who could do nothing wrong ;)) would pop in for 10 minutes from time to time and tell mum how to do the caring! They never spoke after that :'(. It is sad; if it were me and you ever needed to communicate with your brother, I think I would write a letter and type the name and address on the envelope so that it wasn't thrown away before opening. Just a thought x
Regarding elderly uncle who's being transferred to a care home, it didn't happen yesterday after all, but should be happening this morning instead. We're waiting to hear. He's self-funding so I'm not sure where we stand on paying for care - he had some re-enablement care at home prior to his latest hospital admission and the LA claims this was his 'free' allotted care in place of his entitlement to respite/intermediate care. I know from experience that continuing health care is almost impossible to get because the criteria is so high (especially in his area), and since we don't have POA I'm not sure we could push for it anyway.
In other news, we completed on my dad's house yesterday. The house sale and clearance has occupied me for over a year, so it feels strange. Dad doesn't know - it's going to be odd talking to him about the house, knowing that it doesn't belong to him anymore :'(
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It builds resentment ………. and anger that my Mum favoured my younger sister from day 1. I think I know why as I have flashbacks to B4 she was born :-\. Family dynamics can be repeated down the years until the real reason for fall outs is long forgotten!
My sister was apparently 'busy bringing up her boys' or 'short of money so can't travel to see me that often' …… but I know who will be in at the reading of the Will!
I wonder how some people are chosen as favourites? I have a friend who is 54 and she was the first born in her family but her mother much preferred her younger sister and to a lesser extent her brother. She has not seen any of them for about 30 years. As a teenager she was never allowed to have trendy clothes but her sister was. Likewise she wasn't allowed to put pop posters in her bedroom wall but her sister was. She used to get slapped but the other two never did and it was always "why can't you be more like our Susan."
I suggested she might have had a different father but my friend reckons her dad and her are very alike in looks so she doubts that. He died some years ago and because he worked away a lot when my friend was growing up she got the brunt of her mothers temper and spite.
As soon as she was old enough she left home and supported herself and made a good career. It's such a shame because she's a really nice, talented person and is now married to a GP and done very well for herself.
Families hey?
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Narcissistic behaviour can be the basis of some parenting issues. I was told "You should know better, you *are* the oldest" …… my younger sister was out at dances from the age of 10, smoking from 11, whereas I had to be in by 9.30. What was that about only that they had more control over me :-\ and it was/is easier to allow my sister to go her own way >:(
Nursing care should be free at the point of delivery, i.e. no one in the UK should have to pay for nursing care in *any* situation. It's B&B that is charged for, plus all the other costs of running a 'care' home ;-).
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Morning Menomale! I chose not to have any kids too ::) - there may be a thread about that somewhere here, but menobrain can't remember ::)
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:lol:
Mine is certain that it's "the right thing for her elder brother to be in a care home" [recently arranged for him] but if she thinks that I might be suggesting it for her, crikey, I get it in the ear >:(
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We were so very lucky with both our sets of parents but my grandmother was an absolute narcissistic nightmare. I so sincrely hope that our three are not talking about us like this in 20 or 30 years time :(.
that's interesting menomale, I may make a post in the aspie thread if I can find it.
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Uncle was transferred from hospital to the care home yesterday - he's booked in for 2 weeks respite (his wife who does most of his caring is 90 and registered blind). He was pleased to see us when we visited in the afternoon but it was quickly apparent how confused & disorientated he is, mobility & swallowing poor too. Hopefully the care home will help build him up (he's also painfully thin).
Unfortunately Aunt (his wife) keeps talking about 'when he comes home' and to be honest, he looks a lot like he belongs in the care home :-/.
One step at a time, I guess. My husband's been looking at private home carers as an alternative to the LA provided ones... hoping to find something more suitable, since the experience of care-at-home so far has been very poor :-(
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I suggest that you leave well alone ………. however much you try 'full-time' carers in the home will be expensive.
Do let us know if you get a list of what it would cost, we costed it as for 2 and a half self-employed cares in the home would be £K70-100 ……. more if 1 had to provide a Pension Plan. Then 1 gets into H&S, Insurance for employing someone [public liability] …… plus the cost of specialised beds, lifting into and out of a bath …….
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Thanks Menomale, as you say, we can only do our best :)
I suggest that you leave well alone ……….
CLKD, I'm inclined to think the same... it'll come to needing a care home at some point and (imo) that will be soon. The care home costs would be about £850/week each in the place that Uncle is now staying. Less pension and attendance allowance so possibly it would come down to about £600/week each. That's over £60,000 per year :o. Of course, there are cheaper but possibly less suitable care homes.
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I worried myself silly about mother needing care and how we would go about it. In the end she didn't require it as the cancer took her whilst she was still independent and compos mentis. I am fortunate that I do not have memories of her in care and I wish you all well with your difficult decisions.
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Yes, I worry about my parents needing care. Long may they cope in their own home, where they are much happier. They've lived in the same house since 1958!
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The question of 'if or when' to move out of the family home is so difficult. It took a crisis for my dad to move out - he'd talked about it for years beforehand but the dementia took hold so was unable to reason it out for the few years before his fall. A friend who's mum has alzheimers once told me that it was best to move elderly relatives while they can still make new memories. Otherwise they might never settle, and I can vouch for that! My friend left it too long with his mum but they are fortunate they can afford a live-in carer.
There's no right or wrong decision, though. Every situation is different.
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Mine refuses to consider moving from her house (since the 1960s). If I even mention future care I get shouted at that I'm 'trying to put me away in a home' :-\ …. expect that many are of that mind-set, the thought of making new memories doesn't come into it. Me, I don't want to leave my ponds :'( - we've put a lot of time, energy, fish food and spent hours sitting, resting, watching ……… and the thought of sharing a bathroom/loo leaves me cold.
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Oh dear. Uncle refused his lunch in the home and took to his bed this afternoon in protest. Aunt was visiting at the time and is understandably upset (even though she fully realises that she also needs the respite while he's there). So complicated, isn't it?
I know what you mean CLKD, and the thing about 'new memories' isn't something I'd expect the person who needs caring for to understand... it was just something that helped me when the time came to make a decision about dad's future. It's a horrible situation that nobody ever wants to think about :'(. And no matter how nice the care home is, I'm pretty sure everybody would prefer to be at home ;)
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Oh dear - how R the Staff managing the strop? Maybe someone outside of the family needs to ask what his problem really is? I know many years ago of a man in Hospital who stopped eating - someone eventually asked what was wrong and apparently no one had told him how his dog was being cared for …….. when his nephew brought the dog onto the Ward the man brightened and began to improve ;)
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I think Uncle needs a day or two without any visitors, to allow him time to get used to the routine. It's not likely to happen though (aunt goes everyday). We'll ring the care home later and ask a few questions ;-)
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I took my mum back last night and she looked so much better than when I picked her up on Friday night. I had a chance to really see how she is 24/7 and it's obvious to us all that she needs help at home. It takes her over an hour to get up and dressed in the morning and then by the time she's had breakfast and a little sit down she's ready for a sleep again! Her legs are very weak and I have told her she must use her stick in the house now. She nearly slid off the bed here trying to get dressed so I have cleared the otterman in her bedroom of clutter and she must now use that.
When I left her I reminded her that social services would be contacting me to say when someone can call each day and help her get dressed, washed etc. And of course check she is OK. She says my 2 brothers and SIL won't be happy because when I arranged for her to have a cleaner they said she shouldn't have people in "nosing around". I was furious and said "right then! Tell them to be at your house every morning at 7am and get you out of bed and supervise your shower, put your bra on you (she finds that really hard), stockings, clothes and then take you down and make breakfast." She recognises that she really needs this help to conserve her energy for the rest of the day and she wants the reassurance that someone will be checking on her that she hasn't fallen in the night.
They make me SO angry!! They only ever see her when she might be sitting comfortably on her sofa reading a magazine and looking OK they don't see what I've seen this weekend when she's standing like a giraffe trying to keep upright!
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Your Mum has to take responsibility for allowing them to put her ideas down, she needs to learn that it's OK for her to say mind your own b….y business, this is what I need right now and this is how it will be done!
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Your Mum has to take responsibility for allowing them to put her ideas down, she needs to learn that it's OK for her to say mind your own b….y business, this is what I need right now and this is how it will be done!
Too late for that I'm afraid CLKD. She should have been firmer years ago. I think she will stick to her guns on this (because she knows she is so unsteady) but she won't say anything to upset them. I was telling my friend about this today and she says "sounds to me like they don't want her spending her money so there's less left for them."
They've got a shock coming because I am persuading her to buy a proper chair that lifts you up to get out .... She couldn't get off our sofa, the chairs in the summerhouse or even my hubby's recliner ... Without a struggle. It's not a luxury, it's now a necessity unless they want her falling down again. She's also got a man coming to measure up for vertical blinds in her downstairs rooms because her others are all cracked and brittle and she can't close them properly.
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This is so frustrating, Pennyfarthing! To fight old age issues is tough but having to deal with uncooperative family is even worse.
ITs not right is it Menomale? It's frustrating, hurtful and makes me so annoyed.
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Make sure your mum gets her Attendance Allowance if she isn't already getting it Pennyfarthing - she will certainly qualify for it and it does help.
Thank you Stella. She does already get that and pays for her cleaner from that which costs £20 a week. I have explained to her that she can pay for her carer from the rest of that but will probably have to top it up a bit.
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I can feel everyone's frustration with their family & circumstances in this thread :'( At least we all know we're not alone... :-\
The saga of Aunt and Uncle continues. We popped into the care home briefly this afternoon, to see how Uncle was doing. Aunt was there (again). Uncle was getting around fine with his frame, but not very communicative and displaying some odd behaviours... such as insisting on sitting on the edge of his bed and leaning back into nothing, and just staying there like that despite our suggestions he'd more comfortable in the (empty) chair! Aunt was then giving him leaflets to read(!) and all the time he was half sat/half lay down. Trouble is, Aunt can't see what's happening because of her partial blindness, which we now think is worse than she's telling people.
So this evening Aunt rings us demanding the phone number of the social worker (which she already has) because she wants Uncle home again asap. He's unhappy there she says, and it's making him worse. There's truth in this of course, but I suspect he's actually deteriorating.
OH will speak to the care worker himself tomorrow too and go from there. I want to pull back a bit... their home is unsafe, has no downstairs loo and not much floor space, and sadly it might take another crisis. At the very least, they need care in place before Uncle goes home. It's getting very difficult now.
Feels good to write it down... thanks!
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How about a 'wheeled walker' PF? Apparently some have a tray which means users can make a cuppa and then take it where they want to go. Also a commode chair for the bedroom is invaluable if it's placed near the bed. [suggested by a friend who knows about these assistance aids ;-) ]. I am aware of non-slip surfaces (we use them in the camper to stop bags moving around the floor space) as well as non-tip cups and saucers but never worked how they don't tip ::).
The non-slip surfaces can be cut to size. Good camping shops sell rolls of the stuff ;)
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How about a 'wheeled walker' PF? Apparently some have a tray which means users can make a cuppa and then take it where they want to go. Also a commode chair for the bedroom is invaluable if it's placed near the bed. [suggested by a friend who knows about these assistance aids ;-) ]. I am aware of non-slip surfaces (we use them in the camper to stop bags moving around the floor space) as well as non-tip cups and saucers but never worked how they don't tip ::).
The non-slip surfaces can be cut to size. Good camping shops sell rolls of the stuff ;)
Thanks for all the tips CLKD. I think a wheeled walker will be next or a Zimmer frame on wheels ... Is that the same thing? pretty sure she wouldnt use a commode though. Space is tight in her bedroom and if I put a commode on the other side of her bed then it would only be a couple more steps to her toilet.
She was quite chirpy tonight and looking forward to a visit tomorrow morning from the man who will supply her new vertical blinds. She got a lift to and from her luncheon club today and had a "lovely salad with new potatoes followed by icecream." she said the salad was as good as any you would get in a top hotel!!! God I love phone calls like this, where she's OK, chirpy and I can go to bed without worrying. ;)
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Nope. If you look on a 'mobility aid' website you'll see lots of ideas ;-)
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Mum has the raised toilet, so I'm practicing ;)
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All those aids can be supplied free of charge for someone on attendance allowance. My mum sampled the entire collection!
The wheeled walker with tray was interesting. Sounds so simple doesn't it? However, there were lots of incidents getting said walker over the doorbar between kitchen and living room - spilled drinks and all that - and it was soon relegated to the garden shed!
The items mum did find useful were her non wheeled zimmer frame with net bag attached, which enabled her to move small items from room to room, and the raised toilet seat frame which enabled her to get on and off the loo without being afraid of falling.
Gosh - lots to look forward to in old age isn't there?
Mum has a raised toilet seat from when she had her knee op. We returned all the other perching stool, wheeled things, frames etc but they didn't want this back.
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Absolutely frazzled tonight. Left here at 12.15 and got back about 6. Collected mum, drove her to hospital for chest X-ray (don't know why but GP booked it). Bought her a sausage roll and tea in cafe there. Then she announced she wanted new bras so we went to our usual really old fashioned lingerie shop and the assistant sorted her out with a pull on bra as she finds them hard to put on now.
I have been looking into recline and rise chairs for her as she has to bounce herself about 6 times with legs wide apart to get off any of her chairs or sofa. Went and test drove a few ;D and ended up persuading her to buy one for £800 but it's lovely and she can operate it and gets out of it beautifully. I hadn't realised there was so much involved but the salesman explained that she only needed a petite chair and if it's too big she will slouch and won't be able to touch the floor. As soon as we got outside she was worrying about what my horrible brother and his wife would say. I said that its her money, none of their business and her safety is more important that anything. She said "what will I tell them if they ask how much it cost" I said "do you ask them how much any of their stuff costs?" she said she wouldn't dream of it so I told her to say "enough." ;D
Anyway, she says the chair is SO comfy, she'll be safe and it's being delivered on Tuesday.
Then we went and did her weekly shop and then I took her home. Then I drove home and finally got to sit down for our meal about 7.00.
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As they don't visit Pennyfarthing, what's the real problem? Does your Mum need to tell them anything? Or do they have some kind of 'hold' on her :-\. 'enough' should be sufficient!
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As they don't visit Pennyfarthing, what's the real problem? Does your Mum need to tell them anything? Or do they have some kind of 'hold' on her :-\. 'enough' should be sufficient!
Oh they do visit .... Just for about 10 minutes! MY brother pops in if he's working in the area and Mum makes him coffee while he reads her paper, then he's gone. His wife doesn't drive but sometimes they come over to the shop near Mum because they have no shop in their village and they might pop in for a few minutes.
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Maybe see whether they notice ;)
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I am free all weekend and don't quite know what to do with myself. I can read, knit, sit outside as the weather is fab, go to the beach, pull up a few weeds, do my online Spanish course ..... Just not sure what to do first! ;D
Had mum all last weekend and also took her out for hours on Thursday to hospital, bra shop, shopping etc so I said was it OK if I didn't see her this weekend.
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Well, the new recline/rise chair was delivered yesterday and Mum tells me she likes it and can work it fine! We have been thinking about booking a holiday for ages and late last night I was tired, hubby was actually listening to me and I booked a holiday online for the first week in October to Majorca.
Woke up this morning worrying about my decision! Mainly because of Mum. Trouble is it has to be a certain week, it has to be from our local airport and every time I look there are less holidays available from there. So it's done.
There has been some improvement in my knee the last few days and I just feel I can't put off booking a holiday any longer. If my X Ray appointment comes through before I go that's fine.
Have to take Mum to hairdresser and dentist on Friday and between the two she will come to mine and have some lunch and a nap so I will mention my holiday then. She will say "when will you be back" as she always does! ;D
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Would it be worth looking into respite care for your mum so that you can go away and properly relax? My grandad lived with my parents for the last 4 years of his life, and he went to a local family who offered respite care in their own home (it was arranged via Social Services) - a bit like foster care for oldies! Grandad loved going - he got spoilt rotten for the week, the family had two young children who adored him and there was a small dog to play with! He would 'encourage' mum and dad to go on holiday so he could go too ;D
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Would it be worth looking into respite care for your mum so that you can go away and properly relax? My grandad lived with my parents for the last 4 years of his life, and he went to a local family who offered respite care in their own home (it was arranged via Social Services) - a bit like foster care for oldies! Grandad loved going - he got spoilt rotten for the week, the family had two young children who adored him and there was a small dog to play with! He would 'encourage' mum and dad to go on holiday so he could go too ;D
She's all of a dither tonight and took forever to answer her phone. I will give that some thought Scampi but I doubt whether the idea will be very popular with my brothers. Thanks
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B..g………. the brothers >:(. Your Mum, her choice …….. does she have a urine infection PennyF?
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Did he come back?
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PF your mum doesn't half remind me of how mine was. You see them one day and think "she's ok" then a few days later you find yourself worried to death because they've done or said something that's just not right. At least my brother (who lives hundreds of miles away) just lets me get on with it and is in agreement with whatever decisions I make on her behalf. I hope you get to enjoy your holiday.
Spot on! I rang her last night and she was quite chirpy and you wouldn't think there was anything wrong with her. The night before she was awful and really worried me. Just going off now to pick her up! Let's see what today brings! ;)
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Maybe she was tired or had woken from a sleep? My Mum is very low now that her brother is in one Hospital and his wife in a care home :sigh: - the situation is dragging her down and I can't help due to anxiety.
Menomale - how long do you need to stay around him?
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Reminds me of late M in L. She was in Addenbrookes for treatment/investigation regarding a brain tumour. She told us that there was money hidden in the house but the 4 of us were unable to find it. We searched EVERYWHERE ….. when she came home 3 weeks later she went straight to the cupboard where it was hidden. >:( about £300.00 :o.
Start in the microwave PennyF., followed by the washing machine, under the mattress, in the laundry basket …… make a cuppa …….. maybe she'll remember once you are both searching.
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Crikey! Maybe you need financial advice in case more turns up :o. I can't remember what someone is allowed to have in savings 'cos it's altered in recent years ::).
Hope that the socks turn up! Will be interesting to see if your Mum remembers or whether you come across them. Wise to take it from the house though …….. this started with a pair of hand knitted socks …….. could be funny if it wasn't quite so serious ::): I can hear Victoria Wood getting to work on the scenario.
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My mother always liked to have some cash in the house in case she couldn't get to the bank, which is a valid reason given the number of local branches which are closing! She was also told that she had to use the cash point instead of going inside which worried her a lot as that was on a busy street and she had difficulty remembering the code.
Is it possible that the cleaner has tidied the socks away?
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Pennyfarthing - could you re-instate the tins on the mantlepiece trick? labelled with gas, electric, bread, milk etc.? so that a small amount of cash is put into them to settle your Mum's mind? kept in 1 place …… the rest of the monies can be in your care, we used to take M in L to the Building Society every couple of weeks to deposit what was left over from the Pension. Really she didn't need to spend much at all, in the same way as my Mum doesn't ………. she keeps cash in a drawer 'upstairs' but I've never asked which drawer - yet.
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Sock saga continues. On phone tonight Mum tells me she's hunting for the socks and is so upset about her hard work. I said "what hard work?" and she reckons she knitted them!! I said I knitted them for you the Xmas before last. She did knit me a pair about 13 years ago which were green and orange and the ones I made her are purple and blue.
THen she says she remembers bringing them over here a couple of months ago so would I look here as she's sure she showed them to my hubby and showed him how nice they washed. I said "well if that's the case how come you reckon there's money inside them and you think you put them on the wardrobe shelf." She says maybe she took the money out. She's all confused.
We've heard today that she has to have a head scan on Sunday because she's been confused and she stumbles so I'll take her for that and hopefully it will let us know what's going on.
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I hope the scan gives you some answers.
I'm sure you've checked, but look under the bottom drawer of cabinets for squirreled money - my granddad kept his 'float' (as he called it) in a sock under the bottom drawer of his bedside cabinet. You could only find it if you actually took the drawer out.
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Hello ladies.
I've just been reading this thread with interest as so much of what is said reminds me of MIL. She's 89 and in very poor health physically but not too bad mentally. However she has a habit of ' remembering ' things that clearly never happened. A few months ago we had a lot of work done to our house which included removing a wall and lowering some ceilings. When we were telling MIL about all the disruption this caused she said she remembered all the dust from when one of her walls was knocked down and how everything had to be piled up on the stairs, we were amazed at this story as no such thing ever happened, you only had look around the house to see that all the walls were still intact! We don't argue with her as it upsets her but her daughter gets angry and challenges her all the time. Most recently MIL was recalling how she watched the Queen's coronation in 1953 on television at a neighbours house, she said she clearly recalls her baby daughter sitting in a high chair at the time. Well, SIL was listening to this story and immediately asked how that was possible when the coronation was in June and her birthday is in October! MIL looked deflated and even more confused after that. I think that although she refers to these stories as memories they are just a mixture of emotions and wishful thinking wrapped around real events.
Looking after the elderly is very hard work as you all know.
Take care everyone.
K.
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It could also be that walls were knocked down during her childhood - or at a house of her friends? which as you say, is muddled in recollection. Mum has had a few shocks in recent weeks and seems more muddled on the 'phone. It makes discussions during her weekly phone call even more difficult to follow ::).
SIL needs to learn to button up :-X - ask her whether she really wants 2 cause upset in order to be 'right'. I did it once with MiL many years ago and her confusion really wasn't worth it :-\.
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Quite right CLKD - I learned years ago not to argue a point .... because what's the point? We would sit listening to my mum's yarns nodding our heads and saying "yes" in appropriate places whilst thinking "no way". Often it would really make me laugh, I'd just give her a smile and we'd move on.
When you think about it, its pretty cruel to keep correcting someone who's memory is becoming impaired. Far easier and kinder all round simply to enter into their world of half truths. You don't want to look back on your loved ones final years as being a time of constant verbal battling.
It is indeed very hard work Kathleen.
That's very true StellaJane. In my case this forgetfulness/confusion has crept up on us all of a sudden and it still shocks me a bit to be honest when she comes out with stuff like that. However, I can see exactly what you mean and realised a few weeks ago that it's often easier to say nothing about some things. There are things I've had to correct her about though for her own wellbeing like Not putting the heat on when it's nearly 30c outside! ;)
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Hello again ladies.
I also think it's cruel to challenge MIL's recollections which is why we don't do it but SIL does it often. Their mother and daughter relationship has always been difficult and combative so it's no surprise really, plus I think SIL learnt all her critical skills from her mother anyway. A few weeks ago MIL's character seemed to change and she was much more amenable if a little distant and sleepy and SIL said she couldn't remember a time when her mother was so nice to her! We were starting to wonder if MIL had an infection or maybe even a minor stroke but before long she was back to her usual self so the cause of her personality change remains a mystery but I think SIL's comments speaks volumes about their relationship over the years.
Wishing everyone well.
K.
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Did your Mum complain of feeling cold or too hot Pennyfarthing ?
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I think there's a big difference in correcting the memories of someone who may be a bit confused compared with telling someone to do something which affects their health or wellbeing. My grandmother would ask the same question over and over and it was easier to keep answering instead of pointing out that she kept asking, no matter how frustrating it got.
That said MIL, who does not have any memory problems, used to come out with some interesting (and totally incorrect) stories, often involving my mother, and I was sometimes tempted to challenge her, but decided against it. I'm fairly sure she only said them to FIL or OH, and it wasn't malicious stuff, just a bit odd, so it wasn't hurting anyone.
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Sock saga ..... Still not turned up. For the last few days she's also been telling me she's lost her little "black book. ". I gave her a BLUE notebook a few months ago to write down all her appointments at hospital, nurse etc. And it worked well. She always kept it in her handbag and took it to all her appointments. Now that's disappeared. She's asked at the surgery but it's not there and she says she's searched everywhere at home with no luck.
Tonight she let it slip that she's also now told my 2 brothers about the missing socks and money and guess what they've said it must be her cleaner!! The other day when she confided in me she said she wasn't telling them as they'd be cross but now she has. I said "why did you tell them?" and she said "in case they had any clues" so I said "and did they?" "Only that it could be the cleaner." :o
Me and Hubby don't think she'd risk her job and her reputation and if it was her she would have surely tried it on before.
So now we have a blue book missing and the socks and possibly some money. She asked me again tonight if I'd looked in the corner of my lounge where I keep my knitting stuff in case sh had put them there. This is getting me down and I just wish the socks would turn up. :'(
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But what if the socks with the (?) money and the little book all went into the bin and have sailed off to landfill? Its not beyond the realms of possibility. You may just have to draw a line under the incident.
You'll need to be very careful how you handle the situation with the cleaner as no-one likes to feel they're being suspected of stealing.
Its possible StellaJane but I doubt it. she only uses one small pedal bin before it gets emptied into wheelie bin and She is meticulous about recycling/sorting stuff.
I don't plan on saying anything to the cleaner because I honestly do trust her. I am getting worried in case one of my brothers do though because they can both be quite hot headed. If they offend her she will just leave and where will that leave Mum? She has plenty of other elderly customers and actually charges Mum a bit less as she lives so nearby and doesn't need to use her car and also she has known her since she was a little girl.
I still can't work out how she would even fit £500 in notes into the socks. I think she's dreamt it but mislaid the socks.
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My grandmother used to accuse her cleaner of all sorts of things :( Fortunately she realised it was the dementia talking, but it was very hard on my grandfather who knew what was said was untrue.
Is it possible that she put the money into the socks then took it out again and put it somewhere else? Even if she didn't it may be worth planting the idea as it may stop her worrying about it, but you can still look when you have an opportunity.
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My grandmother used to accuse her cleaner of all sorts of things :( Fortunately she realised it was the dementia talking, but it was very hard on my grandfather who knew what was said was untrue.
Is it possible that she put the money into the socks then took it out again and put it somewhere else? Even if she didn't it may be worth planting the idea as it may stop her worrying about it, but you can still look when you have an opportunity.
Quite possible! I knitted the socks so I know they're not wide enough to take notes without folding them all up to fit. I can't see her doing that! Why would she even bother when all the other money I subsequently found was just in flat bundles of £500 secured with a rubber band?
She's coming here on Sunday so I will go over all this with her again.
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I wouldn't go over it Pennyfarthing unless your Mum mentions it. Out of her environment may make any confusion worse. Best to go through her house and shut each room ……. even putting on a bolt at the top of the door where your Mum can't reach ? if your Mum notices then explain that you are clearing each room in order and need to remember where you've been ;-).
As for your brothers, if you really think that they will challenge the cleaner then get in first. Go to her and say "if you see a pair of knitted socks laying around can you let me know as Mum seems to be mis-laying more and more items, including these socks which I knitted for her. Have you noticed that she is getting more confused in recent weeks?"
The cleaner may not want to worry you if she has noticed, so asking will free her up to say if anything has been noted. It will also open up conversation about how to keep small items safe in your Mum's home ……..
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I wouldn't go over it Pennyfarthing unless your Mum mentions it. Out of her environment may make any confusion worse. Best to go through her house and shut each room ……. even putting on a bolt at the top of the door where your Mum can't reach ? if your Mum notices then explain that you are clearing each room in order and need to remember where you've been ;-).
As for your brothers, if you really think that they will challenge the cleaner then get in first. Go to her and say "if you see a pair of knitted socks laying around can you let me know as Mum seems to be mis-laying more and more items, including these socks which I knitted for her. Have you noticed that she is getting more confused in recent weeks?"
The cleaner may not want to worry you if she has noticed, so asking will free her up to say if anything has been noted. It will also open up conversation about how to keep small items safe in your Mum's home ……..
Interesting you say that CLKD. The cleaner messaged me earlier in the week and said she had written down a few cleaning items that Mum needs and would I get them this weekend when we go shopping. She has noticed that mum is getting more forgetful. I didn't mention the missing items.
I plan to go over there one day and have another search. I don't mention the socks/money/notebook unless she does which is most days!
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They aren't missing as far as the cleaner is concerned. It's a way of opening up communication channels so that you can update each other as your Mum appears to fail. You may find that if the gloves turn up your Mum will be more settled. You could "If you find A, B, C please let me know as Mum thinks she has lost them."
Also, would your Mum be OK to the idea that you take most of her Pension but leaving her 'enough'? That way you know how much she has and your brothers won't be at it.
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Collected mum this morning and the blue notebook was on the table! Apparently she found it in the bureau drawer in lounge and thought she'd told me already.
I didn't mention the socks then driving along she says she still can't find them and did she tell me that she'd put money inside them because now she's wondering whether she did. ::). I said is it possible you had a dream about doing that because she's forever dreaming that she has lost her handbag. She says it is possible. We'd both still like to find them though.
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So the Plot Thickens? Is she relaxed about it all?
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So the Plot Thickens? Is she relaxed about it all?
It varies. Some days she's hunting high and low and getting stressed and today it was like "whatever!" ;D
She has just polished off roast beef, Yorkshire pud, broad beans, carrots, leeks, gravy, roast potatoes followed by rhubarb and strawberry pie and Greek yoghourt.
I have my feet up now for an hour then we're off for her head scan at the hospital which is a 60 mile round trip. Then she's staying here tonight and I'll take her back home tomorrow.
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The period at the start of dementia can be very tricky as you begin to realise you have to start taking everything you're told with a good pinch of salt!
Then when you've come to terms with the fact yourself, you have to start trying to convince others that its so (eg your brothers) which can take a lot longer.
The socks may turn up having been well hidden in some ridiculously unlikely place one day, and what's the betting there's no money in them?
Don't worry PF I guarantee you'll become a expert in reading between the lines as you care for your dear mum. Just keep enjoying those laughs together while you can.
I think you're spot on there StellaJane.
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At least your Mum isn't nervous about the scan ::) - did you managed lunch?
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At least your Mum isn't nervous about the scan ::) - did you managed lunch?
Oh no she's never nervous for hospital appointments! She likes the attention. ;D
We have a little ritual you know. We park using her disabled badge and she always drills me over whether we can park there and how long. Then she asks staff to guess how old she is and loves telling them she's "only 92 you know".
I just told her we've booked a holiday soon and it didn't seem to register. She usually says "when will you be back?"
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How did the appt go? My Mum's wise crack is when asked to do anything that she hasn't thought of, "I'm nearly 90 you don't expect me to …….. " >:( well, yes actually; it's a number!!!! then in the next breath she'll tell me not to tell anyone how old she *is* :-X
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How did the appt go? My Mum's wise crack is when asked to do anything that she hasn't thought of, "I'm nearly 90 you don't expect me to …….. " >:( well, yes actually; it's a number!!!! then in the next breath she'll tell me not to tell anyone how old she *is* :-X
It was OK and it takes 7-10 for results to get to GP.
I feel like that painting The Scream today. >:(. I have been up since 6.45 and have finally sat down at 1pm. Did washing, hung it out. Had breakfast. went to do mums grocery shopping and PO jobs. Took daughter for health check.
Drove home and dumped her off, swapped her for Mum who had just had another hours sleep. Drove mum home while she's telling me she thinks she's got a broken toe. Head scan forgotten so it's now a new symptom. ;D. I told her I broke my little toe last Xmas and they don't do anything for it anyway and she hasn't dropped anything on it anyway. She's running out of ailments.
She wanted me to stay for coffee but she knows I've got hairdresser coming. I put her shopping away and did another sweep of two chests of drawers looking for the socks to no avail.
Drove home and made rolls for me and hubby and son and daughter did their own, then daughters boyfriend came in ..... Hubby says its like a hotel here! ;D. They've just gone, hubby's just going, sons going to cut the grass while I get my hair coloured and cut. I think she'll have to wake me up when she's finished.
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Honestly ... Just when I start to relax something else happens ....Just had a phone call from my mums house but it was a neighbour. Apparently she had a dizzy spell and was sitting outside her back door and was frightened she was going to fall.
I spoke to mum and said I'd come over and she said no she was just dizzy. I said what made you dizzy and she said she was ironing!!! I said there's no need for you to be ironing that's why you have a home help! Presumably she went outside to get some air.???
THat neighbour has to go out but is going to get the neighbour the other side to sit with her for a little while and I will ring back in an hour and probably go over, although she's insisting she's OK.
I don't care what she says I am now going to book her into a care home for a respite break while I go on my holiday because it's just too much of a worry. :'(
It will be several days yet before we get the results of her CT scan on her head.
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It's lovely that neighbours care enough to ask the question! However, when Mum's neighbours got involved after her fall 2 years ago Mum spat bricks, even more when they informed me!!!
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Because of anxiety I haven't offered my services to the elderly lady now alone - we were quite friendly years ago then life-styles altered ……..
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Well, am going to ring Mum in a little while and see how she is. I am going to suggest she has a weeks "holiday" when we go away (in a care home) and see what she says. I know it's short notice to get her in somewhere but there are two good homes near where I am going shopping later so will call in at both of them.
I couldn't eat my meal last night with worrying and this morning I have struggled to eat a bowl of oatbran. I don't want to cancel our holiday as we both really need a week away. Apart from Sunday's, my hubby has had just one day off since Easter. Even on Sunday's he never stops with doing jobs in the garden and with the horses.
I just won't be able to relax if I'm worrying about her stumbling or falling at home.
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I'm feeling for you, truly.
I'm guessing your mum will probably not like the idea, but perhaps you can appeal to her reasonable side if you say you would really appreciate not having to worry about her while you're away.
My mum didn't have a reasonable side unfortunately so it was a case of telling her I'm sorry but this is what we need to do. Then there would be tears .. but what's the alternative?
She reckons she's "still not right" and had a bad nights sleep but she didn't sound too bad TBH. I asked her to think about the idea of having a week in a care home while I'm away because I will worry about her and she said she would think about it. I mentioned that social services still haven't found a carer to go in to her each morning and she says she doesn't want that anyway and doesn't want "people poking about" which sounds like my brothers speaking!!! I reminded her that a couple of weeks ago she told SS that she DID want that. ::)
I said if her sons helped out more I could go away and not worry and she said "but they're so busy" .... One is retired completely and lives alone with no commitments and the other is semi retired with no kids at home. ::) and both of them live closer than I do. She reminded me that one of them brings her a newspaper every morning!! ;D ;D.
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A whole newspaper, does he read it first ? ::). It's Mums and boys sadly, Mums rarely see that they ought to help out …..
You have a look-see to find somewhere for your Mum, be firm and keep pressing the points you have raised here. You both need a break ………
Are there any private 'care' firms close by? My Mum has help bathing from a small 'firm' run by an ex-Nursing Sister ….. not exactly ideal as they take on too many clients ::) but at least twice a week Mum knows that she will have help getting in and out of her bath.
Keep us up to date?
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A whole newspaper, does he read it first ? ::). It's Mums and boys sadly, Mums rarely see that they ought to help out …..
You have a look-see to find somewhere for your Mum, be firm and keep pressing the points you have raised here. You both need a break ………
Are there any private 'care' firms close by? My Mum has help bathing from a small 'firm' run by an ex-Nursing Sister ….. not exactly ideal as they take on too many clients ::) but at least twice a week Mum knows that she will have help getting in and out of her bath.
Keep us up to date?
I called unannounced at two care homes this morning. One has no respite beds available until mid Oct and the other could help us! The receptionist was helpful, the place looked clean and she gave me a brochure with idea of costs. As I was leaving an elderly lady was leaving with a family member and had just had a respite break there and some staff came out and gave her a hug and I overheard her telling them she had had a great time.
I will speak to Mum again tonight and see what she thinks.
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Could she go for half a day, or would that mean giving her the opportunity of telling you that she doesn't like it ?
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Could she go for half a day, or would that mean giving her the opportunity of telling you that she doesn't like it ?
There is that. I have spoken to a couple of people whose family members have been there full time and also a friend whose Mum goes in there for respite when he goes on holiday and they all speak well of it. As part of his job my hubby goes into several care homes and has told me which ones to avoid because they smell!
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I hate smelly 'care' homes. Even if the Staff are caring it shows a lack of respect in a way, probably because the rooms are not refurbished between clients. There should be as few carpets as possible, hard floors might be slippery for clients with wobbly legs though ::).
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Reminds me of school dinners :-\ :-X …… but with modern cleaning products that 'eat' smells it shouldn't be difficult! We used 'odour eliminator' when the Tom-cat weed in the back of the car, we could smell the product 'working' and after 3-4 weeks, the smell had gone :o. If anyone had told me that the smell of Tom-cat would disappear I would never have believed them!
There are other products that 'eat' odours, I think they are biological …….
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Nor would they want to?
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So do I Pennyfarthing …….. hopefully your brothers won't put your Mum off her little holiday!
Maybe check the areas you haven't had time to do so that any other monies can be put somewhere safe!?!
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So do I Pennyfarthing …….. hopefully your brothers won't put your Mum off her little holiday!
Maybe check the areas you haven't had time to do so that any other monies can be put somewhere safe!?!
No doubt they'll try but it's all booked now. She realises she needs a good rest too because we've had a summer of non stop appointments and days when she's felt very low. By the time she's dressed in the mornings, had breakfast and a sit down, she is ready for a sleep again! I have explained this to the care home and they said they'll help her with all that and conserve her energy.
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Hope that she enjoys the change! If she is cared for, it's more likely that you will relax.
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I told her tonight I have sorted out two nice little suitcases for her and she said "I may not want to come home again". I think she knows she will be completely safe and looked after and it's quite a relief to her. She has admitted to me once or twice (but I don't think to anybody else) that she gets worried about stumbling or falling especially at night. She has never minded being in hospital either because she knows she's in good care.
She also told me yesterday that some nights she doesn't sleep well and thinks she hears noises in the garden so she calls out of the window "who's there?" I told her not to do that because no family would call during the night and what would she do if somebody answered her anyway. Worry, worry, worry.
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So being one step ahead: is this a place that you would like to see her cared for and is there an option for her moving there?
When do you go away?
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So being one step ahead: is this a place that you would like to see her cared for and is there an option for her moving there?
When do you go away?
I drop Mum off there on Sat afternoon and we go on holiday the next morning. :)
She tells me she told the brothers and one said "I wouldn't call that a holiday with a load of old women coughing and spluttering." And the other said "how come she's not taking you away on holiday like you always do?" As supportive as I imagined they would be. >:(. Please note neither suggested taking her away for a few days instead!! Main thing is Mum is really looking forward to it and recognises that me and hubby need some time to ourselves and also I need to be resting my bad knee. X-ray tomorrow.
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I am sure that she will enjoy the break! She didn't tell you her responses to your brothers?
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Just spoke to mum to arrange time to collect her tomorrow. She says one brother told her if she doesn't like it there she only has to ring him and he'll take her home! Talk about negative. She told him she had spoken to three men yesterday who have all stayed there and they really like it.
I quite envy my friend and her husband. They are both only children and both have an elderly parent each. They just make the decisions and get it done with no interference.
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So don't accept any interference Pennyfarthing, your brothers mutter but are as my late Dad would say, "All P and wind" ;-). It's not likely that they will step in to alter much is it? Enjoy your break!
Mine is out and about with friends apparently today and it will be Church for her in the morning, no doubt I will hear about it on Monday.
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Enjoy you holiday Pfarthing you deserve the break and try not to worry about your mum it sounds a,nice place you have found her xx
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We had an early flight and were in Majorca by 8.30am. We left in torrential rain, darkness and cold and it was 30c here in Alcudia this afternoon. Too much on first day but we sat in the shade and watched the world go by and it's bliss. Very nice hotel, no kids and all inclusive.
Rang the care home tonight and Mum has settled in well apparently and told staff she is enjoying her "break". She was happy enough when I dropped her off yesterday and had a very nice light, airy room.
Walked down to the harbour and knee not too bad but it's tempting to walk further and than regret it, so I didn't. :)
Currently sitting on our balcony enjoying our free wifi and having coffee and listening to Spanish voices, a church bell and it's still really balmy out here.
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Crikey, what technology ;D - you can update us ::). Enjoy your break.
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Crikey, what technology ;D - you can update us ::). Enjoy your break.
Ha ha ... ;DWhat I meant was its nice to have wifi ALL OVER the hotel. Some places we've stayed in you only get it in reception area, some it's very poor in rooms and others you have to pay to use it.
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We had the same in Holmfirth last week - wouldn't work in the room, TV reception was iffy too …….
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Pennyfarthing - did your brothers visit your Mum whilst you were away - probably a silly question :D. Did she seem settled and do you think it would be a 'choice' if she liked the company?
Mine was taking herself off to town on the bus this morning, doing some shopping then having a light lunch at a cafe she always uses. They make a fuss of her there ;-).
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Pennyfarthing - did your brothers visit your Mum whilst you were away - probably a silly question :D. Did she seem settled and do you think it would be a 'choice' if she liked the company?
Mine was taking herself off to town on the bus this morning, doing some shopping then having a light lunch at a cafe she always uses. They make a fuss of her there ;-).
Apparently one brother went to see her one day and his adult son went another day so that's good. Other brother and wife didn't visit.
She will NOT wear those flipping hearing aids so I think she misses a lot of conversations now. On questioning her she said they were all kind to her, the food was very good and she slept well. She said she did get a bit bored at times but she had her hair done one day (which I arranged) another couple of days they had someone in to do craft activities with them. As hubby pointed out though she does sleep all afternoon and goes to bed about 9pm and sleeps all night so there's not much time left to socialise.
I spoke to her last night and asked her how her first night/day at home went and she said she didn't like having to prepare food for herself and make drinks and wondered where she was when she got up.
Hope your mum had a good day. The days of my mum going out by herself are now sadly gone.
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Do you and your husband think it's time to consider full-time 'care' …… perhaps another respite few days when you can visit to see how she really is? Good that the home arranges activities etc., do they have a mini-bus for those residents able to go out and about?
I won't know if Mum enjoyed her day as she won't phone exempt on a Monday!
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Do you and your husband think it's time to consider full-time 'care' …… perhaps another respite few days when you can visit to see how she really is? Good that the home arranges activities etc., do they have a mini-bus for those residents able to go out and about?
I won't know if Mum enjoyed her day as she won't phone exempt on a Monday!
Update .. just rang her and she's quite chirpy. Went to her luncheon club and they all made a fuss of her. She says she misses having all her food handed to her but she hopes she never has to go to a place like that or a hospital again as she prefers her own home .... she thinks! ::). What she doesn't understand though is how I worry about her falling over again ..... even tonight she said "oh I nearly fell over when I got up to answer the phone." I tell her time and time again to leave the phone beside her chair when she's settled down to watch TV but she doesn't listen.
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Had to laugh tonight .... since late morning I've had shocking backache. I was shopping this morning and think I lifted bags wrongly or something. Anyway had to go to bed with hot water bottle on back this afternoon.
Rang mum tonight and asked how she was and she said "up and down really" so I told her I had backache and in a flash she said she'd had it too and felt terrible and proceeded to tell me in great detail and never once asked about me! ;D. She remembered it was my late Dad's birthday yesterday but completely forgot it was my birthday last Sunday until I told her.
She has a psychogeriatric assessment next week.
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:bang: they can be so Bl***y awkward. We took my Mum to buy a remote phone that she can carry around, 1 in the lounge - the idea being that it is on the arm of the sofa in the evening - the other in the hall. She INSISTS on using the 1 in the hall even though she has fallen several times when dashing to answer it. She wakes suddenly from the doze on the sofa …… when she told me she had fallen I walked away. Later I told her that I no longer wanted to know, we had tried to help but she's a Big Girl Now. If she falls she falls ……. I've stopped worrying. At nearly 90 she knows that a fracture is likely to be the end!
How's the back Pennyfarthing? :foryou:
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:bang: they can be so Bl***y awkward. We took my Mum to buy a remote phone that she can carry around, 1 in the lounge - the idea being that it is on the arm of the sofa in the evening - the other in the hall. She INSISTS on using the 1 in the hall even though she has fallen several times when dashing to answer it. She wakes suddenly from the doze on the sofa …… when she told me she had fallen I walked away. Later I told her that I no longer wanted to know, we had tried to help but she's a Big Girl Now. If she falls she falls ……. I've stopped worrying. At nearly 90 she knows that a fracture is likely to be the end!
How's the back Pennyfarthing? :foryou:
Thanks for asking. Hurts when I move, cough or sneeze and I can only take paracetamol.
My mum takes forever to answer the phone despite having a remote one for years. The usual excuse is she couldn't find the phone, other nights it's because she's left it in the kitchen. Tonight's excuse was different .... apparently it was right in front of her but she didn't recognise it despite it ringing for about 3 minutes. ;D
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Well that was an eventful morning! Was supposed to be taking Mum out to shop and she phoned and said she didn't feel well enough. Backache and headache. So I did all her shopping and took it over. She was up and dressed and didn't look too bad at all.
Yesterday she said she had had to come home from her luncheon club in someone else's "blue jacket with dirty cuffs" as she thinks someone took her gold one. I quietly went to look in her hall this morning and there was the gold jacket and no sign of a blue one! She's convinced it's not hers even though I know it is so I've brought it home to wash. I also brought her dressing gown which was grubby and the jumper she was wearing which had two stains. This is not like her at all as she's usually meticulously clean.
Then ... praise the Lord .. I found the second missing sock complete with money in the third bedroom. :). I looked in the bed where she found the first one ...nothing. At the foot of the bed was a rolled up satin throw and matching cushions and I undid the throw and the sock dropped to the floor. I checked in her sock drawer that the first sock was still there and took the pair and contents down to her.
I counted out the £200 and wrote it down for her and she was pleased she had the pair again! Not bothered at all about the money though. I reminded her that she and brothers had said it was the cleaner and she was adamant that nobody said such a thing. ::)
I threw out some potatoes which were 6 weeks old and were in her fridge and then a half eaten cake from the pantry which was a month out of date.
I told her I would heat her a stew and dumpling ready meal I'd brought and her microwave is quite complicated so I asked her to show me how to set it and she's forgotten that too so I suspect she is not eating properly. For breakfast she says she had a crackerbread but she says she woke up starving at 3 am and came down and had hot milk and cornflakes.
She ate all the stew and said it was good and then she wanted to go to bed so I took her up, all her newspapers, drink etc and she should sleep all afternoon.
She seems to be declining rapidly now. I will be very interested to see what the psycho geriatric assessment makes of her on Friday.
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Pennyfarthing - does your Mum have a urine infection as this can cause similar symptoms?!? Fancy The Sock turning up! Your Mum had probably forgotten all about the previous episode ::). I'm with your Mum on not recognising the phone, my mobile can be ringing and I reach for the remote control :-\ ::)
Mine is so busy this weekend that she can't see us until next week ;D.
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Pennyfarthing - does your Mum have a urine infection as this can cause similar symptoms?!? Fancy The Sock turning up! Your Mum had probably forgotten all about the previous episode ::). I'm with your Mum on not recognising the phone, my mobile can be ringing and I reach for the remote control :-\ ::)
Mine is so busy this weekend that she can't see us until next week ;D.
We wondered about a UTI a few weeks ago and saw GP and all was fine.
She was quite chirpy last night
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Slowing down in general maybe? Spending time alone especially when they sleep can cause 'disturbance' if they wake suddenly etc.. Like not knowing where they are, what time of day it is ……. Mum will sleep on the sofa and wake if it's dark and wonder if she has slept all night ::)
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Mum didn't want me to take her shopping today so I offered a car ride down the coast and I'd do her shopping while she sat in the sun. It is fab here today 16c. She didn't want that either and also didn't want me to drop some shopping in to her as she says she has everything she needs. She says she aches all over.She sounded very low.
I bumped into a neighbour of hers who told me that The elderly man opposite Mum must have died as the undertakers were there this morning. I imagine Mum would have seen this too and it has upset her but she didn't say. It is really sad as he's 95 and he and Mum go right back to when they were young married couples and they started families at the same time. His wife died about 3 years ago.
He and my late Dad went to school in the village together and were same age.
They all live to a great old age round there .... most people well into their 80s and many like mum reach 90+ and there are a few at her luncheon club 100+.
It must be depressing seeing all your old friends departing this world. :'(
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My Mum has had several neighbours younger or of similar age die this year. The last neighbour whose bungalow opposite Mum's property passed about 6 weeks ago. I think it brings it home a bit. Seeing the bungalow in darkness and family clearing out. Next door (opposite) also died 3 weeks ago so his family have been clearing out. They aren't folk who go in and out much but a friendly wave and a quick chat when putting the Council bins out is obviously missed :-\
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It is hard isn't it? I remember a cousin of my dad's telling me that she would be disappointed when she woke up in the morning as her health deteriorated and her best friend died. I'm so glad Mum and dad have each other. They kiss each other every night before going off to their separate rooms, just in case. When I'm there and Mum sleeps longer than normal in the afternoon, dad sends me off to check she's ok. Most of their friends have died. They are the oldest ones at their church. All mums siblings died young.
Their central heating has broken down. The central heating engineer has had great difficulty diagnosing what was wrong, even bringing a other experienced colleagues. A blockage somewhere that has moved due to the new pump being installed. I hope it's sorted before the cold weather comes and doesn't require carpets and floorboards being pulled up. Worrying at their age. When dad was younger, he would have been able to sort it out himself.
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It is hard isn't it? I remember a cousin of my dad's telling me that she would be disappointed when she woke up in the morning as her health deteriorated and her best friend died. I'm so glad Mum and dad have each other. They kiss each other every night before going off to their separate rooms, just in case. When I'm there and Mum sleeps longer than normal in the afternoon, dad sends me off to check she's ok. Most of their friends have died. They are the oldest ones at their church. All mums siblings died young.
Their central heating has broken down. The central heating engineer has had great difficulty diagnosing what was wrong, even bringing a other experienced colleagues. A blockage somewhere that has moved due to the new pump being installed. I hope it's sorted before the cold weather comes and doesn't require carpets and floorboards being pulled up. Worrying at their age. When dad was younger, he would have been able to sort it out himself.
Awwww, they sound devoted to each other.
I remember one of my saddest memories was when my Dad was very ill and only a couple of months from death. I called over one afternoon and they were both upstairs in the spare middle bedroom in single beds. Dad had moved out of the double bed as he was so ill and Mum was worn out looking after him as this was only about 8 years ago so she was about 85. She had gone for her afternoon sleep and got in the other single bed for company. They looked so frail and ill both of them. :'(
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But somehow they accept it because it's what they have grown used to, it's those looking on that have the shock and sadness at the changes ……..
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I swear one day I'm going to flip completely!! We have a meeting with Care agency on wed. Mum tells me tonight that the brothers have told her it will cost her a fortune. They also suggested to her that she asks her cleaner to come and help instead .... bear in mind that this is the woman they didn't want in the house in the first place "snooping and prying" and who they thought had stolen money.
Whatever I try and do is never right!
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What did your Mother tell your brothers? Why is she telling you? Old Habits die Hard and I think parent/child reactions never alter instead of the aggravating child being 'told' :-\ + :sigh:. I know that when I walk into Mum's house I become compliant ::)
You flip Pennyfarthing - where would you begin?
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Hopefully she will press on taking your advice ;-).
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That's because they phone from abroad >:( ::) ??
So pleased that your are getting help set up Pennyfarthing.
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Had to laugh .... I told her i was really proud of her for coping with two lengthy appointments this morning. I also saw her new garden fence today and it looks great. She saw some men erecting one opposite a few weeks ago and went and asked the men to give her a quote. She also paid the bill Herself by cheque today when they finished. It's been falling down for ages and the two brothers do nothing to help, not even getting quotes.
So I said she did really well too to deal with the fence business herself and she said ..... "I know, I feel quite grown up! " I said so at ninety two you've finally grown up. We did laugh! ;D
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;D ……..
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Hi Bette,
My mum is the same age as yours, you are doing good work!
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Keep up the Good Work :foryou:
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Hello ladies.
I don't often post about our woes with MIL but recently the strain has been enormous.
She is eighty nine and been in and out of hospital due to falls. She has been in every kind of care facility you can think of, residential homes she didn't like, rehab wards in two different hospitals ( rehab didn't work ) and latterly sheltered housing which is where she had her last fall and is clearly unsuitable. At the moment she is back in hospital and we are waiting to hear what is suggested next. She has mainly been living at home with the support of various equipment, four carers a day plus frequent visits from family members but we think full time nursing care is the only option left and the establishment in her town doesn't have any vacancies. She doesn't have dementia as such but has regressed to babyhood in terms of her physical needs. It's all very sad and she says she wants to die and who can blame her? She has many serious health problems and takes over twenty pills a day. When her heart failure worsened eighteen months ago we thought the hospital would introduce palliative care, keep her comfortable and pain free and let nature take it's course, instead they gave her a pace maker and sent her home. The cardiologist said it would do wonders for her health and we wouldn't recognise her. Apart from a little less swelling in her legs we haven't noticed much difference and her general deterioration has continued.
Sorry to go on ladies but my anxiety is sky high today and I needed to offload.
Take care all and hugs to all those in the same boat!
K.
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Sadly the medical profession are sworn to care and heal, therefore if there is a product that may ease symptoms or improve issues, Doctors will apply them. It is very rare that Medics listen to families …….
Lack of dignity particularly when family are present can be demoralising. What are the Staff like Kathleen?
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Hello CLKD.
Practically everywhere she's been the staff have been lovely but overworked!
I accept that doctors will always suggest the best treatment for their patients but it can feel as if they are actually prolonging the suffering of very old and ill people. My MIL has often said 'doctors shouldn't keep all these old people alive just to be miserable' and she has a point.
Who knows what the answer is but society/ governments will have to address the issue of how we care for our old and vulnerable and how we can alleviate rather than prolong their suffering. Our turn will come soon enough and I worry for us and our children.
Take care.
K.
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Hello ladies.
I don't often post about our woes with MIL but recently the strain has been enormous.
She is eighty nine and been in and out of hospital due to falls. She has been in every kind of care facility you can think of, residential homes she didn't like, rehab wards in two different hospitals ( rehab didn't work ) and latterly sheltered housing which is where she had her last fall and is clearly unsuitable. At the moment she is back in hospital and we are waiting to hear what is suggested next. She has mainly been living at home with the support of various equipment, four carers a day plus frequent visits from family members but we think full time nursing care is the only option left and the establishment in her town doesn't have any vacancies. She doesn't have dementia as such but has regressed to babyhood in terms of her physical needs. It's all very sad and she says she wants to die and who can blame her? She has many serious health problems and takes over twenty pills a day. When her heart failure worsened eighteen months ago we thought the hospital would introduce palliative care, keep her comfortable and pain free and let nature take it's course, instead they gave her a pace maker and sent her home. The cardiologist said it would do wonders for her health and we wouldn't recognise her. Apart from a little less swelling in her legs we haven't noticed much difference and her general deterioration has continued.
Sorry to go on ladies but my anxiety is sky high today and I needed to offload.
Take care all and hugs to all those in the same boat!
K.
Sorry to read this Kathleen. I will leave it to others to advise you as my head is buzzing tonight and you need to speak to somebody who is still sane!! Xxx :)
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Hello Pennyfarthing and sparkle.
Thank you for your comments. Hopefully something will be sorted out for MIL soon, I will keep you posted.
Sparkle - thanks for the hug. I think everyone on this thread needs one of those including the elderly relatives themselves.
Take care all.
K.
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Hello Pennyfarthing and sparkle.
Thank you for your comments. Hopefully something will be sorted out for MIL soon, I will keep you posted.
Sparkle - thanks for the hug. I think everyone on this thread needs one of those including the elderly relatives themselves.
Take care all.
K.
There are thousands of us out there Kathleen! just tonight I was talking on the phone to a girl I grew up with and who has cared for her elderly parent for years. First she nursed her Mum for several years and her Dad was going downhill too. Mum died and then she nursed her dad for years. When she got to 60 she was still working part time while doing this and she was offered retirement which she took and that lasted her until She got her state pension when she reached 63.
I have to wait until I'm 65 to get mine so a couple more years yet and in the meantime there's no chance of anybody employing me as who in their right mind would take on someone who is always taking time off to go to appointments, meetings, caring roles etc?
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Horrible morning! Had to meet male nurse at Mums re her Alzheimer's. He was lovely and that was OK. Mums carer had been in and she seemed quite bright. Half way through the meeting the kitchen door opened ... we were in the lounge and my brother bellowed through something about Mums paper. No cheery greeting, no showing his face, no introductions :'(
Mum called that she didn't need a paper as I had brought it. He then bellows "bloody waste of time me coming then." And stomps off banging the door. Mum had tried to ring him last night to tell him this and he hadn't answered the phone. He comes about 3 miles in his car and has to come anyway because he needs our local shop.
The male nurse looked horrified and I felt so sorry for poor Mum.
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PF, I know you will feel bad (I felt bad about my brother's behaviour for years), but neither you nor your mum have anything to feel guilty about. Your brother is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour. And believe me - the nurse will have seen much worse before. His horrified look was probably more shock/surprise that a woman as caring as you could have such a heartless sibling. The nurse will be supportive of you as well as your mum - talk to him about the issues you have with your brothers and their attitude to your mum (out of earshot of your mum) - he needs the full picture to be able to give you the best support.
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PF, I know you will feel bad (I felt bad about my brother's behaviour for years), but neither you nor your mum have anything to feel guilty about. Your brother is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour. And believe me - the nurse will have seen much worse before. His horrified look was probably more shock/surprise that a woman as caring as you could have such a heartless sibling. The nurse will be supportive of you as well as your mum - talk to him about the issues you have with your brothers and their attitude to your mum (out of earshot of your mum) - he needs the full picture to be able to give you the best support.
Aww thank you Scampi that is so kind of you. I feel I have enough on my plate organising everything without having to put up with this and it's horrible for Mum too. Xx
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Maybe get your Mum to keep all her doors locked?
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Maybe get your Mum to keep all her doors locked?
That would never work. We all have a key and there's also a key in the safe outside.
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Mum very confused tonight. Apparently she is fed up with everybody using her house as a doss house! She says all her books have been moved on her bookcase and either all put upside down or half pulled out. I was there yesterday and that wasn't the case! She doesn't know who is doing it but it's very annoying she says and she can't sort all that mess out herself.
Also the doctor called to see her and she thinks he is trying to make her go in a home. That's not the case at all and I told her he wouldn't do that and it was her choice to stay at home. He has also told her not to use the new walking stick the OT brought her last week. I don't believe that either.
Each day now she's different and a bit more confused but she starts her medication next Monday so we will see if that helps. TBH I can see a care home on the horizon if she gets much worse and I will be so glad when that POA comes through and I can make decisions on her behalf. Every single night I go to bed worrying that she's going to fall or hurt herself and I know she's lonely but she made me laugh just now. She said the GP asked her if she was lonely and she said "I told him I wasn't" I asked how come yesterday she told me she didn't want me to leave as it was a long day by herself. She said "oh I tell him anything. I also told him I forgot to put my bunion pad on TODAY " she hasn't worn them since about July!! ;D
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Does she have a urine infection :-\
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Does she have a urine infection :-\
No. it's the dementia.
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Wonder why it's 'suddenly' become apparent?
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Pennyfarthing, a low lying or indeed any infection, particularly urine infections, will cause a sudden increase in dementia symptoms and confusion. The sudden deterioration can be quite shocking. You may already have experience of this but as CLKD suggested, it's worth keeping an eye on.
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My friend with dementia has days where I can get no sense at all from them. Just the nature of this terrible disease. Other days we manage a more or less ordinary conversation. Within limits.
Bramble
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Pennyfarthing, a low lying or indeed any infection, particularly urine infections, will cause a sudden increase in dementia symptoms and confusion. The sudden deterioration can be quite shocking. You may already have experience of this but as CLKD suggested, it's worth keeping an eye on.
It's been suggested to me on here before but both times her urine was tested and it was fine. She seems to have these big dips in her behaviour every so often and in between isn't too bad. REmember the sock saga?
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Pain of any kind also totally knocks them for six. Also being tired. And they get really tired through the simplest of things - changes in routine or something new, takes a long time for them to process and it just seems to use up any mental capacity they have so they have nothing left over for stringing together a conversation.
Bramble
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Yep. Mum reacts badly to any alteration in her quite strict routine. She gets angry at me though :-\.
Pennyfarthing - has your Mum's urine sample been sent to a Lab.? A dipstick in the Surgery isn't ENOUGH!!!! and because it was 'clear' previously, it could be mentioned this time, in case.
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CLKD, my mum is so angry at me just now, does anyone know of a good forum to go to to discuss these things?
I could do with some advice from others in the same circumstances. She sees my trying to make sure she eats, take her medication and wears clean clothes as abusive and has been telling people that I'm abusing her.
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You could begin another thread.
Also, speak to someone at AgeUK? Is there a District Nurse you could ask? Or a local carers/Alzehimers Group?
Charlotte: Or speak with your Mum's GP? It is difficult for them to accept advice from their children, which we remain until they die. When I step into Mum's back door I am immediately the 'child' again …… she sorted out help with care whilst bathing herself, without any input: surprisingly ::) : from me.
You could ask what advice your Mum would give a friend in a similar situation, which is kind of sideways. She might give a clue as to how she sees her state. Whereas mine would probably tell me "I don't give advice Dear" or "That's nothing to do with me, Dear" ::)
Charlotte - how old is your Mum? How fragile is she really? My advice for anyone being shouted at for trying to help, if their relative is generally well and managing: "They are a Big Girl/Boy now, point out that the GP wouldn't prescribe without necessity but of course, it's up to you now that you have the advice!"
Charlotte: do you have Power of Attorney or such? 'abuse' of course is a modern word ::) - poking your nose in is the more familiar from way back.
Let us know how you get on but do begin a separate thread. I would start with your Mum's GP.
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Thanks so much, bizarrely she was completely back to normal the next day, this seems to be the way it's going.
She won't give me power of attorney, she's 94 and determined to live independently, she refused to get a home help even when the GP and psychiatrist suggested and we decided that we would keep it 'in the family' the only thing is its very easy to scream and shout at family. She's always been a robust matriarch and seems set to stay in that role, which is of course why we are having these problems, she can't bear 'weakness in people' her phrase, not mine.
Thanks for listening, I was feeling really sorry for myself. :-*
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Thanks so much, bizarrely she was completely back to normal the next day, this seems to be the way it's going.
She won't give me power of attorney, she's 94 and determined to live independently, she refused to get a home help even when the GP and psychiatrist suggested and we decided that we would keep it 'in the family' the only thing is its very easy to scream and shout at family. She's always been a robust matriarch and seems set to stay in that role, which is of course why we are having these problems, she can't bear 'weakness in people' her phrase, not mine.
Thanks for listening, I was feeling really sorry for myself. :-*
We get quite "normal" days too Charlotte. Remind me .....Your Mum doesn't have dementia does she?
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"we decided" :-\ - however, if she continues to be abusive then step back. Tell her that you will not put up with being shouted at, that you have your own Life to leave and problems to solve. "If you are insistent that you live independently, then I am your daughter and will not take on a caring role. You are a Big Girl at 94 so you can decide when you need extra support from an outside source but it won't be from me!"
Put foot down with firm hand. When my Mum 'starts' to get picky I walk away. The other tack to try is "How would you advise a friend in a similar situation?"
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Yes Pennyfarthing, she does have it, she was diagnosed ten months ago.
And CLKD, you caught the nuance of 'we decided' very well! I want to do my best for her but the shouting and tantrums are so upsetting, I'm trying to help her not hurt her. She's just so bullish and stubborn about doing everything by herself.
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R U my sister? ;D - I get "You are NOT going to put me into a Home". You watch this space Mother >:(. I don't live close by so can walk away for months and she does have a strict routine, we have to make an appt. to visit :D.
But when push comes to shove I will walk away. She has un-diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder so can swing any situation to suit herself and at 64 I'm too tired and have had a life-time of it - so will tell her that I will remain her daughter and not her carer and she can make arrangements herself if she shouts at me. My sister is a Nurse but she won't have her near the place ::)
What do you intent to do to ease your feelings? Maybe have a look-see locally and find out what is available via Social Services, Care homes etc. so that at least you are well armed. No one can force someone into 'care' and the situation in the UK is dire :sigh: but we have to protect our own feelings.
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Charlotte
Ax society have a forum called Talking Point. All manner of help and advice.
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Looking after yourself is very, very important. I took a step back years ago. I do not feel guilty and I am treated with more respect as a result. Mum and dad do not have dementia, but when mum was very ill, it was very interesting that she fell back into old ways of treating me. Apparently I was a very naughty difficult child according to mum when she's like this, but my dad says I was a little angel. I can have a sense of humour now about it as I have fully taken on board that it was about her not me. There will never be any occasion where I would take on any aspect of caring, which now I have health issues shouldn't raise any expectations from anywhere. I do care and when she's ill I do my best to support Dad even if it's just being on the end of the phone for him. Dad did get health and financial Power of Attourney for me, my DH and daughter (my sister has died) so no battles there. I do what I can and what I am willing to do because I matter too. So do you!
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Thanks for that Bramble :)
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Don't expect to get much sleep tonight. Three of us were seeing Mum up the stairs to bed at our house and she got onto the landing went to turn into her room and crashed over. Nothing broken but she banged her head on a light switch. No blood but lump on back of head. I have soaked it in cold water and she's talking OK. Took some paracetamol and she's as snug as a bug with a hot water bottle.
We have put very heavy boxes across the top of the stairs so she won't fall down them if she gets out in night. It is such a worry. I have given her a bell to ring if she needs me in the night but the slightest noise and I will be jumping out.
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How are things today PF?
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A child gate? A trip to Mothercare maybe?
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A child gate? A trip to Mothercare maybe?
I've been thinking this too. Thanks. We had one until this summer when our elderly dog died. We used to have it across our bedroom door to keep our dogs out. Now we are dogless. :'(
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That must have been awful for you, a child gate is an excellent idea, I used to always want to live until I was 100, now I'm not so sure.
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Ask the Agency to remove your brother's details? They should not have discussed your Mum's affairs without contacting you, maybe a chat about exactly 'how it is' ?
We had a stair gate so that my dog couldn't gobble the cats' food ……. she never had the sense to jump over it ::)
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That may seem 'logical' Pennyfarthing, however, maybe the woman didn't think 'it' through. Once you have Power of Attorney you can ask for your brothers' details to be removed and add someone, maybe your Mum's GP or a close neighbour, to be added.
It was the same when Mum decided to have a 'care' alarm, she had to provide the name of someone close by who would 'dash' if necessary. Then she gave details to the Care Company who supervise her bathing requirements and it snowballed until she didn't know who she had given the key number too ::). In reality the Care Company don't need to know the key pad number because if she ain't there, they don't need access !
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That is not the kind of care I would want for my relative but sadly it's lack of dignity in that they can't be bothered to find your Mum's specs.. Could your Mum's Optician provide her with a new pair? They could be marked to make them easier to identify if someone else picks them up. Do the Staff put the clients in their own clothing?
Let us know how she is.
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Just off to see my mum now. Last week she didn't recognise my OH for the first time ever and ordered him out of the room! However it turned out she had a bladder infection which I suspect was adding to her confusion so hopefully it will be better today. The nursing home have mislaid her specs for over a month now! They have neatly placed someone elses glasses on her side cupboard but don't seem to understand that this doesn't help! I can only imagine there's another woman walking around (or trying to) in mum's specs wondering why she can't see properly. Honestly I don't enjoy my visits there one jot. When we left last week we noticed there was a sparkling new Bentley on the drive with a personalised reg beginning CH (we suspect it belongs to the owner and that it may stand for care home LOL).
It must be very hard for you Stellajane. I've heard the same from other people I know who have parents in care homes. It's just not good enough.
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Sometimes people can remember family members 'from a distance' but not when they appear ::)
One friend years ago had an uncle who had to go into Care, he no longer recognised anyone so she would go into the Home to sit and watch the interaction between residents and Staff. He seemed quite settled with the carers, was eating well and kept clean. Less pressure on the brain to think "I ought to know that person" but remain confused.
Is the urine infection under control Stellajane?
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Quality of Life is difficult to assess for someone else. Maybe your Mum is 'content' in that she doesn't have to do anything, i.e. cook, clean ….. what we see as a lot of sleep as maybe being 'bored', is a way of passing time for others. Older people sleep much more, my Mum [90] is complaining a lot about 'needing' an afternoon sleep ::) .
Does your Mum sleep in the night, sometimes their clocks get turned around ::)
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I spent the morning with Mum and took her her groceries. She has SO aged this last year and it's quite sad to witness. She was lying down on the sofa when I got there with a headache. We got chatting and she sat up and perked up a bit. I put away her shopping, cleaned her shower head so it flows better, went and got her pension, put out her recycling stuff. Made us a coffee and we chatted some more. I showed her pics of dad's grave with geraniums still flowering which I took on the way to her house.
I took her some homemade sweet vegetable soup and heated some for her lunch with a roll and also a fresh sausage roll and some grapes which she loves. Then she was ready for bed so I made sure she got upstairs safely, helped her undress and tucked her up for the afternoon. It was like putting a sparrow to bed. She looked so frail. She kept saying "I never thought I would come to this. Remember when I used to fly around on my bike and was always busy?" it's very hard to find a suitable reply.
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It is hard to form a reply but she probably doesn't want one: it's observation and recall. If you can't think of a reply then nod in the 'right' places. She may be mourning for the 'Mum' she was - is there a 'photo of her on her bike? It is more likely to be harder for you to witness than for your Mum to work through …..
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Goodness PF what on earth did you do to upset them, they sound awful. Surely they could forget their upset with you to concentrate on your poor mum, she is mum to all of you after all and their attitude to you can't be helpful to her peace of mind. You have as much right to be there as they do I would think unless your mum doesn't want you there and it doesn't sound like that.
what is your gut feeling about the right thing to do for you and your mum? She's the important one now, not their sensitivities.
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Is POA in place yet PF? If so, it shouldn't really matter what 'they' tell the hospital - you have the legal rights and responsibilities.
If not, can you ask the GP/nurse to liaise with the hospital to make sure that you are given as next of kin and first contact, given that they have notes on her records that you can discuss you Mum's medical issues, and know the problems with your brother?
It's so hard, PF - I really feel for you.
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Is POA in place yet PF? If so, it shouldn't really matter what 'they' tell the hospital - you have the legal rights and responsibilities.
If not, can you ask the GP/nurse to liaise with the hospital to make sure that you are given as next of kin and first contact, given that they have notes on her records that you can discuss you Mum's medical issues, and know the problems with your brother?
It's so hard, PF - I really feel for you.
POA not quite in place. Had letter to say it's all going through and I should receive it after 16 Dec.
ITs a good idea what you say about liaison between GP surgery and hospital. Will look into that. Thanks for that and also for listening.
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We have a difficult daughter in law but not as bad as your SIL sounds, I am so very sorry. But the woman is out of line surely and needs putting in her place. what a shame your brother is not able to be effective, our son tends to be 'anything for a quiet life' too. If your nephew is 20 now could he not visit his grandmother on his own initiative? Sorry, not really my place to comment on your family dynamics.
Your SIL is not immediate family, what was the care agency's response?
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It seems that your brother/sister in Law are pushing in maybe because they are thinking further ahead!!! What did the Care Agency feel, they are stuck in the middle. Until Power of Attorney is in place then there's not much you can do; you could of course have a word with the Solicitor who is drawing up the documents and ask if they can advise the Care Agency as well as your Mum's GP. The Care Agency have to listen to others even though you have signed the Care Package, at least they are contacting you after these phone calls. It could be that they took your SiL's messages without letting you know.
Is your Mum actually kept in Hospital?
Does it allow you to ask your brother/s not to do anything without consultation with you, even if your Mum is feeling poorly?
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Oh PF I feel for you - if it was me I would get myself over to the hospital straight away, sod the SIL & brothers, you need to be there not only for your dear Mum but also for yourself - if you don't you might regret it.
All the arguments & resentments can be put to one side for now surely? ???
I do speak from experience :'(.
Cazi x
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Has your Mum been seen by a Social Worker, or someone who can Advocate for her? PF I think that AgeUK train Advocates, that would be a person a step away from the family dynamics that would speak up for your Mum.
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Oh PF I feel for you - if it was me I would get myself over to the hospital straight away, sod the SIL & brothers, you need to be there not only for your dear Mum but also for yourself - if you don't you might regret it.
All the arguments & resentments can be put to one side for now surely? ???
I do speak from experience :'(.
Cazi x
the nurse suggested I ring again in morning but says mum is fine and not in pain and had walked to loo with her. Because it takes me a good hour to get there I would have missed tonight's visiting anyway.
She has added both my home and mobile numbers to Mums notes.
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When my mum had hospital stays when she was still in her own home, her accommodation was assessed by Occupational Therapists to check she was safe. She had to demonstrate that she could get herself in and out of her chair and bed, use the toilet safely and make herself at least a drink - they didn't take her word for it - she had to show them she could do it.
Make sure the hospital know to let you know when any assessment is to be done, so you can be there. OT's are very good at spotting when older people say they can do more than they can, and will listen to what you tell them too. It's a necessary step to make sure your Mum gets what she needs, but be warned it can be hard to watch, especially if having to show someone else what she is capable of makes your Mum realise what she can't do ....
Thinking of you xxx
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Whereas Social Workers tend to put the client 'first' and not listen to what relatives tell them is the reality!
Did you sleep PF?
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Hello ladies.
We have had similar problems with MIL who has just gone into a nursing home. During one of her many hospital stays she was interviewed about her capabilities and told the social worker that she could get upstairs to the toilet and in and out of her chair. Unfortunately she failed to add that the chair is an electric 'rise and recline' model and she has a chair lift to get upstairs! Needless to say when we discovered all this we had to track down the social worker and set her straight.
I send my sympathies to everyone struggling with these situations.
K.
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I read an article last week about how Alzheimer's patients can fail to recognise grey as it is a dull colour and they were neglecting to use their walkers and frames and taking tumbles. The manager of the home introduced a scheme to decorate all the frames and walkers in bright colours with the resident's name on each one. Apparently they don't forget to use them now and the falls have reduced considerably.
http://metro.co.uk/2016/12/02/pimp-my-zimmer-elderly-residents-at-an-essex-carehome-look-super-fly-6298422/
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PF - your sister-in-law will stay overnight if your Mum gets sent home then? How will your Mum access her home if she's sent without them telling you? Will the Ambulance return her to the Ward if there's no one there to let her in? It's a real mine-field of no one joining up the pieces!
BJ - how interesting! Also, many old people tend to be bent over so don't always see what is 'in front' of them!
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I read an article last week about how Alzheimer's patients can fail to recognise grey as it is a dull colour and they were neglecting to use their walkers and frames and taking tumbles. The manager of the home introduced a scheme to decorate all the frames and walkers in bright colours with the resident's name on each one. Apparently they don't forget to use them now and the falls have reduced considerably.
http://metro.co.uk/2016/12/02/pimp-my-zimmer-elderly-residents-at-an-essex-carehome-look-super-fly-6298422/
That is so interesting .... thanks. Mums wheeler is cream and brown with shelves. The shelves are used to store about a weeks worth of newspapers, Xmas cards, scissors, tissues, sweets etc. Rather than used as an aid to help her get about. :o
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PF - your sister-in-law will stay overnight if your Mum gets sent home then? How will your Mum access her home if she's sent without them telling you? Will the Ambulance return her to the Ward if there's no one there to let her in? It's a real mine-field of no one joining up the pieces!
BJ - how interesting! Also, many old people tend to be bent over so don't always see what is 'in front' of them!
It is indeed a minefield CLKD. I am drained with the worry of it all and can't eat. I just feel sick all the time.
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PF - given the time of year could your Mum go into respite care - maybe ring the two homes that you fancy and see what availability there might be? Or drop by and have that talk with the Staff at each home? Get an idea of the fee scales etc..
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Hello Pennyfarthing.
My MIL recently went into a nursing home and she is happy and settled. When she was at home she had an army of carers, cleaners, gardeners and other visitors, my SIL lived closeby and did all her shopping and my husband organised her medication, escorted her to all her medical appointments and we took her on days out. None of this was enough to prevent her having falls and frequently being admitted to hospital. Now she is in a nursing home she has 24 hour care which is what she needs.
I am always amused to hear reports suggesting that the elderly could and should live independently in their own homes. My MIL could do nothing for herself and although many people attended to her she was still at risk when left alone, overnight for example.
I hope you can find the right solution for your mother's care so that you can all feel the benefit of knowing that she is safe and being looked after.
Take care.
K.
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That's the way to go so that you have it clearer in your head, did you ask about respite care?
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That's the way to go so that you have it clearer in your head, did you ask about respite care?
I asked at the nicer one CLKD and they do offer respite. All this info I am storing up for when I need it. I want to at least know what's available so if I need it urgently I will have it to hand. THanks.
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Respite can be difficult to find when push comes to shove, which is why I suggest that maybe your Mum goes there on discharge? With the various bugs etc. families who do there caring may not have the physical means to look after their relative who then needs urgent respite.
Keep updating us! Try to eat little and often :bighug:
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You've heard from your brother and/or wife yet? Keeping quiet again …….. maybe suggest into respite care for the C.mas season 'in case' - this morning I saw a care home advertising 'continual respite care' on their notice board outside the property - am I missing something here?
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Crikey PF will you sleep tonight :'(. How did they know that your Mum was due for discharge ……….
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I can't advise you what to do but I know what I would do in your situation. You are next of kin, this is your mother. Your SIL is not even related to this lady except by marriage. This situation is wrong and I would seek professional (legal) advice maybe from the citizen's advice bureau if your SIL is actively preventing you from having contact with your mother. I rather think the social services or your mum's GP would be interested to hear of this development as well.
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I agree with Babyjane.
This woman appears to be after the money!
When does Power of Attorney kick in? Maybe change the locks on your Mum's house [which we did for mine, long story short] and have a key-pad on a need to know basis? In recent weeks we've changed that number too as she was giving it out to all and sundry and we felt that her security had again been compromised [longer story short].
I would ring your Mum's GP and ask for advice, he may be able to let you know what did the Hospital advise B4 her discharge? Certainly it's time that he/she knows the full picture in case your Mum becomes even more confused. I would ring the Ward Sister and ask who spoke to your Mum so that you can have a chat with her/him? Time that a Social Worker was involved.
A Solicitor could be instructed to put a restraining order on your brother/s. Do you or your Mum have a family Solicitor? Despite the issue of a newspaper delivery, it could be stressed that either they visit when the Social Worker or yourself are there ……. it would need to be worded so that your brother/s didn't turn it so that you are forbidding access which is really what you need to do ::)
Well done the Niece! :medal: maybe once this brother has thought over what has been said he might buck his ideas up!
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I expect your situation could be happening all over PF. Replicated many times. Maybe a similar thread in the New Year in Private Lives area?
:bighug:
Would your Mum's GP be someone who should know that your have Power of Attorney?
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Thank you all for your support. I have removed most stuff on here now just in case. If anybody wants to PM me that's OK but I don't want it all in public. Xx
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That's fine!
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That's fine!
Thanks. I didn't even realise there was a PRivate Lives area. :)
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If you press Menopause Matters Forum (in black) it will show all the 'rooms' that are available. Private Lives is for those who have been here for a while ;-).
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Posts within Private Lives can only be viewed by members.
It can't be viewed by non members lurking.
Thanks. I will update on there. X
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I'm just going to post over there
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>wave< found you ;)
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Mum has mentioned feeling the need to get up in the night to pee: something she never did: since her discharge home following a recent fall. I have looked on her Surgery web-site to see if there is a Continence Nurse attached to the Practice but it doesn't specify other than a physio..
Difficult to raise the subject although she was always open about periods etc.. Her GP is visiting her in the morning but I don't expect she will tell him it wasn't on the list we devised over the 'phone yesterday ::).
I expect I will write to her with suggestions ....... i.e. pads, bedding etc.. I wonder if she has atrophy or similar :-\
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Mum and Dad are ringing up regularly to see how I am. DH has taken over talking to them when I am particularly breathless as it sounds even worse over the phone and of course then they worry even more. I did chat last night and Mum as usual gave me all details of her ailments and that of her friends, before handing the phone to Dad. I had to prompt him to let me know if he had the results of a barium meal Xray he had had. He has had problems swallowing, choking and coughing for some time. They found there is a narrowing constriction. His GP said it was unlikely to be cancer as he has been having problems for a while and it would have got worse. He felt it was more likely to be due to aging. A biopsy will taken, but apparently they they can stretch the area, but it would have to be done every year. Doesn't sound very pleasant. Dads 92.
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I'm so sorry for him. He loves his food. He has already lost his sense of smell, now this. I hope he doesn't have to resort to puréed food, but perhaps he'll have to eventually,
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Mums ill again. Just heard. Hives, low blood pressure, collapse not fully conscious, vomiting and incontinence. Poor Dad has had a time of it looking after her. He made the decision not to call for help, as last time she went to hospital she lay on a trolley for hours before getting a bed and they did very little for her as she started to recover. It was very stressful for them both. I'm supporting him in this decision as she is following the normal pattern and is showing signs of getting slightly better. Dads said if things deteriorate he will ring for an ambulance. I have encouraged him to ring the doctor though, who would rather keep Mum home if possible. I'm worried about Dad too. And I can't go and help as I'm not well. I couldn't even drive safely at the moment.
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Hi Ju Ju,
Just sending lots of hugs and wishing you and your mum and dad a quick recovery. These are very stressful situations! Your mum is lucky to have your dad to take care of her, he will find the strength to deal with this. "When sorrows come they come not single spies, but in battalions..." My 89 y/o father is worth a whole regiment... ::)
:hug:
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Your parents have dealt with this previously Ju Ju, shame that after such a good innings your Mum has had this happen again.
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Yes, they know what to expect. Dad said he feels Mum is frailer than 5 months ago though. We both agree that home is where she should be if possible. I just wish he had help to clear the consequences of the incontinence. There is a silver lining to having lost his sense of smell! Dad still has his sense of humour. He didn't want to tell me in the circumstances, but knew I would be very cross f he didn't. At least I can do my usual on the end of the phone. They have a friend who is a long retired nurse, who has been supportive too.
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Rubber gloves and plenty of cold water followed by ......... we have found a "VAX" as well as a steam cleaning mop really useful when cleaning up after Mum's recent fall. The steam cleaners aren't dear, are light-weight and stow neatly. Would they consider a covering which wipes easily at the point where your Mum is taken poorly or is the situation variable?
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Oh how I wish! There have been several suggestions made along the line and Mum is resistant to all. Dad would happily take up some of my suggestions. At the moment I'm not in any fit state to do anything, organise or battle. It's frustrating. I will try and insist on disposable covers that you can quickly throw on the sheet. She does have a waterproof mattress protector. I would love to replace the carpet with something washable. Temporary coverings have the potential to trip her up.
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One makes the suggestions and stands well back? Have you tried "My friend told me that XYZ (similar situation to your parents') worked when there was an emergency?" fill in gaps as appropriate? However, if your Dad is coping ........ age notwithstanding this not your sheep, not your farm ;)
It's the "I can't do that Dear" retort that I get nearly every time suggestions are made that get me down, but if anyone else makes the same suggestion :-X
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Just heard that Mums in hospital. I've been asleep for hours, but DH took the call and didn't wake me as I had felt so ill. Apparently she had stomach pains, which isn't usual. She was taken to hospital by ambulance at 1 in the morning. Going to be hard to go back to sleep now. Feeling so frustrated and useless.
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Hi Ju Ju,
Did she eat something unusual? I hope they can sort it out at the hospital. You may be frustrated, but not useless because there is nothing you can do, dear!
:hug:
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The trigger was a cold. This has happened a lot, though antihistamines have kept the attacks at bay for 5 months. The doctors haven't a clue why she has these symptoms. I told her she was a medical mystery! Talked to Dad this morning. She is a bit better and was able to phone him with a list of things she needs. He'll go and see her this afternoon on the bus, which stops near where they live and takes him to the hospital entrance. Takes him round all the parts of the town he doesn't need to know, but at least he hasn't the stress of hospital parking.
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I see, winter must be tough for elders, we don't have a proper winter here... I've heard that a lot of elders in Europe like to go to Spain after retirement, less colds there? I wonder if the hot flushes during winter are more bearable... ::)
Glad to know your Dad is coping!
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So frustrating Ju Ju!
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I found my father drunk and unable to get up under heavy rain... he was bleeding from his nose and had a hematoma under one eye, he said he bumped into the bedroom door... I quit, will look for an elderly care home.
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Social care system doesn't work, we have to pay for everything >:(
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Oh Menomale, I understand the music track that you posted on another thread. I'm so sorry. Is there anyone you can ask for advise on what to do next?
Mum came home yesterday. No one contacted Dad. He had gone on the bus. They said that that was no problem and arranged for a ride in a patient bus. However, it took 2 hours to get them home. It's a 10 minute car ride. If Dad had known he would have gone back home and got the car. He has to go back for her medication today. He's exhausted.
Mums just phoned! She was in bed, but wanted to talk. She never got to a ward in 2 days, but was kept in an observation area, with 2 loos, one of which was out of order. The staff did their best.
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Hi Ju Ju,
I'm afraid there's no one with good advice considering the situation, I'm stuck.
Dealing with disease (all sorts) is very exhausting indeed. Maybe that's why people involved with healthcare get so cold and distant sometimes, it's hard to bear.
I hope your Mum an Dad can get some rest soon.
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That is not good practice Ju Ju! It doesn't matter where patients are 'held' as long as facilities work! and they talk about stopping the spread of this disease and that bug?!? Maybe contact the Hospital patient support group, i.e. PALS? I sent an e-mail to the guy last week with a few small suggestions following Mum's recent admission/discharge. There is NO joined up thinking but at least we knew the day of her discharge home!
What would the Hospital have done had your Dad not been able to collect the medication? Mum was told prior to discharge that once off the Ward she was responsible for her drugs!
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I'm frustrated I can't go and see them. But at least we can talk on the phone. They seem to take strength from that. Mum says the decision to discharge her came after Dad had left to visit her. The long journey was caused by one of the passengers losing his key and no one was home, so the driver decided it was time efficient to drop off other passengers to a town further afield. And of course there were traffic jams. I have never regretted moving away. None of the advantages of town living, just the disadvantages.
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4 Pennyfarthing .......... feet up, cuppa to hand ;)
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Does anyone know how it is possible for the Council to snatch back 'top up' fees from a client to cover a 'short-fall' of care at that particular Home?Surely no one can take money from a Bank Account without the owner signing forms? The family in particular have been told that they will have to pay the top up fee because their relative is reusing to do so :-\
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Hi CLKD
Do you know what the top up is for?
When my mom was in a care home, she had her state pension took off her for ‘payment'
They only left her with about £18 per week.
If she'd had her hair done, or nails cut, or feet done, we would have to pay separate for that.(which was a lot more than her £18)
Mom had no money, other than a small bit of savings that her and Dad saved.
I really don't think they can just take the money from the bank account, they will ask relatives
to pay. But if they refuse, I think it will be took out of the persons estate when they die.
I will ask my OH when he gets back, he's more clued up on things like that than I am.
Jd x
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This family has been unable to gain Power of Attorney. Maybe she was taken to the Bank to sign forms. Top us usually due to the local authority not paying enough to cover the cost of each resdident so that at the end of the week, there is a short-fall for each client. What happens if there simply ain't enough money! If one is in Hospital for a few weeks the Pension is used for the B&B side of care. Nursing care is free at the point of delivery, i.e. in the GP Surgery, Practice Nurse Advice, Hospital admission - free.
I hear people telling me "I have to pay top up fees" - nope. You don't. What will happen if they don't, they simply haven't asked the question. We are not responsible for another persons' debts! not even your spouses debts. The Home in which Mum stays has a shortfall every week for those in council care whereas Mum self funds her complete service requirements.
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They can't take her to the bank to sign forms can they?
Is she compusmentus ?
Even so, if she's got money in her bank account and the family can't, or won't pay, it'll
Be paid when the person dies, out of their estate. If they've got any.
It's not their fault there is a short fall every month, surely, that's down to the local council
to pay.... they should get onto them...
I'd tell them not to pay anything, and I wouldn't...
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Hi CLKD
Just asked OH and he said, if they haven't got power of attorney, then they are not
responsible nor required to pay relatives bills.
If the care home top up fees exceed the councils limit for that care home, then
you either pay, or move to a cheaper home that IS fully funded by the council.
That's the way it is in his mind..
Jd x
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Trouble is, how does one find out whether the home is fully funded? The Client is there. Relatives are getting letters saying that they have to pay the top up but no one is responsible for anothers debts :-\.
She has been diagnosed with vascular dementia
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They have to get touch with social services, or tell the care home that they're
Not paying for it. If social services sorted it all out at the beginning then they
should be informed that there's a short fall every month, and that they (the family)
are being asked to pay, which they won't/ can't..
Social services should be informed.
If they're a self funded client then I'm afraid they'll have to wait for they're money until
The person passes away, then it'll come out of there estate. Like you say, no one is
responsible for another's debt.
Jd x
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Mum is currently paying £800 a week for her care home. I could cry when I see her bank statements and how the money is disappearing so fast. She spent her life cleaning peoples houses and scrubbing floors and never got a penny in benefits nor did my Dad. They never had a foreign holiday, they had ancient cars, they never smoked or drank or gambled and they just kept their heads above water all their lives with no help from anybody.
I'd better stop there as it makes me so upset and angry.
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Is it £800 going from her account or is there extra that is un-accounted for? :-\ They lived as they choose PF. Isn't it better that your Mum has comfortable care? Mine pays £700 a week: full board, personal laundry done daily, sheets changed weekly, no housework to do; coffee/tea/biscuits when necessary; assisted bathing - for that alone she was paying £17.00 per week at home; trips out in the mini bus. Maintenance man is there twice a week. He helps her with a small garden outside her room. Visitors as and when. She isn't confined, we can collect/return her when we are over there. People do visit with her. She has a day room with activities should she choose to partake.
When we go to a Hotel we pay £100.00 per night, B&B; lunch or evening meal extra and no free laundry done.
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I'm with you penny farthing,
My parents we're exactly the same,
even their well off son didn't help them.
But that's a different story..
Jd xx
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They made their choices though. Save it or spend it. What's the money for if not to have a comfortable lodging with care ? If parents want their children to have the money, give it to them now!!!! Otherwise ........ also, it's the parents' monies; they could have gone on holiday, had days out, meals out, but they choose not to. This isn't ours to regret ::).
I don't think that, by the time we need it, there will be a care system at all unless the Government starts paying full whack for clients that require care. Of course, the Government of the Day won't have to worry, will they.
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Is it £800 going from her account or is there extra that is un-accounted for? :-\ They lived as they choose PF. Isn't it better that your Mum has comfortable care? Mine pays £700 a week: full board, personal laundry done daily, sheets changed weekly, no housework to do; coffee/tea/biscuits when necessary; assisted bathing - for that alone she was paying £17.00 per week at home; trips out in the mini bus. Maintenance man is there twice a week. He helps her with a small garden outside her room. Visitors as and when. She isn't confined, we can collect/return her when we are over there. People do visit with her. She has a day room with activities should she choose to partake.
When we go to a Hotel we pay £100.00 per night, B&B; lunch or evening meal extra and no free laundry done.
Mum is being very well cared for and has a lovely, bright and sunny room. the meals are fabulous and the staff are all great at this home where she's been since November. She had 9 months in a home prior to this and althought it started well, they were not nice to her, she lost loads of weight and was very unhappy.
Mum didnt really have much choice as she needed to keep a roof over her head. She had little in the way of savings so was entitled to pension credit as all she had was her state pension but she did own her house but now thats had to be sold to pay her bills.
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That's what the properties are for, look on it as part of the Pension? as is the free TV Licence scheme over a certain age. I'm pleased that she is happy now .......... I can watch my Mum on Facebook, can you see what yours is up to?
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Why look upon care as being 'put' anywhere :-\ ? We need to consider what our likely health needs will be. If possible choose a Home that has care as well as full nursing available, to avoid being moved as we age. I couldn't do that for Mum as she managed to get a room in the 1st place of her choice. Which means that she has settled, knock me down with a feather :o 8) ::)
Also we have to consider those that we live with. I wouldn't want my husband as he ages to have to do the lifting for example, I would rather that he remained healthy in order to do his hobbies etc., which means that when he visits me he will have more to talk about. Otherwise we would sit, looking at each other :-X
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:bounce:
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I think some people imagine some old people are “put away†and never visited. I visit my Mum every other day, I take her for a walk in the wheelchair if she fancies it, we sit in the lovely garden. I went with her to hospital appt last week. Wednesday I was with her while she got her hair done. Today I took my Auntie in to visit her and we had a lovely lunch with her. My brother also visited before lunch. I got home and Mums old neighbour rang to say she would visit her one day next week.
The people I am most disappointed in the priests at her church. They have not visited once despite knowing where she is. all my childhood I can remember my mother cleaning the church, the brasses, mending altar cloths, putting flowers out and fundraising. Her and my auntie and another lady were the founder members of that church which started out as not much more than a shed. She never ever missed mass in all her life until she was 92 and went into care. My late Dad always used to say all her hard work was not appreciated and I would like to tell him he's right! One woman from church got to hear that no priests visit so she now goes in every few weeks and takes her communion.
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The Vicar of the Church where Mum attended visited. The Vicar and his Wife, the previous incumbents, visit weekly. But the Vicar in the village that Mum now resides in hasn't, as far as I know, bothered even after my request in April. Her friends have not been a lot either, but she is in activities every morning from 10.00 and in the day room the rest of the time ::). I think that they went for a nose round then didn't bother, also the weather was bad then there were 'bugs' so people got out of the habit. 1 friend goes every 2nd week and my cousins keep in touch with Mum: who hasn't bothered to tell me that >:(.
We take her out when we can, after she has had lunch. That way she keeps to a routine.
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From my experience the more religious people appear to be, the less compassion they have. Perhaps it is the nature of the job and they become immune to the needs of others. As for friends and family visiting a loved one in hospital or a care home it is sad and interesting to learn who genuinely care for the loved one apart from yourself. Do not let absent visitors get to you. Your loved one knows you care and are there for them even if they may not be able to express this to you. Whatever illness a loved one has their spiritual heart does not disappear they are still that person inside even if their behaviours are not what you are used to. Remember true love runs deep.
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That's lovely, Krystal.
So true, thanx.xx
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Certainly between my husband and I ;). Mum however ::) [long story short]
I have to keep telling myself that 'she can't help it' ......... her friends are younger than she is. They are less mobile. Less motivated and if she tells them "Don't worry about me, I'm OK here" then they are less likely to take time out anyway. Then she moans at me that no-one visits but I know her game now.
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The person who arranges activities at the Home where Mum resides has been on a special course and really engages the residents
Gardening outdoors - but the rabbits ate it!
Dusting and polishing inside [so that the Staff can see how much movement each resident has]
Singing/kareoke
Poetry reading
Nail painting
Making butterflies - she provided them with cut outs and crayons to fill in then the finished articles have been hung on the walls
The 5 senses: each day the residents were given things: herbs to sniff, items to feel etc.
Last week it was a Spanish theme: costume, dancing, paella: but shell fish were served which I feel is a bit too close to the edge, Mum for example has allergies! but had forgotten them
They make cakes ....... :-X which they get to eat for supper
They are saving newspapers to make paper machiee [sp] pumpkins
A baby was handed round recently but I didn't see [on Facebook] that Mum took part in that :-\
Indoor bowls
Colouring 'in'
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One thing I noted on Care Home Face Book last week, which is an open site :-\ was a Spanish day including the serving of mussels. Now Mum is allergic to shell fish but when I mentioned this yesterday, she had forgotten. :-\ . This was noted on her records when she went into the Home in December so I have sent an e-mail to the part-time Manager .......... I have suggested that shell fish maybe shouldn't be on the menu at all as I am sure that many people have allergies and as several residents are forgetful :-\
Do U think that I have over-stepped the mark? Mum develops breast lumps after shell fish :'(
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Nearly 12 months since Mum told me that she had decided to go into care. While I would have preferred her to go into a place with full nursing care, the first of her choices had a bed available so she took it.
Prior to her moving I read the various Commission reports as recommended by several people who were here at the time. However: having watched Staff interacting with residents in the last 10 months and walking round the property it is obvious to me that it isn't suitable for those with a tendency to wander. Doors are readily opened. There are no fences or gates protecting them from reaching the road or stopping people accessing the garden 'with intent'. The signing in book isn't kept up to date, as a legal document this should be filled in every time someone visits a resident and when they leave the premisses. It's in case of fire, in the main.
I get the impression that the Commission reports do as little as is necessary. It was noted how Staff interacted with residents, how they tapped on the doors B4 entering to deal with residents in their rooms; how those doors were kept closed in order to main dignity. No suggestions of increasing security into and out of the building. No CCTV on the quiet corridors but they have an open Facebook ...........
In recent weeks some of the doors have been given key pads and the keys out of the way of residents who want to roam. However, the bathroom door had a broken two-way lock which we drew attention to several times: a lock and bolt was put on 'temporarily' - that was 4 months ago. So carers could not access a resident should he/she fall behind that locked door.
So if you want to look at care homes, go along. Sit quietly and watch. Have a discussion about how safe access into and out of the building is and what happens in the case of fire. I am more savvy ..........
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I found out at the weekend that there are 2 Carers on in the night: for a Home of 25 clients :o. Apparently there is no legal requirement for more Staff at night. I dread to think what would happen in the event of D&V!
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Yes that's right CLKD, maybe they get more staff on if they are on shutdown because of bugs and the like.
I think I told you before of my mother who as you know is in a home, had a fall and anambulance was called at 4am. They phoned me to accompany her as they had no staff available. I could hardly say no but I couldn't drive as it wasn't long after my op so I went in ambulance. Then had to get a taxi home 4 hours later, she was discharged later that day.
Blooming shambles 🙄
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Apparently in Wales there is a legal safe staffing level but not in Scotland or England :'(
Nice to C U!
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Found it! 8)
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Bounced
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:-\ :'( Woman, 92, dies after Northampton General Hospital loses dentures :'( :-\
What happened to 'duty of care' >:( : this lady was moved from ward to ward and somehow items went missing ....... but surely that is not an excuse for not feeding anyone :bang:
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Nothing seems to have changed regarding the feeding of patients. Prepacked sandwiches and plastic cups are no use to those with poor or limited hand movement, let alone putting these items out of reach. There have been many NHS initiatives over the years to improve patient nutrition and maintain the correct calorific intake whilst in hospital but they all seem to fall by the wayside when this is no longer the focus of attention. It is really hard for relatives who care about their loved ones and I have witnessed relatives bringing in their own food and feeding the patients themselves. However you cannot make someone eat if they do not want to, there has to be the will to do so by the patient. Looking and caring for elderly relatives is hard and always will be if you care.
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Did anybody see 2 part Panorama Crisis in Care. Very sad how some people are really struggling at home to get help. I just watched Part 2 which I recorded and it highlighted people having to sell their homes to pay their care home fees and how social services pay care homes about £500 a week for people with no assets but people like my Mum who had to sell her house (ex council so definitely not a mansion) are being charged £800 -£1000 a week for the same care and are subsidising others! Even the woman from social services said it wasn't fair but said “what else can we do.â€
I have a few friends who are older than me and they are already thinking about what's going to happen to them when they need care.
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The two tier costs for a care home were like that when my mum required full time care and that was over ten years ago. Every home we went to visit had this system. My mums bungalow had to be sold to pay for her care but I did not begrudge one penny spent on her care. It was a lovely home where the care home staff cared. The owners of the home were a Greek family who believed all people were entitled to be cared for as if they were family members, it was just the two tier fee system that annoyed me. Having said that my health improved one I knew Mum was being looked after so well and that she was happy.
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Sadly Councils under-cut many Care Homes by £ousands a year ........ so if it wasn't for people paying more then council funded clients simply wouldn't get the care they deserve.
This particular case: the lady was moved Wards at least 3 times and several belongings went missing, including her teeth and Pension book. That is no excuse to not provide her with a pureed meal and assist in feeding her :'(. Heads should roll, this is pure neglect. How can anyone in charge of a Ward not notice that those under their Care :-\ are starving and dehydrated.
When Dad was in hospital in 2004/6 they had 'protected meal times'. Not when I was there, I fed a man in the next bed who cried because his lunch time food tray had been placed out of his reach for 3 days :o and removed without anyone noticing :bang: :bang: :bang: that he hadn't eaten anything: "not hungry today then?". The Nurse came towards me and I said "If you tell me to leave I will phone my contact at the Daily Telegraph".
Some Hospitals are so short of staff that they encourage relatives to feed patients. This isn't a 3rd World Country :cuss:
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We had recent experience of hospital and rehab (post stroke), care def far below standard it should be, yes staffing is a major issue & I know how much it can impact on the care you give & morale when you feel you haven't provided the care & service you would want to give. However, there is no excuse for vulnerable people being malnourished & dehydrated that are being 'cared for' whether in NHS or privately. It's a disgraceful reflection of government priorities generally. >:(
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This particular case is a bad reflextion of lack of 'care' in this particular hospital. Where was the Ward Sister/Staff Nurse? Why didn't the Chef query why this patient wasn't being fed. Where was the Social Worker .......... heads should roll.
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Sadly Councils under-cut many Care Homes by £ousands a year ........ so if it wasn't for people paying more then council funded clients simply wouldn't get the care they deserve.
This particular case: the lady was moved Wards at least 3 times and several belongings went missing, including her teeth and Pension book. That is no excuse to not provide her with a pureed meal and assist in feeding her :'(. Heads should roll, this is pure neglect. How can anyone in charge of a Ward not notice that those under their Care :-\ are starving and dehydrated.
When Dad was in hospital in 2004/6 they had 'protected meal times'. Not when I was there, I fed a man in the next bed who cried because his lunch time food tray had been placed out of his reach for 3 days :o and removed without anyone noticing :bang: :bang: :bang: that he hadn't eaten anything: "not hungry today then?". The Nurse came towards me and I said "If you tell me to leave I will phone my contact at the Daily Telegraph".
Some Hospitals are so short of staff that they encourage relatives to feed patients. This isn't a 3rd World Country :cuss:
“So if it wasn't for people paying more then council funded clients wouldn't get the care they deserve.â€
So you think it's OK for SOME people to pick up the tab for other people?
These funded people could be people who have never had much but they could equally be people who have spent all their money on drinking, smoking, gambling etc.
It would be like you being told you will only get, say, £20 a week state pension because you are not as poor as some other people. I'm sure that wouldn't go down well. ;D
One of the Care Team Managers at Mum's home told me that she has done an Equity Release plan now (she's early 60's.) because she has seen this happen to so many elderly people and she thinks it is grossly unfair. She has given her two daughters large cash sums to improve their homes and have holidays and she and her hubby go on several luxury holidays each year now. her daughters are happy with the situation and she says there is no way she is picking up the tab for other peoples care after she has worked so hard all her life. She actually cried when we discussed my Mum and how she spent all her life cleaning and scrubbing for people, never having holidays and never getting any benefits in her life. She said that people assume self funders are wealthy people and in many cases they definitely are not.
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It's the way it is. I believe that those above a certain threshold should be in a different care home to those council funded. Certainly there should be a level playing field so that there are nurses and physios. in all establishments so that those that require such care get it without having to move or pay 'extra'.
Care should be care regardless. But the Government of the Day didn't see a) how much money saving was due to families looking after relatives at home, therefore not costing the NHS hospital beds etc. and b) what the level of care would become, c) what care people actually want - rather than being shoved into 3/4 bedded rooms with shared bathroom we need space to ourselves with en-suite.
Of course, those 'in charge' will be able to fund totally private facilities.
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It's the way it is. I believe that those above a certain threshold should be in a different care home to those council funded. Certainly there should be a level playing field so that there are nurses and physios. in all establishments so that those that require such care get it without having to move or pay 'extra'.
Care should be care regardless. But the Government of the Day didn't see a) how much money saving was due to families looking after relatives at home, therefore not costing the NHS hospital beds etc. and b) what the level of care would become, c) what care people actually want - rather than being shoved into 3/4 bedded rooms with shared bathroom we need space to ourselves with en-suite.
Of course, those 'in charge' will be able to fund totally private facilities.
That would never work. Residential and Nursing Homes are quite different. Only Nursing homes have qualified nurses.
I don't understand your last sentence at all.
You never said whether you would be OK with giving most of your pension to other people! ;)
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In the Government of the day - they won't have these worries. So they don't have to consider taking elderly and end of life care seriously :D
I can't get worried about it PF. It's how it is in the UK. At least I don't have to consider having mum under my roof :o as many European countries do .........
Residential and Nursing Care should be one and the same so that as people age and need more attention, they don't have to move 'homes'. In 1 place I visited a few years ago they had residential care downstairs, nursing care up which seemed, on an issue of safety, up-side down to me: imagine a fire :o
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In the Government of the day - they won't have these worries. So they don't have to consider taking elderly and end of life care seriously :D
I can't get worried about it PF. It's how it is in the UK. At least I don't have to consider having mum under my roof :o as many European countries do .........
Residential and Nursing Care should be one and the same so that as people age and need more attention, they don't have to move 'homes'. In 1 place I visited a few years ago they had residential care downstairs, nursing care up which seemed, on an issue of safety, up-side down to me: imagine a fire :o
You still haven't answered the question ;)
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The whole system is not user friendly. If you don't know what you are about and how the payment system is structured it can cost more than it should. We challenged the nursing care aspect for my late FIL, as he obviously was getting nursing care but it was not reflected in the cost. Therefore he was paying too much as nursing care is not chargeable. Amazingly, after his death, the appeal was upheld, and a considerable amount of money was refunded. If a family member had not had the time, patience and knowledge to pursue this, it would have been lost money.
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Hello ladies.
Are there any council run care/ nursing homes anymore? Certainly we never found any when we were looking for MIL.
All the places we looked at were privately run meaning they were businesses required to make a profit or close down. The 'care' of the elderly is not the priority in my opinion.
Take care ladies.
K.
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Sadly Councils under-cut many Care Homes by £ousands a year ........ so if it wasn't for people paying more then council funded clients simply wouldn't get the care they deserve.
This particular case: the lady was moved Wards at least 3 times and several belongings went missing, including her teeth and Pension book. That is no excuse to not provide her with a pureed meal and assist in feeding her :'(. Heads should roll, this is pure neglect. How can anyone in charge of a Ward not notice that those under their Care :-\ are starving and dehydrated.
When Dad was in hospital in 2004/6 they had 'protected meal times'. Not when I was there, I fed a man in the next bed who cried because his lunch time food tray had been placed out of his reach for 3 days :o and removed without anyone noticing :bang: :bang: :bang: that he hadn't eaten anything: "not hungry today then?". The Nurse came towards me and I said "If you tell me to leave I will phone my contact at the Daily Telegraph".
Some Hospitals are so short of staff that they encourage relatives to feed patients. This isn't a 3rd World Country :cuss:
“So if it wasn't for people paying more then council funded clients wouldn't get the care they deserve.â€
So you think it's OK for SOME people to pick up the tab for other people?
These funded people could be people who have never had much but they could equally be people who have spent all their money on drinking, smoking, gambling etc.
It would be like you being told you will only get, say, £20 a week state pension because you are not as poor as some other people. I'm sure that wouldn't go down well. ;D
One of the Care Team Managers at Mum's home told me that she has done an Equity Release plan now (she's early 60's.) because she has seen this happen to so many elderly people and she thinks it is grossly unfair. She has given her two daughters large cash sums to improve their homes and have holidays and she and her hubby go on several luxury holidays each year now. her daughters are happy with the situation and she says there is no way she is picking up the tab for other peoples care after she has worked so hard all her life. She actually cried when we discussed my Mum and how she spent all her life cleaning and scrubbing for people, never having holidays and never getting any benefits in her life. She said that people assume self funders are wealthy people and in many cases they definitely are not.
Inclined to agree on this point. Sometime ago I watched a tv programme about care in which 2 people living in the same care home were paying substantially different amounts. It led me to make the following comparison. Imagine 2 people who have worked all their lives on an adequate public sector salary but were never well off. Both have managed to buy their own flat/house before the prices shot up but the similarity ends there. Number 1 sacrifices extra holidays and expensive clothes to pay into their work pension fund and pay off their mortgage as quickly as possible so has savings by retirement. The other opts for interest only mortgage and runs up credit card bills for expensive purchases which are still outstanding when they become ill and dependent. On retirement, the 2nd has no savings at all while the first has the value of their property and modest savings.
Yhy should the 2nd pay much more for the same services?
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Mum gets her own room with a shared bathroom next door but no one else is mobile enough to go there. Assisted bathroom. She won't have to 'share' not there is space in that room but if people run out of funding they either have to double up or move 'homes'.
What was the question ?
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Basically provision is a mess. Funding is a mess. And you have to fight to get what you or a family member is entitled too. Council care is like gold dust and private care homes are going bust. ::)
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I think it depends on which area ............ also who is funding care. They shouldn't go 'bust' if financed correctly. Should be that monies are poured back into the Company ...........
The place Mum stays is 1 of 2 owned by a small Company who apparently have purchased somewhere beyond York :o. Pity that relatives aren't informed, as there are Plans to extend the place that Mum stays at. Tiles need replacing on the roof long B4 any new building takes place!!
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Sadly Councils under-cut many Care Homes by £ousands a year ........ so if it wasn't for people paying more then council funded clients simply wouldn't get the care they deserve.
This particular case: the lady was moved Wards at least 3 times and several belongings went missing, including her teeth and Pension book. That is no excuse to not provide her with a pureed meal and assist in feeding her :'(. Heads should roll, this is pure neglect. How can anyone in charge of a Ward not notice that those under their Care :-\ are starving and dehydrated.
When Dad was in hospital in 2004/6 they had 'protected meal times'. Not when I was there, I fed a man in the next bed who cried because his lunch time food tray had been placed out of his reach for 3 days :o and removed without anyone noticing :bang: :bang: :bang: that he hadn't eaten anything: "not hungry today then?". The Nurse came towards me and I said "If you tell me to leave I will phone my contact at the Daily Telegraph".
Some Hospitals are so short of staff that they encourage relatives to feed patients. This isn't a 3rd World Country :cuss:
“So if it wasn't for people paying more then council funded clients wouldn't get the care they deserve.â€
So you think it's OK for SOME people to pick up the tab for other people?
These funded people could be people who have never had much but they could equally be people who have spent all their money on drinking, smoking, gambling etc.
It would be like you being told you will only get, say, £20 a week state pension because you are not as poor as some other people. I'm sure that wouldn't go down well. ;D
One of the Care Team Managers at Mum's home told me that she has done an Equity Release plan now (she's early 60's.) because she has seen this happen to so many elderly people and she thinks it is grossly unfair. She has given her two daughters large cash sums to improve their homes and have holidays and she and her hubby go on several luxury holidays each year now. her daughters are happy with the situation and she says there is no way she is picking up the tab for other peoples care after she has worked so hard all her life. She actually cried when we discussed my Mum and how she spent all her life cleaning and scrubbing for people, never having holidays and never getting any benefits in her life. She said that people assume self funders are wealthy people and in many cases they definitely are not.
Inclined to agree on this point. Sometime ago I watched a tv programme about care in which 2 people living in the same care home were paying substantially different amounts. It led me to make the following comparison. Imagine 2 people who have worked all their lives on an adequate public sector salary but were never well off. Both have managed to buy their own flat/house before the prices shot up but the similarity ends there. Number 1 sacrifices extra holidays and expensive clothes to pay into their work pension fund and pay off their mortgage as quickly as possible so has savings by retirement. The other opts for interest only mortgage and runs up credit card bills for expensive purchases which are still outstanding when they become ill and dependent. On retirement, the 2nd has no savings at all while the first has the value of their property and modest savings.
Yhy should the 2nd pay much more for the same services?
Ahhh, someone on my wavelength! My Mum had so little money that she was actually on Pension Credit. Her only income was her state Pension and Attendance Allowance in recent years. However, because she owned her own house she had to sell it to pay her care home fees. There is no getting around it. She had lived in her house for over 60 years and it was a council house which they rented for 35 years before buying it at a discount. She absolutely loved her home and garden but there was no way she was safe there as she was having so many falls and had Alzheimers. It's bad enough losing your home but THEN paying approx £800 a week when others are funded by the council who are paying £500 for the same room and care is just not right.
I keep telling my husband we should just spend what we have and enjoy it. You really are better off with no assets.
I have spoken to so many people and they just do not realise this is happening to lots of old people. I have even had people saying to me “I think you mean £800 a month don't you?†Err no, £800 a WEEK and many are even more than that. I looked at a couple which were £1200 a week.
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Yes the system is grossly unfair. However the lack of provision for those that have no funding is more unfair, in my view. If you have no private means it is now near impossible to get a care home place, particularly if there are family members who social services expect to fill the care gap.
It's the system that is wrong, in every aspect, not people with no funding having an advantage because they most certainly do not.
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We see our property, currently worth £300.00, as part of our Pension which will go towards hip replacements or care fees. Those that pay in a care/nursing home get single rooms often with en-suite whereas those put into 'care' without funds often have to share, my idea of hell in my old age!
People where Mum stays are a mix, council funded - who don't pay the full weekly wack for clients - and people who self fund. There is always a gap!! Mum's fees went up £100.00 a week, 1st April with no warning ! fortunately we are in a position where we can juggle monies which means we lend her £5,000 a year and the Financial Advisor will pay it back once her accounts are topped up with Isa withdrawal as the year goes by. She doesn't receive anything more for the extra £100.00 per week other than not having to share with someone who doesn't pay the full weekly amount.
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Yes the system is grossly unfair. However the lack of provision for those that have no funding is more unfair, in my view. If you have no private means it is now near impossible to get a care home place, particularly if there are family members who social services expect to fill the care gap.
It's the system that is wrong, in every aspect, not people with no funding having an advantage because they most certainly do not.
In my experience people who depend on social services for funding don't have problems getting care home places. I worked with older people for 16 years (not in a caring capacity) and my friend has just retired as a qualified social worker spending her whole working life in Adult care so she advised me a lot.
Where my Mum is now, they take in people who have just left hospital but are not fit enough to go home. Many have been in there months and do not have to pay a penny. My friend the social worker tells me that some people know how to work the system and are proud of the fact that “this is not costing me a penny†so they hang on as long as they can.
Before I got my Mum settled I visited 14 care and nursing homes and saw just one home with one shared room which they kept for people who didn't like to be alone and needed company.
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Yes the system is grossly unfair. However the lack of provision for those that have no funding is more unfair, in my view. If you have no private means it is now near impossible to get a care home place, particularly if there are family members who social services expect to fill the care gap.
It's the system that is wrong, in every aspect, not people with no funding having an advantage because they most certainly do not.
In my experience people who depend on social services for funding don't have problems getting care home places. I worked with older people for 16 years (not in a caring capacity) and my friend has just retired as a qualified social worker spending her whole working life in Adult care so she advised me a lot.
Where my Mum is now, they take in people who have just left hospital but are not fit enough to go home. Many have been in there months and do not have to pay a penny. My friend the social worker tells me that some people know how to work the system and are proud of the fact that “this is not costing me a penny†so they hang on as long as they can.
Before I got my Mum settled I visited 14 care and nursing homes and saw just one home with one shared room which they kept for people who didn't like to be alone and needed company.
Well my experience is totally different.
My sister and I tried for 8 months to find a place for my Dad. He was on a merry go round of being at home, being in hospital after yet another fall and in a temporary rehabilitation home. His last months were a nightmare and he eventually died in hospital after totally giving up. My sister and I had to care as best we could for him. As I lived a considerably distance away and my sister also cares for a disabled husband this was not easy. We would have loved to be able to 'work the system', to get help for my Dad, obviously we did not. >:(
Your experience is not what we experienced at all.
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Yes the system is grossly unfair. However the lack of provision for those that have no funding is more unfair, in my view. If you have no private means it is now near impossible to get a care home place, particularly if there are family members who social services expect to fill the care gap.
It's the system that is wrong, in every aspect, not people with no funding having an advantage because they most certainly do not.
[/
In my experience people who depend on social services for funding don't have problems getting care home places. I worked with older people for 16 years (not in a caring capacity) and my friend has just retired as a qualified social worker spending her whole working life in Adult care so she advised me a lot.
Where my Mum is now, they take in people who have just left hospital but are not fit enough to go home. Many have been in there months and do not have to pay a penny. My friend the social worker tells me that some people know how to work the system and are proud of the fact that “this is not costing me a penny†so they hang on as long as they can.
Before I got my Mum settled I visited 14 care and nursing homes and saw just one home with one shared room which they kept for people who didn't like to be alone and needed company.
Well my experience is totally different.
My sister and I tried for 8 months to find a place for my Dad. He was on a merry go round of being at home, being in hospital after yet another fall and in a temporary rehabilitation home. His last months were a nightmare and he eventually died in hospital after totally giving up. My sister and I had to care as best we could for him. As I lived a considerably distance away and my sister also cares for a disabled husband this was not easy. We would have loved to be able to 'work the system', to get help for my Dad, obviously we did not. >:(
Your experience is not what we experienced at all.
that's very sad. I think the most important thing people can do is insist that their elderly relatives do not leave hospital without a Care Plan in place, however hard they push you. Many older people tell the staff they will be fine at home or they have people to help them when in fact they don't and then they end up back in hospital a few days later.
When my Dad was dying they sent him home to the care of my Mum who was then 82 and could barely get up the stairs herself and was recovering from a second bowel cancer op. I didn't even know about Care Plans then! They didn't involve us at all, just asked Dad what he wanted to do and he said “go home†which was entirely the wrong thing to do.
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They have to listen to the client though. One can sit in a room with a dementia sufferer for example and it's tick boxes: the relative can't interrupt even when they know that what the client says. My friend knew her Uncle couldn't manage: but it was "My daughter will come and cook for me" but the daughter lived 250 miles away, hence my friend being in on the appt.. That question wasn't asked though, "Does your daughter live close by and can she cook?". The box was ticked: daughter will care!
What people don't realise is that one pays for the whole package: building, maintenance, insurance etc. DH and I were talking earlier today on the back of this thread and he wishes that the care system was more transparent. We don't know if Mum is paying the same fees as other self funders ........... or if they see her as a cash cow :-\. When fees went up in April the lady who had a separate room has had to double up as her funding has dried up, it's quite common in the care industry. She does have a property but we don't know if that has already been sold thus far ...... also, relatives do not have to pay for care, it's a choice. The Government cannot take monies from relatives in order to top up what LA should be paying.
It's emotional blackmail, because many 'contracts' state that relatives will have to find another situation should for any reason the position 'fails' but it's a bit wishy washy as to what 'failure' would be. Mum had 7 days notice when Dad was in a Home. But the 'contract' wasn't specific and she refused to allow me to put it in front of the family Solicitor.
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What would you recommend as 'toys' for elderly people? I may look at Early Learning. The residents already get a quiotes-type throwing game but the carer doesn't add up any scores :-\. Obviously hop scotch and Blind Mans' Bluff R out ;D ........
There aren't enough able minded residents to play cards or dominoes.
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Any point now targeting MPs regarding the lack of care across the UK?
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Any point now targeting MPs regarding the lack of care across the UK?
But that would be political and it seems we are not allowed to discuss politics on here. ::)
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Crikey. Retirement villages - people are exercising :o .......... organised. My idea of Hell :-X
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For PF is she wants to join in
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Snatched from above :
What people don't realise is that one pays for the whole package: building, maintenance, insurance etc. DH and I were talking earlier today on the back of this thread and he wishes that the care system was more transparent. We don't know if Mum is paying the same fees as other self funders ........... or if they see her as a cash cow :-\. When fees went up in April the lady who had a separate room has had to double up as her funding has dried up, it's quite common in the care industry. She does have a property but we don't know if that has already been sold thus far ...... also, relatives do not have to pay for care, it's a choice. The Government cannot take monies from relatives in order to top up what LA should be paying.
It's emotional blackmail, because many 'contracts' state that relatives will have to find another situation should for any reason the position 'fails' but it's a bit wishy washy as to what 'failure' would be. Mum had 7 days notice when Dad was in a Home. But the 'contract' wasn't specific and she refused to allow me to put it in front of the family Solicitor.
What I would like to see is that there is 1 owner to 1 care home and all care homes should have full nursing availability. Currently where Mum stays District Nurses attend for end of life support to the care teams.
The owner of where she stays now has 4 homes across the UK. But doesn't increase the amount of staff where she is. So still, 2 people for 25 residents over night - surely that can't be safe, what if there is a fire!!!
If Homes are Company run such as Barchester ........... usually full nursing care available - that the profits after maintenance costs are ploughed back into the home at local level, not into the Company over-all.
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Correct. But one shouldn't have to pay extra as Nursing Care should be free at the point of delivery! which in these cases, is in Care Homes. After all one doesn't pay for A&E etc.. That's another issue that they should be made aware of. You may have been able to claim it back if you knew the Barrister who was taking on such issues.
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Tnx for that Diane200. It shouldn't be an extra service as it's keeping people out of Hospital. One wouldn't pay under the NHS. Another issue to raise with 'them'.
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What don't you understand? There are care homes that don't have nurses - some don't even have basic first aid experience ::). Where Mum stays it's a care home, District Nurses and GPs attend weekly and as necessary.
District Nurses do end of life care.
Other types of care have both caring and full nursing care when necessary which means that the resident doesn't have to undergo the upheaval of moving from care to nursing home. I do worry about vulnerable people being cared for on the 1st or 2nd floors :-\ especially where lifts are concerned. What if there's a fire :-\ :'(.
Several that I looked round over the years offered both. Dad was quite happy where he was, the carers were advised by a Matron who had nursing staff .........there was also a garden for sunny days and they always had enough Staff to wheel residents into the fresh air.
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That's why many residents have to move from a care home when they eventually require nursing care which is a huge upheaval. Most people will require nursing care eventually so all Homes offering care should have nursing care available. It would save people having to move late in life.
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I feel so sorry for the folks in care homes at the moment. My Mum has her own little flat and garden, and I take her shopping round. she said she'd rather be dead than go into a home.
Jeepers xx
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;D. stellajane - that would be me then ;)
Jeepers - how is your Mum coping overall?
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Mine changed her mind. On her 91st birthday, she made the suggestion that she needed more care. I haven't got over it yet, still in shock. She's 93 now ;D
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I'm very glad mum and dad are in their own home at the moment, dad at 95 ( in 7 days time ) and mum at 92. Their cleaner is still coming, though she had to self isolate before. It sounds like they are her only clients. I would rather she didn't come, but they can't cope without help. They don't stay in the same room when she's there. They are surrounded by neighbours who keep an eye out for them, phone calls replacing visits., checking if they are ok and if they need anything. I know my dad would opt to go into a home if mum died, but I think mum would refuse to go. I'm phoning every night at the moment.
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Maybe the Cleaner is entitled to be tested now? Are they OK this week Ju Ju?
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Yes, they seem ok and are appreciating all the support of their neighbours. They are isolating, but not isolated.
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So now it is suggested that all care home staff should be vaccinated or they risk losing their jobs. A bit like shutting the stable door me feels!
The argument is that those care homes that insist on this, will have problems recruiting ........ go figure. Those that apply who haven't been vaccinated don't get an interview. End of. Same as those going into give personal care in private homes .......... surely no 1 in a caring industry would not be vaccinated? Whilst it's a personal choice - 4 which 2 WWs were fought, anyone not prepared to risk vaccination should look for a job in a different sector.
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I think this should definitely include those giving personal care in private houses. My disabled daughter in law has carers visit twice a day and not one of them have taken up the offer of vaccination. I think it's appalling that someone in a vulnerable situation, in which she has no choice on deciding who gives her personal care, should be put more at risk. Cases in her area are well above the average at 150 per 100k population.
Taz x
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That's appalling Taz. What do Social Services suggest? It's the hidden few again ...........
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It's a private care company. There is no law in place to force carers to accept the vaccination and you can't dismiss them for it either so the caring companies are a bit stuck. Hopefully things will change soon.
Taz x
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Is your daughter in law vaccinated Taz2??
I only ask because from what I understand the vaccine does not prevent you catching Covid, in just reduces the chances of serious illness. In that case, even if the carers are fully vaccinated, there is no guarantee they will not infect her.
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R they doing regular 'flow' tests 4 their own protection? Wearing full PPP - not the silly aprons that don't cover a fig but full uniforms with extra covering?
People continue to pass on viruses year round. This is so new that it was devastating so hopefully vaccination will pave the way to at least reduce the risks of anyone catching it badly.
How anyone can be in the 'care' industry unvaccinated I can't understand :-\
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Bump
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My Dad is 88 and he is noticebly getting more frail and unsteady on his feet. I may have to have that conversation with him about getting some help around the house, or maybe a walker. When he comes to visit (he still drives or now he prefers I pick him up), he can't navigate our front steps anymore, I have to bring him through the garage so that he only has one step up to get into the house.
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"What would you advise a friend Dad who is finding steps difficult?"
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I haven't read the statement about care fees - any1 been able to follow what the government thinks is 'sensible' :-\
How's Dad C.C.?
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I don’t understand all this new stuff about care home fees. All I know is that I recently totted up what my late Mum spent in 3 years and it was just over £141,000. It still upsets me to think about all that money just gone when Mum and Dad worked so hard and after 30+ years of renting their council house finally bought it and told us kids that they did this to make sure we all got a bit more than they were ever given.
It also staggers me that people like my Mum who self fund have to pay for example £4,000 a month for their care when social services just pay £3,000 a month for exactly the same care, room, food etc for people they fund. that is totally unfair.
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It is unfair. Which is why no home should have social care and self funding clients.
Mum doesn't get anything 'extra' from those on social security which is what 'they' seem to not understand!!! I have no problem with paying fees because it's for the whole building etc.; my bug bear is that the government's of the day have had no idea as to how social care works: out of sight, out of mind.
However: if 1 wants to give children 'something' then do it now. Don't wait! 'now' is when youngsters require the monies in many cases so hand it over. If there isn't going to be enough ones fees are settled, why should the children think that they have a 'right' to it, even if the parents have made that suggestion? Surely it's about keeping relatives in safe environment?
There is a cap on what each of us can give to living relatives annually, to avoid people taking themselves out of the ability to self fund. That's without realising the options available.
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I haven't read the statement about care fees - any1 been able to follow what the government thinks is 'sensible' :-\
How's Dad C.C.?
Dad is doing ok. :thankyou: Went over to see him on the weekend, asked if he wanted help with his groceries but insisted he was ok to do it himself.
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It is unfair. Which is why no home should have social care and self funding clients.
Mum doesn't get anything 'extra' from those on social security which is what 'they' seem to not understand!!! I have no problem with paying fees because it's for the whole building etc.; my bug bear is that the government's of the day have had no idea as to how social care works: out of sight, out of mind.
However: if 1 wants to give children 'something' then do it now. Don't wait! 'now' is when youngsters require the monies in many cases so hand it over. If there isn't going to be enough ones fees are settled, why should the children think that they have a 'right' to it, even if the parents have made that suggestion? Surely it's about keeping relatives in safe environment?
There is a cap on what each of us can give to living relatives annually, to avoid people taking themselves out of the ability to self fund. That's without realising the options available.
There was never anything to “give now”!! ::)
My parents just kept their heads above water, didn’t waste a penny, didn’t smoke or drink and never had a foreign holiday in their lives. My dad died first and when Mum died she was actually on Pension Credit as she had so little savings. They were proud that they finally bought their house as it was heavily discounted and always said that their parents were not able to help them out when they were young (like so many of that generation) but it pleased them that they could leave us something.
I certainly didn’t feel I had “a right” to whatever was left. I know my Mum was really well cared for in the second home she went to and they all loved her there. However, it would have been a different scenario if she had paid all that money out and she was not well looked after.
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We were lucky in that I never had to pay for holidays that Dad took us on. Mum would pack a case for each of us, he would drive ........ they would argue >:( - Dad found good B&B for us. My friends at the same time had to work Sat jobs to pay for any trips. Mum would pack a box of goodies when we left from a visit, i.e. C.mas/Easter.
Apparently her Mum baked a sponge and sent to where she was in TTraining College in 1946. Food was never wasted, left overs were common: bubble and squeak anyone? so making the most of everything has been handed down. I want the best for Mum as possible from her savings ..........
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Mum and Dad inherited some money a few years back. It cushioned their last few years together. I had no idea how generous my Dad was, eg buying a stairlift for friends in need. Makes me proud. Trouble was piecing together where the money was as his paperwork was all over the place.I think with age things fell apart. It was a jigsaw. But the money left gives us breathing space before selling her house. Dad always said I would inherit and my answer was that the money would be there if care was needed. And it is. Yes it would be nice to inherit something, particularly after the stress of dealing with Mum during the last year, but whatever happens will happen. At least I know she is being looked after even if she hates it.
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:foryou:
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Bounced .
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:ola: :bouncing: