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[CLKD]

Ask the Agency to remove your brother's details?  They should not have discussed your Mum's affairs without contacting you, maybe a chat about exactly 'how it is' ?

We had a stair gate so that my dog couldn't gobble the cats' food ……. she never had the sense to jump over it 

[CLKD]

That may seem 'logical' Pennyfarthing, however, maybe the woman didn't think 'it' through.  Once you have Power of Attorney you can ask for your brothers' details to be removed and add someone, maybe your Mum's GP or a close neighbour, to be added.

It was the same when Mum decided to have a 'care' alarm, she had to provide the name of someone close by who would 'dash' if necessary.  Then she gave details to the Care Company who supervise her bathing requirements and it snowballed until she didn't know who she had given the key number too  .  In reality the Care Company don't need to know the key pad number because if she ain't there, they don't need access !

[CLKD]

That is not the kind of care I would want for my relative but sadly it's lack of dignity in that they can't be bothered to find your Mum's specs..    Could your Mum's Optician provide her with a new pair?  They could be marked to make them easier to identify if someone else picks them up.  Do the Staff put the clients in their own clothing?

Let us know how she is.

[Pennyfarthing]

Just off to see my mum now. Last week she didn't recognise my OH for the first time ever and ordered him out of the room! However it turned out she had a bladder infection which I suspect was adding to her confusion so hopefully it will be better today. The nursing home have mislaid her specs for over a month now! They have neatly placed someone elses glasses on her side cupboard but don't seem to understand that this doesn't help! I can only imagine there's another woman walking around (or trying to) in mum's specs wondering why she can't see properly. Honestly I don't enjoy my visits there one jot. When we left last week we noticed there was a sparkling new Bentley on the drive with a personalised reg beginning CH (we suspect it belongs to the owner and that it may stand for care home LOL).

It must be very hard for you Stellajane.  I've heard the same from other people I know who have parents in care homes. It's just not good enough.

[CLKD]

Sometimes people can remember family members 'from a distance' but not when they appear 

One friend years ago had an uncle who had to go into Care, he no longer recognised anyone so she would go into the Home to sit and watch the interaction between residents and Staff.  He seemed quite settled with the carers, was eating well and kept clean.  Less pressure on the brain to think "I ought to know that person" but remain confused.

Is the urine infection under control Stellajane?

[CLKD]

Quality of Life is difficult to assess for someone else.  Maybe your Mum is 'content' in that she doesn't have to do anything, i.e. cook, clean ….. what we see as a lot of sleep as maybe being 'bored', is a way of passing time for others.  Older people sleep much more, my Mum [90] is complaining a lot about 'needing' an afternoon sleep  .

Does your Mum sleep in the night, sometimes their clocks get turned around 

[Pennyfarthing]

I spent the morning with Mum and took her her groceries. She has SO aged this last year and it's quite sad to witness.  She was lying down on the sofa when I got there with a headache. We got chatting and she sat up and perked up a bit. I put away her shopping, cleaned her shower head so it flows better, went and got her pension, put out her recycling stuff. Made us a coffee and we chatted some more. I showed her pics of dad's grave with geraniums still flowering which I took on the way to her house.

I took her some homemade sweet vegetable soup and heated some for her lunch with a roll and also a fresh sausage roll and some grapes which she loves.  Then she was ready for bed so I made sure she got upstairs safely, helped her undress and tucked her up for the afternoon.  It was like putting a sparrow to bed. She looked so frail. She kept saying "I never thought I would come to this. Remember when I used to fly around on my bike and was always busy?"  it's very hard to find a suitable reply.

[CLKD]

It is hard to form a reply but she probably doesn't want one: it's observation and recall.  If you can't think of a reply then nod in the 'right' places.  She may be mourning for the 'Mum' she was - is there a 'photo of her on her bike?  It is more likely to be harder for you to witness than for your Mum to work through …..

[babyjane]

Goodness PF what on earth did you do to upset them, they sound awful.  Surely they could forget their upset with you to concentrate on your poor mum, she is mum to all of you after all and their attitude to you can't be helpful to her peace of mind.  You have as much right to be there as they do I would think unless your mum doesn't want you there and it doesn't sound like that.

what is your gut feeling about the right thing to do for you and your mum?  She's the important one now, not their sensitivities.

[Scampi]

Is POA in place yet PF?  If so, it shouldn't really matter what 'they' tell the hospital - you have the legal rights and responsibilities. 

If not, can you ask the GP/nurse to liaise with the hospital to make sure that you are given as next of kin and first contact, given that they have notes on her records that you can discuss you Mum's medical issues, and know the problems with your brother? 

It's so hard, PF - I really feel for you.

[Pennyfarthing]

Is POA in place yet PF?  If so, it shouldn't really matter what 'they' tell the hospital - you have the legal rights and responsibilities. 

If not, can you ask the GP/nurse to liaise with the hospital to make sure that you are given as next of kin and first contact, given that they have notes on her records that you can discuss you Mum's medical issues, and know the problems with your brother? 

It's so hard, PF - I really feel for you.

POA not quite in place. Had letter to say it's all going through and I should receive it after 16 Dec. 

ITs a good idea what you say about liaison between GP surgery and hospital. Will look into that. Thanks for that and also for listening.

[babyjane]

We have a difficult daughter in law but not as bad as your SIL sounds, I am so very sorry.  But the woman is out of line surely and needs putting in her place.  what a shame your brother is not able to be effective, our son tends to be 'anything for a quiet life' too. If your nephew is 20 now could he not visit his grandmother on his own initiative?  Sorry, not really my place to comment on your family dynamics.

Your SIL is not immediate family, what was the care agency's response?

[CLKD]

It seems that your brother/sister in Law are pushing in maybe because they are thinking further ahead!!!  What did the Care Agency feel, they are stuck in the middle.  Until Power of Attorney is in place then there's not much you can do; you could of course have a word with the Solicitor who is drawing up the documents and ask if they can advise the Care Agency as well as your Mum's GP.  The Care Agency have to listen to others even though you have signed the Care Package, at least they are contacting you after these phone calls.  It could be that they took your SiL's messages without letting you know.

Is your Mum actually kept in Hospital?

Does it allow you to ask your brother/s not to do anything without consultation with you, even if your Mum is feeling poorly?

[Cazikins]

Oh PF I feel for you - if it was me I would get myself over to the hospital straight away, sod the SIL & brothers, you need to be there not only for your dear Mum but also for yourself - if you don't you might regret it.

All the arguments & resentments can be put to one side for now surely? 

I do speak from experience  .

Cazi x

[CLKD]

Has your Mum been seen by a Social Worker, or someone who can Advocate for her?  PF I think that AgeUK train Advocates, that would be a person a step away from the family dynamics that would speak up for your Mum.