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[T’oldlass]

So last year I was all over the place. I had a huge panic attack which landed me in A&E, blood tests, ECGs etc etc.  After that I started citalopram, changed to gel and urtrogestan. I brought forward 2 weeks leave to try to rest up a bit. Anyway, something happened at work shortly after that I was supposed to follow up and I totally forgot. It blew up a few months later. I tried dealing with it again, requested more information from somewhere else to allow me to try to sort it out and then promptly forgot about it again as something else cropped up. Now it’s blown up again, it’s going to cost a lot of money(10s of thousands) to sort out and I can’t stop thinking about it. My anxiety is through the roof and eating me alive. I daren’t go back to work. I’m currently on holiday and had to hand it over to a colleague to oversee until I’m back but I daren’t go back. But then again I can’t not. And now I feel worse that someone else has to deal with the legal stuff because I messed up. I can’t do anything about it for a couple of weeks but I can’t stop thinking about it. I wish my brain had been this bothered about it last year.  I have a very responsible public service job and really should be more on the ball. But I wasn’t.

I’ve mentioned the way I was feeling at the time, as I’m constantly trying to find a reason for me not doing what I was supposed to because I really wasn’t my best last year. I keep thinking, it’s not that bad, it’s only money, nobody died, I wasn’t well, we all make mistakes but then immediately panic sets in and I’m just going over it all again and again. I’ve never made an error on this scale before and it’s scared me.

I think I feel worse cos I’m not there - I’d honestly rather deal with it now than try to cope with the fallout when I’m back from holiday. I don’t know what the consequences for me will be either which is an equally dreadful feeling. Sorry for war and peace -  just needed to get it off my chest. I just can’t switch off

[Minusminnie]

As you are in the public sector is there anyone at your work that you can talk to about your anxiety ? I am not in the current world of work but my son tells me that places like universities take account of this sort of thing.

[T’oldlass]

Yes when I get back from leave.

[AngelaH]

I eventually came to the point that I had to admit my concentration was too low and my working ability wasn’t the same as before. After a some time of struggling to do my job I asked the company to move me to another position, where high concentration wasn’t required. That was the best decision for me, no worries about consequences if I missed something or forgot to do. Sometimes we need to be honest to ourselves, we are not the same anymore.

[ElkWarning]

No one should be in a job where there isn't sufficient oversight.  A cost implication of £10,000s should have had more than one pair of eyes on it.  You were ill and unsupported.  Totally not on you.  The clues here are that you used annual leave to recover from sickness and you're now on holiday being eaten alive by anxiety.  Your level of work related stress would appear to be through the roof.

If you're in a union, please talk to them.  If not, you really should be (especially in the public sector, but they won't take on anything that happened before you joined - I'm a union rep).  If you have household insurance, you could check to see if it covers employment matters, lots do.  Alongside this, most public sector organisations offer an employee assistance programme, i.e. someone you can call to chat things through (confidentially, providing it's not criminal) if it's all getting on top of you.

Finally, you might like to think about also seeing your GP about WRS.  It's perfectly acceptable for everything to go sideways sometimes and asking for help isn't dodging responsibility.  I could be wrong, but I really think you need to have a conversation with your doctor about how you're feeling and the impact it's having on you.