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[clair.l]

Hi guys I really don’t know what to do it’s tearing me apart. I have suspicion that my husband of 22 years been together 27 is with another women when he says he is at work started working late and sometimes over night stays which now he has said he isn’t doing cos I had a meltdown big style. I’ve tracked him on his phone and when he has said he is somewhere he is somewhere else. I love the bones of this man and we have 3 grown up children together we are just about to move house and we have booked Thailand for Xmas but something doesn’t feel right he says he loves me and he wants me and no one else but I’ve even tried looking at his phone and has Face ID on his what’s app so I can’t see the messages. He leaves his phone down here and can get on it but can see anything on the bits where I think he is hiding stuff. I’ve wrote him a letter telling him how I feel and what u know but havnt given it to him yet and really scared of being alone and losing the one good thing in my life well so I thought any advise on this guys please would be so grateful as it’s messing me up big time and don’t know what to do I cry all the time when I’m alone and have to put a brave face on things it’s so hard thanks clair xxxx

[CLKD]

WHOOOOOAH ......... hormones can cause huge upheavals.  Including suspicion.

MayB make an arrangement to go out together once a week on a different evening, you could meet him at his work place ;-).   If he stalls ......... I wouldn't put up with the work excuse! 

Moving house is the biggest stressor followed by going through divorce proceedings.  Think about why you need to move, whose idea was it?  R U moving far, does it mean the children have to change schools etc.?

Even if he is playing away, try to hold hard.  It may be infatuation, which could finish as soon as it started.  His phone may not give you any clues ........ if he feels that you are 'nagging' whether own not your hunch is correct, it will drive him into saying even less. 

What do you intend to do if he wants to move on rather than move house?  Make sure that you have your monies sorted .  Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to advise on that. 

[clair.l]

He runs his own business and we are moving to a new build house to free up equity on our house to clear some debts. And it was a joint decision my hormones are shocking at the moment and I think he is cos I have proof he was somewhere different to where he told me he was. I know it’s a big thing moving house but if things were to go pear shape he would never make me struggle the kids are all grown up now and two of them have left home so they are not the issue and never will be he is an amazing dad and always will xxxx

[Flossieteacake]

I can understand your concerns. I think going through menopause is so lonely. Speaking for myself, I feel so old and ugly. I feel it has aged me while my partner looks younger then ever. I am wondering if these kinds of feelings may be affecting the way you feel about your husband not being faithful.

You know your husband well. If you asked him if he was cheating, do you think he would give you an honest answer?

When you say he was not were he said he was, could he be somewhere else due to work or even something innocent like going for a walk, having some alone time?

[Pippa52]

Bless you I so feel for you.  My late Husband was playing away and I had no idea what was going on.  I think you clearly need to put your mind at rest as this is tearing you up understandably.  Would it be possible for you to sit down and talk to him and explain your concerns? Hormones can also pay havoc with thoughts and worries and magnify things but you need peace of mind to clear this up so you can move forward.  Hope so much things will resolve for you xxx

[getting_old]

Even with hormones I think we sometimes know instinctively that there's something not quite right, and if he's always had the same business but is now behaving very differently for the first time, then you may be right.
The best thing to do is to sit down and explain your reasons for being worried, but before you do have a think about what you would do if he has been with someone else. Would you want to try to fight for him or would you want to leave him? Have a clear idea about what you want so that you are in control.
I often say that a letter can be the best way to communicate your feelings without bringing a lot of emotion into things, but write a letter then leave it for a day or two and review it and change it before you give it to him.

[CLKD]

:clear some debts:  .  Was this a joint decision to move ........... there is a lot going on that would ring alarm bells.  Have you both discussed the debts with a Solicitor for example, is his Company Limited? 

I would be looking to see what monies would be available to me should push come to shove.  The last 3 years has been difficult across the boards of industry ........ 1 thing I would have is my money in my account, not a joint account. 

MayB counselling together or for yourself to clear the air with a professional not emotionally connected.  Relate have waiting lists , would you consider getting onto one? 

[jillydoll]

If you don’t speak to him, you’ll go outa your mind.
He may be innocent. And it’s all in your mind, menopause/hormones, does these things to us.
One small thing, turns into another, and before we know it, our brains are working overtime, causing us to be over emotional, and paranoid.
Anxiety works brilliantly in our minds, and sets off loads of thoughts out of nothing.
You really need to talk to him, you need some peace of mind.
xx

[ClaireB]

Oh my this rings so many bells, I was the same.
It’s the hormones playing tricks and causing you to doubt yourself, feel paranoid and untrusting of your husband. Please don’t go searching for clues or evidence as it will drive you crazy and also cause a massive wedge between the two of you when there maybe not cause to.
Be honest with him about how you’re feeling, your worries and what outcome you both want. I wish I had spoken honestly to my then husband about what I was going through and it may just have saved my marriage of 22 yrs.

I can’t stress enough how detrimental to your mental health searching for clues can be.
Also his mobile phone is a private thing, how would it make you feel if you found your husband looking through your phone. I know you have nothing to hide, but maybe neither does he.
I’m not saying this to be nasty, more speaking from experience as I have looked through my ex partners phones and it doesn’t end well, trust me!
I really hope you can sit down together and work through this as a united couple.
Good luck ❤️

[ElkWarning]

I disagree with the person above, been married over 30 years, my husband knows how to unlock my phone and I know how to unlock his.  We share our locations because that makes it easier for us to figure out stuff, e.g. where either of us is if we're beginning to think about cooking dinner.  We also both ride motorbikes and so sometimes we'll be bimbling about in the middle of nowhere and not picking up, the tracking means we can have a quick check ...

But it's not 100% accurate, sometimes it doesn't update properly and we'll look like we're miles away from where we actually are.

I mean, ask yourself this, why would your husband share his location with you if he's not going where he says he's going, UNLESS you're actually tracking him without his knowledge?  At the point you're doing that, you've already got serious trust issues in your marriage.  You say something doesn't feel right.  Can you talk to him about your feelings?  I mean what if he's trying to salvage the business?  What if he's depressed and taking himself off?  What if, in a desperate attempt to make some money on the side, he's actually working two jobs?

Logically, I'd say you're dealing with a breakdown in communication.  Sounds like you've both got a lot on your plates.  Also sounds like you want him to know how you feel (alone, confused, anxious, upset) <<< maybe start with that, rather than an accusation which will just get his back up.  Explain that you're feeling vulnerable, you love him, and you're really struggling.  Ask for his help.

EK

[Kat36]

I’m sorry you’re going through a rough time. I have noticed when my hormones are up and down it makes me a bit paranoid…in a teenage girl sort of way. No one loves me, everyone’s out to get me.  I know logically that’s not the truth but when I’m in it, the joined up thinking starts to take me down a path of irrational thought. One of the best things I was told in my loooong dating journey in my 20s&30s was that a man can only love a woman as much as she lives herself. I always revert back to this when I start falling into the above mindsight. 

On the other hand I do believe in women’s intuition and I’m sure after been together so long you know him well and can tell she something is off.  Do you think he’s struggling with what your going through? Could it be that he needs his space because, essentially, menopause is a problem a man cannot fix? Men do after all, disappear into their cave when they are faced with challenges.

[lillith112]

Having myself been cheated on more than once this would also have alarm bells ringing for me, especially the late nights and overnight stays.

Does he know that you can track his phone ? What is his job, is it the sort that he has to travel to different places ?

The place he has been without your knowledge, is it the same place or different each time ? Is it a house ?  My curiosity would get the better of me and I would have to go and have a look at this place for myself.

It could all be totally innocent and he could have a genuine reason. But on the other hand our intuition shouldn't be ignored.

You can either confront him and discuss your worries and ask him outright where he is going, or you can bide your time and see if it continues before discussing it, I think I'd do the latter. I really hope you get some answers and can put your mind to rest.

So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. I had only just had my first baby and my partner started working late and having nights away. Three months later he left me and moved in with her and got married 😞. My life was turned upside down.

[CLKD]

    

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[clair.l]

It was a joint decision to sell the house and clear the debts we have our own debts each and so the money will clear them off and we can start afresh in just so confused at the moment I’ve wrote him a letter and I so want to give it to him but last night for example he was so snappy and then this morning we both have work but he was as nice as pie we are suppose to be going away in august for a long weekend in a cottage then we will be moving in October and even got new furniture and when he got it in his name I said about what if we spilt up and instead of saying we won’t cos I love you he just said the carpets won’t fit anywhere else that’s not the answer I was expecting. And then we are suppose to be going to Thailand for Xmas we are still intermate in the bedroom and he doesn’t do anything that’s different but it’s just the lies and as for checking his phone we don’t normally but when you feel something isn’t right but why would you block what’s app mine isn’t blocked he can see mine and everything else I don’t care but he is so secretive and because he does computers he knows what he is doing and how to hide things he also told me the night in Manchester working he sent the invoice so I checked his invoices I have access to these and there was none for that company or day I don’t understand why he needs to lie to me I have never lied to him about anything and then this morning I told him I loved him and he said it back like he had to but didn’t want to xxxx

[CLKD]

I don't think that a Solicitor would advise for a property to be in a single name.  I think you need to hold hard and speak to that Solicitor.  I wonder if a mortgage company these days would agree to a single named Deeds ?  Were you present or had access to all correspondence regarding this move?

You are not responsible for each other's debts.  Hopefully you have had independent advice - that is from each other as well as from a qualified Financial Advisor to make a plan to settle those debts.

Would making a list of your worries help?  Putting it down on paper: positives on one side, negatives on the other to see what tallies.