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[Kat36]

As hard as it might be Clair to get an answer about what might be going on, just guessing (in my experience) is just torturing yourself and starts to affect your mental health.  You deserve better than that and you deserve to be sincerely reassures if nothing is going on.
Do you have a good support network?

[clair.l]

The house is sold and the new build will be ready in October and it’s all done in both names not just his I ain’t that crazy lol but I am worried our debts are not the issue the issue is I’m a very insecure person and can get very paranoid always have been and he knows that and with my menopause and everything else going on at the minute I’m finding it hard to trust him when he lies about where he is and where he isn’t. He is very secretive and has locked his what’s app and his pc so I can’t get in them I want to trust him I really do but I find it hard I love the bones of him and he is a great man and a great dad but it’s hard when you have loved and lost what I have you think you will love someone and then they will leave you xxxx

[Molly]

My heart goes out to you. x

I would just say please hand over your phone, and open your computer, as Im sorry but at the minute I'm just feel something isn't right. Id say im sorry if im wrong but I have to put the suspicion to rest.  If I was asked to hand over my phone, computer and I was innocent, I wouldn't mind and if it helped put my partners mind at ease. Basically If hes got nothing to hide, it shldnt be an issue.

See what he says.

[clair.l]

He was in the shower the other day and I heard him on the phone confronted him about it while he was still in the shower he denied it so I said let me check your phone then he turned and told me to get out. Since then I’ve been so much worse he tells me we are ok and he loves me and it’s me he wants to be with but doesn’t feel like that when he can’t even answer a text but if it’s any one else he answers it straight away I really don’t know what to do anymore I’m so lost and alone I have friends to talk to but it doesn’t stop me wanting to fall apart which I know is going to happen I hate feeling this way and hate doubting him but reasons give me that doubt xxxx

[Pippa52]

He was in the shower the other day and I heard him on the phone confronted him about it while he was still in the shower he denied it so I said let me check your phone then he turned and told me to get out. Since then I’ve been so much worse he tells me we are ok and he loves me and it’s me he wants to be with but doesn’t feel like that when he can’t even answer a text but if it’s any one else he answers it straight away I really don’t know what to do anymore I’m so lost and alone I have friends to talk to but it doesn’t stop me wanting to fall apart which I know is going to happen I hate feeling this way and hate doubting him but reasons give me that doubt xxxx

Having got the t shirt with having a cheating ex myself you most definitely need to confront him.  What you are saying is deeply suspicious re the  things he is doing.  Why would he not want you looking at his phone if he has nothing to hide even if it is just to reassure you.   Yes phones are private BUT in a case like this if he had nothing to hide he would surely have let you see?  You need clarity one way or another.  Sending love and empathy xx

[Taz2]

If he was really devious of course he'd just have another phone. Could it be financial stuff you don't know about? Gambling for instance. Lots of addicts do that through their phones. I'd take the pressure off for a while but don't risk having sex with him without protection if you are so sure there is someone else. I'd never let my partner look through my phone or computer I'm afraid and if he demanded it I'd be very upset over the lack of trust but each couple is different

Maybe you'd like to start a new thread in the private lives section where only members can read it and not the whole internet? More members might feel able
to share their experiences then.

Taz x 

[Kate57]

Looking for information that directly affects your life, health and safety, information that you would have in a healthy relationship appears to have been unjustly withheld. Why?
Privacy and secrecy are different. Privacy is what you get in the bathroom when you are legitimately using it. Secrecy is when you sneak in there to text the latest work whore.
Ask me how I know.

Protect yourself.

[CLKD]

Good points Taz.  Gambling had crossed my mind.  Also, he may be seeking solace from others because he can't tell you.  When severely depressed I had friends outside of the marriage to talk to ......... in between counselling sessions.  Saying things that I would never tell DH.  I was afraid enough for the both of us 

How much have you shared over the years ?  Is this apparent 'closing up' in recent months? 

My husband knows that should he have ever opened mail addressed to me that would have been it.  Above even playing away.  Not that I've had anything to hide, but as I pointed out: there are certain times of the year when C.mas and birthday ideas fly back and forth!

when he got it in his name I said about what if we spilt up. sorry I thought this meant the house rather than furniture.

You probably feel that you want 'it' solved ASAP which is why I suggest seeking a professional outlet - if you are in the UK then RELATE can help and MIND Charity are good at supporting people. 

[clair.l]

Thanks everyone I had a melt down last night and told him everything how I’m feeling why I’m feeling it and what he has done ie the lies and keeping things from me he got angry as in speaking but not bad angry he isn’t like that and never would be. He says he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants anymore as he has so much going round in his head but so do I don’t know what to do anymore I have told him I don’t want to lose him but I think I have and I’ve told him that I want us to be the way we were and then this morning he was a little off with me and then we talked about the flights to go Thailand for Xmas and then he said we will be ok so I’m so confused and don’t know anything anymore what I do know whatever happens I will always love him and it will break my heart to lose him xxxxx

[jillydoll]

Hi.

Sounds like he’s in a bit of a mess too.
Maybe the house move, the debts, the business, EVERYTHING is getting him down. Understandable.
You both need a break. Away from everything. Let’s face it, life’s tough most of the time anyway, and then throw in the house move, and everything else, and BAM, tips everything over the edge. 🤷🏼‍♀️
You’ve got a lot off your chest, do you feel any better for that?
I’m sure you’ll both be ok, it’s just a very tough time at the moment, and with your hormones too, 😱 doesn’t make things any easier.
Stick with it, keep going, he’s just lost at the minute, maybe now you’ve had a talk, it could be a turning point. 🤞🏼Well done for that btw. 👍
xx

[CLKD]

He needs to go to counselling.  Fast.  B4 he disintigrates further.

U will never be the way you were!  Debts can drag anyone down and if you both have money worries, what support have you had?  Was the advice from the same person/Company?  Were you advised to down size your house?

If you had advice thus far, I would make another appt for your both to go over what's what.  Get it laid out again. 

[sheila99]

Can you encourage him to open up to you? He may feel he's let you down and the secrecy may be trying to protect you, perhaps there are more debts you don't know about or the business is failing. My OH thinks he has to be 'strong for me' whereas I think we're in it together and whatever the issue is we need to face it together and support each other. Getting away from it all seems like a good idea, he needs to remember why he fell in love with you.

[CLKD]

Men react to crisis situations differently to how women do: a few moments ago, on BBC, Laura Kenny was explaining how her husband Jason wouldn't discuss their mis-carriage in case he upset her  .  Needing to be protective for no real reason.

Which is why counselling would help ....... someone to keep the environment calm.

[ElkWarning]

Oh dear :/

I agree with Taz, if he's not a stupid guy, then you wouldn't even know ... Unfortunately, sounds like a money issue to me.

[clair.l]

So tonight I’m even worse cos my husband decided to send me a message and tell me after promising no more working away that he needs time and he is doing a job in Newcastle til Sunday I’m really falling to pieces cos not 2 hours before he was saying that he loves me and we can even renew our vows in Thailand but he was sending me a message cos he couldn’t tell me to my face cos he don’t like to see me upset I don’t how longer I can cope he said we will talk on Sunday knowing we have people here for dinner xx