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[MichiHope]

Hi all,

I am so so so confused as what to do with the HRT.  Started another thread before Christmas about my bad mental health.   Since then have been back to gynaecologist a few times.  He wanted me to try increase to 6 squirts of Oestrogen gel which sent me into an emotional crying mess with increased anxiety etc.. Since then I have tried without the Utrogestan and 4 squirts of Oestrogel.  Maybe I was not quite as suicidally depressed without Utrogestan but still bad.  Also started to experience a lot of breakthrough bleeds which wiped me out and feel more like a lethargic tired zombie than a human being.   The latest physical event was getting really sore and heavy boobs again which I thought I had left well behind me and I cannot stand to be honest.  Even my most comfortable and loose bra felt tight and I really don't need an increase in breast size!  In addition palpitation and a feeling of having internal shakes and not at all feeling rested on waking up.  Quality of sleep not great either.

At my last appointment with gynae he suggested to stick with 4 squirts of oestrogel, change to 5mg daily provera (progesteron) with a small amount of testosterone gel every second day. 

I know its all about patience and giving things a chance but I just keep on feeling  physically incapacitated, depressed, anxious and fatigued and a physical and mental wreck.

Maybe I should add that I never got on with any birth control pills in the past but now at 55 I have had enough feeling this bad.  So much so that I don't want to carry on with my life.   

I know that the tibolone I was on previously for about 5 years hasn't helped with the depression etc.  But I can never remember so many bad mental and physical symptoms.   Tbh I have started to feel like an alien as most of what I read on the menopause forum and books is that HRT can be so transformative.   I just feel worse rather than better and having endured the worst depression in my last for the last decade I am running out of hope and everything really.  I don't want to be negative and believe me I have always tried so hard to be proactive and hopeful concerning some light at the end of the tunnel.   I just feel this light is fading more and more and don't know how much longer I can hang on.   I don't feel myself at all anymore, cannot even properly connect or feel close to the people I am supposed to love.   I used to in the past, I used to be a very passionate loving person.  Where is she gone? 

Maybe HRT is just not for me but what other options do I have? The only bad symptom I can recall HRT to sort out were hot flushes.  Part of me just wants to get back on the tibolone as at least I can forget about the HRT for a bit and get on with helping move forward re depression, exercise, meditation etc and also not research myself "to death" which can be time consuming and exhausting.  Although very grateful for this forum and I feel I have learned some more I didn't know before.  However the confusion concerning HRT continues.

At the moment I don't want to do anything. No energy or interest to do anything.  Just having to force myself to do the smallest task.  What is the point.  I cannot feel joy anymore.  Just exist like a robot in a black and white world and it's gone on for too long.  I had enough.  Sorry ladies,  I don't want to burden you with my grief.   

Although the gynaecologist is a nice guy,  shouldn't he be wondering by now why after 3 months taking HRT I am still (if not worse) living in the darkest of human existence.   I really don't wish this on anyone.  It isn't living anymore, just surviving somehow.   

Anyway,  any thoughts will be gratefully received.   

[CLKD]

HORMONES!

How were your moods during your menstruating years?  Do you keep a mood/food/symptom diary? 

I would suggest that you treat the depression.  Which may be a while to sort out which medication might suit.  Once you feel better mentally you can make decisions with a clearer mind.  I will probably get shot down as many believe that HRT can sort depression etc. 

[Ladybt28]

So sorry to hear that you are feeling so desperate and at the end of your tether.  To be honest I cannot really help except to say that it took 7 months for me to get on an even keel.  Me....I was nearly psychotic before I got onto it.  I too was like you with the depression (and I got sore boobs and cramps in the first 2 months of the utrogestan, by the way I don't take it continuously because I can't do continuous progesterone). I was given gel and utrogestan instead but to be honest out of all the hrt's I tried (6 of them) it was the only one that worked but I have to take it on a cycle and I am 58 so have to bleed.  Unfortunately as you will read here on the forum there are some of us who HRT is not as transformative as some would have you believe and if it is it takes a long time to get it right and to have it working right.

Don't worry you are definitely not alone or unusual in the way you are feeling.  It tends to be the progesterone part which causes the most trouble which is why you might have got on better with the tibolone because it is another drug rather than a progestin.  One of the other ladies would be better explaining that but some who have trouble with progesterones fullstop get given tibolone because it isn't a progesterone as such.  (Science ladies...please help?!)

The reason you are getting breakthrough bleeding is because there is imbalance between the gel and the utrogestan.  I take it you have only just switched from Utro to Provera and just started the testosterone? (I cant take provera either, Utro is the only one).  You might get on with the Provera and the testosterone take a while to settle at least 3/5 months from starting.
You could be feeling this rough if you have just changed since your last gynae appointment.  When was that by the way?

I was a complete wreck between the ages of 49 to 56, trying all sorts, and it would be easier to list which meno symptoms I didn't have than the ones I did have but I am ok now and have been for nearly a year so I would say there is hope, if you find the right thing...it's being able to find the right thing...which is easier said than done xx

[Baby]

MichiHope. You are feeling just the same as me. Your life is mine. It makes you feel so I'll all the time. I have been on everol conti for nearly three months with no effect. Also borderline hypothyroidism. Have an appointment Wednesday with doc to try something new. X

[MichiHope]

Ahh ladies,  thanks so much for the fast replies and your very kind and compassionate words.  Helps me to not feel so alone in  getting through this maze of menopause, mental health and HRT etc..

I just wanted to send some grateful greetings for now.   

Try and write some more when I get a chance.  Just getting in the bath and then back to bed.  Hardly left bed today.   Hope I manage to get up tomorrow and get a few things done.  Its so not me this shuffling from bed to sofa.  Unfortunately most of the smilies look like they are on speed and very energetic.   Certainly could do with a bit of that energy and motivation again!  xx.

[Bring me Sunshine]

I just want to add my voice to say I totally understand and hear what you are going through.  You could be writing about me.  I am only a month into this blip although it drags on and on despite me having a glimpse of me last Friday(I posted on 24/1/2020 my whole sorry life story under " i cant get any relief etc etc.)  I too was told by a physchiatrist I was treatment resistant back in 2017.  I did get a breakthrough with all this hell with the combination of oestrogel and the mirena coil.  I am on my 3rd coil and was lucky to have tolerated it.   4 pumps of the gel did eventually work for me enabling me to reduce to 3 a year or so ago in my hazy happiness and disillusioned state that I had "cracked" this crazy menopause.

I am searching all the time for answers to deperately get well and stay well going round and round in circles.   if I could I would hide in a cupboard shut out the world till I am "cured".  But I still despite being almost 54 have teenagers to get to school, which is probaly a good thing as I would happily stay in bed all day and avoid the world.  The menopause robbed me of a good job, quite well paid but that too has its advantages as I dont have to ring in sick and have all that palava.  Good and bad.  I wake each morning and think "please let me feel normal" and there is that like kick in the stomach feeling and I think oh Jesus here we go again.  The doctor rang tonight about something unrelated to the menopause an ear problem I had back in December, forgotten all about that now.  I told her(she isnt my dr they are all new at the surgery I havent even met my new one) that I had increased my gel to 5 pumps she wasnt happy and said no 4 is enough when is your meno clinic I said May oh she said I will try and write to them again.  I dont hold out for an earlier appt.  I cant afford to go private but I do get lots of good information from here from the ladies who do and post.

So on and on it goes and I so wish I wasnt like this zombie, alien, shadow of myself how you describe yourself, I want me back again so badly and i am so impatient probably too much as I can see this has been ongoing for you for quite a while.  Back in 2017 I was ill nearly the whole year.

The only thing I can say is there are success stories on here and I was one of them so there is a way out of this its just hard to see when you are slap back in the middle of it.

The gps are prettty hopeless, the menopause clinic gave an appt thats months away and wont even talk to you in the meantime.  All you feel you need is someone to say you will get better.  Over the years of depression and taking anti depressants I always had the confidnece that I would come out of it and I did.  Because the anti depressants didnt touch this as the gp and me didnt put the connection that it was menopausal I have lost confidence in them.  I put myself up to 5 pumps of gel last night.  I had a dry mouth in the night, woke at 2am even earlier than the normal 3am/4 am so I dont know [erhaps I like you should stick to 4 and wait it out but my goodness it is hard bloody going.

So you are so not alone and you are so not unusual to be feeling how you are and describing yourself in that way as I too am a fellow alien.  Anything I find out that gets me out of this I will share as all the ladies on here do.  I am not giving up and you musnt.

Keep on keeping on and we will get there!!!
xxx

[MichiHope]

  Will reply soon bring me sunshine 🌞...

A friend in Scotland going through a mental health crises at the moment and so been doing lots of writing today and tbh I feel exhausted - which doesn't take much at the moment.  🥴.  Sending love 💐🙋

[Sammas]

I just wanted to send you a hug! This menopause journey is so up and down.  I have felt very low and that I'm losing the plot.  Be kind to yourself which I know is hard.  Lots of love S x

[Bring me Sunshine]

MichiHope

You dont need to reply take that pressure off right now.  I just wanted to let you know that all you were saying and describing about yourself was exactly how I am feeling and probably the majority of the ladies on this forum.  That then means that you are normal feeling like that.  The isolation and withdrawing from people and the world is normal too and probably only the ladies on the forum will understand that too.  You are definitely not alone on here.

It wont stay like this forever how cruel would that be, though it is hard to see a way out when you are suffering I totally am there with you, but it just will get better because it will.

Look after you and your friend and dip back in when you can.  If I find the answers by then I will shout from the roof tops!!

I increased my gel from 4 to 5 pumps not at the request of the dr because im desperate.  Blimey I can probably see why most people just go up to 4 i woke at 1 am then 4 am and had a cracking headache, couldnt get out of bed till late and felt jittery all day.  I will stick with the 4 and wait it out till the meno appt in May!! Hopefully may get a cancellation ha ha!  I think they are more in demand then ever thats why there should be a specialist in every doctors surgery........one day!

It will pass!!!