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[CLKD]

Eventually!

You have a lot going on and you are surmising.  Why not sit down and talk to your partner who may be feeling as confused as you are.  DO NOT assume anything - it can be dangerous anyway.  DH told me years ago that he isn't a Mind Reader!

I used to wake deeply afraid ....... medication has eased that over the years as does eating properly  but it's hard sometimes to determine hunger from illness  .  I try to eat B4 my body needs energy input.

Have that TALK!

[Focus]

Yup, I've been chatting with my partner. He jokes that he now knows more about menopause than any other band he knows.

I started talking to him in October, when I was getting the heavy, heavy flow, big clots and first took the Tranexamic Acid.

[AgathaC]

Hello Focus. Your reference to your partner and last October reminded me that we corresponded then about how long this would go on for and about your plans. I recall you had recently got engaged and were getting married “next” year. That must be this year - yes? Did you go for the sleek 1930's dress you had in mind then? Here's hoping you might be able to re-focus on the nice things coming your way, rather than this shit show of a menopause. It can be all consuming. Wishing you well, Focus xx

[Ladybt28]

All this peri stuff sends our minds into a spin Focus...I think you will find that its not just one thing we are anxious about its everything however irrational.  I am the most rational person you could imagine but I literally lost my marbles for about 2 years.  I couldn't leave the house nor did I want any of my loved ones to leave  it either in case "something" happened to them!!!!  I had all sorts of irrational thoughts that wouldn't have been "like me" in the slightest.  All my problems really kicked in at 50.  I was afraid of everything...my own shadow and I do mean everything!!

I thought I would make mistakes at work and lose my business, my husband would leave me, my children would die, we would be bankrupt, you name it I thought it.....   We lose our sense of identity, we lose our confidence, we question everything...there are loads of ladies here who know how this feels so you are no alone.  I wish I could say when the nightmare will end for you...its different for everybody.  Mine was when I got on the right hrt and it wasn't quick 3 years to get it right...and it doesn't work for everyone.  Although your pill may be working for the periods maybe its not the right balance of the hormones for all the peri symptoms which seem to be ramping up combined with your ptsd???

[Focus]

Thank you ladies. It's such a huge comfort knowing that you get it.

I feel very alone at the moment. None of my friends are going through this, and none have even been divorced.

One of my closest friends (the one who told me she doesn't want to know about perimenopause) said, when I told her I was engaged, the very first thing she said to me was 'you'll have been married twice and I haven't even been married once'.

I didn't say anything as a reply. But I did want to say to her that I am 10 years older than her and when she was just leaving school I was planning my first wedding at 28.

She did apologise a few days afterwards.

She does genuinely forget that I'm a good bit older than her. Most people don't realise. I really look like I'm in my mid 30s, and I do get patronised occasionally by people who I know are my own age. It came up quite naturally in conversation the other day she we were working together, and she asked how old I was (she knows how old I am) and I said 49 and she was shocked.

Anyway, I've got my mum's amazing genes to thank for a lot of it, and my super healthy lifestyle.

But yeah, your comments also made me laugh. Seriously, the stuff that has gone though my head in the past 24 hours: I'd end up homeless, my fiancé would turn out to prefer men, I'd end up hugely overweight.

I mean, they're obviously some sort of super deep seated worries on my part (we were homeless for a year when I was 10 years old, I was never the 'woman' enough for my xh who had affairs with much, much younger women, one of whom he has had two children with, and I'm terrified of putting on weight).

I sound like such a gas, don't I? Everyone would just love to have  a super highly strung pal that can't cope with normal life, wouldn't they?

I'm going to the gym again tonight. Another 45 minute run. Hopefully this horrible feeling will bottom out at some point.

[Focus]

Hello Focus. Your reference to your partner and last October reminded me that we corresponded then about how long this would go on for and about your plans. I recall you had recently got engaged and were getting married “next” year. That must be this year - yes? Did you go for the sleek 1930's dress you had in mind then? Here's hoping you might be able to re-focus on the nice things coming your way, rather than this shit show of a menopause. It can be all consuming. Wishing you well, Focus xx

I have a dress hanging up.

We were thinking 2020.

My darling finance said he would be happy to wait, if I wanted to wait until the worst of this blew over. But who know what the heck is going to happen on this nightmare menopause ride. I might feel worse? It's a long way down to rock bottom, I know that from dealing with PTSD (I spent the first two weeks of it curled up in the middle of my bed unable to speak and throwing up constantly).

God, what a total catch I am.

[CLKD]

Yep and he loves you just the same 

Focus more on what he tells you perhaps?  Believe!!

[paisley]

Focus
Sorry you are feeling like this. But as lots of women have said you are certainly not alone & I know it really sucks to wonder who you are anymore.
I do know exercise helps but do you do anything for stress relief like meditation or yoga? Also when I had Post Natal Depression I found counselling really helped me. Xx

[Focus]

God, I tried to talk to my friend about the anxiety and said I was relieved to find out that it was actually a part of perimenopause and that I wasn't going insane.

Her reply? She thinks I should stop reading about it.

I said reading about it and finding out stuff actually helped. Like when I had the flooding and clotting. I was terrified before I knew what was going on. And I only found out because the doctor I saw at the out of hours prescribed the Norethisterone to stop the bleeding and mentioned perimenopause.

I said I thought a big part of the problem was that nobody had ever said anything to me about any of this and people don't talk about it either. So you're basically thrown in at the deep end.

I feel really angry now.

I'm going to the gym.

[Focus]

I was gonna have a stretch session at the gym,but with the amount of adrenaline I had coursing round my body I just leathered it on the treadmill again.

Past three days I've gone for length of run (45 minutes) but today I just went for sweat. 25 minutes of hard work and dripping sweat.

Honestly, I've never ever been in such good shape as I am now. Shame that mentally I'm a total mess.

[Focus]

Lol...watching Menopause Taylor on 'What Happens Socially at Menopause'. I flipping love how direct she is. I feel like that's helping save my sanity today (along with the gym).

[Focus]

So guys, I'm now on the up side of the emotional rollercoaster.

And I had a pretty cool feeling last night.

In spite of some pretty tough times in my life, I've always known there is a core of unbreakable steeliness deep inside me. People have said that I'm one of the strongest people they've met, that I'm incredibly resilient...

But I've been 99% a people pleaser. Even to my own detriment to a massive degree, and resulting in stuff that's taken me a lifetime to deal with.

Well last night I had a feeling of not giving an absolute monkey's about other people's opinions of me any more and any of their thoughts about how I should behave and what I should do.

I had the most amazing feeling of freedom, of being free in myself and of being perfectly content in myself. I feel really happy just doing my own thing and being in my own company. I felt self contained.

Not that I wasn't feeling that a little before, but this feeling seemed to be very all pervasive, I could almost feel it in every single cell in my body.

One thing I'm really understanding now is that none of this is a linear process. And it's not smooth. It's like a really bumpy ride with your foot on the accelerator pedal.

Anyway, that's where I am today. I hope you ladies are good and managing to take care of yourselves.

[CLKD]

That 'friend' would be off my C.mas card list 

[Focus]

Thanks CLKD.

It just seems really strange to me, not to find out what's going on with your body. Would you give that advice to a teenage girl who is about to start/has just started her periods? Would you say that to a pregnant woman?

And it's what the last doctor I saw suggested: finding stuff out and coming on this forum to connect with other women.

I feel really ambivalent towards our friendship at the moment.

Things seemed fine when xh had just left and I was starting to find my feet. She was the one who suggested I started dating and introduced me to online dating. She also altered my online profile at one point (lowering the age range of men...I had been thinking of men my own age or maybe 5 or so years older. She lowered it to men 10 years younger than me. And trust me, there's a heck of a difference between a guy who is 36 and one who is 46). 

Although she also ended up not approving of who I was going out on dates with. But, you know, I had my lessons to learn obviously. And I learnt them - very fast.

There's probably an element of co-dependency going on (on both sides). Her mother has some serious mental health issues form what I understand and she was in a relationship for 6 years with a serial cheater. My father has an antisocial personality disorder and I was married to an alcoholic for 15 years who cheated a fair bit in the 6 years of our marriage. So, possibly some issues on both our sides to do with helping people in need, being the one to sort everything out and being in the one that's in control.

It's a bit tricky, as she has been a very close friend and we do a lot of (really fantastic) work together. But I think I've found a way round the work situation for my next couple of projects...

So at the end of all of this, I'm not going to 'do' anything here. I'm not going to initiate contact, apologise, suggest meeting up for coffee, anything like that. I have plenty to keep me busy over the next few months, with work and plenty to plan for next year as well.

[CLKD]

Look after you.  To survive one has to be selfish; think of a baby that cries as it's being born - feed me and feed me now