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[ElkWarning]

I started HRT in July 2018, initially 25mg Estradot, already had a Mirena coil.  I noticed an immediate improvement.  Went back after a month, dose increased to 50mg.  Went back in October and there was a question mark about my blood pressure, which had increased significantly, from 135 / can't remember at first GP appointment to 155 / can't really remember that either - sorry the upset has scrambled my brain.  I was asked to keep a week long chart of BP, testing 5 x per day.  I did this, and also stopped the HRT as I'd read this could contribute to an increase in BP.  Went back to the GP with chart in hand, which also showed 155 / can't remember, and was told to restart the HRT and go to my union at work about stress / conditions and also ask for an immediate referral to occupational health.  I was put on a repeat prescription, a replacement Mirena was arranged (because my other one was 'out of date') under general anaesthetic (due to panic disorder).  Nothing about my BP.  I have a preoperative assessment for the procedure in November, they say nothing about my BP, so I assume all is fine, and I don't go to the union or request a referral to occupational health, as also things have changed slightly at work and I'm under less stress.

I have an annual health check in April this year and my BP is really worrying, 170 / 103.  I ask my line manager at work for a referral to occupational health, still believing that somehow this is connected to workplace stress.  I see the occupational health nurse last week and she's more interested in how my BP started to rise at the point I went on to HRT.  She doesn't tell me what reading she's getting, however, says that if in an hour I can't contact my GP, I'm to go to A&E.  This is really scary at this point, especially as a lot of my panic disorder is connected to health anxiety (long story about my adult son being born with a life threatening condition and having a cumulative total of years in various intensive care units with him).

I do manage to get in touch with the GP, see a practice nurse, she takes my BP and tells me I have to stop HRT immediately and start taking medication for my BP.  I'm also to monitor at home.  I said to her that I had done this before, way back in October, when my BP first showed an increase, but was told by a different nurse to carry on with the HRT.  She flicks through my notes on the computer and I can tell she's a bit non-plussed.  She asks about what follow up I had in October about my BP and I tell her nothing, no follow up.  I decide at that appointment (Wednesday just gone) that I would prefer to wait and see if coming off the HRT lowers my blood pressure rather than start a course of treatment that will be a lifetime commitment.  She's not totally convinced, but says I'm to go back in two weeks, with a full BP monitor record for morning and evening.  The next day (so this Thursday) I do my morning reading, 125 / 85, and then my evening reading 198 / 114.  Obviously, the latter one is pretty awful.  I go back to her on the Friday (yesterday) and start the BP medication immediately (2.5mg Rispirol).  This morning I take my BP and it's roughly the same as it was on Thursday and Friday, i.e. before I started the BP medication.  I frantically look up how long it is before Rispirol takes effect and it says a couple of hours.  I then look up what this BP reading means and it says severe hypertension.  I also look up how long it takes for Oestrogen to leave the body. 

I can just sort of feel myself spiralling, that panic disorder thing.  I don't know for sure whether my raised BP is connected to the HRT, but it sure looks like it is.  I feel really angry about October's visit to the GP, because nothing was done, and a situation that should have been monitored wasn't.  Instead, I was back on the HRT and ended up going through a procedure under GA that it seems I didn't need to have.  Part of my panic revolves around getting locked on to things.  Worse of all, my BP is obviously through the roof at this point and I'm panicking that the medication won't work, that it will just keep climbing, and I'll end up having a heart attack or stroke.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this out here.  Has anyone had a similar experience?  How do people cope with the unexpected and threatening?  I should also maybe mention that I don't take any other daily medication.  I have diazepam for panic.  I can't take beta blockers because I'm an asthmatic (technically, don't generally have issues with it unless I get a bad cold or try and run three miles).  I'm generally fit and healthy, cycle, walk, have a Fitbit that tells me I do more than enough exercise, eat well (mostly home cooked, largely plant based), slightly overweight (5ft 4" and nearly 12 stone).  Basically, I feel very confused, because I feel very scared.

Sorry for the wall of text.

[CLKD]

........ and breath.

You could go to a Pharmacist for advice - they have private rooms these days.

Continue with the BP monitoring.  White coat syndrome is very common which is why DH has a home monitor.  The trick is to take BP at the same time every day - he takes his B4 breakfast between 8.30 and 9.00 a.m.  Jots down the readings.

You are in general, fit!  BP can rise without warning which is why it requires monitoring.  Do consider going to a Pharmacist and have you an appt with the Practice nurse next week?

[ElkWarning]

Hiya

Phew, sorry, I think I just had to get it out this morning.  Felt so wretched and weird.  I haven't tried magnesium, or even heard of that, but I've just started on Meno support vits and minerals and that has magnesium in it.  Will also shove some more kale into my breakfast smoothies.  And yes, I'm horribly stressed.  I think I'm going to have to consider some changes, rather than continue to approach every day as if it is a race to the end ... to be the most effective, most doing, most everything person.

It hadn't occurred to me to go to a pharmacist ... I guess I'd put it down to white coat syndrome, which is why I was 'looking forward' to taking my BP at home.  I think I was panicking madly because instead of the expected result, i.e. lower, it's actually gone up!  Rational me can see that's because I'm obsessing, but OCD is part of my panic disorder and so I feel like I'm stuck in a closed loop.

I didn't know BP can rise without warning, I suppose that also means it can fall in the same way.  I suppose what I have now is knowledge, whereas before I didn't, and this is a good thing.

Appointment with nurse is on Tuesday 28th May.  Before then I have to go and have blood works, which I'll do next week.

Thank you for the understanding, ladies, really do appreciate it, just got a bit rabbitty in the headlights this morning, and I should imagine not having the HRT any more isn't going to do me the power of good either.

Best wishes

[CLKD]

...... and breath ;-)

Health anxiety is common during The Change.

MayB keep a mood/food/symptom diary for 3-4 months to see if there is a pattern?  I find that making a list of chores each evening gives me something to tick off each day so I can see exactly what I have achieved.  Also shopping lists ...... never back myself into a corner with regards grocery shopping ......

[Ladybt28]

So Elkwarning - one thing at a time....
Any blood pressure reading of 130/80 is considered to be borderline moving into high blood pressure.  My own gave me blood pressure medication at that reading. I have tried to stop it.  Doesn't go crazy high but GP gets uncomfortable when it goes over 130 on the bottom rate.  A reading of 125/85 is fine on the risipril.
Blood pressure fluctuates throughout the day, with exercise and so it going up high may have been cos you ran up the stairs or answered a telephone etc etc.  The more you worry the higher it goes!
HRT can contribute to high blood pressure a bit but what is more likely to do it is the panic attacks and anxiety associated with meno plus one of the meno symptoms is cortisol surges (usually in the morning) and the hot flushes.  All those things are not conducive to normal controlled blood pressure.

The fact you felt better on hrt almost immediately is good and giving it up and taking it on again and giving up is not a good way to go.  Firstly it takes at least 3 months for hrt to have any impact on anxiety through meno so you are never going to be able to judge which symptoms it helps.  Secondly your blood pressure meds need to settle also and I was told that checking blood pressure more than once a day is bad for your health! 

Like CKLD says...take a deep breath.  Keep taking your blood pressure meds and get the right ones to level out your reading but you are right not having hrt isn't going to help much either but it will be simple to go back on it as you know it helped initially you just weren't on it long enough to get the full effect.

I have high blood pressure and I had all the panic symptoms and spirilling and a whole host of other symptoms - forgetfullness - though I had dementia, panic attacks thought I was having a heart attack, irrational thoughts - bit like psychosis, aches and pains in my joints and was diagnosed with fibromyalgia - hah - turns out all menopause related and all gone now I have the right hrt - but I still take my blood pressure meds. 
Sending much love - stop panicking (easier said than done!) - keep posting and tell us how you feel - meno is beyond scary but it can all be sorted, mostly because most of us don't understand what is involved or get the support we need from our GP's.
Ladies here will support you and answer any questions - tell you their experience and can also help in the middle of the night when we think we have lost our minds xx

[ElkWarning]

Hiya

Thanks for replies, to take each in turn:

And breathe ... I used to meditate a lot, because anxiety has dogged me for a long time now, but for some reason it just sort of got pushed to the side, probably because I thought I was too busy.  So I can do that again.  I have the tools (techniques), just need to make it a priority.

Mood, food, symptom diary is a good idea.  Again, this is one of those things that I haven't prioritised ... And yes, even I can see this pattern where I don't prioritise myself.  I'm going to do this, because it's also about just gathering myself together.

The advice from the nurses about work also probably wasn't wrong.  At the occupational health assessment last week the nurse identified that I meet every single Health and Safety stressor criteria (demands, support, role, control, relationships, change).  The report produced says my line manager has to carry out a risk stress assessment on this basis and I should work from home one day a week (so I can concentrate / not be continuously interrupted).  To add some context, I manage three admins, as well as research governance, health and safety, labs, buildings, etc.  One admin had medical issues, lots of time off sick, another admin's mother, who's advanced on the alzheimer's journey, developed a variety of medical issues, and there was lots of compassionate leave (sadly her mum died recently), and the third admin's husband was diagnosed with cancer, so understandably she was a bit sketchy.  I've being trying to do the jobs of four people.  And because we're a med school, and we work with patients, it's very difficult to just walk away from that, especially as my role makes me technically responsible for keeping the show on the road.

In terms of a chores list, yes, that makes a lot of sense, to put some time aside towards the end of the day (in my case the working day) to set up the tasks for the following one, because it had got to the stage where I just felt completely overwhelmed, both with responsibilities at work and at home.  It didn't feel like I was getting anything done, and instead was in constant firefighting mode.

^^ The slightly odd thing with this, I suppose, is that I started to change it in January.  I looked around and realised that I didn't really think I had much going on in terms of quality of life.  I did dry January (more to see if I dropped any weight), joined the gym at work and discovered zumba and bounce dance, bought myself a new bicycle (with pedal assist, because four miles up hill first thing in the morning wasn't enjoyable) and went through the process of doing a bunch of filing both at home and at work (because getting things in the right place stops it feeling as if things are all over the place).  I also started a short course at the Free University Brighton, and am now on the second short course.  I've referred myself to Wellbeing services for therapeutic support, as my anxiety is most likely associated with PTSD - I've been told this before by NHS mental health professionals who advised when I felt ready I should go back and look into this more.  Maybe I've just instituted too much change all at the same time, or maybe it's a time of change and that's simply very stressful for me.  Just typing that out makes me realise how much I've got going on.  My quality of life, however, since the beginning of the year, has improved.  I got myself a Fitbit a couple of weeks ago and realised that if I danced everywhere I could up my step count.  It's been so much fun, but when the nurse said 'No more zumba for you for now,' I felt really crushed.  On the flipside, what the Fitbit has shown me is that I get nowhere near enough sleep, so looking to adjust that.

So I was on HRT for 10 months.  My BP does rise throughout the day, and is definitely worse in the evening.  I think that's why I've been told to monitor it morning and night.  Yesterday it was much better (started the BP meds on Friday night), 160 / 96, after a pleasant trip out to our local café and an art exhibition in the park.  This morning it's 121 / 82.  I guess I needed a couple of 'good' readings (I can tell the evening one is rubbish, but not as bad as it has been, so heading in the right direction) ...

What you say, re: HRT and high BP, is interesting, because this is exactly the tack the initial nurse took, i.e. you should stay on the HRT.  I think the mistake made there is that she should have also monitored my BP and thought about getting it under control rather than just switching me to a repeat prescription and ignoring it.  That didn't help, because I feel very let down, and trust has been breached a bit.  And I completely hear what you say about all the other symptoms.  I went and asked for HRT after reading here and I recognised so many of the 'features'.  It completely changed my life and it seemed like I was getting the old me back, so being told to stop it is a real blow - and having two nurses tutting about it has scared me off, and I wonder whether I'll just end up in the same state again.  You're right though, BP under control, then look at HRT again.  I think they way they've tried to impress on me how important the control element is has really unnerved me.  Hubs is a uni lecturer, he came with me for one of the consultations, and despite his uber rational take on life, it scared him half to death - he wasn't putting that on me, but I could tell, because he looked so pale and his face does this thing when he's stressed.

Anyway, thank you, yes, I just needed some steady guidance from lived experience:

Breathe / slow down - this is top priority [meditation likely helpful for me as well];
Mood / food / symptom diary [so I can make sense of things myself];
Daily task list [realistic and achievable, will help with orientation, and stop trying to over-achieve];
[Get more sleep]; and
Understand that being well is a process and you have support.

Well now that made me cry.  It's funny how alone you feel, even with a supportive partner, family and friends.  Thank you.  I'll probably keep writing stuff here for a bit, because it seems to really help.  Haven't cried in so long - ye, there's probably something in that as well.

You're all amazing.

[ElkWarning]

Unfortunately, I'm not superwoman, just someone who likes to pretend I am, and that's most likely the root of the problem.  I feel the need to constantly prove myself.

Re:  the magnesium, is magnesium stearate ok?  My meno vits and minerals only list that type of magnesium but say they contain 27% of daily requirement.  I do also eat loads of veg.  Would you suggest something else?

And ye, meditation can be powerful. I'm just never very good at getting down to it.  What have you found to be effective?

[Wrensong]

Hi Elk Warning, there is not much I can add to the excellent advice the other ladies have given here, but I just wanted to say I think  the strategies you've decided to adopt to help your health are very sensible, especially given your stressful job situation.  You are a veteran of meditation so know how helpful regular practice can be & you've acknowledged that trying to get as much sleep as you can is really important.  You pack a lot into your life, so I think some more sedate relaxation in addition to the exercise may be what's missing.  Like you, I let the meditation slip & am trying to get it back to regular practice.  If you can't manage formal meditation sessions as frequently as you'd like, any form of R&R you can make time for should also help reduce your stress levels & get your BP down (pottering in the garden, a good book, calming music on your MP3).

If you never had EMDR for the PTSD this may be worth asking about when you go for your Wellbeing assessment or even a refresher CBT/counselling course to help with feelings of panic & anxiety - I say refresher assuming you've had counselling before.  Sorry, hope I haven't missed mention of that in your posts.

You are very capable & touchingly receptive to the advice the other ladies have given, so I have no doubt that you will get this thing cracked.

Please keep posting & let us know how you get on.  You are never alone here.

Wx

Ladybt28 - great post!

[Wrensong]

Forgot to say - if not checked recently, maybe think about asking for a thyroid function test - raised BP can be a sign of a thyroid disorder.

[CLKD]

Crikey.  I need to lay down for an hour in a darkened room.  Typical isn't it!  One takes on more and more and no one else notices  been there etc..  Get them to contact an agency or local College/job centre, even if it's to get someone in 2 cover making teas/coffee; buying buns, filing ....... make a note of what takes up the niggles in your day that you could delegate to someone.  Point out that you may well be next to take time off ;-).

Your work sounds interesting ?!? ........ if you had time to draw breath  . 

Step back and look at what you actually do     

[ElkWarning]

Hey ... I think you might be right about some more sedate relaxation that doesn't have a goal to it, and achievement at the end.  I can't remember the last time I read a book just to read a book - I've literally just ploughed through Nietzsche's Genealogy of Morality, lol, ye, I'm going to read a book just for the hell of it ... I used to do that all the time, really enjoy junk sci-fi.

And you're right.  I have had therapy before, most recently at the end of 2017 beginning of 2018 (NHS).  The psychologist said she thought I should do a year of psycho-dynamic thingy, but I just didn't feel like I had the energy for all that emotional labour.  I've been papering over the cracks for a long time though.  I'm not sure it's viable any more ... I'm also not sure whether I can cope with digging about in all sorts.

I want to be receptive as well, because I do think that together people can help each other.  It's not so much that I'd try anything at this point, more that I sort of feel open to the process.  I'm scared because I thought I knew, and it turns out I don't, but I'm pretty sure some of you do, so that's a good thing, I think.

And Birdy I will look at the magnesium.  I know there's nothing wrong with my thyroid, because they've tested that on numerous occasions, and I'll ask for some up to date results there.

As for work, the occupational health nurse said I needed to get a new job description agreed, one that reflects what I've been doing for the last 18 months.  Because my employer hasn't wanted to put the new responsibilities into writing, they haven't back-filled the parts of the role I can no longer do.  So you're right, CLKD, it's a process of stepping back and looking at that.

It's so great to let it out, finally, and admit that I can't cope.  I'll keep you posted.

[Ladybt28]

You don't need to feel alone any more Elkwarning - we are all here and some of us will have been through similar times - some of us will have had family trauma's.  All of us believe we have to be Superwoman but unfortunately we hate to break it to ourselves that we actually don't have her powers and then we feel guilty because of all the things we think "we should be able to do". 

4 people's jobs for 18 months...no wonder you are on your knees physically and mentally without any meno symptoms or health issues thrown in and your bosses need to do something otherwise what will they do when you go sick for 6 months!!  I do get a bit cross about nurses putting the wind up people about hrt and blood pressure and weight issues or whatever else is the current "bee in the bonnet" issue of the day.  I don't mean that like it sounds, it's important yes, but they should just put out the facts calmly and then set out a treatment plan.  Scaring people who are anxious anyway is completely self-defeating!

I bet your post says only about half of the things you have done in the last 2 years but that's all you could manage to get down on paper and then you were thinking "god that sounds awful.." but there was this and this and this...and how did I or am I doing this - no wonder you are worried, scared and upset.  I have had years and years like that in my life and I look back and I think...how did I do that? and why can't I do that now? and I should be able to that now!  It's because we are older and maybe not feeling ourselves cost of meno and just quite frankly we have run our of steam.

Stop papering over the cracks and tell us all about it and then when you feel you can't tackle something (however small) there will be one of us (or loads of us  ) offering suggestions and supporting whilst you find a way to do it.  Sounds like you have good workplace systems available for "wellbeing" though...?  so take advantage of them.

You are in good hands here...don't feel bad about your husband feeling panicked or not understanding meno or anything else... I'm going to be really sexist here and say that although I have a wonderful, kind, understanding husband he is still a man! and  however much they try personally I think they are never really going to understand what it is to be a woman!! 
Thinking of you x

[ElkWarning]

Ye, we put a lot on ourselves don't we.

So ... I accidentally added something to the list: 'reach out'.

Breathe:  I went to mindfulness at work Monday lunch time.  Not been before.  Asked to tag along with my colleague who's mother recently passed.  I got a bit of a shock.  Five minutes in and I thought I was going to scream.  There was this little me inside, who I could see, bouncing off the walls of my body, going super crazy, shouting 'Let me out of here'.  At one point I thought I might actually stand up and do that, I wouldn't be able to stop myself.  I followed the voice of the person leading the session and tried to not engage, not judge and not analyse, and I'm going to stick with that.  I think I'm really distressed, and that's probably why I don't sit still.  Hmmmm.  It was lovely though (which might sound a bit weird) and I did almost manage to breathe instead of gulp air like a fish out of water.

Mood - that's turned out to be a funny one.  I've realised I don't really think about that and I'm finding it hard to pin down what mood I'm in.  What I have noticed though is these enormous flashes of anger.  Volcanic.  Because I'm sort of looking at them from the side now I can see they're anger.  I think before I thought they were stress, and they might still be, but I hadn't realised how angry I was, or how much much I was repressing that anger.

As for the task list, that's going amazingly well, mostly because just looking at them like that allows me to see who else can do it ... it's helped me externalise them and think of them as things that need doing rather than attacks on myself.  However, see above for flashes of anger.  Some people really are good at pushing back aren't they?  Sods.

Sleep is plainly a huge bug for me.  This is probably going to be a slow process.  Went out for a walk last night after dinner.  Going out for a walk tonight after dinner.  It's like I need to put myself back in my body and my body back into the world.  I spend all evening in my head, because I don't get time to think at work, and that's mentally and physically exhausting, but isn't helping with the going to or staying asleep thing ...

^^ This also connects to the reaching out.  The words 'I need help' are obviously not ones I feel at all comfortable saying, but I've found that reaching out here has encouraged me to reach out slightly more generally.  Lovely hug with my colleague who came back to work from compassionate leave - obviously, my main focus was her wellbeing after her mum, however, I did say to her that I thought I was struggling a bit and it was lovely to have her back (nothing more, didn't want to put this on her).  I'm also meeting another colleague tomorrow for a coffee, because she came to me about a year ago when her blood pressure was through the roof and she didn't know which way to turn.  I kind of figured some friendly support from someone I know who's been through this is possibly a good thing.  Also had a lovely chat with a lady called Jan while we were both waiting (over an hour!) for our blood tests.  She was lovely.

Haven't looked into the magnesium yet.  That's probably a thing for the long weekend.

Hope you're all doing well and have the sunshine where you are.  Such a beautiful day today.

xxx

[Wrensong]

Hi Elkwarning.  Great to know you are already putting measures in place to help with the stress.  Well done, you - it can be so hard to make changes when we feel as though things will fall apart if we step back from firefighter mode.  I am so glad you have some good colleagues to talk to for support in what sounds like a very full-on job situation.  We all need a support network - it's not a weakness to admit to struggling.  You are on the right track now.

Enjoy those evening walks & do the mindfulness thing while you're out - feel the breeze in your hair, listen to the birds, notice the scenery, smell the mown grass/oil seed rape/seasalt on the air (permission to skip the sniffing if all that's around is car fumes or the scent of rape flowers does for your hay fever/asthma )  Be conscious of any tension in your body while you walk & jiggle a bit to release it - you know the drill!

Find a light, absorbing book to drive work worries from your mind once you've done your task list for the next day in the knowledge everything is organised, so you can relax with something that will rest your brain a little.  Nietzsche for pleasure though?! Really?!  You are in a bad way girl!  They had to handcuff me to my desk to get me to read that stuff 35 years ago at uni!

Keep posting.
Wx

[ElkWarning]

Sooooooooooooo, today was rubbish.  Got an email to say that I couldn't work from home one day a week (recommendation of occupational health) until it was agreed. Met with the colleague, and she basically said: what the hell are you doing here, go home, you're sick, you shouldn't be at work, you need to sort yourself out, if you'd just been knocked over by a bus you wouldn't be at work with two broken legs, a punctured lung and a skull fracture, you must go home, you must contact your GP if your blood pressure is still rising, you have to sort this out, not come here and read emails and worry about site inspections, don't come back until your BP is under control.  She was lovely and kind and gentle with all of this, and kept cuddling me, but it was as if something just broke and I had a panic attack ...

Went back to my office, collected my things, came home.  Phoned the docs, they said nurse is back in on Friday and to phone then.  Took 2mgs of diazepam, went to bed, watched some Jonathan Creek, fell in and out of sleep for about four hours. 

Ye, so I think I'm at the end of my rope, and just breathing probably means not going to work for now.  Pretty sure I just have to stop.  Oh dear.  And really loving having no more HRT, that's doing wonders for my anxiety.

Sorry ladies, like being hit by a truck.