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[Tc]

I've been trying to busy  myself this morning posting. this morning
 but...
I keep crying.  i feel so sad.
I've been invited to a party tonight.
I hardly ever accept invitations these days and I do feel lonely so it would be good for me to get out of this flat.
But how can I go like this.
I miss my wife so much. Before the meno crap I was working through the "grief wheel" with my bereavement counsellor. Up until I saw her I hadn't even accepted it. But with acceptance comes the stark realisation that you will never see them again and then the missing.oh god the missing.
Since my op I feel like I've gone backwards.  The pain is crushingl and I can't even think about her without it hurting so much, I long for her to see her talk to her to feel her arms around me., it's physical pain.

My constant anxiety since meno means  I have lost so much of myself  I'm scared of mixing socially. I don't even know how to fake it anymore and put on a happy face. I don't think I can
 
In the build up to it my anxiety is spiralling by the minute cand I keep picking up the phone to cancel. I know if I cancel my anxiety will lessen but if I cancel I will be alone and still feeling sad.

I realy just want to take phenegran and sleep for the rest of the day just to shut my brain up and stop the pain.

How can going to a party feel so impossible.
How I wish she was here.
I wish I could find the strength to go.

[jaypo]

Tc,I can't imagine your pain & I feel so so bad for you.
I too don't like parties etc but for different reasons to you.its the build up to going but once there you'll  be ok. I had neighbours coming round last night and I was dreading even that,pains in my stomach and nausea,we were literally minutes from cancelling but my husband said,if we cancel we'll have to invite them another time,so they came and I was ok,I did it and I was proud of myself.
Please try and go,I know you're on your own but people WILL understand,even if you go for an hour,half an hour,least you can say you gave it a go.i'll be thinking about you,so let me know what you did🌹

[AgathaC]

Why don't you say to yourself you will go for 1 hour? No pressure. And then if you feel okay, stay longer xx

[CLKD]

I wouldn't go.  I simply can't be bothered get changed into something 'posh' for starters  and if it's stressing you so much ....... or as suggested go for an hour, it really depends on how well you know the people concerned.

[Tc]

Thank you ladies. I'm reading your encouragement and trying to talk myself into it. It's not for hours but I wish I could just go now. Don't know if anyone else gets that. It's the build up.

I'm realy unhappy with the way I look I feel so ugly. These days. I've always had inner confidence before tho and. I think that's the biggest thing meno has robbed me of.

. I can't believe how I sound. Making going to a party sound like climbing Everest it's just so opposite from the real me. I didn't think she was amazing;the real me, but I quite liked her sometimes and was fun and very sociable  she was also brave. Where is she?

  I feel so stupid.and I hate myself for being like this.

[jillydoll]

Hi TC.
I'm so sorry you feel so down, it must be awful longing for your wife.
I was going to say what Annamuller said, what would your wife want you to do?
Like you say, if you don't go, you'll be stuck in your flat, and the anxiety, and depression has won, you have to fight these things, and keep fighting.
You only have to go for 1/2 hour, maybe you could take something of your wife's with you, like a bracelet, or hanky in your pocket, so she's ‘there with you ‘ for support, and if you feel a little lost, just look at it and know you're not alone....if you see what I mean.
When I lost my mom & dad, I wore my dads gold chain, wore it for ages, it really gave me comfort.
You try n go girl, get out of that flat, even for 1/2 hour, just show your face, you never know, it may make a big difference...

[CLKD]

I know exactly about the 'wish it were now'!  If I do things spontaneously I am usually fine, especially if I give myself a way out.  I never go to theatre or anywhere that I have to stay!  Fairs, shopping trips, walking - things I feared that I would never do again  are not on the list again 

[Tc]

Thank you. So much Ann a and jilly.

She would say "get your arse in that shower"
And that's what I'm about to do.

What a lovely idea to take something with me of hers

I will take her watch. It doesn't fit my wrist but I can put it in my bag and touch it.

Thank you again all you ladies for your thoughtful and kind words and encouragement

I'm going to get ready. I'm telling myself I will stay for an hour.

[jaypo]

😊🌹

[jillydoll]

Oh TC,
I've actually got tears in my eyes, I'm so glad your going....
You take that watch, and know she's there with you.....
Good girl TC, I'm really proud of you....

 

Let us know how you get on.....xxx

[racjen]

TC, I feel for you so much - I haven't lost a partner, but I do know that horrible feeling of mounting anxiety when something like this is coming up, even just a normal family party, so for you with the added grief it must feel unbearable.

Personally I decided a while back that I wasn't going to torture myself by doing that 'if I don't go the anxiety/depression has won' thing, mainly because I know now from experience that, if I do go I won't feel any better once I get there, it'll just be an hour of torture, and that it won't make it any easier the next time. I think that's the difference between behavioural mood disorders and hormonal ones - you can't train yourself out of a hormonal disorder, all you're doing is making yourself feel terrible. But that's just me and my personal choice; if you've managed to go and enjoy yourself I'm really really pleased for you (and more than a bit envious too!) xxx

[Tc]

Well girls. Thanks to your support and  trying to imagine how pleased she would be.if I went I'm just off to the party.
I'll let you all know how it went.
If you don't hear from me it means I stayed longer than an hour.!!

One small step and all that
Much love to all you ladies❤

[CLKD]

Every journey begins with a small step.

Were you worried that people would ask about your departed beloved and cause you to cry?  I no longer worry about crying ...... if Nature hadn't want us to cry she wouldn't have given us feelings 

What did you wear?

[groundhog]

Looks like you made it Tc and stayed longer than the hour xx ❤️

[AgathaC]

I'm hoping you are still at the party xx