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[Biker Chick]

Hi everyone
I haven't been on the forum for a while because of one thing or another. I just needed to vent as I'm sat here in my house by myself crying again   That is all I seem to do these days. I'm so unhappy. There doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I often think everyone would be better off without me. I got made redundant a year ago. I'm currently living on benefits and my dwindling redundancy pay as I have been diagnosed with depression and Post Traumatic Stress as well as going through the menopause and am not in the right head space to look for work.I'm currently on the waiting list with IAPT for therapy. Have previously tried CBT but it wasn't for me. Have also tried hypnotherapy.  I am not workshy, I have worked all my life since I was 18, I'm now 53. My head is so full of negative thoughts all the time. I'm constantly thinking of death. Think is as a result of witnessing my partner having a massive heart attack a couple of years ago, luckily he survived. I have then subsequently lost several close people in my life. I've had an awful couple of years. I can't seem to pull myself round. I think I am going mental to be honest. I just want to shut myself away and not bother with anyone. I have told my partner he would be better off without me. My close friends have been really supportive but they have their own stuff going on so I keep the full extent of my feeling of despair away from them because I'm sure they are sick of me too. Don't want to go on HRT of AD so I suppose its my own fault I feel like this. I've tried herbal stuff, currently trying starflower oil capsules after reading a post about them on this forum. I've upped my exercise regime. I'm vegetarian so try and eat healthily. I've got all the usual aches and pains everyone mentions on this site. I suddenly feel old and I don't like anything about myself anymore. I'm sick of feeling so sorry for myself but I can't seem to get out from under this ever present black cloud. My situation is nothing compared to what some people are going through, and I feel so guilty of feeling so miserable all the time. My palpitations are worse than ever. I've got an ectopic heartbeat so have had all the checks. Can't seem to cope with anything any more. The slightest thing that goes wrong is like a major trauma now. I never used to be like this.

I'm not sure why I've said all this or what anyone can do.  I just feel so alone and thoroughly miserable. I wish someone could wave a magic wand and make things better and make me my previous happy self. I just want all this negativity in my life to stop.

Sorry for whinging. Big hugs to you all x

[Tiddles]

Hello Biker Chick.  I'm really concerned for you and am sending many virtual hugs across the ether.  I was feeling as you are now before taking HRT but only for a few months - a month where I felt life was over during which time I decided to ask for HRT plus the time it took to go through the rigmarole of being prescribed HRT.  And then when I started taking it the improvement was rapid (within a couple of days) and remarkable. You mention you can't take HRT because of AD.  What is AD? Sorry for my lack of knowledge but I'm newish to the forum and don't understand all the acronyms.

If there's any way you CAN get on HRT you must try it. You can't carry on feeling like this and don't need to xxx

[Sammas]

Hello Biker Chick
Firstly sending hugs. I also know how this feels Hormones take over and nothing is rational I would try something though I am in a dilemma having gone down the natural route, whether to take HRT, as the mood swings, irritability and headaches amongst other things become too much and it's hard to see a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone is different, but all I would say is you need to try something so you can feel more positive xxx

[Dancinggirl]

Biker Chick - you need a sounding board - so rant away at us if it helps.
You sound mentally and physically exhausted so you must see your GP and allow them to help you.
I know exactly how you feel - I came very close to a complete breakdown in my mid 30s - I had started my menopause and my son had just been diagnosed with special needs that would be very challenging. I was lucky as I had a GP at the time that simply took me in hand and told me what I HAD to do. She insisted I have the HRT ( thank goodness) and fortunately the practise had a counsellor who I saw straight away - I had a year of counselling that has carried me forward really well.
 I am a life vegetarian and was very reluctant to take anything but the GP explained HRT was necessary for my long term health and if you are getting flushes and struggling to sleep I would suggest that a low dose of something like Femoston 1/10 might be worth trying.
You have been through a very traumatic time and your confidence has had a bashing - it's going to take time, practical help and Probably some medication for you to come out the other side and move forward to enjoy life again.
I had a friend who went through a very bad time and her health was really suffering. Her GP simply told her that her body and mind needed a break, so she agreed to have some ADs for a few months - she took them for just 6 months - and now years later she says it was the best thing she could have done as it allowed her to get her life back on track.
I am not saying you SHOULD take anything but maybe you could consider your options as you simply can't go on like this.
Be kind to yourself. The weather is picking up - get out for some walks in the sunshine - it costs nothing and that vitamin D hit can work wonders. Keep fighting. DG x

[Wilks]

Hi,
Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I've been there too. I had suicidal feelings for most of last year. I resisted antidepressants for ages but now they (and hrt) have turned me around. I don't know if you can't take them for medical reasons or you just don't want to, but they made me feel like living again.
I also had a great counsellor through IAPT.
If you're not feeling safe, please tell someone or take yourself to A&E.

[paisley]

Hi
I agree with all that has been said. Depression is a really nasty thing. It robs us of the will to think straight & it is a very lonely place to be in but coming on here & voicing how you feel is good. It gives you a place to vent. I definitely think a trip back to your doctor is in order. That is what they are there for. You might benefit from hrt alone or hrt & AD with some counseling. Talking to someone trained is really good as you can say exactly what you want without being judged. I saw a counselor after I had PND & it really helped

[Mary G]

Biker Chick, I am so sorry to hear about the difficult time you are having.  It sounds like you are trapped into a cycle of depression and it is very difficult to break that cycle.  My first instinct would be to establish whether or not it is hormonal depression.  From what little I know about depression, it seems it can be hormonal, circumstantial (life events) or chemical imbalance and you need to know what you are up against before it can be effectively treated.

My advice would be to go back to your GP as ask for some blood tests, particularly hormones.  Then I would consider HRT and/or ADs depending on the results.  It could also be worth getting some counselling to help you at this difficult time in your life. 

I think the most important thing is for you to find the root cause of your depression and go on from there.

I hope that helps but please do let us know what you decide.

[Poppi]

Hi Biker Chick
Big hugs and total understanding, you are not alone in feeling miserable and sorry for yourself,  that doesn't help much immediately but I'm sure tomorrow will be better if you plan to see your GP? I printed off my post for my GP to read and she knew exactly how I was feeling. Now on HRT which suits me. Funny thing, GP was about 30 and just a baby really, but helpful nonetheless. On my way out she recommended I take a look online at the Menopause Matters site as it was fabulous! I never let on!!
Take care
    Poppi x

[Biker Chick]

Thank you everyone for your supportive comments. I am so glad I found this forum. I am going to go back to my GP, I think I am going to have to give in to either HRT or AD. I have been on the waiting list for therapy with IAPT for 4 months and still haven't heard back from them. I can't go on feeling like this, I'm scared of how bad I am most days. It's ruining my life, my relationship,everything. Thank you to all of you who replied. I am very grateful.
I wish you all well XX

[Daisydot]

Hi biker chick you won't regret going on hrt I could have written your post 6 months ago I felt in such a black place and I've had to have some real battles to get where I am now,I still have some issues to resolve but small steps and I know I'll get there,the main thing is I'm 99% improved in every way I just have a few tweaks to make here and there.you go for it life's too short and you have a long journey in front of you still so you may as well try and enjoy living in the day and worry about tomorrow another time.good luck with gp xx

[Wilks]

Hi again
I felt the same, my life was being totally ruined by how I felt physically and mentally- and shocked at how suddenly everything crashed down around me.
By the way, I waited 33 weeks for counselling through IAPT.
Wilks

[EnglishRose]

Hello

You sound like you have clinical depression caused by environmental situations and enhanced by hormonal deficiencies.

You must seek help and sometimes that means ADs and HRT. It is not very likely you will come out of the current depression without some sort of intervention be that ADs or hormones. If your body is deficient of any kind of hormone this alone can cause long term health issues with your heart bones and even breast cancers so you owe it to yourself to at least get your hormone levels checked.

I understand not wanting to go on HRT but there are bioidentical HRT (Not synthetics) and these are healthier alternatives to synthetic hormones

Estradiol and Utrogestan (Estrogen and Progesterone) both are bioidentical meaning identical to hormones in our bodies.

The  hardest thing to do is reach out and ask for help sometimes.... make the appointment with your doctor take a list of these two hormones and ALL of your symptoms, ask your partner to come with you and remember by helping yourself get better you will also be benefitting those that care about you and live with you as your happiness effects anyone who loves you and lives with you.

[Biker Chick]

Hi everyone it's me again. Thank you for today's replies. I will make a note of the names of the bio identical hormones and take them to my GP, thanks for the info roseenglish. I suppose waiting 4 months for IAPT is nothing compared to your 33 weeks of waiting Wilks. I'll let you all know how I get on. Thanks again to you all for your support and advice, means a lot xx