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[jessieblue]

Hi lovely ladies.  This post is not for sympathy or attention.....I am desperate to talk about this but not sure where I can do it safely.  I cannot speak to my husband as he gets very angry and im afraid to speak to a doctor in case I get sectioned.  However, feeling at an all time low and desperate for some relief I am finding myself dwelling on this subject quite a lot now.  I find I no longer fear the thought of death. It brings me comfort....one of the only things that does now.  However I do of course fear the process of dying as I have severe anxiety health anxiety and emetophobia.  Of course I havent made any efforts to make thgis a reality because I dont want to bring pain to my family but it is my kind of get out clause.  I tell myself....if i cannot bear it any more there is always THAT option.  My physical symptoms are unbearable now and my zest for life no longer exists.  I wonder how much longer I can stay in this horror movie.  I know suicide is a taboo subject but where can someone go to explore these thoughts in a non judgemental environment.  Please dont suggest my doctor as I get literally no help at all from them.  Maybe a vicar or priest?  I called samaritans once but that was completely hopeless.....Im not looking for someone to try and talk me down, I just want to get all these thoughts out and air them.  To me they are very logical but im sure will be judged as being that of someone suffering from depression.....well yes of course.....but I cannot get any relief from the anxiety and depression. I really just want to sleep.  The thought of never waking up is very appealing right now.  Thanks for reading, I hope this is ok to post here.  Feeling very alone right now. xx

[CLKD]

Yep.

[CLKD]

Like you, I have a deep fear of vomiting.  I was anorexic from the age of 5  .

IBS made me suicidal.  The constant bloating, my digestive system had slowed down completely ..........

I have been treated with appropriate medication since 1988.  Do you have a local MIND Charity walk-in Centre, I found one close to where I live by doing a google.  I sent an e-mail about opening hours and I had great support for several weeks. 

You are un-likely to be 'sectioned' 4 discussing your feelings and fears with a GP.  Regardless of whether depression and anxiety are caused by feelings or are hormonally generated, if you are feeling as ill as this, you need to have appropriate treatment.  You may find that your NHS area has a dedicated Psychiatric Nurse who can visit you at home.

Yes.  Your local Priest, Vicar etc. should provide Pastoral Care.    He/she will be used to people talking about all kinds of issues. 

I never wanted to die, but to sleep until the pain went away.  For me, depression is mental and physical.

Let us know what you decide and how you get on!  Also, with the weekend approaching, do speak to someone either this evening or tomorrow.  Your GP should be your first port of call, "Please can you talk to me about options to help me feel less suicidal" might be your opener - a GP should make time to either talk over the 'phone or call you to the Surgery.  A&E is an option but sitting for ages might make you feel worse.  If you have a local Mental Health Private Hospital, it may be worthwhile speaking with someone there. 

[am#]

Hi Jessieblue i'm on mobile so can't really go into detail at the moment ,my mum tried to commit suicide and it has seriosly affected our relationship ,i have probably inherited the tendancy to suicidal thoughts but i think of my kids and manage to get through it ,you're not alone if you want you can send me a pm,i have memories of an ambulance, visiting mum in hospital and my neighbours young daughter persisently asking if my mum was coming home with a baby and asking over and over again why she was is hospital.
Hang in there i'm sure you'll get lots of support on here
Xx

[Bring me Sunshine]

Jessie Blue it will pass I know that is easy to say but I can say it as I have been there many times and with all the same thoughts.  I used to wish for a button by the bed that I could just press to take me out of life but thank God it was never made that easy as when you are well you realise "It is a wonderful life" it just isnt when you are struggling.  You must speak to the GP and if your own one is not helpful find another that is sympathetic to mental health.  A good book that is easy and not self help but is a picture book and humourous is Matthew Johnstones, "I had a black Dog".  I have no idea if you are on any anti depressants or hrt or anything but generally if you are that low you need medication and they can be life savers.  Talking to someone professional or just talking to someone who understands is so important too.  When I was so ill I would ring any number I could get my hands  any helpline, the people there are trained to listen and say the right things and it does help to knpow that you are not alone and want you are feeling is because you are unwell.  Getting outside even if you dont feel like it is so important even for 10 minutes.

I would walk in the woods looking at the trees and imagine tying a noose but then i would laugh a bit and think I wouldnt get it right or I would need help.  Awful thoughts especially with lovely children and a good husband (finally) you feel dreadful for even letting thoughts like that come into your head and you dont really want to go just want to stop the pain you are in.  Its normal to feel that way if you are so low and the fact that you have voiced it is brilliant and the first step to getting help.  Well Done!

CLKD gives great advice above and you must keep talking and keep in touch but you do need to go and get the appropriate treatment/medication.  Without that I would not be here today writing to you.

You will get better with the right help I cant tell you when whether it will be weeks or months but you will and be back in this roller coaster life once again.  You will find your zest again its still there just a bit lost.

Take good care of yourself and take the next step to get help.  A Big Hug sent your way xx

[jessieblue]

Thank you so much for replying.  Im so sorry about your mums attempt at suicide am# I cant imagine how scary that must have been for you.  It would be nice to chat with you via pm.  Maybe I can send one later?

CLKD thank you for those suggestions.  I did email MIND.....never got a reply.  I dont have the strength to telephone and this is whats stopping me from calling the gp surgery again.  So many times I have called, they give me an appt in 2 or 3 weeks then nearer the time I cancel because I just feel so rediculous going and saying these things to them.  They are so detached it seems somehow wrong discussing it with them.  I have walked in in tears a couple of times and seen a nurse who just tells me its all my anxiety and to take a higher dose of my amitriptyline.  It never gets any further.  Currently with the norovirus tearing through the country and aussie flu, I am terrified of stepping outside the house.  My son had noro 2 weeks ago, he was so terribly terribly sick, it terrified me.  I spent the last 2 weeks bleaching EVERYTHING including my hands!  This is no life is it?  I have trouble with most medications I take.....they make me nauseous or give me worse acid reflux, so medication terrifies me.  There is a private priory clinic I could try to speeak to.  I know its pretty expensive though but i will look into how much.  I have never been offered a psychiatric nurse or anything other than CBT.  I went to private couselling and cbt and hypno but to no avail.  Im just tired.  I wrack my brains for who to go to for help....have been to private gps and consultants but have sort of run out of money.  I will see if I can find any walk in centres, that would be good if I can.  Thanks again xx

[jessieblue]

Bring me sunshine, thank you for your lovely comments. So glad you found a way to heal. xx

[racjen]

jessieblue, I've been in exactly the same place as you, in fact am still going in and out of it. I think a  lot about how I could do it - overdose, drowning etc. but I also have kids, and I lost my dad as a child, so I know the awful effects of losing a parent and I just can't do that to my kids.  You need to go to your GP (don't make an appointment, just turn up and tell them you're feeling suicidal). Then tell the GP about the thoughts you've been having and if necessary really lay it on thick, you won't get the help you need unless they really think you're in immediate danger. You need to be seen by the Crisis Team - they'll come round and see you at home the same day and assess you. I'm currently having daily visits from them, had an emergency psychiatric appointment to try and find an antidepressant I could tolerate, now struggling with that as they make me worse to start with. But at least I now feel someone is there looking out for me. Huge hugs to you, it's horrible and I'm right in there with you xxx

[Bettythecat]

Dear Jessieblue I feel so sorry that you're enduring such pain right now. I haven't felt like this myself I feel very fortunate to say, but have friends who have suffered/are suffering so see what a huge effect this illness has on your ability to function. Do you feel able to read? I would massively recommend a book by Matt Haigh called Reasons To Stay Alive.  It's a sensitive story of his own journey from literally standing on a cliff ready to throw himself off, to a place where he has learned how to live his life around his illness and even find happiness. From what I understand GPs often misdiagnose depression when the symptoms are actually menopause related. Have you got an understanding GP who could help you understand the root of your condition and what's behind it? I know that finding a sympathetic GP with time and ability to help you is easier said than done (and that's not to blame GPs who overwhelmingly are doing the best they can in challenging times). I don't have anything useful to advise but I just send you my sincere hope that you manage to get help to see yourself out of this blackness xxx

[Bettythecat]

I'm sorry Jessieblue I missed your comments about trying to get GP help in your second post - so clearly that's not an option right now and you must think I'm silly to suggest it xxx

[Kathleen]

Hello jessieblue.

I think anyone experiencing a situation they find intolerable would consider suicide as a way of ending their suffering, it makes perfect sense and is not a sign of weakness at all. I have certainly had similar thoughts during this turbulent time.

You've had some great advice already and I'm sure there's more to come, you are not alone in your struggle and the ladies of the forum are here for you.

Sending huge hugs and keep posting, help is at hand.

K.


 

[jessieblue]

Bettythecat, no i dont think you are silly.....thank you so much for sharing those dark feelings with me.  This is so kind of you all because I feel so very alone but now have the comfort of others who know how it feels.  I am so grateful.  You are right I should speak to my gp....I want to....I mean to...but I just cannot do it.  I need my husband to get a little proactive really and help me to get there.  I will speak to him.  Its so hard with depression because there is zero motivation....right now everything seems so overwhelming, my problems are so deep seated, years of phobia anxiety and depression, violence in childhood.....and now mwnopause....Im not sure what the root is, there are so many facets.  It seems much easier to go to sleep....forever.  I dont want to die alone in some sad squalid place....for my family to be devasted by finding me.  As you say I want a button I can push when it all becomes too much and someone to hold my hand and comfort me through it.  This is such a testing time in my life.  I have battled mental illness my whole life but this.....well this is the mother of all mental illness.  I am so grateful for all your responses and support.  I feel comfort right now. xxx

[Annie0710]

This has really touched me.  Big hugs to you all

In the darkest moments of this menopause I've too felt it'd be kinder for me (and my family) if I didn't wake up.  I didn't have thoughts to do anything just that not being here seemed a nicer option

I hope you find a solutionxxxx

[racjen]

jessieblue, I feel exactly the same - I don't want to die (I've just been thru cancer treatment for god's sake) but yes, if someone gave me an easy and foolproof way out I would be tempted to take it. I think you need someone to go with you to your GP and be your advocate - if not your husband then a friend or other family member? For me it took going into work just to drop off my sick note and my boss seeing the state I was in - she took me straight to my GP and insisted on getting the Crisis team involved. Sometimes it just all gets too much and you need someone else with a bit of detachment to step in and speak for you. Do you have anyone who could do that for you?

[jessieblue]

Im so touched and moved by all your comments, im a bit overwhelmed and emotional right now so please forgive me not replying further tonight.  I will reply tomorrow to your comments.  I am so very lucky to have such a special place to come and share my feelings.  Thank you all. xx