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[SIDL02]

Hi Ladies,
I won't go over all the history leading up to my present situation but in brief, I'm 43, single, no children despite IVF and now I'm infertile. I started the menopause at 40 although i've only officially found out in the past 6 months. I've had a very, very difficult 18 months - 2 years which would have challenged anybody, without the added symptoms of an early menopause. For someone who has been used to dealing with all that life has had to throw at them, and someone who considers themselves pretty resilient, even I'm surprised that I've managed to cope with everything lately, particularly during this difficult process. In addition Ive not been able to use HRT so I've had to cope with it without it albeit recently I've been prescribed antidepressants which have been a great help.
But despite everything that's happened I feel the hardest part and the most saddening is the effect and break down of my friendship with my best friend. We have been like sisters since we were 16. I know that everything I have been through recently has had an effect on me but I genuinely feel I have handled it as well as can be expected and better than most. Having no partner through all of this has probably resulted in me depending or relying on her support more than normal and I guess there have been instances where I may have been more sensitive or emotional or even over reacted more than I normally would have. But as we all know, menopause effects us emotionally, physically and mentally and it's been such a testing and challenging time having to  deal with so much aswell as cope with early menopause that it's bound to take its toll. None of my peers are going through this at such an early age so they don't understand but I have tried to reach out to her and never thought I'd ever doubt that I'd be able to rely on her support but she has made me feel like such a pressure friend and a burden. It's even more upsetting as I have been there for her so much over the years and have helped her through some difficult times. I've gone above and beyond for her for many years and would never have made her feel this way, no matter how bad things got. So I challenged her and told her how i felt and she responded that I wasn't a burden but she did feel she was walking on eggshells around me. But I genuinely don't feel I have. Sure, I haven't been myself, and I may have even shown some frustration at the lack of her support which I guess is out of character, but it just seems that anything I raise is put down to my ‘hormones'. I've had so many other friends around me that have supported me and reminded me that I'm a great friend to them and that they are here for me. Friends I never expected.
But I've never had anyone make me feel I'm difficult to be around or that I'm hard work. I don't know if it's because I'm usually so laid back or I'm the one that my friends usually turn too for support and she's not used to this side of me where I'm a little more outspoken or acting a bit needy of support but isn't that what friends are there for? She knows that hat I don't have any parents or much in the way of family so I'm just so shocked by what's happened.
Apologies for waffling on. This process is so difficult it makes you question yourself and your behaviour and makes you feel like you're going a bit crazy. Thanks for listening. I suppose I wondered if any of you have experienced anything similar?

Andrea xxx

[JaneinPen]

Hi SIDLO2,  I felt sad reading your message especially when I saw the time you wrote it so you are obviously not sleeping due to this ongoing problem.  I really don't know what to advise except to tell you that your friend will also go through the meno at some point and could be the person she thinks you have become.  Just know that you are not a horrible friend you are just a friend that needs support with how you are feeling and a true friend will be there for you.

I find it surprising that often when we go through difficult times it is friends you wouldn't expect support from that are there for you so make the most of them.

I am sure other ladies here will be in touch with advice soon. Meanwhile you will have support here xx

[Annie0710]

It's very sad when people you care for aren't interested when going through emotional and physical tough times.  The most annoying part I've found is ‘it's just menopause'.  If we were diagnosed with a specific medical illness there'd be more undestranding I think, not that I want anything more adding into the mix.  Like Herdwick said (good reply btw) her time will come

[Snoooze]

I have a best friend. We have never had a cross word but during peri, i find myself getting really annoyed at things she says or does. I have surprised myself at this change in me. We are both the same age and she's in peri too, but she's not having many symptoms and I sometimes get the impression she's sick of listening to me mention my symptoms. I never thought I would feel annoyed at her but that's how it seems to be lately. I have distanced myself and I know she's noticed but she hasn't confronted me over it. I haven't mentiioned anything as I feel it's meno related and so if I was to fall out with her during this time, we might never be able to get back to where we were so at present, I just sort of grin and bear it.

I know women who left their husbands during peri. I feel like I need to be careful about decisions I make during this time regarding friendships and relationships so I'm just trying to go with the flow.

You could try printing out the advice for husbands list and give that to your friend. It does sound though like you were the glue holding your friendship together and now you're coming unstuck, she can't cope with you being the needy one in the friendship.  A lot of people have a 'best friend' but are they truly a best friend or just 'a friend'? To me, best friends are there for each other through thick and thin, a bit like a marriage!

[Dancinggirl]

SIDLO2 - you are feeling hurt, misunderstood and rejected.  You say that you have often been the one to support others and this could be the crux of the problem. When someone like you, who is clearly strong, capable and supportive, then needs help from those who normally depend on you, this is often difficult because they simply don't know how to help you - your friend is simply more self absorbed, so probably just perceives you as not responsive to her needs!!!
In my family dynamics, I am the one that 'sorts things' - so practical and sensible - but if I'm going through a tough time or I'm ill, I hear mutterings of 'she's being difficult' !!!

I see your dilemma as being not about you but about your friend being selfish - so you have to let this go as it's her problem and nothing to do with you. DG x

[CLKD]

I've split your post in order to read it more easily.

You should have been better supported by the medical profession in that HRT could have been prescribed in order to protect heart and bones!  Given the fact that you were presumably under regular hospital appts., at a time when you were unable to conceive, your hormonal future should have been considered.  However.  If the ADs work, stick with them.  Some do help hot flushes etc. ;-)


But despite everything that's happened I feel the hardest part and the most saddening is the effect and break down of my friendship with my best friend. We have been like sisters since we were 16.



It may be that if she hasn't been through infertility or menopause that she has no empathy?  Therefore you may have come over as 'clingy' and if you are ageing at the same time, she may be less able to cope with problems from others? ** Although you have eased her personal experiences, sadly support don't always get reciprocated.  I understand where you are kind of coming from, when I moved miles away from a very tight circle of friends I was the 1 who had to keep in touch - otherwise I heard zilch.  I was aware that their lives were now running parallel to mine, but *I* was the one who had moved .......... 

 I've had so many other friends around me that have supported me and reminded me that I'm a great friend to them and that they are here for me. Friends I never expected. - maybe they weren't as heavily involved or maybe you didn't see them as often?  Therefore they didn't feel hemmed in by your situation? 
 
" she responded that I wasn't a burden but she did feel she was walking on eggshells around me. "  she has responded with this so even if you don't feel it, you do realise that you haven't 'been yourself' and may not be aware of how you 'came over' to others.  Certainly it's a fault of my own  and friends have to pull me up occaionsly.  I get a bit grumpy when they do  'cos I don't see it.

Friends have boundaries and strengths too.  It would be arrogant for any of us to believe that we really know everything about another, however closely lives are entwined.   Maybe she had situations that she was finding difficult when you were with her?  Perhaps she couldn't get a word in edgeways? or didn't like to interrupt in order to make the convesation less one-sided.

R U still in contact with her?   You didn't like her response about 'eggshells' but the truth often hurts!  Friends should be honest with each other.  White lies when necessary .........

Have you had contact with the Daisy web-site?


**. I have had to back off from listening to my Mother as I've been feeling quite unwell in recent weeks.  I have visited with her less without being too open about why as I need to sort stuff B4 I next go to see her. 

[CLKD]

   browse round.  Make notes!

[emmab1973]

Hello there, I have just been told I am peri and sat down by myself the other day and though back of all the stupid arguments I have had with my bf over really not very much at all. It is hard to admit how we actually are during this. I could honestly of had a row with myself in the mirror some days!
So this morning I bought a hamper of nice things he likes, chocolate, biscuits etc and popped a little note in to say I am sorry for being a menopausal loon because I really have been, but so thankful for the love and support, I bet if you bought your friend a little bunch of flowers and gave her a big hug she would really appreciate it. As much as I would like to say menopause is all about me me me it really does effect everyone around us.
I hope you start to feel better about yourself soon, if you buy some flowers for your friend, get yourself a bunch too, you bloody deserve it xx

 

[Suzi Q]

Hi Ladies,
I won't go over all the history leading up to my present situation but in brief, I'm 43, single, no children despite IVF and now I'm infertile. I started the menopause at 40 although i've only officially found out in the past 6 months. I've had a very, very difficult 18 months - 2 years which would have challenged anybody, without the added symptoms of an early menopause. For someone who has been used to dealing with all that life has had to throw at them, and someone who considers themselves pretty resilient, even I'm surprised that I've managed to cope with everything lately, particularly during this difficult process. In addition Ive not been able to use HRT so I've had to cope with it without it albeit recently I've been prescribed antidepressants which have been a great help.
But despite everything that's happened I feel the hardest part and the most saddening is the effect and break down of my friendship with my best friend. We have been like sisters since we were 16. I know that everything I have been through recently has had an effect on me but I genuinely feel I have handled it as well as can be expected and better than most. Having no partner through all of this has probably resulted in me depending or relying on her support more than normal and I guess there have been instances where I may have been more sensitive or emotional or even over reacted more than I normally would have. But as we all know, menopause effects us emotionally, physically and mentally and it's been such a testing and challenging time having to  deal with so much aswell as cope with early menopause that it's bound to take its toll. None of my peers are going through this at such an early age so they don't understand but I have tried to reach out to her and never thought I'd ever doubt that I'd be able to rely on her support but she has made me feel like such a pressure friend and a burden. It's even more upsetting as I have been there for her so much over the years and have helped her through some difficult times. I've gone above and beyond for her for many years and would never have made her feel this way, no matter how bad things got. So I challenged her and told her how i felt and she responded that I wasn't a burden but she did feel she was walking on eggshells around me. But I genuinely don't feel I have. Sure, I haven't been myself, and I may have even shown some frustration at the lack of her support which I guess is out of character, but it just seems that anything I raise is put down to my ‘hormones'. I've had so many other friends around me that have supported me and reminded me that I'm a great friend to them and that they are here for me. Friends I never expected.
But I've never had anyone make me feel I'm difficult to be around or that I'm hard work. I don't know if it's because I'm usually so laid back or I'm the one that my friends usually turn too for support and she's not used to this side of me where I'm a little more outspoken or acting a bit needy of support but isn't that what friends are there for? She knows that hat I don't have any parents or much in the way of family so I'm just so shocked by what's happened.
Apologies for waffling on. This process is so difficult it makes you question yourself and your behaviour and makes you feel like you're going a bit crazy. Thanks for listening. I suppose I wondered if any of you have experienced anything similar?

Andrea xxx

Sid 😙
What clkd said is spot on. You might not like it much but its honest.
If you were the strong one ever there for you bff then shes never seen you any other way
Egg shells oh thats so true i went over at 37 i was the boss of 3 stores i was the b troll from hell one moment crying the next, doom the next, then ok  but my moods swung badly. I had loads of pals younger and same age but not one who were menopausal.
I had know one to talk too. This was years before face or even the old 2000 chat room dys
My marriage was affected thats when i realised how bad id become. We are still happily married 42 yrs 43 in March. It was hard to accept i had a problem it was me not them.
Its so b...y hard they dont call it the change for nothing you know sweetie.
Im also a firm believer people come and go in our lives. Its very rare by 60 to have had a bff for 40 odd years or even 20 odd. The people you felt helped you werent the ones you expected. As clkd said maybe because they werent your bffs they could stand and see you struggle and want to help. In other words they could be compasionate dispassionately.  Yes oxymoron but it makes sence.
Perhaps you need to just let go. She seems to be unable to empithise with you.
Sometimes in life we all see that in someone we thought of as bbfs for ever.
I know i did bffs from 80 to 2000 she during that time couldnt cope she just didnt have the empithy chip. Our bff relationship shifted. We just became chums not bffs i didnt speak about my problems i stopped being open.  It stopped me getting hurt.
7 years later as she was 8 yrs younger than me meno kicked in for her.  She ranted and raved cried etc. Im sad to admit she got little sympathy from me i wasnt unkind just uncaring did i feel bad ? No i didnt. Move forward sweetie youve had enough rubbish.
Let her go shes not going to change. Move on. And i do understand the loss of a bff xxx

[Ju Ju]

Sometimes relationships founder or hopefully just stutter, when what made them successful shifts. It might be a bit of space will be healthy, but leaving the door open for the future might be a better way to go. You have been good for each other for many years. Nothing can change that. As you say, she feels she has to walk on glass around you. Believe me that can be very stressful and sometimes it is necessary for your own wellbeing to take a step back. It easier for less emotionally involved people to give support. Let them be there for you. Try not to judge yourself and your friend. One other thing is no one can MAKE you feel anything! I am sure your friend is not trying to inflict pain on you! The feelings you have are a reflection of past or present pain. If you were in a good place emotionally, you wouldn't be feeling like this regardless of how she behaved. Be kind to yourself.

[SIDL02]

Ladies, I can't thank you all enough for replying and offering your support. It has meant so much and I have taken on board your thoughts and advice. It's sometimes just nice to hear you're not alone and others have and are experiencing the same issues.
The nature of what we are going through all to often makes us question our feelings and reactions towards matters that we probably wouldn't have questioned previously.
After reading your comments it made me think a lot about my expectations of others. A good friend of mine said to me that I need to lower my expectations of friends and she's right. But I also need those friends who have been reliant on me over the years to lower their expectations of me aswell.
Since my post my best friend has been in touch. I had taken a step back and put a little distance and time between us to take on board your advice and not react too quickly or irrationally. I think it also allowed her some time to think about the friendship and not feel under any pressure. It proved the right thing to do as when she phoned she said she misses me so mucn and loves me dearly.  It was nice to hear but I'm going to continue to be less reliant on her. I'm going to Australia on Monday to visit a friend. I haven't had a holiday in four years due to starting my business so I'm very much looking forward to it. I said to her let's catchup when I get back which will give us a bit more time and distance which I think will be good for us both. Although on Sunday i'll see her as I'm going to have her little boy for half a day. He's my 6 year old godson and I have been a big part in his life since he was born. My best friend separated with her partner when he was 6 months old and they came to live with me for a while and I've played a very active roll in his upbringing ever since. Something I feel utterly blessed to have been a part of and has brought me so much happiness over the years.
This process has been so challenging, worsened by the early onset for me and the subsequent lack of peers who understand what it's like. So having you all to talk too really is such a huge help.
Thanks again xx

[CLKD]

Oh do enjoy Australia!   Postcards ? 

Friends are allowed to fall out occasionally or disagree.  Maybe drop her some text messages whilst you are away so that she doesn't feel completely bereft ;-)

I have found that different people have filled different needs 4 me in more recent years.  I am no longer as reliant as I was in my younger days because Life alters almost on a daily level for all of us!

[JaneinPen]

Enjoy Sidlo2 and glad you found our collective advice helpful