Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[MIS71MUM]

That's the only way to describe it today - I feel like I've forgotten how to fly!

I've had a period of 3 good weeks then seem to have hit a crater in the road right now and can't seem to get myself back up.  Does anyone else feel like that?

I'm also struggling to get food down my throat, my IBS is bad, can't concentrate, feel frightened of everything, have irrational spinning thoughts, memories keep popping into my head and dont feel like I'm living in the present, feeling confused and generally keep wishing my life away.

Who know's what to do next?  I feel like I need to be feisty to get heard at my GP's but haven't the energy.

Did I mention tearful too 

[CLKD]

Oh I was like that in the 1990s, severely depressed; no energy; spinning thoughts; deeply afraid.  Appropriate medication sorted it eventually but I still have racing thoughts sometimes.

Might I suggest my coping strategies?  As a recovering anorexic I have a safe food list: Hot Bovril with toast; dry fruits and nuts to nibble which gives me energy without having to do too much; dried packets of cereal, you know, those small packets in a mixed set; pancakes - the mix can be made and kept in the fridge for a couple of days to be eaten immediately the body feels hungry; thinly sliced chicken on a bed of plain, boiled rice.  Ginger and garlic can ease gut problems too as can Actimel.  It is so hard to start eating again.

What type of IBS do you have?  My GP gave me Colpermin and Motillium - both to be swallowed within an hour of eating main meals in order to increase the gut spasm to move food through the digestive system.  Worked after 3 days though I don't think that the latter is still available.

Keep hydrated.  Be kind to yourself.  Maybe speak to a Practice Nurse if you can't face the GP? and see if there is a MIND walk-in service in your area, somewhere to simple sit.  And be.

[MIS71MUM]

Thanks for your reply CLKD.
I seem to improve as the day goes on - luckily i'm at work so it does help to distract me.  Yesterday I didnt feel like eating but today I have improved a bit.  I haven't done any work though and that does worry me as I can't go on like this forever.
Decided I'm going to increase my oestrogen again as have really felt in the last month that my levels have totally dipped.
Hopefully the next few days will be better than the last.

[Biker Chick]

HI MIS71MUM I totally understand how you feel. I'm having a particularly bad day today, have only just stopped crying after dragging my sorry ass out of bed. Today is one of those 'what is the point' days.  Everything you said I totally understand.
I'm at loggerheads with my fella who contacted an 'old friend' who he used to work with until he had to take early retirement through ill health. The problem is this old friend is also an ex girlfriend who he lived with, granted it was a long time ago but they worked together for 30 years. She is married and has now moved away from the area as her husband has got a new job. I know she isn't a threat as such but they get on so well. When they speak on the phone his face lights up and his whole demeanour is happier unlike when we talk.I don't even have to ask who he is speaking to I just know. He cut off contact with her in April because he told me that he thinks he is still in love with her (on the same day I found out I was losing my job!) yet only sees her as a friend. I said I couldn't cope with this and said the only way we could make a go of our relationship is if he didn't speak to her again. He phoned her and said that he explained to her that I have a problem with her because he still has feelings for her so she agreed to leave him alone. Since then there has been an underlying resentment towards me because of this.He can't understand why I have such a problem when she is only a 'friend'. It's like she is a drug. She certainly can do no wrong and he won't hear a word said against her. Then out of the blue she sent an email to a number of her ex colleagues giving details of her new mobile number and email address. She sent it to him as he was still on her contact list obviously. He deleted it but of course the information is still there in his delete box. He is struggling himself at the moment because he is 'lost' after giving up his job due to a heart attack he had last year. I stupidly suggested the other night that he should do what he needs to do to make himself happy and if that includes ringing this woman then do.  I don't know what I was thinking of. Because of my depression I'm not thinking straight and thought I would be able to cope if he contacted her. I was so very wrong.I had barely left his house and arrived home than he text me to say he had phoned her and it was nice to catch up with her. We had a massive row and I haven't stopped crying since. I know I'm no fun at the moment because of the way I feel. I hate everything about myself and I just wanted him to be happy but I have made a big mistake. I have spoken to close friends and they said I should walk away from this relationship and he is only thinking about himself and not supporting me even though I have been there for him every step of the way since he had his heart attack. I am so miserable, nothing in my life seems to be going right at the moment. I have had two horrible years. I try and pull myself together because there are so many people out there who are going through so much worse than me but it's like a light has been switched off inside me. Sorry to everyone for the waffle but I just feel rock bottom today. Any suggestions?
I hope you feel more like your old self soon MIS71MUM. CLKD's advice seems to be have some good suggestions in it. We are all in this quagmire together so just know that you are not alone. Take care x

[CLKD]

HI MIS71MUM I totally understand how you feel. I'm having a particularly bad day today, have only just stopped crying after dragging my sorry ass out of bed. Today is one of those 'what is the point' days.  Everything you said I totally understand.

I'm at loggerheads with my fella who contacted an 'old friend' who he used to work with until he had to take early retirement through ill health. The problem is this old friend is also an ex girlfriend who he lived with, granted it was a long time ago but they worked together for 30 years. She is married and has now moved away from the area as her husband has got a new job.

 I know she isn't a threat as such but they get on so well. When they speak on the phone his face lights up and his whole demeanour is happier unlike when we talk.I don't even have to ask who he is speaking to I just know. He cut off contact with her in April because he told me that he thinks he is still in love with her (on the same day I found out I was losing my job!) yet only sees her as a friend. I said I couldn't cope with this and said the only way we could make a go of our relationship is if he didn't speak to her again.

He phoned her and said that he explained to her that I have a problem with her because he still has feelings for her so she agreed to leave him alone. Since then there has been an underlying resentment towards me because of this.He can't understand why I have such a problem when she is only a 'friend'. It's like she is a drug. She certainly can do no wrong and he won't hear a word said against her.

Then out of the blue she sent an email to a number of her ex colleagues giving details of her new mobile number and email address. She sent it to him as he was still on her contact list obviously. He deleted it but of course the information is still there in his delete box. He is struggling himself at the moment because he is 'lost' after giving up his job due to a heart attack he had last year. I stupidly suggested the other night that he should do what he needs to do to make himself happy and if that includes ringing this woman then do. 

I don't know what I was thinking of. Because of my depression I'm not thinking straight and thought I would be able to cope if he contacted her. I was so very wrong.  I had barely left his house and arrived home than he text me to say he had phoned her and it was nice to catch up with her. We had a massive row and I haven't stopped crying since. I know I'm no fun at the moment because of the way I feel. I hate everything about myself and I just wanted him to be happy but I have made a big mistake.

I have spoken to close friends and they said I should walk away from this relationship and he is only thinking about himself and not supporting me even though I have been there for him every step of the way since he had his heart attack. I am so miserable, nothing in my life seems to be going right at the moment. I have had two horrible years. I try and pull myself together because there are so many people out there who are going through so much worse than me but it's like a light has been switched off inside me. Sorry to everyone for the waffle but I just feel rock bottom today. Any suggestions?

I hope you feel more like your old self soon MIS71MUM.

CLKD's advice seems to be have some good suggestions in it. We are all in this quagmire together so just know that you are not alone. Take care x

[CLKD]

Have split the response so that I can read it better.

Firstly: you are both working through the loss of jobs that you probably both enjoyed, even if not, they filled gaps in your daily living.  One needs to grieve.  Loss of job.  Loss of status, friends, routine can all cause sadness.

I have been in touch with a lad I first met at age 9, fell in love with, saw intermittently for years whilst growing up.  When I was 16 I fell in love with the man I eventually married but have kept in touch with the lad on and off.  He is married and deeply entwined with my family history.

Maybe she is 'safe' - he may still love her but that doesn't mean he will leave you!  This needs to be brought into the open so that you don't both fester.  She is part of his history which no one can understand nor change.  Why are you reading his mobile 'phone  - I would never go there!  Nor would I tolerate my husband opening my mail.

He was open in that he spoke with her.  Because he is 'happy' when in contact doesn't mean that he thinks of you any less.  We all react to different people in different ways.  You feel vulnerable.  Therefore .........

Maybe ask if you could go for counselling together?  Or use the wooden spoon method and no, it's not about whacking each other  .  One needs a mediator for this.  If you ask him out-right if he wants to leave he will probably deny that suggestion so you won't be any further forwards.  Think back why you got together, chat with him about what attracted you initially etc..  Go back into courting mode ;-)

[MIS71MUM]

Hi Biker Chick
Yes I agree with CLKD, looking for the positives, he told you that he'd been in touch with her.
Have you thought about having some time apart maybe?

Tonight I'm going to research some books on low self esteem as I think we are both suffering from it. Maybe you could do the same as it's a positive step to looking after ourselves.

[CLKD]

I remember being really sensitive in the 1990s, hyper or really low.  Nothing was 'right'.  Nothing worked.  And don't ask me how I am  . unless there's a box of Kleenex to hand.

Also, men really have to have stuff explained, word by simple word - as they really don't hear what we actually mean!

[Biker Chick]

Thank you CLKD and MIS71MUM. Just wanted to clarify I haven't looked at his phone or his email. He showed me when he received the email giving her new contact information and I only know it's still in his delete box because he didn't permanently delete it.

Yes I suppose you are right that he is open about the fact that she has contacted him. Yes maybe we should go into courting mode again.

You are right MIS71MUM I do still have self esteem issues even more so at the moment due to the menopause. In fact I have had hypnotherapy on a few occasions to try and rectify it so I am a lot better than I was. My fella used to work in the theatre when we first met and he was forever regaling how beautiful his colleagues were or how stunning the singers were, most of the time when he was drunk and then couldn't remember what he had said.  I was so jealous but truthfully those feelings have gone now, thanks to the hypnotherapy, it's just I'm having real trouble dealing with this particular woman maybe because of his strength of feeling. Somehow I'm going to have deal with this situation because she is not going anywhere and will always be hovering in the background, either that or I will have to call it a day on our relationship.

Maybe hypnotherapy may work for you MIS71MUM. I was thinking of going again to see if it will help with my menopause symptoms and depression.
You are right CLKD men definitely need stuff explaining to them word by simple word because they definitely don't hear what we actually mean, sometimes I think I'm talking double dutch to my fella. Thanks to you both for your comments. Hope you are both OK x

[CLKD]

Tnx for asking.  Not too bad.  Maybe sit down and actually listen to each other a few times a week?  Could you contact her too for a chat so that she is aware that you are 'real' 

[Snoooze]

Hi Biker Chick,
Well I can't blame you for being upset when he told you he thinks he's still in love with her. That's rather a harsh thing to say to a girlfriend. At least he is being completely honest with you about this woman rather than hiding things which would be worse. It's hard in relationships as sometimes there is more give than take from one partner than the other. Your friends say you should end things but it's your decision. Make a list of what you love about him and what you dislike/hate about him and see what that looks like. I'm not sure I would be happy if my boyfriend was chatting to an old friend who he was in love with. I would be quite insulted actually as surely, he's meant to be in love with you, not her?
I hope things work themselves out for you.

[CLKD]

Maybe ask if he loves the shared history with this woman, rather than 'being in love'?  Men don't explain stuff well sometimes  and like Snoooze, I would be insulted as well as hurt ........

[Snoooze]

It's probably because he had to give up work and is bored no doubt and so chatting to this  woman and remembering the good times they had working together probably brings him a bit of joy if he hated having to give up work.  Have you asked him how he would feel if it was you chatting to an ex and saying you think you may still be in love with him? Unfortunately, men can be clueless and don't realise the things they say and do are hurtful.

[Biker Chick]

Hi Everyone, thanks for your comments and support.

Things have come to a head regarding this woman he used to work with. We had a massive row last night about her as I said I couldn't cope anymore with her hanging in the background. Anyway I thought the same thing as you CLKD and I suggested I speak to her so asked him for her number. He text her and asked if he could give me her number, she said she thought the request to speak to her was odd and tiresome ( I was seething!). Long story short, we came to blows and I all but ended it but after speaking to one of our close friends she spoke to my fella to put my point across and be a kind of mediator and he said he doesn't love this woman and although he seems happy when he speaks to her its not because of her its because they talk about work so he feels like he is still involved. He said he is not remotely interested in her and only said he was because he said I kept going on about their relationship and on that particular day when he said it he had drunk too much and said he loved her because I wouldn't let up. He said she has become like a scab in our relationship that I won't stop picking. If only he'd explained all this it would have stopped a lot of heartache. My friend said I need to draw a line under this otherwise it it going to eat away at me or I need to finish with him if I can't move on. I agree and told him we need to draw a line under this and try and move on.  This relationship malarchy is hard work isn't it even more so when you are not in your right mind as I am at the moment. I'm going to contact a counsellor and my hypnotherapist next week to see if they can help me with my depression.

You are right Snooze, men are clueless and don't realise the things they say and do are hurtful.

How are you doing MIS71MUM?

Hope you have all had a good day today and enjoy the rest of your weekend. I'm finding this forum really helpful and it is having a positive effect on me so thank you everyone x 

[CLKD]

He has a drink problem then?  Maybe suggest a dry 3 months until Feb. and see what his reaction is?

What he said: regardless of the cause: is in my opinion inappropriate.  What was he trying to achieve by saying that he 'loves' her?  He needs to think carefully about what he stands to lose !  I would suggest that you both go to relate!!