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[Lizab]

I am feeling incredibly lonely lately. I am fine when there are social events and appointments to go to or evenings when my husband and children are home. I could join some groups or classes to fill my schedule, but that's not realistic right now. For one, I don't have the energy to keep a packed schedule. And similarly, I already have difficulty committing and following through as I never know when I'll have a crap day and have to cancel. I think I've expressed in this forum before how I no longer enjoy shopping, or really anything where I'm wandering aimlessly, thanks to the pop-up fatigue, flushes, and panics. I do meet up with friends very occasionally. I've recently fallen out with my closest friend, so I know that's part of it. Mostly I think it's that I've always been perfectly content to be alone so I don't understand this feeling or what to do with it. If I have any alone time when I'm well, I feel lonely, even if only a few hours. Of course if I'm struggling with fatigue, I'm grateful for the down time. Anyone relate?

[CLKD]

Did you do a lot with the ex-friend?  Is this where the gap is most likely noticeable?

Could you volunteer in the back room of a charity, sorting books, ironing clothes, sorting hangers?

[KatyB]

I relate, sufficiently that I'm completely reorganising my working arrangements to ensure I have more time with people....falling out with a close friend is definitely part of your feeling, so maybe explore how and why? But just to say that you will find that having a good time with people can result when you make yourself make the effort....I know its hard. Other thing I found helpful was walking the dog in the park, random strangers come up to you and chat to the dog! Most animal charities keen to have even occasional volunteers....Anyway, big hug and hope you are feeling a bit less low and a bit heard!

[Lizab]

I'm sure that is part of the gap but it's completely beyond my control. I don't have any other friends nearby that I don't have to make myself and my house nice for. I lived most of my adult life without a best friend nearby, so I don't think this is my entire problem though surely a part of it.

As for volunteering, I wouldn't even want to be in a back room sort of position. I'm craving people and you really need to commit to volunteer in a position where you'll interact with people. You can't sign up to serve meals or whatnot and cancel last minute. While I'm doing very well at the moment, I still have the rug pulled out from under me regularly enough that I'm afraid to commit to things.

I suppose I'm experiencing a little depression. Now that I'm finally feeling a bit better I'm wanting to dive back into pre-meno life but still feeling restrained by this "change". It really does limit women at times, doesn't it? For now I'll focus on the progress since this started and count on this strange lonesome feeling to pass too as I continue, at whatever pace, to get back to normal.

[CLKD]

I can't sign up to much these days.  In case panic over-takes me 

[Jimsmrs]

Yes I can relate to your post

I moved from Liverpool to Scotland 10 years ago, left my friends and social circle.
I have acquaintances here, but no real 'pal' to go shopping with etc. I joined a fitness class and yes it does help, but it's not the same, sometimes I get so bored and frustrated  which then sometimes does have an impact on my depression.
Reach out to your friend, even if you just send her a card or something like that

Jimsmrs x

[Lizab]

I'm thankful that the panic and anxiety seems to be easing up. I think in part because I am learning to recognize what is a flush coming. Before my blood levels proved it was menopause, I was sure I was having panic attacks or heart trouble.  Then even knowing I was changing, I was not fully convinced it was all hormonal and that the lack of periods wasn't a side effect of something bigger that the doctors were missing. Now when I feel that panicky sensation, I can usually gracefully excuse myself if I can't put it to the back of my mind and carry on. However some days are still impossible, and I haven't yet learned to predict when those will be. I used to never schedule anything day 2 of my period and try to keep the other days of my period light and easy. Funny how I considered it a curse but hindsight shows it was a luxury to know when your ups and downs would fall.

[CLKD]

What hobbies do you have?

[Tempest]

Oh, Liza! I'm in EXACTLY the same boat as you, dear heart! No energy to do things, and as I said to you before - we share almost identical symptoms too. If I'm alone and feeling well for a while, I feel incredibly lonely too.

Please feel free to reach out any time - we're all here. Although you are many miles across the pond, please know that your sisters here care and are just a heartbeat away.

Much love,

Tempest xxxxxx

[dangermouse]

Hi Lizab,

Sorry to hear you're feeling lonely. Are you aware what you're thinking about when on your own and getting hit with this? As you said you used to be content in your own company then it could either be any physical effects on your hormones (where they affect Serotonin etc.) or perhaps you're having more negative thoughts because of changing circumstances.

The key to not being lonely (as you probably know from how you used to be) is to enjoy your own company primarily and then enjoy social times on top of that. We have a lot of chatter in our heads so it's really about that being enjoyable and rational rather than alarming and irrational.

I've just come back from Spain where I went for a few days and was on my own (as mainly to sort some business) and I, as I do in London, still went out for the evenings to restaurants and I even had a little dance in one of the bars on my way home one night! We are social animals but we don't have to be in conversation to be social, we can just be around people and enjoying our own thoughts, plus reading etc. when we do start boring ourselves!

Finding likeminded people to enjoy your time with is also important and I completely get your concerns about having to cancel last minute but people will understand. Perhaps finding somewhere like a social club around your hobbies (exercise, music, golf, art etc.) means you can choose to go or not and others will still have other people there if you can't make it.

You could also reach back out to your friend if you think she's a positive influence in your life.

[Oncology sue]

Hi was just the same as you was diagnosed with menapausal depresion thats why i decided to go on the hrt everol to give them a try so i no how you fealing but just stick to it if you can i have only been on them a week and still waiting for a miracle cure lol but if you need to talk will be here for you babe.

[babyjane]

I am not lonely but I like my own company, or a one to one meet up.  I can't be doing with group situations any more.  I felt guilty being antisocial but now I am what I am and I feel much better if I don't force things but go with what makes me feel comfortable.

I have also let a close friend go because it had become terribly one sided and was all take take and no give any more.  Friendship can't work like that, it needs to be 2 way to work.

[Lizab]

Thanks girls for the support! Dangermouse, you have given me several ideas to think about and reframe my mindset. This is exactly what I needed! When I posted, and still today, I could not put my finger on why I cannot shake the lonely. It is about that internal chatter and some life circumstances. I think the hormones are part of it as well, affecting my ability to cope without having to consciously address it. My entire I have always had goals dominating that internal chatter and currently I am a bit overwhelmed and lost as far as goals go. Lately it's dominated by negative stress and impossibilities. I think I slipped into this lack of direction some time ago, but my ex-friend has until now distracted me from realizing it. I didn't really think too much about what to do with myself when I had someone calling and making plans for me almost every day. All right, I am rambling away my thoughts on here but you have turned me toward some things I think I need to explore. Thank you so much!

Babyjane, people have always jokingly called me antisocial, homebody, and hermit. I never minded being social but needed more time alone than most seem to need. That is partly why I'm so confused by this lonely feeling.

[dangermouse]

Glad we could help! What we think about is how we feel so it's about keeping perspective on our troubles and trying to rationalise them to accept or find other options (a bit like if we were giving advice to a friend). Then to also think about nice things and, like you say, goals and the future when it's right for you.

Distractions can be great in the short term but it's always good to come back and process stuff so it doesn't bite you on the bum later!

The main thing to remember is that everything will work out in the end, because it always does. 

[CLKD]

I've been lonely in a crowded room.