Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[kiltgirl]

Hi,

was wondering if any of you could share some advice on how to not be a horrible mother when you constant PMS symptoms?

I can't even remember the person I used to be, don't feel like I've laughed in such a long time. I'm a single mum to a 9.5 year old, I don't have any family of my own, but her dad has a large family who all adore her.

Actions speak louder than words and I can tell her til I'm blue in the face how wonderful and loved she is and then proceed to nag about the mess and snap at her because she just asked 6 questions in a row without drawing breath, or get annoyed because she accidentally tickled my leg sitting next to me on the sofa...I can hear myself going on at her sometimes and telling myself to just shut up but it doesn't seem to work. Of course if I know I'm being out of order I will tell her and tell her the reason.

I feel as though I'm ruining her childhood and the thought of that destroys me. She's a beautiful person and I'm so lucky to have her, she's also really sensitive and I can see her face sometimes when I'm being moody.

She's also worried about me as I've been so low and knows I'm going to have an operation sometime soon (hysterectomy) which doesn't help. I don't know what to do...trying so hard to be a good mother, it shouldn't be so hard, I just can't help being so changeable

If anyone has some magic words or a way to explain to her what's going on...she knows about hormones, she's been getting a little bit that way herself and we talk about it, I hope because of this she won't think (as I did) that she's just going crazy sometimes..

thank you for reading x

[dahliagirl]

Ah yes - I had one of those mothers    and no-one wants to be that mother.

Trouble was, she never explained anything, and when she tried, it was in aggressive accusatory tones.  I was really glad to leave home. 

Maybe have some easy reading material scattered around (like the MM magazine?) - I learned a lot on the QT from my Grandma's Womans Weekly.

Is she away at her father's regularly - if so make sure you get some proper 'me time' to recharge your batteries and look after yourself, or find a new interest.  To look after her, you need to be giving yourself what you need.  It will make those little things less irritating.

I used to find my son very irritating at that age - he is very definitely his own person - but he has never fitted into my idea of what he should be.  One of his teachers (the very good one) remarked that he had a very well developed sense of humour.  It made me step back and realise I had been getting him all wrong.  It is always good to have a new perspective.

[CLKD]

It is hard work, parenting!  Do you have contact with her father? 

9+ are ages when children become selfish, 'me, me, me' …… have you sat her down to explain that these things called hormones can get out of control and make women snappy. [her time will come but no need to go into that with her yet].  Maybe let her choose a 'buzz' word for when she thinks you are OTT!  Even my spaniel used to shrug her shoulders and wander away when I had shouty moments  ……..

You are full of guilt so tell her.  That way she can say if you really are 'spoiling' her childhood.  Will she do more around the house, maybe giving her a responsibility of i.e. sorting her laundry, keeping her room and the bathroom clean etc. when you are feeling un-well?  Let her choose a different chore each week; does she cook?

Have a chat with her teachers in the New Year.  See how she is in School which will give you an idea of how she is coping generally. 

The main thing is to eat regularly.  NAPS advised me when I *suffered* with PMT to eat every 3 hours, even during the night if I had to get out of bed.  At the time I had a puppy who needed 'out' in the early hours …… so grazing eased any sugar dips which caused intense nausea and/or irritability.  That is, eating every 3 hours, 24/7 ……

Let us know what your daughter suggests.

[MIS71MUM]

Hi Kiltgirl
Reading your post made me cry. I feel exactly the same like I want to scream at mine tonight and have already shouted at them.

I know it's really hard and have no magic words - just wish I did.

It sometimes helps to leave the room and count to 10.

Take care x

[walking the dog]

Kiktgirl
Mis71 mum has good advice about counting to Ten and leaving room . Recently I have been practicing STOP and that's literally what you do when you feel your getting upset or angry just STOP and say to yourself what's happening here, deep breathe, I'm ok.
I'm sure your a great mum but no ones perfect, be knd to yourself xx

[Annie0710]

Your daughter sounds lovely and a huge input of that is down to you so pat yourself on the back for the good you've done

I think you have to be careful how you explain things

if you apologise in advance and blame your hormones you're losing parental authority in a way.  I've got a 21 year old but I'd never say to him look I'm hormonal excuse my moodiness as I can just imagine every time I have a justifiable moan at him he'd come back with "hormones playing up?!"

I'd tackle each situation as it arises and apologise THEN if you feel you're in the wrong.

And it's not just kids, my friend and I had another friend who was born a moody cow but as her periods were going haywire she got worse.  My friend and I used to say she needs to sort her hormones out then work on her personality

Don't give the ammo is my opinion, but if you're wrong say so and just say mummy is tired or something

She'll probably not too far away be preoccupied with her hormones and I doubt she'll give a hoot about yours

X

[kiltgirl]

Ah yes - I had one of those mothers    and no-one wants to be that mother.

Trouble was, she never explained anything, and when she tried, it was in aggressive accusatory tones.  I was really glad to leave home. 

Maybe have some easy reading material scattered around (like the MM magazine?) - I learned a lot on the QT from my Grandma's Womans Weekly.

Is she away at her father's regularly - if so make sure you get some proper 'me time' to recharge your batteries and look after yourself, or find a new interest.  To look after her, you need to be giving yourself what you need.  It will make those little things less irritating.

I used to find my son very irritating at that age - he is very definitely his own person - but he has never fitted into my idea of what he should be.  One of his teachers (the very good one) remarked that he had a very well developed sense of humour.  It made me step back and realise I had been getting him all wrong.  It is always good to have a new perspective.

I had one of those mothers too dahliagirl, and she made me feel it was my fault, she was always so angry. I left home as soon as I could too! I know that I won't make my daughter feel this way because I do talk to her but I don't want to make her feel anxious all the time either because she doesn't know what kind of mood I'm going to be in!

She does go to her dad's alternate weekends so I can zone out then, don't usually feel motivated to do much but is just nice to not have any demands etc. I admit I'm rubbish at looking after myself when anxious, which is all the time at the moment...I think I need to revisit some CBT techniques maybe...thanks for replying x

[kiltgirl]

It is hard work, parenting!  Do you have contact with her father? 

9+ are ages when children become selfish, 'me, me, me' …… have you sat her down to explain that these things called hormones can get out of control and make women snappy. [her time will come but no need to go into that with her yet].  Maybe let her choose a 'buzz' word for when she thinks you are OTT!  Even my spaniel used to shrug her shoulders and wander away when I had shouty moments  ……..

You are full of guilt so tell her.  That way she can say if you really are 'spoiling' her childhood.  Will she do more around the house, maybe giving her a responsibility of i.e. sorting her laundry, keeping her room and the bathroom clean etc. when you are feeling un-well?  Let her choose a different chore each week; does she cook?

Have a chat with her teachers in the New Year.  See how she is in School which will give you an idea of how she is coping generally. 

The main thing is to eat regularly.  NAPS advised me when I *suffered* with PMT to eat every 3 hours, even during the night if I had to get out of bed.  At the time I had a puppy who needed 'out' in the early hours …… so grazing eased any sugar dips which caused intense nausea and/or irritability.  That is, eating every 3 hours, 24/7 ……

Let us know what your daughter suggests.

Thank you that's good advice, I do try to get her to take responsibility for stuff around the house, this is where I end up nagging though as she does it enthusiastically for a little while then can't be bothered...

Maybe we need a written agreement with financial incentives

I know her teacher thinks she's really quite cool, we just had a parents evening where she said she's one of the most 'reflective' kids she has, (not in a shiny way) and she is funny, lil bit of a clown but mostly i just find it irritating, after school in Tesco today she nearly drove me mental just by being excited about Xmas...

I think maybe I don't give her enough responsibility because I find it hard to share that aspect of things, food for thought, I think that needs some work x

[kiltgirl]

Hi Kiltgirl
Reading your post made me cry. I feel exactly the same like I want to scream at mine tonight and have already shouted at them.

I know it's really hard and have no magic words - just wish I did.

It sometimes helps to leave the room and count to 10.

Take care x

Ah I'm sorry Mis71Mum, it does make it a bit better to know you're not alone though...sometimes you just want it all to just leave you the **** alone!

I've never managed much in the way of mindfulness when like this, will give it a go, maybe I need to give myself time-outs...I've just bought my girl a futon sofa bunkbed that she absolutely loves and has been spending more time in her room, I think this benefits both of us although I do miss her being next to me all the time! x

[kiltgirl]

Kiktgirl
Mis71 mum has good advice about counting to Ten and leaving room . Recently I have been practicing STOP and that's literally what you do when you feel your getting upset or angry just STOP and say to yourself what's happening here, deep breathe, I'm ok.
I'm sure your a great mum but no ones perfect, be knd to yourself xx

Hi WTD, what is STOP? I will give it a google, anything that might make me feel I'm more in control of my actions will be very welcome. Deep breaths will also help, I find myself holding my breath all the time, really not helpful...not the greatest role model for a young girl!

[kiltgirl]

Hi Kiltgirl,
I felt the same as Mis71Mum as well, I got tears in my eyes reading your post. I am struggling as not only am I in peri, but I have two teenagers plus think my youngest is starting puberty. Our house is just full of hormones and it is a real struggle for me plus my husband is getting fed up of it all!
My daughter was your daughters age when she started going through puberty. I remember her Teacher said to me 'it's her hormones' and I said isn't she too young and she said no! I bought her a book called 'What's Happening to Me' it's aimed at girls from age 9 and explains what happens during puberty. Now this may be a good idea as it explains about moods etc and you can read it together and you can then explain that is what happens to you and why you get annoyed etc sometimes.
Motherhood is hard and harder still when you're a single parent. I know the guilt feelings myself and I do get upset thinking they're having a rubbish life at present but I'm hoping it will have no lingering effects.
Take care x

thank you Megamind...

the book seems a good idea, just been washing her hair in the bath and we had a chat about hormones and how wonky they can make you feel and react, she does get it as she described her reactions to granny telling her how to sit at the table recently, yep...hormonal!

I kinda feel a bit sad that she has to go through this too, all part of growing up I suppose x

[kiltgirl]

Your daughter sounds lovely and a huge input of that is down to you so pat yourself on the back for the good you've done

I think you have to be careful how you explain things

if you apologise in advance and blame your hormones you're losing parental authority in a way.  I've got a 21 year old but I'd never say to him look I'm hormonal excuse my moodiness as I can just imagine every time I have a justifiable moan at him he'd come back with "hormones playing up?!"

I'd tackle each situation as it arises and apologise THEN if you feel you're in the wrong.

And it's not just kids, my friend and I had another friend who was born a moody cow but as her periods were going haywire she got worse.  My friend and I used to say she needs to sort her hormones out then work on her personality

Don't give the ammo is my opinion, but if you're wrong say so and just say mummy is tired or something

She'll probably not too far away be preoccupied with her hormones and I doubt she'll give a hoot about yours

X

Annie0710 you're totally right, I think this is why I'm really struggling.
 She's a lovely girl and generally very caring and nurturing by nature but obviously she's also a child and will want to manipulate situations sometimes...I hope I'm through this by the time she's a teen! A lot of the time lately I can't even think straight enough to 'be the adult' and set boundaries etc...she really needs them.

Thank you all for replying it makes me feel like less of a horrible person, I've never felt such guilt about so many things as I have done from pregnancy up to now...I worry so much that I will turn out like my own mother (still bearing the emotional scars and low self-esteem from that)

I feel more positive after posting on here and will try some of the techniques...thank you xxx

[walking the dog]

STOP

S= stop , what ever your doing
T= take a,step back , literally walk one step backwards
O = observe what's happening
P = proceed mindfully

You dont have to use it all I tend to use  S and T
I know it sounds a lot of clap trap to some people but I find it helpful

[kiltgirl]

The first sign my daughter was approaching puberty was she kept crying over the littlest things and she developed greasy hair. She also started her periods a lot younger than I did and she suffers badly from them unlike I ever did. I think she takes after her Grandma (my mother in law) who always suffered badly. My daughter has terrible, terrible moods and PMT now that she has inherited from me as have always suffered badly from PMT but peri feels like permanent PMT!

I totally agree...permanent blimmin awful PMT! Yes I definitely think that's where she is, she's also getting quite pronounced breasts, thankfully she thinks that's quite good fun, she came through and said 'look mum!' and jumped up and down to make them jiggle...I was mortified when i got mine...very early.
On the plus note I think at least in this all female house we are going to be very open and understand our hormones! I'd like her to realise it's normal and at least if she's bad she's not as bad as her mum!
Sorry to hear your daughter is struggling with hers, it's so sad to see your child depressed and out of control. x

[kiltgirl]

STOP

S= stop , what ever your doing
T= take a,step back , literally walk one step backwards
O = observe what's happening
P = proceed mindfully

You dont have to use it all I tend to use  S and T
I know it sounds a lot of clap trap to some people but I find it helpful

Thank you! I think I might share this with my girl too...

you've all been so lovely in your replies x