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[GypsyRoseLee]

It is 2 years today since I first saw my GP. Out of the blue, anxiety, depression and feelings of dread kept overwhelming me. I thought was having a breakdown!

Since then I have tried eating cleaner. Tried cutting out sugars. Paid a fortune to a private naturopath.. Tried HRT. Tried the BCP.

But still the waves and days of anxiety, dreads and depression kept coming back. I have faught it with everything I have. But I think trying to get rid of these symptoms using HRT/the BCP is a bit like trying to pin the tail on the donkey.

I am so very, very sick to death of battling all these dark days and never knowing how I am going to feel from one day to the next. Yes, I still have good days, even good weeks, but the fear of waiting for the anxiety/dread is always there.

I have lost 2 years of my life to these symptoms. I have had enough. I am not prepared to lose even another month to them. My mood improved a lot for 24 hours yesterday, but today I have felt dreadful again. Enough.

I saw my GP today and explained how I had been feeling these last 2 weeks. I explained that I just wanted it to stop. Please. I mentioned Mirtazapine to him because I know ladies on here who take it for hormonal anxiety and depression. He was fine with me trying it.

I have danced around taking ADs, but I really have had enough. I just want my symptoms to go away and stay away.

I see my consultant in 3 weeks and he suggested I discuss with her whether to include any hormonal therapy in my regime.

I have had a horrifically stressful 3 years and I think it has taken its toll. It's just bad timing that peri arrived at the same time.

So there you go. I took my first Mirtrazapine an hour ago and feel swimmy headed and drowsy (to be expected in first 7-10 days). But I don't care. Anything is better than how I have felt these last 2 weeks (and all the many 'bad' weeks over the last 2 years.

[CLKD]

   fighting symptoms can be tiring.  I understand and remember the deep fear of waking 'the same' each morning  but it did pass!  Let the medication do it's work.  It won't happen over-night and if you can cope with any medication side-effects you ought to notice a difference in about 10-14 days.  If this particular med doesn't help, there are others 

[GypsyRoseLee]

Thank you both so much.

I know I shouldn't at all, but I feel mad at myself for not sticking longer with different trials of hormone therapy. But I have just had enough of waiting and hoping, and then another week is lost.

If anyone has good reports about Mirtrazapine I would love to hear them.

[Chi chi]

I really feel for you grl, I know exactly how you feel as I feel the same. You have given it your all so don't feel guilty! You have nothing to feel guilty for!
My mum has just recently started a low dose AD due to a rough time lately, she was my grandparents full time carer then we lost my grandad then my nan who had just been diagnosed with dementia was raped in her flat (my mum had got her moved from her old flat to next door to mum so she was closer) then my nan had to go into a residential home. As you can imagine it's very much taken its toll on all of the family but mum more so. She was so set against taking anything and just tried to muddle on through despite us all telling her she might benefit from it. It's been nearly 3 weeks now and she says she wished that she'd done it sooner. Anyway what I'm trying to say is we must do whatever to make us feel better, there shouldn't be any guilt or shame in that.
I really hope you start to see an improvement soon  x

[Briony]

Agree with everything everyone else has said here. I think you're amazing - you've tried everything, and put up with a hell of a lot of hormonal poo, whilst still always being there for forum members, managing a career, house ... and kids!

Don't feel even a sniff of guilt, GRL. You'd think nothing of taking an Anadin for a headache, or an anti histamine for hay fever. With the same logic, ADs are an obvious choice to get you on an even keel for when you see your consultant. At least then, you'll be able to logically plan your way forward. I took Prozac for a while when I first started hrt and think it definitely helped tide me over the settling in/jittery phase. 

Really, really hope you get some well deserved relief - method is irrelevant - you just deserve quality of life xxxxx

[Hurdity]

Hello Gypsy RoseLee

So sorry to hear about your continued struggles and that despite all your efforts to find a hormonal treatment you are still experiencing such low feelings.

Although I am thankful that I have never experienced such extreme feelings of low mood and depression, in your position I am sure I would consider what you are doing – so that I could function normally all the time and not just intermittently – especially with family responsibilities to consider.

Try them (the tablets) and see how you feel after riding through the negative side effects. Also as you say, make sure you also discuss and decide on a suitable hormonal treatment – (maybe now time to go back to the bio-identcial  - body-identical-  oestrogen and Utrogestan?) and when the worst of peri-menopause is over and your hormones have stopped surging to such extreme levels, perhaps you will then be able to phase out the ADs?

I do wish you well GRL and echo what the others have said - and Briony - quality of life is everything. We always say to women on here that this is most important and we should not have to suffer - and therefore why not try HRT and a hormonal solution first - but you have done this and it hasn't worked, so don't beat yourself up and concentrate on feeling better

 

Hurdity xx

[pepperminty]

Hi GRL,

Sometimes Crap is CRAP , no matter whether you put a bow on it ! You aren't throwing in the towel ! I can remember feeling so desperate that I would have drunk Rat's piss too if you remember!!

Sometimes we get to a point when we will and have tried everything and as nothing seems to work and it all seems hopeless and there appears to be no light at the end of the tunnel, we take one step forward and then appear to take 2 steps back. Clichés but true.

BUT, nothing no matter whether good or bad is constant. Life with all its little foibles is always changing and even though you don't see it now, you have made progress and you HAVE improved over the months. I know how you were all those initial  first tentative posts ago and you have improved your health/ mood by leaps and bounds.

When you are at your lowest ebb feeling depressed , ill , low and desperate, it is impossible to think logically and boy do I know that!! I am impatient and enquiring too - why shouldn't we want results ? ( there is nothing wrong with wanting results quickly!!)

I have realised that I will not be as I was before the peri menopause and will have to accept that I get tired more easily and that I have had to make adjustments in my life that I really have had no choice but to do.
I can either accept this or keep on fighting it. I chose to accept it as I haven't got the energy to struggle any more. That doesn't mean I have given up - in fact quite the opposite - I have adjusted.

Being sad/desperate. ill and depressed call it what you will doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a more rounded person if you let it. I'd rather be friends  with someone who has experienced adversity and understands than someone who hasn't a clue.

What would you say to someone if they had posted your words? I bet you wouldn't be half as judgemental with them as you are with yourself?

Anyway = these are just a few rambling thoughts .

Thinking of you ,

Peppermintyxx

[Kathleen]

Hello GypsyRoseLee.

I agree with everything the other ladies have said. I don't think you are throwing in the towel just trying everything possible to feel better and amen to that!
My heart goes out to you and sending hugs.
Take care and keep us updated.

K.

[babyjane]

You are a harsh critic of yourself.  Don't feel guilty.  I do the same and feel weak, a failure, if I can't 'fix' things for myself and for others as well.  It is a personality trait of mine  .

Five weeks ago I 'gave in' and started a low dose AD and felt I had let myself down but I can no longer do it on my own after a lifetime of difficulty.  I wish I had been less stubborn and 'given in' sooner.

I wish you the very best of luck with your new treatment.

[Machair]

You are not giving in at all. My heart goes out to you and hope that you will soon feel better. I strongly believe that many ladies are very sensitive to hormonal changes, because their chemical make up dictates it. You don't choose to be anxious or depressed, it is an illness, and anyway you can try to feel better is an option in my book.
Sending you a big hugx

[Joyce]

Oh never feel guilty GRL.  I hope new meds help you. 

[GypsyRoseLee]

You're all so lovely, thank you do much. I find it hard to accept that I can't just fix this myself. I have a reputation as a 'fixer' who can sort anything.

Trying to be objective, I think I just waited too long and let myself get too low/anxious/desperate before embarking on hormonal therapy. Looking back, I wrestled with these symptoms for 15 months before seeking medical help and being referred to the menopause clinic.

I think my hormonal fluctuations had gone on too long and done too much damage, and as a result had left me feeling too battered and anxious and uncertain to respond well to hormonal therapy.

I think I need to reach a more stable level psychologically before trusting myself to hormone therapy. For the last year I do feel that trying to control my hormones has been like trying to pin the tail on the donkey because my fluctuations are extreme and I am so sensitive to those fluctuations.

My GP said yesterday that while I'm still fluctuating so much, to treat me effectively and reliably with hormone therapy would require taking my levels every single day, and adjust dosage accordingly on a daily basis. Which just isn't possible obviously.

I intend to stay on Mirtrazapine for the next 3 weeks until I see my consultant. Then discuss with her which hormonal route to take. I think it would be sensible to take this AD alongside bio identical HRT for day 6 months. That way the HRT would have chance to truly settle in properly. Hopefully by then I will have been at a consistently stable level psychologically for several months so if I then try to phase out the Mirtrazapine to see how HRT is working for me, I will be doing it from a stronger stand point? Does that make sense?

[charliegirl]

Hi all, I am sat here feeling so ill and low at the moment, terrible tummy/back pain. I do take ADs but they don't seem to take it away. I have switched from patches to Tibilone as the patches made me bleed, but I think the Tibilone is a lower dose?  I do feel am no so alone reading these posts as my friends don't seem to have the same problems.
Love to all x

[Joyce]

   Charliegirl.

[babyjane]

(((hugs))) charliegirl