Oh yes, I know that feeling very well indeed. An uneasiness, a slight feeling of dread, an inability to just exhale and enjoy the moment, a feeling of tension, a total lack of contentment, the feeling that everything you do is futile because life is pointless.....................it just lingers there, draining all the colour from your life.
When I have 'this' feeling it feels like I'm just dragging myself through the day. I have to force myself to make conversation. I can't see the point in anything. I can't get any satisfaction from doing anything because even though I have completed a task I get no sense of achievement. I just feel numb and forlorn inside. There's no pleasure. No excitement.
Tonight we're meeting friends at my favourite restaurant. I am just feeling numb and forlorn. Don't care if I go. Don't care if I don't go. Can't be bothered about what to wear. Couldn't care less if I drive or my husband drives.
I will make myself wear something nice and do my make up. But there's no pleasure in it. No sense of excited anticipation of a good night ahead. Just nothing.
And I totally get that 'wired but tired' feeling. It's like I daren't stop tidying round, straightening up, re arranging drawers, folding towels. I'm scared to stop. If I stop then these awful feelings of emptiness might overwhelm me completely.
So, last night at 9.30pm I'm faffing about straightening the shoe rack and my poor husband just wants me to sit with him and watch a film. But the thought of relaxing like that makes me feel panicky. It's awful.
But then when I get good days and weeks where I feel upbeat and positive, it's almost too much for me and I feel almost giddy and out of control. It's quite scary to be honest.
I am praying very hard that taking the BCP shuts down my hormonal rollercoaster and just let's me enjoy a sedate go on the roundabout instead. No ups and downs thank you.