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[Kathleen]

Hello ladies, I'd appreciate your thoughts on this topic.

During the course of the menopause I have become increasingly self critical and I think this attitude is just adding to my problems. I hate the fact that amongst many other things I'm on edge all the time, my concentration is poor and when I talk I struggle to string a sentence together. I realised today that I blame myself for everything and believe that if I wasn't so inadequate I would be coping much better.

I've never been the most confident person but it seems the things I liked about myself and was proud of have disappeared and I constantly criticise myself for letting this happen.

I know lack of self confidence and lowering self esteem are listed as emotional problems that come with the menopause but this beating myself up is really difficult to deal with.

Can any of you lovely ladies relate to feeling this way or is it just me on this one?!

Best wishes to you all and take care.

K.

[Annie0710]

I completely understand what you mean, but I've twisted mine round, I'm proud of how I'm dealing with crumbling inside but still getting up early in the morning to get to work, a mentally demanding job. I'm proud that when I can hardly walk because of knee, hip and back pain I still carry on.  Praise yourself, because you ARE carrying on in a very difficult, painful and challenging phase.  I get mad at myself because i have let going out socially beat me (I do sometimes and mostly enjoy myself) but not anywhere near the amount I used to.

All our changes are out of our control unless we've been lucky to find a regime that fits our needs, I still live in hope that my hrt miracle is just round the corner and I can be me again

I did raise a chuckle last week chatting to my friend about someone who irritates me, I said she was grinding on me, my friend pointed out I must mean grating, then we fell about laughing at the image of this person 'grinding on me'
Pat yourself on the back for carrying on xx

I'm far from upbeat all the time, I feel like I've been running on reserve for 3 years and wonder how long a body (and mind) can do it

Annie

[CLKD]

It certainly isn't 'you' - it's HORMONES  ……. 

I too have problems stringing 2 words together and as for remembering peoples' names - even those I've known for years 

My brain simply goes dead.  Can't remember in those few seconds anything at all, there simply isn't anything in there.

[GypsyRoseLee]

Hi Kathleen

I haven't really experienced self criticism yet. But I do recognise that style of self destructive, negative thought processes from many years ago when I suffered with depression after a relationship broke down. I disliked myself. I compared myself to others and always found myself wanting. Everyone I looked at seemed prettier, better, more confident, more successful, more happy. I felt drab and mediocre and ugly both inside and out.

It was the depression making me feel that way. I had actually just graduated with a good degree and had funded myself through university by working as a photographer's model.

But I wanted you to know that I always really enjoy reading your posts as you are obviously very articulate, and I always think of you as being very thoughtful and kind in your responses. Certainly some of your posts have really lifted me when I was very low and I think you are very supportive. And this is only what I can glean from the Internet so I bet you are even nicer and warmer in real life 

[honeybun]

Great post Annie.

Kathleen, I do understand.
At the moment I'm being made to feel as if I'm a rubbish daughter.

My hubby assures me I'm anything but, but it plays on mind....a lot.

We just have to try and see the positives.

I'm sure you must have loads.

Try and hang into the fact it's hormones and nothing else and the blooming things will settle eventually.
You are still the same person you always were....honestly 


Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

Oh Honeybun  not again  ……..

[honeybun]

Yep 


Honeybun
X

[CLKD]

Read your thread  - for all my Mum 'was/is' she always told me to 'do your best'.  So I have tried.  After depressive illness I became more empathetic rather than being judgemental.  That is an on-going learning curve.

I have as I aged told myself that most people 'go to the loo' and to 'imagine them on the toilet with trousers down'.  Helps no end 

[Dorothy]

Hi Kathleen

I can really sympathise.  I have been beating myself up a lot over all the things I can't do or can't do as well as before.  I've had to make myself take a step back and accept that 'high achieving' for me now means something different to what it did before.  Some days, it's an achievement just to make a cup of tea and walk the dog...instead of blaming myself for not doing more, I'm telling myself it's a lot better than staying under the duvet, slowly dehydrating while the dog goes crazy from lack of exercise! 

Focus on what you CAN do each day, not what you can't.  So you forget 9 names? Don't beat yourself up.  Congratulate yourself you remembered the 10th one! 

[Ju Ju]

The message I took on board from my childhood, whether meant or not, was that I didn't come up to scratch. I was clinically depressed throughout my childhood.

Recovery began when I left home. However, I didn't feel worthy, despite achievements. I knew what I really wanted was a happy marriage and children, but I believed what I had been told, that I was incapable of sustaining a relationship, so decided to explore how to have a happy single life. Life stepped in and I met my lovely husband, nearly 40 years ago.

I almost believe that I am loveable and that I'm ok as I am. I've stopped comparing myself to others and feeling I fall short. In the last few years, I sought help from a councillor and a life coach, which has been wonderful. I no longer take on unkindness directed at me as my due. It is not about me; it's about the bad 'place' they are in. I walk away where possible and firm where I can't. My mum now treats me with respect and love now. Maybe she is in a better place now. I do what I can despite health issues, as I have throughout my life, but now I don't beat myself up for what I don't or can't achieve.

Life is so much easier when you stop beating yourself up.

 I want to share a prayer by Macrina Wiederkehr. I've posted this before, but I read every morning when I get up.

"Oh God, help me to believe the truth about myself- no matter how beautiful it is!"

In other words, we all come into this world as wonderful beings. Life gets in the way and we create our egos and believe what we are told and what we think and feel. We forget who we really are. Underneath all the the rubbish, we've all ok! Once you start to take this on board, a weight lifts from your shoulders.

[honeybun]

What happens and how are you supposed to feel when you are pretty sure your parent...in my case my mother, does not like you. I am used and not appreciated or loved.
I close down to avoid being hurt. I get angry which is self distructive.

If it was not for my hubby telling me I'm a good and kind person I would seriously struggle.

I have tried to grow a very thick skin but the comments and digs still get through.

I don't beleive I am the person my mother thinks I am.....I have been told I'm cold and hard.

It's difficult to take week in and out.....but onwards I go with my hubby and my two kids supporting and loving me.

Honeybun
X

[Ju Ju]

HB, this is your Mum's problem, not yours. It has never been about you; it is about her, her experience of life.

 Poor lady, just think about about what she has missed. A loving and fulfilling relationship with you and your family!

 But this is about her and NOT about you and who you are. If you can't step back and distance yourself then try to accept your Mum is ill, not only physically and mentally, but also emotionally for whatever reason. Are you strong enough to challenge criticisms, maybe gently?

But whatever, when people are critical, it usually means they are far more critical about themselves. What on earth does she think about herself?

Listen to your family. Listen hard. You are loved!

[Kathleen]

Hello ladies.

Thanks to you all for responding to this thread. I think the posts demonstrate the damage all types of criticism can do and the tragic effect it can have on a person's self confidence ( another good reason to be kind to ourselves and each other ).

Talking of kindness, thank you GypsyRoseLee for your comments, your words have helped me a lot and I am truly grateful.

Wishing everyone well.

K. 

[GypsyRoseLee]

You are very welcome Kathleen.

I am just returning a favour. Your posts have always been very gentle and supportive. Sometimes you need some quiet sympathy alongside the (very useful) hard facts and information. I always feel a little lift of relief when I see you have replied to me [smile]

[Suzi Q]

Hello ladies, I'd appreciate your thoughts on this topic.

During the course of the menopause I have become increasingly self critical and I think this attitude is just adding to my problems. I hate the fact that amongst many other things I'm on edge all the time, my concentration is poor and when I talk I struggle to string a sentence together. I realised today that I blame myself for everything and believe that if I wasn't so inadequate I would be coping much better.

I've never been the most confident person but it seems the things I liked about myself and was proud of have disappeared and I constantly criticise myself for letting this happen.

I know lack of self confidence and lowering self esteem are listed as emotional problems that come with the menopause but this beating myself up is really difficult to deal with.

Can any of you lovely ladies relate to feeling this way or is it just me on this one?!

Best wishes to you all and take care.

K.

YEPPbeen there done that wore the Tshirt OH I wasnt pretty anymore my hair wasnt as thick it was thin
How could Bobbles want me I ached itched@ libido gone south he could have anyone why stay with me
He cant love me like he did. I was also BOSS@was sure they all hated me thought I was thick@stupid
If somehting went wrong anywhere I felt it was my fault hehehe I got dead touchy and say to Bobbles
I know Im stupid old@ ugly u can get better than me women would be lining up around the corner to have you and look at me OLD! I was 43 7@a half stone in reality I looked 33 No Im not kidding
Even today knowone knows my age they think Im at least 7 years younger than I am
Luck@Genetics but I couldnt see I was slim quite pretty a great job fab husband wonderful son not a bit
All I could see was an old women stupid and thick life over all due to menopause so YES I understand
AND YES its normal and YES it will go I promise xxxxxxxxxxxx