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[Greenfields]

Just wanted to add an update. I saw the psychotherapist for the second time today. I think she is just as puzzled as I am as to what has happened to me ... not sure whether it's hormonal or whether there are other things I need to sort out with my mental health.  I'm scared.

I am also really struggling to come to terms with things. And I don't know when to start applying for work. Some times I feel fine (usually later on in the day) but most mornings I've been waking up shakey of late and worrying so much about my finances and future.

Has anyone been on there own and had to start over?

Or stopped working for a while and then had to take steps to restart and find a new employer?

I feel at such a loss as to how long to not work - I don't like the isolation associated with not working (although I do my best to get out of my flat and go to the library) but I'm worried that if I try to apply for work and I'm not up to it, that I will make myself worse.

However the longer I don't work, the harder it's going to be to get back into it.

Having 3 degrees doesn't help either - I feel like if I apply for a very basic job that people won't take me seriously.  But I really don't feel up to applying for more demanding work (even if I was considered for it) because I'm not sure how well I would handle the stress. 

As well, the money earned on a basic job isn't going to cover my expenses (although it will reduce the amount my savings go down in the short term).

Everything feels such a mess at the moment and I feel very overwhelmed.

I'm seeing the doctor next week and have started listing details of the side effects I've been experiencing with the HRT (still bleeding black brown blood and experiencing menstrual cramps) - the worst thing is seeing how much my mental state has been up and down.

If anyone has some words of wisdom, please post. I feel so lost at the moment. 

[Greenfields]

Also, I'm thinking of asking my doctor for a referral to a specialist menopausal clinic - has anyone done this? And does it help? And how long do you have to wait to see someone? (I live in Hampshire).

[CLKD]

Have a 

Many ladies have stopped work because of menopause.  However, if you do stop you might try volunteering which can lead to salaried posts.  You can choose the hours to work and it means you aren't isolated.  You can talk/not with the others there and let them know as much as you want to.

I can understand the fear.  There may be details of menopause clinics 'on here' in the menus: top of screen.  You can send a PM to Dr Curry who runs this Forum, again details are in the menus, there is a charge but some ladies here have found it useful.

Does it matter what is causing the problem?  The psychology suggestions and support should be the same, going on symptoms rather than the causes.  I know when I went intermittently in the 1990s due to phobia I was able to discuss and support suggestions were recommended and tried. 

Personally, my anxiety kicks in from any time after 5.30 a.m. and gradually improves as the day goes on: because I have faced/not the challenges and by the evening, I really am a 'different' person.  I learnt long ago not to say 'yes' to anything in the evening because by morning, my gut will have changed my mind for me  .  I also find that if I am asked to do anything I take my time in deciding and always insist that there is a backup in place.

[CLKD]

You may find that a low-dose antidepressant or a stress reliever might help for 6-8 months.  It will give your brain some breathing space and may well ease those symptoms.  My anxiety can floor me until I am a curled up wreck on the settee.

The other thing to consider is your diet.  I try to eat every 2-3 hours to stop that awful empty lurch which can floor me and is also known to cause anxiety surges.  Some ladies find brisk walking helpful. 

If you are applying for a basic job or one outside your Degree level, then don't put them on the CV.  Use the CV and interview process for the job itself, not what you have done in the past. 

Keep posting!

[Greenfields]

CLKD - thanks for the hug - I really need it at the moment.

The strange thing is that, as I write this, I feel so so competent - and yet if you have seen me this morning when I got up - there was no comparison!

I have been looking online at the symptoms of nervous breakdown and I'm wondering now whether the severe stress I was under in combination with the menopausal symptoms has contributed to the variety of mental states that I've been experiencing. I know the psychotherapist I saw today is just as puzzled as I am over how things are.

I think, if I can, I will try and do some volunteer work soon - I need to do something.

You say:

If you are applying for a basic job or one outside your Degree level, then don't put them on the CV.  Use the CV and interview process for the job itself, not what you have done in the past. 

- Just curious, what do you mean by this?  Do you mean I should leave my qualifications off my CV?  I'm just wondering how to account for the time spent studying?  One of the things I have noticed is that UK employers tend to be a) big on application forms and b) want all time accounted for.  So I'm not sure how to get around this.

I've had a lot of jobs - I was doing contracts in the 80's before they became so prevalent - so when I have to fill in application forms it's a nightmare - my job listing tends to run to 7 pages! That said, when I completed 2 application forms last year, I got 2 interview offers - unfortunately for me, I picked the first job that was offered to me and never went to the second interview - I very much regret that now given how my last job developed.

[Greenfields]

Also re: low dose antidepressant - what kinds generally work for people?

I took 50mg of Sertraline for 2 days a week or so back - I have never been so so ill in my life.  I stopped taking it because I couldn't cope with the side effects.

I'm very sensitive to medications and so, while I'm open to trying another one, I really don't want to have the same experience as I had with the Sertraline - that was absolutely hideous.

I know some people on the board have suggested anatriptyline (probably not spelt that right?) can work.

A friend told me that Citlopram doesn't have as many side effects as Sertraline.

At the moment, I meditate daily, walk daily, connect with people daily and eat a really healthy diet. I also do relaxation exercises and restorative yoga. I'm also seeing a different acupuncturist (and the first session I had with them last week really helped) and a psychotherapist. I'm due to see my doctor next week. Oh and I have an ITalk appointment booked for the end of April too (how that will go I have no idea but I arranged it when I was really ill and it's free - but it's telephone counselling). 

[GypsyRoseLee]

Hi

It's very common for anxiety to be at its worst in the early morning and for your mood to then improve by evening. It happened to me most days.

I was one of the people who mentioned Amitriptyline. I took it for 6 months last year. It might be just the thing to give your mind a bit of a holiday from this treadmill of anxiety and worry. It will improve your sleep and stop the early waking and anxiety surges. It made me feel chilled out but still alert enough to do my job etc.

I think it sounds like you have been very unlucky in your timing. A highly stressful year coupled with your hormones starting to mess about. Result = Meltdown.

It's no surprise considering what you have been through. It would floor most people.

You need to be gentle to yourself. Just like you I reacted horribly to Sertraline. Amitriptyline suited me far better because it is known for its gently sedating effect which was exactly what I needed for a few months. Just to rest my mind. Once it had rested for a few months I felt ready to come off it and seek some answers and treatment to cure my symptoms, not just mask them.

 I don't think you get that effect with the newer anti depressants.

[CLKD]

I had a breakdown but the medical profession won't classify a breakdown unless the person is in a mental health unit  - however, there wasn't room for me and I couldn't afford to go privately  - DH was told by the Private Unit for me to take more Valium: I did, still here 

Mornings are worse for me, anything from 5.30 a.m. ………..

What sort of job would you like right now?  Connected to your Degree Courses or not?  At my age, if I was applying for a job it would be within my capabilities (which aint' a lot right now) so I would put down what the Company appeared to 'looking' for - adding that any "out time" can be discussed at Interview  .  I actually can't remember all the years I worked and when or for whom  . 

[CLKD]

My depression began in the 1980s.  It is cyclic: I get depressed, take medication, improve, stop; then the downward spiral begins.  It happens over a 22 month period so the Psychiatrist who attended me at home one evening suggested a low-dose continual treatment.  I now take 5mg night and morning.  'escitalopram'. I have had several since 1991, most have kept me going for years at a time, fortunately.  I now recognise when my mood is lower than I am comfortable with and then I up the morning dose to 10mg for 5-6 days.  Any longer then I visit my GP.

Prozac however sent me loopier than I was already  - remember Elton John in those high shoes in 'tommy'? well I felt like I had 7" heels on my wellies and knew one morning that if I climbed over 'that gate' I wouldn't be able to climb back on my way home from  …….. this was a drug which my GP assured me had 'no known side effects'  .  After 3 days I didn't dare take any more.  The others however have not been perfect in that some days I feel extra tired, but hey ho! I'm out of bed each morning!

Now if I could crack that blasted anxiety   

[CLKD]

Cricky - you exercise a lot more than I even consider doing each day  but the garden keeps me busy at this time of year 

Keep sharing!

[CLKD]

How's the 'sludgy' bowel ?  Cause for concern  - I think this is something worth pursuing with the GP!

[Greenfields]

Thank you so much for your posts.

I think the stress I may have been under in moving back to Canada in combination with the hormonal imbalance may have caused my nervous system to go 'pop' - this thought occurred to me this week after seeing the psychotherapist for the second time as she is just as puzzled as I am over what has happened to me.  I'm due to see her again next week. 

The worst thing is that I can feel so competent one day and then bloody awful the next. For example, yesterday I had hardly any energy, went to acupuncture, came back and spent most of the day lying prone on the floor doing relaxation exercises because I had no energy and was tired (not anxious). The acupuncturist did say that my 'energy' was like someone who has had a big shock ... which I have had as I planned to move back to Canada.

But I also looked back at the emails I sent a colleague prior to all this flaring up - and I can see how conflicted I felt about moving back to Canada - so I'm wondering now whether the stress of that caused my nervous system to short circuit.

Having said all that, the sludgy bowel continues. However in going through the records I have been keeping I've noticed that this became a really prevalent pattern since I changed the time of day I take the HRT.  I was taking it on its own first thing in the morning but I kept getting nausea which made eating breakfast difficult.

So I switched to taking it with my main evening meal (as suggested by the Boots pharmacist and also suggested on this website). Since then I've had really upset bowel movements most days (one or two days this hasn't happened). This has been going on since 15th April and today I had 2 bouts of diarrhea first thing. So I think (a) it seems to be getting worse and (b) its linked to the time I'm taking the HRT. I'm seeing the new doctor on Monday and I'm going to ask her about this and ask for more tests. If I'm not absorbing food properly that might explain why I feel so physically rotten some of the time.  This morning I had a bath and then had to lie down and rest because I felt so shaky. Then I got up, had breakfast, got dressed and worked on my notes for the doctor on Monday - trying to see patterns with respect to what's happening to me so that I can point them out to her. That's how I noticed the sludgy bowel change thing.

Now it's 12.36 and I'm sitting in the library, slightly hungry and feeling very competent - the whole thing is utterly bizarre.

CLKD I am so sorry to hear you had a breakdown. I too, thought that you had to be in a mental health unit to have had one but now I'm wondering whether that's what I had recently the week following the decision not to move to Canada (as result of waking up in terror one morning). The week that followed that decision, I couldn't eat much, could barely get out of bed for half the day and I lost 13lbs. I knew I was very unwell and I was in deep shock at what had happened.

I also don't know how much of the indecision I had around moving back to Canada was related to hormonal imbalances as well. I recall seeing a lovely apartment while I was over there and I went and saw it 3 times - and the third time I actually took a prepaid bank cheque with me to sort out renting it - but I found I just could not commit to it. It was weird.

With respect to jobs - I don't think I'm up to doing a high stress professional job but I am worried about my money situation because I'm living off savings and they are not going to last forever. I picked up a job application for a 5.5 hour reception post locally this week which would pay about 40 pounds a week - which would cover some of my costs and ensure my savings go down less. However, I'm still unsure (a) how to explain to someone that I'm serious about it when I've got 3 degrees and (b) whether to raise my health issues (the form actually asks for details of any current health treatment) and (c) whether I would be well enough to do one shift a week of work consistently if they would actually take me on ...

I was at a MIND support group this morning and someone suggested I should just tread water and do some voluntary work to begin with - which would also give me more UK references and the opportunity to see whether I can consistently work a shift from week to week. I know what they told me makes sense, and yet ... the money issue worries me. I even thought about doing a flyer delivery round - but another friend said (a) it would pay pennies and (b) I should give myself time to really get better.

This week would have been the week that I would have been flying out to Canada - so it's hard to fathom how my life has unravelled in such a short space of time. I feel calm, competent and puzzled and I wish I knew what the hell was mentally and physically wrong with me!