Just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone for posting here - it really helps to read other people's accounts of what happened to them because I can't believe what has happened to me over the space of 3-4 weeks. I was due to move back to Canada this coming week and, although I have been feeling physically better the last day or so, a big part of me is like "what the hell happened?" Psychologically I am in a state of shock as to what has occurred - complete disbelief. I was well enough yesterday to start looking at jobs on the internet and kept thinking - I've wrecked my life - I'd planned to do the MSW in Canada and become a clinical counsellor working with people with trauma, using yoga and meditation as well as my clinical skills (in Canada social work is very different and I was really looking forward to returning there and doing that work once I got my MSW). I'm not keen on working as a social worker in England as it's practiced differently here - plus I'm going to have a devil of a job getting a social work job here because I haven't trained in the English system, have not had UK statutory placements, am not familiar with much of the UK legislation and the system here is very very stressful - so the burnout rate is very high.
As well, the problem with the UK is that the housing costs are so high and the rentals are so insecure - so as much as I love being around English people and the English countryside, I really can't see financially how to make it work. So all that has happened has really thrown a spanner in the works.
Someone mentioned about the CAB and landlords with respect to my rent - I haven't been well enough to sort this out but, when I do get stronger and plan to move on, I am going to seek support in getting any money I am owed back. Unfortunately where I live is a very small expensive town in Hampshire and there is a complete shortage of rental accommodation - so at the time all this occurred, all I could think was, I can't be homeless - I was terrified of that, so I offered the landlord 6 months rent up front and it was then insisted on in order for me to stay where I am. I didn't know at the time I wasn't mentally well - I didn't recognise the panic attack for what it was because I had never experienced a panic attack like it - I was completely caught up in terror.
When I think back to the whole thing now, what I feel is that while I offered the money up front, the landlord didn't have to take it! The letting agent told me that they (the landlords, a husband and wife) are pensioners and need the security of the income
.... just to say that these landlords have a property portfolio of at least 5 or 6 properties in the area. I have always paid my rent and bills on time (automatically by DD) and they have a 975 pounds deposit - and the rent I pay them is 650 pounds a month ...
I think my menopausal symptoms (particularly the mental ones) were made worse by the extreme stress I was put under in my last job - I'm thinking that extreme stress and massive hormonal imbalances can cause people to do strange things? That's the only explanation I can come up with to rationalise what has happened to me so far. I am really looking forward to seeing the psychotherapist this coming week - maybe she will be able to shed some light on it.
I think I'm on Day 17 or 18 of the HRT now. I've started having bleeding - sort of rust coloured - like a period. I've also picked up the booklet that came with the Nuvelle Continuous and reread the side effects and I think I've had quite a few of them (although none of the serious one's yet - thank God!). The digestive issues I've been having are also, I am realising, possibly side effects. I had issues not only with my bowels (which have again reverted to producing sludge) but also with a feeling of food sitting in my stomach and not moving (after having eaten a meal) - very uncomfortable. The Nuvelle book says bloating is a side effect - so maybe that's what I have been experiencing?
I think the acupuncture is helping but it's difficult to say how much is that and how much is more of the HRT.
I am in awe of the people who have taken Sertraline! I seriously thought I had poisoned myself. I was hesitant to take it to begin with but the doctor I saw said confidently "I've never had a patient that it's not worked for!" - little did I know what I was letting myself in for! I'm so glad I stopped taking it after 2 doses.
The worse thing is that I was cognitively aware of everything that was happening to me when I went through all this. And having worked in mental health, I knew the things I needed to do to take care of myself - and I attempted to do them each day as best I could (wash, dress, eat, exercise, connect with others). I wasn't psychotic. I wasn't suicidal. But I knew that something wasn't right with me.
When I asked the doctor for help and said I needed to be checked up on by a community mental health team or someone because I was living on my own she said I wasn't ill enough and gave me the number of the Samaritans. Honestly, words fail me. It's not that I don't recognise that the health service is overstretched but I feel so fortunate that I do have, at the moment, the financial resources and the wherewithal to seek help from people like acupuncturists and psychotherapists. Having said that, I saw first hand what health services were available when I supported clients with serious mental health issues - and let's just say they fall way short of what should be available.
I was also so so lucky that the one friend I had (who I didn't know that well before all this happened) came forward and helped to remind me that I would get better, that I was whole and that I wasn't going mad and I didn't have any underlying organic mental illness - that what she thought I was experiencing was as a result of extreme hormonal imbalance, stress, anxiety and some trauma and PTSD from my last job. If I hadn't had her support, I think I would have ended up in hospital because I just couldn't have got through it completely by myself.
In my last email, I asked about questions for the doctor's appointment. I guess what I'm wondering is whether there are any specific things I should ask her to test? My last doctor (the one who tried Sertraline on me) did tests for thyroid, diabetes and my kidneys. Everything came back normal. I've since read about hormone tests that tell you what stage your at with the menopause (FSH tests?) - I am wondering whether to ask for any more tests?
I have also, I think, decided to give myself 3 months (till at least the end of June) to see how things go with the medications and getting better. My short term plan, I think, if I continue to have more good days than bad, is to see if I can pick up a couple of days of care work shifts which will at least reduce the amount my savings go down by. There is a lot of care work in this area (going around to people's homes) and I have a car so providing I can take care with my back and am physically robust enough, I will look into doing this in a few weeks ... assuming that my symptoms don't get worse again.
Does anyone know a good source of information on the menopause and mental health? I keep reading these innocuous descriptions of what women will go through at menopause but nothing as extreme as what I have gone through. One of the nice things about this board is that I am, for the first time, reading things that are extreme - which helps to see because if this hadn't happened to me, I would never have believed that it could happen to people - it just seems so far fetched!
I guess one should never try and change countries while menopausal!
I am also incredibly grateful for the Buddhist practice of Loving Kindness (metta) meditation which kept me going through my darkest days. If you have not tried it, I strongly encourage people to - it has really helped me mentally. As well, I have CDs of Pema Chodron's teachings and I played those over and over - her teachings on coping with fear have helped me so much and she has a very soothing voice.
Sorry this is another long post ...
