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[CLKD]

Are you able to send your Bro a private message? so that he knows you are giving him support in a difficult situation? 

Similar appears to have happened to an Uncle I grew up with, he's 15 years older than me: he married late - seemed happy but the wife developed health issues which prevented her having people in her home - which I understand, been there etc.; - however, he wouldn't meet DH and I even for half an hour close by and I do wonder  …………

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[Ju Ju]

I doubt you will hear from your SIL, annieb, as unreasonable people don't behave in a reasonable way. She has her own agenda, her own life experience from which she is reacting from. She won't hear what you are trying to say, only react from what is going on in her head. You can only stand firm, when she behaves badly. Make it clear that when she is abusive, it is unacceptable. Put the phone down. I'm afraid you can't help your brother until he wants out, other than making it clear you are there for him whatever. Have they children?

[CLKD]

Will your parents put down the phone in future?

[annieb]

I agree Ju Ju - until he is ready - I don't want his marriage destroyed and was truly hoping that he could talk to her and make her see what she is doing but she seems to be getting worse. Yes CKLD they will put the phone down if she tries this again. My Dad will certainly tell her straight but she doesn't do this to him because she knows this. Mum is the target. Hey Ho - families eh? I've come across people like this in the past but only in  a work or business context and then of course it's easier to avoid. I think I know why she is like this as I have seen years ago how her parents were.  Her father was a serial complainer - and his idea of complaining if service was bad was to shout and be unpleasant and her mother was always putting her down.  You'd think that this would make her more aware of how others feel but I guess sometimes you just grow up thinking this is the normal way to interact with the rest of the world
We've decided that we should really feel sorry for her and she is missing out on so much of the joy of being part of an extended family. I think it will come home to roost with her eventually as when their children have families of their own she'll try this on with their partners and find a couple of "strong" ones in the mix who will not tolerate her

[Ju Ju]

Yes, some people are more aware of the consequences of abusive behaviour they grow up and are determined not to pass it on to the next generation and others take it on as the norm and continue the abusive behaviour. I think some people just blame the rest of the world for the way they feel and others look beyond themselves and see and care about the suffering of others. Unfortunately you can't help people unless or until they are ready to be helped.

[CLKD]

I certainly would have parented as mine did - it was only in my 30s that I realised there is a difference.

It was when I met my future in-Laws that I realised that people talked to each other and not at each other  I was amazed!

[babyjane]

I also had an isolated childhood and grew up believing my parents were the blueprint of how things are done. As a result I did not always enjoy my children because my husband had a more 'normal' view of parenting which was in conflict with my own. It was not an easy time. I am amazed our children have grown up as well adjusted as they are 

[Ju Ju]

I knew that I was not the naughty, lazy not very bright child that my mother said I was. In hindsight I think I had aspects of dyslexia. Learning to read was an uphill struggle. Mum was called into one school as I was withdrawn and too well behaved! But what really hit home was when my mum treated my son in the same way. Both my children have grown up to be confident and happy and my son, severely dyslexic is embarking on his paramedic career. My husband's sense of humour always balanced any discipline issues. I was always conscious of not undermining their self esteem and for my son over riding the pain of school.

[honeybun]

My son is dyslexic too and I know how hard it can be to parent a child whose confidence is a rock bottom and stands out from class mates for all the wrong reasons.

I always told him how clever he was and how different. It worked and with a lot of help he is now successful. It took a while and I had to fight to get him the help he needed.
I know he gets it from my side of the family as I suspect I am mildly dyslexic too.

He remains different.....slightly eccentric and a bit odd.....in a nice way.


Sorry a bit off topic 


Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

I withdrew as much as I was allowed to do so.  Very into books. Dad refused to have a TV so we had to make our own entertainment, including playing games i.e. Ludo around the table on a Sunday afternoon  or going for picnics, cycling, walking ………

Could your sister in law be narcissistic? My Mum and sister are both un-diagnosed ……..

[Suzi Q]

I have 6 sisters in law .  5 of them are just lovely - easy to talk to and just part of our very large and mostly happy family . Of course from time to time we disagree but things are sorted out quickly and we carry on. BUT I have one who is just pure evil. She has no interest in what the rest of us are doing or in our children. Hers are perfect and better at anything than any other child in the world and somehow ours are insignificant and thick so not worth the bother. This I can cope with but what really upsets me is that she is so nasty to my Mother. She phones her and berates her for the slightest thing and has digs at her for anything she can think of, makes snide comment about the rest of us. She's very canny and is always sweet and lovely when we or my brother (her hubby) or my Dad are there but over the past few years  Mum has been quite upset by her and it's all starting to come out . Dad caught her at it one day and I found Mum quite distressed another time and she eventually told me what was going on. I know she used to do this to my Gran when she was alive and I did give S-I-L a good talking to about it which resulted in us not speaking for some considerable time. I'm at a loss what to do as I've never caught her at it with Mum as I rarely see her these days. My hubby has refused to be in the same room as her. Talking to her doesn't seem to help and my brother seems oblivious.  When you try to explain what it is she's doing it just comes across as me being bitchy especially as she's doing it on the sly. It's a form of bullying isn't it but what to do to get her to stop???

Its very easy I had the same problem with my husband sister she hated me 40 years ago shes still hates me
It is bullying in  clever devious way If your Dad caught her at it then as its his wife he needs to take your bro aside PLus you yourself need to women up and tell her if she insults your Mother again or speaks badly to her
You will ensure the entire family disown her and if needs be your brother too U have 1 MUM u have to stop it
Your Dad also needs to man upkow matter how old he is hes the MAn its his wife
I ignore my sisnlaw now for the most part I can be in her company and just let her sarcy jibes wash over me
But sadly for her she did it in front of her freind one day she forgot her pals from her school days was there
Now imagine the setting a lovely girlie brakfast in my tropical garden nice spa going tropical fruits cross the lot
She was talking away to her pal I was drinking my tea and smelling the flowers when she tuened and shouted SUZANNR R U LISTENING TO ME I said with out thinking Is there a dog in here she said what do u mean
I said well the way u just barked at me I thought you were talking to a dog I got up and said its a good job hyour leaving tomorrow or I would throw u out now this was after 35 years of nasty jibes which she taight to her children they treated me from birth equally as nasty u can imagine a 15 yr old calling me  Bitch her daughter did and I took it but this day I snapped Her pals was mortified she came in to the kitchen and saoid she was sorry that shed always been like that I said yep I know shes still waiting for the Divorce
This year we celebrated our 40th wedd ing ann and is she any better not really shes so sweet in front of bhubbie Thiough he knows we dont like each other for him I kept silent in front of her always I hurt my ankle and my 40 wedd trip to UK in Sept had t be canned 48hrs before we were due to go His sister had gone the day before and with in 6 days she was trexting me saying it was so hot and wasnt it a shame So I just sent a text back saying r u thick Ive shown Bobbles your text hes not happy BY GOSH with in secs it was OH Im sorry bla bla and of course hubbie said OH she didnt mean it but she did he knows that as do I he texted her
No more texts and shes not coming up for a pre Xmas trip which we pay for and hes not going down to hers for a few days in earl december either I think finally hes seen what ive seen and said I dnt hate her I feel sorry for her Shes all fur coat and no knickers her pals are all fair weather shes no empithy no heart so id sod ur sisinlaw
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