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[annieb]

I have 6 sisters in law .  5 of them are just lovely - easy to talk to and just part of our very large and mostly happy family . Of course from time to time we disagree but things are sorted out quickly and we carry on. BUT I have one who is just pure evil. She has no interest in what the rest of us are doing or in our children. Hers are perfect and better at anything than any other child in the world and somehow ours are insignificant and thick so not worth the bother. This I can cope with but what really upsets me is that she is so nasty to my Mother. She phones her and berates her for the slightest thing and has digs at her for anything she can think of, makes snide comment about the rest of us. She's very canny and is always sweet and lovely when we or my brother (her hubby) or my Dad are there but over the past few years  Mum has been quite upset by her and it's all starting to come out . Dad caught her at it one day and I found Mum quite distressed another time and she eventually told me what was going on. I know she used to do this to my Gran when she was alive and I did give S-I-L a good talking to about it which resulted in us not speaking for some considerable time. I'm at a loss what to do as I've never caught her at it with Mum as I rarely see her these days. My hubby has refused to be in the same room as her. Talking to her doesn't seem to help and my brother seems oblivious.  When you try to explain what it is she's doing it just comes across as me being bitchy especially as she's doing it on the sly. It's a form of bullying isn't it but what to do to get her to stop???

[CLKD]

Aks your Mum what she would like said/done in order to stop the bullying?  I don't have much contact with my sister who can enrage me to commit murder  and only if necessary do we speak.

If your Mum is initially upset but after she has shared the upset she feels better then maybe she can be given snap responses?  It's always things I think of after the issue - what I could have said - that makes me annoyed that it wasn't off the cuff at the time …….. what I did 4 years ago was, put down the 'phone on my sister who was so busy 'going on' that she didn't realise  .

That would be my first input - replace the 'phone on anyone who upsets her!

[honeybun]

The only thing I can think of is get your dad to speak to your brother. May be if it comes from him it will carry some weight.


Honeyb
x

[CLKD]

Sometimes people feel that they have to take sides so maybe the brother isn't able or doesn't want to take issue with his Wife ………..

[Limpy]

Annieb - All of this needs to be out in the open.
It's not bitchy, you are concerned about your mum, and dad as well, come to that.

There's been programmes on Radio 4 recently about relatives getting EPA (enduring power of attorney) over older relatives or acquaintances.  Your SIL appears to have the potential not to be a nice person. Speak to your brother and Dad. Emphasise it's just a feeling you have but you just want to be sure. Well, all the family does, doesn't it?..........

[annieb]

Thanks Ladies - CKLD this is the problem with my brother - he's got to live with her . I'm pretty sure he's aware of how she is and I think she's like that with a lot of people. She tried it with me when they were first married but I told her straight. She targets the more vulnerable as bullies always do.  I am trying to avoid  causing a rift between my brother and her but I think maybe the time has come to have a long chat with him. That's if I can get to speak to him alone.  When I do call she says he's not in and last time I tried to speak to him about the fact that he has lost contact with my youngest brother (who has no idea why by the way) I had to take him out into the garden to speak privately. The minute we went back inside she insisted they go upstairs and I could hear her grilling him about what we had talked about.  The whole thing upsets me as my brother and I were very close at one time . Maybe this is the root of it - she does not want anyone else to be close to him - but the rest of us have always worked on being a sharing family where we support each other. I love being part of a large family - it has its moments but knowing you have "people" is such a good feeling. Generally when a new boyfriend/girlfriend /wife appears on the scene they are made welcome  and always included in any get togethers etc  (whether they want to be or nor  )but now no-one wants her there. SIL is from a small family with few in the extended family so maybe she doesn't know what she's missing.
Anyway I feel better having put this in writing and will pop over to see Mum later and devise a strategy. She was greatly cheered up yesterday after a long phone chat so a visit will help too xxx

[Ju Ju]

I really feel for you. I have a BIL, who has been hostile ever since I met my husband. His behaviour has been at best indifferent and at worst abusive. His behaviour worsened as the years went by. He was indifferent to the children. My MIL apologised for his behaviour. Now he will not come here, though my husband occasionally meets up with him. He would love to have a rewarding relationship with him, but has accepted this will not happen. They were close as children and he is he only relative now apart from our children.

You can't change people. This was never about us; this man is ill, (his problems extend to the way he relates to everyone else). You SIL is il too. You wont be able to change her nor is it your job to do so. But what you can do is look at how you respond to her and be responsible for your own reactions. Be calm. We have the choice to never have anything to do with my BIL, but I think you want to be there for your brother and Mum. It sounds as if she is being abusive towards him, trying to control him and isolate him from his family. One day she will take a step too far and he will want to break free. This is when he will need his family's support. I expect his self esteem  and confidence is undermined. This woman is in a bad place emotionally, but there is never an excuse for abusive behaviour.

 There are several women on this forum who have experienced abusive behaviour from their ex partners. It would be interesting to hear what kind of support they would have appreciated and responded to while still in the relationship.

[annieb]

Ju Ju you have summed it up so accurately . Last time I saw my brother he was almost his usual self , laughing and joking and then she just cut across him (can't remember exactly what she said) but he stopped dead in his tracks and did not finish his tale. It was like a light had been switched off. I know deep inside he's the brother I had and truthfully I am waiting for the day he finally escapes!! Maybe once the children have all left home and settled it'll be his time  as this is quite often the catalyst from what I hear.

[caz24]

annieb

I don't really have any experience, not to this extent anyway but I just wanted to say that your brother is so lucky to have a family that wants to be there for him, have a relationship with him and to support him despite his wife making that extremely difficult for you all. Your poor Mum too...if someone was behaving like that towards my Mum I would be very angry which obviously you are. It's good that she has you to talk to and cheer her up. Good luck xx

[babyjane]

annieb it makes me so sad to hear of a man being emasculated like this and I sincerely hope something can be sorted out for the sake of your whole family.

[Ju Ju]

It can feel humiliating for a man. I know of 2 men, both policemen (!) who have been through similar situations. He is not alone. It takes courage to get out. Best thing these men did, but they needed support and love in order to recover. One of them stayed till the children were older. They do not respect him for sticking around and taking it on the chin!

[annieb]

Part of the reason I have held back from really making a stink about it is that I'm afraid that we will loose whats left of the link that we do have left with him. He may feel he has to choose her over us and then we will loose him forever. My youngest son was in a similar situation with a girlfriend when he was younger and she eventually told him to choose (this girl was so like my SIL it terrified me). Luckily all his friends could see what was happening as well as us and when she gave this ultimatum he choose us (& his friends)  and now sees how much of a lucky escape he had!!! It's too late for my brother so we'll just have to try to keep the lines of communication open. I've told Mum to have keep it short if SIL phones her again and if she starts to get at her  just say there's a problem on the line put the phone down and take it off the hook for a while. She'll get the message eventually. I'll keep in touch with him as best I can so he will always know I'm here no matter how bad it gets. Thanks all of you for sharing - it does help a great deal xx

[Ju Ju]

Just love him through it and let him know in no way does he deserve this treatment. He is worthy of respect and love. He is not responsible for her behaviour.

[CLKD]

It's never too late but the change has to come from the abused person.  Let your Bro know that he's loved and if he wants to walk away then it's OK to do so. 

Let us know how you get on!

[annieb]

I sent her an email setting out the issues as I thought maybe it would be easier as things can get said in the heat of the moment which may not help. Took me ages to compose the email as trying to get the right level of we're fed up with this while still trying to sound reasonable VERY difficult when all you really want to do is give her a good slap (and believe me I'm normally a very calm person!).  No reply yet !!