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[grumpy2008]

I don't know if this is a general age thing or hormonal (I suspect it's a bit of both) but during this meno lark I have found an ability to speak up for myself. I've bitten my tongue all my life, and I've pretty much always been the shoulder rather than the 'shouldee' if you know what I mean!!! Always the peace-maker, seeing things from all sides.

But heck, I'm starting to form opinions and even more surprising, I'm starting to say something! I don't mean politics or deep issues or anything like that, I mean little day-to-day irritations that I used to quietly tolerate.

The down side to all this is it has ruffled a few feathers. Some of you know that we had problems with our teenage daughter being bullied at school before Christmas, and I lost 2 'friends' over that (one of them wasn't even involved, she just took offence to the fact that I wasn't prepared to sit back and let it all happen). And today I've had another 'friend' get upset with me because I expressed myself and she didn't like it.

I don't want to be seen to be a grumpy old woman, but at the same time I feel like I'm being more true to myself... how do I get the balance right, before I scare all my friends off???! Or perhaps these friends aren't true friends anyway? I worry that I'm just getting more and more intolerant...?

One thing I've noticed is that for years I've shown concern, always worried about other peoples problems etc, but not once have any of these particular friends asked ME how I'm doing... Is it too much to ask?

Sorry, this is probably garbled! Peri brain!!!

[san]

I've done the same. "No more the fool" ... I've always been a bit blunt but now I don't hold back. Why bother? Life's to short, so if it winds me up I say so.
I really think its a age/meno thing. Also we've had to deal with parents, OH's, kids etc so maybe at our time of life the tables turn 

[sweettooth]

The one thing that really stands out for me in your post Grumpy is the fact that most  other people whom i have shown a genuine concern for are not really bothered. These people i have little or no tolerance for any more x

[Joyce]

I don't put up with being taken for a fool nowadays either.  I used to be quiet & timid and wouldn't say boo to a goose.  But these days I speak up.  I'm lucky though as nobody appears to have fallen out with me yet.  I do usually try and find a nice way to put people in their place.

[grumpy2008]

Thanks everyone, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one . I wouldn't deliberate upset someone of course, but now I have this voice, finding the right way to express it can be tricky. It just doesn't come naturally to me. I've always appreciated 'plain speaking' myself, because i like to know where I stand with people - but I guess not everyone feels that way.

Cook, I'm trying not to let other people's reactions to the 'new me' affect me too much, but it's difficult  . Sweettooth, I've been very disappointed that certain friends have reacted so badly, but quickly realised that these are the people who probably used too much of my energy without giving anything back  . Cubagirl, like you I've always been reserved - maybe that's why it's so much of a shock to others... even though I'm trying to express myself tactfully!

I guess this time of life is not called the 'change' for nothing! I really feel like I'm changing as a person...

[CLKD]

I've often bitten my tongue but no longer.  As for friends walking away, well if those don't ask how I am occasionally they are off my Ch.mas card list.  When I had depression and anxiety that list halved in 3 months  .

You go Girl!  I used to begin with "I am going to say this, you won't like it but ...... " 

Some of us are sponges 

[grumpy2008]

CLKD, I can relate to your whole post! I actually quite like being able to 'speak up' a bit, but I'm still uncomfortable with the reactions. My skin is still fairly thin. That's a good tip for an opening line... 

[CLKD]

What is a friend?  Friend requirements alter as we age.  I find that younger women tolerate my moans and groans better than my own age group 

[flushtered]

I've always been quite reserved, but do find that I am beginning to change in this way too.  I do think that there has to be a happy medium/fine balance though, as I would not like to end up being thought of as a cantankerous old woman many years down the line and do think that some of our elders end up making this mistake and alienating friends and family.

[grumpy2008]

Yes CLKD, you're right about the friends we need... I've moved on from some over the years but still think of them fondly... it's just that recently I've had a few drop away because of (and this is my assumption) of the changes in me. And I'm guessing they won't be looking back at me fondly  . Ho hum.

I'm actually finding who my real friends are at the moment.

just me, it's the cantankerous line that I'm worried about crossing, I can start to see me moving in that direction in years to come! Hubby says I'm worrying too much. He thinks it's great I'm sticking up for myself at last.

[CLKD]

This is a really interesting topic!  I have no idea how I 'come over' to others 

Old habits die hard though and if we are to be content in our new selves during and after The Change, we need to make sure we can say what we mean.  When we are upset we should be allowed to say so  .......... it's the how and when that might be tricky 

Grumpy: have you tried contacting these people to find out why they have gone from your Life?  Maybe they would like to reconnect but ........ you could tell them that 'this is the way I felt then but I would be interested in how I came over to you at that time  ....... '  unless you don't want them back in your Life.  Did they send C.mas cards for example?

[grumpy2008]

CLKD, there's definitely one of the friends I'm better off without (don't want to bore you with details) but I'm hoping the others will be ok when we get chance to talk... not yet... but I'm sure we won't be so close. You're right that it's the 'how and when' that's tricky.

Haha, I'm not sure i want to know how I come over to others right now, still feeling a bit sore - but i definitely know how these friends have 'come over' to me! Sigh.

I've been thinking that at this stage of life we need to conserve our (dwindling!) energy, so have to be more careful who we spend it on perhaps?

[Js]

Well me and OH had a bit of a row the other day he said that I was always moaning about something and he was getting tired of it, we'll I have a lot to be moaning about the usual really. Work, a teenage son, weather, headaches, life in general , I must say I do seem to be speaking up for myself a bit more too I have always been one for a quiet life but in doing so have been a bit of a mug and am realising it now a bit late in life but I'm thinking why should I keep putting up with this crap and now fighting back and hubby don't like it . Well I know we should discuss things and as we have been married for 35 years should be used to each other by now so maybe it is me but am I changing into a moany old woman that no one wants to talk to I hope not.

Js

[CLKD]

I have the habit of shouting at the TV  - like my attitude will alter anything.  DH rolls his eyes    ........ maybe we need to ask how we 'come over' so that we can be pro-active but not niggling with our comments?

[grumpy2008]

js, here's a hug for you 

It's a difficult time of life, being pulled in all directions, and if others have been used to us 'giving' all the time then it's a shock when we stand still and say 'no more'. I find myself moaning, too. My emotions are closer to the surface, and I don't think it's healthy to bottle it up completely. Actually, maybe we shouldn't see it as moaning... we're just seeing the world in a different light?

CLKD - shouting at the TV is safer than most things! LOL. I'm pretty sure that the way I 'come over' will be different depending on who I ask, not because I'm so different with different people, but because they all react differently...