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[flushtered]

I know we probably should not be bothered about how we 'come over' to other people, but I'm thinking of it from a mother/daughter point of view as my mum got really cantankerous (partly due to her illness though) which annoyed me to high heaven sometimes  and I read about members 'listening to mother' on the phone or being 'talked at' and while I can sympathise, I feel it's sad that our relationships go this way - but maybe it's inevitable? 

[rebecca]

This is an interesting topic.
My eldest daughter pointed out to me the other evening that I am always putting people in their place and giving them a hard time. I said - 'really ?' Yes she said, you are always shouting at waiters etc!  I was a bit taken back by her comment and started to analyse if she could be right. She said that at times it was embarrassing 

Maybe we have more confidence and experience in life.  I just have to be a bit more diplomatic as to how I come across I think!

Rebecca   

[grumpy2008]

It's hard to fight hormones/nature - I hate the thought of being seen as grumpy, but maybe going part-way there isn't a bad thing?

I was thinking about it last night in bed (felt hot, couldn't sleep, the usual stuff!) in my case what it boils down to is fear. Or lack of fear. I'm not frightened to speak up anymore. Whereas my daughter is filled with fear... fear of what people think. I guess most of us are like that when we are younger but the inhibition gets less as we get older?

I read somewhere that a woman's midlife is a time when her 'true self' pops back to the surface again and issues we thought we had dealt with have to be faced again. Sigh.

[CLKD]

If I knew when I was 18/20s what I know now about dealing with people and not taking any flakk! 

[Suzi Q]

Grump youve steepped out of the box that people have always seen you in
The careing one the one that listened the one that made no judgments
The one who was always nice kind considerate never had thought or strong opinions of her own as they saw you
ALL of a sudden your saying hang on a mo NO I dont agree and YES I have an opinion and its as valid as yours
Some pals wont like it in fact Id say most closish pals wont its now you find your true pals
GO forth be the you you are now say what you  think do what you really want to do stand up for yourself be strong
IN saying things you dont have to be nasty (not thnking youve been) just give your feelings your opnion you have one
Freindships arent one sided where 1 takes the other gives it a mix

I dont take B sssssssst anymore I stand up for myself mind I always did but I also needed to be liked
3 years of recog therapy taught me THIS IS me take me or leave me if you leave thats fine by me
I do the same with others if I dont like them I leave them
I have cut people out of my life now very ruthlessly if they dont bring something to the table in life fun conversation
Bobbles and I make jokes me  some nice people are Friday worthy some guduns are saturday worthy some get monday

[Firewalker50]

Friendships aren't one sided .......... so true Suzi Q.

I was really interested to read this.  In some ways I have become the opposite, or a mix of what you have all described.   I have lost confidence in ability and personal presence and I had extreme financial pressures until very recently.  I don't want any aggravation or confrontation and find it difficult to find the words to address matters.   I am also more withdrawn and quieter.  I have quite dominant people at work and in my family, so that may have influenced my thinking.

I also have less inclination to be with the friends who drain me - so I just keep back most of the time.

I, too, have been moaning more though (I hear mysef and don't like it) and that is not good for my friends.  (Mostly about Mum and responsibilities for others).

Not quite sure where I am at the moment with it all.  Don't like it though wherever it is.  I don't feel I am in a very happy place with others although I am not unhappy on my own if that makes sense. 

Perhaps I have withdrawn from the usual friends and unconsciously preparing to launch myself with new/different relationships that bring me more joy?  I like to think this since it is a positive move.

I am not blaming the other person(s).   I am different too.   

I know I want to be someone that people want to be with so this is as much my responsibility.

I can really understand when people find it difficult to deal with changing personalities.  Does not mean you are wrong.  Just means perhaps your relationship with them will become different or over.

Oh - on a weekend retreat 'Living with Harmony', part of it was to write down what our 'ideal living community / life community' would be like.   We had previously worked on personal values.
We then had to write down the people we would put into our community; the people who were a necessary part of our lives that had to live on the periphery; and that left those that we could drop or deal with differently.   I was distraught I only had 2 people to put in the community.   The rest had grown differently to me and they did not match my values or life community.   I did not feel so bad when my cousin with whom I have a very interesting relationship, had some the same and only come up with 2 people too.  She decided to change her life after that.

I guess I just need to get the energy/motivation and gumption to make a change in mine.

Fx

[grumpy2008]

Thank you SuziQ - you've said it in the words I couldn't find! Yes, I've stepped out of the box! Scary, but liberating.

Firewalker50, it's a funny thing but I am normally SO nonconfrontational. I hate it and usually walk away. It's what stops me from expressing myself, but this past few months I've had to say things I'd normally keep to myself, and I've found that it's not too bad after all (with the exception of the obvious fallout).

The exercise you did on your weekend retreat is an interesting one. I did something similar about 18 months ago when I was at a low ebb - I was horrified to realise that I had very few friends I could rely on, call if I needed to... most were draining in some way or other. I also think I would only put (eek) maybe 2 in my community. But what do we do about it???

[CLKD]

Live with the 2 you really like.  In a community there will be others  in all aspects as suggested.

I couldn't name 10 people I would like round our table for breakfast .......... whereas through my 20s/30s and into my 40s I had lots of people I interacted with.  A few would have dropped everything if necessary.  However, a couple who did 'drop everything' got fed up with me after 3 months    ....... nothing was said but the 'phone when required' message became 'we are busy' ............

It got me wondering whether we really do need to invest as much energy in others as we previously thought!  So now I 'use' those around me as required; those for poultry sitting, those for coffee and cake, those to go for walks with ........... and we know we can call on each other if and when.

[paisley]

Interesting topic. The meno certainly changes us. I dither far more than I used to and I hate confrontation and arguments now where once upon a time I would argue all night if need be and was convinced I was always right but now I see other points of view and I think before I speak which used to be unheard of for me. Perhaps it is just self preservation as I know all these things will just stress me more cos I am dealing with hormonal issues as well.

[flushtered]

I sometimes feel that I could live on my own and not interact with anyone - sounds very unsociable, but life would be much easier not having to do anything for anyone other than yourself.  Might get a tad boring though, I would probably turn into an old lady with cats 

[Firewalker50]

I sometimes feel that I could live on my own and not interact with anyone - sounds very unsociable, but life would be much easier not having to do anything for anyone other than yourself.  Might get a tad boring though, I would probably turn into an old lady with cats 

ooooooooo sounds so much like me.  So much easier at times.  Just Me.

Fx

[honeybun]

I have always been a compulsive people pleaser.It's something I am really trying to address. I have found my voice over some things but I find it very difficult.

I see myself "pleasing" and I try so hard not to. Actually my anxiety has forced me to say no because I simply can't.

My sister tells me that I do far to much for my family and they take advantage. I am trying to slowly change things. I ask for more help and complain if I don't get it.

I prefer my own company at the moment and the two friends that I was close to have disappeared. I just don't care.....if they only liked me because I said yes then they were not worth having.

Honeyb
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[Elena]

I'm like Paisley in that I used to be confrontational (to the point where my children begged me NOT to be) but now consider what I am saying before I speak.

Some of it may be that I was married to the most non-confrontational man in the western world so I had to fight everybody's battles.  My current partner is the complete opposite so that I find he does all the standing up for me and I dont need to.  I also think I have learned compassion over the years so now I think more about how others might be feeling.

[sweettooth]

Really strange for me to read this topic at this moment and time as i found myself in the same way of thinking lately. Now i have thought a bit like this before but this is different.....confidently determined.  It almost seems as if others is or has taken me for granted. I have always been the one to listen and i AM genuinely interested in other people and their problems but NOW the difference is I want something back ie interest in me or my life . I too am quite liking my own company but i dont want to get too cynical either. I dont want to change too much but like a lot of you ladies i am ditching the fakes!

[honeybun]

One so called friend ditched me......I was very hurt. She had been planning a birthday party for one of her son's. She was getting caterers in and as I used to do that for a living I said I would help her. Before I knew where I was I had been landed with the lot. Rather than a few sandwiches she was having a full day event and I was just to be there to cook. I was not even a guest. She even wanted my daughter as a waitress.

I lost so much sleep....Hubby insisted I told her I could no longer help. It took all my courage. I lost a "friend"

Who needs pals like that.

Sometimes speaking up is the hardest thing.

Honeyb
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