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[KaraShannon]

Hi all

I pretty much live alone I'm not married, I never planned on getting married, but I have a community of people around me so I've not exactly alone and it was by choice.  So that's not the problem here.

But my significant others are quite a distance away and some are older.  And I'm struggling to find a balance between going to see them and taking care of myself.  Part of taking care of myself is going to see at least one or two of them regularly, because not seeing them is tragic to me, it worries me more and they are not good with travel for various reasons.

But with my fatigue and their inability to travel for various reasons, one also has mental health issues, which are actually not a problem in anyway except that they cannot focus to organise a visit to me (and it's a 'can't' rather than a 'won't, and I don't push it because they are very overactive so it's easier for me to go to them and control the amount of time I'm with them).  I love this person in particular, so I don't want to not see them, but for example today I've got to travel halfway to their's to get a medication from a pharmacy that's only available there.  So it would be an ideal time to go the other half and see them, but I doubt I'll do it. 

I'm wiped out.  I'm a little anxious about the increases in break ins where I live, not been sleeping, not sleeping well in menopause anyway but that's making it heightened.  I'm just wrecked today.  Then there's all the food intolerances I've developed since 'the change' I ate soya yesterday and today my body is trying to get rid of it with a vengeance, so not a good time to travel, but it'll probably settle.

So much has changed in 2 years and my S/O's are older than me by at least a decade, so while I'm taking care of myself and saying I'm not up to it today, they are getting older by the minute. 

I just didn't think travelling an hour away would be such a task for me so soon at 53.  I thought I'd maybe start slowing that sort of thing down around 68 maybe, and only slowing down, but...

struggling, thinking about how old people never visit one another and sit alone in their homes and now wishing I'd sorted living nearer to others long before now (again, not so much for me but for them and because I can't be happy if they're not happy, plus I don't want to live a life where we never see each other)  But even if I look into it now (moving nearer to those I love), my mother is just around the corner from me and relying on me. 

It just all makes me sad.

[KaraShannon]

The other thing that bothers me, though its a lesser problem, is I've had spates of IBS since the pandemic.  Often it precedes a viral chest infection (maybe covid) but not always.  But because it returns a lot it's knocked my confidence and now I factor in managing that into travel etc, where I never had to think of such things before.  It's just a lot of change in a short time.  Not gradual at all.  I'm hoping that is long covid as it settled for a year and then started up again after another bout of it.  In that year my confidence returned.  Even 80% normality as per my previous life (of only 2 years ago) would be good.

[littleminnie]

Hi Kara, do you drive or would the visiting be on public transport?

[getting_old]

I'm not in the same position with family, but there are days when I really feel like doing anything at all is too much for me to cope with, and I have suffered with IBS problems for many years, so have some understanding of how you're feeling. I've also always been someone who dreads going to events but usually enjoys them once I get there, so I often force myself to do stuff because it builds my confidence and shows me that I can do it.
If visiting these people will give you joy then think about what you need to do to make it happen, and even if it feels difficult go, and then give yourself a pat on the back for doing it.

[KaraShannon]

Hi Kara, do you drive or would the visiting be on public transport?

I can do either littleminnie.  I do drive, yes.  It takes about 1 hour 30 mins (or 45 mins) one way and 2 hours roughly for the other person.

I'd like to book time to stay in their areas, but the person I'm closest to is also chaotic and you can never plan with them, not because they won't, they can't.  I realise I've got to sit down and plan all this myself and then let them know (and they would love it), but I'm always one step behind the changes I see.  As I say it all seems to have happened in the last 2 years and I'm not prepared.

Then I worry about it in one day and want to change everything in one day.  But today for example I'm not yet dressed (long story, I have been up for hours and busy), it's tiring sometimes just to sort all that out let alone then drive over, knowing I have the drive back as well.  I like driving, so it's not really a problem, but some days I'm just so wiped out. 

[KaraShannon]

I'm not in the same position with family, but there are days when I really feel like doing anything at all is too much for me to cope with, and I have suffered with IBS problems for many years, so have some understanding of how you're feeling. I've also always been someone who dreads going to events but usually enjoys them once I get there, so I often force myself to do stuff because it builds my confidence and shows me that I can do it.
If visiting these people will give you joy then think about what you need to do to make it happen, and even if it feels difficult go, and then give yourself a pat on the back for doing it.

You make a powerful point getting_old.  I need to make it happen, often that involves waking up and just going for it before I think about it too much.  I wish I didn't have to use those strategies, never had to in the past, I would just get on the road and go.  Curious what makes things harder as we get older, or is it age, because 3 years ago it wasn't a problem and we've had the pandemic etc, and not been going due to that.  In that time I've gone on hrt and been in peri menopause.  Maybe it's just the stage I'm at rather than 'things are slowing down for good,' but I'm still acutely aware that while they have more energy than me and very busy, they are 12 years older than me and I feel it's sad that we are not seeing each other while still young, ish, lol

[Katherine]

Karashannon I know what you mean about the energy thing. My family are also far away. I now have to plan to travel in the part of my cycle where I have the most energy. Sometimes I wake up on the day and I’m just too tired to travel. Travel also tired me out now. I’m only 47 and never expected to feel like this at my age. I really do think it’s hormonal. I’m going to try testosterone in a few months if things don’t improve. One thing I find helpful if I know I’m travelling on a given day is to have a bath, pack my things, plan my journey, etc, the day before so in the day I have little to do before I go. I find if i sit down with my phone or iPad or think too much it seems to sap my drive to go out so it’s best if I get up, have breakfast, get dressed and go. For some reason I find screens and thinking too much very draining these days!