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[Sooby]

Someone I know got married this weekend after some soul searching, much deliberation and I dare say a little doubt.

An independent, successful, mature lady with children in their late teens who was already co-habiting.

It got me thinking about why mature women get married, and why men do too for that matter? Is it financial security or a second flush of romantic optimism?

Reading your posts it seems that so many of us are set in our ways and happy with who we are so I wondered...are we ever too long in the tooth to totter up the isle?

   

[CLKD]

I married because I fell in love with, continued to love the man I was/am with.  Had we had the option of not walking up the aisle and using the money towards a property we would have done so.  But it wasn't 'done' in those days  .  One of his female relatives took me to one side to say "I'm so pleased that you didn't live together like the modern couples do"  - if only she had known.

I wouldn't marry again.  I don't know that I would share a house  - we've been married over 40 years by now ........ set in my ways.  Anxiety would probably keep me at arms' length?

I don't think it's ever too late!  It really is a personal choice.  Maybe some haven't experienced the whole bells and whistles, veils and flowers 1st time round for various reasons. 

I do think that younger people are spending too much on 'weddings' then complaining that they are unable to get onto the housing ladder ;-) - why not have a nice quiet wedding now and then say, after 25 years, go the whole hog!

[Sooby]

Thanks CLKD,

               it's interesting that you feel you wouldn't have married if you didn't feel social obligation or moral pressure.

   I don't and have never felt obliged to marry for those reasons but I am still drawn to the idea of marrying for love. Marriage as a public declaration, a promise spoken aloud.

              Do you think thats just a load of sentimental old hooey?

[Ju Ju]

Interesting. I got married in 1980. It's a long story, but to cut it short, I thought a happy marriage and children wouldn't happen for me and I was all set to make my life happy as a single lady. Then along came DH. It took him a while to convince me to marry him, which I did because I wanted him in my life and thought him worth the risk! We had to marry as he was a policeman and you couldn't 'live in sin' in those days. He had to get permission to marry me from the chief constable! Yep, police checks and all that! Also my parents are religious, but the wedding was taken out of my hands. Not the best day of my life, until we went off alone in the evening.

Would I have got married today? Possibly not. I appreciate the commitment DH made to me. Somehow it made me feel more secure, which is daft considering how many couples get divorced.

My son had to get married just to be able to stay with his girlfriend, as she is American. He was not ready for such a commitment, but it was that or being parted. But he says he is glad he has and doesn't have to make that decision.

My daughter has been with her partner for 15 years. She can't see the point of getting married, having been bridesmaid to 3 friends who have all divorced since. She's very happy with her partner. They are committed to each other and have a child.

I know so many people who have got divorced. My DD once said to me that she and her brother were in a small minority. Not only were her parents still married, but were happily so.

I think why our relationship works, apart from the fact we love, respect and trust each other, is that we are not together to complete each other. We are survivors on our own, but life is better together. I can't imagine having a relationship, let alone marrying anyone else.

[CLKD]

Nope.  Most cultures recognise all parts of Life: Birth, Marriage and Death - The Chief Rabbi gave her 'thought for today' on Radio2 at 9.15 this morning and said quite rightly that we don't see death in the modern age.  That we should learn to mourn and maybe begin new ceremonies.

Whereas weddings have continued in similar ways as they are more 'out there'. Thinking of many different cultures, weddings can go on for days  ..... some are self chosen for each other, others have partners picked for them .......    Weddings have always been a declaration in front of friends and family.  Even those arranged throughout Royal history, the ceremonies were in front of courtiers and lookers-on.  Pomp in extreme.

Weddings have to be witnessed even if by strangers in the case of a Register Office because the Registrar is present in the Office. 


I *fell* literally.    Having been in love from the age of 11 to a chap who ditched me at age 13    I knew what it was to be in love as well as loved.  My man also swept me off my feet ........    .  I had the veil, long dress, flowers, brides-maids ...... cake ....... then we went away.  Right away 

I love to see a frothy wedding  ......... Christenings or Dedications aren't given quite the same 'fuss'.  In fact, my sister was Christened in a private ceremony with a few family members present. 

[dulciana]

..............................................I *fell* literally.    Having been in love from the age of 11 to a chap who ditched me at age 13    I knew what it was to be in love as well as loved.  My man also swept me off my feet ........    .  I had the veil, long dress, flowers, brides-maids ...... cake ....... then we went away.  Right away    .........................

Oh, CLKD, I fell in love when I was 11, too - I just didn't know it, although my eleven-year-old brain registered his presence, in some abstract way.   Ten years later, I started going out with this person and we've now been married for 34 years!   

[Annie0710]

I'm getting married in just over 2 weeks !

Just me and him and we'll meet the witnesses when we get there. 

Why am I ? I'm nearly 51, divorced at 36 after 17 years and said I'd never remarry.  Had a disastrous 7 yr relationship after that with a man I constantly refused to marry.

Then I met the guy I'd known all my life.  I offered him friendship only then 2 days later told him I never want him out of my life, fortunately he thought the same and we've been together nearly 8 years.  He's my bestest friend forever and my rock.  He was the one mentioning marriage a few times and couple of years ago whilst away for my birthday he took me to a jewellers to buy an engagement ring, then last year he took me abroad for my 50th and said about planning a wedding.  We don't need a fuss, our kids are all adults but we don't have any parents alive so want to do this alone.  I want to be with him forever and make it official x

[Sooby]

Thanks Juju,

               I do understand the commitment thing that you refer to and yet you are right that for many it dosent save them from the divorce courts. I don't break my promises so for me a marriage is a greater commitment than cohabiting as the promise makes it for life while the co-habiting makes it for the moment. 

               I think its possible to have a relationship that embodies all the great bits of a marriage without getting wed and equally I think that a wedding ( regardless of the pomp and public declaration ) does not make a marriage.

              I find it really interesting that those of you who are married and clearly love your partners do not seem keen on the idea  of marriage again?

             Why wouldn't you marry again? and if you would do it again would you do anything different if you did it again?
 

[Sooby]

Aw Annie,

    congratulations! Sounds like the two of you will have a perfect day.

      When I was young people used to tell me that I would want to get married if I met the right man. I concluded that the right man would be a man who loved me and really wanted to marry me.

      I have spent lots of years avoiding men who wanted marriage and all that goes with it.

      Now I'm older though the whole thing puzzles and intrigues me? I'm not afraid of it as I once was but I do still have mixed feelings about if and am always interested in why that is.

[Sooby]

Oh Breeze, your sons wives to be might have a different idea about how they want to mark possibly the most emotional and spiritual day of their lives.

I dont think that weddings need to cost the earth but I do think that they should be special and mean something to the couple involved. I have friends who think a quick registry office sesh is just the job.

For me though, such a monumental event deserves a dash of solemnity and a splash of celebration.

The great thing about modern weddings is that the couple get to do it their way, how ever that may be.

Interesting how many women that had all the conventional trappings, frock, party, guests, romance, religion etc often discourage others from doing what they did. I wonder why that is?

[Sooby]

Sounds perfect Breeze.


     I guess the saying that its not how big it is but what you make of it is true for weddings.

The last wedding we went to the bride confessed to me that she had exceeded their 24 k budget!

It was his second wedding but her first so perhaps they wanted to make a statement. The pressure that couples must be under to try and create a perfect day when they are investing so much money must be immense.

[Ju Ju]

My friend got married one November, registrar office wedding with family and close friends, followed by a bonfire party. Sounds perfect to me.

[Annie0710]

ive bought what I think is a beautiful dress for £80, fiancé has a bought a nice suit with waistcoat, lovely flowers and and matching for his suit for £28, my ring was £49 in the sale, his is £99 in the sale. Make up girl is charging me £58.   Then we went all out for just under 2k for the full package of bagpiper, videographer, photographer and vintage car so the kids have a keepsake each of what we shared privately.  We will go straight back to hotel and get changed, have dinner then come home next day then off to Spain for 10 nights

[Sooby]

Oh Annie I think you've nailed it!

   and I bet you have enjoyed creating your perfect day without spending any more than you have to.

   I do think that mature weddings are less about what you spend and more about how you spend your time.

   

[peri]

Good luck with the wedding Annie, how exciting.

Sooby I said 'I do' for the second time at 46.  I didn't think I'd ever want to get married again but my new husband did and surprisingly I found I wanted the same.  We did the whole thing for under 5k. This included a designer wedding dress which was in the sale for £300 (if was beautiful), and the ceremony and meal at my favourite venue but for immediate family (22 of us) only.  It was small and intimate and really lovely.  We did have a bigger party in the evening for friends but we were able to enjoy a fantastic honeymoon as we hadn't overspent and I felt as though we got the best of all worlds.  My sister spent over 20k on her wedding (it was her first time) but I thought mine was perfect x