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[Lizab]

A little update: my dear friend insisted on driving me into town for some shopping today. I went to the supermarket! It seems ridiculous to be so proud, but it has been months since I could handle a supermarket. I had to pop in a few smaller offices too, taking care of business while I was out, but also managed a big chain hardware store. The hardware store feels huge because I had had a hot flash-turned-panic-attack in there last year just before everything turned bad for me.
Today was a major boost to me in two ways. One, I have been dying to get out and be "normal", and that felt really good. And two, I see now that I'm really not ready to be doing these things on my own and with kids in tow. We did have little ones with us, but with an extra pair of eyes I didn't have to be super-attentive to the kids when I needed to sort of breathe and direct my focus. I had several moments of panic trying to creep in, little  "oh my! I'm not sure I can do this" moments. But I never gave in to the feelings, mainly because I thought how silly the whole situation would be if my friend had to manage all of our children, as well as crazy little me losing my mind in the middle of the store.

Where to go from here? I'm not sure. I plan to keep as active as possible and try not to be timid about asking friends to go with me. I do feel like it's all related to menopause as when I feel overwhelmed, I seem like my grandmother. I act exactly like she did. She often seemed overwhelmed, had to leave the store for fresh air, was put off by strong smells of cigarettes or perfume, etc. This is all new for me in the last year. Only a year ago I would have rolled my eyes at her sensitivity to everything. Now I completely relate.

[CLKD]

When I was taking The Pill all I could smell was garbage.  After I stopped taking it I suddenly realised that I could smell the roses again, literally. HORMONES 

Highly powered smells cause me to react.  I no longer go to the Theatre as 1 of the reasons is that all the perfumes and after shaves affect me badly. 

Don't worry about asking your friends to join you whilst shopping, as long as they don't go into panic mode, there's not much more than a girl likes is the excuse for a shopping trip 

[Lizab]

It's not so much that I hate to inconvenience anyone, though that is part of it, but I feel punished. I can't go anywhere unless someone agrees to go with me. But I'm having more good days so maybe it won't be too much longer of this. I'm keeping a positive mind about it.

[CLKD]

It is what it is?  This too will pass.  Think of it is progress?  Maybe your friends feel good that they can help out.

I prefer being alone in case I panic  so there are very few people I can travel with.  In case  .

[Lizab]

I do see it as progress, CLKD. Most definitely. I don't know how to explain that I was beginning to feel as if my aversion to going out was simply some notion I created in my head and I really have no reason to stay home, but at the same time I have wanted so badly to get back to normal life. I guess the way to say it is that I thought maybe I've been imagining or exaggerating my problem. You know, they say to face it all head on and the anxiety will go away. I did enjoy getting out and felt very safe with my friend because she has anxiety issues too and knows every detail of what I have been going through. Even though I knew I was secure and enjoying myself, I still had to hush my nerves several times. This tells me that it's not something I've created for myself, and since I managed well yesterday hopefully I can practice managing it more. I'm not sure if any of that makes sense. I have had a lot of time to think over these months, and there is lots of pressure to get back out there, you know, "Go out, get out of the house, it will make you feel better" as if I was choosing this hell for myself. I started to believe that. But yesterday I saw that there really is something (physical?) to this, and more importantly, that it's getting better. So that is progress.

[Milamam]

Hi Lisab,
Great job! Excellent progress, great for you!
The key is small steps at a time! Give yourself a praise for every single achievement. Sometimes it angers me that the others, including my husband, don't seem to understand how little steps mean soo much for us - for encouragement and appreciation mostly! Give yourself a pat on the back and celebrate!
When I was at my worst, two years ago, I couldn't go to the subway, couldn't take the kids out, couldn't go in large shops or malls, at one point I couldn't go to the local small grocery! It was trully awful and I was desperate and convinced it won't get better!
But slowly, with HRT, I began to do little ventures - small steps. First the local grocery. I would come back home and literaly say to myself out loud how proud I am that I did it! Then little by little everything else - malls, shops, entertainment for kids, etc. One of my biggest achievements was riding the subway again alone - after almost two years! Remember calling hubby to share how proud I am!
Next :  last summer began driving our large SUV again, travelled alone on planes, but everytime, even now, I pause, say how grateful I am and congratulate myself. Sounds funny but I was in a really dark place and I will never forget it. This has made me grateful really for every small thing that I am able to do now!

I am sure you will get there! Just be patient with yourself , grateful for what you can do now snd don't push yourself to do more tgan you are ready for. The readiness will come!!

Milamam

[Lizab]

Thank you, Milamam! The success stories like yours are very encouraging to me. Keeping my eye on the future!

[CLKD]

I have never thought that it was imagination!  My first panic attack was at age 3. 

For me it's the physicality that floors me so that I am unable to do anything.  For a while I couldn't go into our garden, I was unable to go into the village shop and as for going further from home 

I stop a while when coping and consciously take it all in.  How well I feel, where I am; appreciate the scenery etc..

[Milamam]

This is mindfulness, CLKD! Great for you!

It is soo dismal to try and understand and accept that menopause can change us. I literaly changed overnight from a highly active women whose job was to travel and work alone in the most dangerous places on earth  ( Syria, Iraq, Egypt, Palestine) to a shaking nervous housebound ill sick wreck. Not that I am missing my old life but I know I am now more paced and more careful with my emotions and physiological health than I was before.  I am more calm and more content now despite Being a stay-home mom now . I then question now whether personal satisfaction really comes from within us and not from the jobs we do or the people we please. There was really so much to learn for me during this journey, and more to come I guess!

[CLKD]

You were living on adrenaline probably so had to experience the 'come down' which can be awful?  R U writing 'the book'?

Personal satisfaction can be gained by doing a 'good job' whether it be child raising, animal rescue, journalism, volunteering - I think it depends on how grounded the individual might be and of course, we change depending on where we are in Life's Journey.  I would have had more job satisfaction in the NHS had the support from our immediate 'boss' been better than than her scaring us all …….. now I wouldn't put up with bullying in the workplace but at 18  .

As I aged I learnt to say 'no' more easily so that no-one is dependant upon me.  I'll step up if necessary but with background support in case panic takes over. 

It is what it is ;-)