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[Lizab]

As some of you know, I've had a hard time since last fall. I finally got on hrt and I believe up to the appropriate level. I feel so much better, energy-wise, physically, and emotionally. I've been getting out more with my family and more active around the house. My last mountain to cross to feel back on my feet was to get out by myself, without my husband or friends driving me. Today I was eager to do that and drive my children to a checkup. I didn't make it. I began to panic before leaving my neighborhood, pulled over to compose myself, knew I would be fine, and went on my way. I made it two minutes on the highway, keeping the anxiety in control, when I began to feel light-headed and felt it was a bad idea to continue so I returned home. Now I feel like a complete failure. I'm not sure why this is happening to me. I'm shattered.

[CLKD]

You will be shattered.  Panic attacks take up a LOT of energy.  However: think what you actually achieved! You went out, you stopped and got the panic under control before trying again.  OK you didn't reach your goal but this is not failure but not reaching your original plan.

Could you have an anti-anxiety pill to take on an 'as necessary' basis?  Not to rely upon but knowing it's there might make a HUGE difference.

[Lizab]

Thank you, CLKD. I know I shouldn't beat myself over it, but I really thought I was well enough to carry on and leave the anxiety woes behind. It was a no-win situation. If I continued, I was going to have a full attack. Turning back made me feel inadequate and depressed and like I'll never succeed in having my life back. I am lightyears ahead of where I was several months ago, and I've only been on  my current dose of estrogen 3 weeks. These last 3 weeks I have improved immensely, so maybe with a little more time I'll improve more. Truthfully, I was already having an emotional day, but I thought I was strong enough to put my emotions aside and go anyway.  You are right, several weeks ago I wouldn't have had the guts to try! But this little vacation from life is getting boring and depressing. I so hoped I could get back out there and move on today. This is not me. The life of a hermit is killing me!

[Ju Ju]

CLKD is right! This is not a failure! Maybe not what you wanted to do, which may have been a bit too ambitious too soon, but look at what you did do! Well done!

[Justjules]

Lizab, do not feel like a failure!  I did this and beat myself up about it all the time.  My therapist taught me to be 'kinder to myself' and although it sounds easy, it does make a difference if you try.  Just saying to yourself 'all is well' and things like 'well done Lizab' might sound nutty but it works.  I also put my hand over my heart a lot now and tell it it's doing a wonderful job and thank it - even when it's going like the clappers at 6:00am in the morning.  All tactics to make you less anxious and with practice, do work.  Telling yourself you're a failure just adds to it.  Read some stuff about self-compassion on the internet - there's loads of info and good reading.

xx

[Milamam]

Don't beat yourself up!!! You've done sooo much since the start of all this! Maybe its too a high goal for now? Focus on feeling a lot better around the house, enjoy your family and your more stable moods before you aim at getting out by yourself on the highway! Little steps! The girls are right - 3-4 weeks is nothing for a regime to work, so be gentle to yourself! I know we are pushed (by others) to get back to our old selfs as quick as possible. Don't succumb to this push! Listen to yourself - everymorning - and figure out truely what you fancy doing ( opposite to what you SHOULD be doing). Forget the word SHOULD. Be gentle and patient with yourself and congratulate yourself for really every little corageous moment! You are already doing so much so soon!

Milamam

[CLKD]

How have you been today, tired?

When I was housebound in the 1990s for 3 months I thought I would never step into our garden again.  I have had to learn when to say 'no' and when to take the medication.  Yesterday I wanted to go to see 2 friends who were singing locally but my gut began it's old tricks so I decided after lunch that I wouldn't push it.  Currently that's the only thing I don't do, that is, go to a theatre or folk club - it makes me really sad but Himself and I do other stuff.

Even 5 years ago I would never have considered walking round Peterborough Antiques Fair 

[Lizab]

I feel fair today, not bad and not great. I have been a little nauseated for 3 days, and feel a little heavy in the womb. Perhaps I'm trying to ovulate? By the calendar I'm due to begin progesterone this weekend, but today would be about day 14 since my last period began. I always start before I finish the progesterone. I bet my own hormones are trying to maintain. That could partially explain my irrational anxiety and such yesterday. I do remember when I did have predictable periods that I always had a flip-flop mood day around ovulation where I felt off for a day or two.

What you say about never going out to your own garden resonates. It seems absolutely nuts to me now, but I was in the same shape over the winter. I am definitely improving. It makes me feel better to know that you rebounded from this too. I know women suffer from anxiety in menopause, but when it's disrupting my own life, I feel like I've lost my mind and I'm the only one and it will never get better. I know how ridiculous and irrational that is, but try telling me that when I'm worrying or crying.

Edit: I forgot to mention. Last night, well after I was calmed and cried out, I had the little flip-floppy thing with my heart when I was in bed reading. It's been quite awhile since that's happened. That adds to my suspicion that my own hormones are fluctuating at the moment.

[CLKD]

I've never been aware of my heart ……. nor did I know when I ovulated  .  I was pretty regular in my moods and bleeds though, 28-32 days apart. 

Depression can make a person feel helpless.  As can panic attacks which lead me to be housebound  .  I try not to look any further than half a day at a time!

[Lizab]

I think that's what shattered me yesterday.  I had fallen into depression from being housebound in dealing with all the anxiety and everything else. It is depressing to feel trapped and dependent. I've been feeling much better and was excited to get back to normal, and it didn't work out, for the one day. It will work out.

[CLKD]

I never let our fridge/pantry run down so that I am forced to go shopping.  I try to go to supermarkets when it's less likely to be busy.  I always have an escape route from shops, I tend to 'drop by' friends rather than making appts. to visit.  It's about managing the day so that there are less opportunities for panic to take a hold!

[Dulciana]

Today I was eager to do that and drive my children to a checkup. I didn't make it. ...........I made it two minutes on the highway, keeping the anxiety in control, when I began to feel light-headed and felt it was a bad idea to continue so I returned home. Now I feel like a complete failure. I'm not sure why this is happening to me. I'm shattered.

Lizab - this happened to me about six years ago.  I went into a panic four times in one journey along a similar road.  I honestly though my last hour was about to come, each time.  It made me feel like a failure, too, after the event.  I still won't drive on anything other than "ordinary" roads, because I'm scared of being scared!  I just think, safety comes first and panicking behind the driving wheel isn't safe.  You took control of the situation and returned home.  That's not being a failure - that's showing great presence of mind.   

[Lizab]

Thank you, Dulciana. My children were with me and when I told my son I was sorry but we were going to turn back, he said "That's ok. It wasn't meant to happen today. If you're feeling lightheaded you're doing the right thing. You definitely shouldn't be driving." Of course, he was probably thrilled to be free of his dental exam I'm convinced I could have made it, but stopping every so often to get control, the 30 minute drive in high traffic would have turned to a 2 hour drive! I was totally fine with the anxiety in my chest, but when I started feeling a little light and dizzy, it was too risky. I know people say just breathe and relax, and that's why I did when I was back home, but I haven't mastered turning it off when I have other distractions, like driving.

[Dulciana]

That's one supportive son you've got there, Lizab.
D.

[linz57]

Small steps Lizab, don't try to do everything in one go. I must say you sound like you've made great improvement by even getting out in the car , so give yourself a pat on the back for that. Sometimes it can be two steps forward and then one step back but at least it's heading in the right direction. Well done to you👍