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[BrightLight]

Hi Mandz So glad you are writing here, sorry that you are in turmoil, it sounds horrible for you.  I just wanted to say that I have experienced a lot of difficult feelings in the last few years, lots of it related to bereavement and I do think my hormones going up and down have made everything much worse.  I also have had to revisit the death of my father when I was 12 and finally come to terms with it (I wasn't aware that I hadn't!).  I think this time of life can challenge anything that we are already dealing with that is hard or bring to the surface things we have pushed aside.

I think the important thing I wanted to say was that self compassion was my starting point to feeling more in control and accepting where I was at and begin to put things back into order and feel better about my situation.  I can't say I feel great because it feels like things have changed and me along with it, but I am coming to terms with things and in truth I am the same person, but the 'washing machine' of the last few years has been tough.

Its so hard to stop and be with ourselves when we are judging ourselves, feeling not ourselves, frustrated, afraid, all sorts of things which can happen when we have a lot of things going on at the same time.  Our minds go into overdrive and it's not helpful I find.  The real you is still there, I'm sending you some encouragement to dig deep, breathe deep and tell yourself nice things, comfort yourself and see what you want to do from there, what you need, who you need to speak too.  Sounds a bit scary to have lots of people and medication involved and sounds as if you need to regain a sense of control in what is happening for you. 

Please keep writing while you figure it out x

[Lizab]

I can certainly relate. You are describing exactly where I've been the past 6 months. I cried, I felt sorry for myself,  I was angry with myself for crying and feeling sorry for myself. I desperately tried to make heads or tails of what was wrong with me, because whatever was going on just wasn't me! And it seemed to come suddenly from nowhere. I was fine one day, then I felt I couldn't be bothered with anything anymore in my daily life, then could hardly get out of bed, and I felt like I was becoming another child for my husband to care for. He was having to do everything, working, caring for the children, and caring for me. I was useless. My friends and family kept saying I needed to go out, and deep down I wanted to, because I certainly didn't want to feel like I was feeling, but I couldn't do anything. I cried about life passing by while I sat unable to participate. I thought I'd never cook a meal again. I still haven't started driving again, but I will. I dragged myself up for my husband to take me to the doctor, and told the doctor I'd lost my mind. He checked me over and very kindly said "You're not crazy. Something's off." It hasn't been an instant fix. How I wish he had a magic wand to wave and make me better! It's been weeks into months of try this, still not right, adjust that, now try this. And I'm still not back to myself. But my head is above water now! I can see that things are improving. I still have days where I'm paralyzed by an awful feeling, and on those days, in the moment, I'm right back to feeling it will never get better. But it IS getting better! And I think you will too!

I hesitate to advise anything on your meds, as we're all different and I haven't found my perfect balance yet. I will say that any of our endocrine hormones can wreak havoc on our minds. You don't say much about your physical state. What stage of menopause are you in? Have you had any hormone levels checked (reproductive, thyroid, blood sugars, cortisols)?

Feel free to vent and spill it all on here. I know I have and these ladies have been an enormous help in making sense of it all.

[Lizab]

Oh, in rereading I see sbout your hysterectomy and ovaries. I'm sorry I missed that. My heart was drawn to the feeling you posted.

[CLKD]

Could you be grieving?  Have you thought to contact your local CRUSE group? run by bereaved for the bereaved?  Or a walk in MIND group, if you send an e-mail to them you should get a reply with the options and times.

It takes a while for the medication to kick in.  Use these 4 weeks to rest as much as possible and allow the medication to work.  I take 40mg BB at night plus 5mg of Anti-depressant, as well as 5mg AD in the morning.  I have an emergency pill if the anxiety overwhelms me.

You will cope when your Mum dies.  If you get on together, i.e. don't argue and have similar interests, visit as much as you are able to.  Don't put off seeing her because that's giving your brain more to dwell on. 

Did the Duty Doctor ring back (haven't read all there respouses as I'm tired today)

[Kathleen]

Hello Mandz.

I wanted to send you  big hug and as you can see you are not alone.

I tend to get nervous and jittery and only a little tearful but I have a friend who is experiencing all that you have described. She tells me she often sits for hours, unable to move or motivate herself to do anything. She cries often as well and says she wonders what she is existing for. She is one year older than me and is also menopausal.

I can't add to the good advice you've been given but you are deserving of sympathy because you are suffering. When I talk to my friend we never judge each other because we understand how horrible this time in our lives can be. The lovely ladies on this forum serve the same purpose and whatever happens you have us to lean on.

Wishing you well and take care.

K.

[Sooby]

So many wonderful, worldly and wise women on this forum and I think they have your plea for help covered. So my only pearls of wisdom are to try and see your present "personality transplant" as symptomatic of your hormones, perfectly natural, absolutely understandable, totally fixable and only temporary. Those who love you know how unhappy you are with how you feel and dont love you any less because of it.

This truly is the bleakest time and genuinely hard to bare but you will finally find the right combination of meds, understand yourself more, get the support and information that you need and find yourself again.

 

[Ju Ju]

 

Dear Mandz, do consider talking to someone from Cruse Bereavement. It is free, though they do needs contributions. It is confidential and you will be given a 'safe space' to talk about your bereavement, however long ago it happened. Sometimes talking to someone who is not emotionally involved is easier and freeing, with space to cry. The volunteer should be non judgemental. Sometimes, unresolved grief is the root of sadness many years on.

[Mandz]

All your replys have really meant everything to me just now

I NEEDED SOMEONE TO SAY " I understand" and you all have........thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart".....

I can't believe there that I've been able to cry so much or feel so lost and alone.....

lifes passing me by and I'm not living it..... And I ache inside because of it

[Mary G]

Mandz, I am so sorry that you are going through this hell.  I think you are suffering from the loss of your stepfather and I know how you feel.  My brother died suddenly and completely unexpectedly in 2014 at the age of just 55.  I have not got over it and I don't think I ever will, it was such a terrible shock and so difficult to live with and my parents will never be the same again.  His funeral was the worst day of my life and still haunts me.  Death of a loved one is the most difficult thing to come to terms with and takes a very long time. 

I'm afraid I don't know anything about ADs but others have been very helpful on this.  You are only 48 and I think you are on the wrong type of HRT which will not be helping you at all.  Oral HRT is not the best type (much of it gets lost in your digestive system) and I think you need to switch to the oestrogen gel.  I did not find the oral HRT or the patches very effective and because you have had a hysterectomy, you don't need to ruin the positive oestrogen effect with progesterone and all the problems that can cause with depression etc.  I think that it would be a good idea to change to the gel as soon as possible, see how you get on with it and them have a rethink on all the other medication.  You might find you don't need ADs if you can get your oestrogen dose right. 

I hope that helps.

[jedigirl]

Mandz,
I wish I could wrap my arms around you and hug you for the longest while. I was where you are 2 years ago and currently not feeling great due to family circumstances. Two year ago I was losing weight rapidly with severe nausea, flushing, heart palpitations and crippling anxiety to the extent of begging my 76 year old mum not to leave me on my own at home. I was gripped  Who is such a stomach churning fear that it took my breath away . It was totally irrational and made me feel alien to my own kids. I had days where I shook and retched with anxiety, weeks when I lived at the gps.After a zillion tests ,HRT ,counselling and ADs got me back to myself. I am quite well now and you will be again I promise.
Get a good counsellor who specialises in women's health. Maybe book a double appointment with gp so you can fully explain how you are and ask for a review of yr medications. Take hubby who can maybe back you up with how it's affecting home life.
I wish you lots of luck xxxx

[Mandz]

I wish I could get some of these hugs from you all for real ....and return the favour!


Clkd - I've read quite a few of your forum pages, a lot has struck a few chords with me xx

Xx

[GypsyRoseLee]

Hello Mandz

I really understand what you're going through. My peri journey has been a hellish rollercoaster ride of random anxiety, extreme mood swings and bouts of nasty depression which come and go, out of the blue.

When it first started I thought I was having a nervous breakdown. At my worst, I would wake my poor DH in the middle of the night begging him to take me to A&E as I felt
so scared and panic striken. The only other time I have experienced anything like this was years ago when I had PND. This made me do some research into hormones, which led me to this place.

I agree with others that maybe your meds are hindering you, rather than helping? I tried Mirtrazapine last year and felt it intensified my symptoms rather than suppressed them. I also don't seem able to tolerate Sertraline either.

If panic and anxiety are your worse culprits I can highly recommend Amitriptyline. It is an older tri cyclic AD but is very gentle and safe. I took it when I had PND and it really helped. It makes you feel very chilled out, even slightly dreamy? You're still fine to drive and work etc, but it allows your brain to rest and recover from the awfulness of the anxiety. You sleep like a log too, which is so beneficial.

I also took Amitriptyline 2 years ago when I first started with these peri symptoms, and I was a complete mess! Having to take days off work. Scared to be on my own. Shaky hands. Near tears much of the time. Like you, my GP put me on BBs too.

But through taking Amitriptyline I found I didn't need the BBs anymore (I didn't find them any help against the anxiety anyway).

Anyway, just an alternative for you to think about. I am confident you will get better. This awful anxiety steals your ability to think rationally or logically. But I promise that one day all this will seem like a distant dream. My Mum had a dreadful perimenopause and suffered terribly with panic attacks and 'her nerves'. She had days when she couldn't get out of bed. But she can barely remember any of it now, and I actually remember far more than her.

Please don't lose hope (I know how that feels) as this really won't, and physically CAN'T last forever. Keep posting, as we're all very happy to listen and hold your hand.

[Mandz]

Thank u GRL xxxxx

I'm a mess, I look a mess my skins a mess------

Before I was put on the mirtazapiine I told the doc I've been sleeping fine.....but being  put on this I could sleep 24/7...

I feel Ive tried fighting a battle that I'm losing ...... I dread waking up tomorrow to start this all over again, and the people that I've begged for help, doctors, just think I'm just a hysterical woman being over the top trying to demand "attention".....

Sometimes I feel like I'm "losing it"....... And to be honest I'm actually so desperate I'm scared I might   

[Mandz]

I really like the gp I see - she's lovely and I always try to see her, I just think what's prescribed isn't agreeing with me xxx

[Mandz]

How do I email dr Currie? Xxx

Thank you sparkle xx