UPDATE BY ADMIN
This is a female only forum. Poster's account deleted.
--I have read this entire post, and a couple of books. I thought it might be useful to add a man's point of view.
Very happily married. Love my wife dearly. Together over 30 years. About a year ago, my wife began suffering the kinds of symptoms in this forum. Neither of us were prepared. The expectation had perhaps been for a few hot flushes, something we could have easily coped with.
Without us realising what was happening, day to day love and affection began to decline. I have always been more overtly loving and tactile. My wife stopped wanting to kiss, to hug, to hold hands.
Her body changed in ways that I now realise are normal - sensitive breasts, atrophic vaginitis etc. Sex was no longer enjoyable for her (foreplay, touching, stroking, cunnilingus, penetration etc). Over time sex got more and more rare. Then she said she really did not enjoy it at all and was quite happy to just focus on me. Happy days I (selfishly) thought, but after a while this made me feel our relationship was unbalanced - I felt guilty only taking not giving. It also became mechanical and always against the clock. Not very romantic for either of us.
Not knowing any better, I foolishly (I hope) began to suspect she might have a lover. I did not really believe this, but it seemed to provide an explanation. Once the seed of doubt is sown, it is easy to see further 'evidence'. This never really developed into anything - and I only mention it because the thought was there. It may seem daft but I like most men I was clueless about potential affects of the menopause.
She did not explain how she felt or describe what was happening to her, I did not explain how I was feeling. We were at the lowest point in our relationship, but I am not even sure we realised it. Having been together 30 years you kind of take it for granted that things will work out given a little time.
Finally we began to communicate. But having put thing off for so long it was very traumatic. She revealed a loss of self esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, a loss of happiness, feeling empty, having no feelings what-so-ever for me, not much better for the children. Feeling 'so confused' and speculating that we needed a trial separation. Wow. I felt self pity, and sorrow that I had not looked after her better.
We are only just beginning to try to manage our way through this.
She may be depressed, we are not sure. Maybe needs HRT. We already eat well, take exercise etc. It sounds like we will be on a roller coaster for a while.
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No sure if it is what she wants, but have tried to boost her feelings with romantic gestures.
I have also read books on saving marriages and the menopause. She is reading the same books. I no longer take her for granted and am working hard to make her feel loved, and hope that her love will be re-kindled at some point in the future (
).
In some ways there is a silver lining. I am almost sure that we will emerge stronger from this awful (hopefully short) period, but I am also terrified that we might lose the battle.
I am feeling very sad. I cannot function effectively. I am in shock. I am scared, I think about this all the time. This has nothing to do with sex or moods or anything like that - it is because my wife no longer feels love for me and I might never win it back. Fortunately the book on marriage provided some exercises that we went through, and this provided reassurance and evidence to suggest otherwise.
Best of luck to you all. Give your husbands a hug whenever you can. Love conquers all x.
