Menopause Matters Forum
Menopause Discussion => All things menopause => Topic started by: rik on April 24, 2008, 08:47:33 AM
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Thanks to Poppyrose for posting this.
Click here for a printable PDF version (PDF 82Kb) (https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/pdf/AdviceForHusbands.pdf)
So Your Wife/Partner is Menopausal?!
So you think shaving daily is a problem? Your car is playing up and that idiot at work is driving you around the bend and so is the boss. And the wife? Well what is that all about? You are feeling worried, frightened, bewildered? You think your wife doesn't fancy you anymore, or it has vaguely occurred to you that she may even have someone else, after all she is behaving oddly, she seems cold, distant and can fly off of the handle in a split second and it is scaring you. You are not used to this, deep down you know this is not her and you know that something is wrong, but you just do not know what to say, how to ask, or even how to talk to her anymore. Familiar? Read on....
MENOPAUSE....Defined. Menopause means the last menstrual period. Periods stop because the low levels of oestrogen and progesterone do not stimulate the lining of the womb (called the endometrium) in the normal cycle. Hormone levels can fluctuate for several years before eventually becoming so low that the endometrium stays thin and does not bleed.
Perimenopause is the stage from the beginning of menopausal symptoms to the postmenopause.
Some women get really scared when their periods start to become erratic, irregular, light, heavy. Some women get scared and confused because they have been told they are menopausal and they certainly feel menopausal yet their periods have *not* changed and they are still regular, they become agitated or scared witless because they feel so wretched and ill, that they managed to convince themselves they are dying from an undiagnosed incurable disease.
Remember here 'Climacteric' The term climacteric refers to the time in which the hormone levels are changing, up to the periods stopping; reducing and fluctuating hormone levels can cause early menopausal symptoms while still stimulating the endometrium (lining of the womb) to produce cyclical bleeding (menstruation).
Postmenopause is the time following the last period, and is usually defined as more than 12 months with no periods in someone with intact ovaries, or immediately following surgery if the ovaries have been removed.
You may see or hear the term 'Surgical Menopause' or 'Chemical Menopause' used. This simply means that menopause is occurring because of a specific intervention like the ovaries are failing due to specific treatment such as chemotherapy or radiotherapy, or when the ovaries are removed, often at the time of a hysterectomy. Sometimes the removal of just the uterus (womb) can spark off peri or pre menopausal symptoms, although this is not he case in every instance, but be aware that it can happen. (Knowledge is power and this has never been so true as when this age old saying is applied to the menopause)
I am going to start by explaining a little about Perimenopause as although it is not a term doctors use that often, it is a term that you will find used by a lot of women.
Perimenopause. The term peri is simply a prefix and simply means around, so perimenopause means 'Around the Time of Menopause'.
Perimenopause is the phase before menopause actually takes place, when ovarian hormone production is declining and fluctuating and this can cause many different symptoms. If you can keep in mind that hormones affect nearly every single cell in a woman's body, then this will go some distance in explaining why some women find this time in their lives confusing, distressing, scary and isolating.
Your wife partner has reached that certain time in her life, actually let's say *both* of your lives, since we females despite what it looks or feels like *do not* want to shut you out, or hurt or upset you in any way, in fact usually this is the very last thing we want to do.
Remember that Perimenopause or PREmenopause, is not an exact science, there are many variations.
Some doctors maintain that perimenopause can last for as long as 5 to 15 years, while others think that perimenopause is that period which is a 3 to 4 year time span just before menopause occurs. Either way, many women experience more symptoms during perimenopause than after menopause. Because this often happens at an age between 35 and 45, many women's symptoms are overlooked or ignored by their doctors and may incorrectly be put down to pre menstrual tension (PMT).
Oh yeah, we know all your male jokes about PMT and Menopause, so have a good laugh, but remember we invented them! Please do not feel that we have had a sense of humour by-pass, because we haven't, in fact us ladies spend a great deal of our time laughing at ourselves during this stage. If you could remember to laugh with us and not at us, chances are you will both end up laughing at something, instead of witnessing the parring knife come whistling past your left ear and impaling in the door frame!
Hormone Fluctuation: Remember you can have the hottest cam, perfect ignition timing, clean carburetor, and fresh fuel, but without good compression... that engine is not going to run and the mixture of fuel is either too much or too little and immediately this happens the engine misfires and cannot run correctly. This is more or less how a woman's body runs, only her fuel is hormones. Too many, will produce symptoms, too little will produce symptoms. These symptoms can range from being vague little niggles, to quite severe symptoms which can affect your partners quality of life dramatically. (And yours)
Now reverse up a little here.....This *does not* mean that the pair of you cannot get through this stage, it *does not* mean that life as you both knew it is over for good either.
What it does mean, is that you will just have to try and understand what is happening and learn to go with it, this is why it is a great idea to try and understand a little about what is actually happening inside her body and why it makes her behave the way she does.
One tip here and this is a HUGE *NEVER*. Please *NEVER* tell your wife/partner to pull herself together. Look at it like this, your best mate has had one too many and fallen over and broken his leg in three places, would you expect him to get up and walk? Don't think so. Then please do not think that a woman affected by all these symptoms can just pull herself together and carry on with life, because she cannot. Why? I hear you asking. Here I am going to drop in some symptoms of menopause, there is said to be around 35 of them, but talk to any woman and she may tell you it can often feel more like 535!
If I had a penny for every woman that has thought she was dying from an incurable disease at the start of perimenopause, I would be rich. Remember these feelings are very real, they are physical, they are *not* imagined.
(1) Anxiety, feeling ill at ease
(2) Hot flashes/flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling
(3) Irregular heart beat
(4) Irritability
(5) Mood swings, sudden tears
(6) Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats)
(7) Irregular periods; shorter, lighter periods; heavier periods, flooding; phantom periods, shorter
cycles, longer cycles
(8 ) Loss of libido
(9) Dry vagina
(10) Crashing fatigue
(11) Feelings of dread, apprehension, doom
(12) Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, mental confusion
(13) Disturbing memory lapses
(14) Incontinence, especially upon sneezing, laughing; urge incontinence
(15) Itchy, crawly skin
(16) Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons
(17) Increased tension in muscles
(18) Breast tenderness
(19) Headache change: increase or decrease
(20) Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea
(21) Sudden bouts of bloat
(22) Depression
(23) Exacerbation of existing conditions
(24) Increase in allergies
(25) Weight gain
(26) Hair loss or thinning, head, pubic, or whole body; increase in facial hair
(27) Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance
(28) Changes in body odour
(29) Electric shock sensation under the skin and in the head
(30) Tingling in the extremities
(31) Gum problems, increased bleeding
(32) Burning tongue, burning roof of mouth, bad taste in mouth, change in breath odor
(33) Osteoporosis (after several years)
(34) Changes in fingernails: softer, crack or break easier
(35) Tinnitus: ringing in ears, bells, 'whooshing,' buzzing etc
Right let me point out that not all women will experiencing all of these symptoms. Some women will experience some of them and some will experience some intermittently, while some may not experience any at all. But some unfortunate women may experience all of them and many of them at the same time. If this is happening to your wife/partner, try and think how experiencing some of these symptoms *yourself* would make you feel. How frightened *you* would be, and how wretched it would make *you* feel. Now, is it any wonder why that knife came whizzing past your left ear when you told her to pull herself together? When she was in the kitchen struggling to carry out what was once a simple procedure, like peeling a flaming potato, she dropped the knife and burst into floods of tears and your input was, "don't be a drama queen, pull yourself together" (or words to that effect) Instead of you, going to her and giving her a cuddle and saying, look don't worry, it is this bloody menopause, we will get through this together. I love you and I will always love you no matter what. Now do you fancy a sit down and I'll bring you a drink and I will finish the potatoes. Or something along those lines depending what she was doing at the time. Or maybe you could just prepare the meal together, or do something that shows you have taken her feelings on board and you are trying to understand and that you love her and want to help her through, that you want to help *both* of you through. Just use your initiative.
Sex can become a major issue at this time, but it really need not be. It will take time and patience and understanding from both of you, but there is no reason why you should both not have a fulfilling relationship, long into much later life. Women can go off sex, remember they have gone off the act, *NOT YOU*. This is a real physical response to fluctuation of hormones, there are many ways and remedies available that can help ease this situation, it is a matter of looking up what is available and what may be suitable. Remember this is her body winding down from her productive years, it is *not* because she suddenly doesn't fancy you anymore. It is *not* because she has someone else either. There are many pills, potions, creams etc that can help with dryness etc. I will not go into them, but a chat with the doctor and looking up what is available is easy and can really help both of you. *Understanding* each other here is *key*. Do not reproach each other, neither of you is at fault here and it is something with patience and understanding that can be worked out.
You will note that I have placed Anxiety, feeling ill at ease right at the top of this list! This is because I as a menopausal woman, think that this one symptom alone, is the root cause of many of the myth and frightening times, that can cause so many misunderstandings in relationships and to the woman herself, who may even think she is dying.
This is *NO* joke, it is a terrifying and extremely real and distressing situation to be in. Understand this and you are way down the line to understanding how your wife/partner is thinking and feeling. Understand this and you will be able to ask her what is wrong, ask her outright what it is she is so scared of and then when she tells you, *both* act on it. Either read up on what is bothering her or you *both* go to the doctor, either way, getting reassurance for you *both* is crucial to your wife/partner's mental and physical well being and to *yours too!* Don't fob her off and *don't* tell her to pull herself together. This is *not* an imagined condition, it is a very real and very frightening condition and it is brought about by real physical changes in the body, caused by fluctuating hormones.
Feelings of anxiety and feelings ill at ease within her own body, coupled with feelings of impending doom, can bring about a general feeling of anxiety and this could if ignored develop into depression and or panic attacks. This can be avoided, with understanding from you. Try to get her to talk about this, try to get as much information as you can about what is bothering her, knowledge that she is not the only woman to suffer like this during menopause can go a long way to reassuring her and to allaying her fears. If she does suddenly think she is dying and starts to complain of dizziness, pins and needles, tingling, cold clammy etc, this is very, very scary. You must *never* assume this is just menopause, you must always err on the side of caution and seek urgent medical advice and treatment. Having said this, these symptoms are symptoms of a general anxiety disorder (GAD), once you *know* what it is you are both dealing with you can take steps to control these situations. Breathing is free and it is and remains the best way to control and restore the body to normal. Get your wife/partner to sit down and take slow deep breaths, inhale for 3 seconds, hold for 3 seconds and exhale for 4 secs. This quickly restores the body's blood gases to normal, where they had suddenly become out of sync giving rise to this panic attack. Remember this is *real* it is not imagined and you can help her through this if she is affected by them. In fact remember that these breathing exercises can help her through other symptoms like flushes and night sweats, especially where she experiences a sudden change in her heartbeat, which is a physiological response to a sudden fluctuation of hormones. Do something practical for her like rigging up a fan near her side of the bed, or go into Marks and buy her a few hand held portable battery operated fans (these are particularly good). One for the kitchen, one for the bed, one for the lounge and a couple for her handbags. If she is troubled by flushes/flashes and sweats, this is a brilliant way to cool down quickly and to regain control quickly.
Sudden changes in body temperature, coupled with an increased or irregular heartbeat, or palpitations etc are collectively called *vasomotor* symptoms. These flushes/flashes/sweats are *NOT* simply your wife/partner becoming hot, it is as though the body thermostat has been blasted up to full pelt and the heart beat has increased and the heat is coming from inside to out, yet there may be hardly any change to your wife/partners appearance to indicate such a sudden change in her equilibrium. Don't be fooled by this, understand what she says she is going through, it is really very unpleasant and she may suddenly become very agitated and want to flee from where she is, she just wants to get out, get away. The supermarket may suddenly seem menacing and the people around, will suddenly take on this booming, buzzing confusion and a small request like someone saying excuse me, or worse still someone just treating her as if she has suddenly become invisible and rudely standing in front of her, or pushing past her, is likely to bring on floods of tears and panic, right there in the middle of where ever you may be. Try and get her to a calm, cool place and get her to *deep breathe* her way through this, a small sip of water from her bottle carried in her bag will help, and so will the fan you bought her. Do this, stay with her and reassure her and this will pass in minutes and while you may feel like having a go at the person that was rude to her, please *don't* it will only make things worse. By the way this situation is vasomotor yes, but it can also be termed as "Fight or Flight" and it is our body's mechanism and way of coping with a sudden change in situation, this again can occur suddenly and again is a direct response to a sudden change in her hormone production, taking place right there and then and totally *unseen* inside her body, in the middle of supermarket, or where ever she may be at the time it occurs. It has happened to me when we have been making love and it is horrible and I hate it, yet I can't stop it, but i *can* control it and by doing the things described above I can quickly bring it under control and my partner is very understanding and then normal operations can quickly be resumed.
Remember if your wife/partner hasn't yet been to see her doctor, try and encourage her to do so, offer to go with her, but if she really doesn't want you to go, then do not push her, let her go alone, or offer to go to the surgery with her, but remain in the waiting room. Your wife partner may be beginning the menopause transition, but she is not silly, she will appreciate your love and support, she will also appreciate you knowing when to back off. I know this is a hard ask, but with practice, you will learn to read the signs.
Because our brains can sometimes become *fogged* during the start of menopause, we are apt to forget things, or become weepy, so it is a very good idea that when making that appointment at the doctors to (1) request a longer appointment so she doesn't feel rushed and intimidated (2) *BEFORE* going to the doctor, write down all her worries, symptoms and concerns. then she can either read from this or if she becomes weepy just hand it to the doctor and let him/her read it while she gets on with having a cry. Her doctor will be well used to this and just hand her a box of tissues. Doing this will let her doctor know just what is going on, will reassure your wife that everything that is worrying her is now out and is now being dealt with. She will be able to talk about HRT with her doctor at some point.
It will also be a good idea if you and your wife/partner can talk about what her options are. If HRT is for her or not, discuss both of your fears about HRT. (Unless you have been on another planet you will have heard bits and pieces about it) There are pros and cons with HRT, but remember there are pros and cons with natural remedies too. Both with HRT and natural remedies you may hit on one immediately that does the trick, but usually it is a matter of trial and error, with type and dosage. It may need changing or the dosage may need adjusting, it is really important to remember all of this as it knowledge is power and remembering this can stop a lot of unnecessary worrying if something does not work, or only works for a short while, or works but only a little bit. If this does happen, *don't worry* it can be sorted out.
Hope this helps you to understand this time and remember *understanding is key*.
Your lives may change here, but it does not mean that you will enjoy them any the less. You *will* get through this and with a little understanding you will both probably be all the stronger for it. All women go through this at some time in their lives, you can't ignore it, so better just trying to understand it.
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My advise to husbands (1) Beware of low flying saucepans (2) know when to keep it :-X (3) don't ask for sex as a refusal may cause offence or in extreme cases the likelyhood of a black eye :beat:(4)please make a fuss even when we say "don't make a fuss" (5) Don't ask "would you like a drink" of course I b****y do and a king size bar of chocolate and 3 Magnums :drunk: (6) Dont say " can I get you anything" yeh like what! a new body >:( (7) Mostly don't try and understand me just love me :wub:
Come on girls I'm sure there are hundreds more you can come up with.Love Dipsy :gym:
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Just put me in a cuboard throw food and water
in, till its over ;D
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I learned a lot from reading this advice - and laughed out loud at parts! Just one nagging worry - IF, as I understand it, this forum is for WOMEN ONLY - how can our poor husbands/partners read this really useful post???? :o :o
PS - love the assorted smilies!
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Print it off for them?
B
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Bramble is right Angie - this was posted so that we can print it off and give it to our partners to read. Someone I know has put it up on the fridge in the kitchen - just as a reminder for her husband. Every now and again she will say "fridge" when he is being particularly non-understanding!
Taz ;D
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Brilliant have printed off for when hubby say's " whats up with you now" :beat: Dipsy
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Excellent news - sorry didn't realise that was an option. I have now noticed the print tag! duh.
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I;d print it off if I thought he would read it. I asked him to read some articles from the magazine but two months later he still hasn't touched it. He'd rather read the newspaper and tell me my life is great because he looks out for his mother one day a week so I can take my own parents out and see to their little problems, and have a couple of hours two days a week so I can go to the gym. He looked astounded at me this morning when I told I don't have a life...
Yes, amazingly he is still alive. I want him to live so I can torture him - slowly ;)
mad gammy xx
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I have copied this and emailed it to my husband but I would like to take a bet that he won't read it!!!
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;D lols never mind the hubby this was a very interesting read for me and yes will be printed off and handed to all and sundary to try to explain why I am the bitch from hell all of a sudden.
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I did print it out and gave it to my OH. He has surprised me by telling me that farting is a possible meno symptom! (Well yes, I know it's on the list) - but, and this is a bit indelicate, I have to say that in this house farting is a symptom of life!!!
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Copied and sent it to my hubby via email. Although he says he daren't express an opinion these days, he said, ' if men wrote about their symptoms, would it have been so well published and received; women seem to have the monopoly on 'issues'!' We would, of course, say 'yes, we'd listen, but men don't seem to discuss certain issues and the menopause seems to be the beast in the wardrobe for everyone'
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Move out-take a lover- buy earplugs-buy lubricant-go dumb-don't ask stupid questions-and don't ask me how I'm FEELING >:(
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;D :D ;D :D ;D :D ;D :D
this made me feel so much better reading this and i am going to print it off and hopefully my husband will read this too and realize that I am not turning into a complete loon ! my poor daughters best read it too !!
thanks for the giggles x
lizzie xx
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Ctrl...Alt...Delete... :yes:
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loved this article, its put my mind at rest on loads of stuff i am feeling right now. thanks for posting it. :thankyou:
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Excellent advice for husbands. Should be sent out by the government as standard ! ;)
Made me feel less that I was being 'a whingeing baby' and more that it is a big deal, though not insurmountable. Will ensure my OH sees it !
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Ask me how I'm feeling, but don't take ' fine' for an answer !
And def do not ask in a stroppy voice ' whats the matter with you!'
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More sex please, I'm sure it would help. (Well its worth a try!) ;)
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Do you mean that's what the husband says or that's what you would like HotVonny? ;D
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WOW thank you so much for posting that!!! It has really helped ease some of my fears that l was going bonkers! ::)
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Becarefu be very careful thats my advice to husbands just ask my bobbles
No probably best not hes still not got over it yet
Suzi Q :)
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advice to my husband would be ..if you cant say something positive or supportive keep quiet!
My husband informed me at the weekend that the reason for my ups and downs, which he says he cant cope with, are due to "my age and emotions" (no kidding!)...and i quote "im not interested"!!!!!
I wont repeat what my answer was.....its hard when there is no understanding from your nearest and dearest...how do others cope with unsupportive spouses? >:(
ria
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Same here Ria,
keeps tellin me it's all in my head.yesterday was a good day for me but yesterday afternoon i was cold and put the fire on. OH said think of the bills i told him i was going to my moms shortly so ot wouldn't be on for long. he told me to stay at my moms. He sould be careful what he wishescause one day i might just bloody up and go. Then lets see how he gets on then. Think most of them are the same, but when they are unwell they are dying.
Sandie :foryou:
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Hi Ria,
:welcomemm:
i think they all have their moments, but my husband is fairly reasonable about my meno -don't think he would dare not be ;D ;D
He can't understand the loss of memory part though, just doesn't see that i can be told something & 20 seconds later I have completely forgotten what was said ;D
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hnb
i know what you mean about not remembering that have been said 20 seconds earlier. i find myself asking.a question and hubbie/sons have answered and then i find myself asking the same question again about 20 seconds later.
it's running joke in our house that things keep going missing. if i tidy up, we cant find things. it's amazing what ends up in the fridge and shouldnt be there ;D.
karen
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Its not just husbands tho is it ?
When I hear the words 'whats wrong with you?' from husband,
daughter and son then I know I'm having a bad day !!
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My husband once slapped me on my bum saying "there, there, it's just all those nasty hormones" . I nearly killed him!
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BObbles runsssssssssssssss
He says he just takes one look at my eyes and knows
The Bitch Troll from hells here today
Suzi Q
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I had to leave work for medical reasons, (not related to menopause of course). My husband took over the bill payments, and money managing. A big relief!!! The problem now though is, he says I shouldn't have any stress in my life now, and should feel happy all the time. Yeah, in his dreams. I really feel like smiling when my face is bright red, and sweat is dripping down the back of my neck. That is especially fun when we out somewhere special, and by the time I get there, my beautiful new hairdo is now dripping with sweat, and plastered and stuck to my face. Or when I am dealing with yet another period from hell that I just finished having a few weeks ago. Or, well...... you know ladies, I could go on and on.
Have a good one ladies.
Platte
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Thanks for all the good advice and the fantastic humour. Am sitting here at 5.25am because I could not sleep and cannot belive I have been LOL! One really amazing thing I have learned from the list of symptoms was about the 'electric shocks' going off in your head. I was having those quite regularly up until about a year ago and thought I was going mad and could not tell anyone ( as did not know what was happening myself) and know here it is in black and white! It was real, it was happening!
Think I will print off the article and show it to my partner and daughters so they can maybe begin to understand why their partner/mother is behaving so loopy!
Thanks, thanks, thanks :)
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Thanks for this, I saved a copy for my partner yesterday. When I mentioned it to him, he asked what was in it and I told him it would be better for him to read it, to properly understand. I was so pleased (and amazed) that he read it as soon as we got in from walking the dog last night (thought it would involve a few weeks of gentle reminders lol). He was very quite and hasn't said a lot about it, but I think some lights have gone on and I think he's taken aback by just how many symptoms are linked to the menopause. It really helped me too, there were some things in it I hadn't considered as being part of it.
:thankyou:
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last week i handed the print out to my partner who still has not read it as he hasnt had time- think hes got halfway thorugh- how long does take to read- took me 5 minutes.funny that theres time to watch football on tv this afternoon . i felt so comforted when I read it that my symptoms were all there in the list so I thought he woudl be too and sympathetic.and also give him an understnading of somehtign that he had no knowledge or experience of at all.so every time I grump or cry or get hot or whatever else, I say to him page 3 or page 2 - read it and you would identify my symptomatic behaviour on the list! .he is a modern man still living in victorian times- and i am very hurt that he hasnt even attempted to understand.
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Dont be offended Katrin. He is a man and if he is like most of the others his empathy bone has been removed. Its not that they don't care, they do. They just don't want any details. My dear hubby makes sympathetic noises, and then moves on. He is yet to ask me how I am feeling today. Not even when I am sitting next to him holding a battery fan and dripping all over the floor. :( ( Now on HRT)
I know he loves me, its just they are wired differently to us and they dont know how to cope. If I cry he hugs me but dont ask him to understand because he cant, not wont, just cant.
I think that this is why a forum like this is invaluable to us because we all understand and even if we dont have all the symptoms that others have we can empathise.
I think its a case of accepting what our men are like. There will be a few out there that get it, but just a few.
Viv
x
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Have to agree with you here VIV.
Hubby knows that Iam going through the menopause but does not want any info or discussion.
When I get emotional (and have alot recently) for instance: I was telling him about my brothers marital breakdown and got quite weepy - he just rolled his eyes and walked off ::) ::) No consoling me at all !!
I guess he's one of those men who doesn't do emotions very well.
Rebecca :)
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Have to say I must be one of the lucky ones, my partner read it straight away and when I asked him if I was showing any of the symptoms, he was like 'erm, yeh, just about all of them, lol'. I have to say, he is being very good and patient thank goodness, not sure if I would be the same if the tables were turned ;)!
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thanks ladies-the old cliche men are from mars and women from venus ! i have had alot of emotional issues today with my daughter and men just seem to see everything in black and white and not comprehend our emotions at all-they just dont get us sometimes because they are so very different-I think he thinks I am from another planet sometimes.their brains dont function the same as us - we are multi layered and multi faceted -and that is our strength.So even with all this menopausal milarkey I am glad I am of the female species!
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Hi all,
im am not a husband, but a daughter. my mum is clearly menopausa;.... and she is changing. my mum was loving,caring strong minded and an amazing mum.
she has recently retiered at the age of 48 and has alot of money to enjoy her self. she joned a gym as she was unhappy with her size 14 body.... 12 months on and she is size 0 she goes to the gym for 6 hours every day...mainly to socialise. she no longer wants to spend time with myself or my brother or my fater
and has decided she no longer loves my father... i suggested this was due to a stressfull business life, a number of deaths and finaly menopause. i think
my mum is trying to escape. she says she has found someone else but the way she describes him he sounds exacly like my dad and my dad is the best dad a daughter, son and wife could ever dream of. i feel hurt and angry and confus. i want to cause so much harm to this other man and i keep shouting at my mum. i love her so much but im so hurt for my dad. my mum wants my advice but obviously im biast.
will hormonal drugs work?
should i leave her to be with this other man?
or is it escapsm ??
please help a loving daughter if u can
Thank You
HR
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Dear HR - it is obviously a really tough time for you but your mum has given lots of herself over the years and, at this moment in time, she needs to find out who she really is. This doesn't mean that she has stopped loving you but, unfortunately, people do fall out of love with their partners sometimes. She will be feeling as confused as you are but you need to give her space and time to discover what she wants to do.
I have been in your mum's position and for many years I pushed my own thoughts and needs away. Finally, everything is now out in the open and my sons know what I have been going through and are really pleased for me but sad that for years I just did what was expected of me. They are grateful that I stayed within my marriage so that they had a really good upbringing and didn't have to choose between me and their dad but realise that it is now time for me to "fledge". I will always be there for them and there dad is a good dad and husband but, sadly, it is not what I now need from life. Even now it is very difficult for me to leave the family home to be with the person I love. You can't force your mum to love your dad again no matter what you do or say.
How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Sadly, unless your mum is depressed, I don't think that hormonal pills are the answer. Women often take HRT to make themselves feel better but it is obvious from your post that your mum has discovered a different side to herself. If you can, please give her your love and support. She will be in turmoil and split between following her heart and wanting to still be the mum you have always known.
If you want to post again you might like to start a topic under Private Lives as this is only accessible to members whereas this thread is able to be read by anyone on the internet.
Taz x
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HR- -I agree with everythign Taz says. your mum probably feels last chance to reinvent herself and find some new experiences because menopause confronts you with the feeling of a loss of femininity with the aging proccess and loss of fertility- its very hard to bear and it has galvanised her into action! . so she may be going off on an emotional hormonal roller coaster or she may genuinely have fallen out of love with your dad. I ended my marriage when I was only late 30,s (so not menopausal) because I knew it was the wrong marriage for me.So maybe she now feels this is the time to move on.but she doesnt want to lose your love and is seeking your approval which i believe is wrong as your emotions are naturally torn- this is not how mothers who have nurtured us are supposed to behave! ..i imagine oyu are angry as well as upset. I dont know your age but if you are teenage then you are very vulnerable and I am sorry you are caught up in the mess- it s not your role as daughter to give advice as to how she proceeds - thats not fair. and you must try and encourage them to sort this themselves without involving you too much and keep your loyalties to your parents equal .I hope you have friends/relatives that can help you and support you through this- we are all here as wise women to offer our advice and support.
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thank you Katrin,
i am 21 and belive my mum only feels this emotion due to hormones or lac of the love feeling from my dad. i now feel like the woman of the house... my mum plays out like a teenager and i am left to cook and clean
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well could your dad do a bit more on the "love feeling front"?--or is it to late- however its not your role to tell him..it s not hormones that make you leave a marriage-its becasue you dont want to be there.
its saturday night and you are 21 - I hope you are going out to have some fun tonight not cooking and cleaning. . perhaps you should concentrate on your self as much aspossible and try and not take this on your shoulders too much.easier said than done I know.
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After Taz2 replied to my 'newbie' posting and pointing me towards this post, I copied and pasted this into an email and sent it to hubby at work. Apparently he`d already found this on the Saturday morning whilst browsing for some info relating to 'my problem' i.e lack of interest in sex. I have to say that if it`s this that made him stop and think for a change instead of being grumpy, stroppy and giving me a hard time on Sunday morning because he didn`t what he thought he might, then I`m soooo grateful and I really, really hope that it`s all sunk in and he`ll really begin to realise that it`s not something I can control, nor am I happy and content to be in the horrible state I`m in while experiencing the peri-menopausal stage of life.
I just wish there were more avenues available to gain advice and info on the issues that menopause can bring, not just for those of us who actually deal with the physical aspects but for those who have to deal with all of the emotional issues too.
Thanks for such a great site!!
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Thank you very much for posting this! :D However, it isn't easy going through menopause... and it is even more difficult if your husband is going through andropause (male menopause) at the same time you are menopausal.. :( But he has finally admit that there is something wrong, it took him forever to do that. He's on his first week of bioidentical hormone therapy: if you dunno what that is, read this http://testosterone-for-men.com/Hormone-Replacement-Therapy.php So far, nothing has changed but I'm waiting for developments soon..
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I read this post and I can't tell you how much better it made me feel. When you have nobody to talk to about these things you think that it is just you, but now I have found this site I am glad to know that I am not the only one that feels like this. :) :) :)
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>:(My husband says he doesn't need to know any of this- he already knows- great .
Wish he did I feel like were drifting apart- cant talk to him and I have no family now ( except for my boys- no female family though)
Never have sex, he's stopped trrying and I don't know how to break down this barrier between us. God I'm fed up now. Val :-X
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THANK YOU! I have laughed and cried reading this......laughed because you have to see the funny side of it all but cried because I am so grateful I realise I am not going mad!
I will be printing it off for my Husband too.
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Dear Valiantkate........................ I feel for you as I'm in the same boat. I printed off the 'advice to husbands' yesterday and gave it to him along with yet another long long note of why things are sooooooooooo wrong between us. I know now that a lot of the problems have been hormonal. I have finally stopped my periods this January and counting but the menopause has kicked in big time. I'm a wreck. I realise now that I haven't liked my husband for a long time but especially around period time. I go through this complete hatred of him and see all his faults and more!!! Poor bloke, but no not poor bloke because he should realise what a shit time I am having and there isn't a lot I can do about it!!! I'm the one not interested in sex. We used to have a good sex life but when I say there is a problem you would think I was going on about him and how he can't get it up!!! Men and their manhood huh?! Things have slowed down for him but come to a standstill for me. I'm just not interested which doesn't help with us growing apart. I'm so mad I could spit nails. I was so thrilled when my periods stopped because I've had migraines all my life and since I was 44 they came back with a vengeance suffice to say I haven't had much of a life with up to 5 migraines a week. Finally I haven't had a migraine every day for 2 weeks now but now the menopause. Will I ever get a break? I even burst into tears when the builder came the other day for payment. It was so embarrassing. He just gave me a cuddle and said there are worse people around, like him he said!!!! Blimey!! I have 2 girls 2 boys. I feel very old and redundant and I feel they patronise me like I'm a very old woman. But that could be just me. Anytime you want a chat I'm up for it. The trouble is with this memory lapse I think, oh yeh let's get on the menopause matters site and then I can't remember my password etc. I mean well though. It doesn't sound like your bloke would care if you did a copy of the advice for husbands but give it a try, leave it with his paperwork, you never know. It makes me laugh that some blokes think you're having an affair if you're not interested in them. Oh yeh right, I'll just change my clothes for the fourth time before our date as I've soaked them all and I'm worrying about b o!! and I'll change my knicker pad cos he'll realise I wet myself now on a daily basis.....please get real why would we want to take on another man. I have my sense of humour today but it has been dragged out from the depths. I'm thinking of you and hope that things improve x
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Poppyrose you are wonderful!!! I've printed off advice for husbands and left it with him with a long note of how I'm feeling and that he doesn't understand and highlighted all the symptoms I'm getting - quite a few since my periods stopped January. HE LISTENED!!! He said why don't all couples get this copy I'm sure it would save lots of marriages - for the simple reason that it costs money and if any woman has a problem she has to do the research herself, present it to the doctor and go from there. Even reading the advice for husbands I had a good cry and realised how many symptoms I'm getting. I even feel sorry for myself!!! Thank you Poppyrose, you've saved a marriage on the brink!!! x :)
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hi jumpingju-nice to know I'm not alone out there- things are still tense between OH and me- again, he thinks I may go off with someone elses- as if, God, sex is so painful that the thought of it is dreadful. Anyway, OH has just come in from work- must go before he reads this!!!! VK x
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I copied and pasted the advice for husbands. I sent it on an email to my other half. We have talked a lot about how I'm feeling and all the stuff that is going on in my 'meno world'! He's pretty clued up and has a lot of empathy for me/girls/ladies (he has five sisters) but I know he has read it and taken everything in. I added a little note to say that I understand he knows a lot about the symptoms, but there maybe something he isn't aware of and the article covered pretty much everything.
I've been pretty unwell for about 4 weeks with a bad back and some strange viral symtoms and he's taken off this week to look after me and my son. How sweet is that? A truly top bloke. :)
So....thanks so much for sharing this valuable information.
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Hubby's gone away for a few days to give me a break and try to sort things out in our home!!!!! Things have got into such a state at home. I have no interest in anything and certainly don't want to clear up. My house looks like an oxfam shop! If only I could get my head together and give oxfam all this stuff! Had a rotten migraine the other day and thought 'oh no I must be about to have a period' and yes I am having a period after 5 months without. I could cry. I feel so awful. It's such a disappointment when I was thinking 'half way there and I'll be free of periods and therefore migraines'! I'm 54 soon and I'm fedup with being a woman!!!! I've seen my doc and can't go on HRT mainly because it would start the migraines up again but also my sister has had breast cancer. Any suggestions on what I could try as an alternative? The doc has told me what she thinks I should go on but for the life of me I can't remember what she said?????? She has given me lots of info to look at but I find it hard to concentrate with no memory at all at the moment. Help me ladies. x
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I have just handed the lap top to my hubby to read advice for husbands tho I have to say the meno has brought out the best in him. He tells our friends "we" are having a menopause. He is patient understanding and so tolerent of which ever wife he comes home to of an evening, lets face it we never know !!! will the real Neeta please stand up :sunny
even tho he seems to be the husband of the year, I have to take some credit cos I tell him whats going on.... years of therapy have helped me to realise that he is not a mind reader and its ok to say " i cant copeand everything is crap"
He may have it all under wraps but he found the post really helpful, after he finished laughing at the long list of symptoms and said is there anything left, beep beep you have it all !!
Seriously, talk to your hubby tell them what it feel like, give them a chance to understand before you throw the saucepan ;D
oh god i sound bossy, sorry girls> Its the menopause!!! gets me out of everything these days :lol:
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I have just read advise for husbands from poppy rose.The way I'm feeling at the moment this gave me a sense of relief. I think my husband is fed up with me talking about myself and how I'm feeling,although he says he's not. I have stopped talking about it to him.When he asked if I'm alright I just say yes.I am so confused about things and feel this is the end of the road.I'll print this info but I don't know if my husband would read it.I'll read it myself when I feel I need to feel good.
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I;d print it off if I thought he would read it.
Same here. I'll have to wait until a MAN explains to him about the menopause, then he'll believe it.
If I have a headache, he has a migraine. When he has a cold, he takes to his bed for a day or two (yet can miraculously recover if a night at the pub is on offer).
Sadly, although he's a good provider and generous with money and we have a nice home, mine has no empathy and no sympathy. When I'm genuinely too ill to move, he gets extremely angry with me and shouts at me. "We've" now worked out that he takes all his stress out on me but he is still unable to control his rages.
There's no way he will react positively if I tell him I'm ageing, so I'm not going to. Sex is the main problem as far as he's concerned: I feel under constant pressure to be like the women in his "movies". He's never been into foreplay anyway, and now just says "well can I have some?" (seriously) even if I'm clearly unwell.
I'm so glad of this forum, being relatively young my friends think I'm faking it (I'm a youthful looking 41 - I got age-checked in Asda last year :p) but I feel like 81 inside
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Bloody Hell Two sore feet
Id be telling him to F off if Bobbles said to me can we have some
Im sorry your in such a state and have to hide things pretend everythings OK
As for him taking his stress out on you tell him to stop say Im not your verbal punchbag
Go yell at the people in work OR maybe he feels inad at work so he takes his anger and frustrations out on you?
Chin up love wish I could say it will go soon but it wont it does take a while
If sex hurts or uncomfy you CAN use Vagifem breast cancer or not taking the mini pill too will give you the extra boost :-*
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Why are you still with him? Sorry to be blunt but that is the first thought that comes into my mind! At 41 you are still young - at 57 I feel much older to think about starting again - but you are still a young woman in the scheme of things. You deserve better.
Taz x :hug: :hug: :hug:
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I think that we can comment Larky - that's what this forum is all about - but we can't give professional advice.
Taz x
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I do understand what Larky means....we do only get one side of the coin.
On a bad day I hate my OH with a passion that frightens me....but thats only on a bad day. The rest of the time we rub along well together.
If I post on a bad day you all would think I have the worse man in the world, and he is anything but.
We can sympathise and comment...but the only people who really know whats goes on in a marriage are the two people who are in it.
Honeyb
x
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Thanks girls :)
I was being factual, he actually is like that, and does say those things, lol (and worse).
I have frequently told him I'm not his punchbag, and he has managed to calm his temper A LOT over the years. Thanks to this Govt, I no longer have the option of leaving him: he is now my employer as well as my other half, because the Govt has taken away my benefits, and so I would be unable to get rehoused (I have looked into it, believe me).
He's not always so bad, if he was I would have left him before now. His dad was the same (50s mentality, Man of the House, Wife In The Kitchen and all that), and it's particular to this part of the UK too (a bit backward, a bit old fashioned, for example people with non-white skins are considered unusual. I know!).
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What part of the country are you in TSF.
Would it be Scotland????
Honeyb
x
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Believe it or not, I've been on this forum for what, two years I believe, and have only just read the "symptoms" list at the beginning of this thread. Gosh I really wasn't aware that meno could produce such a variety of ailments!
I'd like to add:
Anger at ageing and loss of youth, and at the way the years have flashed by. ( I'm sure men experience that too) and,
Increase in libido. This may not be seen as a problem but it is when your partner's is on the wane. I have a suspicion that I've never experienced a full-blown orgasm and I'd like to just once before I die please!
I don't have a printer so may have to toddle off to the library to print that list.
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A full blown orgasm doesn't need a partner Batty - you can achieve the most wonderful ones all alone....
Taz x :)
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So I believe! Haven't managed it yet. I think I'm either too inhibited, not doing it right, or lack the necessary nerves or hormones! The only time I thought I was getting there I developed a massive headache so had to stop.
Anyway, I've taken this thread off-topic, for which I apologise, but, though I know other ladies on here do feel the same as me, the consensus of opinion amongst the medical experts seems to be that most menopausal women lose their libido, and I'd like to see some acknowledgement of the opposite problem. And yes, it is a problem when it occupies your thoughts so much and you can't achieve release/satisfaction.
Still, I've been a late starter all my life... ;D
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What part of the country are you in TSF.
Would it be Scotland????
No, but you're not far off
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As a newbie. i have only just read this and found it oh so good,imformative for me too as the docs dont have the time to explain all those different symptoms that can occur and leave you feeling ever so slightly loopy. This forum is such a lifeline at a time when we are all feeling lost and alone even when we have an understanding hubby.Only the ones going through it themselves can really understand.
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what a find!..... this morning I forgot to take something with us...which sent my hubby into a fit. upon hearing the words " its like talking to a plank these days and its time you framed yourself" the tears came flooding....I tried explaining that I know I am forgetful but cant help it, I feel like my head is in a plastic bag on a shelf......
Of course, once he calmed down he was sorry but doubtful that forgetting things had anything to do with my new problem.
I remembered seeing this advice for husbands yesterday and so this evening I printed it for him.....
i think this is some of the best "help" I have seen so far..... great idea.
thanks a lot;
Jacky
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:foryou:
Bette x
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After you printed it out Jax I hope you hit him with it.
Men can be so insensitive sometimes and the ability to think that they are perfect.
Oooo that made me mad, I hope he reads the list and is more understanding in future.
:foryou:
Honeyb
x
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not gonna turn this thread into my own daily moan but you eill love this one...
He hasnt read his "notes" yet and today we were talking about things and he said he has it worked out why I am walking round in a daze.....wait for it.....
its because Iam too preoccupied with my problems and if I paid more attention to what i was doing I wouldnt forget things...... :o
befor I burst into tears again I said you are lucky i feel weepy and not angry today!.....but....maybe he has a pont eh?????
jax
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I am sorry Jax, but I don't like your husband (http://yoursmiles.org/msmile/negative/m0941.gif)
and your final point makes me sad :'(
at this moment neither do I!.......as for him having a point, yes your right, after reading this forum and knowing how i feel he doesnt have a point at all.....are we allowed to swear at husbamds on here? lol.....
This morning I was really pleased that I remembered to read my list the previous night reminding me to put washer on.....then realised today it was still in there.....lol
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Have you actually sat down and explained to him what is happening to you. Its hard enough coping with meno without someone trying to make you feel stupid and small.
My OH is not perfect but he does try. He gets it wrong and he knows he does, but he supports me when I need it. I am not very good at sharing my health woes with anyone and I hide a lot because I always think that no one wants to hear me moan all the time. I have learned however he is not a mind reader, and if I want help I am going to have to ask on occasions.
Some men need things pointed out to them in simple terms because they dont pick up on feelings.
I would sit him down and tell him....then hit him if he says anything like that again.
Honeyb
x
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Men are from Mars ...
They just don't get it because their tiny brains are preoccupied with things like football, cricket, golf ..... ::)
TBH mine is quite good and I think he's been doing a bit of on line research to see if his wife is crazy !
But then researching things on line is one of the things that occupies his brain ;)
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I'm sorry to hear that your husband is so insensitive Jax.
I'm like Honeybun in that I try my best to hide my feelings, from my husband most of all. I've had an easy ride so far, but if I'm feeling "off" my husband can tell and just tiptoes around me! I've never discussed the meno with him other than "Hooray! No more periods!" and that I have to use lubrication now.
I've been extremely tired this week as I've been working more than double my usual hours, and will do next week as well, so he is making allowances for me.
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I'm the same as HB and BoB in that I'm not very good at sharing my feelings or any health problems or worries I may have. I keep it all bottled up [which I know isn't good for us] I suppose I expect my poor OH to just *know* when something is wrong - which obviously is never going to happen - him NOT being a woman!! ::)
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Same here Mrs P. MY OH thought that my only symptom of the menopause was I'd gone off sex! ::)
So one night I took the bull by the horns and told him everything. I was surprised how understanding he was. He told me no matter what! that my "health came first above all else".
I must say since hearing those words from him, I do feel more *relaxed* about it all - you know, like I don't have to rush with getting back to normal. What ever that is.
The reason I told him rather than let him read about it, was I knew he would just rush through it without really understanding anything he had read.
This way at least if there was anything he didn't understand, he could ask me, rather than guess. Which is what he would have done had I not spoken to him about it.
cm xx
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rather than guess. Which is what he would have done had I not spoken to him about it. I think that's a really good comment. My OH was absolutely brilliant throughout my "peri meltdown" - and since - but when I had a "blip" recently, I didn't think to explain that it was either my own hormones having a hissy fit or settling into my new HRT and he got really uptight one day when I was really low. Turned out he hadn't thought of hormones (as I've been doing so well on HRT) and was really worried that there was something else wrong. He was so relieved - and understanding - when I explained, that I realised that it had been selfish of me not to tell him, when I was actually trying to "cope" without complaining yet again.
Communication, communication, communication, as they say!
Bette x
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I find it hard to talk to mine about meno or other things that bother me. I don't know why but wish I could relax a bit more. Generally when I have a problem I find it difficult to talk about it to anyone :-\
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I can totally relate to what you are saying san.
It's completely ridiculous – I know – but I would rather struggle on my own than admit to my husband that I was suffering with meno symptoms. And , likewise I've opened up more on this forum than I ever have to friends and family about other difficult issues.
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Same here Sandlsim. Some of the members here know more about my innermost thoughts and feelings than anyone else in my life does.
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I have never been a sharer when it comes to things personal or medical. I just feel as if everyone has their own problems and they do not want to hear me moaning about mine.
I dont think its a particularly good way to be. I have seen my OHs eyebrows raise when I have said anything so generally I just trudge on and try to deal with things myself. Maybe I am not giving him a chance but its not like you have this meno lark for a week and then it goes away.
It can be a lonely road to travel though.
Honeyb
x
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.... its not like you have this meno lark for a week and then it goes away.
It can be a lonely road to travel though.
Think you've hit the nail on the head there. It's why a forum like this is so important. It breaks down the isolation
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Oh how times can change, I have just found the post I wrote on the 14th July 2011, praising my wonderful husband for his understanding.
He came home from work early yesterday to tell me how angry he is about my menopause, or "illness" as he calls it....
He says he is not coping very well and is feeling angry and neglected.
Maybe he thought the menopause was a two minute thing and it would all be over quickly but months down the road the poor man is suffering................. suffering...suffering !!!!!! i have days where I think if it were not for my amazing children I would like to just drift away and not "suffer" this weird time.
I dont quite know how to approach the situation now?
When I am feeling well and having a good day I like to catch up with the kids who are 19 and 22, and meet them for coffee or suppa.... this apparently makes my husband feel neglected, if I can pay the kids attention why cant I do the same for him. He says all he wants is some attention and to go out to lunch every now and then.
I have these weird anxiety feelings so unless I am having a really good day I dont want to go very far, and I want to use those few good times to see my kids, who have both left home. I work with my husband so we are around each other every day.
I feel totally unsupported, and I feel like he is behaving like a small demanding child. I can only just manage to hold myself together at the moment let alone have to look after him too.
I feel angry but mostly disappointed. We are not speaking. The thing I find with the meno is that I cant just put on a brave face and make every thing ok and it seems like that is what he wants me to do. The meno is going nowhere fast.
I am a believer in communication being the key but what do you say to someone who is angry with you for something you cant help.... I refuse to go to lunch with him and sit and suffer just to make him feel better, I tell him how I am feeling which I admit is repetative and boring but its real and its happening...... they tell me it wont go on for ever :(
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Neeta you say
"When I am feeling well and having a good day I like to catch up with the kids who are 19 and 22, and meet them for coffee or suppa"....
Could you not include him as well, and have some 'family meet ups' ..i know its hard to cope with low feelings, but its 'him' who listens to your feeling, as you work with him everyday, so maybe for him to 'feel' included on your 'good days' could ease the tension between you.. :-*
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Thanks Rosebush, I do include him but it seems that because I arrange with the kids and then ask him along he still feels neglected. They are not his children he is my 2nd husband although we have been together since the kids were four and two...
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Thanks Susan, that was my reaction too.... I wanted to say just grow up !! The kids are not his so he doesnt share my excitement in seeing them and having some precious one to one time with them.
I am trying to put myself in his shoes and I imagine I would feel a little neglected too but I would like to think I would understand where he was coming from and let him put his needs first at a difficult time. I imagine I would make a fuss of him and let him know I was there if needed. Perhaps subconciously thats what I need, I am struggling daily just to run the business and get through my day every thing is a massive effort and the last thing I need is a moody whiney husband.
I know it must be hard for him but I would like to see how much he would consider me if he woke up almost every day with a head like a lead balloon, crippling anxiety, and hormones from hell. when I do wake up and feel great i want the old Neeta back and be normal for a day and just take care of me not my needy husband................. aggggrrrrr am I ranting now?
Susan dont want to belittle your moan about the constant tea and coffee offer but I had to giggle...isn't it funny what tiny little things drive us crazy :steamed:
thanks for post... have had a long walk on the beach today....ALONE..... cos I feel good today and wanted some me time to clear my head.
building up to chat with the old man over a glass of wine later.....may end in tears ::)
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I really feel sympathy for you ladies who don't have understanding partners in your life. I'm single, so I don't have to worry about appeasing a mere male, but it does make me really angry when I hear about men belittling women for what we have to go through, or just showing a complete lack of interest. If a man is having hard time of it, even if it's just man-flu, everyone has to hear about it and lay on the tea and sympathy. Why can't women get the same treatment?
I do have a number of male friends in my life (both single and married) and surprisingly a lot of them are quite sympathetic, but I have one male friend who will literally run from the room (I'm not joking) if the subject of hormones, menopause or periods enters into the conversation. I can't believe that a grown man could act so childishly about something. I feel sorry for his partner. She is in her mid 40s and not showing any specific symptoms at the moment, but when/if she does she will have absolutely no support from him at all. Fortunately she will have all her girlfriends to lean on.
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I'm very lucky in that I've come through the meno pretty well, as I can't imagine my husband being understanding either. I've had mild hot flushes, and emotional ups and downs, some of which I have displayed in front of him, but on the whole I've kept it together in his presence. He does get bewildered by my occasional tiredness though.
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Can I just say that....it isnt just the women who are moody and irritable! Husbands can be going through something similiar - whether from drop in testosterone, or simply by being middle aged but overworked. Apparently there is such a thing as manopause....
I would actually say that in our house it is my husband who is acting like the menopausal woman and I am the one having to keep the peace (in between my hot flushes and mood swings)
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I agree! And men lose their libido too, though that's not something that's generally acknowledged. I saw on a most unhelpful website that "men only lose their sex drive due to not having a responsive partner. They can have sex up until their nineties and give it up most unwillingly." In other words, it's the fault of the women for not enjoying sex anymore. What bunkum!
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I had a thread on this a while back. Men suffer andropause which causes all the same symptoms we get except the periods obviously. they get tired, irritable, lose libido, lose interest in stuff, suffer night sweats and ED.
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;D ;D ;D ;D This has been so helpful and I laughed my socks off at some of your comments ;D Luckily my husband has been totally awesome.. so far!! But I shall certainly print off a copy for him.. I think he has done quite a bit of research by himself and when I get stroppy and he quotes me something quietly I think.. ' bloody smart***!! but then I feel guilty, coz he is amazing and is really supportive!! ;)
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I have read your Advice for Husbands with the list of possible symptoms. I found it very helpful and sounds so like me. I am 65 now and I still have symptoms that at times seem to be worse than at other times.
I get the anxiety, scared feeling and feel out of control of my thoughts etc. I cannot make a decision and when I do next month I start doubting the decision I made. I apparently ask silly questions of my husband (his words) I get insecure and feel the need for lots of reassurance. I feel as if other people are running my life and cannot be assertive at this time. Feed back would be good. :'(
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Hi Thea
:welcomemm:
Why not introduce yourself on "New Members"? Newbies can get missed in the middle of existing threads and others will want to welcome you. ;)
The lack of self-confidence and anxiety are problems for a lot of us on here so you'll find lots of understanding and support. :hug:
Bette x
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Hi Bette Thanks for the post. I do not really understand how this forum works. What is The New Members? It's taken me ages to find your reply!! ::)
I actually thought that at the age of 65 I would not have mood swings, my lady Doctor thinks it is unusual too. But I definately get bloated, slightly sore breasts, tiredness, headaches and aches and pains seem worse at these times. That is when I get a scared feeling and ring people up for reassurance. Some people get fed up of this though so you have to be careful who you speak too. My husband gets quite angry with me because I have been like this all the time I had periods PMT, and I still get the same feelings monthly.
I would appreciate any help that others can give me.
Thanks
I get indecisive at this time too, not l
I get indecisiv
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Hi Thea
If you click on "Forum" (yellow button in the menu on the left) it'll take you to the front page of the forum. Then click on "New Members" and "New Topic" and then you can introduce yourself. Alternatively, just post on another existing thread. Just start joining in and you'll soon get the hang of it! :)
It does sound as if you're still having some sort of hormone cycle and I have heard of ladies having hot flushes well into their 70s plus so it makes sense that other meno symptoms can occur too. At least you've found us to share it all with. :bighug:
Bette x
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Bette Thanks for the welcome, I am feeling fed up with the so called meno. Just when you think you have sorted it something changes, like spots on nose (gone back to my teens} ;D shoulder aches etc.
Does anyone else have bad days and find they hate everything about their lives? Or am I going mad? :-\
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Does anyone else have bad days and find they hate everything about their lives? Oh yes! :yes:
Or am I going mad? Well, if you are, we're all going mad with you! :madeyes: :lol:
Bette x
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Hi Thea
Welcome from another mad menopausal women who's had a bad day today. Tomorrow's another day ;)
Mac
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I was going to start a thread on the importance of our OH understanding what a lousy ride this MP is - then I came across this thread and couldn't resist copying and pasting one of the posts!
"My advise to husbands (1) Beware of low flying saucepans (2) know when to keep it (3) don't ask for sex as a refusal may cause offence or in extreme cases the likelihood of a black eye (4)please make a fuss even when we say "don't make a fuss" (5) Don't ask "would you like a drink" of course I b****y do and a king size bar of chocolate and 3 Magnums (6) Dont say " can I get you anything" yeh like what! a new body (7) Mostly don't try and understand me just love me" Actually, both of us laughed out loud but OH still seems to think we exaggerate all this just a tiny bit!!! >:(
Hannah x
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Glad it's not just me who thinks they are going mad :P
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Sanity is boring!! ;D
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I thanked my hubby for being so supportive yesterday and he said 'Bo...i'm your husband, friend and much much more. You never have to say thank you to someone who loves you...' think I met a saint 40 years ago!
My advice for husbands, and men in general is please to listen to us. Don't patronise us, don't make the meno the butt of jokes. Just walk with us through this thing and hold our hands when we get scared, teary and confused. It's like walking through a dark forest full of scary monsters and to have someone to help chase them away is all we ask...
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I don't know if my 22 year old manchild found this on the internet or something like this, but he sure acts that way.
That kid is a saint sometimes.
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Thanks for the laughs reading this I will be emailing this to my husband so he knows that I'm not going mad and when I burst into tears for no apparent reason its not always his fault!
Xx
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Just read this to my husband - gushing about finding this new forum.
He is very good though.....
brings home newspaper articles about menopause to show me, encouraged me to go see a doctor and is generally very understanding.
I am a very grateful and lucky girl. :) :)
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:bounce: for new members ;)
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For new members. :welcomemm: :hug: :hug:
Bramble
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I had a good chat with my hubby last night about all this, then showed him this today, pretty much everything id said to him, but it reassured him on a lot of aspects, especially the sex part, he now knows i dont unfancy him :D
Thanks for writing this!
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I'm on HRT over five years now and think it must be too light a dose because there's a quiet a few questions answered. Up to now I thought there was one size fits all HRT Pill - Laughed out loud at some posts ;D ;D
I'd say everyone's laughing at my innocence now :o
Carms
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I had pretty much shut my husband out and buried my head in the sand until I read this by poppyrose. I copied it and emailed it to my husband and after he read it he came home from work and just held me tight and said I hear you, I will try harder to understand.
We are now trying to face it together :) :)
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:bounce: for new member
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TBH my hubby has been really good 95% of the time. We went through fertility treatment and IVF (unsuccessful) so he's pretty aware of my body. My menopause has thrown him a bit. Firstly because I went from "normal" to post meno in a matter of weeks, secondly his mother had left home before reaching this stage, thirdly although his sis is older than me (5 years) I'm well ahead in this experience!
We've just been discussing the list and we think he might be having a sympathetic meno as he can tick off a few of them!
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My advice for Husbeasts. For the love of God, learn how to make a decent cup of tea and offer to make us one occasionally!!
My Husbeast IS pretty good BTW, but he still makes a rotten cuppa...... ;D
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:bounce: for new members
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:bounce: for new Members
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UPDATE BY ADMIN
This is a female only forum. Poster's account deleted.
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I have read this entire post, and a couple of books. I thought it might be useful to add a man's point of view.
Very happily married. Love my wife dearly. Together over 30 years. About a year ago, my wife began suffering the kinds of symptoms in this forum. Neither of us were prepared. The expectation had perhaps been for a few hot flushes, something we could have easily coped with.
Without us realising what was happening, day to day love and affection began to decline. I have always been more overtly loving and tactile. My wife stopped wanting to kiss, to hug, to hold hands.
Her body changed in ways that I now realise are normal - sensitive breasts, atrophic vaginitis etc. Sex was no longer enjoyable for her (foreplay, touching, stroking, cunnilingus, penetration etc). Over time sex got more and more rare. Then she said she really did not enjoy it at all and was quite happy to just focus on me. Happy days I (selfishly) thought, but after a while this made me feel our relationship was unbalanced - I felt guilty only taking not giving. It also became mechanical and always against the clock. Not very romantic for either of us.
Not knowing any better, I foolishly (I hope) began to suspect she might have a lover. I did not really believe this, but it seemed to provide an explanation. Once the seed of doubt is sown, it is easy to see further 'evidence'. This never really developed into anything - and I only mention it because the thought was there. It may seem daft but I like most men I was clueless about potential affects of the menopause.
She did not explain how she felt or describe what was happening to her, I did not explain how I was feeling. We were at the lowest point in our relationship, but I am not even sure we realised it. Having been together 30 years you kind of take it for granted that things will work out given a little time.
Finally we began to communicate. But having put thing off for so long it was very traumatic. She revealed a loss of self esteem, a feeling of worthlessness, a loss of happiness, feeling empty, having no feelings what-so-ever for me, not much better for the children. Feeling 'so confused' and speculating that we needed a trial separation. Wow. I felt self pity, and sorrow that I had not looked after her better.
We are only just beginning to try to manage our way through this.
She may be depressed, we are not sure. Maybe needs HRT. We already eat well, take exercise etc. It sounds like we will be on a roller coaster for a while.
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No sure if it is what she wants, but have tried to boost her feelings with romantic gestures.
I have also read books on saving marriages and the menopause. She is reading the same books. I no longer take her for granted and am working hard to make her feel loved, and hope that her love will be re-kindled at some point in the future ( :'( :'().
In some ways there is a silver lining. I am almost sure that we will emerge stronger from this awful (hopefully short) period, but I am also terrified that we might lose the battle.
I am feeling very sad. I cannot function effectively. I am in shock. I am scared, I think about this all the time. This has nothing to do with sex or moods or anything like that - it is because my wife no longer feels love for me and I might never win it back. Fortunately the book on marriage provided some exercises that we went through, and this provided reassurance and evidence to suggest otherwise.
Best of luck to you all. Give your husbands a hug whenever you can. Love conquers all x.
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Hello Ouch man.
Thank you so much for your post. It is refreshing to hear a man's perspective and you have my sympathy because this menopause business is a hard row to hoe for all concerned.
I am ashamed to say that I have told my husband a few times that I don't love him anymore and he has taken it well because I have always been very honest about my menopause problems and made sure he knew it was the changing hormones that were talking, also we actually get on very well! Only this evening, whilst in the middle of an anxiety episode I told him that I wish he could take all my jitteryness away and eradicate all the nervousness I'm feeling. I understand that is too much to ask of a person in reality but it doesn't stop me wishing it were possible!
The only other male comments I've heard regarding the menopause came from two guys who were working on our house.One said that his wife was often very hot and 'huffed and puffed' all the time. He was finding life difficult because she was saying some nasty things to him and their son and he wanted to know if ladies meant all they said at such times. The other guy was older and was having treatment for prostate cancer. He had been given hormone therapy at one point but hated it because it gave him hot flushes. When I said 'you know how I feel then' he rolled his eyes and said ' tell me about it'.
It is sad but true that most men can't understand what the menopause is doing to us, I didn't appreciate it myself until it happened to me, but the fact that you are trying is an excellent thing and I wish you and your wife well.
K.
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Tell me im beautifull every single day even though i know im not.
Dont ever stare at me or i will shove 2 fingers up ur nose and drag you off the sofa by your nose hair.
If im bieng pathetic ..humour me
Never offer well meant advice about ways of getting to sleep. IVE TRIED EVRRYTHING ..
Never EVER wake me up if im asleep unless theres a fire and only then if it threatens to come into my room :D
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Lifeofa50yearold- Love it! 😺X
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:rofl: Lifeofa50yearold - you'll fit right in ;D
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Will my husband still be able to read it ..if I shoved it down his throat I wonder ...!!!!!
He told me to ....GET A GRIP about 6 months ago .....the glass door has now got a nice crack in it .....I threw my shoe at him .....unfortunately he ducked ....I'm not getting the door repaired ....it's staying like it as a reminder for him to never say it again ....!!!!!
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Girl after my own heart alyb!
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Oh all you lovely ladies , thank you....😂😂🤣😂🤣😂
I only just found this thread.....
Copied and emailed to my husband
I'm calmer now after nearly choking with laughter! And even now still giggling to myself after reading through everyone's posts. After a trip to the, (happily very close) bathroom, whilst running with crossed legs 😳😳😳
But even that seemed not such a big deal to me today after reading all the comments.
We do need to laugh don't we?
😊
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Poppyrose would you consider changing the title to 'advice for partners'? Some of us have wives, not husbands :-)
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Poppyrose was a member about ten years ago.
Taz x
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Fantastic best article I have read for ages thank you so much. Printed for hubby to read later will give him a 🍻 with it lol .
😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂👍👍👍👍👍👍
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We have a new survey aimed at male partners. To find out how the menopause affects men and relationships.
See the survey here (https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/partner-survey.php)
See more questionnaires on the surveys page (https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/questionnaire.php)
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:bounce:
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Hi jet here,
After a intense row with hubby ...
I found tbis advice for men regarding a woman going through the menopause xx
Well he says he read it .
Especially the knife flying past the ear .
So lets hope he listens and takes heed .
I can't do this on my own ..
Bloody men make it all about them
I can get through this orrid patch of nothing ness
Jet x
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For new members - read and hand over ;-)
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Had a little cry and a laugh at this. Made so much sense and definitely put things into perspective. Thank you 😊
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Bounced
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Bumped ........
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For new members ;-)
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Bounced for new member
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Hi
I just want to say, a huge thank you for This, I can't believe I've had all these symptoms & more for years ! I finally plucked up the courage a couple of weeks ago to contact my GP - I listed all my symptoms in an email. I had blood tests which identified menopause & also at risk of diabetes (which has stumped me, being stick thin & fit but that's another story) as well as having years of These symptoms, not really talking about it & genuinely thinking I ultimately had some life threatening illness, I have a husband who's had to live with me not knowing what's going on & Has passed comments such as 'snap out of it? ?what's up with you? etc etc, but in his defence He didn't know what was going on & neither did I ! I would often respond defensively, which would end up with a full blown argument with me screaming at the top of my voice - which genuinely isn't me !
I feel a bit stupid, because as a woman, I should Have had some idea of what was going on, I had no idea the menopause could be so destructive both physically & emotionally - although I know my mother was extremely depressed when she went through it, but kept very quiet about it.
I could go on forever,,, it feels such a relief to read all your posts/experiences/ I suddenly feel less alone.
Thank you !
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Did U print it off and hand over ;-)
Browse round. Make notes.
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You're not the only one, I was clueless until celebs starting talking about other symptoms on TV. Sadly not watched by my gp who thought the only symptoms of meno are flushes and irregular periods >:(
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My husband tries. He likes to fix things which is great around the house but because he can't
fix me he gets frustrated. He also struggles with emotions because his mother was an alcoholic so I imagine any instability in our home life brings back some very bad memories. We have been through a really bad PND period after our first child and he struggled then too. He is rock, he is faithful and works hard but most of what I suffer eludes him
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Of course it eludes him because he can't empathise. Print this off then he can ask questions: via you if necessary to us at MM.
Men have different emotions. Mine hates confrontation ::). He could also contact AA as he is a survivor of an alcoholic parent, it might help to talk to others in similar situations. It's never too late to get advice.
Don't 'imagine' anything ;-). We shouldn't assume that because he's had problems that these cloud his future.
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Is there any way of changing the title of this thread to "advice for partners"? Some of us have wives ;D!!
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Will that do?
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Bounced - print out and hand over ;)
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4 new members
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New Members - to print off for your partners which may help!
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Bumped for new members ;)
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Thank you. Printing as we speak ;D
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Let us know the reaction ;D
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I’ve just found this & sent to husband
To be honest he as been great & always try’s to reassure me things will get better.
I always think he must be bored of hearing me but he isn’t
He said he feels helpless that he don’t understand it & that this is one thing he can’t fix & that frustrates him
As it does me .. I was naive and expected to stop periods and maybe a few flushes. Shock to the system for me
I know I’ve changed but one thing about me and husband is we have always spoke about things.. we are open and up front even if it’s not what we Wanna hear
All our mates say they have never heard us slag each other off to people .. because we always tell each other rather than a middle person.
He is a good man as I’m a good wife to him & he said no matter what we do this together :) but I know and can see it bothers him seeing me go from happy go lucky to a bag of nerves & non existent
I know he will read it as he is that kinda man , we was lucky to find each other and we will be lucky to get through this together
Lucky for him I’ve not experienced anger yet 😂😂😂
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Oh I would RAGE in the few days prior to a period ??? DH learnt to stand well back! We never call each other out in public, once I had explained that it isn't necessary to be exact when talking to people; i.e. does any1 really bother if it was last Wed. or 2 weeks ago on Sunday that we are talking about ??? ::)
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My friend went through a stage of being angry with everyone .. she said she just felt rage constantly and went docs because she knew she needed something to calm her down
She is on antidepressants which calmed her down
She said she knew she had too because she works as customer service manager and she said she felt so much rage to complete strangers lol 😂
I’ve never been angry … only with myself for not coping & I hope I don’t get the angry symptom
And yeah CLKD private life is a happy life and our buisness is ours not the worlds thts what makes our marriage work as good as it does :)
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Thanks I’m struggling to get my husband onboard. I’m struggling with alot of the peri symptoms.
He is complaining the house is upside down. His priorities seem different to mine. I Just feel so run down and alone . I know I feel extra sensitive. He’s wanting to declutter and shampoo our carpets. Im literally just trying to get through the day with two young Kids. Nights are hard too.
I’ve sent lots of links and tried talking to him x
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Print this off. Hand to him. He may read it! Have a quiet discussion that you need to talk to him: mayB after your evening meal, across the table. Have a short list of how you feel as you go into perimenopause and ask how he would like to ease the situation - is it important to clean the carpets right this moment? It may be his way of having some control if he doesn't/won't understand hormonal upheaval ::)
Suggest that you both make a separate list of priorities i.e. for the next 6 weeks. Does he work away from Home? Is it that he sees 'clutter' where maybe there isn't much? Shampooing carpets should be done in the Summer so that windows can be flung open for extra drying air ;-).
Let us know how you get on.
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Thank you so much for your words of comfort and support.
It’s great that such a wonderful forum.
I will take your suggestions and try my best. X
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Bounced
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Yes I keep telling him my symptoms but I think, he thinks I feel better in a day or 2.... He doesn't seem to get it that it lasts years.... And he tries it on for sex, but I just don't feel like it at the moment, I just don't....so I have to keep saying so...I have lots of symptoms going through the Perimenopause, get good days and bad days, get days where I get angry and frustrated with people, I keep telling myself it's what I'm going through.... Looking forward to spring time :tulips2: :tulips2: :tulips2:
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Bump for new Members
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For new Members - print, read and hand over ;-)
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Bump for new members
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Isn't this section a bit dated. Advice for husbands? How many women have partners or sexual partners that aren't husbands? Lots.
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Nope. Life is complicated enough.
One can print and hand over "To whom it may concern".
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Isn't this section a bit dated. Advice for husbands? How many women have partners or sexual partners that aren't husbands? Lots.
Maybe husbands/wives/partners?
Taz x
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These three articles from our Menopause Matters Magazine have been added to the magazine section:
Putting the men into menopause
https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/magazine/articles-latest.php#menone
Listen to what the men said
https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/magazine/articles-latest.php#mentwo
Menopause and men
https://www.menopausematters.co.uk/magazine/articles-latest.php#menthree
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:thankyou:
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Hiya.
I need a copy of these symptoms on an official source page. Are these symptoms taken from members' personal experiences or is there an official full list somewhere else.
I have looked on NHS and BMS for example but they contain less than half of these symptoms!
Any help appreciated. Thank you. :) :thankyou:
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What does 'an official source page' mean?
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Hiya,
Not just printed from a forum, from an official medical website or an article written by doctors .
A few of my weirder symptoms are on this list which makes me feel Im not going bonkers but my employer wouldnt just accept a non official PDF.
Thanks
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I think that you need to send a PM to Emma ........
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ok, thank you
Thanks for your help on this post and my other one :)
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PS -
How do I message Emma? ::)
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go to where is says 'members', search for Emma - moderator.
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:thankyou: