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[jo61]

Does anyone else experience feelings of being detached, for instance I have been married for 18 years in a very close relationship ,then out of the blue I felt strange at first I thought that there was something wrong with my marriage that hubby must be doing something wrong for me to feel like this its as though we are distant.I then realise that I feel the same way with my children I told a  a friend the other night that I could easily move out and live on my own nobody has done anything wrong. I read the m.m. magazine online and a lady in there said she feels like she had swallowed an unhappy tablet and that is just how I feel. I tried citalopram but cannot cope with the weight gain I am large enough already and have mobility issues. I am wondering if these are just temporary emotions due to menopause or has something changed .Nothing seems to make me happy how do I get those feelings back.

[Suzi Q]

Right brist off your not Billy NO mates not everyhting is meno related Im 59 havent had a period since I was 42
I still get times like that where I feel disengaged from everything I was at a party last week and everyone kept coming up asking if I was ok as Im normaly life and soul but id felt off for a week or so I still feel that way
Are you depresed? I was still get iffy ? Depressions crappy thing can be sorted cos 1 pill doesnt work there are 100
OK weight gain also makes you depressed can you do anytig to help that yurself you say you have mobitlity problmes can you get help re weight and mobility? Ifyour in the middle of meno then Id say the abovce is more than likely meno
Please dont thnk your alone your not but realising is half the battle.
See GP about feelings OK Also ask about healthy weight what can you do to loose it Ask abut help re mobility
Thats what tey are there for to help you but you have to ask OK huge hugs xxxxxxxxxxxx

[rufus]

hi
I am glad that I have read your post because I can identify with you. I used to be a nurse, I have 3 adult children, (one with longterm physical health problems) and a very lovely husband. For about a year now I have been fantasising about living on my own. I don't seem to need any physical interaction with other people at all. I dont just mean loss of libido, but even just hugs and cuddles from anyone. Being a nurse I used to feel more compassion and a desire to comfort and help----even that seems to have vanished.  I dont think I am particularly depressed--I still have things I enjoy doing and see friends etc, but I am very different to how I was when I was younger.

I am not sure what to do about this, but I dont think its all bad. I still work in a "caring" occupation, but its not hands on anymore. Its better for me and I was finding the physical side of nursing very tirering anyway.  I have to make a real effort to be nice to my lovely husband, but I think that we were taking each other a bit for granted anyway, so maybe thats no bad thing.
My children do not need me to be there in the same way anymore and that is exactly how it should be.

I have suffered from depression in the past and how I feel now is nothing like that. I just feel different. I think maybe that this is a time of transition, and it is a very difficult thing to do.
For me. these feelings are connected to the menopause, and I could certainly have done without them. If it gets worse I will go to the GP, but for the moment I will see how it goes. Change is really difficult, particularly if it is change that I never wanted in the first place!!
I had a very similar conversation with a friend the other day who had an early menopause and has used hrt for about 10 years who said that she feels much the same.

I would say that if the feelings are taking away all enjoyment from life then maybe go back to the gp and ask for something different? Do they have counselling at the surgery or maybe a referal to a specalist?  But mainly know that you are not alone in feeling like this and do not suffer in silence.  By the way--I am also "large enough already" and trying to lose weight and finding it rreally tough. Just love the menopause!!

[Rowan]

I recommend reading The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine its fantastic read and really explains what happens our  brain all through our lives and how estrogen has such an influence.

Here is an excerpt

http://www.oprah.com/health/The-Female-Brain

[CLKD]

I don't need people around me as much as I did even 18 months ago.  DH and I knock along OK together.  We meet with friends at various places but I have no desire to invite them back ......... I'm in my own World: it's OK, they know me here 

[catlady]

I feel exactly the same!   Not a nice feeling but I like my own company better
than being with other people.
I can't seem to interact with others now, even my own adult children get me down,
I'm glad when they go home!   
I seem to be nagging at hubby more,  I wouldn't care if I lived alone but then again that thought scares me,  can't win. 

Ann x

[jo61]

I am pleased I am not going mad, Thankyou silverlady I read the the Female Brain link and wow things fall into place. I have two boys one is 26 years old and the youngest is nearly 16 years old (big age gap). I don't feel depressed I feel like over the last few months I am in a hurry to make my youngest grow up and become independent, you have to think that his hormones are raging at the moment now as well. I have had counselling but that did not help I got on with the young lady really well but it was more me helping her which I enjoyed but did not fill that emotional void I am feeling. I can connect to Rufus who seems to have described exactly how I feel. I have spent so long wondering what was wrong and in less than a day all you lovely ladies have put things in perspective. It must be mother nature's way of helping us move forward to the next stage in our lives I just wish she had given my family earmuffs so they didn't have to listen to my rants. I do wish  the old me to return .

[Delilah]

Hi jo61 and a big 

I would say that if hubby or family have done nothing to initiate these feelings and they have more or less come out of the blue and you are " a woman of a certain age" so to speak, then i think you can be pretty certain that its the menopause.  Are you having any other symtoms? (huge list!!) lotsof women experience all sorts of emotional issues during meno, some take the natural approach, some manage with AD's and some decide on hrt.
Citalopram may not have suited you, you dont say how long you've been taking it. There are other Ad's to try or maybe hrt would be a suitable option.

Read as much as you can on here, you'll see you're definitely not alone,  we're all experiencing difficulties with menopause in varying degrees. Get as
much info as you can, then pop along and see your gp (hopefully you've got a good one) and get started on something thats going to make you feel a lot better.

By the way theres a section in the menu on the left somewhere to show your hubby and family whats happening to you and help them understand why you may not be feeling quite like your old self 

Hope you'll start feeling much better real soon.

Take care
Delilah x

[rufus]

Such an interesting topic--thanks jo61!
I used to work in a hospice (best job I ever had) and was always amazed at how calm and accepting most people were at the thought of their own death. It seemed as tho they had wound down (or up) to the event and biology had put them in the right place to enter the next part of living. Maybe this time is a bit like that--- I don't mean death and dying, am no where NEAR ready for that, but I want my children to leave home and set up on their own and I want to be able to be on my own if I want to be.  I would not have wanted that 10 years ago, but it is how I am now. 
I really hate the physical side of the menopause and I don't really like the changes that are happening to me, but perhaps its all part of moving to the next stage.  I just have to find a new way of being who I am, and that is proving rather difficult.!!

[Taz2]

It's very difficult to do that without hurting people I think. I know quite a few older married men who are so sad at the changes in their wives especially the way they feel as if  they are superfluous in their lives now. There especially seems to be a withdrawal of emotion and intimacy which can leave husbands and partners really upset.

Is it the same for women who either through choice or circumstance have remained childless? Do you also feel that you now want to withdraw and live on your own to pursue your own life or is it only women who have maybe sat on their own needs and personalities for years without even realising it in order to bring up the children in a stable environment?

Taz x

[Delilah]

I have to say that i feel the exact opposite since going into menopause. I've needed my family around me more and whereas i was comfortable with my own company before and looked forward to having my own space and time,  i now dread being alone in the house and feel lonely and isolated.  I think i'm more needy now of my hubby's time and affection and couldn't bear the thought of going it alone!!

Strange isn't it how this menopause lark affects us all in such different ways, but then again we're all such different people aren't we.

Delilah x

[Lucky Stone]

Fascinating thread, looking back over my life I reckon that I have always been an introvert although I am jolly in company and can well hold my own, I've always been happy on my own (only child) and doing things by myself. I'm not really very sociable any more and I know that frustrates OH a bit as he would like to go out more and socialise, have folk round and I am just not interested. I prefer being quiet, just reading or practicing my music, doing crafty things, I just can't be bothered with small talk and making the effort. I know I am not depressed although I am on SSRIs for anxiety and these have been good, albeit my appetite has not increased (I have the opposite problem) - and I still have my emotions intact, we've had a sad time this last week or so after a work colleague died suddenly and we have the funeral to face next week and that will be hard.  But maybe it is just the time of life and the changes we go through. It's good to come on here and realise I'm not the only one who's turned into an antisocial old bird (ha ha) 

[dylan]

reading through all your posts , i can deff relate , too all you ladies , the feeling of being sad , depressed  , not every day , but its there off and on . and that horrible annoyed feeling , the smallest thing , sets me off i dont suffer fools , gladly now a days   i try too do , things , that , make me feel happy , some times , its the small , things . that can make a diffrence . i like too read .

[rufus]

I have just read the post from Taz and think that maybe she has it right.  The children in my relationship have always come first, even more so than usual perhaps because our daughter has many health problems and is autistic. Its not all bad--she is very clever and is now engaged to a really great chap, but she will always need help in her life.  However, that help will not always come from me, and now she is managing better on her own (she still lives with us, but is more independent) I am able to stand back. I had to give up full time work a while ago because the hours did not fit in with care (I also cared for my dad until he died) and so now have time that I have never had before. All this and the meno as well!!

I do wonder tho, if our hormones play a bigger part in our caring, compassionate side than I realised. Its not that I no longer care or love my family, because I do, its just that I feel "differently" about them.  I really can identify with Luckystone and I find small talk an effort-too-far and will get out of gatherings if I can. My husband is not like me at all, and he has always been more outgoing than me, so we have always had separate social lives. We had a great day out yesterday but I am aware that I have to make an effort to include him in my life.  I am not depressed, but thinking of how I used to be and how I am now, does make me sad.
But there are lots of positives in my life now--we have time for each other, can go out when we want (money permitting!), I have enrolled in an adult ed class. Its not easy tho.

[CLKD]

Interesting point Taz ........ I remained childless through choice.

My M in L told me when we first met in 1970whateverit was: that she put her husband first because her boys would leave home and she didn't want for them to be strangers.  D in L worked long hours as a builder but his docky was packed ready for him to take each morning, she always got up to see him off and his meal was on the table 30 mins after he got home.  Her boys were taught to cook and clean from an early age and if they didn't want to eat with their Dad they had to fend for themselves.  Usually we all ate together as I was included once I began courting her youngest lad.  I think I would have been the same.  I married my Man because I LOVE him - everyone who has drifted into and out of our Life has been welcomed, their company enjoyed but as our situations have changed: some we kept in touch with; others not heard of since.

The thing I most wanted was a stable man in my Life.  My parents rowed  .......... their values, useful to me as it gave me a basis to work from, were totally different and I gradually let go over the years. I don't get on with my sister and circumstances mean that we don't need to meet.  So now that we are both retired we do most things together, in fact we always have done.  We walk/cycle:garden: read/shower together - OK not always the latter together  : he has his interests but I usually go along so that I can read, do crosswords, laze in the sun, walk, meet friends ......... he has started fly fishing lessons and suggested that I went to watch but I will use those hours to tidy our house  ........

I have been out with friends today, people we only meet at these occasions.  We don't mix otherwise.  In the 1970s we used to host parties and cook food; in and out of each other's houses - been there, done that OK at the time but wouldn't want to now.  I do however see our neighbours, now the age we were then, doing exactly the same: hosting parties, cooking food ........