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[CLKD]

well done!  I find that clinical depression can break through the organic …….. particularly if I've visited Mother   

[Babsm67]

Hi CLKD,  for bumping this thread.  I can relate so much to what you have said in your posts.  I also grew up in a dysfunctional household & was an anxious child.  I too, was so ill during February/March this year (when I was experiencing personal & work problems) that I cou!d barely eat, wash or get out of bed then, one day, I ended up getting an emergency appointment with my GP & somehow (goodness only knows how) got over there, unwashed etc. & could barely walk from my car to the waiting room because I fe!t so weak (my weight had dropped dramatically).  I just remember almost collapsing onto my gp's desk in floods of tears & begging him to admit me to hospital (he didn't).  Instead, he prescribed me valium to calm me down & referred me for counselling.  The valium helped a little at the time but the wait for the counselling was too long &, by the time the sessions started (NHS), I had already made some more disasterous decisions & had ended up resigning from my job.  I only started paid employment again a couple of months ago.  Even now, I find it an effort to get out of bed on the weekdays that I do not work but I can recognise now, especially from what you have said, that I am both clinically and organically depressed (it is on both sides of my family)& will need medication through this winter.  Hormonal fluctuations during my menstrual cycle, & particularly during perimenopause, have made it worse. It is such a shame that the escitilopram doesn't appear to agree with me anymore but I will try & persevere with the initial low dosage of setraline (the only other alternatives may be prozac or citilopram as mentioned in my 'Anti-depressants' thread). My main worry is the insomnia which is a major side effect for me. Thanks again for bumping the thread  xx

[CLKD]

Join the Club that no one wants to be in  . 

If you can't sleep, how about a radio by the bed?  With soft music on …….. I had Radio2 on for years.  Of course now there are iPad thingies so that one can have a random selection of music  …… it helped focus my brain on not sleeping.  If there was a suitable piece of music I could pretend I was ice-skating: yeh, right  : but every skate position was correct and I soared …… sometimes it would ease me into sleep.

Do you still have Valium to hand?  Might be worth using as necessary.

[Dyan]

Madboss
Another club member 

[GypsyRoseLee]

I know my peri menopausal depression is organic because it can strike in a matter of moments (literally in the time it takes to drink a cup of tea). It then lasts from between 2-7 days and then disappears in the space of a few hours.

It is the oddest thing. While I am experiencing it I feel so very flat, low and despairing. I cannot remember what it feels like to feel normal/happy and I am certain I will never feel happy/normal again.

Then whoosh! It lifts, and I find it hard to remember what it feels like to feel so low.

[GypsyRoseLee]

Yes, pretty much Pranja. Although they certainly didn't always proceed my period like classic PMS. But then my cycle changed when peri started, in that it became shorter and my periods much lighter and often only lasting 2-3 days, rather than 6-7 like before.

I also think I had months where I didn't ovulate at all, despite having a very light bleed. This made it even harder to properly chart anything or link it precisely to my menstrual cycle.

But, aside from all that my episodes of low mood/anxiety would generally only last roughly a week, followed by a couple of perfectly normal/happy weeks, followed by a few iffy days.

[CLKD]

When I am in despair I know that I am never going to feel happy or well again  .  Then the despair lifts ……… since remaining generally well I can recognise when my brain requires support.

It's like the body: when the gut is hungry, we usually eat.  When the brain needs support, we often ignore it …… I don't know what chemicals my brain requires so fortunately the current AD eases symptoms.

[Babsm67]

Thanks for the suggestions, CLKD - I do still have the valium, thankfully, which helps.  I had my 4th CBT session today & am beginning to see that my thought patterns worsen my depression.  Normally, my mood dips mid-cycle onwards & the low mood becomes more persistent in the autumn & winter months.  I appear to be an 'overthinker'!  I also occasionally get that 'crushing fatigue' that Prajna mentioned - hormones grrr!
Thanks Dyan for the      Yes, I'm now a member of the club!    . X

[CLKD]

I over-think when stressed; when depression takes over and when anxiety strikes.  Otherwise my Brain is quiet.  I used to talk to myself all the while, trying to 'put things right' ……. or planning what I would say to someone in certain possible situations.  I don't do that as often as the people that triggered those feelings are dead 

CBT can be useful as it gives methods of sorting and possible calming repeative thought patterns.  Do you have 'homework'?

[Babsm67]

Hi CLKD, I am sorry for the delay in replying - I had lost track of what I had posted on MM!  The 'overthinking' is a big problem of mine.  I am guilty of 'mindreading' & 'catastrophising' (the 'what if...'scenarios).  I do have 'homework' for the cbt.  One topic at the moment is to write down what evidence I actually have for when I think someone might, for example, dislike me or is disappointed with me.  I really want this to work but I need to be in the right frame of mind to be able to carry the tasks out.  As I mentioned tonight in another thread, I am trying to stop 'sinking under' - don't think the gloomy weather or reminders of my old workplace today have helped.  Going to church on Sunday as I have booked the day off so that encourage me.  X

[CLKD]

How disappointed are you that your sister has cancelled?

I was raised by a Narcisstic Mother …… but wasn't aware of it until after Dad died (long story short).

Although encouraged to 'do your best' I felt often that I never quite came up to standard  .  I had to discipline myself to accepting that what ever I did was *my* best and if it wasn't enough, then any feelings that my parents had were theirs - not my fault  and I also had to teach myself to say 'no' more often and not be bothered if it did't suit the other person.  It does get easier  ……

Those people that I felt 'disliked' me are no longer on my C.mas card list ;-).  As I grew older I became less boffered about what others might think ……. as long as I do my best each day: my other mantra is "I'm out of bed, what more do you want?" 

You are feeling vulnerable so homework will be hard work initially.  Little steps ……..

[Babsm67]

Hi CLKD,  Thank you :-) - I have replied in another thread about my sister's visit but I will mention it here.  I am sad that I will not be seeing her tomorrow but it's not her fault.  DH felt awkward about the visit because I stayed with my sister for a short time when we were briefly separated early this year (that was my foolish idea when I was not thinking straight) & she was instrumental in getting us reconciled - he also said he had nothing in common with them so I suggested that my daughter & I visit them in January instead.  I do have another sister who lives 15 miles away but she doesn't tend to stay in touch or even bother to send us birthday cards (she didn't even send a card for our son's 21st birthday even though I always send cards & money to our three nieces - I have to say that really hurt).  Like you have done, I need to teach myself to say 'no' more often & to not be bothered by what others might think.  I never felt 'good enough' & still don't - especially where some members of my family are concerned.  I have 2 half brothers & two half sisters & out of all of them, only one stays in touch more frequently & sends cards on birthdays etc..  The CBT man said 'Some people are forgetful & some simply can't be bothered/don't care'.  That's what I need to remember & not worry about it! Xx

[CLKD]

Get on with your Life?  I have little contact with my sister, I don't need to as she lives in another Country so we don't have to meet.  Too much hurt in the past which continues unless I cut contact.  Bothers others more than it does me  .

Same with friends, they come and go.   That isn't a reflection on me but the World is more mobile.  Bet though my sister will be there 'at the end'  however   

Make the people around you the most important.  Others are in your past ……

[Babsm67]

Thanks, that what I intend to do - the past has to be left behind otherwise it will ruin my life.  Need to concentrate on the 'here & now'.  I have reached a point where it is time to 'let go' of people who do not really care & stop wasting energy on worrying about it!    Xx

[CLKD]

There probably needs to B a form of grieving ….. although by the time I had decided not to engage with people who upset me including putting the 'phone down when necessary  I was confident enough to not be bothered by it.