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[Kazzabetty]

Hello. This is my first post here. I’m 46.

I am at my wits end. I can’t cope with this anymore. I’m just a shell of my former self.

My partner doesn’t understand, despite my repeated attempts to explain to him. I cry all the time and he looks at me like he hates me, like I’m an inconvenience. He won’t read up, saying he’s well aware of everything and doesn’t he just know about menopause… I feel like he’s punishing me for going through this and messing up his plans which just makes me hate myself even more. He says that he can’t believe all this is just because of the perimenopause and keeps asking about my mental health before I met him, as though that’s what is wrong with me. He says I need to try harder.

I totally understand how frustrating it must be for him. How can I explain to him, without turning into a pathetic blubbering mess, that I need him to be kinder to me and to hug me rather than berate me? 

I left my job in May as I couldn’t cope. I didn’t know at the time that it was most likely perimenopause making me feel that way. I have no friends and am very isolated. My anxiety stops me going out.

What a mess. I’m on hrt, just been increased to 100mcg Evorel but no improvements yet.

Sorry for the long first post and thank-you for reading it, if you did x

[bombsh3ll]

Sorry you're dealing with this, especially with an unempathetic manchild. That can only be adding to your distress.

I wonder if he'd think "trying harder" was the answer if something happened to his testicles!

Menopause is a design flaw, not a character flaw FFS!

Anyway you are in good company here and there are a tribe of women experiencing similar, who can at least make you feel not alone.

I would recommend being assertive in pursuit of optimal treatment given your age and the impact this is having on you.

[CLKD]

He needs a    No man 'knows all about menopause' even when they have read up.  It shouldn't be frustrating for him as he isn't suffering the hormonal upheavals.  He would be out of my front door, bags behind him and locks changed! How is he with regards other issues that couples might face?  Is it always about him?



How long have U been together?  How long have U been using HRT?  It may take a few months and several changes of dose to find something that helps. What were your periods doing B4 U decided to try a regime? 

Anxiety floors me.  My GP has prescribed various medications since 1988 all have helped.  Who is over-seeing your HRT?

Time to have that talk.  Never assume that any1 hates you, that may well be guilt !  Sit him down and ask what he wants to do about the situation that you are BOTH in.  Tell him that if he knows all about menopause then he should know enough to make an app with your GP, for a discussion as to how he can 'help you further'.  Also explain that many relationships break up because of hormonal upheaval and is this what he would like? 

I am angry that U R having to worry about his reactions when U have perimenopausal symptoms.  How much is your anxiety isolating you or how much does he control what you do etc..

   some find that keeping a mood/food/symptom diary of use to chart progress and to remind us when we have a better days. 

[Kazzabetty]

Hi CLKD,

Thanks so much for your reply.

We’ve argued a lot lately. The latest one was about him making a decision that affects us both without talking to me first (swapping the night he has his daughter).
When I challenged him about it he straight away said I was selfish.
Then he stated that he was making a decision for his daughter and that was that. I told him I thought it was unfair to make the decision without discussing it and he just flew off the handle. It was all my fault for challenging him… He told me he was going to kill himself, I feel to detract from his original behaviour.

I am aware I’ve completely gone off on a tangent here but this is what has started my latest feelings of very, very low self-worth. It feels like it’s always about him, yes. If I say I feel a certain way, his reply will be that he feels it too. He will tell me that it’s not all about me, that I’m ‘playing the victim’. If I try to defend myself he talks over me, says I’m being aggressive. Then he will bring something up that he’s done in the past to help me… Usually not how I remember them!!! So I break down and cry. And feel like shit for days. I don’t know if I’m like this because of perimenopause or because of him.

I know I’m very low lately and I do understand how hard this is for him to deal with. But surely I deserve a bit of compassion? All’s I seem to get is belittlement, looks of disdain, silent treatment, accusations of affairs… The list goes on. I never really go out and I have no-one to talk to about this.

I’ve been on HRT since October but haven’t felt any benefit yet. I’m so scared that it won’t help me and that I’ll feel like this forever

He needs a    No man 'knows all about menopause' even when they have read up.  It shouldn't be frustrating for him as he isn't suffering the hormonal upheavals.  He would be out of my front door, bags behind him and locks changed! How is he with regards other issues that couples might face?  Is it always about him?



How long have U been together?  How long have U been using HRT?  It may take a few months and several changes of dose to find something that helps. What were your periods doing B4 U decided to try a regime? 

Anxiety floors me.  My GP has prescribed various medications since 1988 all have helped.  Who is over-seeing your HRT?

Time to have that talk.  Never assume that any1 hates you, that may well be guilt !  Sit him down and ask what he wants to do about the situation that you are BOTH in.  Tell him that if he knows all about menopause then he should know enough to make an app with your GP, for a discussion as to how he can 'help you further'.  Also explain that many relationships break up because of hormonal upheaval and is this what he would like? 

I am angry that U R having to worry about his reactions when U have perimenopausal symptoms.  How much is your anxiety isolating you or how much does he control what you do etc..

   some find that keeping a mood/food/symptom diary of use to chart progress and to remind us when we have a better days.

[Kazzabetty]

Thanks for your reply bombsh3ll. It certainly feels good to know I’m in good company 😊

Sorry you're dealing with this, especially with an unempathetic manchild. That can only be adding to your distress.

I wonder if he'd think "trying harder" was the answer if something happened to his testicles!

Menopause is a design flaw, not a character flaw FFS!

Anyway you are in good company here and there are a tribe of women experiencing similar, who can at least make you feel not alone.

I would recommend being assertive in pursuit of optimal treatment given your age and the impact this is having on you.

[CLKD]

I wonder how many relationships this man has been through and the reasons why they broke down?  He may have a history of control.  How is he around his daughter?

I too would be angry if decisions were made without discussions unless it might B an emergency. We have a his/hers calendar , if it aint' on the calendar we ain't doing it   

We likes a meander we does because our situations impact on our health and vice versa.  You rant Girl!  No wonder you are teary, what support do you have otherwise?  It may B that this relationship is on its way out due to his reaction around your health needs - as well as turning his decision back to you.

Men in particular become angry when afraid.  It took me years to understand why my dad was angry, even more recently that my Mum caused a lot of problems that he was blamed for.    .  [long story short].  MayB at this time of your menopause journey think about your finances i.e. do you have access to your own money if push comes to shove.  U do not have to put up with his behaviour.  Love does not solve all issues!  My respect would disappear quickly if faced with a similar situation.

His words 2 U are those of someone trying to control and coerce another.  Treading on egg shells is not the way a relationship should be.  Also - 'going to kill himself' is a well known statement as is 'we won't tell Mummy about my being in your bed' to a child. Typical statements meant to scare and control.

My Mum would shout "I'm going to run away" so Dad would open the kitchen door - "Off U go then". She would huff loudly and go to bed.  When she tried to control me I would do the same as Dad ........ when she tried the trick in the Care Home they took away the keys to her French doors!  She never did realise why  .  Be careful what she wished for!

Make a list in your head if necessary as to the good/bad parts of the last 3 years.  Is there a history of repetition in his statements for example or is this a more recent problem?  Where would U like 2 B in 6 months time.

Some men don't deal well when their partners are ill, Dad was the same.  He became defensive etc..

[SundayGirl]

Kazzabetty -- I know that this isn't practical help but  You deserve better.

[Tez]

Oh Kazabetty, please don’t think any of this are faults of your own. I feel that he’s using manipulation, scapegoating, and gaslighting you, as a means of control and emotional abuse.  To be having to endure these things, on top of peri/menopause, must be a huge pressure on you! Please be careful, and look after you.  In Australia, there is lots of support for these types of situations, a women’s support service in every area. Not  sure where you are, or if you are able to seek help for domestic violence (domestic violence can be emotional tactics, not necessarily physical, and what you have written fits all the warning signs). But please don’t blame yourself. Take care.

[getting_old]

How long have you been together? and has his behaviour always been the same? If it's new then is something going on with him that has caused a change? If it's always been that way then you need to decide if you want to stay with him because he won't change.

[Minusminnie]

Hi CLKD,

Thanks so much for your reply.

We’ve argued a lot lately. The latest one was about him making a decision that affects us both without talking to me first (swapping the night he has his daughter).
When I challenged him about it he straight away said I was selfish.
Then he stated that he was making a decision for his daughter and that was that. I told him I thought it was unfair to make the decision without discussing it and he just flew off the handle. It was all my fault for challenging him… He told me he was going to kill himself, I feel to detract from his original behaviour.

I am aware I’ve completely gone off on a tangent here but this is what has started my latest feelings of very, very low self-worth. It feels like it’s always about him, yes. If I say I feel a certain way, his reply will be that he feels it too. He will tell me that it’s not all about me, that I’m ‘playing the victim’. If I try to defend myself he talks over me, says I’m being aggressive. Then he will bring something up that he’s done in the past to help me… Usually not how I remember them!!! So I break down and cry. And feel like shit for days. I don’t know if I’m like this because of perimenopause or because of him.

I know I’m very low lately and I do understand how hard this is for him to deal with. But surely I deserve a bit of compassion? All’s I seem to get is belittlement, looks of disdain, silent treatment, accusations of affairs… The list goes on. I never really go out and I have no-one to talk to about this.

I’ve been on HRT since October but haven’t felt any benefit yet. I’m so scared that it won’t help me and that I’ll feel like this forever

I would say that there are some red flags in what you have written.

Have you got Netflix there is a series called ‘ my lover my killer’ which reflects some of the behaviour you mention. Not saying to that extreme but you recognise yourself that you are being belittled etc don’t leave it too late to act for yourself.

Have you heard of Hollie Guard a safety app set up by the Dad of Hollie Gazzard ?

[Tweel]

Hello. This is my first post here. I’m 46.

I am at my wits end. I can’t cope with this anymore. I’m just a shell of my former self.

My partner doesn’t understand, despite my repeated attempts to explain to him. I cry all the time and he looks at me like he hates me, like I’m an inconvenience. He won’t read up, saying he’s well aware of everything and doesn’t he just know about menopause… I feel like he’s punishing me for going through this and messing up his plans which just makes me hate myself even more. He says that he can’t believe all this is just because of the perimenopause and keeps asking about my mental health before I met him, as though that’s what is wrong with me. He says I need to try harder.

I totally understand how frustrating it must be for him. How can I explain to him, without turning into a pathetic blubbering mess, that I need him to be kinder to me and to hug me rather than berate me? 

I left my job in May as I couldn’t cope. I didn’t know at the time that it was most likely perimenopause making me feel that way. I have no friends and am very isolated. My anxiety stops me going out.

What a mess. I’m on hrt, just been increased to 100mcg Evorel but no improvements yet.

Sorry for the long first post and thank-you for reading it, if you did x

Wouldn't it be lovely if once, just once, they could give us a hug and say something supportive. My husband has been useless support through my perimenopause, choosing to ignore everything. I've changed so much over the last couple of years and just focus on myself now. I ask him for nothing, and when he does try and offer support (out of guilt) I tell him where to go and I'm much stronger for it. I don't have any friends but I do have 3 beautiful grown up daughters and 2 little grandsons who I adore. They are my focus in life now and keep me going through the tough times. (I'm 53 and I choose not to take HRT because of the lack of menopause support in this area).  Keep going and try to focus on YOU. (HUG)

[CLKD]

My husband would have been out the door with his suitcase and the locks changed!  On 1 of our first dates he was told that should he lift a hand to me I would swing for him!  Fortunately he isn't the type though some in his family are quick tempered.

Staying safe is important and feeling valued even more so.