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[Miss Sunshine]

So I'm 55, married with 2 amazing teenage children.  I've been married a long time and I do love my husband.    However I have always had a niggling doubt that I settled.  There is no great passion there (on my part anyway).  We connect intellectually but I don't feel very attracted to him. 
When I look at my past (and this is something I'm just processing) every boyfriend ended things with me, never the other way around.  I've never been very successful with friendships either.  I really find myself struggling as to why.   I don't find striking up conversation easy.   I'm probably too serious for a lot of people and I've always been an introvert.  But I think I'm a decent person.  It's very hurtful though, especially when I grew up with a stunning sister who everyone wanted to either date or look like (including me).  I've literally had people ask ' what happened to you?' on seeing my sister!  I have a younger sister who is also stunning so I always felt like the ugly sister.  I don't think I'm unattractive and my husband thinks I'm gorgeous 😂 but they are in another league (at least they were in their youth). 
I was very late to mature and was very awkward with boys so I guess I never made any of them feel comfortable with me.  Do not get me wrong, I didn't have loads of boyfriends and by my mid 20's had never had a serious relationship. I have however been 'dumped' about 5 times! They all ended fairly quickly.  I think I only ever ended one relationship (if you could even call it that). 

I'm not sure what I am hoping to gain from writing this down but I guess it's cathartic maybe. 
If you've read this far, thank you.  Anyone else felt utterly invisible most of their lives?

[bombsh3ll]

I don't know if I've anything helpful to say but I can share in some of the sentiments that you have experienced.

What I would say is whilst it is easy to envy people who are very good looking, there is little evidence that they are actually any happier than the rest of us.

I have found it really helpful whilst going through difficult times in my own life to remind myself that when I see people who have the thing that I want most of all in the world, and seem to have got it effortlessly, to not assume that it makes them anywhere near as happy as it would make me.

Realising that the pregnant women and those with babies that were EVERYWHERE whilst I struggled with infertility were actually quite full of complaints and self pity rather than revelling in their blessings was a source of comfort and helped me feel less bitterness.

I also had a life altering accident when I was 34 and spent years filled with hatred and jealousy of people who got to move around freely and didn't live in chronic pain - until I came to the exact same conclusion, that no matter how fortunate, most people just don't seem very happy! I look at the faces of most non-disabled people and they are not smiling, and I listen to their speech and they are mostly just cataloguing grievances.

There is actually a term for it - hedonic adaptation - and I now genuinely believe that I am happier than most people even though objectively I have less reason to be, at least in some domains.

So focus on the fact that your husband thinks you are gorgeous - just because someone else looks like a supermodel it doesn't mean they automatically have healthy and enduring relationships, either with themselves or others.

Look at Hollywood marriages - those individuals have been nipped, tucked and botoxed to within an inch of their lives yet most of us have things in our fridge that last longer than their relationships.

And those boys who dumped you - would they have pulled their weight raising children, or been there when times get really difficult?

The grass always looks greener but what I'm trying to say is it's usually an illusion.

[CLKD]

It is what it is.

Listen to your husband Miss Sunshine?  He's stayed with you thus far?  Nowt wrong with a friendship, love takes many forms. Many of us get into a comfy routine which works.  If he dropped dead today how would you feel?  No need to share with us but your gut reaction will tell you how your marriage is.

Parents have a lot other answer for when raising families.  U R the middle 1 .......... so from having an elder sister who was 'adored' then suddenly you being the baby with fuss which was taken by the next arrival ........ there's a lot of psychology surrounding middle and 3rd/4th children.

We are all individuals and every child should be seen as precious and a gift. What parents often don't realise is that each child *is* an individual!  We all have different needs from the day we are born.  Parents tend to parent as they were treated and raised.  I can see this throughout my family; siblings, cousins, their children down the line.  It's all of a muchness as to how our fathers were brought up.

I learned to keep my head down in order not to encourage arguments in the house ....... later what I remember watching brought clarification in some respects as to the whys and wherefores.

Obviously the past cannot be altered. Tomorrow never arrives, it's always today.  We can guess the future but rarely with accuracy. 

MayB make a list of your good and bad problems; decide which you are able to improve upon and those issues that you can now ditch.  Sometimes we need to grieve 4 what might have been.  For example I am unable to go to the theatre, meet with friends at music events or have pets due to intense anxiety but DH and I have a life together as long as we don't plan too far ahead.

Acceptance has been difficult for me  .

[Miss Sunshine]

Thank you both so much.  I know life has been far from perfect for either of my sister's ( whom I adore by the way) but I agree, middle child 'syndrome' is definitely a thing!  My Auntie used to tell my Mum about it and my Mum just rolled her eyes.  She was a great mother but didn't have much time for that sort of thing.  Maybe it was why my Auntie favoured me. 

[CLKD]

Were U aware that she cared about you?

Rejection: I didn't answer because I've never felt truly rejected.  I've always known my own Worth and without anxiety, I could take on the World  .  I have had disappointments: not passing exams., not being able to travel due to anxiety, not having a view to enjoy ......... but I do have a good husband  , a supportive GP and I love our dentist  plus every day that I don't have anxiety is a bonus 

My younger sister was the golden girl - favoured by my Mum who I realised in more recent years has narccasitic behaviour  and I was the one to 'get' all the lies and stories because I was unable to prove otherwise. 

[DottyD68]

Miss Sunshine (I love your name - I have a Little Miss Sunshine mug  )

I'm sorry to hear you have doubts about yourself, but you must be doing something very right to be married to a loving husand for so long and to have 2 amazing children.

Personally I think that outward "beauty" is over-rated. Having worked with many glamorous, rich ladies I think it can become a bit of a curse in the longterm as they strive to maintain the quality that everyone labels them for. It must be incredibly stressful, time-consuming and expensive to maintain a flawless image all the time, especially as we age. Personal intrinsic characteristics are lifelong.

Personally I think we all have different qualities and skills and that is a good thing. Sadly, society doesn't focus so much on the other (non-beauty) qualities that people have, because it is fickle, but that doesn't mean they are less valuable. You sound like a lovely person. I would make a list of your qualities (ask people close to you if you can't easily identify them yourself) and focus on those and be proud of them.

"Don't compare yourself to others. There's no comparion between the sun and the moon - they both shine when it's their time" X

[Miss Sunshine]

Thank you x

[Miss Sunshine]

Were U aware that she cared about you?

Rejection: I didn't answer because I've never felt truly rejected.  I've always known my own Worth and without anxiety, I could take on the World  .  I have had disappointments: not passing exams., not being able to travel due to anxiety, not having a view to enjoy ......... but I do have a good husband  , a supportive GP and I love our dentist  plus every day that I don't have anxiety is a bonus 

My younger sister was the golden girl - favoured by my Mum who I realised in more recent years has narccasitic behaviour  and I was the one to 'get' all the lies and stories because I was unable to prove otherwise.

Yes I knew my Auntie favoured me.  I'd always get extra gifts at Christmas etc.  I always felt she knew I was different and found fitting in hard.  I've learnt to let things bounce off me better as I've gotten older but when I was younger every slight stung!  I held on to too many opinions for too long. 

[Miss Sunshine]

Miss Sunshine (I love your name - I have a Little Miss Sunshine mug  )

I'm sorry to hear you have doubts about yourself, but you must be doing something very right to be married to a loving husand for so long and to have 2 amazing children.

Personally I think that outward "beauty" is over-rated. Having worked with many glamorous, rich ladies I think it can become a bit of a curse in the longterm as they strive to maintain the quality that everyone labels them for. It must be incredibly stressful, time-consuming and expensive to maintain a flawless image all the time, especially as we age. Personal intrinsic characteristics are lifelong.

Personally I think we all have different qualities and skills and that is a good thing. Sadly, society doesn't focus so much on the other (non-beauty) qualities that people have, because it is fickle, but that doesn't mean they are less valuable. You sound like a lovely person. I would make a list of your qualities (ask people close to you if you can't easily identify them yourself) and focus on those and be proud of them.

"Don't compare yourself to others. There's no comparion between the sun and the moon - they both shine when it's their time" X

Thank you

I agree with the sentiment about clinging to youth and the looks that come with it.  Whilst I care about my appearance and wish I had the beautiful hair I had in my 20's, I've seen how hard it has been for my older sister to accept weight gain and aging hair and skin.  I've perhaps been a little more carefree about that.  I do hate menopausal weight gain though! 

[CLKD]

I can't work out why those issues that sting remain with us  and those enjoyable events seem to disappear 

[getting_old]

As the saying goes "looks are only skin deep" and what really matters is the person. Whilst I was attracted to OH, and boyfriends before him, it was their personalities that really mattered to me. Those people who dumped you did you a favour. You didn't waste your time with them hoping it would go further, and it meant you found your OH, who sounds like a lovely person.

It's the same with friends, plus I'm also an introvert, so I've never had a large group of friends. In recent years I made the decision to shrink the friends group further, preferring quality over quantity. As to being rejected, not sure if it's the same thing, but since my surgery I've had people stare at me, tell me I'm stupid, treat me like I'm an idiot, assume I need help to order food, and then, of course, there was the woman who ran away from me! People will be cruel and the only thing we can control is our reaction to them. We can let them hurt us or we can realise they are the ones who may well be stupid, etc and move on.

[CLKD]

Although we aren't responsible for how others act, people can be hurtful in words and actions !!

Whilst being raised I was told 'not to look' at any1 who was in any way different, where I wanted to know ! 

[getting_old]

Although we aren't responsible for how others act, people can be hurtful in words and actions !!

Of course, but they're not going to change how they behave, and by letting them hurt you you are giving them more power.

Whilst being raised I was told 'not to look' at any1 who was in any way different, where I wanted to know !

Surely it's more important to respect people's privacy instead of satisfying someone's curiosity?

[Miss Sunshine]

As the saying goes "looks are only skin deep" and what really matters is the person. Whilst I was attracted to OH, and boyfriends before him, it was their personalities that really mattered to me. Those people who dumped you did you a favour. You didn't waste your time with them hoping it would go further, and it meant you found your OH, who sounds like a lovely person.

It's the same with friends, plus I'm also an introvert, so I've never had a large group of friends. In recent years I made the decision to shrink the friends group further, preferring quality over quantity. As to being rejected, not sure if it's the same thing, but since my surgery I've had people stare at me, tell me I'm stupid, treat me like I'm an idiot, assume I need help to order food, and then, of course, there was the woman who ran away from me! People will be cruel and the only thing we can control is our reaction to them. We can let them hurt us or we can realise they are the ones who may well be stupid, etc and move on.

Thank you.  Gosh I'm so sorry people have been so horrible to you.  I hope they are in the minority x

[CLKD]

getting_old I agree - we can only be hurt whilst we allow people to hurt us

However: not being allowed to ask meant that I grew up ignorant of many problems that face others.  How to talk with those in wheelchairs rather than at them or via their carer for example.