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[Punkaninny]

My husband (38) and I (36) have been together for 8 years. We have a 5 year old son, and he's been the only father figure my 12 yo daughter has had since she was 4. I've been telling him from the very beginning that I needed to have the surgery done to remove my ovaries and fallopian tubes, due to my BRCA status, and prior breast cancer (Triple neg, stage 2 no node involvement, chemo and double mastectomy with reconstruction, cancer free for 10 years this upcoming March.) My paternal grandmother died of ovarian cancer at 39 yo, so I definitely didn't want to go against medical advice and refuse to have the surgery. They told me after my cancer treatment I needed to have it done when I turned 30 or was done with having children. A specialist in BRCA patients later told me I could wait until 35.

I've been telling my husband all along that this surgery would induce menopause, and tried my best to warn him about the side effects and what that might mean for him, especially regarding our sex life. Unfortunately, I was not myself aware of how significant the symptoms would be, and as a result, I was unprepared and thus unable to sufficiently prepare him.

I didn't mean to go on so long, sorry, I'll get to the main question. I've been unable as of yet to get any kind of HRT for my menopausal symptoms, and sex is now excruciatingly painful for me, in addition to the absolute lack of desire, no libido to speak of.

I've had conversations with my husband about it  . To his credit, he has tried to be understanding. His idea of being accommodating is only asking me for physical intimacy every couple weeks.

Am I unreasonable for wanting him  to stop entirely? I know he has needs, yes, but there are alternatives for him. I don't have another option, and I am not exaggerating about the amount of pain sex causes, it's severe, even with lubrication and every attempt at gentleness and slowness.

I had my surgery in March. We had sex approximately 2 weeks ago and now he's started asking me again. I'm doing everything I can to try to find a doctor who will work with me to get HRT, but it's not going well or quickly.

Any advice at all is appreciated, even if it's just telling me to take one for the team. I really don't want to damage our marriage any further, but I really don't want to be forced to have extremely painful intercourse every 2 weeks either.

Thanks in advance.

[sheila99]

The ones who are being unreasonable are the doctors denying you any form of treatment. Painful sex is just the start, there may come a time as it progresses when it's excruciatingly painful all the time. I think the sex issue is something you have to work out between yourselves (there are other ways  ) but the real answer is for it not be painful. Unfortunately we can't help with suggestions for doctors, are there any US forums you could ask on? You can't be the only one in this situation. Or take your next holiday somewhere you can buy it without prescription or see a local doctor?

[CLKD]

Your partner should be looking online with you to find appropriate treatment.  Do U have Medical Insurance cover?

Lots of lubrication, none penetration and  .  This is your body, regardless. 

Why can't you get treatment?  Vaginal atrophy - I may have said in another thread  - is different to other forms of replacement.  Have U looked at the various pharmacy/chemists/drug stores to C what is available over the counter?  Beginning with good moistorisors [sp] which won't replace oestrogen but will help with keeping the area less dry.   Lubricants?  Durex make them, KY Jelly etc.?

[Ayesha]

By any means possible you have to get topical oestrogen down there to start to have a normal sex life, you are too young to be suffering like this, you both are. That should be your main priority going forwards.

[bombsh3ll]

Absolutely you need treatment.

He should be doing his damnedest to help you get it, even if that means taking a second job.

But it is also unreasonable, abusive actually, for him to be demanding penetrative intercourse.

What if it were the other way round and he had a health issue that made sex impossible/very painful? Would you behave that way towards him?

I've had vaginal stenosis since my daughter's birth as a result of obstetric injury, so I cannot have intercourse. She was an IVF baby and we were both pig sick of sex anyway, but nonetheless my husband has never put pressure on me or expected me to have further surgeries or use painful dilators etc. He accepts me the way I am.

He needs to be more considerate, especially as your issue is reversible once you get treatment.

[joziel]

Whilst you get started with the systemic estrogen and begin the battle of getting the dosage right and high enough (be warned, this has taken me 4 years and I'm not quite there...), I really recommend you get some local treatment on board...

Local estrogen is perfectly safe for BC patients and there is also a great product called IntraRosa which many women really like because it contains DHEA which can be converted to testosterone locally in the vagina as well. (Which really helps in all ways down there.) If you're on Instagram, look up Dr Kelly Casperson, she is always making reels about testosterone and Intrarosa.

You should also begin systemic testosterone when you've got your estrogen up, that will also really help your sex life...

[Sphynx]

I thought that you could still use local HRTif you’ve had breast cancer, but I might be wrong. I think it would greatly help your symptoms.

[CLKD]

My GP didn't hesitate to prescribe VA treatment, my breast surgical intervention was in 1995.  Medication availability may be different State side.

[getting_old]

Absolutely you need treatment.

He should be doing his damnedest to help you get it, even if that means taking a second job.

But it is also unreasonable, abusive actually, for him to be demanding penetrative intercourse.

What if it were the other way round and he had a health issue that made sex impossible/very painful? Would you behave that way towards him?

I've had vaginal stenosis since my daughter's birth as a result of obstetric injury, so I cannot have intercourse. She was an IVF baby and we were both pig sick of sex anyway, but nonetheless my husband has never put pressure on me or expected me to have further surgeries or use painful dilators etc. He accepts me the way I am.

He needs to be more considerate, especially as your issue is reversible once you get treatment.

THIS!! It's not something you are choosing, but "Your Body Your Choice", and even if it's just because you don't fancy it, the same applies. If it were me, the more he pushed the more I'd be pushed away.