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[Bella247]

I’m mum to an only child.

I feel like I’ve always been very mentally fragile but having a child has kept me from falling into deep depression. I think this is because I have always forced myself to pretend to be ok for my daughter’s sake.

In three weeks my daughter is moving away to uni for the first time and I feel like I’m drowning. I feel anxious and so sad all the time and I’m terrified I’m not going to cope.

I have anxiety so I know I will be worried about her all the time. I also feel l this deep overwhelming sadness that my life will no longer have a purpose.

People keep telling me to keep busy and that I should take up a hobby but I don’t feel like that will be enough.

My daughter has no idea I feel like this. I won’t show her as I know going to uni is the right thing for her. She’s worked hard and it will teach her to be independent and I so want her to find the happiness I wasn’t able to find in life.

I feel like this stage of my life is just so hard. I’m already suffering physically and mentally thanks to the menopause and I’m not sure how I will cope with this.

I wonder if anyone else feels like this because I just feel so alone in it? Or if anyone has been through this do you have any words of reassurance or tips on how to cope?

[Dotty]

Hi this article might help you
https://www.byyoursidecounselling.co.uk/blog/empty-nest

I’ve been through it and it is hard 😢.

[CLKD]

It can B hard because your focus is disappearing.

Have U talked to your GP about an appropriate anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication?  U don't have to suffer symptoms on your own.


And whilst U don't want your daughter to feel tied to you, a weekly round up all be useful, she will be feeling nervous too.   My MinL said as we left her son at the station, "It's like the 1st day that I left him in school".  Up until then I hadn't thought of her feelings  so mayB a 'what I will miss today' is an opening discussion point.

[Meg]

Dear Bella

Know how you feel.  I too have only one son, my best friend and probably the centre of my life since he was born.  My husband died of cancer six years ago and without him I dont know how I would have managed.  A year ago he left home to live with his girlfriend and the empty nest has hit hard.  I am retired but try to get out every day for social interaction.  I have tried to keep up with friends and will try to join some local groups.  I have a couple of good neighbours but now that I have turned seventy I feel that the best years have gone. The menopause has wreaked havoc with me mentally and physically but I have managed to keep going and I am still having lots of symptoms now.  I wish you all the best.  Your daughter will be home for holidays but I know you cannot help but worry about her while she is away.  I hope you will find the strength to cope.

Best Wishes

Meg

[Jillyboo]

Bella and Meg it's hard isn't it? Watching our kids go off to Uni, or moving in with a new partner always leaves one with a sense of loss even though you're happy for them. Unexpectedly I felt a similar sense of loss when my granddaughter started school and I was no longer looking after her a couple of days a week. It's partly mourning the passing of time I think. We're getting older and our lives are getting smaller whereas theirs are just starting to expand and become exciting. I try to focus on the future and think positively about what it may hold that I might be included in rather than looking back.

Meg - the best regular mood enhancer I've found is taking part in over 60s gentle exercise classes a couple of times a week. I've found it really makes a difference. Bella as has been suggested don't hold back from consulting your doctor if you feel things are really getting on top of you.

[Mumto3]

I feel for you and can relate to what you say.  I have one son who left home for uni last year.  So part of my heart feels empty with him gone. My daughter will be leaving next year and I'm feeling bereft by the thought.  It's so good we've been brilliant Mums to get our children to this stage but yes doesn't it leave an empty hole in the heart when this stage happens.  I have a cat but am considering a little dog for when my daughter leaves, as the pets will allow me to carry on caring for a being.  I still want to express that motherly instinct.  We can still do that for our children when they leave home but having a physical being in the home still I think will help.

Do you have any pets?  If not, would you consider getting one?  This may help. x

PS I created a focus board for what I'd like in the future.  It's A1 (bought the card from a craft shop) and stuck pictures and words on there for what I wish for my future.  I look at it every day.  Would this help you too if you created your own focus board?  It helps us see there is lots of life around just being a Mum. x

[fiftyplus]

Hi Bella, I feel your pain

This is the 2nd year that my son has been living literally at the other side of the world.  He lived at home while at uni.

I was a total wreck before he left and not long after he left I actually had a physical pain in my heart one day for most of the day.

I have to say that for me it doesn't get any easier it is just something I have learned to live with.

I have to say whats app etc these days is brilliant so we do keep in contact as much as we can but there is a 8 hour time difference which at times is not ideal.

I do hope and pray that he will come back to the uk at some point but I do realise he is a young, confident, intelligent man who  has to and is finding his own way in life now - my friends say I have done a great job etc but I just want my boy back in the uk near home, and I do know if and when he does come back home it won't be forever as he has his own live to lead and live now.  Very, very hard to let go as parents but we have to once they reach being an adult and they do of course always comes back to us when they need us ...   

I do all the usual stuff, work, keep busy, meets friends and I do have a very active social life but I do still miss my boy ...

It is just another "change" at this time of life - take good care of and look after yourself x

[bombsh3ll]

I'm not at that stage yet but I'm interested in potentially becoming a foster carer after mine make their own way in the world.

It's something I've always wanted to do, my own parents fostered children and my husband and I tried to adopt before going down the IVF route so I learned quite a bit about it.

There are children of all ages, single child and sibling groups and a desperate shortage of foster carers.

It's something you can do temporarily or short term eg respite so it isn't like making a permanent commitment and can be a great way to use your parenting skills.

Not for everyone but an option that I think more people would be interested in if they knew.

[Jillyboo]

Fostering's great but it would need to be embarked upon for the sake of helping a child or young person not as a means of filling a void in one's own life if you get my drift. It may end up doing both of course!

If you've already started to think about it bombsh3ll then you sound like the sort of person who has exactly the right motivation. There is always a need for more foster carers.

[Sphynx]

Bella, Now would be a good time to refer yourself for some help. Therapy might be the place to start. Also schedule a chat with your GP about how you feel, as it seems your mood hasn’t been good before this situation.
Sorry if this sounds blunt (I’m autistic), but your daughter should not be what feels like your purpose in life. You are a brilliant mum, but you are also a person, and I think you may have lost sight of that. Being menopausal will only add to this. You deserve to be happy and secure, whether your daughter is home or not.
Having children leave home is very hard. Most people don’t realise until it happens. I was beside myself before, during and after, and the worry was surreal.
Naturally you are feeling this worry and anxiety now.
The first part of coping, is to accept what’s coming. You know how capable your daughter is, because you taught her to be, so you know she is going to be OK whether you worry or not. I would suggest making plans to meet up with her, so you have that in the diary to look forward to. Try and make some plans with friends or family to keep you socially active, and know that you will be able to call and text and video chat your daughter regularly. Getting out into the fresh air will help, so brisk walks and regular workouts can boost your mood.
Lastly, do what you need to do. If you want to cry, do that. Mope. It’s allowed and encouraged to help you navigate the strong emotions and upheaval. I don’t need to tell you about my situation, but just know that things will definitely get easier and less painful, and you will cope. There’s no time limit, so process things as long as you feel the need to.

[Jillyboo]

It's a fact of life that the better the job we've done in bringing up our kids to be strong, independent adults, the more likely they are to up sticks and move away from us!