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[Nick34]

Don’t know how to deal with this ! And it’s bringing me so down every day

Suffered anxiety/depression on & off since early 20’s mainly life changes

But since menopause it seems constant
Some better times but still I don’t feel happy (have I ever been happy!)
I’m quite a serious person really which I think anxiety has as not helped

Thing that’s pissing me of recently and seems to be getting worse is
Dp is quite good at getting up early, where as me I’ve never been a morning person even in my teens hated getting up and starting the day.
It would take a good while to bring myself round to start chatting.
Anyway, every morning now we’re retired he brings me a coffee up . Great 👍
But I get all what’s been happening in the street, the bad news on tv and how he’s feeling that day to what do we want for tea that day because he’s going to the shop
It infuriates me, I haven’t even opened my eyes properly and he starts
I find myself saying under my breath now
F… off
Round about 10 ready to go to shops and I have to have an idea what’s needed
He’s very routine , so if we had curry one Monday he thinks we have it every Monday !
So he makes the lists, if I say No we’ll have something else it’s what do you want then. I know he’s trying to help
But at 10am or earlier I sometimes don’t know what I fancy for tea or even lunch
He will  still go to shops as he does everyday !
So I have to go again later that day
He won’t even wait till later because he has to go out in the morning, very rare he doesn’t unless he’s doing something for himself.

I’m finding this morning routine is having a massive affect on me , so much so it’s become bloody routine for me
I dread it

Is it me being a miserable, angry woman
Or him and he’s bloody routine that he will Not change .
I have mentioned it to him
Can you just leave me to wake up
but it thrown get back in my face
“Can’t even talk to you in the morning “

How do I get passed this in order to not let this get me depressed and furled with adrenaline

[CLKD]

 .  You're being an angry miserable woman - Join the Club!  As I aged I found that I take less crap.   

Anything that gets 2 B routine may grate. U may find yourself listening for each issues as it arises at the same time .....   It's time to sit down in the afternoon and put points across.

ask him   ?? why do you need such a routine in the morning ??     it may be to keep his stress levels even by being in control and knowing where he will be

?? I need to take my time in the morning so need U to leave me to 'come round'.  Otherwise I may get more grumpy than I appear !  ??  everyone is allowed 1 warning ;-)

?? make a list of what is required from the shop ??   Think about what it is that you need to buy in the afternoon, R U able to add it to his list?  Or mayB do 1 afternoon shop each week?





Your OH may see himself as trying to help,       mayB sit down together in the evening to plan the next day?  For example we don't decide what to eat until 20 mins. B4 each meal time.  DH cooks batches of curry for example and has lots of veg to hand if we fancy a stir fry with defrosted cubed chicken pieces. 

Whereas I like a routine and then do stuff spontaneously otherwise my anxiety spirals out of control.  Fast 

[Nick34]

I think he’s a bit ocd or maybe autistic??

He says everyone has a routine (and I suppose we do) but not to the extent as
“I usually do this first or at that time !
My morning routine is similar as I have  2 coffees before moving out of bed
That’s enough for me to come round
but not too a load of questions or crap talk . It gets to him why I’m not ready to go out till 10.30-11pm but he hasn’t got anxiety issues


Definitely is a person of timing/routine
He’s walked round the block after his shower every night for last 12 yrs
Will go in snow,
Most of his day is virtual timed
8-8-30 coffee , shower & dressed
10 ish - shop
11.45-12.30 lunch
He’s in kitchen at 4.30pm getting tea prepared if he’s hungry
Letting me know it’s tea time
6.30pm shower after kitchen cleaned
7pm walk
11-11.15 pm bed
Probably is to keep stress levels down

He very much likes to plan , I’m the opposite especially with high anxiety & panic oh and mood

He HAS to get out the house everyday !
and I don’t mean in the garden
Where as I can plod around the house/garden/outside and find things to do.
He definitely not type to start a project

Yesterday I had to go to shops in the afternoon for tea. Came back with a roast joint .
What you bought all that messing around stuff for 😡
The beef does itself !
bit  peeling veg /potatoes


You don’t know what people are like till you live with them 🤦‍♀️
I just feel I’m moaning because he’s either sat there on mobile and leaves me to it (which I have to ask help please)
Aghh I need to calm down it’s not helping me one bit

[sheila99]

It's a big change when you're together all day every day. It's why the divorce rates go up after holidays and Christmas! Can you encourage him to take up a hobby that gets him out of the house without you? Early morning bike ride or run? He needs something to fill at least some of the hours that hd used to work. If you get desperate buy him a farm, it keeps my OH  out of the way in the mornings  .

[Nick34]

It bloody is hard, I think it’s just hit me
Either that or he’s grating on my nerves 😡

Because he’s so routine !
He does have a bike but I’ve only know him to go out around 11ish a handful of times when he’s been walking the wall because there’s nothing needed from tge shops.
He costs us a fortune going every day I’m sure , but there’s no telling him I’ll get
Well what have I come back with that we don’t need. Will never do a big shop as he won’t push a trolley!!
Running - he’s done it in younger years
5/10k a day . It has to be all it nothing
Motor bike - has one but wil only go in it
Maybe Sat or Sun
Tennis - still goes but will only play with good level players ! Usual Sat afternoon & recent weeks on Monday
Volunteers - motorcycle in season on Mon night

But all these hobbies I get in-depth reports !

A farm - That would be hell for him
Hates - cleaning thinks hoovering is cleaning

[CLKD]

How long have U been sharing all day together?

He seems set in his ways which mayB a way of keeping anxiety levels low.  Old habits really do die hard!

Time for separate rooms ;-)?  So that he doesn't make any contact until you emerge?

I get the in-depth reports too - I must be boring 'cos    ......... and I can't stay looking like I'm listening !

Do U feel that U have been living separate lives for a long time?  What do U like to do? 

What were your professions years ago?

[Nick34]

About 12 yrs all day together.
I finished work early due to chronic anxiety.

I’d have to have the smaller bedroom and his indoor exercise bike is in there which he said he would sell ??
He one for not getting rid of things
Letters, receipts,labels , magazines
But, yes may come to separate rooms
He probably make noise to get me up
Up & down the stairs.

Whenever we do go out, he only comes to get a coffee. Got that way now , I go looking round he goes to cafe
It gets a bit boring knowing he just wants a coffee

I like going out doing things in the garden
(Not a gardener) but like it to look nice & tidy
I’ll do diy, although he stops me from doing things, as he will say
There’s nothing wrong with it
I go swimming
I go 2 separate craft groups
I can look at things in the house and think I’ll do that (paint, clean etc) and probably do a lot more
But then think (it’s always me doing it) and he just goes out for a coffee or bike ride

I was in admin
He was inland venue manager

I’m digging too Deep with things that are pissing me off about him, it’s not really helping with my mood & anger 😡
I’m getting out of the way tomorrow for a break from him

[paisley]

Have you tried switching off in the morning when all he does is want to talk. It takes practice but I have become quite good at it. When he is moaning or talking & I don’t feel like listening i go to another place in my head. It’s normally a nice peaceful place & I try not to let anyone else in.

[Sphynx]

I don’t think you are miserable. I think your relationship has taken its toll in you. As soon as I read your post I thought ‘he’s autistic’. While you can’t change this, you can try and deal with things differently. He’ll always need his routine. It’s how he needs to function. However, you need to be very frank with him in what you will and won’t do. If he wants curry for tea, he can have it, but you will eat what you fancy. If he must go to the shop first thing, let him go, and you buy your bits when you feel like it, or shop for yourself for the week. Small changes might make the world of difference to your day to day living, but you need to pay some attention to this relationship. I don’t know your situation, but perhaps the relationship has run its course. How do you feel about him generally? Do you like spending time with him? Does he make you smile when you think about him? Can you ever see him changing? Do you feel valued and wanted?
While you consider this, perhaps think about talking therapy or chatting with your GP to check your mood and see if they can offer any advice. You can’t keep going on like this, not should you assume it’s just menopause.

[suzysunday]

I really sympathise with you Nick.  Being with someone all the time is hard and plain bloody boring a lot.  You need time apart sometimes, whatever problems your partner has.  I feel the same with my partner a lot lately.  Same, same bloody same like life is passing you by.  It's hard to advise as I can't even help myself. Just wanted to let you know you aren't on your own feeling like you do.