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[lilbebel]

Hello friends, I’m wondering what other brave ladies do when going through a very difficult menopause and facing the possibility of family visiting from overseas. I’m newly postmenopausal. My last period was 16 months ago. I am experiencing a severe and debilitating menopause. HRT has helped my physical symptoms very well, but my mood is very fragile. Emotional lability, tearfulness, depression, crippling, anxiety, difficulty concentrating and so on. I am doing my best every day as I know we all are and there are days where I find it hard to function. I don’t let most people know about this. I am the kind of person who likes to quietly dig deep to find strength to get through things. In immediate family members said they wanted to come and visit and this is causing me acute anxiety because it means I will have to be honest about what I’m going through in order that they have the freedom to make an informed decision whether to come or not.

I’m not able to shower some days let alone be a hostess and entertain and be a tour guide. I would like to know how other women navigate these situations.

I spoke with my therapist, and she said that even though I am private, and I like to keep things to myself, she said in this case I don’t really have a choice but to be honest. To keep things simple and not go into too much detail, but to be honest that I’m really struggling and not in a good place. My question is how do you all share with others? How do you decide how much to share with particular people, especially if you know they won’t be particularly understanding or supportive? How do you protect your health and well-being at such a vulnerable and devastating time? Thank you so much for your input and for having the courage to share your story.

[discogirl]

Hi lilbebel,

I'm about 4 yrs post meno and I too am experiencing a debilitating menopause, this started last February and I started hrt last august. My worst symptoms, were insomnia and chronic anxiety.

I have learned to be selfish and I do understand that there are times when quietly working your way through things may work, however with family coming to stay I do agree with your therapist and say that you probably will need to be honest with them about how things are with you.

Like many women, I am now a completely different woman, the woman I used to be, in a way died last february. I am learning to adapt to the new me, its a process and it is difficult sometimes.

So if family members are needing to come and stay with me, then they have to accept what I'm going through as well.

I hope things work out and take care xxx

[SarahT]

discogirl  you on this so well. I too feel part of me has died.

I do not tell many people the extent of my continuing struggles. In the last I have been met with many  blank looks and even eye rolling. These people now I simply say, I am not well today. I do not need to justify myself  to them anymore.

 This forum, apart from my husband, gives me my support, even if I am peri, not postmenopausal every day is hard.

I was honest with a friend who I do some work for, and has some health problems of her own,and we both know when neither of us may be up for talking or even seeing each other. We respect those bad teary days when we need to be alone.

Lilbebel,  I do feel you will need to speak with your family prior to them arriving. I am not sure just how much detail you should feel you need to give. If it were me I would be frank with them.  say that you are having a lot of health issues that can effect you  both physically and mentally ( hope you don't mind this phrase? It is the one I choose for myself).
 Perhaps say you will love to see them but there may be days that you just will not be well enough to see them.

 Discogirl is right in my thoughts. I don't want what I am going through, but it's what I have. My friends and family have to accept some days I just cannot be  the person they ( or I ) want to be.

be honest, give as much or as few details you feel comfortable with. If they push,can you not say, that you are not comfortable giving full details, that it is  personal and debilitating and is a long term problem.

Make sure you have some ' you time ' if it all gets too much, a quiet space, a walk, a bath whatever to try to help with anxiety.

I wish you well

[lilbebel]

Thank you so much to both of you for the kind supportive words. I’m so sorry you’re going through such a difficult experience too. It’s undescribable how awful this is, truly. I don’t know who I am anymore. A little ghost of a creature. I really value and appreciate your thoughts, and I agree with you both. I will, I think, have to “out myself“ so to speak. I will try to give minimal details and they may decide not to come and stay as it’s not easy being around someone who is struggling this badly. I feel so guilty but what else can I do? I know any woman in this situation is a hero for showing up every day and keeping on going. It is simply not possible to fake my way through this, especially if someone is staying in my home. I may be able to slap on a smile and hide it for an hour or two in public, but for several days or weeks, no way. They will have to be comfortable with sobbing, panic attacks, depression. I just can’t believe this is my life now.

[CLKD]

From an early age women are 'taught' to justify ourselves.  Into our teens it really matters what we wear, who are peer group is, how up2date with the music scene we are ...... it all seemed so important then.

Many years ago I learned to say 'no'.  It did become easier!  In the 1990s I was crippled with anxiety and couldn't leave the house.  Not many people phoned to see how my husband was coping  nor how I was feeling.  Some moved 'on' ......... my C.mas card list halved in about 4 months!

Now if any1 asks me to i.e. cat sit, I tell them that yes, but I need a back up on an 'in case' basis: hospital admission, Mother being in care, a heavy cold ........ I. no longer think that 'they' need to know everything about me .  Mum used to consider that, even after we married and moved to another country, that she 'knew' all about me!  Nope.  When I had breast surgery and radiation treatment that June, my parents weren't told until the November. 

We no longer entertain due to my anxiety: also we've done all that!

How often would we tell others when we change of bedding?  I feel it's the same as how able we are on a day2day basis.  Real friends will understand, especially if we use the proviso 'if I feel able I will ......... but do carry on if I don't turn up'.

This too will pass.  This is the time of life when we do for ourselves ;-).   Drop the guilt, others shouldn't be relying on us to entertain them! 

This is your life today but it will pass.  When I was ill I never believed that I would be able to get into the garden, leave alone walk my dog or go on holiday.  Make sure that you eat well, keep hydrated and sleep when you are able to do so.  I have a drawer full of 'fixed grins' 

[DottyD68]

Hi lilbebel,

Thank you for being so open and honest about a subject that many women feel / experience but don't feel comfortable talking about.

We have recently had a few overninight visits from different friends and family. It is lovely to catch up with people but I have found that I am totally exhausted after a full on day/late night constant chatting / entertaining followed by a 3 hour breakfast doing the same the next day. It literally takes me 2 days to recover afterwards and I seriously wonder what is wrong with me.

I am now beginning to learn to manage it a bit better by not over-extending my social activity and by trying to set expectations with visitors. I think you most definitely have to have those conversations beforehand. However if my experience is anything to go by, they won't really take it in anyway (unless they are going through a similar thing themselves) and you may get a lot of blank looks. But you need to have a set of visitor "guidelines" especially for people staying more than one night.

Is there any way they can stay in nearby accommo and meet up with you rather than staying with you the whole time?

If I don't really want to go into explanation-mode I tell people I'm not very good company at the moment. I find that takes the onus of "It's me not you" and most people don't enquire any further.

I hope you find a strategy that helps you enjoy having your visitors. Be kind to yourself  X

[lilbebel]

CLKD thank you for being so honest and open about your experience. I feel so validated right now. i’m so sorry that you lived with this awfulness too . My anxiety had me housebound a year ago for a couple of minutes. I couldn’t get off the floor. I was so incapacitated without another symptoms of perimenopause. I’m now able to leave the house but I’m fragile. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I’m touched that you understood the sense of guilt that we can experience on top of the crippling anxiety and mental health issues. I feel like I still have to be nice for everyone and hide what I’m going through while I’m falling apart on the inside. It’s becoming untenable. I think that somehow I need to learn to say no and not beat myself up with guilt. No women going through this has chosen it. We didn’t ask for it and we are doing our best to survive it.

DottyD68 I can very much relate to your experience of feeling exhausted after socialising. We had a family event a week ago and it went well, but I was utterly shattered for two days afterwards. So even if I can find the stamina to do an event one day, it’s simply not there for consecutive days. I totally understand. And I agree that many people are just not open to actively listening and trying to understand when you explain. I’m trying to think a way of framing it so that it doesn’t sound blunt or dismissive, but is also clear. I don’t mind sharing with those that I know will be supportive and sympathetic, but those are few and far between.

[lilbebel]

Hello everyone, I just wanted to give you an update. I followed your advice and told my family member that I was having a really tough menopause. I kept it light and said that it’s something that is beyond my control and I don’t know how I’m going to be from one day to the next and then it’s hard for me to make commitments at the moment. I received a very supportive and reassuring reply. My family member is a woman and she told me that I can always be honest about my menopausal experience, and that it’s typically a very difficult time for most women. She was very understanding and told me to not worry, and that she wouldn’t expect me to take care of her or entertain her, and that she’s quite comfortable being independent if I’m not feeling well. I’m so incredibly happy that I spoke up and was honest and I never had any control over the other person’s response. We never do in life. But this couldn’t have gone better. Thank you all for giving me the courage to be honest. Sweet relief!

[discogirl]

I'm so very pleased for you.

Well done on opening up about it as i know its not easy xxx

[Flossieteacake]

What a wonderful update! I am so happy for you.

[CLKD]

That's great news!  When people do visit I make the first cuppa then show them where everything is stored: it's then up to them ;-).

[SarahT]

Oh that's a wonderful outcome, I know how hard it must have been for you. It difficult to take that first step, but you have a good ally in your family to support you.
X

[DottyD68]

Well done lilbebel. I bet you feel so relieved having had that discussion. Now the pressure is off and hopefully you can enjoy the visit in that knowledge. One of my mantras is "nothing is as good or as bad as you expect it to be". Hope you have a good weekend.

[lilbebel]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement and support. I’m grateful to you all. I hope you have a lovely weekend.