Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[EllieJ]

How sad that the only place I can talk about my breaking heart is online with strangers. I can't talk about it with my family, but I know that if anyone was going to understand, I might find them here.

Why does Mother Nature time the sh** that is menopause to coincide pretty much exactly with our children leaving home?

I have three kids, big age gaps - eldest was 13 and middle child 9 when our surprise but much loved third arrived. It broke my heart when the first two left home, but at least I still had my youngest. She and I developed such a close bond, more like best friends than mother and daughter. For the past couple of years she has been very poorly and in and out of hospital. I've spent hours by her bedside, taking her to and from appointments and looking after her and this, along with the fact that when her sister (middle child) left home she was like an only child, is why we are so close. With the correct medication finally being sorted last year (thank Heavens!) she's now at University and has grown into an independent, confident strong young woman. I am so proud of her, but at the same time I am utterly heartbroken. Where she used to share everything with me and while we are still close, I'm now very much aware that I am no longer on the list of people with whom she shares all the excitements and adventures of her life. She used to confide in me about everything. Of course I can't say anything to her and I won't, she's an adult, she is entitled to her privacy and I absolutely don't want to be painted as an interfering mother because I'd hate to damage our relationship. I know I need to step back now and let her find her own way. Its just that, while I miss all three of them, I miss her so very, very much, I really feel like I've lost a piece of me.

It really stinks that people like me aren't allowed to admit to society that we feel this way. As a mum we love these kids, raise them, give our lives to them and then one day we must just wave them off and see other people quickly replace us in their affections. I'm not allowed to wallow in self pity. It's frowned upon if I am a bit clingy (rolling eyeballs when I ask my eldest for a hug  ). Now with the youngest I am not allowed to ask her things that a couple of years back we giggled and cried about together all the time and I miss this closeness.

I am told I have to be proud of them fleeing the nest, to congratulate myself on a 'job well done' and I am very proud of them all. But it hurts so much. Don't get me wrong we are a close family, we speak to our kids regularly and get together often and I know there are so many parents out there who aren't close with their children or, worse still, have lost children. I understand why some people will have no patience with my feelings, but I can't help feeling sad. The youngest leaving home is the newest scar and hurts the most.

I am self employed and work alone from home, I don't have many friends. I know I need to find myself new hobbies, I know I need to now concentrate on 'me' and 'my life' I've been told this so many times recently but its not easy when for 33 years I've always been 'mum' to someone at home. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I like, I have no hobbies. Its like I went to sleep as a 22 year old and woke up as a 55 year old totally lost.

Anyway - that's me. Not really sure why I've posted, just to see if anyone can relate I guess. Before anyone thinks it and although it does sound like it I'm not depressed (honestly!) I'm just sad. I have a wonderful family, great husband and kids I am just really struggling with this 'next stage' in my life which I feel totally unprepared for.

Thanks for reading.

[SarahT]

Oh Ellie,
You have made me cry for you. I am not a mum, through choice but I adore the children within our family. Whilst this is something  I cannot truly identify with your life, I feel for you.
You surely have the right to feel sad. You sound a beautiful mum, loving and caring -  the  most important things you can give to any living being.

The menopause is sometimes all encompassing, I often feel I have lost 'me' and I need time to accept this new version of me.
You are a wife, a mum a worker, but you are also you. What huge adjustments you are facing, physically and emotionally.

I don't have a magic wand or the experience to give you advice ,but  be able to send love to you.
I know there will be women in this forum who understand what you feel.

Please just be kind to yourself, I imagine having such a bond with your last child and to now have her leave must be a kind of grieving?

Take good care of yourself. Take time, You a wonderful person in your own right too.
Xx

[Flossieteacake]

Ellie I am so sorry you are heartbroken over your children moving out but I can totally understand why.

To have had your youngest child poorly meant she may have needed you even more then your other children did when they were the same age. You were together all the time and it sounds like you had so much fun being together.

I did not realise parents in your situation were made to feel they cannot talk about missing their children when they move out. I would have thought other parents would be the very people who understood. I do not have children myself but if I did then I too would be heartbroken when they moved out.

It is like your identity has changed so you are bound to feel lost. It is nice to know your children are happy and confident but it is also nice to want to feel needed. Your children sound like they may be busy right now and that is hard for you. I agree with Sarah like you are grieving. It is a big change for you and to add to that meno. It is such a lot to have to contend with.

[littleminnie]

Hi Ellie, empty nest syndrome is very common and takes a long time to get used to.  But, it does get easier and eventually you do adjust.  If they are all living independently it means you have done a cracking job of bringing them up.  X

[CLKD]

You are grieving.  So go with those feelings.

When going away on my first holiday abroad on a school trip, I never thought how. my parents felt: Until I saw my Dad sobbing as the coach drove away ........ I was visiting places that he had loved in France and Switzerland but that he could no longer go to due to work and anxiety.

When I left 'home' I never gave a thought to how my parents felt!  I was glad to get away, with the man that I still love.  Mum told everyone that "I gave them wings to fly".   . She was teaching at the time so had children to keep her occupied.   She also made a photo album for each of us from early years ........

Can U remember how you felt when you left home?  How your family might have felt?  Normal to flee and not look back ;-)

As long as your children and husband know that you are 'there' at this moment it's all you can ask for.  How does your husband feel?

[EllieJ]

Can U remember how you felt when you left home?  How your family might have felt?  Normal to flee and not look back ;-)

As long as your children and husband know that you are 'there' at this moment it's all you can ask for.  How does your husband feel?

You are right, I was happy to leave home (although there are elements of my childhood I was escaping from so it was a little different). I think what I experienced during my own childhood probably has made waving my own children off more difficult. Hubby is wonderful, but he doesn't feel what I do. He is so excited for the two of us to move on now the nest is empty, he's a wonderful dad and very close to his kids but quite happy to be there as and when needed for them whilst not having them under our roof anymore. That's how I wish I could be really!

[CLKD]

Give yourself time. This too will pass!  Do U worry about them having an accident or similar whilst away  ? 

I remember when MinL and I drove away from leaving my then boyfriend at the station to his first Term in Uni., she said "It feels like it did when I left him at the School Gate when he was 5".  I hadn't considered her feelings at all   

[EllieJ]

Give yourself time. This too will pass!  Do U worry about them having an accident or similar whilst away  ? 

Yes I do worry - more about their health. My eldest has a severe nut allergy so needs an epipen with him constantly and, being a bloke, he often forgets to take it with him. And then youngest with her illness, plus the drugs with horrible side effects she needs because of it, always have me worried

I'll get there one day no doubt. Can anyone else on here associate with empty nest syndrome I wonder?

[Dierdre]

I felt it when my three all finally got married and left home. I was working full time so that kept me busy as I'm divorced so was alone. The best is yet to come though EllieJ, in a few years your home will be full of grandchildren with new bonds to be made. I have six aged 14 to 10 months and making stronger bonds everyday.

[getting_old]

I don't have kids so can't relate directly, however I think it's sad that you feel you can't tell people that you're missing your kids. Honestly if you were a friend of mine I'd not only expect you to feel that way, but also be happy for you to talk to me about it.

[Stella2]

Hello Ellie,
I also don't have kids but my friend is in similar situation with very similar feelings and please don't feel that you are alone or that what you are feeling is not normal. It seems that men often do not feel like this but women do! It's good to talk about it.  Sending you hugs

[Chocolatemilkshake]

How sad that the only place I can talk about my breaking heart is online with strangers. I can't talk about it with my family, but I know that if anyone was going to understand, I might find them here.

Why does Mother Nature time the sh** that is menopause to coincide pretty much exactly with our children leaving home?

I have three kids, big age gaps - eldest was 13 and middle child 9 when our surprise but much loved third arrived. It broke my heart when the first two left home, but at least I still had my youngest. She and I developed such a close bond, more like best friends than mother and daughter. For the past couple of years she has been very poorly and in and out of hospital. I've spent hours by her bedside, taking her to and from appointments and looking after her and this, along with the fact that when her sister (middle child) left home she was like an only child, is why we are so close. With the correct medication finally being sorted last year (thank Heavens!) she's now at University and has grown into an independent, confident strong young woman. I am so proud of her, but at the same time I am utterly heartbroken. Where she used to share everything with me and while we are still close, I'm now very much aware that I am no longer on the list of people with whom she shares all the excitements and adventures of her life. She used to confide in me about everything. Of course I can't say anything to her and I won't, she's an adult, she is entitled to her privacy and I absolutely don't want to be painted as an interfering mother because I'd hate to damage our relationship. I know I need to step back now and let her find her own way. Its just that, while I miss all three of them, I miss her so very, very much, I really feel like I've lost a piece of me.

It really stinks that people like me aren't allowed to admit to society that we feel this way. As a mum we love these kids, raise them, give our lives to them and then one day we must just wave them off and see other people quickly replace us in their affections. I'm not allowed to wallow in self pity. It's frowned upon if I am a bit clingy (rolling eyeballs when I ask my eldest for a hug  ). Now with the youngest I am not allowed to ask her things that a couple of years back we giggled and cried about together all the time and I miss this closeness.

I am told I have to be proud of them fleeing the nest, to congratulate myself on a 'job well done' and I am very proud of them all. But it hurts so much. Don't get me wrong we are a close family, we speak to our kids regularly and get together often and I know there are so many parents out there who aren't close with their children or, worse still, have lost children. I understand why some people will have no patience with my feelings, but I can't help feeling sad. The youngest leaving home is the newest scar and hurts the most.

I am self employed and work alone from home, I don't have many friends. I know I need to find myself new hobbies, I know I need to now concentrate on 'me' and 'my life' I've been told this so many times recently but its not easy when for 33 years I've always been 'mum' to someone at home. I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know what I like, I have no hobbies. Its like I went to sleep as a 22 year old and woke up as a 55 year old totally lost.

Anyway - that's me. Not really sure why I've posted, just to see if anyone can relate I guess. Before anyone thinks it and although it does sound like it I'm not depressed (honestly!) I'm just sad. I have a wonderful family, great husband and kids I am just really struggling with this 'next stage' in my life which I feel totally unprepared for.

Thanks for reading.

Oh my I feel for you. It's so so very difficult.  And as you say noone understands or has patience with this pain. I hope you are getting on OK, well at least , as well as you can.

I'm really really struggling too with this... I saw one of my daughters for about an hour this week...not seen her in 5 months... and even though I tried my best not to fuss I still got told off when I asked for a hug and said I'd missed her.

I know she's getting on with her life, and , yes that's what was the goal if you like of motherhood is... but oh gosh it hurst so much 😭 😭😭.
I've tried to engage with friends and hobbies but it's not helping me... all this love in me has nowhere to go💔

Sending you love and understanding ❤.

[AKatieD]

I feel exactly the same. Spent 30 years loving bringing up 4 and now they have all left home I am bereft. Partner died in January too so even worse now. Sorry can't help but agree it is awful.

[DDug]

I have been reading this post from a while back and am really struggling with low mood, most of the cause is tied to my son having moved out 3,5 years ago and something I never really have recovered from.
I see him once every few weeks, message daily on WhatsApp and on days his girlfriend is not with him he calls but it is that feeling that I have no purpose without him, rejection I'm that I am the one who had to travel to see him and on his terms that makes me feel used and rejected.
To give contect we arrived in the UK almost 13 years ago, 2 months later my husband died, my son was 16.  He went through a mental health crisis and I seen him through that and uni.  He met his girlfriend in 2019 and ever since then has pushed me away.
Has anyone had to overcome this hurt and how?

[Taz2]

Hi DDug.  I understand how you feel but are you sure he is pushing you away and not  just getting on with his life? This is what you have enabled him to achieve from all of the care and support you gave him during his mental health crisis and during his growing up years. It's what parenting is all about really. It may help if you look at the alternative? Having him home with no job prospects and no relationships but there with you. What would happen to him when you are no longer around? Yes, of course you feel devastated that you are no longer as close as you were but I feel you should pat yourself on the back for a job well done. It is very difficult of course. One of my sons has moved permanently abroad over the last few months. For him I am really pleased but for me I am very sad and miss our weekly meet ups for chocolate eclairs and gossip!

Three years is a long time for you to feel like this. I hear from my sons sporadically - WhatsApp is our main method of communication too. One of mine used to call me when he was on his way home from work but now he works from home I don't get the calls. They are all mostly doing something else at the same time when they do call!

You have done an excellent job at bringing him up and seeing him through some very tough times. It is time for you now but I know how difficult it can be to find out who "you" are! I moved away from my parents when I married - it was only 200 miles but we hadn't even got a phone in those days so had to write once a week. My mum was all encouraging and happy for me but it's only now I am older that I appreciate how hard it was for her. She said in later years that parenting is the only job where, if you've done your job well, you actually feel that you've done yourself out of that job! She had a point.

I hope I don't sound harsh but I believe that your son needs to be a part of your overall life now and not the whole of it. If you would like to share more why not post on the Private Lives section where others may feel more able to support you with their own stories.

Can you do anything to lift your low mood? I wonder if some sort of counselling might help or even an anti depressant for a short time. This is your time now and you should be able to enjoy it. Have you any hobbies or friends you see who are aware of how you are feeling?

Taz x