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[Padine]

 Sorry, I can't find my previous post entitled "Loveless marriage" but Mr P will soon be in from digging his garden and I need to ask help with this asap. We had a huge falling-out yesterday and he said things too personal to repeat but something has snapped in me and I realise I don't like him any more. I know some readers will say Covid brings out the worst in couples etc...etc... and I get that but his behaviour this morning has made me feel I want as much space away from him as possible. I'm not sure if I should move into our spare room - it's smaller, no bathroom and no heating till I turn the radiator on (it will go on full blast) but there's peace there and I can read for as long as I want to, get up when I want to and no whisky fumes.

Here he comes, thanks xx

[Dougalina]

Hi Padine

I’m so sorry to hear how unhappy you are. I too had a similar moment in my marriage. My ex was horrible, and after one especially nasty outburst from him, I thought,
“Not one more day”

I removed myself to another part of the house, and it felt like a huge Boulder had been lifted from my shoulders. I never regretted my decision, life improved dramatically for me after that.


I hope you are okay , just do what’s right for you

D xx

[CLKD]

Do it and see how you feel? 

You are worth more than 'words' which can sting!  People do get into habits with arguments, the same issues get raised and never solved.

[jaypo]

I did the same with my ex,totally separate lives but it's not a great way to live and we still argued all the time,he came home from work,ate,went up to his room while I stayed downstairs,then separate beds,it wasn't great but I couldn't stand him and couldn't bear to be in the same room as him,so I do know how you feel,you need out Padine,living like that is horrendous

[Padine]

I feel it’s all my fault and I’m a lazy person. I don’t Hoover every day, he’s always up first and blames me for him “having to lie awake till 8.15 so as do what he’s told by not getting up to early. He didn’t/won’t listen to me about the menopause, came to the GP last year to ask about the various pills I’m on (statin, HRT, beta blockers, meds for trigeminal neuralgia, tramadol (at the time, no longer now) he calls them drugs as they do make me sleepy. GP was. gem saying I need that amount and am bound to feel drowsy with them.
Just been accused of leaving pans soaking in the sink for days (it’s dirty pans with the usual food deposits after a meal, soaking for van hour or more) then putting them on the radiator to dry for days (electrical items like the blender, bread machine pan overnights) He has tried to talk this afternoon, but he was twisting things, accusing me of doing very little, being lazy as I refuse to go for a walk with him. Thanks for listening xx

[sheila99]

Life is far too short to hoover every day! And if he doesn't like to a pan soaking is there any reason he can't wash it himself? You sound fed up with it all. When you don't feel well sometimes it's just too much effort. How does he feel about the marriage? Is he prepared to make some changes so you can both be happy? Perhaps you should take financial advice so you know where you stand if you split. Also investigate counselling. It might help you come to a decision one way or the other. Living in the same house but not as a couple is unlikely to be a good solution.

[CLKD]

Marriage should be a partnership where 1 takes up the slack if necessary or accepts that things aren't done every day?  I put metal items on the radiators to dry, sometimes for days  .  We both wash up .......... we both hoover.  But it isn't essential 2 our daily happiness if there are things we would rather do.

My Dad was fine unless Mum was poorly ...... he would go into a panic and get really ratty  .  If she was ill he never looked after her, not even a hot water bottle  .   

Think about what was said recently?  No one is perfect.  But being slagged off ain't what marriage is about?

[jaypo]

Like sheila says,life is too short for doing housework every day,if he's not happy about it then hand him the hoover and explain how tired you are,if he's done listening to your ailments then you have problems,when I was poorly my OH (now)couldn't do enough for me and he works long long hours,if you can't work it out together then ask if he'd seek counselling together if not then I'm afraid it's a slippery slope,clkd is right,marriage is a partnership and he should be there for you,we all argue with our OHs or don't see eye to eye at times but we compromise. Don't do as I did padine and live like that,it nearly destroyed me,crying myself to sleep at nights,longing to be happy,DO SOMETHING xx

[Padine]

Thanks again for all your sensible and helpful replies. I don’t want to leave my lovely home and we have talked. I’ve to be more assertive and less dithering, and do things to please ME. You’re right CLKD, it’s compromise, I need to do what I want (within reason!)
Our son+daughter I-L sent us gorgeous photos of our grandsons yesterday evening and I will save my marriage.
       Thanks again
               Padine xx

[CLKD]

Why should you compromise if the partner isn't willing and calls you out? 

Move into the spare room.  Don't feel that you need to justify yourself.  Decide how each argument 'runs' - is it similar issues each time that rile up memories so that it degenerates into shit throwing? I saw it with my parents who would go weeks without a mutter then something: same words shouted, same 'your family are below the below', 'your family are uneducated': words to hurt and to get a response.  In reality none were uneducated in Life's Rich Pattern but my parents were Grammar School educated but her siblings not.  So insults were thrown ........ talk about trying to score off each other  .  It rarely works because those insults are remembered, stored and reused.

Decide that if the same issues raise their ugly heads the walk away. "This didn't solve issues last time or the time B4" and leave the room.

[sheila99]

I'm glad you can work it out. IMO together is better than alone as long as you can both talk and accommodate the needs of the other.

[groundhog]

Hi Padine ,
I’ve read about your post several times and here’s what I think.
Firstly I can see similarities with my marriage.  As you know illness totally changed our life 40 years ago when I developed a few horrible diseases ( Chrons and endometriosis ) and it totally compromised our life.   Six years ago things got massively worse when surgery went wrong and left me with 3 stoma bags and pretty mutilated as a woman If I’m honest.    My oh retired and as I was already retired we were together 24/7. Disaster. He became bored and resentful , not of me he says, but our situation , he was no carer, he needed some excitement in his life, he hated routine and humdrum.......
We have the most awful days and then we have lovely days.  I am moody and can change from morning to night.  If he’s working ( he’s gone back part time) he’s fine, boredom is his enemy.  He’s either 100 miles an hour or very lazy.  He can be controlling and very irritating, we’ve thought about splitting up.  But we’ve been together 42 years so it’s a massive life change.  When we argue, he is upset and we talk.  We did have couple counselling and it helped because we could talk without one of us storming off or shouting and saying horrible things.
It’s so difficult when you are in this situation, not bad enough to leave but not good enough to say all is well.  I think as you are still talking that’s a plus point, does he seem remorseful ? Does he realise what he said was unacceptable and very very hurtful ?
I’ve also got grandchildren, a good supportive family and a home I love so I know how hard it is to massively upset the Apple cart as my dad used to say.  But deep down you know what your gut is telling you and I feel at the moment it’s keep at it .  With me there are certain things where the line would be crossed and I know at that point I would walk xx

[loveydovey]

Hi Padine
I to have had marriage issues for years, well enough is enough, hes done nothing but throw insults at me, shouting and swearing, hes going to knock the F****** bedroom door down.
Its been 35 years, so im done, trying to get a divorce,
Im living in my bedroom.
I hope you can sort it out.

[jaypo]

How horrible for you ladies that are stuck like this, I feel so sad. It is so difficult for women to break free from situations like this,especially as we age but it's not impossible, I was lucky that I met my now OH by chance on FB and have now been in a happy marriage for 8 years.I do hope you find a resolve as living separate lives in the same house is not healthy 

[Postmeno3]

There's nothing, absolutely nothing lonelier than living in a building that was once a home where the love has gone.