Hi. Kinda of wondering how you're doing? I 'sort of' did Dry January, interrupted by a couple of glasses of wine, to remember my daughter's friend who took his own life (it was his birthday and, due to lockdown, she's stuck at home with us).
I have an up and down relationship with alcohol. I can drink. And when I say drink, I mean most people under the table. Both my parents were alcoholics. I didn't take up the challenge until I was in my early 30s - until then I could open a bottle of wine one week and it would still be in the fridge by the end of the next week.
Anyway, yeah, it's now something I'm permanently conscious of. I'm the sort who would happily drink a bottle a night. Key for me was finding other things I'd rather do, like get up in the morning not feeling like a bucket of cold sick, be straight enough to ride my bike, feel the benefit of exercise, stop piling on weight, be able to think my way out of a paper bag, etc, etc. It wasn't until I kind of was pulled more towards the alternatives that I got on top of my drinking habits. In other words, it wasn't so much that I was giving something up, but that I was gaining something I wanted more. That made it easier.
Still though, some days, I _really_ need a drink. It's as if that allows me to press pause and just stop the world for a while. I'd rather I didn't feel this way, but I'm also not going to beat myself up about it. And the less I drink, the more I find other ways to press that pause button, earlier, sooner, so I intervene myself before I'm at my breaking point (that 'give me a funnel and keep it coming' bit).
I have a very dear friend who I talk to. He's been a member of AA for quite some time. It's really helped him.
Hope you're going ok. Very sorry for your losses. Sounds like a tough trot.
Best
E