Baby, I feel your pain BIG TIME! I have been dealing with this for over three years! I am 52, so I am hoping that perimenopause is on its way out. I have had so many horrible physical and mental symptoms, but the mental symptoms have been horrendous. I have also been suicidal, and if it hadn't been for the unwavering support of my spouse and close friends and family, I wouldn't be here. I, too, have tried HRT, but it made everything worse, so it certainly isn't the answer for everyone.
I don't know if you can private message people on this forum, but if you can, please do:)
Sending big hugs and the deepest of understanding.
Bev xo