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[squeaker99]

Any thought on this 'Dear Graham'  ladies from a different perspective as maybe I'm not reading things right.

I've got a friend who used to be a close friend (i.e. we would confide our hopes/fears/moans/health worries/husbands etc and watch movies/go for coffees etc) About a year ago she suddenly seemed to back off - make excuses not to meet up - for no obvious reason. Our kids are very close and we have no family near so the impact of this was more than just our friendship.  It got to the point she was only texting every now and again & I did say eventually  that texts weren't a substitute for meeting up.  Things improved for a bit but the usual pattern of making excuses or pulling out of coffee meet ups has come again.   Now she just sends me bi-weekly ' how are you things'  txts. 

I'm a bit hurt and fed up with it. Part of me feels like just ignoring her txts now. I don't want to be a desperate doormat  but I live in a small place and friends are in short supply!

The only thing is I think her husband has never approved of us being friends. He is quite controlling and conservative. She used to open up about this but hasn't done for ages.

Should I have some self respect and ' ghost' her ? Or is life too short and should I just continue with the ' everything is fine' texts?

[Sparrow]

Perhaps she has stuff going on in her life that she wants to keep private and is taking up her energy.

Just tell her that you are there for her if she is in trouble.  Don't push it though and let her call the shots.  I expect she will either open up or back off completely.

We are complicated creatures, especially at our age.

[CLKD]

What's ghosting?  Sounds very sinister.

Friendships can be hard work.  Personally anyone that doesn't keep in touch with us except at C.mas, is off our contact list.  I need to be liked all year round. 

Since e-mail developed some friends have popped back into my Life, always at my endeavours.  Some have maintained, a couple of people I grew up with went by the way-side as they, despite saying 'we must keep in touch', haven't.  Others pop up and down ....... it does depend on how the friendships were as to how much effort I know put into them.

Do the children still meet up?

[squeaker99]

CLKD -     'Ghosting ' is in the OED !   'the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication' -    in the same vein as 'throwing shade' (dissing something) or 'slaying it' (nailing it). You are so not woke.
(I sometimes feel like my 12 yr old speaks a different language to me).

Yes I think I probably just need something to fixate on now my latest anxiety has been totally ' dissed' by my GP.....I need to focus on the positive relationships I have.   I just find social media communication to be a bit false and complicated sometimes....'Hi - how are you', ' Fine and you' etc etc and in my neck of the woods no one phone each other anymore.

[CLKD]

Still none the wiser despite your efforts  2 me a ghost is something that few people see ;-).

Do you think it's worth the effort to keep this friendship going?

[KaraShannon]

Squeaker99

I can relate, though the people that have ghosted me will probably say I've done it to them.  But all I've done is mirror their actions. 

You mention your friend's husband, I do often wonder if other people are involved when someone starts behaving differently.  I would reiterate that texting is not the same as not meeting occasionally and is there anything wrong that's led to last minute cancellations, etc. 

I know I've had to cancel a friend on a number of occasions and while I gave very long explanations about the problems I was going through and reassured that I will want to meet up as soon as I can, she's begun 'semi-ghosting' me (is there such a phrase, lol).  But I have to leave it because any more explaining would look desperate, and no, that I'm not.  I've lost the most important people in my life already, I can cope with all further losses.

[jillydoll]

I've a ghost here in this house that doesn't speak to me either! 🤣😂
Very ignorant if you ask me! 🤨

Sorry girls! It's a serious subject. I?ll shut up now! Go on, Slap it..........🤚

[CLKD]

Sorry don't get the problem 

[Ladybt28]

Squeaker99 - I think she had something in her life which was taking all her time and energy and maybe she stepped out of contact because she was afraid that someone would ask "how are you" and she felt so awful she just avoided the situations where it was likely.  I have been like that in the past...it was so awful and went on so long and I myself was thoroughly bored by it all, so much so I couldn't be bothered to talk about it but if I went out and said I was "fine" my demeanour and face said exactly the opposite!!   Seriously bad depression causes that kind of behaviour, or maybe someone was ill and/or dying and she just had no space in her head?
I knew I was being a poor "friend" but I couldn't really seem to find a way to do anything about it,
Now maybe she is a bit more in control and knows she has to "reconnect".  Maybe her husband has left her/or her him!  If I had been that close to someone I can't see what harm it would do to talk to her again....maybe she needs her "friend"...maybe she is "better"...if you don't talk to her you won't know?  xx

[yellowflower]

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php'term=Ghosting

[Mogster71]

If it was me (and the friendship was important etc) I would perhaps send a little card or something to say that you miss your outings and chats but you're aware that something seems to have changed and you hope shes ok. You've put the ball back in her court then. After that I would back off.

I hate things left hanging but she will know by your letter that you're thinking of her. You just don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

I also know I can't summon the energy to get together with my friends as often as I used to, it could be something as simple as that.

[CLKD]

By cutting off contact one isn't doing anything  so how can it be 'ghosting', don't people understand the English language!   . My 2 ghosts were quite active ..........

I agree Mogster71 - in face I used to try to keep up with friendships but if ignored I stopped sending letters [remember those  ]

[jaycee]

What does Fomo mean?

[yellowflower]

What does Fomo mean?

Fear of missing out.

[CLKD]

... which is why many are glued to their devices 

Me, I work on the reality: if someone really really wants me they will let me know by tapping the door or ringing the land line and if they really don't include me, I don't want them in my Life!