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[Redlocks]

feeling of derangement and despair i have not know to such a chronic level before in my life.  I feel I have lost me,  any feelings of joy and love and connections even to the ones I "love". 


I just don't know how much longer I can deal with unrelenting depression/anxiety  (over 8 years now psychiatrist  diagnosed me with "treatment resistant depression").  Antidepressant have helped me crawl out of the hole and see the light again but not lately and so I am not on anything apart from HRT and low dose Mirtazapine and Quetiapine to help me sleep.  However cannot even sleep enough anymore lately either and feel physically and mentally pretty wrecked.   .  Through years of mental suffering like this I even became addicted to tranquilizers and opiates at some point (which I am not taking now but very much miss - anything for a little respite). 

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I really wonder at the moment if the depression I am struggling with is actually hormone related?  I am utterly confused but do not know how to actually survive and get through any hour, day or weeks to come.   I know the election results and Christmas etc.  are not helping but no way would I suffer that deeply and severely with a more stable and better mental health regardless of any external circumstances.

I am just at my wits end and feel guilty for feeling like this.   

MichiHope, I can relate so, so much to pretty much everything you said, but especially the above. Sending you massive hugs.
I'm on Estradot and Utrogestan and antidepressants too but they don't seem to be touching any of the severe anxiety symptoms at the moment.
X

[zen]

Hi MichiHope

I am so very sorry that you are having and have been having such an awful time for so long.  I totally empathise.  I feel the same.  I am on estrogel and testosterone and cyclogest (I couldn't tolerate Utrogen) to no avail and have had really bad depression and anxiety for 9 years since my periods stopped.  I too have tried numerous anti-depressants and I seem to have treatment resistant depression too. I really do feel it is all hormone related as I was fine before.

I really don't know what to add but to let you know that you are not alone. My heart goes out to you, hang on in there in the hope that things will improve and take one hour, one day at a time. Ask for all the help you need.

Sending you love and hugs. xx

[MichiHope]

Thank you again so much  to all ladies who replied.   I feel very touched by your kindness and empathy.  My heart also goes out to all who struggle and feel confused re the HRT and mental health maze.     

Birdy:  to answer your question re my diet and alcohol.   I am only drinking occasionally and not very much.  My diet is generally quite good but because of how I feel, I am finding it a real struggle to cook and make a big effort tbh. I am lucky - i really enjoy a variety of foods - plenty of fruit and veg, whole-grains etc..  I never diet (used to when I was young).   I don't believe in dieting.   I am a qualified (ex)dietitian (not currently working).  When I worked as a dietitian i have observed how detrimental dieting and the dieting industry can be pushing a lot of people into increased self-hatred/disgust and sometimes even disordered eating and away from what's actually really important in terms of self-care and good nutrition wisely applied.   Since my dietetics days i have done a fair bit of training relating to "kindful" eating and making peace with food and your body.  This is obviously an ongoing journey just like mental health difficulties.   Sorry i diverse but I think body image issues and the relationship we have with food also plays a role in menopause.   

I find it baffling as you hear about some women (also in the media) whose lives seemed to be transformed by HRT and although it has positively helped me with hot flushes, my mental health is far from stable or good.   I even feel that while on the Tibolone at least i felt physically a bit more stable even if it didn't help me mentally.  So currently i feel maybe i should give up on HRT altogether or??  go back to the Tibolone? 

Also just disillusioned with gynaecologist I see.  Although he is a nice guy he never once replied to any of my emails and experimenting like this with 6 pumps of oestrogel may have been a bit extreme?   I know he is only trying to help but tbh I feel that 4 pumps are more than enough.  I feel shaky, bit nauseous,  very weak, dizzy and really not right at all.   Could do without Christmas and feel guilty that I cannot even enjoy having my 19 year old daughter (plus boyfriend) home for Christmas and New Year (and her birthday on the 2nd Jan).  I just feel so overwhelmed and keep wondering when I am getting myself back?   I really don't expect much, just a bit more energy, sleep and quality of life.   Tired of just going through the motions, having "lost" my joy and sparkle.    I know that i could do so much more with my life.  I wish I could help other people rather than feeling stuck in this endless feeling depression/anxiety.....

Sending comforting hugs to Birdy, Redlocks and Zen and all other ladies who replied.    I know it will be a marathon rather than a sprint.  Thankful for not struggling on my own but really do not wish for anyone to have to go through this!!

[MichiHope]

Hi Birdy, sorry about my ignorance but what is DIM and where do you get it from?

Currently on 4 pumps if Oestrogen, no progesterone but still feeling very depressed and despairing.  Maybe it isn't about progesterone intolerance after all??
I just don't understand why such a dark mood and anxiety on the oestrogen? This morning i just didn't want to wake up and couldn't stop crying...

Also its not about having difficult circumstances.  I have a caring supportive family around me, but i feel so numb and disconnected from people and life. Also zero motivation, drive or strength.  Just feel like a heap of a sth that just goes through the motions somehow.  Doesn't feel like living and so hope that next year will be easier somehow.   I do not have high expectations but what i am going through does not feel like a life worth living sadly. 

Sorry don't want to sound so negative.  Tbh i would rather be a ray of sunshine and a beacon of light and hope for people.  I just have to believe that this will be possible again...