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[Cadgwith Girl]

Chatting to another fellow MM member got me thinking about this as a topic thread with two aspects to it...

ONE (negative)
I am not a confident person when it comes to socialising; I never have been for various reasons.  When I first met my partner I was flung into a very big social world and although I dearly liked all of the people in his world, I still struggled when attending social parties and family gatherings. Sadly, I have been suffering from terrible loneliness since the breakup of my long-term relationship with my partner. He came from a very large network of family and friends who were very tight knit and because of our break up I no longer see or hear from most of them.  It's understandable because most of them have their own families and children which take up all their time.

It seems to me that perimenopause is the cruelest trick that mother nature has to play! Just when I was starting to 'manage' a social life in my partner's world, I started to suffer from terrible mood swings which I was not aware of and eventually our relationship fell apart because of my perimenopause symptoms.  Long story short, I now find myself on my own once again with deep depression, lack of confidence and no motivation or interest to socialise at all and worst of all no confidence to get out and find a new man who can love and support me and accept me for who I am.  It's been horrible to discover that all the things that once made me feminine and possibly attractive to a man and future partner may be sliding away from me before my very eyes.

I have read with horror about vaginal atrophy, dryness and various other physical relationship issues due to depression medication.  Not to mention the loss of volumes of hair in the shower and dry skin on my face! Why did I not know about all of these things before?  And how on earth am I supposed to be able to get back out there and play the dating game and hope that any new potential partner will understand that I will struggle to offer a full, physical relationship?!  To compound matters, not having a proper social network of my own also makes it all the harder for me to go out there and start again.  And on top of which, most of the few women I do have contact with are all taken up with family time and not interested in going out partying and finding a man because they already have theirs.

Can anyone offer any words of encouragement? I really don't want to feel like I'm destined for the scrap heap this soon in life! I had always hoped that there would be someone special out there for me who loved me for who I am, no matter what life put in our path.  I always thought that I would get married one day and live to grow old with my intended.  Where do I go from here?

TWO (positive)
As I have already mentioned, I am terrible when it comes to social confidence, especially making friends with women.  However, I have already discovered on here, in a very short space of time, that I can chat without feeling scared or awkward or not know what to say and I have even come across one member who is familiar with where I used to live.  That got me to thinking about other women who may be the same as me.  I used to come across as quietly confident especially in work roles and people were often surprised to discover that I totally lacked social confidence.  My work gave me something to talk about and give me a fixed role; without it, I crumble.  I am really hoping that I will make some really good new friends on here and possibly with the view to meeting some of you ladies one day, if you are within my vicinity, and move from being virtual online friends to actual friends in real life.

Thankyou for reading this. I really look forward to hearing from you!!!
Much love and support to you all xxx

[jaypo]

Hi there,you're definitely not alone,there are a lot of women on here,including myself who are introvert, I hate doing new things, I don't like crowds of people and I'm quite happy just doing my own thing,hate change.I wasn't like this when I was younger,quite the party girl actually
I don't think you're destined for the scrap heap though, I keep myself well groomed,still do my hair and make up and think I'm not doing too badly for my 56 years.
I've NOT lost my hair nor do I have dry skin but I do use decent hair and skin products.
I did suffer from anxiety and depression but only for a short time,that's when I joined this forum and boy did it help,just knowing you're not alone.
Writing your thoughts down to strangers can be the biggest help and nobody on here will judge you,you can ask literally anything about meno and someone will come along to help you.
Don't think it's all doom and gloom,go onto the funny side of menopause thread and you'll see we can all laugh at ourselves.
I think I'm through the other side now,fingers crossed,still have the occasional bout of anxiety but it's short lived,I've met some amazing women on here,we're not all dried up old prunes  so don't fret

[Cadgwith Girl]

Hi Jaypo,

This is just the sort of thing I need to hear, thankyou!  I know I'm not the exception to the rule when it comes to lack of confidence socialising.

How long did it take you to get through to the other side, so to speak? Looking back, I think I started to become perimenopausal when I was 43; it was only when I started having hot flashes in late December 2017 (I was 47 by then) that I really knew I was perimenopausal. I'm now 49 and have been in the thick of depression since mid May this year. I'm just wondering when it will all start to back off a bit! I know the relationship break up hasn't helped and I'm currently off work too.  All my stuff is in boxes in three different locations from when we sold our house last year, which hasn't helped. I can't face going through the boxes of stuff as I find it upsetting.  But I know I have to. Yesterday, I dug out my Advent Calendar village only to discover that the tiny houses had all got damp and covered in mould.  I had to wipe the houses very carefully to avoid rubbing the paint off. I was so upset! All these years of buying nice things for my forever home to find that they are going silently mouldy in cardboard boxes never seeing the light of day!

All I want from life is a loving, understanding and faithful partner and to be happy in a nice little house!  Ideally a few female friends who I can really relate to and be able to catuch up with for a cuppa every now and then would be a superb bonus!  Hopefully, through these chats this might actually happen one day! In the meantime, making a few online friends is more than I can ask for right now!
xxx

[jaypo]

You're obviously going through a lot right now and at the wrong time,not sure there's a right time tbh but these things are so so trying.
I was 48 when I found my now husband,been in a dreadful relationship for years with a very controlling man,thought I was destined to a life of misery,cried myself to sleep on numerous nights but things changed (long story) and life DID get better,I moved hundreds of miles to be be with the love of my life,never did I think I could do what I did,left my job,friends,family and house and moved to a different life,like I said I was 48,so things can happen for a reason,it may not feel like it right this minute but hang on in there girl.
As for coming through all this meno rubbish    I started with the hot flushes about 5 years ago,they're a nuisance but I can live with them if that's all I've to worry about,health anxiety took hold as I'd a few health scares,one after the other,each time I thought I was going to die,each time everything was ok,thankfully but it took it's toll and I spiralled downhill but,like I said again,this forum helped,I tried antidepressants but they were definitely not for me,then one morning I woke and I was ok,simple as that,I'd say it took me a few months,no more but if you have all these issues going on I know how difficult it must be for you,the littlest of things can become huge problems,all your stuff in boxes,is upsetting,have you got anywhere to go?

[Jeepers]

Hi cadgewith

I'm another introvert.  I sat nodding at your post.  Everyone at work thinks I am confident at work, and I have to say, work has been important to me, gave me a sense of purpose and distraction from my anxieties and other negative things. I mostly work with men (IT), so I don't have a lot of female friends, which always makes me a bit sad (luckily, I have two daughters with whom I am very close).

I was on my own (mostly) for 9 years, after my divorce, and then bit the bullet and joined a dating site.  I met lots of men for coffees, never took it any further, til I met a man who I thought was lovely.  Spent two months getting to know him, then he showed his true colours when I let my guard down, in the most vile way.  I didn't want to get burnt again, so I didn't go onto the site for some months.  Then I did (boredom), and I met the most wonderful man.  He knows all about my meno journey, and has been kind  & understanding, we can talk about anything.  We've been together for a year now, and that year has covered dry skin, piles (!), unhingedness anxiety, family problems etc.  So, what I am saying is, that you have to be very careful, but there ARE some lovely men out there, don't put yourself on the scrap heap, if that's what you want.

Also, when I did get divorced, I barely knew who I was anymore.  So I spent a lot of time thinking about what I liked.  Ive done scuba diving, kayaking, rock climbing, started playing my classical guitar again (very cathartic).  It was tough doing some of those things, rocking up on my own.. there were times when I only got as far as the car park before going home, but I did find a lot of new friends (and its not about how you look, scuba diving is not glamorous for anyone!)

Oh, and of course on here... there is no place like it for female supportive company.. I feel blessed that I found this space..   

Jeepers xx

[jillydoll]

Hi Cadgwith Girl.

Where are you in the world? UK? x

[jaypo]

😂🤣😂 Birdy,Jill is soooooo silly
I knew where it was.................honest 
There's a lot on here who suffer loneliness,my OH away most days all day and sometimes I don't know what to do,there's only so much polishing you can do 

[jaypo]

Yes but are you laughing at us or with us Birdy 

[jillydoll]

Ohhh alright! I didn't know where cadgwith was.....I'm just a brummie girl! 🤣😂


Don't know Doc Martin do you? 🤣😂🤣

[CLKD]

Loneliness is a state of mind.  I have been lonely in a crowded room  .  When deeply depressed I was rarely lonely as I couldn't interact but I did need somewhere safe to spend time.  There wasn't anywhere though  the nearest MIND walk in centre meant driving and I didn't feel safe enough.

Is there a rush to get into a new relationship?  Maybe there needs to be a period of mourning and introspection to find out who you are.  Making plans now will see you through until the worst of the festive season is over ;-).

Write down your skill base?  Hobbies?  CV - see where your strengths lie.  Is there a local school where you could hear children reading? or help with maths.?  Do you like pets - if so look at the Cinnamon Trust.  You are miles from places so offering services to a charity shop may not be useful right now - AgeUK have a befriending service I believe by 'phone.

Cornwall is a World of it's own, even have their own Cornish miles - much longer than elsewhere  and their own language and flag.

We do such a lot each day without thinking about how we pass the time, that our skills often get forgotten.  How does your Dad see you? 

[Cadgwith Girl]

Hi Jaypo,
Thankyou again for your words of encouragement. I never thought I'd end up seeing myself as being on my own at the age of 49 and looking after my elderly father. Not that I mind doing that; he is very good to me. He doesn't charge me rent and we often go out for coffee or lunch. He's not hard work to look after as he's still quite mobile and independent. I'm currently signed off work in a job on a much lower payscale because I could no longer cope with my main profession due to perimenopause. So I should be most grateful for what I've got!
It's so good to hear that you came through a difficult situation and have found the man you want to be with.  I'm hoping the same will happen for me too.  I know I need to spend some time on my own to sort myself out and get back to being somewhat nearer to being the person I used to be first of all.
As for all my stuff in boxes...I know I need to sort through it all at some point. A lot of it belongs to the ex which is why I don't want to go looking through it as it's too upsetting. Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff has got really damp due to the good old fashioned Cornish weather. Perhaps I will make a start in the New Year when I'm feeling a bit more in control.
You and the other ladies on this post have made me smile. I actually look forward now to going online and seeing what people are saying.
Hi Jillydoll,
Yes, I'm in the UK in a tiny little coastal village in Cornwall called Cadgwith, hence my username. I grew up here and my father still lives here in the house I grew up in. It's very pretty. You should look it up on Google.  It's been on TV quite a few times and was even used in a few scenes of the film Ladies In Lavender. I remember going down to the cove to watch the film makers preparing some of the scenes.  Just for reference, Doc Martin is filmed on the north coast of Cornwall.
Hi Jeepers,
Thanks for the words of advice about dating websites. I have had a look but it feels a bit alien to me...looking at photos of men and deciding which ones might suit me. Guess I'm a bit old fashioned there. I'd much rather walk into a pub and get chatting to someone and see where it goes from there. I know that I also need to get out there and do some of the things that I have always wanted to do but I've been held back from because of the relationship I was in. Again, I've got to be patient as I don't currently have sufficient funds to be able to go out and about to do things I'd like to do.  Eventually, I'm sure I will be able to move back to where I want to be which is Falmouth and take up some fun activities which will help to increase my social network.

[Cadgwith Girl]

Hi Birdy,
Nice to hear from you. It's possible I might know who you are talking about.
I love Falmouth and Penryn. I rented in Penryn for three years before my ex and I bought a house in Falmouth. It's my gameplan to eventually get back to that area to live
xx

[jillydoll]

North East South West........it's all the same to me....Cornwall, is Cornwall to me up here in Birmingham.🤣😂🤣😂
You'll get used to us, I'm sure....😆. Xx but thanx for the info...

[jaypo]

Yes,she'll get used to US but I doubt she'll ever get used to you Jill 😂😆🤣
It's ok cadgwith,she knows I love her
Good luck for the future and yes,leave the boxes until you feel stronger....and you will 

[Cadgwith Girl]

No worries, ladies!  xxx