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[Cadgwith Girl]

I have just been posting replies on MM to other feeds on all things menopausal, with solutions to things that have worked for me.  So now it is my turn to ask for support and advice...
I am currently trying to cope with deep depression and can't seem to find a way out of it.  I'm not on HRT and want to stay off it if I can as I have had so little success.  I'm nearly into week 5 of being on 10mg of Citalopram in the mornings and 15mg of Mirtazapine at night.  The Mirtazapine generally helps me to get a decent night's sleep but I wake up in the mornings feeling absolutely horrible to the point that I can't wait for the end of the day so that I can go back to sleep and forget about the horrible state I am in.  I have recently noticed that the Citalopram has started me to have involuntary muscle spasms.  I have to add in here that I split up with my partner last month after nearly 17 years together. We sold our house at the end of last year and all my stuff is in storage boxes in three different locations! I am now back living with my elderly father who is a godsend.  I have just been signed off work again due to not coping with my level of depression.  Any advice would be most gratefully received!

[CLKD]

Give yourself a break!  You have had a lot going on ......... you may need to mourn the relationship, always difficult at this time of year with added commitments.   Was there a row or did the relationship crumble .......

I find getting by with lists.  OK as long as I can remember where I've put them 

I had deep depression in the 1990s and have taken medication since 1988.  Dreadful.  I would sleep most afternoons.  Thought I would never recover.  Sleep heals ;-).  My worst time has always been mornings ...... I still look no further than half a day at a time and hate planning ahead! 

10mg isn't a lot, go and have a chat with your GP: are you able to keep the same Surgery?: to see about raising the amount until the New Year and review.  Maybe add 10mg at lunchtime as well, see what he or a Pharmacist suggests. 

Having good sleep will help .  I don't have spasms with anti-depressants but do have restless leg syndrome.  Bananas cures that for me or 'nurofen'.  Cramp needs treating with more salt in the diet.

Do you and your Dad get on OK?  Does he need care ......... is that problem at the back of your mind?

[Cadgwith Girl]

Thankyou for your reply.
The relationship crumbled on his part because he couldn't handle my perimenopausal mood swings.   When it all first started I had no idea what was going on and didn't realise how bad my mood swings had become, partly because he didn't tell me and partly because no one else told me either.  I didn't realise I was having such big mood swings; I just thought I was having a tough day at work etc. like everyone else.
Fortunately, for me, I get on very well with my dad. Yes, he does need care but I can manage that.  What I am finding difficult to deal with emotionally (and I know this is really selfish of me) is the remoteness of where he lives. I used to live in a lovely town about 20 miles away and I miss it dreadfully.   I don't have many friends because I'm not good at socialising and the town always gave me a sense of belonging, even if it was just to go out for a coffee or go to the local leisure club which has a great swimming pool and sauna.  Right now, I can't afford to move back there either to rent or purchase because I don't earn enough money plus my dad needs me as he gets lonely too in the evenings.
I did try to up the Citalopram to 20mg as recommended by my doctor but it made me feel even worse so I brought it back down to 10mg.

[CLKD]

OK so you've tried upping the dose.  That's fine.

I think that, getting C.mas and the recent move out of the way, your depression will ease.  By then the meds will have worked for longer and you will have had breathing space.  It takes a while for the brain to get support that it needs!

In the New Year do look into the care that your Dad may need in the future and look at the agencies etc. in your area.  AgeUK is a place to begin and he may qualify for a social services visit to arrange ramps, bath aids etc. which should be free.  No need to tell Dad but forewarned is forearmed.  Do you have siblings?

It's not selfish to feel isolated but maybe it's beneficial - the town won't disappear.  Are U able to get into town with him occasionally, maybe book a Taxi for a light lunch or afternoon coffee and bun together.  You know his abilities and needs ......... does he have friends visit with him?  Could he go to visit friends whilst you have a cuppa ........

Little steps. Make a few lists of ifs and whens ..... how much stuff do you need to hang onto, maybe in the New Year get it into one place and charity what you don't need. 

[Cadgwith Girl]

I'm really not looking forward to Christmas as I used to spend it with my partner and his family.  His parents always did a big Christmas meal for the whole family and there would be usually 13 + of us including 4 children all together.  I'm going to miss that dreadfully this year! I will be glad to see the New Year and hopefully a new start, including trying to go back to work again.

My brother helps out a great deal with dad's needs; he does a lot of the work which needs sorting out relating to dad's physical needs.  Fortunately, dad is still pretty mobile right now and still drives short distances to the nearby villages.  I can't afford to drive to town that often as I'm now on such a tight budget.

Making lists sounds like a good plan.  There's masses to go through yet as some stuff is my partner's and some is mine, including furniture and white goods.  I can't face going through the boxes yet as it's too upsetting.

[Karen max]

Hi
I was on mirtazapine ( different doses) and I woke up every morning feeling awful, I was same as you I couldn't wait for night time until I could get to bed as that was only time I felt well ( when I was sleeping ) sounds crazy but true !!
Anyway I ended up coming of them and replacing them with another antidepressant s I just couldn't cope it's side effects

Kaz

[Wilks]

Hi, I have a history of depressive episodes with periods of being fine in between, but my absolute worst time was when I first started being peri menopausal and didn't realise that mood swings/anxiety were symptoms of peri menopause. I hardly slept for several months and was suicidal.
HRT has helped but I also need fluoxetine. I've tried most antidepressants at one time or another and fluoxetine suits me best. I found that citalopram made me anxious for the first few weeks but that did wear off.

I also need exercise, daylight and fresh air to help my mood. Could more of that help?

[CLKD]

Do either of you have Power of Attorney for your Dad? Something to talk to your brother about?

Little steps.  Half a day at a time.

[Cadgwith Girl]

Thankyou ladies for your supportive comments.  It really is appreciated!
It's good to hear that the anxiety with the Citalopram wears off.  I will stick with it, then.  I've started taking it in the evening instead in the hope that it will work more effectively and make me less agitated.  It seemed to go okay last night so I'm going to do the same tonight.
xx

[Cadgwith Girl]

Do either of you have Power of Attorney for your Dad? Something to talk to your brother about?

Little steps.  Half a day at a time.

Yes. My brother has power of attorney, fortunately.  I'm most grateful that he deals with most things for dad, financially.

[CLKD]

I take my main doses in the evening.  It's cortisol, the waking hormone, that used to cause the main problems.  Half a day at a time ;-)

[squeaker99]

Cadgwith girl. I just wanted to say how much I admire you for being able to reach out for
advice and tell your story. It is easy to think that everyone is going about with these great lives
but your post reminds me that most people have issues and need some kindness.

I haven't had depression but struggle with anxiety. I second CLKD advice on lists - I make two columns
in mine, a ' To do' list and ' For me' list - So I might have 'clean a cupboard out' out or ' go shopping' on one,  then 'have a bath' or ' make a cake'  on the other. It reminds me to prioritise things that might cheer me up.

The best things I did last year was to join a local choir. I was nervous and am not a great singer but I get so muck from it. The people are lovely and you don't need to socialise in the sessions as we are focused on singing. Maybe choose just one thing you wish you had done and look out a local class. If it doesn't work out, just choose another one.  ( I plucked up courage last year to have a gym session but it was awful - full of muscle men and unfriendly young gym bunnies - I ran away after 15 minutes.  I laugh about it now).

I wish you all the best. You seem to have an inner strength that will see you through.

[Cadgwith Girl]

Hi Birdy and Squeaker,

Thankyou so much for your kind words and comments!  They mean a great deal to me!
I seem to be getting into the habit of going onto the MM forum as it seems to help me get started with the day...and I feel like I'm beginning to make some friends on here too.

Squeaker, I really like your idea of the two column list. At the moment things that would have been simple to do, without even thinking about, often seem like an insurmountable mountain! So, I shall give this a go.  The one thing I do like doing still, fortunately, is going out for a walk with my dog.  She helps to motivate me! And, I have to say, that I am so lucky that I go out to lunch twice a week with my dad. We go to local cafes or pubs and do crosswords.  These simple things seem to be the highlight of my week right now!  Your idea of joining a choir or something similar also appeals to me. I do like singing and I don't mind going to the gym.  I'm not bothered by all the supertoned fitness addicts.  The only thing that is holding me back at the moment is lack of funds for fuel.  As Birdy says, there's very little down here in Cadgwith.  It's beautiful but it's very remote and the nearest opportunities are at least 10 miles away from me.

Birdy, it's so nice to read that someone really understands what I'm on about here because they know the area.  Falmouth is a lovely town and I lived there and in Penryn for the best part of 14 years.  I miss the area dreadfully, especially as there is plenty to do over there such as going to the gym, going swimming or even joining a rowing club.  I guess I'll just have to be patient.
I do take magnesium and various other supplements already.  Fortunately, I don't have a bad bowel reaction to it either.

CLKD, I took my dose of Citalopram and Mirtazapine yesterday evening about an hour before I went to bed and that seemed to work quite well again, so I'm going to stick with that routine from now on. Thankyou.

I did have quite a good afternoon yesterday.  I could even watch Jamie Oliver's cookery programmes on the Food Channel without getting upset about not being part of a big family for this Christmas.  I even thought about what I could do with old Christmas cards to make Christmas bunting this year!  I just wish I could wake up in the mornings feeling a bit more positive and not so full of fear, dread and sick to my stomach but I guess that will come with time.

[CLKD]

Mornings are my worst because the whole day spreads ahead!

I try to focus on one nice thing too, a dew drop on a leaf.  ....... and breath. 

It is truly awful, I remember it well.  Glad that chatting here is helping 

[Cadgwith Girl]

Hi Birdy,
I've just realised that I've been chatting to you on two different threads! Perhaps, I should stick to just one thread. My poor perimenpause brain just can't keep up these days!
Yes, I have transport and can drive but I'm on a very limited budget right now due to cutting back my hours at work, again due depression and not coping with perimenopause in general. I'm trying to be kind to myself and limit my stress levels.  I was going through a very bad time earlier in the summer with my stress levels through the roof, major insomnia every night and struggling to keep a failing relationship going.
xx