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[Ladybt28]

So just when I thought I had things sorted and for once in my life I as actually going go accomplish something and it was going to go right...well...its not, it hasn't and I'm so p'd off cos I fell into the trap of thinking it's ok.
And its not to do with the menopause really or is it?..or is it just the last 15 years of things being s*** that I have got used to it and I just expect it and then again...do I make it happen like some kind of sabotage.  I cant even find an appropriate place on the forum to post "fed up with the world generally...and why am I still here?" urgh 

As you can tell people, it's past midnight - down the rabbit hole again and its all about first world problems "the decorating" of the little office which has kicked it off, which has been a nightmare from start to finish...hardly a catastrophe I hear you shout, but no its brought up all sorts of things I thought were gone...but clearly not.  I am so tired of living...it's beyond a joke....how much more of life's crap is one person supposed to take before they just give up.  The "wonderful husband" is a "pain in the arse"...what goes on in his head?  What goes on in their heads?
I'm so bored I cant even be bothered to explain it but I feel  so upset I just had to write it down, I feel so upset...oh and by the way I know it makes no sense but I hope I will feel better when I have got it off my chest..or not?

40 years of crap all the kinds of crap you can imagine...and just when I thought I could cope with the little things turns out I can't.  Did my failings turn me into this loon, did I do something to deserve it or did the crap use up every ounce of energy and patience I have for anything however big or however small now I am some useless, insignificant, pedantic, wizened past it...57 invisable something?

Lost it this afternoon and evening and there is no rational person in my head.  Back where I was a year ago...there is no sane person in my head...oh dear what will you all make of it? ....but one thing I have learned is not keep this in..so now it's out..!
What's out? you say..I don't know just frustration I suppose....just fed up with the world.  x  rant over sorry

[bear]

Hello Ladybt28,

I'm not sure I can help (not sure I have understood what is the problem), but just want to say these things come and go, just let the feelings flow and go away. Don't dwell on them. One thing that is positive about menopause (one must look for the positives!) is that I have become more aware of the fact that I am in control of absolutely NOTHING. That can be liberating, once you accept it and relax!

Have a late night hug!

BeaR.

[MicheleMaBelle]

Hi -I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes it's just so damned overwhelming and you overthink , overanalyse and over catastrophise everything. Plus, you feel that the old you is no longer there and you don't like the new you.

I would agree wholeheartedly with BeaR. Try and be kind to yourself and maybe your GP could recommend some CBT to try and get you thinking a bit differently about the here and now. I think it might help the feeling of being overwhelmed and yes, quite often I think we feel like this due to hormones ( or lack of them ) x

[Ladybt28]

Hi Bear,
The problem is one which is underlying and which is part of my core personality I think and these issues which come up no matter how hard I try to deal with them came up again despite years of counselling and knowing that it happens and I shouldn't buy into it, plus havinging been given endless strategies, I just cannot pull them off. I try and and accept I have absolutely no control of anything but I really don't do very well.  As I am getting older, I just don't seem to have the strength to do battle with the world like I used to.

My husband is a wonderful man and I absolutely worship him but like any human he has some flaws. He doesn't react to any form of stress well and when we first met 20 years ago he was very ill with mental health issues which caused a number of behaviours which during our first few years shook my trust in our relationship and being the kind of person I am, which is a true Capricorn through and through, I never really recovered.

For the first time in 10 years, as you know from my posts, meno made me very ill and in truth I only just got away with my life I have been able to start doing things again.  Working properly, not being a little agrophobic, looking after the house as I would like and doing some decorating...you know acting like a "proper" person, like the ones you see around you.  So we embarked on some DIY - decorating a room.  Husband wanted to do it (and he is good at DIY) and I didn't have any reservations, I like or used to like DIY too but gave it all up (everything in my life except existing) because of the meno "illness".  So it was a difficult room to prepare (long story) and it has taken nearly 2 months and everything we have touched has either gone wrong, had to be redone, broken or just not been right (for example a brand new door I ordered has 2 big chips out of it when delivered yesterday) - so husband has reverted to his behaviours when stressed and of course he pushed all the buttons, from my pastas a teenager, my general insecurities and all the ones he made a million time worse over a good few years - and well I just don't deal with these things well and now I am older I can't seem to deal with "anything" however small.

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired and my whole life seem go have been one long series of circles.  No matter how much I try to get control and deal with my issues, or however long the gap between them, they always come back and bite me in the bum and...there I am...back to where I was again..down the rabbit hole.  It's like being trapped....my life has trapped me and now I am too old and too ill to escape xx

[Ladybt28]

MicheleMaBelle - I have had counselling, CBT, 40 years of AD's, visits to the doctor in crisis (AD's didn't help - they made me numb, my life passed me by) I'm bored with trying to fix it...40 years of trying to fix it...when do you give up?  What do "they" (not sure who they are?) but.....they say "you should know when to quit".  I know what the problems are and I have been given strategies to "cope"...loads of them over the years but it just doesn't seem to work.  Something happens and down we go again, and I am just getting so tired of picking myself up and going on again.  I've asked for help and in some cases (better late than never go it) but to be honest at the end of my life there wont be much to sum up, I just can't get it right.

Its getting harder and harder - how do you make it stop?

[Ladybt28]

Thanks Birdy.....yes it's a major wobble, but they hit harder and harder....and then they set me off down the road of the last 40 years...how did I get here, how did it happen...how do you keep brushing it off and going on again?  The meno drugs are working...so now there is no excuse...it has to be me doesn't it?  It has to be me, in my head that can stop it. My mum used to say "there is never anyone to blame but yourself"...."you make your own luck"....I still don't know how that works.  When you see these "life coach" types they are always going on about self-reliance...and "making things happen".  Well...looks like I must have manifested in the universe the rubbish stuff and not the good stuff and I'm tired. 

I get to a point when I have faith and then.... poof...it's gone again and back to square 1 we go. x

[Butterfly22]

I can relate, I sometimes Think was I a murderer in a previous life and all this bad luck is karma!
I think is this it! Is this my life? I hardly have any friends (mainly my fault) I'm always worrying about money and as for my health!
It's so hard but I just tell myself keep going, just keep moving forward.
Last week everyone was overwhelming me, I even felt a pain asking for help in this group.
But try and put things into one task at a time, try not to put too much pressure on yourself to, and if you have to say no to people do it without feeling guilty.
Also try and do something for you,go for a walk, listen to so,e of you fav music, go shopping or a pamper?
Here if you need to chat xx

[Tc]

Lady.
  I understand totally the fear of not wanting to "go back to that place".  That fear in itself causes us to feel so much worse and I think that's what's happening.

You are dealing with some life stresses at the moment. You wouldnt be human if things didnt get to you. But our past experience with our mental health makes us panic and think that we are going right back down.  There is no reason to think that lady. You have come so far, but you are not perfect, no one is, and you are not a machine.and when life throws things at you  you will react to emotional and stressful situations sometimes even subconsciously but  it isnt permenant. Keep telling yourself that 

You havent stepped backwards, just maybe knocked of course a little..  It's not the major  uphill treck it was before to get back on that track. It's only a few steps. And a few steps is do able.  I know it's hard but the only way to get on top of that fear is to focus on the here and now. Just because something has happened in the past doesnt mean its bound to happen again.   You are still doing well. Just dont let that bloody fear win.. please let it out  and keep talking about it.

 certainly for myself,  no counsellor or psychotherapist  has ever gone into. , how I actually feel about having had MH issues which have impacted my life so much over the years. I wish it could be talked about more. I think its overlooked . I carry with me . Guilt ,  regret and self reproach  to name a few.  I'm only saying this as I sense it in your last paragraph.  Please correct me if I'm wrong. I have to try to block it out but I just wish it was easier to talk about  maybe it's just me. But . It's certainly  a question no one ever asks.

It's a long post but I realy wanted to reach out to you lady  you have been so kind and have helped me so much. You always have wise words  you are so thoughtful and considerate. You know something,?  I think you are a real good 'en. And you have far more to offer and gain from life than you think ❤

[Tc]

Birdy, are we telepathically linked or something.?
Pressed send at same time..

Anyway lady. Birdy is right. She often is

[Dotty]

Ladybt....I've felt in the past few months/weeks that you and I are very similar and our journey through this menopause maze has been very similar .  Your posts and positive comments and support have helped me a lot.  I feel that I've found a friend and ally in you even though we've never met.

Things will get on an even keel again soon x

[Ladybt28]

Tc - guilt, regret and self-reproach by the bucket load!  And yes Birdy - that "bloody womens voice" (my mum) doesn't help.  Bit like CKLD and other peoples mothers that was her favorite mantra - in fact it was one of her "life lessons" - whatever happens is down to you, fullstop and "you only have yourself to blame" oh an another favorite of hers was "you should have know better". It wasn't something that developed, it was a lesson from a very early age....she balanced it with "always put others first and then yourself".  Which gave me an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, a feeling that if things go wrong, its down to me.

I know all this, I was put in counselling at 15 for gods sake! and I thank you for all your kind words and I know what you say is probably true but here is the question and its the biggest life question for me for as long as I can remember - after years of being told this and going round and round in circles - how do I get my brain and my emotions to actually believe it! - I cannot for the life of me get hold of this idea and keep it!  I cannot ditch this idea that lifes trials and tribulations are not down to me?
If I could keep all your ideas and the counsellors ideas and really believe them - then I'm sure it would be sorted but no one can really tell how I actually make that happen and it's proved elusive so far.

I wrote a timeline of 40 years for a counsellor once of life events and traumas and she just said "well looking at that, all I can say is you have true courage - how are you still here?"  But really that doesn't change how I feel inside - knowing and doing are too totally different things - I would be like you TC and until now apart from counselling and this forum I have never breathed a word of how I feel to anyone else and I don't think we talk about it because somehow it is admitting outloud that we failed and then if we do that, we may never get back up again. xx

I too wish we were all closer - I might actually have some friends but when we live like this for all those years you cannot let anyone in, in case they see you for the fraud that you are.

[Tc]

Lady. You are not a fraud. Or a failure.  A  pshycotherapist once asked me (when I said that about myself). "Do you think that about other people if they are struggeling". My reply "of course I dont". She said "oh, so you're different are you? You're supposed to be better than everyone else". And I said "well YES!!".  I shocked myself. It made me sound like I think I am better, which I dont.just that I think I  SHOULD be.

I didnt want to explore it further with her I shut her down because all of a sudden all I could hear was my dads voice.  "You should know better". "I expected so much more of you".
He was harder on me than my sister. She was allowed to fail. I wasnt. All my mistakes seemed huge to me.

Something terrible happened to me when I was 15 and I didnt tell a soul and havent to this day. I thought it was my fault. I thought my parents would be dissapointed in me.that I "should've known better".

 have always steadfastly refuse to talk about my childhood in therapy.

Anyway  i think what that psychotherapist was getting at which I'm trying to say to you was that we expect more of ourselves tthan we do of others. We see ourselves as a failure when we certainly wouldnt put that label on anyone else.  But you are right. How do we change such ingrained ideas. ?

It might be controversial, thing to say but for me personally I know deep down i have never opened up in therapy properly. I've only realy skimmed the surface.. there are places I wont go. Maybe we have to knock all the bricks down first to rebuild our thought processes and I have never allowed a therapist to do that

Have you heard of "DBT"?
I asked about it but not available in my area.

Xxxx

[CLKD]

........ AND BREATH!

Old habits really do form how we react.  We are told certain phrases over and over until they become real.  It is often easier to go with the flow than challenge them.  Mum often said "If I were you" and when I explained that "Actually Mum, you aren't me" I got a slap.  Hard.  She didn't smack often but it was a gut reaction.  But she isn't me 

When I stepped into Mum' house I would become the little girl, it's hard to walk in now that she is in Care and realise that I can do exactly what I like  .

Decorating brings out the worst in most people.  Add to that the intense heat!  A recipe for a row I would think.  How are things this morning?

You both have habits that kick in when stressed.  What we agreed was that DH would walk away.  When ever I flared he would leave.  That was a reminder that I was OTT.  Also, I had to learn to listen to him.  As someone with obsessive traits in that I go at something I believe in like a dog in a corner shop, I have to stop when he suggests act I do so.  That took years.

Half a day at a time!  Works for me in the main.  That way I'm not disappointed when things go arse up. 

One stranger who I met 10 years into our marriage laughed at the way I spoke to Himself ......... but even knowing that I didn't alter my stance  .  Because of reactions on here when I give support and because of friends that I have made outside of the village where I was raised, I know my worth.  People tended whilst I was growing up to be friends because of who my parents are  so it was lovely to have people seek my company when we moved from there and began to make our own Life.

Look at your skill base.   

[Ladybt28]

Lady, i honestly could have written your post...…. i have always thought there is something wrong with me. i am kind to everyone. i am thoughtful and generous, and i have worked hard all my life, yet i feel distraught most of the time. i find life incredibly difficult. many days i can't see a way forward, i feel there is a block in my brain that tells me that joy is not mine to be had, that i always see the stuff that could go wrong, and then it does.

oh Birdy, you truly have had an awful time - but how do we get a grip on it...I just wish someone had the practical step by step answer

  A  pshycotherapist once asked me (when I said that about myself). "Do you think that about other people if they are struggeling". My reply "of course I dont". She said "oh, so you're different are you? You're supposed to be better than everyone else". And I said "well YES!!".  I shocked myself. It made me sound like I think I am better, which I dont.just that I think I  SHOULD be.
 
Have you heard of "DBT"?
Xxxx

TC - I think you are right...I wouldn't be as hard on someone else as I am on myself but I just think I should have it sussessed!
and no I haven't heard of DBT...how does it work?

CLKD - I was at my mum's beck and call and nursed her till she died.  I was 32 - I know what you mean about "becoming a child and how the house influenced your behaviour.  I still do that when I go to the flat cos my dad is still alive and living there, he is 92 but I am still his "little girl" and I'm 57!

Things this morning are frosty and there is an atmosphere because he is a sulker…...   Me...I say my piece shout scream and wave my arms about and then it's done.....move on.....  The sulking and the hiding from the argument just makes me worse but I do seem to have got more intolerant of this as I have got older...I just dont have the patience for this crap like I once did.  Yes we both have habits that kick in but after 20 years you would think we would have learned not to fall into the trap or do something different.

I am so grateful for this forum...I can't say how much   - how do you learn how much you are worth please when what goes on doesn't seem to reflect much? I think I have lovely virtual friends here on the forum...you might just stop me falling completely into the abyss and your wonderful words make me cry....I just don't want to go back to where I was an irrational, looney tunes...I just want to be normal xx

[Tc]

And there is that fear lady.  It's just that. It's a fear. You are having a tough time at the moment but it doesnt mean you will end up back where you were. You have changed. That is not going to be reversed overnight. Its tougher to get through life for some of us than others, we must be pretty strong to still be here. And the most important thing is to keep talking about how you feel. We are here to support you. 

I was interested in DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) because I have EUPD which is basically another name for borxerline personality disorder and it's one of the things DBT is used for. .I've linked some information. I was told it's not available from my MHT n my area for outpatients.    Xxxx.
https://psychcentral.com/lib/an-overview-of-dialectical-behavior-therapy/